Speak kindly to yourself

 I spent half of last night crying my eyes out, stuck in my head again talking the talk that drives me crazy but is so easy to fall into the trap of doing. “ how stupid could you be, why didn’t you check the box, why did you throw trash on top, why didn’t you dump everything out before taking it outside, why are you so stupid, why are you so dumb" and all the crazy things I say to myself when I get mad at myself.  I went to bed with a stuffed-up nose and headache feeling exhausted and like I failed AGAIN! Super productive closing to a otherwise normal and happy day. 

How often does this happen, the day is going great, wonderful, things are moving right along and then BAM- I do something stupid that I totally could have controlled. As a wife, mom, friend, businesswomen I somehow am so hard on myself and have expectations that I just cannot always meet. I do many things, sometimes too many, but have said yes for so long it is hard to stop and slow down.And when a family member has to point out that maybe you should add one more thing to your plate, the guilt of my busyness just sinks in! It is a constant battle all the time to take my time, be more thorough and a little less “lazy”. But sometimes it is hard to fit it all in or I am just tired and not as young as I used to be. 

 I do need to remind myself that just because I do stupid things, I am not stupid. I am also trying to focus on not displaying putting myself down in front of my child who I am trying to protect from creating this bad habit himself…which I am starting to see and it pains me to watch and try to correct it when he often sees it displayed and honestly guys it is so hard to keep myself in check! I do not want him to suffer with this battling inner negative self talk as I do and have for so many years, People think I have my shit together and honestly I try hard to portray that I do most of the time- but I think we all do this- we all fall into the trap of putting our-self down for our mistakes. I am not perfect I never will be and I might as well share that I am just a hot mess as any of the rest.

Last week Paxton got the catcher’s gear we ordered, and the box had been setting in my living room… I hate clutter and wanted to get the box outside, I asked Paxton to put it in the garage, later I had put a bag of trash and frozen pizza boxes on top which signified to Steve it was garbage to set the whole thing out for garbage day yesterday! He happened to be off yesterday and helpful, cleaning my kitchen, vacuuming the whole house while I worked! On any other occasion I would have been so grateful and I was but then I was like why did he have to take out that box?? !  Oh, why oh why could I have not taken that trash straight out to the ummmm trash can the other night! Why did I have to toss it in the box?

UGH.. I didn’t realize under the plastic bag and packing stuff from the gear were 2 pads that were pertinent to the chest protector. I had grabbed the two red things I saw laying at the top of the box out the day before but didn’t bother to dig through the box before asking Paxton to remove it from my living room floor. At glance I didn't notice anything else of importance in there! I normally break boxes down before I throw them in the trash but apparently there was enough room and Steve being helpful yesterday morning just threw the box trash, pads and all right into our dumpster.

Was it an accident? Well yes by definition, anything that isn’t intentional to me is an accident, but most of the time accidents can be prevented and that is when it takes the biggest toll on your mind and it races with what you could have, should have and didn’t do to have prevented it. This brand new, very expensive item that I now have to try and replace a small portion of it with out spending the money for the whole thing not only is a waste of my money, if I can’t get the two missing pads and a waste of my time trying to get it, making calls and begging for favors when I could be being productive doing something else.

Sometimes the things I do to save myself time end up being the things that cost more time, effort, negative energy and headache than if I would have looked through the box- left it in my house until I broke it down and completely cleared it out or took the 1 small bag of trash I threw on top of the box, 15 more feet out the garage door and into the dumpster, yep, that would have been the right choice, maybe not the late at night just set it out the garage door into the house I will get it on my next trip out the garage kind of lazy attitude that at the time felt like a great choice!

I know that life is a learning experience but sometimes the costs are great and so avoidable. Climbing inside my head telling myself how stupid I am because that is the way I am feeling, doesn’t really make it better, it doesn’t make the pads come back, erase the situation or have me go back in time to do over – in creating that hostile attacking environment in my mind it just causes more stress, ailments and emotional exhaustion… so why is it so easy to do? Somehow someway it makes me feel better for a split second that I can blame my stupidity and relieves the pain of something that I caused. I am not sure how to explain it, but I know I am not the only one who attacks myself quietly and verbally because of my inadequacies. But it takes twice as much time to build that self-talk back into a positive spirit, once you are in repair mode! Self-confidence, self esteem and self-worth can be broken down in a lot less time than it takes to build it back up.

