Settle the Noise before Proceeding

 

Somedays my head is crowded with noise, it is hard to focus with so many noises pulling me in different directions. Sometimes I need to clear my thoughts and get back to center, sometimes I just need to stop, take 15 minutes for myself, and flush those noises out, no matter where I am or what I am doing in order to reset and come back to the present remembering my purpose or my why. Without a reset button you get stuck. Being stuck is unproductive and allows a buildup of negative emotions spiraling forward like a catapult waiting to crash into something causing damage that I never intended. This noise and my lack of peace of mind has ultimately affected myself and my relationships and I need to correct it. NOW.  

Prayer has been the answer for me every single time. This is a little different than my normal blog but remember what I write is ultimately for me that I share with you just in case it may help someone in their world.

I wrote this almost 20 years ago and edited it to fit my life now. Sometimes things are brought into our lives to disrupt our peace. It is our responses to them that are most important and will ultimately break us down or make us thrive going forward. We may encounter a slight setback or “off” feeling, it is how we recover that is crucial to our well-being.

After quite a few days of anxiety, stress, inner turmoil, and exterior drama regarding a few different areas of my life, I am wanting to invite the peace back in extra loud and strong to bring me back to center, drown out the noise, and hone in on my true self, who I want to be, who I hope to become and how  I want others to see me and interact with and most of all be the example I want for my child. After realization comes communication with those around us and correction for our actions, responses, and lack thereof. We as humans are not perfect and are not expected to be but being better than we were the day before is always a goal that can be accomplished.

One slight change in thought in the morning can make a huge difference in our day, why not start out with a positive one. I was once told that the woman in a relationship controls the mood of a whole family and how they respond can make or break the atmosphere of your day. I am a firm believer that this is true and I want to be the woman who sets the tone at the highest level that I am capable of from a true place of love surrounding all aspects of my life.  This is my prayer and I felt compelled to share!

April 2024 pray revised from 2007

Today is going to be an amazing day!

I am an upbeat hope filled women who trusts my hopes not my fears. I trust God has a plan for my life and He will make that plan known to me for I am a child made in His image and likeness, and He is proud of the skills and strengths that He has given me to serve His people.

I am an amazing, wonderful individual who deserves honor and respect. I am willing to help those in need and make others feel good about themselves. I deserve all the wonderful things that I receive. I am truly blessed to be where I am in life despite my past circumstances, loss, trauma, or failures.

I can change no one’s attitude but my own, I can make a difference in the lives of others by my willingness to love, to live in a place with myself that doesn’t allow circumstances to control my attitude, my relationships or my inner self control and when it does, I take action to correct it.

Failure is inevitable, I am human and not perfect, I am not expected to be perfect or right all the time. Stuff happens everyday that is beyond my control, and I must trust the process and surrender the outcome.

I cannot let others control my thoughts or my ideas or discourage what I know in my heart I can do and accomplish. I do not limit myself out of fear, I face fear head on and eliminate doubts, obstacles, and exterior noise. I will not put others doubts ahead of my dreams, no one can steal my dreams or lessen them because if I set my mind to something I know that in reality I can accomplish it. God is all I need approval of.

I am grateful to live in a time and place where I can choose who I want to be, where I am, where I live, what I do, for the freedom that is given to me to make these choices. I choose to live to my life to the fullest while I am still here, I choose to love and be happy. Happiness isn’t something that comes to me, it is something that I choose by living happy and allowing others to live happy. I choose to let go of the negativity of circumstances that I often let creep into my life. I control my thoughts, actions, and responses.

Help me to choose to make the right choices, courageous choices, beneficial choices for myself and my family. Help me choose to be the best person that I can be, help guide me to serve in the way that you have intended me to serve you and your people, God. Help me to be a positive example to others while being at peace with the fact that I cannot change other’s attitudes, actions, or responses. I can only pray that my example can reflect on others to be the best version of themselves. Allow me to give myself grace for my mistakes and inadequacies when I am not on point all the time. Help me to treat myself with respect.

I refuse to allow circumstances to bring down my mood and attitude and will work toward correcting myself when they do. I will not give in to the gossip of the world and strive to always be honest, caring, kind, and helpful to others.

 Today I take control, it is my control to take. I will do with my life what God has intended for me to do and allow myself to be guided in the right direction with my skills, strengths, and abilities to serve others.

I will allow myself to let peace and happiness flow from me to others so that they feel a since of joy and well being in their lives. I want to live abundantly and share frequently.

I put you in charge of my businesses and the people that I am called upon to help. I thank you for my skills and abilities that are unique to me and give me the opportunity to live out my purpose. My mind is open to learning, growing, loving, prospering, and succeeding in my own sense of that word. Success looks different to everyone. I do not compare myself to others, I accept who I am supposed to be, what I contribute, and what makes me happy. I want to live in the moment, concentrate on being present to those around me, enjoying each moment of my life, the timing that aligns with my story, sharing my experiences with others, and sharing my energy and goodness!

Give me patience, courage, strength, and resilience. Guide me in the direction you wish me to take in my life- show me the way, help me to enjoy my journey. We all deserve happiness. Allow me to take time when needed to refresh, reset, reconstruct, and heal so I can be the best version of myself to help others.

When you start to feel yourself spiral out of control or let your surrounding circumstances control your minute/day/life. STOP. It is okay to stop and be still! The world will not stop for us, but we can take a slight break to clear the noise so we can move forward to the best of our ability with confidence that we can handle whatever is thrown at us. We all have shit happen every single day, it is how we respond that reflects who we are. Calculate your response in a way you want to be remembered for. 

Adjust Your Sails!

 

Dancing around my kitchen listening to my play list in my jammies, cooking dinner, drinking wine, and feeling at peace after a few days of being overwhelmed with life. Spare you the exact details but seemed like everything hit at once. I am here, life is good, I still have a purpose!  One thing after another hitting me like a brick (no pun intended as Paxton just ended up with a slight concussion after hitting his head unloading hay on a metal beam of our barn – he is okay, resuming baseball next Monday per doctors’ orders), some disappointing, some overwhelming, some overstimulating, and some more rewarding than others. Isn’t that life?  

To recognize that no matter what I am dealing with, whatever comes at me, or surrounds me, I love my life, I am blessed, and I enjoy it. Not only for what I have accomplished, what I have and who I share it with, but for accepting what I have been dealt and making the most of it. This is my story, as I have said many times, and I am embracing it! The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Being content and being happy are two different feelings. The things that make you content do not challenge you and often do not allow you to live up to your full potential. It is you against your potential and whether you are satisfied with that feeling and where you are at or if you are wanting, needing, or expecting more out of yourself. You are always one choice away from a totally different life, but you must be prepared for what lies ahead, sometimes it can be scary, but taking the risk can reap potential unlimited rewards!  

The last several weeks, as real estate has gotten busier, baseball has started again after a 2 year and 3-month hiatus, I am letting go of some of my past commitments, embarking on a new future, and consciously and purposefully engaging in a more present way of life. I may be experiencing a little more overwhelming moments but also some pretty fulfilling ones as well. Stay tuned, more to come in the upcoming months!

The recent additions to our lives have surely brought some of the calmest and most rewarding moments and a promising future. Don’t be afraid to pray for hard things. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and believe you deserve it. Some recent obstacles, hiccups, and trials have made for a better appreciation when they are overcome.

I recently acknowledged, though realized much earlier on that everything we experience either teaches us a lesson or makes us stronger and more capable of handling future obstacles, setbacks and or challenges. Praying for the right words to say, the right actions to take, or believing we already accomplished it is definitely in our favor. You may not get what you prayed for, but believe it is because you will gain something better, or what you are supposed to have.

I recently sold a home to clients that they were in love with, their eyes lit up as they spoke to family about the property, the inspection had them second guessing and canceling that purchase, they were disappointed in a major way, as it was their first home buying experience.  I said maybe that was what you had to have happen so that the right thing would come along but wasn’t available yet. 2 weeks later- perfect home, same price range, with a pool popped up, we negotiated the price, the terms, and the conditions and guess what it was theirs! Yes, sometimes things are worth going through a disappointment first to get what you are meant to have. Sometimes we have to surrender the outcome and trust the process.

I also was reminded recently by another friend that we cannot please everyone all of the time, we are not supposed to be someone we are not to fit in, to be liked, or to try to accommodate those around us. I gave her the advice that your people are the ones that can accept your flaws, and you can accept theirs, you laugh together, show up for one another, pray for one another, and encourages them to live their best life, to their fullest potential and they return that extraordinary reciprocation for you as well. You don’t have to change how you act or who you are to be accepted by them, those people are not your people, you are not going to be everyone’s person either. Not everyone’s personality, life goals, or morals are going to mesh. Don’t waste your time fighting to make them. Embrace you, concentrate on you, your goals, your dreams, your family- be kind, helpful and respectful of others but stop bending over backwards to fit in or feel liked and loved by those that will never accept you no matter how good of a person or how hard you try and stop trying to make sense of why they don’t.

