When the pieces aren't going together...walk away... come back later

 To be honest this is probably the first time I have ever written about something right after I experienced it. I often tend to think it over in my head for a while before I write, or for some of you might say overthink it. I really think the relief that I received from writing this all down after it happened  may be a good technique for my healing process going forward.

   Somedays things come so easy to me and I am happy and carefree and some days I just want to go back to bed and wish it were tomorrow. Today started out as one of those days. I woke up fresh and ready to go at 5:00 AM. Lots of plans and things to accomplish as I have been helping a friend throughout the week with her Free Prom attire event she hosts for all the local High Schoolers, took on 3 new clients and managed to get some appointments, errands and household chores done in between. 

My Horse has Cushing's Disease which affects his pituitary gland so he doesn't shed properly so in order to keep him cooled off in our treacherous summer heat, I shave him a few times a year. This has been going on my 3rd year of doing this now. Last week I was able to shave 1/4 of him before my clippers dulled, and they just weren't eliminating the hair and I didn't want to irritate his skin,  mind you I have never sharpened or replaced them yet. So I ended up ordering the blade on Amazon as Tractor supply was out. Being as busy as I was I didn't have time until this morning to get up and do it. 

Who has a complete breakdown and balls her eyes out trying to replace a blade on some clippers? This girl right here of course. Why would I expect a different outcome!  I could take it apart but not put it back together! Really! This has to happen today, it doesn't really fit in my schedule. Why not, this whole week has been hectic and honestly both Paxton and I have had our moments of complete sadness and tears to spread. Why? I have no idea! This coming week is my birthday week, but I don't even know if that is the cause. I am sure that I am close to my monthly emotional outbreak anyway... welcome to womanhood for those of you men that don't experience it or have never been around a woman during that time... believe me it is real and no matter how much Steve would "think" I could control my emotions pre-period... it just comes and there is really no control. Hormones are such a quirky thing, especially if you are stressed, depressed or emotional to begin with. 

The further and further along this goes, where I am living my new life, the more I seriously hate him for leaving me! I know it was his time and I know that God has a plan for my life everyone says and yes in the back of my mind I do believe this. I also know I am capable, sure I am, can I ask for help? Sure I can... do I want to be able to do everything myself and fit it into my timeline and thrive.. you betcha. Do I hate admitting that I can't do something? More than you know. There are just some things that I don't want to have to do, learn or ruin in the process. 

I have a listing appointment at 11 today and I wanted to have finished shaving Gus so that we can ride this evening. It is way to hot to ride him with all of his hair. But setback... life doesn't flow the way you think or envision in your head, most of the time. It makes me feel stupid that I can't figure things out sometimes, no matter how hard I try, or how much grace I want to give myself.  Like seriously I was able to use the screw driver to unscrew the blade that was already in place, why in the world would the new blade, with the same looking screws take the same screwdriver? 5 different screw drivers later and I have to give up for fear of stripping the screws! 

How much I relied on Steve for so many things I took for granted and never really paid attention to. Believe me I did/do a lot but when it came to the mechanics of things he was always my rescue. Relying on neighbors and friends and people I have to hire is such a brand new world and I'll tell you there is no one who will show up for me at 6AM when I am struggling to replace a blade on a some trimmers, no matter who says they will be there whenever I need them. This is my timeline, not theirs. When you are a mess enough that your child has to hug you and tell you everything will be okay and you just want to cancel the day and hop back in bed but there are so many responsibilities calling your name... yep you must adult today. You just can't call up your new client Mary and say, "sorry but I am having a day and I just can't come today." I mean, yes I could but she has absolutely no idea my backstory and shouldn't be shoved aside for it, or be expected to alter her schedule for something I already committed to. 

"You are doing such a great job", "you are such a good mother" " you surprisingly have your shit together for just loosing your husband" "you amaze me that you are so strong" "I don't think I could do all the things you are doing to make your life work" "you look happy" " so glad to see your smile" "you got this" "I know you will survive"... and on and on and on with the compliments of so many. Is it nice that everyone is so encouraging and has so much faith in my abilities? Of course it is... but it really doesn't make it any easier on me as I am the one who has to live it and sometimes it is easier to just pretend everything is ok just to get through the tough times. Somedays it is easy sailing, because of course I am strong and capable, I really don't have any other choice. Then other days I am a big hot mess with tears streaming down my face with puffy eyes at 5:30 AM yelling at Steve under my breath and having to crawl in bed with my 12 year old to console me! Am I even remotely embarrassed to tell you this? Hell Yes! But I promised when I started this portion of my blog I would be vulnerable and real. Honestly, how can I help someone else through something if I am not!!!? 

So maybe it IS my birthday week that is really getting to me, maybe it is the frustration of not being able to fix something myself that seems so easy in my head that I am sure I could hand to some guy friend to fix in less than 5 minutes and I am struggling with my "first" birthday without Steve in 24 years. Maybe it is Paxton insecurities over the last few days struggling with "new" experiences as at 12  I am sure he is starting to go through puberty and just wants his dad to ask things to, not really his mom and he is a tad embarrassed to ask anyone else. Trying to be mom and dad sometimes can be exhausting but I wouldn't trade him for the world or ever make him feel stupid for asking, it just saddens me that he has to go through all these first without Steve. Will it make him stronger, I am sure of it, but I wished it wasn't this way. 

A little back story for those of you who don't know, or haven't read it before. Every year on my birthday since I was a little girl, no matter where I was, I would come home to flowers, daisies were my favorite at the time, that my dad bought me... fast forward 15 years as he died when I was 14. My mom knew how much it meant to me and continued giving me flowers every year on my birthday from my dad, she wanted me to feel his presence and make my day that much more special, my grandfather also died on my 14th birthday so I think in a way my mom wanted to ease that sadness that was hovering around me as well,  even when I moved out of state, even when I got married she still sent or brought me flowers.  Fast forward another 20 years when she died and Steve carried on the tradition. Just because, not because I asked him to or expected it of him, but because he knew the back story. And you all wonder why I like flowers so much... even after I received so many when Steve died that I wanted to chuck every vase at the wall because no flowers could ever come close to consoling my hearting heart, they still make me happy and put a smile on my face and I love to have them in my home. 

Flowers are funny. You can watch them bloom, thrive and die. It is just the circle of life. Some last longer than others and sometimes I never know when I buy them for my table if they will last 2 days or 2 or more weeks. No expectations, I just enjoy them while they are here. For flowers it is a lot shorter than humans but we can definitely use them as an analogy to enjoy life the best you can in the short amount of time you have that you have to make each day count, we don't really know when we will no longer have that opportunity. 

My son is 12, he doesn't drive and he isn't expected to get me flowers unless he really has an inkling to do so himself with no push or bug in his ear from anyone else... ( all of you promise me). He already asked me what I wanted for my birthday and then when I came up with something else and suggested we go shopping together to pick out a summer robe, he proceeded to tell me we could of course but he already knew what he was getting me. He is such a good soul and I am more than blessed to have him in my life. I pray every day that I am raising him to be a good adult and he finds his purpose and lives his life with passion and is good to some woman who truly adores him and treats him with like respect.

