Glass, Grills, Gardening, and Guilt

Sometimes it takes some reorganizing in life and in your mind in order to get where you are intended to be. I have been doing a lot of weeding in my yard, garden, orchards, and flower beds lately. Those wonderful late winter rains we had and then high temperatures have brought them fast, furious and anchored. They are unwanted, unnecessary and sometimes a bitch to get rid of. Last weekend I spent two partial days weeding and still wasn't free of their roots. 

Work has been super busy lately! Good busy, crazy busy, negative busy, and not necessary busy but stuff that needs to be addressed nonetheless. I used to think that every "opportunity" that came my way was something I needed to attend to,  take on, or solve a problem for someone else. Not everything that comes my way is meant for me. This is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, doors open that you should leave that way, some need to be closed half-way, others shut completely and some need to be slammed before they even make it fully opened so you are not doing damage control later on. Just like the weeds the more you take on at once, the more you feel you need to fix other peoples problems or save them from something the more embedded those weeds become and are hard to get rid of once relationships form no matter how toxic. 

Clients for me seem to be the hardest. I pray that God brings me the people that need my help the most, but lately I have been thinking my prayers need a different direction.  I am not meant to help everyone that crosses my path, maybe I my learning: experience is saying no before I let it break me. Too often what I feel is me serving God by helping someone else is actually stealing my joy and not from God. I have worked so hard to create a peace about me and to find joy in everyday since Steve died. I need to protect that and weed out as many things as I can that threaten it.  Just a few days ago l let a potential client know that I wasn't the right match for her to meet or fulfill her expectations and needs without being blunt enough to say she wasn't the right match for me and I foresaw her draining all of my energy and joy. ( I don't want to burn bridges.) My franchise has created opportunities for me that I never dreamed of but with that comes some unwanted connections and things that need to be sifted through to weed out what doesn't bring me peace, profit or potential. 

I was making a cup of coffee the other day in my kitchen just mentally going through all the days tasks, to-do list, and what to prioritize. One of them being the weed take over that I now NEEDED to tackle verses wanted to tackle in my acre plus yard. I am sure Steve is looking down fretting over how bad we let it get, but guess what? Even though he would have never let it get this bad, he also isn't here to help, he left it on my plate and all of everything I deal with daily on my own doesn't allow me to be able to tend to or give everything the same level of attention we once did tackling things times the power of 2. I have Paxton but also he has responsibilities and hobbies that take precedence as well. Obviously I cannot take care of everything at once and some things are needier than others especially when it comes to my business and what is putting food on my table verses my outdoor view. Although Steve created an outdoor space for me that I thank God for everyday and do strive to keep it looking its best to enjoy it. You should feel peace in your own space.  

I tend to take other's emotions and needs upon myself, trying to satisfy their expectations, find solutions to problems, and make them happy. I want those that I serve to feel the excellent service that I provide and send me referrals because of the job I did! I want to be that go-to person for all your real estate needs and  I have strived for 25 years to go above and beyond and leave my mark, to be the great, knowledgeable  expert in my field that everyone thinks of when they are ready to buy and sell. It is natural to want to be remembered in that way, if you didn't you are probably in the wrong profession. I want to be helpful, encouraging, and the person who contributes to you having a smooth experience, despite all the stress a sale or purchase can bring! It can be a lot and if I can make it that much easier, simpler, or convenient for you I am going to try my best. Sometimes this especially when you have 15 listings, 8 things in escrow and about 10 other up and coming possibilities your mind can spin like a whirlwind and seem extra heavy. Organizing all that can be overwhelming but the potential of it all can be satisfying. 

Paxton came out of his teen room to talk to me and when he went back into it the door shut in such a way that I heard a crash in the hall, I went over and saw the picture frame from one of the hall shelves came crashing to the floor, but not just any picture frame, Steve and I's pewter anniversary frame that I had one of my favorite photos of us in, it was laying on the floor, glass all around popped out of the frame with another picture behind, not sure if you guys do this but when I switch out photos I don't always take out the last one, just put a new one over it. lol. It was a black and white photo from  I don't even recall when, we look like babies... lol. The flood gates opened and the tears immediately fell from my eyes. definitely not what  I expected. I mean it was glass, the frame was fine, photos were fine, but where I was in my mind at that moment it just hit a little different. Paxton came out looked at me grabbed a broom and cleaned it up. I was grateful that he silently just took care of it rather than asking me "why' I was crying, telling me not to cry or wait until I cleaned it up.  I felt like the whole day through a few emotional instances that came my way but I did get through it. Still here and writing about it! HA!