Concentrate on the things that bring you joy, fill your cup, and accentuate your purpose. Always be willing to learn, grow, and adjust. Seize your YOU. 

The Pessimist Complains About the Wind; the Optimist Expects It to Change; the Realist Adjusts the Sails - William Arthur Ward

 

 

Goodbye 2023, Hello New Year New You

 

Traditions run deep in a lot of families.  I remember growing up getting together every Christmas season to make a multitude of pierogies with my aunts and cousins, surrounded by love, laughter and sometimes scolding and bickering, lol. An assembly line making and filling dough, and stuffing, sealing, and boiling dumplings to fry on Christmas Eve. My great-Bushie used to make all her dough on the kitchen table no bowl required… thank God for technological advances and KitchenAid. Being Polish, (both my grandmothers were) we didn’t eat meat on Christmas Eve, just perch, my Papa’s potato soup, potatoes, cottage cheese, herring pierogies, oplatki, and chruscikis. First, I made mostly potato, kraut, and cheese filling. As a kid my favorite was always cheese, a sweet cheese blend consistent between cottage cheese and ricotta texture. Later, my Bushie started including meat in them, as our family grew and changed and so did taste buds.  As I got older and moved away, I continued to make them with my mom for a few years and then by myself when she passed away. I have stuffed them with a bunch of different things we have tried because of someone’s suggestion, not limited to but as my memory finds, Philly cheesesteak, chorizo, pizza (meat, pizza sauce and cheese), chicken and alfredo, and chili. I am sure there were more I have tried. I now consistently stick to taco meat and cheese, potato and cheese, and sweet kraut, the most popular. Too many varieties is just all that much work for me. As I got older my tastebuds changed and my craving for sweet cheese turned into wanting kraut more which I would never be caught dead eating before I was in my 20’s. Oh how our taste buds change just like we do, as we grow and acquire new things that satisfy and those that no longer do.

Because Steve’s family had their own traditions, we would eat them as part of our Christmas Day celebration instead of Christmas Eve, like when I was growing up, but I have religiously made them every year despite how time consuming they are. That is the thing as you age, things change and sometimes you must change with them. That doesn’t mean your tradition is lost, just altered, and developing to fit your needs, wants and family dynamic.

This year seemed to flood me with a plethora of emotions while preparing them. Listening to Christmas music trying to get in the making mood, I reminisced of years ago, how our family functioned, thrived and then the broken relationships over the years, the thoughts and memories of loved ones passed on and this year being the first year Paxton and I would spend Christmas morning ourselves for our 3^rd Christmas without Steve. I think I cried more in the few days surrounding Christmas than I have in a while. Mostly not on cue and just random unfortunately. Which annoyed me even more, my mascara is expensive and messy, lol.  It is supposed to be the happiest time of year and somehow it was not, and no amount of effort was helping make it, even making cookies didn’t make me smile which it usually does, if you know me you know baking and cooking relaxes me and makes me feel satisfied to share with everyone.  

To be completely forthcoming Christmas this year sort of sucked. I hate saying this as I am sure there are far more scenarios of people worse off than us. And Christmas is a special time of year to reflect on the good and true meaning, and I felt distracted from allowing it to refresh and renew my spirit.  But mentally it just wasn’t my year. Christmas Eve and Day I probably sported some puffy eyes and I felt completely drained. I woke up and made my cinnamon rolls which didn’t rise correctly but still had Paxton deliver to our neighbors trying to be in a peppy/giving mood, went to help an elderly neighbor with a warranty issue he needed to email and couldn’t figure out, played a little Santa with some gifts for others , and tried to be the happy go lucky person I almost always am.

Christmas Day neither Paxton nor I had enough patience for one another or much going or not going our way around us. Our tense moods and limited tolerance did not prove to be a positive setting for our “sadness”. By late afternoon we made ourselves presentable, said a quick prayer and made our way over to Steve’s family for Christmas Day dinner (including our pierogies, and Paxton’s special request for me to make Donna’s potato salad, our first Christmas without her) Joined by ham, funeral potatoes, and homemade pizzas on my brothers-in-law’s new outdoor pizza oven we were stuffed by the end of the night. We made it through all of it, enjoyed our company, some great food and a few laughs and our day ended on a happy note much to my surprise and content. But I was mentally exhausted and ready for it to be over. Not every year has to be perfect and maybe there was some lesson learned or maybe we just needed to feel our feelings. It was pointed out to me that I spend most of my time occupied because it makes me happy to be distracted but sometimes, I just need to feel and let it happen, deal with the sadness, pain, and discomfort to move forward having dealt with my feelings instead of deferring them and feel okay about it. When you have someone supporting you and accepting you for who you are, what you need and how you feel with absolutely no judgement it makes all the difference. I need to recognize that I don’t have to push my feelings under the rug or try to pretend like nothing bothers me and put on a happy front all the time. It isn’t realistic, and it isn’t expected, and I absolutely love that I can be who I am all the time. I am learning to allow myself the grace that others give me.

In anticipation of coming to Indiana for 10 days I felt like there was a lot that needed to be accomplished before leaving. I was trying to make everything come together which also didn’t prove to be going as smoothly as I would like. One thing that I will tell you is to plan a vacation or getaway and they will come. Seems like new and past clients need you the most when you take a vacation. I wrote an offer on the beach in Hawaii one time. I am totally not complaining, I signed up for this schedule 22 years ago and I love it.

Since being in Indiana hanging with my family for the last few days, I have had 6 listing inquiries, 3 new listings coming up and 2 new buyers. I cannot complain. I can feel that lower interest rates coming and holidays slipping away that 2024 will be a year of prosperity and production. Six dry months (the first time in my 22-year career) is about to end and a new and prosperous year is just over the horizon welcoming me with open arms. My motivation is at an all-time high and my focus has been renewed. I will return to Arizona, my home for 26+ years refreshed, filled with hope, and concentrating on what God intends to send my way using my strengths and talents to serve a purpose higher than my goals or dreams could ever fathom.

2023 has given me lots of ups and downs, struggles, crushed some of my ego, tested my compassion and questioned my level of commitment to helping others, presented new beginnings, tried my patience, given me things to think about, hope for, and most of all a reason to be thankful for all of it, despite the challenges. I look forward to taking all that I have endured, the lessons I have learned and the people that I have met and those I have removed from my life into the next year in eager anticipation of a 2024 full of a lot more things to be thankful for. I am not the person I was 3 years ago or 1 year ago for that matter, if I was, I might be worried. With each passing year I hope that all that I endure, discover and experience makes me more of who I truly am, a person fulfilling their purpose while I am still here. Not to be morbid but no matter what we do while we are here, we will all face the same outcome, death. Why not be remembered for the good you did or the difference you made while you could.

Little steps can go a long way. If you are making a New Year’s Resolution, make it so that you can fulfill it. Don’t reach too high or pick something that doesn’t follow your path. Only pursue that which sparks something inside you, follows your passion or makes you feel fulfilled. It is a lot easier to commit in small increments over time than change big all at one time. Set yourself up for success not failure and don’t let the noise around you get inside and corrupt your goals or dreams. And whatever you do don’t pursue someone else’s dream! Life truly isn’t a competition. We all have specific talents, knowledge, and purposes, embrace yours.

Trust the timing of your life. Enjoy every moment and your journey. This is your story, write it well and leave your unique stamp on the world. 

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. – Ecclesiates 3:11 NLT

A gentle reminder and a different look to Christmas

 And we successfully made it through semester 1 of High School, barely in some classes but there is always next semester. And yes, I did say we. For a mom who is fully vested in her kid, this was my experience too! I must witness the days when his hair doesn’t turn out right, he forgets to do an assignment, water spills all over his backpack and had to replace a school laptop and math book, an open container of lotion in a front pocket that ruined just about everything in the pocket including his mechanical pencils that I seem to buy on a regular basis anyway because kids steal them from him all the time, so I just threw them away and started over after I cleaned the lotion out (yes, that was a mess), he feels bullied by some kids at school sometimes (the way he dresses, his hair, his weight, the fact that a lot of his friends are girls(these guys are jealous), kids can be so cruel, his head hurts, he thinks a teacher is stupid and so on. He is the NICE kid and I know that he can’t see it now, but I guarantee it pays off for him later in life. We have had a lot of changes this past year that have affected both of us in good and bad ways. For a kid who is rarely sick he missed quite a few days from sickness, the latest being 6 days of school laid up with pneumonia for 9 at home and that sure didn’t help him from getting behind further than he was from his already lack of focus. We did get the ok by the Pediatric Cardiologist to start him on the meds and Paxton doesn’t think so, (or so he says to me) but I will say since December 1 he has shown improvement to me on his focus and concentration. Dare I say helping him study and watching him fill out study guides for finals last week, his penmanship is even nicer.

