Listen to Understand

Disclaimer: This is my POV, my experience. I am not an expert on this subject or any subject for that matter and I am not giving any advice on anyone else’s situation or experiences. I just write from my experience and my heart.

 In the 2 + years since Steve has passed, I had one of the lowest, toughest, and proudest weeks thus far a couple weeks ago.  So, in my mind everything I have been through I somehow feel like I deserve a child who has no issues, is completely respectful of me and bends over backwards to help his mom out. Like seriously something that comes easy for me. Single-mom-hood over here, 3 businesses trying to branch out into another, doing everything I can to make his life flow as smoothly as possible while wanting to give him the world and show him that hard work pays off. Yes, that is me, accommodator, caregiver, caterer. I know it is a fault at times, but you can’t blame a girl for her big heart and overwhelming acts of compassion and kindness toward others.

Often in life we try to compensate for something we have lost, and at times it is appropriate and other times it might just overwhelm us more than it should by trying so hard to please everyone else. I started out a compassionate nurturer, dealing with Steve dying didn’t help how much more compassionate I got… pushover to say the least. Kids are resilient yes, but currently how many of us have heard of kids threatening themselves to get attention or to manipulate what they want? Controlling, button pushing, stretching for things to go their way. This is a sensitive subject, yes, a lot of people are afraid to discuss it. Why? Because do any of us know 100% what any kid is capable of or what is going on in their head, absolutely not! So, we error on the side of caution so that we can’t blame ourselves or someone else blames us if we are wrong or if a kid does do something extreme and we didn’t act.  Mental health issues have taken over the last decade or so. Blame it on the environment, GMO’s, latch key kids, social media or whatever you want, but it is a problem and kids see other kids threaten and get their way, and they also experience the other extreme where kids are so far depressed that they take life into their own hands. I would say statistically the kids who verbalize these threats are not usually the ones who commit the act, the silent ones do. Either way it isn’t pretty or good for our youth to experience any of these situations at the rate that they happen now or even have to toss these ideas in their head or express them out loud.

Why am I bringing this up, why am I pulling you into my drama? Because I haven’t held back much the last two years. It is so good for people to understand they are not alone. Every kid is unique, however we can all learn a little from each other how to deal with the fear of one of our own committing suicide.

So I have been anxious the last few weeks up to this point 2 weeks ago, I had to have an MRI. A little over a month ago I had a routine breast scan and thankful that no cancer was found but they thought that maybe one of my implants was ruptured. After weighing the options, I decided to schedule the MRI to gather more information before going under the knife again! If there is no issue, I don’t need unnecessary surgery. There is a lot more involved in this but just for length purposes, I took this step first. My kid knew that the day of the MRI was sensitive for me. Why, because even though I am a firm believer in not worrying until you have something to worry about, it still weighs on your mind because it is the unknown. So, when the phone rang that morning and the other end said, hi this is the principal at Paxton’s school, my heart sank. In a brief second before she explained the reason for the call my brain scanned about 100 possibilities, NO JOKE. She said I have Paxton in my office, he says you are aware, but he is failing 3 classes at this time. Saving you the details, we discussed his recent ADHD diagnosis, his inability to start taking the medicine he was prescribed until he was cleared by a pediatric cardiologist and the fact that we couldn’t get into one until December 19^th. I have fought this for a while because I am not a traditional medicine person, I am all about all natural methods, but sometimes it is just too much, and I need to try something else for his and my sake. He can’t stay focused in school or at home unless it is something he is interested in and sometimes even then he checks out and spaces it. I need something over here, it can be straining.

Single parents… I am telling you now, feeling guilty about your situation whether it is due to death or divorce or just plain lack of involvement… try your best not to let your kid run the show, because you feel guilty. I am not sure if my kid even knows the definition of manipulative, but he has mastered it… It is so hard; I am telling you first hand. Kids are resilient but they also learn how to push our buttons and I have been aware of this for two years and just continue to think the situation will get better, he will grow out of it and things will fall into place. He starts to things correct, and then falls back into a guilting me routine. That is not how I want him to learn, grow and become an adult. It is in my hands to take control and do it now.

Recently he has been tough, he has been a handful, pushing my buttons every which way.  His age, his environment, losing his dad… it is a combo of everything. What vital years I am facing without Steve by my side to be that sounding board, that second voice, that I was once a 14-year-old teenage boy who wanted to do almost anything else but be at school. I cannot relate! Who says they hate their life, would be better off dead and wished they were with their dad… this is the third time in 2+ years he has said this, and it is too much for me to react to. it breaks my heart! If I know my kid like I do it is a manipulation tactic because he didn’t want to stay for tutoring after school, failing isn’t his fault, he has ADHD, he has a learning disability whatever excuse he can have to not take ownership. In no way do I want him to learn to blame failure or lack of trying on his circumstances. I know he is not me, but I think to myself look how far I got! Learning by example doesn’t seem to sink in with him. I want to believe that he would never act upon his words, he is afraid of the dark per se. However, there is always that part of you that has no idea if he would be capable of it and isn’t about to want to find out.

