To Make Sense or Not Make Sense of What Don't Make Sense in This Life

 

The week of August 28-September 3rd gets me every year. Everything leading up to these life changing events has been one of the hardest things I  have had to re-live over and over. From moments, things I said, things I missed, things that happened, feelings I had... etc. These 2 events if you know are when my dad and husband passed away, 5 days in between years apart. Sometimes I am grateful that it is a double whammy for me because then I can concentrate on being happy most of the rest of the year. Both of these events were definitely beyond my control, but my brain still wonders what could have I done differently? What could they have done differently? What could the doctors or nurses or staff done differently? Is there something that went unsaid or undone that I could have done better? Did I give them enough support? Did they know that they were loved, and the questions in my head and the re-living of that time and the emotions I experienced are so real years later that I can't help but wish in a way I could get amnesia and just forget it. But honestly I couldn't because it has made me who I am today what I went through. Then I question why them? Why me? 

If I know the why would it change the circumstances? Would it somehow make me feel better about it or less upset that it happened? Would it reverse the events? Would it really acutally make me feel more at peace? Would knowing help me not to re-live it in my mind every single year? I think Lysa TerKeurst said best when she said: Knowing why something happened will never help if we wouldn't agree with the answer anyhow. Seeking answers is understandable, I want to know why too. But it's so much more comforting to invite God's peace to just fill in the gaps of all the unknowns.  It's when we decide to stop the relentless grasping for unanswerable questions that our hands are then free to take hold of what He has for us next. 

Most anyone that re-lives an event over and over... it's something that will never go away in your mind when I have that timeframe come up I remember a Chiropractor I once had told me that your body has a timeline similar to a belt, each event you expeirence puts a notch in that belt. Once you put a notch in a belt it never goes away, it isn't repaired to normal. In the belt of life we can't just buy a new one... those notches signify our occurances whether good or bad and they stay on that belt for your lifetime. Those feelings tend to come back year after year at the time the event occured for me. Sometimes we need to just let that notch come back around, rather than trying to skip over it or repair it, even though we know that is impossible! We can shed our tears, cleanse our body and move forward. Even if we have to do it over and over again. Accept the fact that it is part of life, the grieving process proof that LOVE transpired. However, you choosing to deal with grief isn't wrong, whatever feelings you are going through are REAL. No one else can probably understand, sympatize, or support you as much as God can. They can try, you can want them to replace the heartache, fill the gap, or erase or ease the bad memories, but ultimately He is the only one for you to turn to reset your peace. 

If you are going through grief multiple times over just remember there are no two right ways to do so. Every person handles things differently so there should be no judgement, no excuses and no wrong way to do so. Just remember to take care of yourself during your sadest moments... do something that makes you happy re-live the bad if you must and take in the best memories as well. Find support in the people that are close to you and show up, and forgive those who don't show up like you think they should because ultimately no one can show up for you like God can. We should try not to put expectations on someone else to make us feel better, because even if they try they may not succeed. Just ask everyone around you for grace and understanding during your reset. This too shall pass like my mom always said. Get through your feelings and you will come out stronger on the other side. Don't forget if you are still here, you still have a purpose, your expiration date has not arrived even thought we don't know when that is. We still have something to do, something to contribute and people to love and leave our mark. Lean on God to fill the gaps of the unknown and as I always stress- Feel free to endulge your feelings but don't stay in them for too long, you will miss out on all the good things meant for you in this lifetime. You became who you needed to become in order to survive. Now it's time to become who you need to become in order to thrive. You don't always need to know what comes next. Sometimes you need to just be where you are and know it is okay to be there.

Anne Wilson- Seventh of June (excerpt)

My friends, they know I won't pick up if they call me                                  One day a year And that one day is here

My tears just like a summer rain are falling
It's just what they do
When I start missing you
Why'd you have to go? Why'd I have to stay?
When's it gonna get easier to make it through the day?
I go out walking, I ain't much for talking
Just thinking and crying, and praying and trying
To make sense of what don't make sense in this life
Like, "Why you're up there and not here by my side?"
They say it's gonna get easier, and I wanna believe that's true
It's just harder on the seventh of June
I've been singing songs ever since the day you left me
Crazy how my life has changed
Every night, a different stage
And sometimes it feels like you and God are watching
Are you looking down on me?
I wonder if you're proud of me... 

Dream BIG Smile On.

 

Growing up, I always thought my mom had a really pretty smile. And then over the years I know that she got self-conscious with her teeth and just shifting from life and stress she was a smoker for many years and I know that probably didn't help and I'm sure she grinded them at night and I don't think she ever wanted to take the time to have them fixed or spend the money. Probably more like she didn't want to spend the money. She was very frugal. She was one of those that wouldn't even buy a sweater if it wasn't on sale, loved thrift shopping, and when she liked certain outfit, she wore it out.  I argued with her all the time that she just needed to enjoy life and spend money on herself, especially after my dad died. I know she struggled to stay afloat, but then later on when she was doing well she still had a hard time spending money, but she would spend it on us just not herself! For her, she just didn't do that. She was a very giving caring person and often I know she put herself last, even though she was stubborn and set in her ways and opinions. You either loved her and got along well with her or you didn't.  She wasn't as much of a people pleaser as I was. And as much as I mimic a lot of the same qualities as her, I know that if I want to live a long life, I also have to invest time energy and care into myself. That's the number one way to be able to have enough to give everyone else.  Even though I was hesitant at first to spend that money on myself when I had plenty of other things I could do with it. I knew If I was  constantly depleting my own resources of support, it's really hard to support others or be their biggest cheerleader when your stability is in question. This time of year is hard for me with that. I have that period of time between when Steve got sick recalling when my dad got sick and passed away and then Steve died all bundled and shoved into a month's time. There are a lot of significant dates in my life, but for some reason that period of time is the most pronounced in my mind. 5 years later that combo still hits hard. No one is really going to take care of me as properly as I can take care of me during this time. 

Nine months ago, I decided that after 20+ years of not having braces, I wasn't happy with the way my teeth were moving (after an accidental case of washing my retainer and drying it after a camping trip - it melted and I was without wearing it for nine months). I didn't want to be like my mom where I got to the point that I didn't want to smile with my mouth open. I've been told I have a nice smile, and and I want to be able to be happy enough and comfortable enough in my own skin that I can show that off and bring a little bit of cheer and happiness to others.  