Mom over here is struggling with a few things. Vulnerability at its best I haven’t sold a house since June. The market is weird, I have been in the business for 22 years and I have never gone this long without selling a house. I have listings, I have buyers, I have things that have fallen through, I have had missed opportunities and I have experienced a lot of overwhelming things in the past 6 months. I started a new business which I might say is getting off the ground and I expect to be a good profitable business soon, but it takes time, concentration, and effort. I feel that real estate will pick up for me in the next few months and I will get back on track with my efforts being fully rewarded. I am still the same giver, lover, and helper that I have always been. I try to recognize others needs and help meet them when I can, even without that income coming in. In my line of work, any of it, there is no guarantee, and you must be prepared for the lulls. This lull, however, seems strange, extreme, and disappointing to me as I want and need to be a successful contributor as the soul support of Paxton and I and our lifestyle.  But I know that struggling with what my purpose is now at this stage in my life verses six months ago, is taking a little more time to figure out than normal and losing that more steady income that I have been used to is nothing shy of a little scary. Do any of us really know what our future holds? We don’t I am living proof of that. I can only get up every day and prepare myself to give as much effort as I can to accomplishing what I need for us to thrive.

Yesterday I posted a story on social media, that said, don’t use your energy to worry, use your energy to believe. How profound is that. Worry will never change our situation! Neither will getting upset about something you cannot change! So why do we do it?  I can worry, I can fret, I can claim not fair all day long, but in the end it isn’t getting me any closer to the goal or end result I am looking for and it is just making me stressed the hell out over the unknown, that most of which I cannot control- there are too many other factors besides what I am able to control that could potentially skew the outcome I am hoping for! That doesn’t mean I don’t keep working hard, it doesn’t mean I give up and it doesn’t mean that I surrender. It just means, I accept, adjust, and keep on moving forward. I am not sharing this with you for any pity, for any help or to brag that I am still able to survive on not having a steady paycheck for 6 months. I am just wanting to point out that we all struggle, we go through ups and downs. No one’s life is perfect, no relationship is perfect, no circumstance is perfect. We just have to adjust to what we have, rely on the support around us, find our niche, accept our circumstances and choose the right attitude and approach. And in my 44 years I have come to realize most of the times things fall into place just like they should. Trust the timing of your life. Trust that God doesn’t always prevent things from happening, but He is right there next to you while you experience them.

The holidays are here, and I am missing a lot of people, reminiscing on old traditions and memories made. Maybe you lost someone this year close to you, maybe you are taking yourself back to fond memories passed of someone who has been gone awhile now, maybe you are worried about someone dear to you who is close to crossing over the other side, and you are just waiting for when it will happen. In any case we have all experienced a loss of some kind and this time of year it seems projected as we go about our busy schedules trying to make the holidays memorable for all who are still here. From Steve to my mom, dad, grandparents, Steve’s mom (our first Christmas without her), Grammy and so on. All the people who had a profound impact on my life and ones that had special meaning and memories of holidays shared. This will be our first different kind of Christmas since Steve died and by that I mean our third Christmas without him but our first Christmas waking us just us. Our first Christmas without Steve my brother came and shared it with us and we woke up Christmas morning to laughter, and sharing, gifts and giving, food and family, he helped transition that first Christmas alone for us. Last year we traveled to Indiana and woke up surrounded by my Aunt, Uncle, cousins with their significant others and dogs running around us to occupy our hearts and minds. This Christmas is going to look a little different. In a way I am excited to see what Paxton and I can share with one another starting a new tradition just the two of us but also a little nervous that our hearts will be a little full of sadness Christmas morning by ourselves. No excitement over what Santa will bring to lighten the heaviness in our hearts. I will have cinnamon rolls to make, and Paxton will love to deliver to the neighbors and have something to do to occupy a little of his time. We have decided to do church on Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve this year, this will give us something to do in between opening presents together and going to see my Father- in-law and the family later in the afternoon for dinner and gifts.

I woke up with a goal in mind today. Dump the trailer full of trash from the garage and shed that we have been working to gather and dispose of over the past months of useless things we have collected or saved over the last 10 years we have lived here, trying to get more organized, less cluttered and centered in our lives and frankly find the things we need to use more easily. It rained on and off all night and continues as I write this. I decided to start making fillings for my pierogies and wrapping more gifts since a trip to the dump this morning doesn’t seem feasible, lots of mud, rain and just not ideal. A trip to my bedroom with a pan of meat on my stove was probably not the best choice I have made with 3 dogs in my house… so now I must go back to the store and start again. Really! UGH! In the grand scheme of things, I need to, as my sister-in-law just reminded me of my tattoo, just breathe! Neither one of these situations is detrimental to life, our day, our overall wellbeing and should not affect my mood, demeanor, or rest of my day unless I give them permission to. I decided I won’t! It isn’t worth the stress, worry or negative energy that I would give it!

I also see Christmastime a little differently this year, as Paxton and I continue to adjust to new surroundings including Mark and his son being a part of our lives now. Not fully incorporated into our everyday lives but part of our life every day. Not necessarily for the Christmas Eve or Day celebrations we will be having but just for the fact that they are in our lives and incorporating how that looks like now for us and what it means for future celebrations. Being delicate to respect Paxton’s feelings, their own traditions as well as the newness of everything! Juggling is what life is all about sometimes. I am fully focused on enjoying life in the NOW, as none of it is a guarantee… I woke up to a phone call from a family friend whose husband passed in the middle of the night. So close to Christmas I reflected on what that looks like and means for their family as well as a reminder that nothing is promised to us no matter how much we prepare, plan, fret, or worry, things just happen. It is how we approach, handle, and perceive what we experience that makes the most difference.

A friend of mine I have written about before she is my rock as far as everyone choosing to be bitter or better despite their circumstances was thrown another curve ball a few days ago, when her sole source of income for the last 12 years decided to shut their doors a week before Christmas. Wow, talk about life changing. I know that her journey there was never guaranteed it isn’t for any of us that work in a commission-based business or even a hourly or salaried one for that matter. But it is a shocker, a disappointment and a fight or flight kind of feeling when you are left in the unknown. These are the times that you must choose to and concentrate on what you are grateful for in life over the things you have lost, didn’t accomplish, or passed you by. They may not have been meant to be or you may just be turning the page to the next chapter that will deliver things you never thought were imaginable.

I am grateful for a lot of things. My health, my home, my accomplishments, my determination, my strong will, my ability to forgive others and myself, my perseverance, my kind heart, my compassion for others,  a son who despite obstacles has an amazing head on his shoulders and will inevitably turn out to be an amazing man someday, a boyfriend who with every new day makes me feel more loved, happy and grateful and brings joy to my life part two, his adorable son who brings what seems to be a spark to Paxton’s inner child which I think he seemed to have lost over the past few years, and all the love and support of family and friends who believe in me, comfort me, encourage me and help me want to be a better person every day. This despite setbacks, loss, finances, and dog eaten pierogi filling is what brings out the true meaning of Christmas. Concentrate on all the things good and you will see more good things. Bad things are inevitable, don’t ignore them, but don’t let them take over your life.

Merry Christmas to Everyone may God shine His light upon you wrap His arms around you and comfort you despite your circumstances this year. If you have an empty chair may the memories of it full and the things you liked the most about that person fill your hearts with love and light, peace and comfort. May you reflect on all the good things that surround you this holiday season and in your everyday lives and bring you joy, make you feel loved, and encourage you to move forward to your next chapter with an open mind and heart for what is meant for your story. If you woke up this morning you still have a purpose go pursue it! This is your time for second chances, don’t let it pass you by!

Listen to Understand

Disclaimer: This is my POV, my experience. I am not an expert on this subject or any subject for that matter and I am not giving any advice on anyone else’s situation or experiences. I just write from my experience and my heart.

 In the 2 + years since Steve has passed, I had one of the lowest, toughest, and proudest weeks thus far a couple weeks ago.  So, in my mind everything I have been through I somehow feel like I deserve a child who has no issues, is completely respectful of me and bends over backwards to help his mom out. Like seriously something that comes easy for me. Single-mom-hood over here, 3 businesses trying to branch out into another, doing everything I can to make his life flow as smoothly as possible while wanting to give him the world and show him that hard work pays off. Yes, that is me, accommodator, caregiver, caterer. I know it is a fault at times, but you can’t blame a girl for her big heart and overwhelming acts of compassion and kindness toward others.