Later on that night I was at Mark's house I told him earlier about the frame. He was extra sensitive to my needs and I love that about him. As we sat on the couch after dinner I scrolled through Facebook and a memory video popped up of the Artisan grill Steve built back in 2020, being a video and seeing his arm in the frame I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on it. My mind quickly went to whether or not clicking on the video would produce his voice that would ignite instant tears especially since a crashed frame did so early that day, and my emotions were already heightened. I clicked anyway, we watched the video, besides Steve's arm raising and lowering the grill from the wheel, no voice and no face, no tears. Mark suggested that we grill something on it soon which brought a whole other set of emotions tied to gratitude for him being in my life and God knowing exactly who and what I needed to move forward happy and help me replace joy that had diminished after his death. It blows my mind that I found someone who can help me celebrate and remember a man that was a huge part of my life and he never even met! That is love right there. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy and finding joy. I think that is natural to feel that way, but also okay to be happy. I am still here, Steve is not.  

I watched the series this past week called The Madison, with Michelle Pfeiffer (I love her by the way). I admire her characters for the Classic, Beautiful, Strong and Determined roles she plays.  Delving in I didn't really know what to expect, but the tears did come. I know it is just a show. But I would say it came at the right time with all the said above. Something I connected to and pulled at my heart strings enough to resonate with. Without giving away the whole series her husband dies, she looks to discover who she is without him, and what he loved that she never took the opportunity to enjoy with him. Another character in the show lost his wife and looks to find love with Michelle's character's daughter. In one scene he says "we don't need to compare anything, it isn't fair" and the daughter replies back "that part of your heart that she has she can keep." Taylor Sheridan sure knew how to develop these characters to not only come together to make the show work, but tell a story that is relatable in real life. 

So, yes, it is natural for me to still love Steve in the way that consumed 23 years of my life that would still be lived in if he was here. But he is not. So I need to allow myself to feel love for and to feel loved by someone without comparison in the NOW who occupies a different piece of my heart with everything I want and need in this moment in time, and without guilt. 

Things I am learning to practice

You don't have to take on every person, project or opportunity that comes your way

It is okay to say NO to protect your peace you are not responsible for other people's happiness

You can not give 100% to many different things at once, prioritize for YOU even if you think someone else might be disappointed

You can love something/one  new without stopping loving something/one old

Choose the people who can grow and learn with you and let go of those who hold you back or don't support you

Happiness and Joy are a choice and something you have to choose everyday no one thing or person can give you these things, you have to create and accept them 

Until next time... choose joy over the rest.

Blowing Out the Candles on Control

Yesterday morning didn't prove to get off to a great start. I put a lot of time and energy and money into something over the past year that did not prove to be successful and I needed to own the fact that I did my best even if there was no reward at the end of the term, but maybe there was? I often try to reflect on what I did learn, gain, or benefit from the experience, no matter how little it may have been. Little doesn't not mean it wasn't some significant benefit. I don't feel like anything we actually go through is a total waste of time. Our mindset makes it one, alter your mindset, change your life. It is all about perspective. 

This weekend we celebrated Steve's best friend's 50th birthday. A couple months ago he and his wife reached out to me with their plan and wanted to run it by Paxton and I and get our blessing to include Steve in the celebration! Their birthdays are a week apart. 20 years ago I flew him in from the East Coast where he was living at the time to surprise Steve for their 30th birthdays and we went and celebrated at San Tan Flat. Fast forward to now and we came full circle, just without Steve. Pax did a good job of blowing out his dad's candles because I know if he were still here those boys would have had a grand old time with him as well. Maybe a little older, maybe a little less energy, but wiser and more grateful for the chance to celebrate all that they have accomplished in the last 20 years and ultimately 50 for those of those who make it!  Like I said in my last blog, Steve is frozen for me at age 45. Neither he nor I will ever see his 50! But I felt a great sense of his presence there with his approval. I would tell you but it is hard to describe. Just trust me, He was there. 