He pressed me all day long to come get him, he was having a bad day, he needed to be rescued , why would I do this to him, why wouldn’t I help him, he missed dad, I was a jerk, I was annoying, I didn’t care about him. After multiple conversations with Mark (who by the way was a 14 year old boy once and gives me a different perspective as to the inside of one and how to approach sensitive subjects and for that I am extremely grateful) , my sister-in-law (who raised two teenage daughters),  my dinner guest Lori (who often thinks outside the box) and his counselor (who is schooled in these situations and also was a teenage boy once too) , I decided it was best for him to stay at school, go to tutoring, and ride the after-school activities bus home. My dinner plans at the house with friends were cancelled, Lori agreed this took precedence and coming would give him an excuse to prolong facing what transpired early in the day. I had to threaten to take him to the 24/7 suicide clinic if he rode the regular bus home. He got nasty and I stayed firm. When he finally arrived home close to 7:00 (way too long to be on a bus but plenty of time for him to think) there were lots and lots of tears, I stayed calm in my voice, many, many things were said between us, but I think we had a huge breakthrough, communicating feelings is hard but necessary to move forward and grow in any type of relationship, be honest with your feelings, share them before they consume you. He admitted that he is always sad, he can’t seem to find happiness and when he does, he feels guilty about it. He did tell me he could never imagine taking his life, he just couldn’t do it, but that doesn’t mean these thoughts don’t occasionally enter his mind! Believe me I had said things out of haste as well, I am sure most of us have.

What I can fathom in my 44-year-old brain regarding moving forward and the difference between that and moving on…knowing that Steve isn’t coming back, is much different than what his 14-year-old in the moment how can I possibly see 10 years from now and know everything is going to turn out ok mind?!  We are still here, and his dad wouldn’t want us to be miserable, in fact if he could talk down from Heaven to us, I think he would be most proud of us getting up every day enjoying what journey we have left and finding happiness in the little and big things and fulfilling our purpose. No one is judging us for being happy (and if they are screw them) we shouldn’t judge ourselves either!  Guilt is a horrible thing. It robs you of so many pleasures, peace, and harmony.

I have spent the last several months building up to standing firm with him way more in a lot of situations! Do I have more practice ahead of me to ensure that I don’t fall back into the guilt-ridden trap of his button pushing, you betcha! Do I have some of the best support system amongst my family and friends 100% I do! Do I have to understand that I am not raising a perfect kid? I do, but I know deep down that all of the experiences we face, we will face together and it will make me a better mom, person, friend and companion and it will make him a stronger, wiser, more compassionate and contributing adult and fingers crossed an amazing husband to some deserving girl someday, and I can’t wait to see where he goes with life but I am pretty confident he will do great things.

Now that he gets up in the morning and rides the bus to school and I no longer tuck him into bed at night, we very often don’t pray or say what we are thankful for like we used to. The habit has been broken and consistency is lacking. I have a routine in the morning and at night by myself and we will say grace before dinner most nights when we eat together but it makes a difference when we purposely share God in our day with one another. I have made it a point in the last few weeks to reintroduce this habit. Thanking God for what we have and the things that we are thankful for just helps us recognize that the things that we are blessed with far outweigh the things that don’t. 3 things a day isn’t too much to ask. A good exercise to start doing is to take 10 minutes and just write down on a blank paper all the things you are grateful for from the smallest things that come to mind on up. Concentrating on the things that you are grateful for rather than your life’s perceived deficiencies will train your brain to expect more things to be thankful for. You will be surprised how full that paper really gets when you do this exercise. I have been keeping a journal of what we say to each other every night to look back and read all the things at the end of a week to reflect on all the goodness surrounding us despite the hard times, sadness, or setbacks.

Example from last night

Paxton: That I have good hair (he really does I am jealous), that we got to go to the extreme bulls, that I got a cool new hat.

Me: For him, that he helped me get down all my Christmas decorations, and for our friends.

Update on MRI: I have what is called an intracapsular rupture. Silicon is not freely leaking into my body; no emergency action is needed but I will take the necessary measures to prevent that from happening in the future. Not really what I wanted to hear but I am extremely thankful that it isn’t something worse.

Update on Paxton: He is currently passing all his classes, and we got his cardiologist appointment for clearance moved up to November 30^th.

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 from your cell or 988lifeline.org 

What was he thinking, saying goodbye, and new beginnings

 

Being newly into the mobile bar business I am still learning what works and what doesn’t. I have thus far been able to look at my events as learning, growing, and advertising experiences so that hopefully I can reach the level of profitable experiences in the new future. Adjusting and tweaking comes along with the territory of any new business adventure you take part in. The journey is key to success. I have decided that looking at the positive aspects rather than the negative ones helps me focus on growth, change and knowing what I am capable of as well as my worth. I think you can apply this to any business endeavor that you start and manage. This weekend was crazy busy with events Friday night and Saturday.. Back-to-back, lack of sleep, lots of preparation and clean up involved. Time frames that needed to be adjusted and anxieties about things running smoothly! Especially since one of the events was the largest I have done so far. An almost 200-person wedding. Without a clue as to what I was doing or getting myself into, I staffed it with four bartenders and two serving areas, and it ran smoothly and was so much fun! We may have run out of watermelon pucker for the candy shots by 7:00 and tequila by 8:30 (FYI, In the State of AZ I cannot supply the alcohol.) but we managed with what else the bridal party provided, and it worked out just fine until last call at 10:45. I saw this quote yesterday and it made me think of this and any other situation where my uncertainties start to reign over my confidence.  Your success is directly proportional to the number of times you say: “Fuck it, I’ll figure it out.”  So very true. Figure it out as you go. If you plan too much there are so many things that can get in the way that you cannot control so just be prepared to adjust, be willing to compromise and react appropriately, you are never going to get anywhere being afraid to move forward or standing still.