They say the best curve on a woman's body is their smile  and I wanted to continue to make that true for me and radiate that energy to others. 

Yesterday marked nine months of aligners to get my teeth- not perfect because nothing is perfect, but in a fashion that I won't be afraid intimidated or worried about how my teeth look when I smile and then shy away from doing it. RBF doesn't look good on me. 

I was able to get all my brackets off and have relatively straight teeth and a nice bite in my mouth where my jaw comes together more evenly. 

  Here is to taking care of myself and many years to come of smiles and gratitude for where life has taken me despite all the crap that it has thrown at me. I want to continue to be a light to others and fulfill whatever purpose God has given me in this life. 

Cheers to all of you that are hesitating on doing something to take care of yourself because you're afraid it isn't necessary you don't want to spend the money, or you think it's frivolous. I hope you get a little nudge too. Get the massage, take the trip, buy the earrings occasionally eat at that expensive restaurant! I say do what makes you happy because only you can create that environment for yourself! I will continue to wear my smile as if it's my signature! 

Dream Big, Smile On! 

Thanks "Papa Tom"

I am going to be really vulnerable here for a second. I apologize to anyone who I said I would show up for but I didn't at the last minute for your family members funeral. The last four or five funerals that I wanted to attend (honestly, not sure anyone wants to attend a funeral, but you know what I mean), so the last few that I planned on attending, I would wake up that morning with such high anxiety that I just couldn't do it. I have always prided myself on being that one who is there for everyone, supportive, caring and kind... I can harbor my feelings or bury my sadness and make it through a couple hours, or so I thought! I think after Steve died I had a phobia of funerals if that is even such a thing! But I think there is probably a phobia of anything someone is scared of or something feared. Don't get me wrong, I have been to a few that I absolutely had to go to, mother-in-law, uncle etc, and I am pretty sure I was numb at the time but the ones that I would normally attend family of friends to support a child, sibling or otherwise, I haven't been able to follow through. 

Yesterday I woke up and decided I needed to stop that, be a big girl, face my fears and be there for my friends! Because ultimately, it isn't about me, but I needed to calm the voices in my head and rearrange my motivation a little. Did my stomach hurt? Absolutely! Once I was there, I was actually fine, mission accomplished! 

I attended a funeral for a dear sweet man that I have known for 25 years. He made it all the way to a few weeks shy of 96 years old! I love this! So inspiring. That is such an accomplishment. And as sad as it was to go and see his family grieve, though the tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn't help but have a smile on my face as they recalled all the good times, the beautiful memories, the lessons learned, the quirky ways that he had and the things that he experienced and lived through, not to mention the legacy he has left behind including great-great-grandchildren. They may not remember him physically but I am certain they will be influenced by his memories. Wow, what an accomplishment, what a wonderful testimony to life, love and God's wonderful plan for him. He was stubborn but kind, ornery but would give anything to help others. His time was well spent, his family benefited for all the extra time some people don't have with their loved ones and his story isn't over, it is just beginning in those who were touched by him in some way to carry out that legacy and continue to sprinkle their learned pieces of him in the interactions they have, the family they create and the happiness they spread for years to come. 

I know when I can turn a fear into a silver-lining, and celebrate someone for all that they were even though they were lost physically, their imprint leaves such a lasting impression on the lives he impacted, and through them, on the lives they will impact in turn. 

Rest in peace Tom and enjoy your beloved Betty I am certain she greeted you with open arms and is so proud of you for waiting so long to join her because your impact was not quite yet accomplished here on Earth. 

For those that go before us, I do hope that they will show us around when we get there. What a great thing to look forward to.

I heard you got a brand new place
Feels like at least a million miles away
I hope I get to meet you there someday
And we'll pick back up like no time passed
Yeah, I pray it happens like that

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around

I heard that there's no growing old
And now you only walk down streets of gold
I've only read about what you've seen, what you know
And I'm still here missin' you
Oh, I wonder what you're gettin' into

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around

I hate how much that losin' you hurts (how much that losin' you hurts)
I hope you know you left your mark on this world
And I swear that I'd give anything on this Earth
To see your face
But for now, I'll wait

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around
And show me around

I heard you got a brand new place

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Benjamin West / Carly Pearce / Emily Shackelton

Show Me Around lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Warner Chappell Music, 

Fires of Freedom

I haven't written in awhile. Things have been busy, hectic, nerve raking, and heavy at times but also so much good! My summer was amazing and I can't wait to tell you all about it! But for now weighing heavy on my mind is just what I need to release myself of. 

I feel I am once again finding myself in that space leading up to between the time when my father died 33 years ago and Steve died 5 years ago. The PTSD is real you guys. My body just knows the trauma that I went through. And no matter how much I try to pull my head around it and be grateful for what I have right now at this point in my life, my mind still races.  My mind goes back to all the things that I went through at those two significant points in my life. All the memories,  good and bad thoughts, moments of doubt and trust and "what ifs" that engulfed me. You know what, it is OK! We can't always force ourselves to be happy, find joy or be at peace with what we encountered, but like I always say we also can't stay in those feelings long term. It should only be temporary. That is how we wrap our head around grief that is how we know that we loved and we were loved by them. Grief is love with no where to go and sometimes it winds itself up so tight you feel like you can explode. Sometimes that burst is just what you need to feel a certain amount of freedom and relief. Thank God for the loving and understanding people surrounding you when that explosion occurs! They are the true gems in life holding you up when you want to bury yourself in sorrow. No matter the loss you have experienced, death, divorce, trauma. I think we can all relate. 

Thursday night I was feeling nostalgic and began reading through some of the comments from people when I was posting on a dedicated page on Facebook that a friend of mine created for us around the time that Steve was in the hospital. I came across one of the songs I posted. The one that night that really stood out was "Fires" by Jordan St. Cyr. Yesterday I was on my way to pick up Dixie to go look at an off-grid property that we are getting ready to list and that same song popped on the radio in my car. Instead of crying listening to it like the night before, I smiled to myself. That was my sign that no matter the fire we have to walk through at times, God's mercy and love surround us. Being a Christian doesn't mean that we never have to encounter issues, problems, trauma or grief in this life. It just means we have someone there to carry us through it. 

This may be my shortest blog I have ever written. But I think my purpose is back and there will be more to come as I sift through all the thoughts in my head. 