Often in life we try to compensate for something we have lost, and at times it is appropriate and other times it might just overwhelm us more than it should by trying so hard to please everyone else. I started out a compassionate nurturer, dealing with Steve dying didn’t help how much more compassionate I got… pushover to say the least. Kids are resilient yes, but currently how many of us have heard of kids threatening themselves to get attention or to manipulate what they want? Controlling, button pushing, stretching for things to go their way. This is a sensitive subject, yes, a lot of people are afraid to discuss it. Why? Because do any of us know 100% what any kid is capable of or what is going on in their head, absolutely not! So, we error on the side of caution so that we can’t blame ourselves or someone else blames us if we are wrong or if a kid does do something extreme and we didn’t act.  Mental health issues have taken over the last decade or so. Blame it on the environment, GMO’s, latch key kids, social media or whatever you want, but it is a problem and kids see other kids threaten and get their way, and they also experience the other extreme where kids are so far depressed that they take life into their own hands. I would say statistically the kids who verbalize these threats are not usually the ones who commit the act, the silent ones do. Either way it isn’t pretty or good for our youth to experience any of these situations at the rate that they happen now or even have to toss these ideas in their head or express them out loud.

Why am I bringing this up, why am I pulling you into my drama? Because I haven’t held back much the last two years. It is so good for people to understand they are not alone. Every kid is unique, however we can all learn a little from each other how to deal with the fear of one of our own committing suicide.

So I have been anxious the last few weeks up to this point 2 weeks ago, I had to have an MRI. A little over a month ago I had a routine breast scan and thankful that no cancer was found but they thought that maybe one of my implants was ruptured. After weighing the options, I decided to schedule the MRI to gather more information before going under the knife again! If there is no issue, I don’t need unnecessary surgery. There is a lot more involved in this but just for length purposes, I took this step first. My kid knew that the day of the MRI was sensitive for me. Why, because even though I am a firm believer in not worrying until you have something to worry about, it still weighs on your mind because it is the unknown. So, when the phone rang that morning and the other end said, hi this is the principal at Paxton’s school, my heart sank. In a brief second before she explained the reason for the call my brain scanned about 100 possibilities, NO JOKE. She said I have Paxton in my office, he says you are aware, but he is failing 3 classes at this time. Saving you the details, we discussed his recent ADHD diagnosis, his inability to start taking the medicine he was prescribed until he was cleared by a pediatric cardiologist and the fact that we couldn’t get into one until December 19^th. I have fought this for a while because I am not a traditional medicine person, I am all about all natural methods, but sometimes it is just too much, and I need to try something else for his and my sake. He can’t stay focused in school or at home unless it is something he is interested in and sometimes even then he checks out and spaces it. I need something over here, it can be straining.

Single parents… I am telling you now, feeling guilty about your situation whether it is due to death or divorce or just plain lack of involvement… try your best not to let your kid run the show, because you feel guilty. I am not sure if my kid even knows the definition of manipulative, but he has mastered it… It is so hard; I am telling you first hand. Kids are resilient but they also learn how to push our buttons and I have been aware of this for two years and just continue to think the situation will get better, he will grow out of it and things will fall into place. He starts to things correct, and then falls back into a guilting me routine. That is not how I want him to learn, grow and become an adult. It is in my hands to take control and do it now.

Recently he has been tough, he has been a handful, pushing my buttons every which way.  His age, his environment, losing his dad… it is a combo of everything. What vital years I am facing without Steve by my side to be that sounding board, that second voice, that I was once a 14-year-old teenage boy who wanted to do almost anything else but be at school. I cannot relate! Who says they hate their life, would be better off dead and wished they were with their dad… this is the third time in 2+ years he has said this, and it is too much for me to react to. it breaks my heart! If I know my kid like I do it is a manipulation tactic because he didn’t want to stay for tutoring after school, failing isn’t his fault, he has ADHD, he has a learning disability whatever excuse he can have to not take ownership. In no way do I want him to learn to blame failure or lack of trying on his circumstances. I know he is not me, but I think to myself look how far I got! Learning by example doesn’t seem to sink in with him. I want to believe that he would never act upon his words, he is afraid of the dark per se. However, there is always that part of you that has no idea if he would be capable of it and isn’t about to want to find out.

He pressed me all day long to come get him, he was having a bad day, he needed to be rescued , why would I do this to him, why wouldn’t I help him, he missed dad, I was a jerk, I was annoying, I didn’t care about him. After multiple conversations with Mark (who by the way was a 14 year old boy once and gives me a different perspective as to the inside of one and how to approach sensitive subjects and for that I am extremely grateful) , my sister-in-law (who raised two teenage daughters),  my dinner guest Lori (who often thinks outside the box) and his counselor (who is schooled in these situations and also was a teenage boy once too) , I decided it was best for him to stay at school, go to tutoring, and ride the after-school activities bus home. My dinner plans at the house with friends were cancelled, Lori agreed this took precedence and coming would give him an excuse to prolong facing what transpired early in the day. I had to threaten to take him to the 24/7 suicide clinic if he rode the regular bus home. He got nasty and I stayed firm. When he finally arrived home close to 7:00 (way too long to be on a bus but plenty of time for him to think) there were lots and lots of tears, I stayed calm in my voice, many, many things were said between us, but I think we had a huge breakthrough, communicating feelings is hard but necessary to move forward and grow in any type of relationship, be honest with your feelings, share them before they consume you. He admitted that he is always sad, he can’t seem to find happiness and when he does, he feels guilty about it. He did tell me he could never imagine taking his life, he just couldn’t do it, but that doesn’t mean these thoughts don’t occasionally enter his mind! Believe me I had said things out of haste as well, I am sure most of us have.

What I can fathom in my 44-year-old brain regarding moving forward and the difference between that and moving on…knowing that Steve isn’t coming back, is much different than what his 14-year-old in the moment how can I possibly see 10 years from now and know everything is going to turn out ok mind?!  We are still here, and his dad wouldn’t want us to be miserable, in fact if he could talk down from Heaven to us, I think he would be most proud of us getting up every day enjoying what journey we have left and finding happiness in the little and big things and fulfilling our purpose. No one is judging us for being happy (and if they are screw them) we shouldn’t judge ourselves either!  Guilt is a horrible thing. It robs you of so many pleasures, peace, and harmony.

I have spent the last several months building up to standing firm with him way more in a lot of situations! Do I have more practice ahead of me to ensure that I don’t fall back into the guilt-ridden trap of his button pushing, you betcha! Do I have some of the best support system amongst my family and friends 100% I do! Do I have to understand that I am not raising a perfect kid? I do, but I know deep down that all of the experiences we face, we will face together and it will make me a better mom, person, friend and companion and it will make him a stronger, wiser, more compassionate and contributing adult and fingers crossed an amazing husband to some deserving girl someday, and I can’t wait to see where he goes with life but I am pretty confident he will do great things.

Now that he gets up in the morning and rides the bus to school and I no longer tuck him into bed at night, we very often don’t pray or say what we are thankful for like we used to. The habit has been broken and consistency is lacking. I have a routine in the morning and at night by myself and we will say grace before dinner most nights when we eat together but it makes a difference when we purposely share God in our day with one another. I have made it a point in the last few weeks to reintroduce this habit. Thanking God for what we have and the things that we are thankful for just helps us recognize that the things that we are blessed with far outweigh the things that don’t. 3 things a day isn’t too much to ask. A good exercise to start doing is to take 10 minutes and just write down on a blank paper all the things you are grateful for from the smallest things that come to mind on up. Concentrating on the things that you are grateful for rather than your life’s perceived deficiencies will train your brain to expect more things to be thankful for. You will be surprised how full that paper really gets when you do this exercise. I have been keeping a journal of what we say to each other every night to look back and read all the things at the end of a week to reflect on all the goodness surrounding us despite the hard times, sadness, or setbacks.

Example from last night

Paxton: That I have good hair (he really does I am jealous), that we got to go to the extreme bulls, that I got a cool new hat.

Me: For him, that he helped me get down all my Christmas decorations, and for our friends.

Update on MRI: I have what is called an intracapsular rupture. Silicon is not freely leaking into my body; no emergency action is needed but I will take the necessary measures to prevent that from happening in the future. Not really what I wanted to hear but I am extremely thankful that it isn’t something worse.

Update on Paxton: He is currently passing all his classes, and we got his cardiologist appointment for clearance moved up to November 30^th.

