So not sure how many of you mamas are like me, but sometimes
my “to do” list is 2 pages long, double-sided college ruled! Who in their right mind thinks that they can
accomplish that in a week sometimes let alone a day. But like the bulk of us,
we try, we push, we stress, we perform like we can shove it all in. Having a
job like mine where you are constantly on the go, your day could change from
one minute to the next depending on your client needs, or whatever else may be
thrown you way. It is the negative beauty, I call it working for yourself with
a flexible schedule… most often I say I work for myself which in essence is
true, but I am delegated and obligated by the needs of my clients, who
essentially are the ones who pay my bills, so I do my best to always be able to
jump at the spur of a moment if necessary.
When you have a long list of things to accomplish, sometimes
things get put off for a later date, the end of the list or get rolled to the
next day, and the next and the next… you get the picture. One of these things
is cleaning out the fish tank. Is it a hard job? Not really, it is just often
inconvenient at times, and time consuming. You have to vacuum the rock, drain
some water, condition and replace the water… then when your vacuum breaks and
you have to go buy a new one that adds to your list of “to do” which I said I try to prioritize, try being the key
word. I put buying the new aquarium vacuum off until I had enough time to make
it to a pet store to purchase. Finally this week I was able to take the time to
swing into Petco… where the clerk convinced me to buy the more expensive vacuum
that is automatic and hooks up to your sink and vacuums, removes old water and
can be refilled automatically verses the manual one where you have to pump it
out and refill the tank with buckets of water. Of course they were out of them. Insert eye
roll here, story of my life. So I purchased the manual one just in case and ordered
the sink one from Amazon Prime. I waited until Friday when it came to try it
out before opening the manual one, because if you are anything like me you want
to save money and if the sink contraption was as amazing as the lady said, you
would definitely return the manual one for a refund. Who wants to spend money
twice right?
Friday came and I was so excited to open the box and get
started, yes me who likes to put cleaning the fish tank off because it is
somewhat inconvenient! After busting open the package, you know these things
are never consumer friendly, the hard
plastic coating that doesn’t really cut well with normal kitchen scissors, if
you try using a knife you pray you don’t slice your hand open in the process…
After struggling with the opening for 5 minutes finally success! Next step,
hook the attachment up to the faucet and make sure the 50 foot cord reaches to
the tank…hmmm FAIL! Why because the attachment is nowhere near compatible with
your fancy pull out faucet.. well shoot, onto the bathroom, then the garage
sink, then the other bathroom to find out to your dismay that the darn Amazing
faucet vacuum that you just spent $45 on
from Amazon (by the way it was $79 at Petco) is not compatible with a single faucet in your
entire house… and now you have to go through the hassle of returning it! UGH
you just want to scream right then and there, and between you and me I just
might have.
So my time saving dream is crushed and I reluctantly open up
the manual vacuum that I purchased just in case but secretly planned to return
because I wouldn’t need it. The thing of course isn’t put together so then I
have to cut the tubing, put it together and get started… but don’t really read
the directions and to my dismay it isn’t suctioning like it should. After getting
frustrated for what is like the 3rd time since opening my time
saving package… I realize that I didn’t put the suction ball on the other two
ends the right way. UGH! Yet again! After trying to suction it so many times,
the tubing was suctioned enough that pulling it apart to put it back together
the right way…wasn’t working- this is the point where taking the time to write
about it now seems super amusing, however at the time my frustration was so
over the top I probably could have exploded, I may have muttered a few not so
nice words under my breath and probably could have thrown the thing across the
room if I wasn’t trying my best not to break it! After finally getting through
my struggle I felt like I did a great job of getting the tank cleaned, the new
water conditioned and looking back to its normal self.
Fast forward to the next morning. Steve was out of town and
I had to get Paxton up early for baseball practice. I walk out of my room and
over to the tank to feed the fish… a normal morning routine…except with a quick
glance of the tank a 3 African Cichlids are dead, why am I pointing out the
kind of fish we have? Well because they are not $2 fish from Wal-Mart- most of
these types of fish tend to be $30-$75 apiece and sometimes even more depending
on their size! Ouch! Immediately my inner guilt crept up and I burst into
tears! Not only did I kill 3 fish I wasted a bunch of money! How did this
happen? I had absolutely no ill intention; I was just trying to make their home
cleaner! It had been dirty for a while and I surly stirred up too much crud!
Seriously all 3 of them! What in the world! I am an unfit pet owner, a fish
killer and 8 year old dream killer. I apologized profusely over and over again
to Paxton that I was sooo sorry! The women who brings her kid and hubby’s
favorite chicken, Floppy, into her
bathtub for over 2 weeks because she was hurt…the nurturer who for
a few weeks now has have been battling the decision to sleep or not to sleep
with our 13 year old cancer ridden dog, Chopper. Picking up after his accidents,
picking him up off the floor when he falls and can’t get up on his own, feeding
him special things just so he would eat- it has been a 3 week struggle of
hanging on or preserving his quality of life- this is definitely another story
for another time. Me, the dog mom who sometimes wakes up 2-3 times in the
middle of the night to let the other dog Tracker out to pee, gives him special
medicine for allergies. It however made me cry even harder that I killed 3
fish, what if it was one of our other animals! As a mama I am protective of everything we
have. I am responsible for over 20 animals and I just allowed 3 in my watch
perish… and why? Because cleaning the fish tank was an inconvenience or burden
sometimes as it just didn’t fit in my priority schedule.. I felt super low..I
beat myself up with my words and then I remembered.. I am human I make mistakes…
I am good in so many ways and the self-talk turned to a more positive note. Learn
from this I told myself. Will I return to feeling guilty or play it over and
over in my head what I should have, could have or needed to do differently, you
bet I probably will but my priority is to ask forgiveness and believe I already
have been given it, by the poor fish, my son, my husband, God and of course,
myself.
And then I remembered; For the grace
of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. – Titus 2:11.
I am saved. I am forgiven, I am loved. I
embrace the Grace that I am given.
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