No matter what life throws at me, I  am an upbeat hope filled women who trusts my hopes not my fears. I trust God has a plan for my life and He will make that plan known for me and use my skills and strengths that his has given me to serve my people. We as humans need to give up he illusion that we deserve a problem- free life. Part of us is always striving for a resolution to all difficulties. We are relying on a false sense of hope when we live in a world of trouble or turmoil. In church on Sunday the Pastor talked about how we often have the misconception about controlling a situation that is not ours to control and the more that we do that instead of trusting God the more you fall out of control and turn to things of this world to make it "right" instead of trusting that God is in control and allowing Him to guide you. We are all guilty of it, no matter what our pleasure. Whether it be drinking, drugs, food, retail therapy, gambling, or even worry and anxiety... etc. Nothing replaces His presence in your life. 

I want my son to grow up knowing that life is not without difficulties but we can still find hope, gratitude and peace despite them. The more I am able to turn to Him and let the disappointment of what I thought something should look like or the way it should turn out the more I can feel the joy around me and create a peace in knowing that someone above me has got this! We can question all day long but we have to trust there is a reason, even if we don't see it. I want Paxton to be able to control his mind to do this as well, it will surely enrich his life experiences. Whether you are encountering a difficulty at work, in a relationship, a death you didn't understand or expect, a why me moment... there is a God who has a perfect design already figured out we are living, there is divine timing that no matter how much control or exercise we force on a situation it isn't going to change what is. 

I wake up every morning asking God to give me the people who need my help the most, and maybe ultimately I don't get them to their end result but I trust that there is a reason we cross paths and something I did along the way will get them there. Sometimes you are there to teach them a lesson and sometimes they are to you. No matter what no experience I have encountered so far whether good nor bad hasn't somehow helped shape me for my purpose here, or my pathway to Heaven. You just have to Trust it.  

I pray today that you can Give it to God and live this life with your purpose, be mindful of your choices and decisions but also trust. Too many factors, people, and your environment affect your situation so no matter whether you trust or believe in God's plans you will never be able to fully control anything. So stop trying. I am not saying give up, or don't make good decisions,  just don't give yourself the power to control everything, you can't. When something doesn't go your way, reflect on your experience and lean into what did go right, or what you learned from it. Take a deep breath, rest in your takeaway and use it on your journey going forward. 

Consistency in Everything is KEY. God wants us to want Him. And when we realize that it's Him we want we become free. Longings, loneliness, and emptiness can not be fully satisfied by anyone of this world. Only Him. Seek Him first in all you do. Your life will change. Even if you have to chose it over again everyday. 

As the sunrise changes every morning, I may not know what the day brings, but I know who brings the day! 

Forever 45

 

On this Eve of Steve's Big 50th and my mom's 78th birthday Day I am struggling! Always 45 and 66 they will be frozen in my head. The last week has been weird since the 8th when it has now been 11 years without my mama! 11 years!  I don't know where the time went to be honest. I still have some part of my day where I am itching to ask her opinion about something almost daily! Paxton and I have had some serious moments recently, I have cried over things that I have no business crying over either. But hell, grief is just love with no where to go, no matter how you try to redirect it, sometimes it just boils to the point of explosion and things seem more messed up. Emotions fly, attitudes falter, feelings get hurt and I find myself not only more sensitive to situations but also tip-toeing around others not to disturb the peace so to speak! Man it is tough to try to keep everything flowing sometimes. I wished I could stop and pause and resume after the week is done.  Somedays I wished that I didn't have as much emotion about things as I do and other days I am grateful that I feel so deeply because it makes me a more empathetic person who loves with all I got! If you are in the path of that love no matter what our relationship, it is my focus to want to make everyone feel safe and special because of it. But on the flip side, it can be exhausting. 

