Bring the Rain

 

I didn’t sign up for this. I wasn’t prepared… really I wasn’t. No little girl’s happily ever after ever prepares her for her spouses death. Death is inevitable, death is expected, but it is also confusing, frustrating, unnerving, and harder when the picture we have in our head of how our life is supposed to be in interrupted by it at an non-expected time.

I remember how I always envisioned growing old with my spouse doing grandma and grandpa things, enjoying the things that we loved and worked hard for and dying at home or in a hospital in our 80’s or 90’s. When it is in your 40’s it just doesn’t fit the plan. Steve’s parents have been married 55 years and I envisioned that… especially after my mom lost my dad at such a young age… that wouldn’t also happen to me, right? Or so I thought.

I have been struggling lately with the plan… what is the point of the plan? Why do we plan if it isn’t going to work out anyway? Why do we worry, wait, hold back and carefully calculate the things we do?  For the right time may never come if we put it off until we are ready, until something else happens first, until we are in the right moment, have more money, look better,  or any other circumstances we think need to happen first before we can truly be happy. We could run out of time at any moment as we have no idea when it is our time.

This past week there have been major signs of Paxton harboring anger that I have never seen thus far to the extent that came over the course of the past couple weeks. I watched it build up, not quite sure how to respond but not doing it in the way that was getting the reactions I wanted. Why doesn’t he want to be helpful I thought in my head, I have been through so much that it would be such a blessing for something to just be easy. But life isn’t easy and for me to expect to have a kid who lost his dad just sail through this with no hiccups, always listen to what he is told, never push my buttons, bounce back quickly when he gets upset or to always do the right thing is very unhealthy.

 He asked to go talk to our pastor and I fully supported taking him without any question as to what he was going to talk about. I don’t feel like I need to know everything that he wants to discuss with someone other than me unless it somehow is a danger to himself or someone else.  He is very insistent on not wanting to speak to anyone who hasn’t been through his experience or anyone who doesn’t understand what he is going through, and I respect that. I am not sure the psychologist my mom took me to when my dad died really helped, they stuck me on some anti-depressants which made me weird, and I weaned myself off anyway. Lots of schooling and statistics doesn’t necessarily make you relate to someone and always know how to help them handle their situation. I am sure some people would disagree but again, you do you and I will do me.

I think I have mentioned before that he has been having some control issues about where I go and what I do and what he does, what he puts off, what I must tell him to do 10 times before he actually does it. How much of this is being a scared, anxious little kid who lost his dad and how much of it is a moody pre-teen who just wants to push my buttons… a mix of both, but as a mom who really wants to raise a child to be a great adult someday… I need to change my approach. What I have been doing the last 9 months is not working.

This is a major life adjustment period, there is no rule book, there are no set expectations, and everyone is different. How I wish Steve was by my side to bounce things off of… yes, I have friends I can lean on but it is NOT the same. No one else can even begin to understand my situation because it is mine and Paxton’s alone. I love my support system and welcome suggestions, but just know they may not fit us, and we may not take your advice so don’t be hurt if we take a different more fitting approach for us.

The week had lots of ups and downs, lots of yelling, lots of feelings of anger, guilt, disappointment and ended with lots of tears. I started to actually follow through with my threats when he decided he didn’t want to do something I had asked. He threatened me with his words and his anger trying to upset me enough and guilt me into doing just what he thought was expected as a mom and also to weasel his way out of doing things, trying to get me to do stuff for him. Oh I have no doubt he has had headaches and back aches from the tension and stress of what is going on in his head as well as the wind, pollen and susceptibility to allergies this time of year. Do I think he exaggerated a little? I think he exaggerated quite a bit and I had enough.

He needs to go back to school. I know it is going to be hard and I must prepare myself to be a “bad” but “good” mom, by not rescuing him this coming school year when he may not feel like being there. He needs the interaction, the stimulation, and the peers to get back into the routine of life. Do I think he needed the break to be able to processes everything, you bet I do, I do not regret the decision I made to home school him. Everything that we have encountered so far in this journey is preparing us for our future and we will be better because of it. It will strengthen our relationship, our dedication to one another and hopefully bring us heightened respect for one another even if I don’t feel like he is displaying that respect for me at this time.

He needs to find a hobby that fits him now. He has pretty much quit any consistent activity in his life at this point and it is time for me to put my foot down and get him back into something so that he has something to be hopeful for and enjoy, no matter what this looks like. He needs a consistent activity.

Last night we had a huge fight, many things were said that needed to be said, many things that needed to be cleared up, many tears were shed, and I think we needed to actually experience this in order to better understand where we are each coming from, why we are doing what we are doing, how we feel about each other’s decisions and expectations so we can appropriately respond. When you agree or push things “under the rug” when they are really bothering you or don’t agree you are people pleasing while festering feelings that are not good for your inner peace and can blow up later.

Communication is key in any relationship that you want to thrive, even if you are newly trying to figure out how to communicate in the most effective ways by feeling out what expectations are there, why we do the things we do, what makes us respond both negatively and positively to one another and how to better understand those we are communicating with. So many of us assume we know what someone is thinking or how we want them to treat us, but many of us never actually say what we want or explain why we do things to get the responses we are expecting. None of us are mind readers and we don’t all have the same expectations.

I learned a lot last night of where his anger is coming from not just that his dad died, he learned a lot about my sadness and why I have made some of the decisions and choices I have over the past months. I felt he better understood why it is important to live our lives while we are still here and that his dad would want us to be happy. I felt closer to knowing how hard this is for him even though I will never know exactly what is going on in his head, he realized that I am doing my best to be strong for him and that I am not “over” my grief, I just am older, more experienced, and better equipped to handle mine than he is.

He learned what I need from him to help me support him and keep our place running and my sanity. My expectations are not super high because he is still a pre-teen boy, but my standards were set for him to respond more responsibly and respectfully to me. He needs me to be a mom in the present. My career can be a blessing and a curse. I make my own schedule but sometimes the things I do on my computer and phone can be worse than actually working an 9-5 job where I am gone. To me I am here for him, but then again I am not really present if my mind isn’t. This has been a struggle for a long time. I am that people pleaser, but I cannot be everything to everyone at the same time and I need to add a little structure and set proper expectations for my clients as well as Paxton to be more of an effectively present person for both.

Nothing is perfect and you cannot expect it to be. This trial-and-error period doesn’t have an expiration date unfortunately it is a constant growth opportunity, which can be looked at as both good and bad. You must accept the bad with the good and plow forward, sometimes into the unknown. As I am constantly learning this life is a journey, not a destination… the destination will come eventually when our time here is up, but for now we must enjoy it while we can look forward to the next chapter one day at a time.

Yesterday I was asked by a friend if my experience at any point made me question my faith? I responded previously yes, this time no. I am very faith grounded, that is what keeps me going, that is what keeps me from completely falling apart, although sometimes I want to. I think it is normal to question, normal to have doubts and normal to bare the thought of never-ending pain to the extent nothing else seems to matter. I would never judge anyone for this. This morning while getting ready a song came on the radio and I just had to send it to her. The words rang true we will be tested, and it is up to us to put our faith above our circumstances and know that every day may not be good but there is something good in everyday and holding on to hope can make all the difference.

Mercy Me- Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Billy Montana / Helen Darling