I have a good friend who has sent me flowers every month on the 3rd since Steve died (Sept 3rd) and it is such a wonderful gesture but no amount of flowers no matter how much I love them can take my pain away. They do remind me everyday that life must be lived to the fullest, you must acknowledge those who mean the world to you on a regular basis, tell those you love how much they mean to you, make your life count, forgive, enjoy and let things go that are beyond your control. Today the clippers are really beyond my control, at least in the timeline I had expected.  

So here is to showering off my tears, with a little depuffing help of some cucumbers... picking my head up,  getting ready for my appointment, nailing the consultation and scoring some new business,  and finding someone this afternoon to help me unscrew my blade so I can put it back together, shave my horse, relieve his body heat in this 90+ degree weather we are enjoying and go back to being right in my mind reminiscing of all the great birthdays I have celebrated with loved ones so far and knowing that good things are still to come. I am still here and as I have said several times, my purpose hasn't been fulfilled yet so I will pick myself up, dust myself off and trek forward. I still have people to connect and lives to inspire. God isn't finished with me yet. 

“A flower’s appeal is in its contradictions — so delicate in form yet strong in fragrance, so small in size yet big in beauty, so short in life yet long on effect.”– Terri Guillemets

Learning Lessons

Life is all about learning lessons. I know that I will never parent like Steve would have if I was gone. Or even how we would have parented together blending our styles if he was still here. It was nice to have someone to share, compare thoughts, ideas, disciplines, and praises with. I know that he and I didn't always agree on the how and process of raising Paxton but I pray to God everyday that I am guided to do the right job and shape him into a wonderful adult. Not everything is in my control and I can only be responsible to help shape his life partially, there are a lot of other outside factors that will contribute to his shaping as well. We learn a lot of lessons not from what we are taught but what we experience. Things often happen beyond our control, but things also happen because we are just a little off in our thoughts, ways, interpretations, what we think we can do, accomplish or handle simultaneously. Sometimes we cut corners to save time, sometimes we mis-judge and sometimes we are just plain lazy or we go with the crowd to please someone else. Sometimes our intentions are so pure and our end results in our head are much more "pretty" than how it really turns out. 

We didn't end up flying to Chicago this past week, or spending time with my family in Indiana. We did somehow turn a week with absolutely no plans into a week full of friends and activities. I know Paxton is just like me in the social aspect of loving to be around people. Don't get me wrong I enjoy a little alone time but you often don't realize how much it means to have someone there all the time until they are gone. Almost 24 years together and 20 that we lived together! Even though we had our own interests as well, we were always available to one another at any given moment to share, discuss and enjoy life as it was handed to us. Even if we were home together and doing different things we could speak freely whenever we wanted, share ideas or hopes and dreams- and when not together, the other was always just a phone call away. When that person is gone, they are GONE and your life changes in more ways than most people realize. You don't just lose a person, you lose YOUR person and everything you have built your life around for so many years. You can be surrounded by the most wonderful group of friends, acquaintances and supporters but no matter how hard they try, it is not the same and never will be again. Not to give myself a pity party it is just a huge observation of what actually changes in your life when the person is gone...Everything. 

I recently purchased a ranch vehicle to make it easier for Paxton to haul things around our property but not have to rely on me to get the truck everywhere, and although I think he is a pretty good driver for 12, he has driven golf carts, a lawn mower, go-karts, and a  Polaris side by side already but giving him the keys to the Tundra doesn't seem quite what I am ready to do. I was driving a lawn mower at probably 8 years old and a car at 13 on backroads, but my mom also taught me in a small car, not a 4 door full size truck at his age. This purchase allows him to romp around the neighborhood with friends with like vehicles as well as haul animal feed out to the barn from our driveway, move heavy items, load up the little detachable trailer and pick up dog and horse poop and dump it. In fact he can even drag our property at times. It is multipurpose and a good purchase in my mind. We bought it used, but I wasn't looking for a brand new shiny ranch vehicle anyway, saving money is always a plus. 

Rewind to last Monday when we decided to go get said vehicle. I purchased it, he loaded it up and secured it to our trailer so glad his dad taught him to use tie-down straps... and he retained it. I have been shown several times, but somehow every time I go to use them whatever I learned has to be re-learned. Sometimes there is so much going on in my brain I don't always fully pay attention.  We brought it home, unloaded it and he started using it right away, obviously he had to go around and show it off to friends in the neighborhood, but he did do some work with it on our property as well. Dang, the things that motivate us to do our chores... lol. Anyway after dinner I was inside doing dishes with Alexa blaring country music in my ear. As I was jamming out to be motivated to do my chore, I answered a phone call as  he came in crying... UGH! 

My heart sank. Seriously.... what in the world. He proceeded to tell me how stupid he was, how he messed up, how his dad would be so livid with him and that he ruined it. I didn't even know what he was talking about but quickly hung up my call with a promise that he was ok and I would call back in a little bit. The neighbor across the street and down one house heard the crash and quickly came to make sure he was ok! I didn't even hear a thing! Geez! Apparently he only opened one side of his dad's gate, you know the one that Steve spent months on welding, took to get powder coated, perfecting it and making it look amazing and we cussed up a storm trying to hang just right (with only my help- that damn thing is so heavy!) and he banged into the other side because he misjudged his turning radius. Needless to say he bent the rod that holds the two gates in place and they don't quite line up perfectly anymore, but they do still shut. I also reminded him that the gate itself ended up with a small dent in it from transport to get powder coated anyway. I am most positively sure it can be fixed and the average person would never know the difference, but just like my wedding ring that had to be cut off several years ago when my hand swelled up so big it was cutting off my circulation the bands never quite aligned perfectly like they once had, and I notice, but am extremely grateful they could even put it back together. 

Steve would have been furious and probably some serious spankings or at least a harsh grounding would have been in the immediate future, because his immediate reaction would have went straight to his pride and his hard work that was altered in the blink of an eye because of his sons lack of being careful. I loved him to death, but his Grace and Mercy wasn't always immediate. Steve was always a fast crazy driver to me, but in his 20+ years he was never in an accident involving him hitting another vehicle. He always seemed aware to me of his surroundings, but like all of us, he wasn't always on top of his game. He did get rear ended once in his little work truck, backed into our garage door at our old house, stopped to fast and caused boards from a trailer to hit his tail gate and dent his Ford, oh and jack knifed our trailer with my truck tail gate down and dented that. So guess what Paxton, your dad wasn't perfect either, none of us are.  

My immediate reaction was to make sure he was ok first of all, hug him and reassure him that he was in fact not all the negative things he just spewed out of his mouth at me to make himself feel justified in being an idiot. I had him take me to view the damage, which wasn't as bad as I envisioned in my head. Was I disappointed yes of course, his dad poured his heart into making this gate. Could we rewind it and make it not have happened, absolutely not. So my parenting style kick in of laying out a circumstance and situation that you cannot erase, and helping him figure out where do we go from here. Asking him what he learned, discussing what needed to be done to fix it and making him aware of how to overcome this issue. Life's lessons often involve mistakes. 

