Mama Bear

I grew up with parents who struggled, who argued, who loved, one who wore emotions on their sleeve and another who harbored them inside . A mother who yelled (I see this trait in myself and I struggle often with trying to not be the yeller- and it seems to haunt me every time) ( A father who would shut down- escape to the T.V. or “go for a drive” to cool off when they argued).  I remember the good and tough times. I say though times, because bad times to me reflects something that you are trying to get out of, something that you no longer want. Tough times to me mean that you are trying to resolve a situation or find a better way, but you are not wanting to quit, give up or leave.

As I got a little older my parents became part of a group called Marriage Encounter where they gave weekends for married couples, not only to enrich marriages but to decrease the gap in communication sometimes married couples experience as well as increase the amount and quality of communication they displayed with one another.  They would dialogue a lot through written communication by basic questions they answered to each other in notebooks they kept to themselves. They would write, read the other persons and then discuss what they were feeling about the other one’s answers together, it helped them process their thoughts verses lashing out at the other person verbally and they always had the understanding that no matter what they read, the other person’s feelings were neither right nor wrong. Years later when my mom died, I shredded 2 entire boxes of notebooks that she had kept after my died passed away. For a hot second I wanted to read some of those dialogues to understand my parents better, to maybe improved my own communication with my husband- but I decided that communication alone was something totally intimate and totally unique to their relationship and I chose not to. The biggest thing I learned in the years that they were a part of this group, as they improved communication in our home, with one another and the way they looked at outside situations, the way they treated me as well as what I learned when they prepared for their presentations- even though at my young age I was not involved in most of what they discussed in preparation (some of it was too personal and some of it things a 8-13 year old kid doesn’t need to know about their parent’s intimacy) was that feelings are neither right nor wrong! We cannot control someone else’s feelings or mindset! We can control how we act or react. We can control what we do and say, but not how it makes someone else feel. No matter how good of intentions we have when we present our self to someone else, there is always a chance that they will not receive it the way we intended.

Even after what I learned as a child, now that I am married with a family, my first instinct is to want to be protective of my husband and son when someone else hurts their feelings, I want to not only make them feel better, take away any hurt or try to get them to understand and look at things from someone else’s view. I cannot however control, change or expect them to feel another way then they do.

 Life is hard you guys! Sometimes we don't always cope the way we expect or want to or play out in our head. With some recent complications that our family has experienced, I want more , than anything to make things turn out differently, I want to be a protective “MAMA BEAR” I am a fixer, I am a peace maker, I want everyone to see eye to eye- forgive and forget and move on- but I have to remember that we are all unique individuals with our own thoughts, feelings, emotions, understandings, skills, talents and differences. With that said if we all thought, acted, felt, celebrated, lived, grieved, loved and approached our circumstances the same, we may as well be robots living a very mundane and boring life. I need to remember that sometimes just stepping back and letting things unfold as they are suppose to is the best decision I can make on behalf of my family dynamic no matter how much it pains me to want to protect and control the situation and fix the issues.

The very thing that sometimes tears people, friends, and relationships apart is the very thing that we need to celebrate… being unique individuals that all contribute in some way to this circle of life. The universe revolves because we all bring something different to it. We cannot always control our situation or our circumstances, we don’t always know why things have to work out the way they do, we cannot rewind; go back; erase and start over… we can only go forward, celebrate who we are as individuals, be respectful of those who we have a difference of opinion with whether we continue with that relationship getting past our differences, or we must eliminate those relationships that we cannot repair due to not understanding where someone else is coming from, our huge egos of wanting to believe what we are thinking is right and someone else’s thoughts are not.

We think and feel based on every notch that has happened on our timeline called life, everything we have experienced affects the way we act, feel and respond- whether in a good way or a bad way. And since we haven’t all experienced the same notches on our timeline, we cannot expect that everyone will do everything the same!

Through all the things I have been through in my life, I have to remember every day that this is a new chance to be a good person, to try to help others in every way that I can, to give life 100% to count my blessings and to be me. No matter how hard I want to fix something or someone, I can only change myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, my actions, reactions and ideals. We are each only responsible for our self… we can choose to be a good example or not, we can love unconditionally or not, we can embrace life, or we can crawl inside our heads with worry, negative thoughts or self-talk that can ruin our lives, our relationships or our accomplishments. As a human race we are flawed, we all experience pain, set-backs, hurt and struggles. It is when we allow those things to take over instead of letting go and bouncing back or learning to cope and adjust to other people’s reactions, decisions, ideas and personalities that we continue to make the world revolve in harmony with one another.

Remember you can choose how you live your life, but not how someone else lives theirs or responds to yours. Don’t force the world to conform to your ideals, embrace a world that exists based on everyone’s differences. We are all contributing parts of the whole.

Excerpts from 1 Corinthians 12 Now concerning^[a] spiritual gifts,^[b] brothers,^[c] I do not want you to be uninformed…¹² For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ… ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? ¹⁸ But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. ¹⁹ If all were a single member, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts,^[e] yet one body. ²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. ²⁸ And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. ²⁹ Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? ³⁰ Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? ³¹ But earnestly desire the higher gifts.