Excerpt from Fires

I remember how you told me

that life may not be easy

and everything that I need

you've already given me

I remember how you told me

I can trust you completely

so why am I doubting

when you proved that you'd fight for me

You have walked me through fires

pulled me from flames... 

If you are in this with me I won't be afraid.

.. I'm changed by your mercy, covered by your peace

Glass, Grills, Gardening, and Guilt

Sometimes it takes some reorganizing in life and in your mind in order to get where you are intended to be. I have been doing a lot of weeding in my yard, garden, orchards, and flower beds lately. Those wonderful late winter rains we had and then high temperatures have brought them fast, furious and anchored. They are unwanted, unnecessary and sometimes a bitch to get rid of. Last weekend I spent two partial days weeding and still wasn't free of their roots. 

Work has been super busy lately! Good busy, crazy busy, negative busy, and not necessary busy but stuff that needs to be addressed nonetheless. I used to think that every "opportunity" that came my way was something I needed to attend to,  take on, or solve a problem for someone else. Not everything that comes my way is meant for me. This is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, doors open that you should leave that way, some need to be closed half-way, others shut completely and some need to be slammed before they even make it fully opened so you are not doing damage control later on. Just like the weeds the more you take on at once, the more you feel you need to fix other peoples problems or save them from something the more embedded those weeds become and are hard to get rid of once relationships form no matter how toxic. 

Clients for me seem to be the hardest. I pray that God brings me the people that need my help the most, but lately I have been thinking my prayers need a different direction.  I am not meant to help everyone that crosses my path, maybe I my learning: experience is saying no before I let it break me. Too often what I feel is me serving God by helping someone else is actually stealing my joy and not from God. I have worked so hard to create a peace about me and to find joy in everyday since Steve died. I need to protect that and weed out as many things as I can that threaten it.  Just a few days ago l let a potential client know that I wasn't the right match for her to meet or fulfill her expectations and needs without being blunt enough to say she wasn't the right match for me and I foresaw her draining all of my energy and joy. ( I don't want to burn bridges.) My franchise has created opportunities for me that I never dreamed of but with that comes some unwanted connections and things that need to be sifted through to weed out what doesn't bring me peace, profit or potential. 

I was making a cup of coffee the other day in my kitchen just mentally going through all the days tasks, to-do list, and what to prioritize. One of them being the weed take over that I now NEEDED to tackle verses wanted to tackle in my acre plus yard. I am sure Steve is looking down fretting over how bad we let it get, but guess what? Even though he would have never let it get this bad, he also isn't here to help, he left it on my plate and all of everything I deal with daily on my own doesn't allow me to be able to tend to or give everything the same level of attention we once did tackling things times the power of 2. I have Paxton but also he has responsibilities and hobbies that take precedence as well. Obviously I cannot take care of everything at once and some things are needier than others especially when it comes to my business and what is putting food on my table verses my outdoor view. Although Steve created an outdoor space for me that I thank God for everyday and do strive to keep it looking its best to enjoy it. You should feel peace in your own space.  

I tend to take other's emotions and needs upon myself, trying to satisfy their expectations, find solutions to problems, and make them happy. I want those that I serve to feel the excellent service that I provide and send me referrals because of the job I did! I want to be that go-to person for all your real estate needs and  I have strived for 25 years to go above and beyond and leave my mark, to be the great, knowledgeable  expert in my field that everyone thinks of when they are ready to buy and sell. It is natural to want to be remembered in that way, if you didn't you are probably in the wrong profession. I want to be helpful, encouraging, and the person who contributes to you having a smooth experience, despite all the stress a sale or purchase can bring! It can be a lot and if I can make it that much easier, simpler, or convenient for you I am going to try my best. Sometimes this especially when you have 15 listings, 8 things in escrow and about 10 other up and coming possibilities your mind can spin like a whirlwind and seem extra heavy. Organizing all that can be overwhelming but the potential of it all can be satisfying. 

Paxton came out of his teen room to talk to me and when he went back into it the door shut in such a way that I heard a crash in the hall, I went over and saw the picture frame from one of the hall shelves came crashing to the floor, but not just any picture frame, Steve and I's pewter anniversary frame that I had one of my favorite photos of us in, it was laying on the floor, glass all around popped out of the frame with another picture behind, not sure if you guys do this but when I switch out photos I don't always take out the last one, just put a new one over it. lol. It was a black and white photo from  I don't even recall when, we look like babies... lol. The flood gates opened and the tears immediately fell from my eyes. definitely not what  I expected. I mean it was glass, the frame was fine, photos were fine, but where I was in my mind at that moment it just hit a little different. Paxton came out looked at me grabbed a broom and cleaned it up. I was grateful that he silently just took care of it rather than asking me "why' I was crying, telling me not to cry or wait until I cleaned it up.  I felt like the whole day through a few emotional instances that came my way but I did get through it. Still here and writing about it! HA!

Later on that night I was at Mark's house I told him earlier about the frame. He was extra sensitive to my needs and I love that about him. As we sat on the couch after dinner I scrolled through Facebook and a memory video popped up of the Artisan grill Steve built back in 2020, being a video and seeing his arm in the frame I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on it. My mind quickly went to whether or not clicking on the video would produce his voice that would ignite instant tears especially since a crashed frame did so early that day, and my emotions were already heightened. I clicked anyway, we watched the video, besides Steve's arm raising and lowering the grill from the wheel, no voice and no face, no tears. Mark suggested that we grill something on it soon which brought a whole other set of emotions tied to gratitude for him being in my life and God knowing exactly who and what I needed to move forward happy and help me replace joy that had diminished after his death. It blows my mind that I found someone who can help me celebrate and remember a man that was a huge part of my life and he never even met! That is love right there. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy and finding joy. I think that is natural to feel that way, but also okay to be happy. I am still here, Steve is not.  

I watched the series this past week called The Madison, with Michelle Pfeiffer (I love her by the way). I admire her characters for the Classic, Beautiful, Strong and Determined roles she plays.  Delving in I didn't really know what to expect, but the tears did come. I know it is just a show. But I would say it came at the right time with all the said above. Something I connected to and pulled at my heart strings enough to resonate with. Without giving away the whole series her husband dies, she looks to discover who she is without him, and what he loved that she never took the opportunity to enjoy with him. Another character in the show lost his wife and looks to find love with Michelle's character's daughter. In one scene he says "we don't need to compare anything, it isn't fair" and the daughter replies back "that part of your heart that she has she can keep." Taylor Sheridan sure knew how to develop these characters to not only come together to make the show work, but tell a story that is relatable in real life. 