Life is not perfect and we all make mistakes, in our everyday lives, in our careers, in our choices and in our relationships. Some things most definitely can be prevented, but if we prevent everything we would never learn a thing. Making mistakes is a huge... read that again, a huge part of what shapes us is the mistakes we make. Give yourself some grace and learn for the future. We cannot go over and over in our head what we have done wrong in our past and what we should have done for too long  because it doesn't change a thing and you will start to dwell and live there. Accept your mistake as part of life, part of your growth and move forward, lesson learned. Too many people live in their past and their mistakes and are really not present in the now or looking forward to their future. 

No one was hurt, the gate can be repaired and perhaps the little lesson that he learned will prevent something in his future from happening that he could never imagine possible if he hadn't learned it now. We may never know what that is because it won't happen, but we trust that we will be saved in a  situation in the future from what we learned from this one. 

Everyday when you wake up, be grateful that you woke up and strive to be better than the person you were yesterday and accept that you cannot move forward being better without those experiences and lessons. Turn them into something good. God needs us to help each other be better people, show not only others but ourselves Grace and live a life of Mercy through example. You cannot make someone be who they are, you can only lead by example as you can only ultimately control you, your thoughts actions and reactions. 

In old Testament bible language Grace comes from the word often showing up as "lovingkindness". Grace is a theme showing up in every book of the bible, something that connects and hang on every word you read. In the new testament it is a theme of goodwill through the undeserved gift of God to all of us once our sins have been erased through Jesus Christ. If God can give us the Grace needed to be forgiven over and over again, we can surly extend this to those in our life on a daily basis. 

For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.

– Hebrews 8:12

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

– Proverbs 17:9

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

– Luke 6:37

Trust Your Gut

Emotional exhaustion is real. Fear is real. People experience both of these and it is often not talked about as people really don't know how to respond. I spent over an hour on the phone yesterday with my cousin whose wife was just released from the hospital after battling Covid for 88 days! (they are my age) God is good. She is on a long road to full recovery but she is going to get there. Bless his heart for sticking by her every step of the way and fighting for her because I am sure he is exhausted too! We were able to talk deeply about how we both experienced our situations and the reality of what it felt like, some people may not understand or know how to respond to us... a few tears shed on my end... but for good and I am so glad we had the opportunity to connect. 

Paxton and I were suppose to land in Chicago yesterday afternoon. 10 days to visit our family. Go fishing, and just relax and do something different from our everyday adjustment. Shake it up a bit if you will. Healing comes in all types of scenarios and being with family who loves you is definitely part of healing. I had a few moments throughout last week where I felt extremely  uneasy about going. I wasn't sure if it was anxiety, intuition or a gut feeling at first. I actually dropped small hints to Paxton about maybe changing our plans to a later date. I was afraid the weather wouldn't cooperate, his first fishing experience there with his dad would be awful and I am not sure if I could handle the ramifications of that. 

This week, my mind has made me emotionally exhausted. Having 3 trades people have to reschedule on me in one week, who couldn't come last week, then worrying about being gone for 10 days- trying to get everything to fall into place to go on this trip, not being able to find a solid house sitter, and several other obstacles my stress levels were a tad higher than they have been lately, our kitty is still missing, my house is in disarray while my new flooring is being laid, going on this trip we take every two years for the first time without Steve, a busted water pipe in one of my horse pens... and two friends with strong feelings that I was being called to just stay here...from signs they received. 

The neighbors cat showed up on our patio and wouldn't leave. (it wouldn't let us get too close but Pax found reasons to believe it was ours, we didn't know it was the neighbors until later that night after we cancelled our flight... I knew it wasn’t our cat the minute I saw it but wanted to believe it was for Paxton so I did, PS and it was not a pregnant female, but a fat male- I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry) but there is a reason it showed up, pulling me back to stay. And then Paxton confessed he had the same nagging "gut" feeling we needed to stay home too, but was not telling me.  

Now gut feelings, intuition, inkling, hunch, sixth sense... whatever you call it.. it is real- you have to be tapped in and in tune with it, but when you are it reads like an open book on audio over and over in your mind. Sometimes even when we try to ignore our premonitions, they just don't go away. Sometimes they are so loud your tv shuts off for no reason just to get your attention.

 
I didn't really plan this time of year or think first about the fishing back there... I just shoved our trip in between 2 baseball tournament weekends, one day it is 26 degrees there the next it is 62... I haven't lived in the Midwest for 25 years... the things I don't think of on a daily basis anymore. If the freeze and thaw is extreme, it would be muddy, he wouldn't get to romp around wherever he wants on all the trails with my aunts golf cart and I was afraid he would get frustrated and bored, and didn't feel like this would be the best situation for teaching adaption, patience and acceptance, we are already living that on a daily basis. I just want it to be a great trip with much love, fun, relaxation and peace that is possible. And now we have no baseball to compete so we can definitely reschedule for summer. 

I knew my family would be bummed, we are too. I mean I cancelled my flight less than 12 hours before we needed to leave, thank God for Southwest's 10 minute before departure cancellation policy!  But I am almost certain, even if we never find out the reason why we couldn't go at this time, ( I feel like you are not always shown the reason, there just is one... that is Faith) that we are right where we need to be. We are not cancelling,  we are just in need of rescheduling this trip so that the timing is right.  So we will busy our spring break with things to get done around the house, (believe me there is never not something to do around our property,) lots of riding and time with the horse, spending time with amazing friends, some swimming ( not me, just the kids... I seriously need to heat my pool... lol.) maybe a little fishing, I won't have to miss the local florist's grand opening celebration at my new building in town.  2 Awesome Rodeos from Thursday-Sunday and who knows what will present us as the perfect opportunity to have not gone, I am ready to embrace this journey, no matter how much of a roller coaster it can seem like at times and  80+ degree weather cannot be beat for a spring break experience. Trust the timing of your life. It may come together more beautifully than you ever expected. 

"I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" (Jer. 29:11). In my experience, gut feelings are God's "thoughts of peace" to me. Without fanfare, still and small and strong, they come.

I can remember as far back as 11 years old having the gut feelings that I do. Sometimes they are much stronger than others. I can go in to deep conversations about it... not to bore you but to back up that it exists for those non-believers. While not every person who is intuitive experiences all of this, it is a good list of things intuitive people have in common. And I think all of us experience it to some degree, some people are just more tapped into it than others. If you stop and truly listen, this might be you. 

13 Absurdly Awesome Traits Of Highly Intuitive People

1. They Listen To And Obey Their Inner Voice. ...
2. They Closely Observe Their Surroundings. ...
3. They Pay Attention To Their Dreams. ...
4. They Are Acutely Aware Of Their Feelings. ...
5. They Can Quickly Center On The Now. ...
6. They Are Typically Optimistic Souls. ...
7. They Have A Strong Sense Of Purpose
8. They are Deep Thinkers
9. They take Note of Signs Provided by the Universe
10. They can Sense what others are Thinking/Feeling
11. They can easily Build Trust with Others
12. They are Creative and Imaginative
13. They Make Time to Find Peace with Their Circumstances

When Life Hands you a Curve Ball

                                     

What I have concluded in the last few days that really hit me hard is I am raising a mini- Steve. Did I know this previously, yes, it didn't hit me hard as something I didn't see coming, but I did have to acknowledge it finally. Does Paxton have some of my qualities yes, but the way he thinks, the anxieties he has, the way he processes and reacts to things are very similar to his father. Some of the things I wished I didn't have to deal with but at least I know how to handle after 23 years of being at his side. 