Try to correct your inner thoughts the minute they start to go south, as the attack is huge, and the recovery can be long. A person is way more important than a thing, even when money is involved or pride of ownership is considered. As a human, we make mistakes, sometimes they are huge at the time and trivial in the grand scheme of things –no matter what they seem like in the moment- especially as time goes on when you can’t even remember what you got so upset about. Have you ever fought with someone and then a while later honestly can't remember what the fight was about no matter how hard you try? Negative self-talk is like fighting with yourself and then not even remembering what you got so upset with yourself in the first place down the road when looking back! Yet the vast reality at the time it is happening to you is so major because you are living it in that moment. Hard as it might be while you are experiencing the setback, trying to consider the long-term effects, take a few deep breaths, walk-away, occupy your mind with something else and ease up on yourself- you might just be glad you did.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush said

 "Nobody is perfect,

 look for the good in others, forget the rest" 

I want to add and 

"start with you...

Forgive yourself."

Is there an instruction manual regarding fair?

I wrote last week about feelings being neither right nor wrong and that we really cannot tell someone how to feel. This week we had to deal with our son and an issue on the playground because he didn’t think someone was being fair. I think all of this in life encounter this at one time or another, and maybe sometimes we don’t feel anything is fair. We had to have a talk with him on what is right and wrong and that sometimes even if you think you are right it is a better idea to walk away then to press about him needing to be right because he feels he is right! Even if he is sticking up for someone else in a situation that may not really involve him, he wants it to be fair for the other person. Who determines fair?

We had to tell him that just like feelings are neither right nor wrong… they are your feelings… every one’s perception of what is right or wrong or fair may not be the same. Not everyone can be right all the time, not everyone is the winner. In this society we have grown accustom to everyone getting a trophy for participating… especially with the younger kids. “It is only fair that they all have done a good job.” In my opinion it gives kids the wrong impression that life will be fair, and everyone is a winner for trying… which as we get older, we know isn’t true. In life, in the job field when you are up for a promotion or a spot on a competitive team, it is definitely a flight or fight- who is the best qualified, who works the hardest and honestly sometimes winning is a popularity contest and has nothing to do with skill at all! Heck even in sporting events there is only one team that wins- not both can win, even if they both played their absolute best there is only one winner. Yet we tell them if they do their best that is all that matters, kids, especially boys, can be competitive and want to win in their own mind they want to look favorable to their friends and get picked and want to be a part of the group and look good enough to be included. Not everyone can be first pick and not everyone makes the right call. Look at the NFL or MLB or any other professional sport out there. They have officials sitting in some room somewhere waiting to review calls that are challenged.  Their egos at a young age drive them to be right, to fit in and to want to be the best. This will carry over into adulthood as those of us who are seasoned in life already know is coming.

This young age of 8-12 is where these kids see other kids excel at certain things and they wonder why they don’t. They see what they lack and not what their strengths are that the other person doesn’t have. We often carry that into adulthood where we become jealous to the point, we start bad mouthing our inability to perform like the other person or we are so upset that we can't be like that person our anger just turns to plain meanness. Who knows what goes on inside our head as a kid, but I know when my kid starts to call himself dumb because someone else is better than him or when he makes a mistake that he is feeling inferior and cannot see that he excels in other areas of his life that those boys might wish they did? Humans tend to want what they don’t have- curly hair instead of straight, blue eyes instead of brown, body parts like someone else, musical ability instead of sports, be able to assemble something rather than be book smart and vice versa. If we could all just accept the talents we are given and roll with it, verses wasting time trying to be what we are not- the world would fit together a lot better. But we are broken, and we constantly strive to compete not because we want to necessarily be better than the next person, but we want to be as good as they are at something we may not be suppose to!