So, yes, it is natural for me to still love Steve in the way that consumed 23 years of my life that would still be lived in if he was here. But he is not. So I need to allow myself to feel love for and to feel loved by someone without comparison in the NOW who occupies a different piece of my heart with everything I want and need in this moment in time, and without guilt. 

Things I am learning to practice

You don't have to take on every person, project or opportunity that comes your way

It is okay to say NO to protect your peace you are not responsible for other people's happiness

You can not give 100% to many different things at once, prioritize for YOU even if you think someone else might be disappointed

You can love something/one  new without stopping loving something/one old

Choose the people who can grow and learn with you and let go of those who hold you back or don't support you

Happiness and Joy are a choice and something you have to choose everyday no one thing or person can give you these things, you have to create and accept them 

Until next time... choose joy over the rest.

Blowing Out the Candles on Control

Yesterday morning didn't prove to get off to a great start. I put a lot of time and energy and money into something over the past year that did not prove to be successful and I needed to own the fact that I did my best even if there was no reward at the end of the term, but maybe there was? I often try to reflect on what I did learn, gain, or benefit from the experience, no matter how little it may have been. Little doesn't not mean it wasn't some significant benefit. I don't feel like anything we actually go through is a total waste of time. Our mindset makes it one, alter your mindset, change your life. It is all about perspective. 

This weekend we celebrated Steve's best friend's 50th birthday. A couple months ago he and his wife reached out to me with their plan and wanted to run it by Paxton and I and get our blessing to include Steve in the celebration! Their birthdays are a week apart. 20 years ago I flew him in from the East Coast where he was living at the time to surprise Steve for their 30th birthdays and we went and celebrated at San Tan Flat. Fast forward to now and we came full circle, just without Steve. Pax did a good job of blowing out his dad's candles because I know if he were still here those boys would have had a grand old time with him as well. Maybe a little older, maybe a little less energy, but wiser and more grateful for the chance to celebrate all that they have accomplished in the last 20 years and ultimately 50 for those of those who make it!  Like I said in my last blog, Steve is frozen for me at age 45. Neither he nor I will ever see his 50! But I felt a great sense of his presence there with his approval. I would tell you but it is hard to describe. Just trust me, He was there. 

No matter what life throws at me, I  am an upbeat hope filled women who trusts my hopes not my fears. I trust God has a plan for my life and He will make that plan known for me and use my skills and strengths that his has given me to serve my people. We as humans need to give up he illusion that we deserve a problem- free life. Part of us is always striving for a resolution to all difficulties. We are relying on a false sense of hope when we live in a world of trouble or turmoil. In church on Sunday the Pastor talked about how we often have the misconception about controlling a situation that is not ours to control and the more that we do that instead of trusting God the more you fall out of control and turn to things of this world to make it "right" instead of trusting that God is in control and allowing Him to guide you. We are all guilty of it, no matter what our pleasure. Whether it be drinking, drugs, food, retail therapy, gambling, or even worry and anxiety... etc. Nothing replaces His presence in your life. 

I want my son to grow up knowing that life is not without difficulties but we can still find hope, gratitude and peace despite them. The more I am able to turn to Him and let the disappointment of what I thought something should look like or the way it should turn out the more I can feel the joy around me and create a peace in knowing that someone above me has got this! We can question all day long but we have to trust there is a reason, even if we don't see it. I want Paxton to be able to control his mind to do this as well, it will surely enrich his life experiences. Whether you are encountering a difficulty at work, in a relationship, a death you didn't understand or expect, a why me moment... there is a God who has a perfect design already figured out we are living, there is divine timing that no matter how much control or exercise we force on a situation it isn't going to change what is. 

I wake up every morning asking God to give me the people who need my help the most, and maybe ultimately I don't get them to their end result but I trust that there is a reason we cross paths and something I did along the way will get them there. Sometimes you are there to teach them a lesson and sometimes they are to you. No matter what no experience I have encountered so far whether good nor bad hasn't somehow helped shape me for my purpose here, or my pathway to Heaven. You just have to Trust it.  

I pray today that you can Give it to God and live this life with your purpose, be mindful of your choices and decisions but also trust. Too many factors, people, and your environment affect your situation so no matter whether you trust or believe in God's plans you will never be able to fully control anything. So stop trying. I am not saying give up, or don't make good decisions,  just don't give yourself the power to control everything, you can't. When something doesn't go your way, reflect on your experience and lean into what did go right, or what you learned from it. Take a deep breath, rest in your takeaway and use it on your journey going forward. 

Consistency in Everything is KEY. God wants us to want Him. And when we realize that it's Him we want we become free. Longings, loneliness, and emptiness can not be fully satisfied by anyone of this world. Only Him. Seek Him first in all you do. Your life will change. Even if you have to chose it over again everyday. 

As the sunrise changes every morning, I may not know what the day brings, but I know who brings the day! 

Forever 45

 

On this Eve of Steve's Big 50th and my mom's 78th birthday Day I am struggling! Always 45 and 66 they will be frozen in my head. The last week has been weird since the 8th when it has now been 11 years without my mama! 11 years!  I don't know where the time went to be honest. I still have some part of my day where I am itching to ask her opinion about something almost daily! Paxton and I have had some serious moments recently, I have cried over things that I have no business crying over either. But hell, grief is just love with no where to go, no matter how you try to redirect it, sometimes it just boils to the point of explosion and things seem more messed up. Emotions fly, attitudes falter, feelings get hurt and I find myself not only more sensitive to situations but also tip-toeing around others not to disturb the peace so to speak! Man it is tough to try to keep everything flowing sometimes. I wished I could stop and pause and resume after the week is done.  Somedays I wished that I didn't have as much emotion about things as I do and other days I am grateful that I feel so deeply because it makes me a more empathetic person who loves with all I got! If you are in the path of that love no matter what our relationship, it is my focus to want to make everyone feel safe and special because of it. But on the flip side, it can be exhausting. 