I took an Enneagram training on Tuesday that opened my eyes to my own personality attributes, to what Steve was and to what Paxton is. And although Steve and Paxton are not the same his tendencies are similar. Like me Paxton does love to help a true 2.... Unlike Steve, Paxton is a one a rule follower, he doesn't like it when someone bends the rules or does something they are not suppose to. I have known this for awhile. He is also a researcher a 5, like Steve, he wants to know he is getting the right thing the first time around. Steve was this to a T! I am not sure I knew anyone who put so much research and thought into everything they did before doing it. This was great for me, especially taking over all his hobbies, orchards, gardens, watering system, and the amount of tools we have (a little excessive but always prepared). His strengths set me up for success in his absence, even though sometimes I am lost at what to do with them. 

I have been told on several occasions that Paxton is well beyond his 12 years. Yes, he is still a kid, but his mindset can take you to someone much older sometimes. This can pose a problem when arguing with him or discipling him, because some of the things he thinks and does are not of a 12 year old mind, but I want to treat him as a 12 year old, because he is. This experience has just made it more prevalent. 

When my phone popped up on Tuesday with a random text that said "I need a break".... I knew what he was talking about, but I wanted to hear it from him. I have seen this coming for months and have tried to ignore and push him to play because of what I thought is best for him. He has voiced his concerns to his aunt, to a confidant of his and everyone has told him to play to make his dad proud. I feared him taking a break and never going back to it. I didn't want him to lose the one thing that was the biggest connection to his dad. He has lots of connections to Steve, fishing, welding, animals, golf, to name a few, but the baseball was something that was so prominent in our lives, I just couldn't bare the thought of loosing it. Maybe selfish on my part a little too. We thought he was going to have a break between fall and spring, but there were still practice type things that he was attending. So no "break" was actually there in his mind. I think that this has tipped him over the edge just a little. He sees all these other dads on a weekly basis with the boys and it is hard for him, and being new to this team last year, he really only played with one boy who knew Steve and the connection they had. He just needs time to process everything he has went through. I thought keeping his normal activities would be the best way for him to cope with everything. I was wrong. I have known for months that I was unnaturally pushing him in a direction because of what I thought was best. Personality profiling test like the one I took are definitely a good indicator and reminder that the golden rule may be to treat others like you want to be treated, but as I have said before on many occasion, people respond and perform better when they are treated the way they want to be treated. Let that sink in. 

I have one child and I am grateful. I do not envy those of you with multiples that you are trying to figure out on a daily basis plus a marriage or significant other's type. God surly did give me what I can handle in this case. We have actually had a rough couple days and I am completely exhausted from the stress and tension ( honestly I didn’t even think I had that many tears left inside me)  that coming to such a decision has caused for the both of us, but today I have felt a huge weight lift as I am certain I made the right decision for us, which through this journey thus far I have said several times is what I will be doing. No one is living our situation or life except the two of us. Those of you who know me well, know that I can be spontaneous but I am not rash. I carefully calculate a lot of the decisions I make and things I do and this was definitely one of those. I wouldn't recommend ever quitting something once it has been started, however there are always exceptions to every rule. 

Paxton's coach was more than receptive to the needs of Paxton over the needs of  the team, this exemplifies the traits of any good coach. As my friend said to me this morning," Dani, btw, you are doing the right thing, our job as parents is to make good humans, not good baseball players, start with that and the baseball will follow."

So for those of you who follow Paxton's baseball journey, know that we are hoping to resume in the Fall with the regularly scheduled program hoping his enlightenment, break and time to adjust and process without the weight of other outside pressures to perform, make him a better human, a better teammate and a better player. 

Wear the Dress

 

After back to back funerals for Steve and his Uncle back in September, the thought of going to our friends parents double memorial service gave me slight anxiety. I don't have anxiety per se on the daily like Steve had, but I do get it on occasion. Yesterday was not an exception. I woke up with it. Not that I thought I couldn't handle it or that I would break down in front of a bunch of people, I wouldn't, I didn't even at Steve's funeral. I am much more of a private crier. I teared up a little but I held myself together pretty well. And surrounded by some of Steve's friends since grade school felt good. I may still struggle with my healing every day and I will always miss him, but days like yesterday where I could laugh, smile and feel included sure help along my journey.  

Paxton wanted to go to lunch before the services and I was willing to oblige. I got ready and then he was getting ready and I could hear from the kitchen how frustrated he was getting. His favorite jeans had a hole in the crotch, his black jeans were too short, his other jeans were too baggy... he had broken or very badly bruised 3 of his fingers on Tuesday slamming them in the door at a friends house before practice. They have been hurting badly and he cannot put pressure on them or bend them at the top joint near the fingernails. His glove hand of course and he is the catcher. He was already frustrated with not being able to play this weekend in his first tournament of the season and he was having issues keeping stability in one of his fish tanks and researching all kinds of ways to get and keep it clean, he didn't get good sleep the night before and so I went in and helped him with his shirt buttons, 4-5 shirts later, his floor and bed took me back to when I was a girl and my room could be clean as could be one minute and then look like I had more clothes on the floor than hanging in my closet! He is a boy and can wear the same shirt and sweatshirt 3-4 days in a row so I knew there was something deeper going on. We talked about it and I reassured him that it was ok for him not to go. He was worried about Trent and Cami because he truly looks to them as family and didn't want to disappoint anyone. I said they were the best people to understand. He threw on other clothes, and I took him to lunch at Cory's Fudge Shop for his favorite sandwich... I was a little over dressed for DT Florence. But heck, he was more important at the moment than changing and changing again. I dropped him off back at home and went on my way. 

I have lost almost 30 lbs in the last 6 months so the amount of dressy clothes in my closet that weren't flowery or bright colored and that actually fit me was minimal. I tried on a few things for a couple of my girlfriends and they both agreed on the same, simple black dress. I was a little skeptical because it felt more like something to wear to a wedding than a celebration of life.... I think I wore it to an awards ceremony years ago for a real estate function. But I decided what the hell, if they thought I looked good and it made me feel pretty that would help my anxiety and apprehension about going to my first event of this type since Steve. I mean not only missing these two wonderful human beings that were being celebrated that I have had the chance to know over the last 24 years, my aching heart for their family and strumming up memories, sometimes if you make yourself up, look presentable and feel good in your own skin, you are one step ahead of whatever emotions may come flowing in as the day progresses. The key is to feel good in your own skin. 

