On the Other Side

Yesterday morning Paxton was wearing his fish hook necklace with Steve's ashes in it that I bought him and all of Steve's close buddies when he passed.  He hasn't worn that in a long time. He asked me if he could get another one to wear also. (he already has a baseball too but hasn't played in so long it isn't something I think he would wear). I asked him what kind he wanted but he didn't know. I am fine with that and of course absolutely he can! I am glad he feels comfortable to wear it when he wants to. 

I can see it in his face, in his step, his smile and determination lately that he is slowly but surely beginning to live his live and enjoy his journey despite loosing Steve. (Even when I take pictures he is smiling and more than one observer has pointed it out. ) I remember a good friend of mine growing up, now in the psychology industry telling me that boys take longer than girls to adjust and age can affect their bounce back as well. I stress all the time we all handle things differently so no expectations should ever be set. I needed him to come into his peace on his own. Not forced and not demanded or even unnaturally gained.  Last week he asked me about my tattoos. I have mentioned before almost all of them are in reference to a dead person. A little morbid but memorable and meaningful. I really thought he was anti-tattoo but he questioned whether at a later date he could get his dad's handwriting in a tattoo for him. It made my heart skip a beat and I reassured him we could find what word or saying he wanted when the time is right. I got my first tattoo at 16 with my mom's permission so no judging here. 

When he left yesterday for school I all of a sudden decided that I could finally introduce photos of Steve back into my living space. Weird right?! Like a timer just went off in my mind. The time I needed to reset my peace came to an end just like that. I didn't totally remove him before I just confined him to the hallway, where I could chose to look if I wanted but wasn't in my face every time I walked by. Somehow when I made my living space and my bedroom my own a few years ago after he died, part of that was removing what made me sad. Looking at photos on a daily basis made me sad, looking at his things lying around my room and living room made me sad, looking at his stuff in the closet made me sad. While I couldn't remove everything that reminded me of him, the majority of my triggers went away so I felt peace in my home. 

This past week I have been pretty up and down as far as emotionally and mentally. Four years ago at the end of July Steve got sick, this week marks his admittance to the hospital he would never return from. Last night I was looking at photos on my phone and came across a video with Steve's voice coaching Paxton in our backyard as he caught balls, decked out in his catchers gear with Ryker observing in the background. It made me smile when Steve asked Paxton to do something and with a loud sigh he obliged. I sent it to Paxton on a whim not sure if it would strike a nerve or soothe a wound. He was in my room in less than 2 minutes thanking me for sending it and laying in bed with me watching videos on my phone for over an hour.  I love these moments we have together almost 16 or not you can crawl in bed with me and tell me anything, reminisce or include me in your world. 

Two years ago I started talking to Mark at the end of July and this weekend marks two years we have dated. When I met Mark in the same timeframe of Paxton and my roller coaster memories, I truly believe Steve sent him to fulfill parts of Steve that Paxton and I are missing yet someone who would continue loving Me...and Paxton, but in a different way then Steve had and with a different need that we have. He is someone that I need at this stage in my life not only for myself but for Paxton's immediate needs at this crucial growing up stage and his future self that is still in need of mentoring (from the male perspective). As their relationship grows, I can't help think to myself which one of us needs-wants him more! Sometimes we may even be competing a little for Mark's attention. But don't worry he handles us both well or God probably wouldn't have delivered our story to him.

 

It's funny how we change and people have different needs and wants at different stages of their life. It was almost as if this man was just dropped in my life at the time when we needed him the most. And as none of us truly know when we will expire, I know he will be here for the amount of time God allows. I often tease Mark that if I met him 27 years ago instead of Steve our relationship would never have worked out. We were both different people back then. What we experienced over those years groomed us into who we currently are. Our journeys simultaneously led us to each other and now we are at the stage in our lives where this relationship makes sense. We are now equipped for it. 

Maybe God will have us grow old together and that is something I am looking forward to finding out. Mark asked me one day if we grow old together when we go to Heaven would I choose Steve because he is forever 45 and he would be old by then. Lol, he makes me laugh, one of the things I love the most and reminds me of one of the things about Steve I miss. They are absolutely not the same person but God knew what I needed from both of them in this life. 

I have connected with many widows and widowers whether I knew them before or after Steve passed away. All of us have a different story. Some of us are meant to find that love again some of us may not be. For some that person may already be a part of your life even before their spouse passed away. Some they find the one sooner than later. Others may go years before experiencing that companionship. No matter what your story is it is still being written. Enjoy your journey every day and surrender the outcome you cannot predict. You can't fully enjoy today if you're living in the past or worrying about your future. Sometimes you might have to remind yourself every single morning to enjoy without guilt or judgement. 

I have always had a little bit of envy for those people who have been married over 50 years... why them? Why not me? Why did I deserve not to enjoy a long healthy marriage? Why can't I have their luck. It doesn't seem fair. They don't have to experience the loss at such an early age but they also may not ever experience true love more than once and for that I am lucky and grateful that this is my story. 

No matter what you are going through CELEBRATE YOU TODAY even if today it's only your motivation to get out of bed. We all heal in our own time, in our own way. And we must not move on but forward continuously with grief right by our side. As living beings our stories are not over and our loved ones will be waiting for us to tell the rest of ours, on the other side. Give them a story worth waiting for. 

Taken from Lauren Alaina The Other Side

... Don't you cry for me, 'cause I'm in God's glory and I can see His face, it's amazing. 

I know you have doubts, but I see it right now

I promise it's real, keep praying

I'll be waiting, take your time and go write a story

That you can't wait to tell me

On the other side