How do I teach my kid to walk away from a challenge or an argument in such a competitive world, without making him seem like he is backing down or giving in or giving up on his beliefs or idea of what is right or fair? Yes, that I haven’t figured out just yet. He didn’t come with an instruction manual and not all people are created equally in the way the perceive, feel, value or need to be treated in order to react in a certain way. The instruction manual is written daily, based on what works and what doesn’t and has quite a few cross outs and eraser marks along the way.
Teach your kids to try and do the right thing whatever that maybe in their mind, that there are times to stand up for what you believe in and times when it is worth just letting the other person think they are right and letting go or stop trying to convince them that you are. It is a tough road and these judgments are based off experience, age, knowledge and each person’s perception. This is definitely why the world is broken- not everyone thinks the same. Unfortunately, we are not in control of our child’s thoughts… all we can do as a parent is try hard every day to be a good example to them. Their little minds absorb everything they see and hear, and parents are the most influential model most of the time for them. I know I won’t be a perfect example, but I can try hard to be a good one.

Proverbs 22:1 A good reputation is more desirable than great wealth, and favorable acceptance more than silver and gold.

Morning Motivation!

So I read a lot for motivation. I love to listen to other people's stories and experiences and the things they do to keep themselves at the top of their game! I am self motivating but I have to stay on top of myself every day. I am work in progress... that will never be perfected. Every day is a new start, yesterday whether good or bad should not determine how my today will go. Years ago I placed motivational quotes on both my master bath and above my desk in my office. I got in the habit of reciting them every day.. until I stopped. LOL. Why because I already knew what I was saying. 

 I think sometimes when we do something repeatedly, it becomes habit and sometimes habits are good and bad and sometimes they become so routine we don't really process them.

Have you ever been driving and wonder how you got to where you were going? Your brain goes on auto pilot and you aren't really even paying attention. I think a lot of things in life are like that. Sometimes change is good. Sometimes you need to shake it up. If you keep doing what you have always done you will always get what you have always gotten they say! That is kind of like a tongue twister but true. 

Sometimes when we repeat the same thing over an over again it really loses its meaning. Like the sayings, quotes and advise I have had on my mirror and wall for a few years. I say them but am I listening to it in my head, or am I off somewhere else like when I am driving and can't remember how I got there. I grew up Catholic and there was a lot of memorizing prayers and songs. Stuff you say over and over again. You know it but are you feeling it when you say it or are you doing it out of obligation? 

A client of mine posted on her wall this morning, " Wherever you are, be all there!" That has a lot of meaning. I have written before about how hard it is to wear my mom hat, change to my Realtor hat, my wife hat, my volunteer hat and so on. Sometimes we need to just step back and concentrate on what we are doing at the present moment, whether it is listening to our kid talk about something they saw on You Tube that we are genuinely not interested in so we are looking at our phone at the same time, or we are multitasking to save time yet we skip a step in our dinner making,or we are reading our morning motivation hoping to inspire our self to be better.

All I know is that I need to keep striving to be in my moment and not fast forwarding so much I miss living it now. I am going to change up my mirror motivation every week this hopefully will help me stay focused, not allow the routine to mute my motivation and give me something to constantly do better at! Maybe with this change I can also increase my time in the moment- stay motivated on a regular basis and not let the monotony of the routine that is suppose to motivate me allow me to get bored that I stop listening or trying. 

Mama Bear

I grew up with parents who struggled, who argued, who loved, one who wore emotions on their sleeve and another who harbored them inside . A mother who yelled (I see this trait in myself and I struggle often with trying to not be the yeller- and it seems to haunt me every time) ( A father who would shut down- escape to the T.V. or “go for a drive” to cool off when they argued).  I remember the good and tough times. I say though times, because bad times to me reflects something that you are trying to get out of, something that you no longer want. Tough times to me mean that you are trying to resolve a situation or find a better way, but you are not wanting to quit, give up or leave.

As I got a little older my parents became part of a group called Marriage Encounter where they gave weekends for married couples, not only to enrich marriages but to decrease the gap in communication sometimes married couples experience as well as increase the amount and quality of communication they displayed with one another.  They would dialogue a lot through written communication by basic questions they answered to each other in notebooks they kept to themselves. They would write, read the other persons and then discuss what they were feeling about the other one’s answers together, it helped them process their thoughts verses lashing out at the other person verbally and they always had the understanding that no matter what they read, the other person’s feelings were neither right nor wrong. Years later when my mom died, I shredded 2 entire boxes of notebooks that she had kept after my died passed away. For a hot second I wanted to read some of those dialogues to understand my parents better, to maybe improved my own communication with my husband- but I decided that communication alone was something totally intimate and totally unique to their relationship and I chose not to. The biggest thing I learned in the years that they were a part of this group, as they improved communication in our home, with one another and the way they looked at outside situations, the way they treated me as well as what I learned when they prepared for their presentations- even though at my young age I was not involved in most of what they discussed in preparation (some of it was too personal and some of it things a 8-13 year old kid doesn’t need to know about their parent’s intimacy) was that feelings are neither right nor wrong! We cannot control someone else’s feelings or mindset! We can control how we act or react. We can control what we do and say, but not how it makes someone else feel. No matter how good of intentions we have when we present our self to someone else, there is always a chance that they will not receive it the way we intended.