I am a very humble person and sometimes I lack the confidence in myself because I don't want to seem too proud or pretentious because that is just not my nature. I have a hard time believing sometimes that I am beautiful or worthy... I think we all do. On a daily basis we don't talk to anyone more than we talk to ourselves. And as I am sure all of you may have experienced at some point or maybe struggle with on a daily basis, we allow negative self talk filled with limiting beliefs, insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety and the fear of what everyone else will think or say sink in and take over instantly make us change direction of how we want to feel. And when this self talk comes out of our mouths it definitely can affect those around us and our children especially. I remember growing up with a mom who was always on a diet, always thought she was fat and said so to herself, in her head, in the mirror and in front of me. This gets inside your head and breaks you down. I have vowed to try and talk more kindly to myself especially in front of my son, because whatever I say he will absorb and I want him to have an authentic positive complex about himself, not a negatively learned one. 

I am owning the fact that I am not the same person I was 7 months ago when Steve got sick, some of me died right along with him and some of me will blossom because of it. I wore the dress,  I owned it, I felt good in it and I was confident. Not once did I worry about what everyone else thought. I had a great time seeing everyone and talking, laughing and engaging. I am sure there was talk, but since Steve died I know there are people judging me and what I do next, it is just what people do.  And that is ok, let them, people will always talk so I may as well own my choices and be happy, because I am still here and I have things to do to fulfill my purpose. 

When you have confidence, you can do anything. Faith is a living, daring confidence in God's grace, so sure and certain that a man could stake his life on it a thousand times. Confidence is everything. Confidence is what makes that simple white tee and jeans look good.

Psalm 57:2 says, “I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.” This is key in understanding God's purpose for your life. God has numbered your days and will fulfill every purpose He has for you.

One Piece at a Time

 Kudos to you people out there who practice self-care on a regular basis. Don’t get me wrong I get my nails done and I shower and brush my teeth regularly. Oh, and I did start taking the dance class on Mondays.  But when it comes to things like massages, pedicures. girls weekends and even some thing as simple as a bath you can do in the comfort of your own home, which I think I’ve taken one time in the last year eight years I’ve lived in my house, I just don't practice anything on a regular basis. Due to the nature of my busybody lifestyle, my multiple activities as well as the amount of work it takes to live where I do and the amount of driving around to and from appointments and practices and meetings etc. and my constant need to take care of everyone else first I don’t even wash my face regularly. I lack a solid routine and I really just most days go with the flow due to my career not necessarily being routine. But even though I go with the flow I can also be somewhat of a control freak and like to plan and get things done... yes, I know it sounds confusing... welcome to my life.                                                  

Over the past weekend I was determined to get all the rest of my tile ripped out of my house, which I successfully did except a few pieces here and there that just wouldn't budge and I will wait on my friend who is laying the tile to finish those few areas. After doing the tile and riding on Sunday night then taking our swing dance class on Monday where we learned this new routine I was pretty exhausted. Picture this twisting yourself down to the ground in a succession of 3 half turns until your butt touches the back of your boot heels and then turning a half turn to swirl your way back up to a standing position in 2 turns as the guy walks around the back of you at the same time and you end up facing each other again.  I could get down but it was a hell of a time to get back up. My knee just was not having it. The 30 year old kid I was dancing with was a trooper and we had a lot of fun, I never fell once and I was able to walk the next day. So seems like win to me, plus dancing is a lot of fun it relieves any tension or stress I have that day and I get wrapped up in the moves instead of the sometimes overwhelming thoughts in my head.   

Yesterday I was determined to get as much of this scrap tile out of my house as possible, the sooner I get it out the sooner the floor can start being laid. (even though I was told it would get done, I sometimes just like to help it along because well I can) ( I just took a personality profile test for a class I am hosting next week at my office and surprise my strongest personality trait is a "helper".) I know there are several steps in between to prepare the floor for new tile, but whatever I can help do to speed up the process seems like a great plan to me. If there is a will there is a way my mom always told me.  I have told you I am strong-willed and when I really want something I seem to lose all sense of patience and want it as soon as possible. I ended up twisting my knee on one of the trips out to the dumpster. I decided to stop for the night laying in bed watching a movie and fell asleep at 8 o’clock. LOL, apparently my 42 year old body had enough of me pushing it for the last 5 days. 

Today I took Paxton to Globe so he could help butcher/cut up his pigs with "other Steve." He decided to spend the night so I tried to take advantage and practice a little self-care. That big huge bathtub, the large garden tub that came with my house 8 years ago that may have given Paxton a years worth of baths from ages 5 to 6 and has since just has been a dust collector that I cannot wait to remove and put in a huge fancy tile shower, somehow tonight the tub called my name. 

I never really have taken the time to take baths. I feel like it is time consuming from preparing for the bath, actually taking the bath, being able to withhold distractions to actually enjoy the bath and then take a shower after the bath to clean off the fact that I just sat in my own dirt for 30+ minutes... the time adds up and not only have I never felt I had the time, I always felt there were more important things to do, and honestly sitting still for too long is not one of my strengths. 

My cleaning lady just cleaned it yesterday so no need to clean it first to take a bath, (definitely one step ahead) so what better time to fill it full of bath salts and bubbles, light some candles pour a glass of my favorite wine and listen to Norah Jones. I am really loving this Alexa thing.... I unplugged her from my kitchen and took her into the bathroom with me, she plays whatever you want, it is amazing. I might need to buy another one. 

I was completely relaxed, the tranquil feeling of just letting go, not worrying about a thing and resting my already racing mind that tends to overthink and be one step ahead on a daily basis was truly good for my soul. The heat of the water against my skin and aching muscles, the fragrant smell of the lavender bubbles, the flickering glow of the candles and the soothing sounds of Norah's voice with absolutely no other distractions around reminded me how important it is to actually take the time to take care of ourselves.

 

Doing this tile project is really messing with my OCD of keeping a clean tidy house, but I figure even though I have furniture in disarray, living with my living room furniture in my bedroom,  eating at my kitchen table in my living room and piles of tile in random locations throughout, as long as I can still make my bed everyday I am going to choose to let it go. The end result is going to be amazing I can feel it and I am going to sit back and enjoy the journey, not try to rush the end result and take a little more time for myself when I have the opportunity. 

Remember you can apply this to your life. When you take the best care of yourself, you are not being selfish, you are doing what you need to so you can most definitely take the best care of others, because your mind is in a better place. Sometimes our life comes together one piece at a time. Life is short but somehow slowing down makes sense. We can definitely rush through and miss the best things along the way. Don't miss your opportunity to enjoy your journey. 

I am not sure I am completely convinced that I will not take out my tub and replace it with a big huge shower eventually, but I do think I will invest in one of those little bath pillows and learn to enjoy the tub while it is still here. 

I Hate Pigs

The last week flew by but was the longest week in a long time! Yes, read that again, it doesn't quite make sense but I am sure you have all had one. I cannot believe how much stuff I shoved into a week, how many things that didn't quite work out as planned in my head, and a few lessons I learned. 

Sometimes you just need to say screw it and go see a movie.

Stop assessing a discussion and just listen, not everyone wants a solution.