Paxton seems to be straining over the past week making decisions on what to do. In the past we have celebrated Steve and my mom's birthdays with dinner, asking family members or friends to join us sometimes. This year we have no plans and every time I have brought it up or asked him what he would like to do, where he would like to go or who he wanted to invite I get nothing. And I hate to push but I also like to plan. His indecisiveness was a huge indicator to me that he was struggling internally with something. So then I internally played all the scenarios that I would suspect. Maybe he is afraid that in telling me I would think differently or judge him in some way. I know that is often what crosses my mind when I am struggling with what I am feeling.

I also know that I often try to hide my emotions or how I am feeling it makes it worse, maybe I am afraid of what someone will think of what is happening in my head. I want to protect others from what is going on inside my head sometimes other times I am so vulnerable and I can spill it all and with that often comes tears and doubt. So the thoughts fly and the tears fall usually more on my own time. I want him to know he is safe to tell me how he feels. Teaching him how to communicate now will only strengthen his relationships in the future. 

I just told a client a few days ago that we do not talk to anyone as much as we talk to ourselves and we are our own worst critic as well as we tend to get stuck in our head verses turning to God for peace, or relief from what we are going through after she mentioned that she wished she would have given her concerns to God instead of listening to her head about the home she is trying to sell. I couldn't agree more. Today a client took me to lunch to catch up and pick my brain about his home and before we ate he asked if he could pray over us, I agreed and he grabbed my hand and prayed. It was a gentle reminder that no matter where you are or what you are doing God is always there listening and taking a few minutes to call upon him for guidance, comfort, care, support and gratitude can really change the trajectory of our day or reset any spiraling that may be occurring as we move forward with our day. 

Tonight I told Paxton that it is okay to feel the way he is feeling, to be uncertain about what he wants to do and also to break tradition. Just because for the last how many years we went out to eat doesn't mean, his dad or my mom would think any less if we chose to do something else. If he came home from school tomorrow and decided to grab his friends and do something, I nor any one else is going to judge him for switching it up. We all grow, we all change and while traditions are great in the traditional sense of the word(haha) we are not stuck in them nor should we be if they don't fit our feelings, or situation anymore or even on occasion, doesn't mean next year it can't go back to the way it was or change again. I didn't really still get a definite answer, but I saw in his expression and felt a sense of relief that he doesn't have to decide what he wants to do until he knows what he wants to do and maybe that is tomorrow at 9 am,  2 pm or 6pm. Would that normally drive me nuts to not have a plan and be on hold waiting, probably, but some days of the year there are exceptions to my madness. 

Sometimes I just want someone to step in take over and tell me life is going to be alright, everything is okay, you got this, you will survive, you are raising a great kid, you are making good decisions, you are a great mom, you are not crazy or alone and it is okay to feel the way that you do. But why am I waiting for someone to affirm these things for me? Why do I need this validation from the world. God can handle that. The popular saying is Give it to God and Go to Sleep like the sign above my bed, but why can't we do that during the day when we find our thoughts drifting to sadness or negativity, stress, anxiety or anything similar. Stop, collect our thoughts, take a few deep breaths, pause in the moment, pray over ourself or our situation, give it to God and move on with our day. Find relief, even if it is temporary until the next time we need to reset. Take as many times as you need and trust that God has got you! 

When I first heard this song, I thought how beautiful! A relationship where the couple has each others back and can carry the weight of the world for the other in times of need. Listening to the lyrics today while working I thought this is exactly what God provides for us, we just need to reach out and give our burdens to Him. 

Weight of Your World (Johan Fransson, Tim Mikael Larsson, Tobias Lundgren,Chris Stapleton)

I want you to know wherever your road wants to go

I'll never be far, I'll always be right where you are

If you lose your way, your hope is gone 

I'll be the light that leads you home

Give me your darkest hour

Give me your deepest fear

Just give me a call and I'll be here

Give me the bars and chains that won't set you free

Give me the weight of your world

And lay it on me

There will come a time

When all the words don't seem to rhyme

Please lean on me until you find the harmony

When it is hard to breathe

When the right seems wrong

I'll be the hand that helps you along

Wherever you go, wherever you've been

Anytime you need a friend

Sincerely, God

Psalm 27

The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 

I Love That for You

 

A friend of mine and I were having lunch the other day and somehow we got on the subject of jealousy verses being truly happy for someone else's fortune. Coming back from a recent trip to East Texas/Louisiana for Paxton's big 16th birthday trip where we hauled the boat so he could fish at Caddo Lake I had some inquires after my FB post. " Oh wow you have been traveling a lot lately, or seems like you are really enjoying life." Sometimes it is hard to tell if someone is being genuine or a little caddy. We had these plans for almost a year. In recent years I think we started traveling more with "life is short enjoy it, " attitude.  Do the things, take the trips, make the memories. My philosophy from waiting to retire to do all the things to enjoying them now is my motto. How do you know you will be able to enjoy it later? We are not promised tomorrow. I told her I do tend to get a lot of wow you have been traveling a lot commentary from others, but I just silence the noise and say exactly how I am happy that I have chosen to live my life now instead of waiting until xyz happens. Maybe it won't happen. I am not strongly suggesting that anyone lives outside their means, but that they take advantage of their opportunities, make the time, prioritize their schedules and live in the moment.

My friend said she agreed, that we should all just be rooting for each other and should say I Love that for you genuinely, not with jealously. We may want that same thing for ourselves that we may have not gotten around to fulfilling yet and maybe it is meant to be at a different time, or maybe we have just been putting it off or prioritizing differently. But to truly be happy for someone else's bucket list item or whatever it may be shows our maturity and our sincerity for other people's happiness.  I told her that earlier that day a business friend of mine posted her and her daughter galloping on the beach with the beautiful ocean in the background on graceful horses with a freedom that put an automatic smile on my face. Owning horses off and on since I was 12 years old it was something I have always wanted to do. Have I done it yet? NO. Could I have, probably. How grandeur of an opportunity and now it makes it a higher priority for me in upcoming trips where it may be an option. My immediate thought when she posted the video was to be truly happy for her! Something she has always wanted to do with her daughter. It never crossed my mind to be jealous! I even posted in the comments, "this is so awesome for you." Later that day my other friend and I had this same conversation about being truly happy for other people! 