Even after what I learned as a child, now that I am married with a family, my first instinct is to want to be protective of my husband and son when someone else hurts their feelings, I want to not only make them feel better, take away any hurt or try to get them to understand and look at things from someone else’s view. I cannot however control, change or expect them to feel another way then they do.

 Life is hard you guys! Sometimes we don't always cope the way we expect or want to or play out in our head. With some recent complications that our family has experienced, I want more , than anything to make things turn out differently, I want to be a protective “MAMA BEAR” I am a fixer, I am a peace maker, I want everyone to see eye to eye- forgive and forget and move on- but I have to remember that we are all unique individuals with our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, understandings, skills, talents and differences. With that said if we all thought, acted, felt, celebrated, lived, grieved, loved and approached our circumstances the same, we may as well be robots living a very mundane and boring life. I need to remember that sometimes just stepping back and letting things unfold as they are suppose to is the best decision I can make on behalf of my family dynamic no matter how much it pains me to want to protect and control the situation and fix the issues.

The very thing that sometimes tears people, friends, and relationships apart is the very thing that we need to celebrate… being unique individuals that all contribute in some way to this circle of life. The universe revolves because we all bring something different to it. We cannot always control our situation or our circumstances, we don’t always know why things have to work out the way they do, we cannot rewind; go back; erase and start over… we can only go forward, celebrate who we are as individuals, be respectful of those who we have a difference of opinion with whether we continue with that relationship getting past our differences, or we must eliminate those relationships that we cannot repair due to not understanding where someone else is coming from, our huge egos of wanting to believe what we are thinking is right and someone else’s thoughts are not.

We think and feel based on every notch that has happened on our timeline called life, everything we have experienced affects the way we act, feel and respond- whether in a good way or a bad way. And since we haven’t all experienced the same notches on our timeline, we cannot expect that everyone will do everything the same!

Through all the things I have been through in my life, I have to remember every day that this is a new chance to be a good person, to try to help others in every way that I can, to give life 100% to count my blessings and to be me. No matter how hard I want to fix something or someone, I can only change myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, my actions, reactions and ideals. We are each only responsible for our self… we can choose to be a good example or not, we can love unconditionally or not, we can embrace life, or we can crawl inside our heads with worry, negative thoughts or self-talk that can ruin our lives, our relationships or our accomplishments. As a human race we are flawed, we all experience pain, set-backs, hurt and struggles. It is when we allow those things to take over instead of letting go and bouncing back or learning to cope and adjust to other people’s reactions, decisions, ideas and personalities that we continue to make the world revolve in harmony with one another.

Remember you can choose how you live your life, but not how someone else lives theirs or responds to yours. Don’t force the world to conform to your ideals, embrace a world that exists based on everyone’s differences. We are all contributing parts of the whole.

Excerpts from 1 Corinthians 12 Now concerning^[a] spiritual gifts,^[b] brothers,^[c] I do not want you to be uninformed…¹² For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ… ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸ But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹ If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts,^[e] yet one body. ²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. ²⁸ And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. ²⁹ Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? ³⁰ Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? ³¹ But earnestly desire the higher gifts.

Stepping down to step ahead

Welcome to the 21^st century…where we as members are busy all of the time. If we are not running from one thing to the next we are run down from so much running. I am so busy going from one project to the next, which I did mention in previous posts is really what keeps me going. When I have too much time to think I sometimes get a creeping of depression that moves itself right in. The year before last it settled in for a little while and I had much to do to get it to move out. I did but it took awhile, most people probably didn’t notice and I got back into my busy groove of things with a whole new perspective and have been going ever since. Once in a while it rears its ugly head and tries with all its might, sometimes it can stay a day or two, but too much positivism on this end for it to be welcomed for much longer than that.