He is realizing he can push my buttons and most times I will cave-internal guilt is a thing, he lost his dad and that is not fair, but it wasn't my fault, so I need to stop trying to make up for it. I have to reel that shit back in, This weekend proved I can be loving but firm and he still loves me. 

I have the best friends a girl could ever ask for.

If I am determined to do something, I carry it out until it is complete. 

There is always time to take a break, ride the horse, drink the wine.

I am not the same girl I was 6 months ago, and that is ok.  

I hate Pigs... 

Sometimes you just have to ask for help. 

I'm on a journey and I need to trust the timing of my life. 

My week- 

Valentine's Day truly turned out ok. I didn't cry once. 

Paxton poured out his heart to me for an hour and a half in the parking lot of baseball practice and despite my desire for him to go to at least hit the last hour of practice he was honest that he didn't think he could give his coach 100%  and he didn't think his coach deserved that, so we ended up at a movie instead. 

I got to spend time with a friend who moved in June and was back visiting! It was wonderful to see her and catch up in person. 

Pig wrestling is definitely a thing. I so thought just like the steer we butchered, I could dangle food in front of them and they would just walk right into my trailer. I was so proud of being able to back it up all the way to their pen, in a tight space without hitting anything. That was a high. But after 3.5 hours, 2 friends who came to help, and trying every technique that was shared with me, I was truly angry at 
Steve for buying the things in the first place one week before he got sick, I may have cussed him out and hated him for the rest of that day,  I never intended to raise pigs and I was so freaking mad at him, and you know what that was ok for me to have those feelings.  I gave up, balled my eyes out and asked our butcher friend to come pick them up. I was over it. He got them in the trailer in about 20 minutes and I told Paxton if he ever asked me to get pigs again the answer is NO way in Hell so don't ever ask. They are 300 lbs of aggression and I swear they knew where they were going. Damn pigs! All I have to say is they better f...ing taste good after 7 months of feeding them and struggling with their stubbornness. I am sure I disappointed my in-laws who we were suppose to have dinner with on our way home from Globe after taking the pigs, but I was so mad at their son I just could not that day. My heart and mind can only handle so much at one time. I felt guilty and quickly decided that I shouldn't... I require a lot of grace these days and that is ok. I can only commit to what I can handle without it affecting my mental status. 

As a mom I am doing the best I can with what I have been handed. Dealing with your child grieving and yourself is a far greater task than just being responsible for your own grief. Boys are different than girls. At some point during the week I became MY mother and had flashbacks of how difficult I probably was as a teenage girl who lost her father. I remember yelling at her, even as an adult, we had this dynamic where we could just blow up at each other and be fine 3 minutes later, and hug and make up. I do recall the time I must have completely took it too far and she slapped me across the face, I was probably 15- I don't remember what it was over, but I can picture exactly where we were standing when it happened. ( this technique of venting and forgiving did not work with Steve no matter how hard I wanted it to sometimes! LOL. It was just a bond my mom and I shared. ) 

 Your mom is your safe space and as I watch Paxton in his day to day activities, I am complimented over and over how mature he is for his age, how smart he is, how he is able to carry on an adult conversation with no hesitation. Steve and I have done a good job, and now I am just trying not to ruin it. I remember the way I talked to my mom, lashed out, vented if you will, because I wanted to be perfect for everyone else and she was safe. I am that safe space for Paxton but being a boy who is overprotective of his mom, worried that something will happen to me and leaning into the fact that the more time he spends with me the less likely something will happen when we are apart. Some days he is just too much boy for me and I just want to smack him across the face.  I can imagine what he is going through but it has been a long time since I have dug into those deeply buried feelings of almost 30 years ago. I was not an 11 almost 12 year old boy when my dad died but I do remember the fear of losing my mom. I was able to reach out to a friend who lost his mom when he was 12 and I hope they can share some discussions to help Paxton realize he is not alone. I think this form of therapy (having someone who actually went through a similar situation at the same age, is way more powerful and effective than any actual therapy session I would pay for could be.) 

To be completely honest I had flashbacks this week of the way I fought with my mom, how much responsibility I had as a teenager, and how I don't really remember doing things as a teen that were typical teen things. She worked two jobs, I cooked, cleaned, did laundry, mowed an acre of lawn, disposed of mice in our farm house, worked my first job at 14, baby sat and was in a lot of extra curricular activities. I may have always had that busy-body personality and I probably still do. I stay busy, it keeps my mind looking ahead and not having so much time to think how unfair life can be or have a pity party for myself. Paxton already had a lot of chores and responsibilities around here based on how we live and what we have to take care of. I need him to step up and take over a few of his dad's chores, but I cannot give them all to him and I want him to enjoy being a kid. That should not be taken from him. No matter how mature he is, he needs the grace to be able to be a kid, make mistakes and learn from all his experiences. 

 My mom struggled but she made it work, she was determined to fulfill what her mind conjured up as the best for her and I, and nothing stood in her way that was the Polack in her. That heritage came out this weekend when we started my floor project ripping out all the old tile.  I had to work the first day so I wasn't extremely helpful. But when no one was available to help Saturday or Sunday, I was determined to get it done and just did it. It is a completely empowering feeling. I didn't walk away unscathed but feeling like I did 3000 squats, some cuts, bruises and a few blisters later, it was worth the feeling of accomplishing something I set out to finish. Now it all just has to be swept up or carried out to a dumpster I rented. I think I will designate most of that to these two teenage boys who seem to hang out and eat all my food on a daily basis. LOL. 

My friend rescued me to help tackle the very last bathroom, when she came to ride with me last night but I finished the weekend in a peaceful place. Very few things compare to the view on top of a horse and the serenity of the ride and the bond you share with a horse. I enjoyed a glass of my favorite wine on my back patio, listening to the peaceful sound of Paxton's fish pond waterfall. And here is to the start of a new week and what it will bring my way. It isn't what comes your way but how you react to it and what you take away and use to grow, heal and push forward. 

I got this. 

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. 

2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith not by sight. 

Deuteronomy 31:6, 8 Be strong and bold; have NO fear or dread of them, because it is the Lord your God who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. 

An example of great love

So this is my first Valentines Day without Steve. Steve and I never really made a huge deal out of Valentines. Maybe the first few years when we were dating, but just like most couples you fall into a routine of comfort and the chase subsides. He was very consistent on giving me a card and sometimes flowers and I know he spent a lot of time at the store trying to pick out a card that said just the right thing and he would always write something nice in it that reminded me how much he truly loved me… even when he didn’t do it on a daily basis with his words, his cards would say it all. I don’t remember ever not receiving a card except that one time we got in a huge fight around Valentine’s Day and honestly I can’t even remember what it was about, but I gave him a card and I didn’t receive one in return. A little over a year later I found a card in his truck that looked brand new and never written in. I asked him what that was from and he reminded me of how mad he was at me he never gave it to me.I seriously wish I remember what I did wrong, it doesn’t matter but it made me giggle because that year he gave me that same exact card, so apparently he forgot that one was in the truck but it stood out enough he bought it again. This year I didn’t receive my card, the flowers or the touch I truly miss. I did send someone else flowers to brighten their day, took Paxton to a mother/son Valentines lunch and I met a dear friend for a Galentine’s drink and I reflected on a 50 + year long relationship that had a bittersweet ending. It turned out to be a good day. 