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 from your cell or 988lifeline.org 

What was he thinking, saying goodbye, and new beginnings

 

Being newly into the mobile bar business I am still learning what works and what doesn’t. I have thus far been able to look at my events as learning, growing, and advertising experiences so that hopefully I can reach the level of profitable experiences in the new future. Adjusting and tweaking comes along with the territory of any new business adventure you take part in. The journey is key to success. I have decided that looking at the positive aspects rather than the negative ones helps me focus on growth, change and knowing what I am capable of as well as my worth. I think you can apply this to any business endeavor that you start and manage. This weekend was crazy busy with events Friday night and Saturday.. Back-to-back, lack of sleep, lots of preparation and clean up involved. Time frames that needed to be adjusted and anxieties about things running smoothly! Especially since one of the events was the largest I have done so far. An almost 200-person wedding. Without a clue as to what I was doing or getting myself into, I staffed it with four bartenders and two serving areas, and it ran smoothly and was so much fun! We may have run out of watermelon pucker for the candy shots by 7:00 and tequila by 8:30 (FYI, In the State of AZ I cannot supply the alcohol.) but we managed with what else the bridal party provided, and it worked out just fine until last call at 10:45. I saw this quote yesterday and it made me think of this and any other situation where my uncertainties start to reign over my confidence.  Your success is directly proportional to the number of times you say: “Fuck it, I’ll figure it out.”  So very true. Figure it out as you go. If you plan too much there are so many things that can get in the way that you cannot control so just be prepared to adjust, be willing to compromise and react appropriately, you are never going to get anywhere being afraid to move forward or standing still.

For those of you who follow my social media, you may have seen that I decided to sell Steve’s off-set Kansas Smoker, his baby of BBQ. This expensive contraption that he bought in 2015 is where all his best BBQ came from. He researched, practiced, and perfected his Brisket, my favorite and he did a hell of a good job with Ribs, he tested different rub methods, and we had a good apricot glaze down to a Science for those who liked a little sweet and sticky to their ribs. Hours and hours went into prep and cooking, early mornings, watching the temperature, feeding the fire, and perfecting his craft happened on my back patio right outside our bedroom door. I felt however it was time for someone else to enjoy the unit. I tried a couple times, but honestly not my hobby or my patience level. Don’t get me wrong I love to cook and bake, but smoking BBQ is not my forte nor do I want to learn. Paxton is years from discovering if it is his thing or not and the longer the smoker sits not being used the more it will become weathered and require much attention to get it to good use again. We kept the Artesian grill that Steve handmade, the one where the wheel controls the level of the grate and how close or far away it gets from the fire. He did an amazing job of craftsmanship, and this is something that I can use for burgers, hot dogs, fish, and other things when I want that real wood flavor added.

The guy I am dating took Paxton golfing on Sunday before the new owner of the smoker planned to show up to take it home. I have to laugh because that morning when he was getting ready, Paxton has only been golfing a few times and doesn’t own golf shoes, luckily Steve’s fit him, but all morning I listened to, What was dad thinking?! These shoes are so ugly! He had references regarding the style and made jokes about them for the rest of the day. He was cracking Mark and I up. Of course, I said you are going golfing at 8AM you might run into some old guys who think they are great, I promise no one is going to make fun of you.  I think Mark may have given him a hard time just slightly but that is what is building their connection. While they were gone, I diligently cleaned up the smoker as best I could, scrubbing grates and vacuuming out ashes. I was unable to open the firebox door, it was jammed, and I panicked just a little that the guy wouldn’t want it when he arrived. We messed around with it a some and when the guy showed up with his wife and 2 grown sons to purchase and take it with them, he was very understanding. They worked on the door and got it opened. I was relieved when he still wanted it and they wheeled the 1000+ pound smoker up their trailer ramp. I won’t say I didn’t have a churning stomach. I did great until they shut the trailer and started to strap it in, and the tears just welled up and rolled down my face without warning. A bittersweet piece of our past chapter is coming to an end. What I wouldn’t give was to open that bedroom door and see Steve sitting in a chair attentively watching and feeding a fire, anticipating the savory taste of his BBQ. Never again will I experience this and at that moment I realized that that chapter had closed. As I took a seat on our pony wall in the yard tears silently flowing from my eyes Mark came over to me and put his arms around me, kissed my forehead and rubbed my back. He knew what I needed when I needed it. Later, when we talked and I mentioned this, he said that it was a little weird given the circumstances, and he didn’t really know what I needed, he just thought it was the right thing to do.

I couldn’t tell you if he is godsent, heaven sent or Steve sent, maybe a combo of all three, but I am very appreciative of this man, not only in how he treats me, but in the relationship, he is building with Paxton, and I couldn’t feel more blessed at this time. I have no idea what our future holds, but just like I didn’t plan that Steve would be taken from us at such an early age, or in such a vital time of Paxton’s teenage years, I am along for the journey and will enjoy each day and what it has to offer us. I will always love Steve; I will always cherish our memories and the life we built to get us to where we are today. But enjoying the moment you are in is what it is all about. This my friends is living in the NOW, because no matter how far ahead we want, hope or think about our futures we have to understand that we do not have control over all the circumstances and taking ourselves away from the present moment, dwelling or living in the past, or worrying about the future takes away from our full focus and enjoyment on the moment, the day and the company in which we share it with.

I am used to cooking on the Traeger and ours has been giving me trouble for quite some time, it must be at least 12-15 years old and retiring this one and starting fresh seemed like a good choice for me, for my sanity and reducing my stress level of knowing that when I want to use it, it works every time. As the family pulled away with their new purchase, the Amazon truck pulled up with my new Traeger. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect if it was a Hallmark movie and that is when I knew that everything works out how it is supposed to WHEN it is suppose to. Divine Timing like my friend Lori says. Be present, be grateful for what you have, learn from your past, grow for the future, make the most out of any situation you are faced with. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to want what you can’t have at times but remember to focus on what is right in front of you, live in your moment and enjoy the journey you are living.

Adjust your lens and climb on board.

I am the 44-year-old mother of a 14-year-old boy, one whose dad died just a few weeks shy of his 12^th birthday. An impressionable, difficult growing age to say the least. A mother who wants what’s best for her son but is working hard to release the guilt she feels for such a great loss to him that she had absolutely no control over, while somehow trying to live a life that shows him just how strong he can be through her example, while never letting go of the memories but still being able to create new happiness amongst the pain. She doesn’t want to give any impression whatsoever of replacing his father but also knows she is old enough to understand life moves forward (not on) yet young enough to know she deserves a second chance at a fulfilled and happy future. Her widowed friends seem to call it life part-two. She thinks her son seems to think she is somehow cheating or disrespecting or replacing his dad, but deep down wants his mom to be happy, heck he wants to be happy without guilt, to find men that he can do dad things with him even though he doesn’t want or need a new dad in his life, a mentor or buddy or a confidant is truly important. He has several guys who have stepped up to take him under their wing and do things that he enjoys doing, no one will ever teach him like his father did, but in his short 11+ years of life he managed to retain a bunch of information, skills, and talents that he learned from his father. In this I truly feel 100% blessed. When you are robbed of the experiences that you thought you would have had growing up, it can taint you or it can make you grow. You can, just like my friend’s story with her grandmother’s words ringing in her ear… it can make you bitter or it can make you better. I always hope he chooses better.

I have a lot of love to give and to be completely honest I watched my mom live for me, then Paxton and never really find true love or happiness after my dad died. She struggled with finding that person who fulfilled her with companionship. To my observant eyes she was always looking for my dad, in every guy she dated, and in every relationship she tried to build. I know that I am not looking for Steve, I had him. He was a complete pain in my ass sometimes, but I loved him, I know he loved me, and we were good together and I would still be with him if he was alive. I always strived to make things work, even in the most difficult times or the worst moments. I am not looking to find Steve. I am looking for someone who can make me feel alive, someone who loves the real me, who I am able to enjoy life part two with and whose heart will mesh with mine. I want someone who brings out the best in me, still wants to be with me at my worst and is equally yoked in my desires and intentions and whose life aligns and combines seamlessly and we blend well into each other’s. I know some of you might be saying, she acts as if it is that easy. Maybe not but no one said it had to be hard either. As I have mentioned before, you must have a limitless possibility vibe. Is anything ever really seamless, or is it our perception of it.

I posted a social media story while on vacation in San Diego this week. We stopped to watch the sunset and when I removed my sunglasses what I saw was different than through the lens I had chosen to wear that day. Interestingly, I thought how much prettier it seemed with the glasses on then off. Life is like this. We all view things through different lenses than one another and sometimes different lenses than our own self. Sometimes you just need to alter your perception to get the view you are intending to receive.

No matter who I chose to date, or how long they are a part of my life before I introduce them to Paxton, there is still that elephant in the room that whether it is a month, 2, 6 or a year, at some point, at some time it will have to be addressed. They will have to meet, it will be awkward, it will seem edgy, confusing or even impossible to predict. Nothing can be planned for the perfect scenario or the least uncomfortable moment, it just has to feel right and natural and no amount of time to wait can be calculated to predict that most comfortable setting for a uncomfortable situation. No amount of confidence in who I chose or who I am dating or who I let into my life is a guarantee, so waiting too long could also be just as weird. Remember I have said over and over, no two people, no two situations, or family dynamics are ever going to be the same, so no comparisons and no timeframes or rules seem to be one size fits all. Just do what you do, when you do it because deep down it feels right, and then go from there.