This weekend I had the opportunity to see my son who is a junior get dressed up (in his own style) and accompany girls to the homecoming dance for the first time in his high school careeer with two of his best girl friends since kindergarten and two more he acquired along the way. I truly felt the hit about a month ago when I took him to get his license, now his first dance... the emotions have been flying. Steve is supposed to be here for these things. These milestones that will keep on coming the older Paxton gets in his life. The sadder I feel for what we lack but the joy of enjoying the moment, living our lives, making the most of still being here without Steve shows we are truly enjoying the journey and surrendering the outcome we likely don't have control over. I know Steve is up there smiling down if that is such a thing. Proud of his son and of where he is going. I had a a little anxiety and a touch of sadness to the point of crying privately. A combination of bittersweet, joy and sadness all wrapped up in a messy little package. We never know when our experiences will come to an end. Enjoy all of them, find the joy in them, make the most of them, express the gratitude for them daily. 

So yes, the next time you see someone winning, getting ahead, enjoying life, loving their experiences, doing all the things! Truly be happy for them. Love that they get to have that experience, that moment... you never know how long they will be here, or the people around them that they want to enjoy it with. Practice saying I Love That for You, MORE! 

From song: We Live by Superchick

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up ' cause the days we are given are gifts from above and today we remember to live and to love. What would it take for the clouds to break, for us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway and get our heads up out of the darkness and spark this new mindset and start on with life cause it ain't gone yet. This is your story and and it all depends so don't let it become true get out and do what we are meant to do. And tragedy's a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up with all our heads up 'cause life is worth living. 

On the Other Side

Yesterday morning Paxton was wearing his fish hook necklace with Steve's ashes in it that I bought him and all of Steve's close buddies when he passed.  He hasn't worn that in a long time. He asked me if he could get another one to wear also. (he already has a baseball too but hasn't played in so long it isn't something I think he would wear). I asked him what kind he wanted but he didn't know. I am fine with that and of course absolutely he can! I am glad he feels comfortable to wear it when he wants to. 

I can see it in his face, in his step, his smile and determination lately that he is slowly but surely beginning to live his live and enjoy his journey despite loosing Steve. (Even when I take pictures he is smiling and more than one observer has pointed it out. ) I remember a good friend of mine growing up, now in the psychology industry telling me that boys take longer than girls to adjust and age can affect their bounce back as well. I stress all the time we all handle things differently so no expectations should ever be set. I needed him to come into his peace on his own. Not forced and not demanded or even unnaturally gained.  Last week he asked me about my tattoos. I have mentioned before almost all of them are in reference to a dead person. A little morbid but memorable and meaningful. I really thought he was anti-tattoo but he questioned whether at a later date he could get his dad's handwriting in a tattoo for him. It made my heart skip a beat and I reassured him we could find what word or saying he wanted when the time is right. I got my first tattoo at 16 with my mom's permission so no judging here. 

When he left yesterday for school I all of a sudden decided that I could finally introduce photos of Steve back into my living space. Weird right?! Like a timer just went off in my mind. The time I needed to reset my peace came to an end just like that. I didn't totally remove him before I just confined him to the hallway, where I could chose to look if I wanted but wasn't in my face every time I walked by. Somehow when I made my living space and my bedroom my own a few years ago after he died, part of that was removing what made me sad. Looking at photos on a daily basis made me sad, looking at his things lying around my room and living room made me sad, looking at his stuff in the closet made me sad. While I couldn't remove everything that reminded me of him, the majority of my triggers went away so I felt peace in my home. 

This past week I have been pretty up and down as far as emotionally and mentally. Four years ago at the end of July Steve got sick, this week marks his admittance to the hospital he would never return from. Last night I was looking at photos on my phone and came across a video with Steve's voice coaching Paxton in our backyard as he caught balls, decked out in his catchers gear with Ryker observing in the background. It made me smile when Steve asked Paxton to do something and with a loud sigh he obliged. I sent it to Paxton on a whim not sure if it would strike a nerve or soothe a wound. He was in my room in less than 2 minutes thanking me for sending it and laying in bed with me watching videos on my phone for over an hour.  I love these moments we have together almost 16 or not you can crawl in bed with me and tell me anything, reminisce or include me in your world. 

Two years ago I started talking to Mark at the end of July and this weekend marks two years we have dated. When I met Mark in the same timeframe of Paxton and my roller coaster memories, I truly believe Steve sent him to fulfill parts of Steve that Paxton and I are missing yet someone who would continue loving Me...and Paxton, but in a different way then Steve had and with a different need that we have. He is someone that I need at this stage in my life not only for myself but for Paxton's immediate needs at this crucial growing up stage and his future self that is still in need of mentoring (from the male perspective). As their relationship grows, I can't help think to myself which one of us needs-wants him more! Sometimes we may even be competing a little for Mark's attention. But don't worry he handles us both well or God probably wouldn't have delivered our story to him.

 

It's funny how we change and people have different needs and wants at different stages of their life. It was almost as if this man was just dropped in my life at the time when we needed him the most. And as none of us truly know when we will expire, I know he will be here for the amount of time God allows. I often tease Mark that if I met him 27 years ago instead of Steve our relationship would never have worked out. We were both different people back then. What we experienced over those years groomed us into who we currently are. Our journeys simultaneously led us to each other and now we are at the stage in our lives where this relationship makes sense. We are now equipped for it. 

Maybe God will have us grow old together and that is something I am looking forward to finding out. Mark asked me one day if we grow old together when we go to Heaven would I choose Steve because he is forever 45 and he would be old by then. Lol, he makes me laugh, one of the things I love the most and reminds me of one of the things about Steve I miss. They are absolutely not the same person but God knew what I needed from both of them in this life. 

I have connected with many widows and widowers whether I knew them before or after Steve passed away. All of us have a different story. Some of us are meant to find that love again some of us may not be. For some that person may already be a part of your life even before their spouse passed away. Some they find the one sooner than later. Others may go years before experiencing that companionship. No matter what your story is it is still being written. Enjoy your journey every day and surrender the outcome you cannot predict. You can't fully enjoy today if you're living in the past or worrying about your future. Sometimes you might have to remind yourself every single morning to enjoy without guilt or judgement. 

I have always had a little bit of envy for those people who have been married over 50 years... why them? Why not me? Why did I deserve not to enjoy a long healthy marriage? Why can't I have their luck. It doesn't seem fair. They don't have to experience the loss at such an early age but they also may not ever experience true love more than once and for that I am lucky and grateful that this is my story. 