Love is 

1. an intense feeling of deep affection.

2. a great interest and pleasure in something.

The Bible says 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Love never ends.

Over the past few weeks I have been able to experience a friend’s parents deep love for one another closer than I ever have before. Their relationship wasn't complicated because they put each other first and offered each other an unspoken respect. Sometimes simple is all we need to equal success. We often take relationships to the extreme complicating them with assumptions and outlandish expectations of one another, instead of focusing on the simple things and just leaning into our gut feelings, In most cases great sex probably helps too. 

Sometimes a bond cannot be broken once established no matter what life throws your way. 50 + years of marriage there isn’t anything they wouldn’t do for one another. After knowing them for almost 24 years I have witnessed this love through the banter they had with one another, the laughter and  kindness they displayed behind it and the open relationship they had with their kids. I have always enjoyed their presence when I was given the opportunity. I can tell you no matter the situation their love worked, so much so that when he passed away she followed him yesterday only 11 days later just in time for Valentine’s Day! Dying of a broken heart is a real thing! But their hearts are now mended and whole together again.  I can’t think of a better example of true love. They leave behind a legacy with some pretty big shoes to fill, but with an easy example to follow. 

This Valentine’s Day and everyday challenge yourself to love your partner unconditionally, respect your differences, be grateful for their love in return, stay interested, remember what attracted you in the first place, don’t assume what they are thinking, say what you need, don’t place ridiculous expectations on one another and truly enjoy each other’s company. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side it is greener where you water it. Keep it simple because love is just what 1 corinthians says and exactly what my friend’s parents displayed. And even though they leave behind a heartbroken bunch and were taken away far to early there is no denying they served their purpose and will live on in the hearts of those who love them and those that come after them. 

Baby Chicks Make it Better!

Starting a Monday coming off a 5 day spree of constant people around and things to do, both for Paxton and I, is always not the best feeling when all of a sudden everyone is gone, it is just us two and life resumes its routine schedule. What I dread is Paxton walking down the hall in the morning, tears streaming down his face as I sit and drink coffee and work on my computer. I am sure all of you have had dreams that are so real when you wake up you feel you can touch the person, they will be right next to you, you are happy, in awe or even mad at the person for something they did in the dream that could never really happen. I can't remember if I blogged about the dream I had a month or so after Steve died where he came home but was living in the loft above our RV garage (we don't have one of those) recovering, and he asked me to call his hairdresser from the hospital because he needed a hair cut and I found out he was cheating on me with her! I felt so betrayed and angry and that reflected when I woke up to realize he really isn't here. Part of me would have been okay with it if it was real just to see his face or hold his hand one more time.  

Paxton was angry that he dreamed about him just to wake up and it not be real. I tried to spin in into something positive that his dad was visiting him and that was a good thing. He really wasn't having it so I gave up and let him have his sad moment, which kind of turned into a sad day but ended in a decent night. He worked with Hope on some ground work, he skipped boxing, went along with me for an appointment in Mesa and we stopped by to  hang out with grandma and grandpa for a little while, go to lunch, went to shoppers for feed, (we may have brought home some baby chicks!, I have a soft spot for animals- I declared I wanted to be a Veterinarian in the 6th grade- when my dad died and I graduated I wanted the fasted way to make money to help my mom and 6 years of school wasn’t really in my cards- so an Ag business degree was my alternative.) 

 I skipped my Monday for Mom at the dance studio (Michelle couldn't make it either),I could have went by myself, but I figured I am a mom, because of this boy, who needed me. I took him to speed and agility practice and we ate popcorn and watched a comedian on tv before bed, just what we needed, some laughs together.  As he grows up these moments will probably be fewer and fewer, but I hope he will still always need his mom, I know I could use mine right about now.

 I looked forward to Tuesday, it wasn't a lot easier. Things went decent during the day, I had several appointments that kept me away from home from 8:30-3. I hate early days when I have something by 9 every morning. This doesn't allow me too much time to spend with him on school, but he gets it done. I haven't worked out with him once this week, and had every intention of doing it this morning, but last night events were not conducive to me waking him up extra early. 

Paxton had his first real 2.5 hour practice of the baseball season. He has been conditioning during break and hitting/catching a little. But last night was intense. I dropped him off ran to home depot for a timer for my chicken coop light- that danged thing is going to be the death of me! UGH! I really hate fixing things.. I also had to fix the hall toilet. I vowed that as soon as my new flooring goes in, so will 3 new toilets. I am seriously not a plumber!

 Anyway. I came back and as much as watching practice is not my thing I know that his dad did it. I want to not have to be his dad, but I also know how important it is to him for me to present as much as possible. So I wasn't gone long. He did great catching the pitchers, blocking, sprinting, fielding and hitting in the cage for the most part. He put effort into it, true effort and I could tell. I was so proud of him. He sounded awful when he got in the car and had tears in his eyes. He asked if I had his inhaler, and I didn't. He has used it once in the last year and a half and I just haven't been keeping it in my purse. Now I know better. He was crying and I asked if he needed me to go to an ER, or could we make it home. Yes, his breathing was bothering him and I don't think even though he was used to riding his bike a lot lately and getting back into boxing that the sprinting and running was easier. He said he would be fine, he was crying because he regretting telling Steve no or giving him a hard time when he wanted to take extra time to work with him at home on drills or go to the local baseball field. Paxton said that he wished he would have said yes more. Now he realizes that. He wished he could still practice with him and learn a thing or two more from him. I know he sees all these dad coaches working with their kids and I can't imagine it is easy. 

I told him his feeling were valid, but he is just a kid, and kids don't often realize the importance of putting in the extra time when they are a kid, they have interests they are exploring and friends and also want to have a good time and that is ok. I encourage well rounded. We talked about loosing his dad and I brought up the fact I lost my dad at 14, I said I was only a few years older than you. Once I said it I regretted it (especially since I tell everyone all the time, "I was a girl who lost her dad and still had her mom, I can empathize in some ways, but I have no idea what is going on in his head, he lost his dad, his buddy, his idol, his fishing partner and baseball buddy, his welding teacher, his everything!) I can't imagine. He lashed back at me that I was in high school when my dad died and he was 11! 11! How could I possibly relate! I immediately apologized and told him he was right I have absolutely no idea what he is going through and I didn't mean to compare.  He apologized for snapping. I thanked him for always telling me what is bothering him and letting me at least help him cope, or suggest ways to cope. I also let him know that if all he wanted me to do is listen, I could do that as well, but because of my nurturing nature I am always wanting to fix or ease him, so he needed to open up by saying he wants to share something with me but only needs me to listen. We discussed in depth a few other things I don't need to expand on here. 