Paxton’s counselor has been preparing Paxton for this for about a year. He is a great man and I truly feel he was brought into our lives for a reason. He said, bless his heart, “your mom is young, she is pretty, she is caring and kind and she will probably find someone to love and who will love her back.” There is a lot more that went into this conversation that they have had multiple times. Paxton is my number 1 priority after God and myself and this will never change. He knows this, but I absolutely see when the apprehension, tension, confusion, doubt, fear and anxiety play a huge role in how he sees what I am doing and how it reflects on him, his future, and what he has always known. And believe me all of it comes with the greatest unknown, but just like everything in life nothing is a guarantee, change is inevitable and predictions, fears, anxieties, doubts, or even triumphs, success, fulfilled goals, and wins don’t always come true exactly as planned no matter how hard you attempt to figure out the future, or how many times you play a scenario over in your head trying to be as prepared as you can for every possible outcome. Sometimes you must just trust your gut and let it play out as it will. No matter how hard you try or how much you prepare it doesn’t always go the way you plan but goes the way that it should for what is needed. And we don’t always know what we need.

Which brings me to a friend who posted a quote on her story last week that took me back to a conversation I had with another friend a few days prior, as she and I discussed me opening a life coaching business. It said I think I finally hit my “it is what it is” stage with EVERYTHING. My previous conversation alluded to the fact that my other friend said that this saying drives her crazy, she doesn’t believe it at all. It should state… it is what it can be. And then there is me who thinks it is what it should be.

When I first went out with the guy that I am currently dating he said something to me that has stuck in my head. We had been talking for a few weeks before we met for drinks where we ended up having a 3 hour conversation that just flowed so naturally time wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I will never forget how he looked at me and said this just feels natural, and I knew exactly what he meant when he said it.  Sometimes things just flow with no pressure, no forced or false effort, and no expectations of what is to come.

A few weeks ago, he and I decided it seemed like a good time to meet each other’s kids. Is there every really a perfect time frame or situation? His being still relatively young wasn’t given the option to meet me, just enticed to come visit a farm full of animals and have a chance to ride a horse, but Paxton at the age he is and from the circumstances he has went through, I found it only fair to get his consent or blessing or persuade him into going along with the idea of meeting. I am not going to go into all the details, it seems especially unnecessary since it didn’t go like any scenario I had falsely created in my mind ahead of time. LOL, does it ever? It turned out like it was supposed to, a little nudging from a few friends, some similar hobbies, easy conversation, and a little relief getting it out of the way. He didn’t stay the whole evening, in fact I gave him an out, but he did put in some effort, and I absolutely love him for it. My kid is nothing shy of polite and kind when it counts. The buildup and anticipation can really be exhausting. Let’s just say I am glad I got that portion out of the way; I am blessed that Pax is open even in the slightest enough to be interested and that I am dating a guy who is patient and kind enough to understand the importance of timing and who is a father himself putting his kid first and understanding that I am doing that for mine while we both know there is room for each other in the mix, and no matter our background or our past our current familial status or weighing daily tasks and responsibilities; happiness is desired and deserved and tangible.

Life isn’t a fairy tale, things don’t always come together smoothly, things are built with effort, understanding and a little watering when necessary, but it doesn’t need to be hard, it doesn’t need to be a struggle to fit, it doesn’t always fit like a glove so don’t expect it to, but also know that if you have to force something together it is more than likely going to wear wrong or break, then you know it most definitely is not the right fit. Wait for the fit that molds together and feels natural.

Paxton and I just returned from our trip with friends. We didn’t really go with a plan, just a house we rented and some desire for the beach, sun, and water! We had such a great time, relaxed, laughed, and enjoyed the company. We all went on the roller coaster on Mission Beach. The kids most definitely wanted to go for the thrill. My friend said I will go if you are, I love roller coasters, so I was on board for sure. As we climbed into the car, she grabbed my hand and told me she hated roller coasters but loved them at the same time! In a way I felt bad that I dragged her along, but deep down knew she wanted to go. Sometimes our anxieties can stop us from doing things in life that can be most fulfilling. But if we just get over the initial fear and go for it, it becomes the most rewarding experience.  Just like I couldn’t predict the when and how of Steve dying, or be ready for it, I don’t know how my future will go either, I can let my fears of failing or losing someone else set in or I can just be excited about the possibilities and enjoy the ride. Get on board with your life and let the thrill overcome the doubt. You never know what is just around the corner if you get on.

From the Fear of F*king It Up to the Confidence to Make It Happen.

 

As Paxton walked out the door this morning, he was already in a sour mood from waking up later than he had intended and still frustrated with his hair not being cut and laying properly (teenage problems) due to his barber being sick for the last month and dead set against trying anyone new for fear they will “f*k it up… his words not mine. I cheerfully told him to have a great day with the retort response that that was “that’s impossible, because I have to go to school.” I wanted to coach him into having a better outlook on his day. The positive optimistic mom in me wanted to get in the last word about his attitude and how his day went had more to do with him than his circumstances but come on friends let’s be real- it is like talking to a wall sometimes with these teens! And then I stopped because no matter what I had to say, I knew he had to be open to receiving it, and I guarantee at that moment he was not. They don’t even want to begin to take mom’s advice, that would be absurd. LOL!  If they only knew fast forwarding 15-20 years and they will be in the same situation, I am sure. Trying to figure out what to say to their teen.  Like by then they or I haven’t lived at all through what they are experiencing now. Granted not exactly. Times are different, social media, phones and entitlement were not a thing in my day but I was still a teen, and experienced doubts, fears, emotions, feeling out of place, wanting to fit in, look good, have friends, find my way, getting through the boring and mundane classes, navigating my interests and dealing with teachers and people that I just didn’t care for or didn't like me! And actually a lot of us still have those fears and feelings as adults!

As I bit my tongue and decided to just text an encouraging quote at some point today which I often do during the week for him. He doesn’t normally respond unless it is an “I love you”, or “nice”, but I know he does take note of what I send, and I can only hope it might just slightly change his outlook. And then I know it is worth sending! I was reminded of a few things that happened this week that brought me back to how much control and power we actually have over our thoughts. I will say Sunday, being 2 years since Steve passed my weekend did not quite go as peaceful or relaxed as I would have hoped, I was surrounded by family and good friends who just knew what I needed and how to handle me even thought I wasn’t certain what I needed, but I did gain insight about my journey that I did not have prior to these feelings and the extra emotions and crying that did need to happen to force myself to think forward.

I have made it a point to bring love, light and hope into a lot of people’s lives over the years. I want people to believe in themselves and their abilities. To forward think, to be confident in their talents and choices and dream big dreams! I am not super competitive I am a huge cheerleader! In boosting others, I can remind myself of my strengths, abilities and talents and push myself a little more forward to my dreams, goals and that peace and harmony which is my main goal in life. Peace, joy, and happiness outweigh any amount of money I can make, time I can spend, or effort I put forth to accomplish worldly things. I want to share this with others, give them the tools to help them believe in themselves, accomplish their goals and desires, and think forward. My past has shaped who I am today for certain and sometimes I have looked at the glass half full and sometimes to be honest half empty. But as it has been said, the glass is refillable, always!  If you haven't, read How Full Is Your Bucket by  Mary Reckmeyer and Tom Rath

I have had several people approach me lately uncertain of their choices, afraid of what could go wrong in the process, afraid to fail, second guessing themselves, doubting their abilities, and just plain lacking the confidence in themselves to feel safe in their endeavors, whether it is getting out of a situation or embarking on a new one. I am really good at bringing them back to their center, regaining confidence in themselves and their choices, or helping them rethink what it is that they are trying to accomplish and refocus their steps to get there. We all often allow outside noise including neigh-sayers or jealous people to clout our minds with doubt, and often it is for fear of embarrassment or thoughts of someone being able to say “I told you so”. Absolutely no one has that much power over you without your permission! We can’t always guarantee something we do whether new or familiar is going to work out, but if we don’t try, we will always be wondering. If we try and fail, we at least tried. My advice is to concentrate on what can go right not what could go wrong, visualize the outcome and how it feels once you get to your end result and focus on that feeling. All the stuff along the way is just distracting fluff to discourage you! Don't let shit get in the way. 

I have encountered several eye-opening experiences this week, encounters with friends, acquaintances, and messages or readings I have come across that have moved me along the path that I have been contemplating for the last four years or so in helping others in a larger capacity then I already do. Last year at this time I thought my calling was being approached to lead a grief share group at a local church, and I do believe God wanted me in that space at the time to serve a purpose but now I feel I am being led to help move me forward into a new way for me to help others through a different type of leadership and connection. 