No matter what you are going through CELEBRATE YOU TODAY even if today it's only your motivation to get out of bed. We all heal in our own time, in our own way. And we must not move on but forward continuously with grief right by our side. As living beings our stories are not over and our loved ones will be waiting for us to tell the rest of ours, on the other side. Give them a story worth waiting for. 

Taken from Lauren Alaina The Other Side

... Don't you cry for me, 'cause I'm in God's glory and I can see His face, it's amazing. 

I know you have doubts, but I see it right now

I promise it's real, keep praying

I'll be waiting, take your time and go write a story

That you can't wait to tell me

On the other side 

How to be a better Hooker- Lessons from a 15 year old Angler

Catchy title right? You can learn a lot of life lessons from fishing. I grew up loving to fish. Bobber, worms, bee-moth bait... simple pole real Midwest lakes. Catching Blue gill, Sun fish the occasional Bass or Catfish (my dad loved to catfish- most profound memory, the stinky bait he used sooo GROSS- I think I still could close my eyes and smell it) , nothing fancy at all. I fished until I caught some or lost interest. I am more of can I accomplish that rather than how many or for how long. After meeting Steve,  AZ man-made lakes and all. He was a different kind of angler, the seriousness, the competitiveness and thrill of the chase I never really enjoyed, nor the getting up extra early to beat the sunrise, whipping across the cold water or baking for hours in the sun, to maybe walk away with nothing, to be honest I don't remember a time fishing as a kid that I didn't at least catch something! But I tagged along with him that is what you do when you want to spend extra time together. You learn to participate in some of their interests. It was just a different kind of fishing then what I was used to and I am perfectly happy to read a book when I got bored.. this is the difference between a hobby and a passion. 

Paxton inherited the passion. He did a year on the High School Bassmaster's fishing team, and enjoys the what I call "hunt." I have been spending a lot of time on the water with him especially this year since he has 2 months until he gets his license and has had a hard time finding people to go with him on a regular basis or that are as committed to going. A few weeks ago we went Pike fishing in Northern AZ with Mark for the weekend and their focus and skills where way above my level of commitment and interest. I tagged along for fun and caught a couple fish to their 50ish... haha. The one thing I know that Paxton and I have in common is that we want to be good at it the first time,  we often don't leave ourselves room for error, or give ourselves enough grace, we don't want to be a bother to anyone either. This I experienced the guilt of when I got stuck on a rock, broke off a lure, or wanted to switch baits, not fully trusting my line tying skills. But I will tell you one thing, no matter how good you are you are bound to get stuck sometimes, break off a lure or miss the big one, nothing will ever be PERFECT, because none of us are. There is always room for improvement, and it is never to late to learn something new. 

Things have been flowing and shaking the last month or so, we have enjoyed making some great memories.  Nothing is without hiccups though. Still struggling as a single mom and as a mom in general. We all want what is best for our kids and I pray everyday I don't mess that up. A recent conversation about failing as a mom has allowed me to establish a new set of boundaries that have been bent (in all directions) over the last few years partially due to guilt, taking ownership of things that are not my fault, and pure exhaustion. No one tells you that going through Perimenopause, loosing a husband and raising a now teenager can be so mind consuming and time consuming! I almost want to tell you all to fast forward through this NetFlick series and let me know how it turns out. Just kidding, then I would miss all the memory making! 

Summer break has come to an end! Paxton just started school this week! 3 hours of online classes and 2 hours of welding school Monday-Friday at CAVIT (Central Arizona Vocational Institute of Technology) is his new reality. Super proud of this kid to have goals for his future. I have never pictured him as a college kid and that is okay by me! Trades are necessary and can make phenomenal careers. His hands on mechanical knowledge and common sense from his dad and entrepreneur spirit from me no doubt will aid in his success and future endeavors. He is embarking on his 5th year of raising steer and pig for butcher and selling them, restoring his dad's 68 Mustang with our neighbor Marc, trying to advance his fishing skills, enjoying his motorized toys, and strumming up ideas for future advancement and goals he wants to achieve. But ya know, he is still a teenager and drives me nuts at least a little everyday. Sometimes things don't go as expected, sometimes I let him down, heck sometimes I let myself down. I take the world on my shoulders and want to fix everyone and everything most days! It has been a commitment I need to remind myself everyday that I am only capable of doing my best without a manual and that everything builds character, brings a lesson, or offers growth opportunities all a part of shaping us into who we are supposed to be. 

Fishing with Paxton yesterday with a hurt shoulder (don't worry I finished my 8th book since summer started and added a little color to my summer glow- so I feel semi accomplished) built patience on both of our ends. The wind was obnoxious, the lake was at least 15 feet lower than the last time we went, the bite was not instant, and the challenge was on. He may have only caught 2, but I am proud of his determination not to give up when the bite and conditions are less than favorable especially from the very start. I could have done without the impatient attitude or frustration from him, (but we all have to unleash it sometime to avoid the buildup and explosion we often encounter- I am quick to correct him, but should just be quiet and give him his moment) but I also view this as a future quality that when he wants something he is going to dedicate his time to getting it despite the obstacles that present themselves, even if there are a few cuss words spat out. He caught his 2 just before we left, he was almost ready to leave at least 3 times before that, which would have resulted in getting skunked. In life the next big thing could be steps away, minutes away or right around the next cove. If you want it bad enough, you will keep trying and eventually succeed. The more you fish the greater the opportunity to catch. Despite my fears of fu--ing him up... I think he will turn out just fine, not perfect, but something to be proud of, I helped create.  

Last night on the way home after our mini blow up from the frustrating conditions, he was driving and we were going about 65 through the mountains when a javelina decided to nonchalantly cross the road. Knowing that we were going to hit it no matter what I braced myself, didn't yell or freak out but remained quiet as to not alarm or alter the natural instincts of what Paxton would do if he was by himself in this situation. And you know what fellow Mamas?! As much as I want to be the teacher, sometimes I need to step back and let him learn. I was so proud of myself, he kept the wheel straight, did not attempt to slow down, speed up, stop, or swerve. There was no saving the little piggy unfortunately. He hit the front of the truck went flying through the middle and out the end of the boat trailer. No damage to our truck or trailer. Although I hate to see that this harmless creature (just trying to get from point A to B) had to be eliminated in the process, I am super proud of how we both handled the situation we were facing. Sometimes it is a split second decision. Remember my friends, there will always be javelina that walk across your path, it is not about what life hands you, it is about how you respond to what you are dealt that counts. 