For those of you who follow my social media, you may have seen that I decided to sell Steve’s off-set Kansas Smoker, his baby of BBQ. This expensive contraption that he bought in 2015 is where all his best BBQ came from. He researched, practiced, and perfected his Brisket, my favorite and he did a hell of a good job with Ribs, he tested different rub methods, and we had a good apricot glaze down to a Science for those who liked a little sweet and sticky to their ribs. Hours and hours went into prep and cooking, early mornings, watching the temperature, feeding the fire, and perfecting his craft happened on my back patio right outside our bedroom door. I felt however it was time for someone else to enjoy the unit. I tried a couple times, but honestly not my hobby or my patience level. Don’t get me wrong I love to cook and bake, but smoking BBQ is not my forte nor do I want to learn. Paxton is years from discovering if it is his thing or not and the longer the smoker sits not being used the more it will become weathered and require much attention to get it to good use again. We kept the Artesian grill that Steve handmade, the one where the wheel controls the level of the grate and how close or far away it gets from the fire. He did an amazing job of craftsmanship, and this is something that I can use for burgers, hot dogs, fish, and other things when I want that real wood flavor added.

The guy I am dating took Paxton golfing on Sunday before the new owner of the smoker planned to show up to take it home. I have to laugh because that morning when he was getting ready, Paxton has only been golfing a few times and doesn’t own golf shoes, luckily Steve’s fit him, but all morning I listened to, What was dad thinking?! These shoes are so ugly! He had references regarding the style and made jokes about them for the rest of the day. He was cracking Mark and I up. Of course, I said you are going golfing at 8AM you might run into some old guys who think they are great, I promise no one is going to make fun of you.  I think Mark may have given him a hard time just slightly but that is what is building their connection. While they were gone, I diligently cleaned up the smoker as best I could, scrubbing grates and vacuuming out ashes. I was unable to open the firebox door, it was jammed, and I panicked just a little that the guy wouldn’t want it when he arrived. We messed around with it a some and when the guy showed up with his wife and 2 grown sons to purchase and take it with them, he was very understanding. They worked on the door and got it opened. I was relieved when he still wanted it and they wheeled the 1000+ pound smoker up their trailer ramp. I won’t say I didn’t have a churning stomach. I did great until they shut the trailer and started to strap it in, and the tears just welled up and rolled down my face without warning. A bittersweet piece of our past chapter is coming to an end. What I wouldn’t give was to open that bedroom door and see Steve sitting in a chair attentively watching and feeding a fire, anticipating the savory taste of his BBQ. Never again will I experience this and at that moment I realized that that chapter had closed. As I took a seat on our pony wall in the yard tears silently flowing from my eyes Mark came over to me and put his arms around me, kissed my forehead and rubbed my back. He knew what I needed when I needed it. Later, when we talked and I mentioned this, he said that it was a little weird given the circumstances, and he didn’t really know what I needed, he just thought it was the right thing to do.

I couldn’t tell you if he is godsent, heaven sent or Steve sent, maybe a combo of all three, but I am very appreciative of this man, not only in how he treats me, but in the relationship, he is building with Paxton, and I couldn’t feel more blessed at this time. I have no idea what our future holds, but just like I didn’t plan that Steve would be taken from us at such an early age, or in such a vital time of Paxton’s teenage years, I am along for the journey and will enjoy each day and what it has to offer us. I will always love Steve; I will always cherish our memories and the life we built to get us to where we are today. But enjoying the moment you are in is what it is all about. This my friends is living in the NOW, because no matter how far ahead we want, hope or think about our futures we have to understand that we do not have control over all the circumstances and taking ourselves away from the present moment, dwelling or living in the past, or worrying about the future takes away from our full focus and enjoyment on the moment, the day and the company in which we share it with.

I am used to cooking on the Traeger and ours has been giving me trouble for quite some time, it must be at least 12-15 years old and retiring this one and starting fresh seemed like a good choice for me, for my sanity and reducing my stress level of knowing that when I want to use it, it works every time. As the family pulled away with their new purchase, the Amazon truck pulled up with my new Traeger. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect if it was a Hallmark movie and that is when I knew that everything works out how it is supposed to WHEN it is suppose to. Divine Timing like my friend Lori says. Be present, be grateful for what you have, learn from your past, grow for the future, make the most out of any situation you are faced with. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to want what you can’t have at times but remember to focus on what is right in front of you, live in your moment and enjoy the journey you are living.