Paxton seems to be straining over the past week making decisions on what to do. In the past we have celebrated Steve and my mom's birthdays with dinner, asking family members or friends to join us sometimes. This year we have no plans and every time I have brought it up or asked him what he would like to do, where he would like to go or who he wanted to invite I get nothing. And I hate to push but I also like to plan. His indecisiveness was a huge indicator to me that he was struggling internally with something. So then I internally played all the scenarios that I would suspect. Maybe he is afraid that in telling me I would think differently or judge him in some way. I know that is often what crosses my mind when I am struggling with what I am feeling.

I also know that I often try to hide my emotions or how I am feeling it makes it worse, maybe I am afraid of what someone will think of what is happening in my head. I want to protect others from what is going on inside my head sometimes other times I am so vulnerable and I can spill it all and with that often comes tears and doubt. So the thoughts fly and the tears fall usually more on my own time. I want him to know he is safe to tell me how he feels. Teaching him how to communicate now will only strengthen his relationships in the future. 

I just told a client a few days ago that we do not talk to anyone as much as we talk to ourselves and we are our own worst critic as well as we tend to get stuck in our head verses turning to God for peace, or relief from what we are going through after she mentioned that she wished she would have given her concerns to God instead of listening to her head about the home she is trying to sell. I couldn't agree more. Today a client took me to lunch to catch up and pick my brain about his home and before we ate he asked if he could pray over us, I agreed and he grabbed my hand and prayed. It was a gentle reminder that no matter where you are or what you are doing God is always there listening and taking a few minutes to call upon him for guidance, comfort, care, support and gratitude can really change the trajectory of our day or reset any spiraling that may be occurring as we move forward with our day. 

Tonight I told Paxton that it is okay to feel the way he is feeling, to be uncertain about what he wants to do and also to break tradition. Just because for the last how many years we went out to eat doesn't mean, his dad or my mom would think any less if we chose to do something else. If he came home from school tomorrow and decided to grab his friends and do something, I nor any one else is going to judge him for switching it up. We all grow, we all change and while traditions are great in the traditional sense of the word(haha) we are not stuck in them nor should we be if they don't fit our feelings, or situation anymore or even on occasion, doesn't mean next year it can't go back to the way it was or change again. I didn't really still get a definite answer, but I saw in his expression and felt a sense of relief that he doesn't have to decide what he wants to do until he knows what he wants to do and maybe that is tomorrow at 9 am,  2 pm or 6pm. Would that normally drive me nuts to not have a plan and be on hold waiting, probably, but some days of the year there are exceptions to my madness. 

Sometimes I just want someone to step in take over and tell me life is going to be alright, everything is okay, you got this, you will survive, you are raising a great kid, you are making good decisions, you are a great mom, you are not crazy or alone and it is okay to feel the way that you do. But why am I waiting for someone to affirm these things for me? Why do I need this validation from the world. God can handle that. The popular saying is Give it to God and Go to Sleep like the sign above my bed, but why can't we do that during the day when we find our thoughts drifting to sadness or negativity, stress, anxiety or anything similar. Stop, collect our thoughts, take a few deep breaths, pause in the moment, pray over ourself or our situation, give it to God and move on with our day. Find relief, even if it is temporary until the next time we need to reset. Take as many times as you need and trust that God has got you! 

When I first heard this song, I thought how beautiful! A relationship where the couple has each others back and can carry the weight of the world for the other in times of need. Listening to the lyrics today while working I thought this is exactly what God provides for us, we just need to reach out and give our burdens to Him. 

Weight of Your World (Johan Fransson, Tim Mikael Larsson, Tobias Lundgren,Chris Stapleton)

I want you to know wherever your road wants to go

I'll never be far, I'll always be right where you are

If you lose your way, your hope is gone 

I'll be the light that leads you home

Give me your darkest hour

Give me your deepest fear

Just give me a call and I'll be here

Give me the bars and chains that won't set you free

Give me the weight of your world

And lay it on me

There will come a time

When all the words don't seem to rhyme

Please lean on me until you find the harmony

When it is hard to breathe

When the right seems wrong

I'll be the hand that helps you along

Wherever you go, wherever you've been

Anytime you need a friend

Sincerely, God

Psalm 27

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?