With said busy schedule sometimes I am challenged with priorities and what order they need to come verses what order they come based off of not only financial need sometimes but certain levels of commitment that have been promised. 4 years ago I said YES to yet another volunteer position which I happily took on because not only do I love to plan events I am a people person and it was right up my alley of things I knew that I could do. 2 years later after much enjoyment creating, planning and executing this position I tried to pass it off to someone else to carry the torch and use their talents to continue. With no one else who stepped up I was easily convinced that I was needed 1 more year. Another year went by and yet more convincing to stay- I thought about leaving and trying something new, a few friends suggested to run for School Board, I thought about it for quick minute but decided I am really not political and I didn’t want to jump from 1 big commitment to another-

 So I heard you are good at what you do they said, you make a difference… all feel good things… so with a little more reluctantance then the previous year I accepted staying on as President for 1 more year - I stayed under certain conditions of eliminating some of the projects that we worked hard at and were time consuming but made little progress in return. The commitments are always fantastic! Everyone who knows me knows I love to give and give and give! I have a hard time saying no and I always give 100% and enjoy what I am doing, I enjoy seeing others enjoy what I have prepped and planned for and I love working with individuals who do and feel the same. Over the last 4 years I have had great team members, volunteers, behind the scenes helpers and community members who have really helped me throughout the years give back as much as we have to the school and community. I have enjoyed being in charge of organizing things with others help, I have loved loved loved watching the kids benefit and the changes that have been made, the things that have been bought to benefit the school  and the friendships that have developed. With this said I have been feeling most recently that this would be my final year in my position. That it was time for me to move on to something else whether that be family time, personal time, work-out time or whatnot or some other position that God sends in my direction. Hopefully it is small and doesn’t consume any of my time… hahahaha.

Saying this saddens me but I know my limits, I know how far I can go. I can give something 100% until I can’t. And, when I can’t I know it is time to be done, to move on and to let someone else give their passion to the cause! And as in past years that I have let others convince me that no one else wants to do what I do, this year I have decided that it is no longer my responsibility to keep doing it because no one else wants to! Frankly guys, I am tired. I have really enjoyed it all and have really learned a lot, about myself and others but it is time and I am ready. I still want to remain helpful- but I want to step back from being in charge, running the show, having the responsibility or whatever you want to call it! Someone will step up, someone will do just as good of job if not better and I can and should be at peace with myself that I am doing the best thing for me that I possibly can, with no regret.

Don’t get me wrong, helping and volunteering is in my blood but stepping back re-evaluating my noisy world filled with distractions, temptations, frustrations, stresses, feeling like things fall on me for responsibility, and complications is just what is needed to maintain my happiness levels at a reasonable level… not only is good for my soul, but for the sanity of my family. When I take a lot on my plate sometimes they suffer from my stress and frustrations of wanting everything to work out “perfect as planned”. As we all know that isn’t the case. Sometimes we can control things and sometimes we can’t, it is when we can’t that we are most tested. Sometimes I am good at allowing things to happen as they will and other times I try to keep control even when I know I can’t because I somehow feel it is my responsibility. And when you allow the commotion of a plethora of other things distract you from your number one priority that is when you are doing your loved ones a disservice and even yourself. It works for a while, but not forever. When you try to manage too many things is when things begin to break down, just as you can’t be good at EVERYTHING, you can’t juggle too many things either- because something is bound to suffer and you cannot give everything you do 100%, be an expert in every field or control every situation.

When I announced that I would not be returning to the PTA as President next year I did so with full conviction that this is the best thing for my family and I, for the PTA and for the person it will allow to grow in this position whoever that may be. It is not my responsibility to find someone to replace me and it is not my responsibility if no one claims it. I say that with a hint of guilt, but honestly I need to learn that saying No (and I have said this countless times to myself and as advise to others) is OK! Life goes on, things still get done and I will never regret my choice to let go.

Reshuffling my priorities feels great! I am ready and I am grateful for the experiences that I have had which I have developed additions to my resume called life.

People are happy if they can do what they think is right without feeling guilty. – Romans 14:22