A friend needed a little encouragement this week so I wrote a affirming mantra and sent it to her and a few women who needed that self-confidence boost in their recent endeavors and reminded them not only to say this statement out loud every morning to start their day off on a positive note, but also to control their breathing and recite it every time they got stressed or doubted their abilities. All agreed with what I wrote and thanked me for sharing, one actually referred to me as her life coach! Words in a text or on a page will, however, not change your life, unless you believe in them and continue to take the actions necessary to get to where you want to go. You have to chose to take the actions to change your life for the better.

My past experiences and my traumas throughout my life have definitely had me question a lot of things, but I have never lost my faith and have maintained a positive approach, found the silverling, moved forward and not let my circumstances stand in the way of my dreams, goals or accomplishments. Things may be put on hold sometimes, but my confidence and determination outweigh my doubt. It isn’t for gentle nudging, reframing my thoughts constantly or reminding myself how truly awesome, unique, and purposeful I am in this world that make the difference. We should always be constantly evolving. I want to do that for others, I want them to be able to give the nudge needed to grasp a hold of their dreams, goals, desires, confidence and take it to the next level. I want God to bring into my life the people who need my help the most, the ones that I can bring inspiration to and that will pay it forward. What are you afraid of in taking your next step, let’s figure it out and get you on your way to fulfilling your entrepreneurial spirit, finding your center in your daily life or current job or relationship where you are struggling and turn the corner to the next best you. You have the power within you to do it, but just need the tools, nudging and reassurance that you are not alone and not too far off from reaching your greatest potential.

A friend of mine recently won a very prestigious and honorable award in her line of business and gave a speech about her life, her setbacks, traumas, and determination based on one of the principles her Nana taught her. “No matter what you face, you have the choice if it makes you bitter or better!” She has carried this with her since she was young a message ringing in the back of her head, and so did I but in a different capacity.  I grew up with a best friend, who was out of this world, her positive outlook on life even through the people’s lives she up-lifted and changed for the better especially during her illness in her short 10 years of life, it is like nothing else I have ever seen since, to the extreme opposite of my Grandma Pat, who I would consider to have been probably the most bitter person I have had the opportunity thus far to know. I used these people's examples or demeanors in my life to choose who I wanted to be more like and I still do. And believe me, I have been through so many things I could have easily chosen the path of bitterness, and no one would have faulted me for it. But why choose to live miserably, not enjoy my journey, not pursue my dreams, or go after what I want? 

I am still here; I deserve everything that makes me happy! This is something that I have always felt, preached, and looked for in any of my circumstances.  Silver linings, lessons or finding the positive in any situation can make all the difference in catapulting you forward, changing your mindset, and making a difference, not only in your future, but in those around you. Your attitude, your demeanor, the way you treat people, your mood walking into a room can set the tone, rub off on those around you and you could really change someone’s day! It could be positive or negative. Why not make those around you remember you as the upbeat hope filled woman who trusts her hopes not her fears? Why not me? Now just like anything else, I can provide encouragement, tools, advice, and a course of actions you can take to better yourself, meet your goals or gain confidence in your abilities, just like any other author, motivational speaker, life coach, business coach or counselor out there. But you must want to do the work, take the suggestions, or gain the knowledge and put it into your mindset, belief in yourself, and actions necessary to become better instead of bitter.

I thank all of you who continue to read my blogs, respond to my thoughts, resonate with, and thank me for my words, those who encourage me beyond belief, reach out publicly or privately to tell me of a situation, encounter, or connection to what I am speaking to you through my words or how much it has changed your outlook on something you have or are experiencing. It is validating to know I am inspiring others around me through my life experiences and my choice to be better verses bitter and be vulnerable in sharing my journey. I want everyone to be able to feel that for themselves.

If you are looking for life coaching or someone you know can benefit from it, after 4 years of struggling with my own confidence and the limits I placed on my abilities out of fear and whether I could benefit others to get them to their greatest potential or not, I AM READY to serve you. The timing is right. Reach out, let’s chat. Your first session is free and then I will offer a limited time low-cost plan to fit your goals/needs. I know I have a few men followers, but this will be exclusively offered to woman who want to learn to chose better over bitter or get them to the next level of confidence in their business or take that step into executing their ideas into their future goals with that extra boost of confidence that they already have inside them and just need to awaken it to take control over their future! We all have the right to flourish in this world, no one deserves to make something more of themselves more than you do with a little determination and positive push. Let's take you from the fear of f'*king it up to the confidence that you can make it happen. 

I came across this poem I had written years ago in a picture book I had made for my mom for her 60^th birthday. At least 15 years ago. I was spiritually nudged to go find this book this morning and skim through it. The timing in reading what I wrote and reflecting on the words couldn’t be more appropriate to come across than now, so I will share it with you. I believe in divine intervention and being in tune with it and its timing. 

I am who I am. I was born to be me. One of God’s children who He died to set free. Awaiting her future, her purpose foretold before walking those streets of gold. Many trials and errors, heartache, and pain. Pathways before me seem like nothing's to gain. Promised I am that this temporary strife will lead me to a better life. I walk the line waiting for His glorious sign. How do I know what He wants me to be if I don’t believe what I already see? I have a purpose, for this I know. I must take it to others to show. I am who I am, I was born to be me, one of God’s children he died to set free. -danirae

 

 

 

30 Years, A Place of Harmony, Music and Kitchen Lights

 

Today I will love all that I am for all that I am while finding myself by myself to define myself. I am an admirable person who seeks to help others, who values myself and knows my worth. Who works hard for myself and my child to create a life, a passion and a drive that is like a magnet and that attracts like people who value me and my family and knows my worth and celebrates my accomplishments with me.

I wrote the above after Steve died because even though I have always considered myself a strong woman, I didn’t realize how dependent my everyday was on being a part of someone else for so long, 23 years is a sizable portion of your life to be with someone who is no longer there. (I spent only 14 with my dad and the impact was huge!) The confidence I had in myself, and my abilities was in question and to this day 2 years later I still wonder sometimes, and need to remind myself I can do hard things. And so can you!  

I passed this statement above along to a friend who is in a space of redefining herself to step in the direction of her worth and her dreams and no longer let her life circumstances dictate what she can limit herself to doing. Whether someone dies or is still alive, when they are removed from your life it can take a huge shift in thinking and way of living on your part.  Our lives are about growth, change and becoming who we are meant to be. You cannot go through a significant life change and expect to be the same person you used to be; I am convinced that just isn’t possible. Journeys take you to new places they don’t hold you still for a moment in time. Reminding yourself to change is good, trying new things is good, becoming a better person than you were yesterday, last week, or last year is good.

Often, I think we lose sight of who we are and what we are trying to accomplish because we are so busy taking care of all that is around us. This is okay to an extent because God calls us to serve his people and we all have responsibilities in life. However, we must not lose sight of ourselves in the process. Today marks 30 years since my father died an event that has shaped me into who I am today. It reminds me that we all have choices. We can choose to let our circumstances help or hinder our growth, destroy our lives, or flourish because of them. No one claims that either choice is easier, in fact flourishing despite your circumstances and setbacks can be a lot more challenging but I am proof it can also be a lot more rewarding.

I never in a million years (well actually I had a brief glimpse 8 years ago, but we won’t go into my hokey intuition) did I think or prepare myself that 28 years after my dad passed to almost the exact date (less than a week a part) my son would also lose his. I am heading into this week with a lot of distractions to calm my tears, a lot of Hope to calm my fears, and a lot of Grace for both Paxton and I to just be what my cousin calls “in our feels.” This isn’t something you purposely do to get attention, as an excuse for forgetfulness or bad behaviors, just something that is real, the timing, the emotions, and the roller coaster memories from a time in your life that significantly changed your future because you loved so deeply and lost, and you want to hold onto those memories forever. You want to recreate a time and space that brings you directly to that person whether good or bad, it gives you a connection to something that no longer exists but was such a meaningful part of your life, you just want to revisit for a little while and reminisce in your “feels”. Just let the feelings occur, don’t fight the emotions, and accept that you will climb out more focused and mindful when you let those feelings happen naturally, tell yourself it is ok to feel the way that you do with the intention of snapping out of it, but not until you deal with them.

Like I have said before in other blogs, we will all have ups and downs in our lives, you just must make sure the ups are more frequent than the downs and when the downs come to visit, you do everything in your power, the power that is within you, not to stay there for too long. You woke up this morning, you are still here, God gave you a purpose and has a plan for you, get out and explore, if you are not serving your purpose take that step today to go in the right direction, enjoy the journey, and make those people who are no longer here, proud that you still are. When one chapter ends, the next one begins; write it forward.