All in all it was good for both of us. The more he opens up the more I can help him learn to live along side his grief. I bring this whole conversation we have up because a lot of times we put grieving people into a box based upon what they have experienced. But honestly everyone has different feelings, things that they find important, different memories, different ways of dealing or adjusting to trauma and all the stuff that comes with it. We can not categorize people, put unrealistic expectation on them or even begin to know what each individual may be thinking or going through. We all experience it differently, loosing my best friend at age 11, is not loosing my dad at that age, loosing my dad at 14 was not the same as loosing my mom when I was 35, or my husband when I was 42- it isn't even the same as my mom loosing my dad when she was 45, no matter how close in age we were at the time of the events. We can not put the needs of the grieving in a clump and treat everyone who grieves the same. Because we all react differently. And that is ok. That is what makes us unique and allows us to do what we need to continue our journeys forward. 

It is inevitable that people in our lives will die it is part of the circle of life, yes my favorite Disney movie is the Lion King, lol. It is how we react, how we deal with it, how we live along side grief as it never goes away. What we chose to pull from the situations, traumas, lows and highs in life are unique to us. But we can chose to cherish the beautiful memories, make the most of the rest of our existence by finding our purpose and knowing that person who left us, the one or ones who we grieve have made some impact on our life that will bless us going forward and they would not want us to live in sadness all the time. But it is ok to be sad, angry, frustrated and regret things we did or did not do as long as it isn't our main focus of our existence. 

It has been 6+ months since Steve has stepped foot in our house and I have had one extreme opinion to another, from people who are ready to fix me up with someone and those who can't believe I can get out of bed everyday and actually function. I have my opinion on both of these things, but I will keep that to myself for now. There is no right or wrong in my opinion as everyone of us have different needs and God is in control of our plan. I am just me, trying to live life as best as possible, keeping busy which is what I do best, cherishing the good, allowing myself to have grace for my sad moments and being the best mom I know how through this journey, which honestly will never end, it will just get easier, eventually. 

What can you do? Check in with me randomly. Sometimes when you are thinking about someone- reach out- the Universe is telling you something. What you can do for Paxton right now they say it takes a village I need those dad like figures who are willing to help him carry on the things he likes to do. He may not always be available but he does love fishing, baseball, golf, roping, rodeoing 4-wheeling or trips on the side-by-side so if you are doing any of that stuff feel free to include him. 

I truly believe that God will put the people in our life that we need the most, and hopefully we can be positive influences in their lives as well. 

Messy Moments

 

It’s all the little things I miss that could just get done because of the little bit more knowledge that Steve had for certain things than I did. It something broke he fixed it, if it needed attention he figured it out, if it needed to be put together he was able to do it. Not always with a smile on his face or a few words of disgust, but he did it. I miss his design creativity,  his dedication to his projects to get them done and his insight on all the decisions we made.  There are countless hours of research he did when he really wanted to make something work. I don’t have that ambition for these types of things.  In a way we were a lot alike. Passion about some thing willing to put the time and energy into making it happen. Some thing that we weren’t interested in procrastination was always a key factor. I think those are traits of most people anyway. 

He could re-search for hours how to take care of garden plants or orchard trees. Steers and pigs and how to raise them for meat, how to cook, smoke, grill meat, what spices brought out the most flavor and so on.  I have a cabinet full of probably 27 no joke different kinds of car wash and shine and wax for his truck, trying to get just the right thing to make it shine. He had pride in all he did.  Did I ever mention it took him about four hours to wash his truck. If you’ve got the slightest fingerprint around the door handle he wasn’t a happy camper. PS, he is probably rolling his eyes at me taking the truck through the carwash. 

I’m passionate about writing and passionate about real estate, passionate about my animals. When it comes to fixing or hanging things my patience level seems to drop tremendously. 

This past week I was on an ultimate high, we had the grand opening of my new real estate office of which I am the branch manager, over 60 people in attendance. A win in my book. Lots of great welcomes and lots of support and congratulations. 

I took a dance class and gained a little confidence in my otherwise not standard of coordinated experience. I went out with friends, I took a gun safety class, and I put my foot forward in a business venture that I know I won’t regret, and maybe I’ll share with you later. I fixed my toilet after only two trips to True Value as the hose leaked and then the fitting didn’t quite work on the float so both had to be replaced. After trying a few tools, channel locks that’s what you need just in case any of you need to know. I hung some pictures in my room I hung a new light in my chicken coop those buggers apparently go on strike if they don’t have enough light during the day to lay eggs. I remember that being a part of one of Steve and I’s conversations but didn’t really realize it the time it first started getting darker earlier and staying darker later. And then once I realized it the light wasn’t working. He just knew and took care of a lot of things. All things that he would just fix. Plumbing wasn’t necessarily his favorite but he carried a lot more knowledge than I do about these types of things. It was definitely lovely, stimulating and enriched my confidence kind of week.

It is not to say that there are not things that I can figure out on my own be shown how to do with the option of doing it myself the next time, asking a friend or being able to pull out a checkbook.  Yes, i still wrote checks. However I am to the point in my life just because I can do them doesn’t mean I necessarily want to. I don’t have anybody to prove to that I can do these things on my own and have some status of bad ass next to my name. To be honest I am already a bad ass in a lot of things I do. I don’t have to excel in everything nor do I want to. LOL...

Yesterday I hit my breaking point, my lowest point that I have experienced in a few weeks  and it hurts. No necessary triggers, it just comes on when it feels like it and sometimes although I do stress we can control our reactions and attitudes there is a since of overwhelming sadness that can just creep in and isn't as easily shakable. The aching for him, his companionship his touch really just set in. I miss the attention, the passion, the love and the giving of love in return. Our banter, our conversations, discussions, dreams and even those damned arguments. I could definitely go into greater details but those blogs are not posted. No one needs the MA version, no matter how transparent I want to be. 

Maybe it is because I haven’t written in over a week, which as I have said is my best therapy, Maybe it is because my cat howled for 4 nights in a row because she is in heat- (and yes I forgot to take her to get fixed the week steve died and just haven’t done it since- judge if you want to, kittens are cute) and my sleep pattern was interrupted, or maybe it was just the time I needed to let out all my frustration, sadness and unfairness about my life. My friend listened as I balled my eyes out, mascara streaming down my face, whining about how unfair my life feels at the moment no matter how many good things I have going for me... and on and on. Lucky you to be on the phone with me at the time. But seriously thank you. I am so grateful to have all the friends in my life who I can spread out my wants, needs and frustrations to and not feel like I am overwhelming or needy all of the time to everyone. 

Today I will pick myself up, dust myself off and go forward with a heart of gratitude for the things I have, the people who surround me and the life I have made despite what I have lost. Why? Because I am still here, I still have a purpose and I cannot live consumed in sadness everyday. It just visits then needs to go away. 

Thanks for taking this journey with me, even if you never understand, and mostly if you do and somehow it resonates with you that whatever you feel, it really is ok, you are not alone and it is normal to feel the way you do, even if everyone's feelings are not exactly the same. 

This is healing, somedays it may be ugly and somedays it may be peachy, but learning to live beside grief is a journey that cannot be shared just experienced.

Isaiah 41:10 - God strengthens you

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. God has promised us His strength. He will never give you a trial you are unable to handle.