Mama tried… I feel like that is something that moms who are nurturers always tend to say to ourselves. Granted no matter what we do we don’t always get it right. But then again what is right? No rule books were given out at the hospital when I became a mom, at least as far as I know unless they skipped me! We are just out here trying as we go, hoping not to fuck it up and make sure we try our best to get our kids to turn out to be decent human beings as adults. I’ll keep you posted, but in the words of my counselor today… I am doing an amazing job and I am an amazing mom. I may need to repeat that often!
I haven’t seen my counselor in a while. Why? Because I am Dani,
and I should be able to “fix” myself. I am happy, my life is good, my relationship
is good, ( I am pretty certain some people don’t find love in their life once,
so having the opportunity to love twice is a blessing that contributes to my joy
that I cannot discount) business is good, my health is mostly good minus the
weight creeping back up a bit, but we all go through seasons and if we had all our
shit together at the same time life might be a little boring. So why go to
therapy now, I am happy right?
Well this morning I
woke up feeling very off my high on life and just needed to talk to a neutral sounding
board, someone who isn’t judging me, biased because we are friends, or thinking that I am crazy for feeling
happy and not so happy with my life all at the same time. What the hell is wrong
with me I thought! Awe yes, that little bugger.. .grief it is very sneaky! A
sound, scent, song, smile becomes tears in a matter of seconds without my
control sometimes. But I remembered, that I am not the same person I was 3+ years
ago, If I went back there, no matter how much I have wished to return to the comfort of it, I wouldn’t
fit in anymore. That is healing while moving forward at it’s finest!
I was early, so I got us both coffee, took a deep breath and
unleashed 3 months of life! I don’t know if I go there to necessarily get advice,
exercises he assigns to follow to help me cope, or validation, honestly probably none of
that. I go to talk myself through what I am harboring in my head that just
needs to get out so I can make sense of it all! I am historically a people pleaser,
but that sometimes comes with a price, my inner peace. Placing the stress,
anxiety and sadness of others on my plate. I know what trauma and pain is like, ever
since I was a little girl and throughout
various stages of my life, I just want to take it away for everyone else, like
somehow fixing them will fix me, or at least make me feel like I have a purpose
in this anything but perfect world we are all navigating in different directions at different paces.
Today my counselor asked me what I could do to take care of myself.
I replied give myself more grace, don’t blame myself for how other people are
dealing with their own issues or how they respond to me, own my issues, and write
again. He asked if writing was my therapy, why have I tossed it aside. Out loud
I admitted that somehow, I went from writing for myself and sharing it with others
to writing for an audience that I now thought I had. Inside I felt that no
matter what I thought about writing or stuff I have written recently wasn’t
worth sharing. I realized that my audience changed from my original intention of ME, and my limiting beliefs
somehow took over that none of it was good enough. I left that office determined
that I would go home and write for me again, then share. People can take what I
write at any face value. IF they are helped, inspired, or feel less alone in their daily dealings, then it is a bonus, not a goal. If I couldn’t be true to myself and why I write in the
first place, how can I possibly make an impact on anyone else? I write first and foremost for my mental health. Bingo!
So here it is! 2 months is a long time to be silent.
Again, Mama tried. Paxton is getting our yard ready for his
dream of starting his own cattle/calf operation someday. He is a farm kid at heart and why not pursue your passion. I have been trying to
help him with all the random things we have accumulated, I decided some of it
was worth hiring out to just haul away ( a guy came this morning), some things
need to be kept and some things just need to be redistributed in our yard. I am
going to do my best to help but I am also tired, worn out, not in amazing shape, 45 year old up against a
strong, healthy 15 year old. Not a good match. In the middle of rolling up the longest
piece of turf ever, that led up to his baseball backstop Steve welded years
ago, and was in place so long ago that the ground underneath was compacted. I felt
like I was trying to roll up a very heavy extra large paddleboard or 10 that just
wouldn’t budge. He did most of the work! A third of the way through, I said
call a friend, I will pay them $20 to come help you, this is ridiculous!
I am currently reading a book called, Everything is Figureoutable
by Marie Forleo! Yes, well in my opinion, I could probably figure it out and
push through but if it isn’t my forte and I can hire it out or delegate it to
someone else… Sign me up! I am not that proud; I am all about working smarter
not harder! Besides, I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and get out
of bed, not be so sore I couldn’t move! HAHA! Save my skills, energy and time for the things
I excel at or can make more money than I am giving out! That is my definition
of winning.
Let’s wrap it up with confidence. I got home from counseling,
making one stop on my way… at the new neighbors, to confront the rudeness
Paxton and I experienced last night from them. I am a likeable, caring, kind
and generous person and deserve an explanation before an attack. I marched up
to their door, shaking just a little, knocked on the door, took a deep breath,
shook his hand and introduced myself. We talked it out and I walked away
feeling pretty proud of myself for the confrontation to not allow fear to rule my
life with any animosity going forward. Ya, confidence isn't bad at all, if you think you are a
badass babe, OWN it!
So, this is where I am going to stop for today! Why? Because
I have so much to say that I haven’t been able to, I may as well break it up
into a few viable blogs. My lesson, don’t hold back, be aware of your limiting
beliefs or self-talk and stop letting other people get into your head. Don’t
let others live rent free in your head, charge for that space or let it go. It is not worth your time or energy to maul over other people's mistakes, attitudes or anything beyond your control. Be
self-aware, set boundaries, practice mental strategies, and stay away from
blaming yourself for others’ behaviors.