Things I have learned in the last few months from a 15 year old Angler who is an old soul, wise beyond his years and more like me than sometimes I want to admit.

*There is a difference between a hobby and a passion. Respect that.

*Not everything he gets frustrated or upset about is my fault.

*Stop making it about something I did wrong- I am not inadequate I am a good mom.

*Be quiet instead of quick to respond I can't fix everything nor am I expected to.

*Not everyone has the same knowledge or performs at the same level, don't expect them to. 

*We all need a little help once in awhile, no one should expect us to be an expert at everything.

*The more you fish the more you will catch, the more you practice the better you will become.

*Everyone gets stuck, loses the big one, or breaks their line and loses a lure. 

*Sometimes it is okay to get angry (we all have three years olds inside) as long as your not hurting someone, throw your fit then let it go. 

*There is a technique to setting the hook to get your catch, both in fishing and in life, learn yours to get what you want. 

*Don't quit too early, the next fish might be THE ONE. 

*If I ever write another book (not a children's one) this might be the title. HMMM.. 

Just Start

 

27 years ago in March 1998 Steve walked into the tanning salon where I worked after his workout. He was in great shape when I met him and the best shape of his life when we got married. He actually had a 6 pack, but I teased him he was too skinny. I tend to be attracted to guys with a little more fluff than not. Although looking back I used to love to run my hands over his stomach and arms and feel the definition of his muscles. If I could go back to that time, one more time just to experience how it felt I would in a heartbeat. TMI maybe but it is all part of my story. 

I was never really a fan of working out. Don't get me wrong I loved the way it made me feel afterwards but have always had a hard time getting to it to start with. I was on a swim team and played tennis in high school but was never really a weight lifter per se until I met him. I remember joining the gym after we met and learning all the different machines, free weights, how to complete sets and just how much weight my body could handle as well as being introduced to protein shakes and supplements. I have never been satisfied with these as I really enjoying chewing my food not drinking it. We worked out for years together at the gym. When we got married I was probably in the best shape of my life as well, although I wished now I was as fat as I thought I was then. It is all about perspective. It definitely was not a maintainable weight for me and all I ate was chicken, fish, dry tuna, salad with lemon and vinegar, and green beans mostly. I love healthy food, but how boring and I love to cook with butter and flavorful things, so that didn't last long. Marriage, work, responsibilities and a baby. Not to mention I struggled with my weight my whole life going up and down since as far back as I can remember which was about 5th grade. 

When Steve died I was probably at my highest weight ever, like within a pound of being pregnant. I was comfortably uncomfortable if that makes sense. I was content in life, married to a man who wasn't going anywhere, busy with work, life, a pressing travel baseball schedule, being a mom, raising farm animals, all the stuff. I wasn't happy with myself really, but I didn't have time for all the extra effort.  When Steve died, I really anticipated gaining even more because I have always been an emotional eater. I remember my homecoming dance my freshman year in high school, I wore this red dress, it was my favorite out of all the dances I went to. I loved how I looked, it was probably next to my wedding day the happiest I have ever been with my weight. My dad died my first week of my freshman year of high school and I crept up in weight to my highest weight at the time I graduated high school. I struggled with bulimia for a few years in between gaining it all back when graduating, my mom and best friend helped me through that but to this day I'll be honest and hate to admit it, if I binge way to much my gag reflux works, it took me years to admit it to anyone else that I ever did that, I don't even think I ever told Steve. 

After high school I moved to the Arizona sunshine and decided to start roller blading to ASU classes from my condo a few miles away. It was just me so I didn't eat much and I dropped 25 lbs in the first few months of college. Once again feeling great about myself. When I got Covid 4 years ago and everything tasted disgusting it ended up being easy for me to shed the pounds again because once Steve died I pretty much just drank my sorrow with wine. Yep, the girl who likes to chew her food instead of drink it changed up her style in the moment. But definitely not sustainable. So once again my life changed, the busyness came back and I was content again. So naturally my weight slowly crept back up to where I was before he died within probably the last 1.5 years. Gaining back the 30 lbs + 2 I lost 4 years ago. 

The last year I have struggled to lose even 5 lbs of what I had gained. I have had a hard time maintaining my weight my whole life, after 40 even harder! Yesterday I went and signed up to go to the gym. I don't remember the last time I belonged to a gym, Maybe as far back as when Paxton was 3. Let me tell you this was a big step for me. This morning I went for the first time and felt more motivated to work out than I have in a long time. I walk and do pilates at home but not consistently. We bought a home gym about 3 years ago I think I used it 5 times. I have been disgusted with my weight lately after gaining back everything I lost when Steve died and a friend told me that weights are important to maintain muscle when you are taking the weight loss shots. Yes, I caved and decided back in January that no matter what I was trying to do to lose it I struggle  with my weight and my perimenopausal state where I can look at food and gain weight, wasn't helping! I needed help somehow. I didn't want to do it, I fought it for awhile but for my sanity and my health and lifestyle I explored my options and decided it was the best thing for my mental heath as well. You are not defined by your weight, however I always feel better about myself when I am at my comfortable weight. I don't need to be 135 lbs, but I don't need to be 180 + either. I am down 20 lbs since January although it seems like every time I gain or lose weight it is in different places and nothing seems to fit the same even at the weight you were at one time! It is okay, I am at peace with the fact that my weight is too a journey just like everything else in my life and I need to view it as a process! 

This morning I was nervous and excited. Luckily there were not a lot of people there and I had to remind myself they are there to work out, not critique me that is my complex in my head. It took me a few minutes to walk around and decide what to use and remember how to use some of it but I did it. At one of the machines I stopped and pictured Steve standing next to me all those years ago patiently showing me how to use it and encouraging me to just sit down and go for it. I may have smiled big at the thought and pressed forward. I started with legs, those have always been my strength when working out and my favorite to do. I may have been able to leg press what I could 15 years ago which I impressed myself! I may not be able to walk tomorrow though so stay tuned. 

I think the 15 minute drive to and from the gym, and removing myself from my house full of work and chores is probably for the best. I have always had a hang up with consistency, so I am just taking this one day at a time. I feel committed to looking and feeling better and I will keep you updated on my journey. I think that this will help with my stress levels as well! For those of you who struggle with starting my advice,  JUST START, no matter what it is! But take my word for it remember to update your playlist before you do! That is on my list of things to do tonight!