Some girlfriends and I went to an acoustic concert series last night, which live music and music in general really has a way of bringing me peace. The featured artists were all very good and the words and lyrics in songs have a way of connecting with my soul. Whether it is the years of poetry that I have written, the blogs that I post, from being a fellow writer, or just the emotions that I feel when I can listen to and relate to someone else’s story through their music it tends to take me to a place of harmony within. Music isn't my only outlet but not all the other things I enjoy or bring me harmony can be done everyday, so this one seems the most centering. Pause as many times as you need and find what centers you and partake in it more. 

The words last night that resonated with me and my resent struggles inside my head were this. Always have a safe space you can go to and create a safe space that someone else can come to. Life’s ups and downs require love and support. We are not expected to do it alone. Go get yourself a cheerleader and be a cheerleader for someone else, but always love who you are no matter where you are in your journey, things change, embrace the changes, and move forward. Stop trying to have all, be all, and do all by yourself. And if you are going to live in your past, make it brief, the person you were no longer exists and you owe it to yourself and those around you to concentrate on the person you are creating!  

I will continue to move forward being me, trusting and loving who I am and what my purpose is, but give me a week at least… lol. I need to pause and take it all in. Remember to be kind to everyone you meet you have no idea what they are struggling and dealing with in their head at any given moment. And remember to give the grace you give others to yourself as well, you absolutely need and deserve it just as much as they do. 

Taken from Light on In the Kitchen by Ashley McBryde

So Honey, trust yourself

You better love yourself

‘Cause ‘til you do you ain’t no good to anybody else

Honey, trust yourself

Laugh at yourself

If something tries to hold you back

Get up and give it hell

And for haven’s sake always have a place

Where you can do some cryin’ and some bithcin’

And always leave a light on in the kitchen.

Big Dreams, Bad Ass Moms, Confidence, and Silver Linings.

 

Have you ever been so excited about something, and it doesn’t turn out as you expect or plan? Happens all the time, right? Or at least more often than we hope for. And yet, somehow, we again and again plan, prepare, and expect the best.  When we allow ourselves to get super disappointed instead of finding good in any situation we are living in a false sense of perfection. If we can find the good, learn the lesson, or gain from the experience we can be equipped to handle the next situation and accept that sometimes disappointments happen, things don’t go right, or we find ourselves in a bind. I try my hardest to stop myself and find a silver lining instead of allowing it to affect my mood or my demeanor, I may not always succeed at first, but I try. Which can ultimately cause a downward spiral of negativity in any one given day, week, or year if we put too much emphasis on any one negative event and allow it to overcome our sense of confidence, happiness, or pleasure. Placing myself in a state of gratitude rather than despair helps me to see the bigger picture and allows me to control how I am affected by negative circumstances surrounding me. Because this is life and shit happens!

If you have ever participated in something competitive, most if not all participants go into a game, match, or competition with the idea of winning in their mind! No one says, “I can’t wait to lose”, “I am excited to fail”, or “I look forward to being defeated”. And yet if you do lose, if you are not successful in your attempt to win or be on top that day you might get discouraged, be upset with your performance, or feel bummed for a while, however you use that loss to help you prepare for the next competition, work harder, or alter your approach and once again you go in believing that you will succeed and do better in the next one.

Guys, life is kind of the same concept. You will never win at everything you do, but you don’t ultimately just give up, instead you learn from each encounter how to improve as you go and strive to always do better every day. You are constantly educating yourself, adjusting, and readjusting to life and what it throws at you. You choose how you react, and you choose your attitude. Both of which can make or break you, but it is your choice.

I am listening to an audible by Lydia Fenet called Claim Your Confidence, (sidenote, I absolutely love listening to motivational books read by the author who wrote them, it makes me pay more attention to each word as I picture them talking directly to me and giving me the tools and secrets on how to improve something that I am looking to do, even if it might be slightly or even significantly different then their goals the basic concepts will apply)

I read her first book called The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You a little over a year ago with take aways that have improved the way I look at a lot of the things I do. She is a highly sought out, very successful non-profit auctioneer in a male dominated industry. Not only is that powerful, but that is also confidence at its finest, probably not the easiest success story, however, it proves that if you really want something, don’t let anything discourage you or make you quit. You have the power within you to make it happen if you believe in yourself and take the necessary steps no matter who or what stands in your way. Overcoming obstacles is a huge factor in most success stories.  I guarantee she didn’t get there without getting shot down, being ridiculed, told she couldn’t do it, sleepless night and perhaps a lot of tears. But she stands before us today as an example of someone who chooses to take control of her life repeatedly for sake of the bigger picture and to be the writer of her own story.

This weekend was girl’s weekend! I have looked forward to this since our first trip a year ago. And even though each one of these girls has been a significant part of my life in one capacity or another for a couple years to over twenty years, as a group we collectively formed and share a bond that not only can’t be broken but it also can’t be joined. We have shared our lives, our goals, our fears, weaknesses, strengths, and temptations with one another and many memories have been built while we have been through life’s ups and downs together in full support even when we might be hard to love. This weekend started out as a birthday celebration for both girls whose birthdays are this month when we planned it. Going up to the cabin to relax and rest, have a little girl fun in an inexpensive but much needed getaway!

As bad ass working moms we all need a little girlfriend supported R&R from time to time to destress and bring us back to center. God knows we carry the weight of our families, our careers, our societal demands, and expectations on our shoulders daily and still come out on the other side the next day continually moving forward! Sometimes I wonder how, but we do it! Bad ass moms have this superpower. Unexpected life circumstances caused one of us to miss it entirely and the weekend itself was cut short due to life’s demands by others. The one thing that I stress over all is that even though we are there for each other through life’s thick and thin, we as individuals then our families come first.

Truly I wished I had learned this ten years ago or more; we cannot fully take care of others if we are not taking care of ourselves. No matter how much you might believe putting others first (as I was taught) is the selfless and ultimate goal you have been taught to live by. Yes, to an extent God wants us to serve others before ourselves but not to our detriment or complete breaking point of our bodies and mind. And I doubt He is encouraging doing each thing half-assed or not fully giving our attention to it because we have too many things on our plate to be effective at any one given thing. Can we multi-task, sure we can but everything has a cap.

I have learned even more in the last two years than the last ten that saying no to something gives me the control over what I can or cannot handle physically, mentally, or emotionally and allows me a better, healthier, and more productive outcome for the things that I know I excel at helping! You cannot be good at everything, but you owe it to yourself to be able to give 100% to the things that you are and feel like you are making a difference for. I would tell my younger self this as well as encourage those younger than me to live by it starting now, not 10 years from now.

I found myself with a day and a half to sit around with the choice to feel sorry for myself and the plans we had and be disappointed in the things that did not happen as we had planned. Or to control my thoughts to keep them positive, be grateful for the time we had spent and enjoyed, and take advantage of the remaining time to do the things that I needed to do around my cabin, sift through old stuff, clean out closets, throw away useless or broken items, shop for some upgrades to make my renters experience more enjoyable, read a new book, enjoy breakfast with some family members, have a little extra time to help another friend in need, and bask in the laughter and energy of the boys who came back from their time at grandpa’s (because they couldn’t be a part of girl’s weekend) and spent with me.

Part of you living the life you want to live is in harmony not balance. What is truly important to you? No one is perfect so stop trying to live the perfect life.  Imperfections are what make life interesting. Stop trying to please others, apologize for your choices, or ask others for permission to take care of yourself, your family, or your needs. Those people who are your tribe, your cheerleaders, and your support system will continue to participate in your journey no matter what life’s demands get in the way, so keep writing your story and those who are suppose to be in it will continue to be there with every step you take to improve your life, meet your needs, and take you to places that sometimes only you can imagine. Because frankly, as in every signed copy of my children’s book I write The possibilities of your imagination are endless, Dream Big!  love, Dani. I should add if you believe in yourself more than you believe in those who doubt you, you are one step ahead of your critics! Visualize yourself already being where you want to go and keep your eyes, your heart, and your mind focused on the bigger picture instead of all the obstacles along your way.

Don’t ask anyone permission to write your story, it is yours… but if you feel like you need permission, today I am giving it to you. Do the things that make you happy! Dream Big!

Taken from Drayton Farley’s song Dreamer

If I can dream forever than I never wanna die I was born to be a dreamer in this hard up kind of life. If I can dream forever go ahead and blind my eyes ‘cause these dreams are all I have and all these dreams I have are mine. Oh my, all these dreams I have are mine. So if I can dream forever then I never wanna die.. I was born to be a dreamer in this hard up kind of life.. If I can dream forever, go ahead and blind my eyes.. ‘cause these dreams are all I have and these dreams I have are mine.