I pretty much wake up close to 5:00 am naturally every
morning. Yesterday I set my alarm anyway because I wanted to make sure to get the
garbage out before they came. 5:15 set and ready to wake. I woke up and looked
at the clock and it was exactly 5:00. I decided to wake up a little before reading
my bible app by scrolling through Facebook. The first post that popped up when
I clicked my phone on was from a girl, I used to work with years ago, I hadn’t
seen or talked to since Paxton was probably 2-3 years old. I have watched her grow
from being pregnant with 1 to now having 5 kids.
She had a blog posted with a picture of her family titled Tragedy
verses Faith.
Interesting title so I clicked on it to dive into pretty much all the similar
things Steve went through last year but with her husband since September until
now when he has pretty much fully recovered except needing oxygen occasionally when
he exerts himself a lot. The theme of the whole blog was her faith and his faith
and their family’s faith that he would be healed, premonitions by family
members and all the emotions that went into her roller coaster ride. There are
no words to express the flood of emotions I felt through my body and mind as I
read this blog. Mind you it was probably 8 times longer than my normal post here,
so it was a lot to take in at once about their journey and survival. Reading
through her testimony was hard but necessary and I am convinced not by
coincidence that it popped up at the exact time it did.
I spent yesterday stirred up inside. I felt happy and relieved
for her family at the same time jealous of why them and not us. Totally natural
I am sure of it. Feelings from thinking that mine and Steve’s faith wasn’t strong
enough to fight his battle, to make him well, to bring him a full recovery to
wondering if just for a split second I was being punished for something and he
was taken from us because of this. I have been through so many trials and
deaths at even a young age, I can’t possibly really believe I am being punished,
but the thought does enter in my mind from time to time before I extinguish it.
Corinthians 13:13 states You are still worldly. For since
there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not
acting like mere humans? So this passage alone tells me that these feelings
are normal to have as long as I do not live in them and allow them to take over
the spaces in my head that can be filled with much better thoughts than those.
But it is refreshing to know that I am human and that they will happen.
I know through all that I have already experienced in my
life, that my God is a God who is good. In my heart I know that this isn’t how
life works. God is not punishing me for something. There are things in life
that among the blessings we do receive we have trials and tragedies meant to
free us from earth’s shackles and this sinful world. His plan for my life, for Paxton’s life did
not include saving Steve, where in this girl and her 5 beautiful children’s
case, her husband was needed to survive to fulfill whatever purpose and plan
was meant for them. As a human and Christian this is the only explanation that
makes sense to me to move past any doubt, guilt, or unfairness I may feel. I must
stress that what-ifs can only bring you down and keep you down. It is
necessary to live in your present moment and be hopeful for your future instead
of dwelling in the past you cannot change no matter how many scenarios you can
think up in your head.
From my brokenness will rise something great. I pray that
God guides me to use the talents he has given me to find and fulfill that very
purpose. I am meant to rise and do something far bigger than myself, or my
situation and I am open to God using me to do what I am meant to accomplish on
this earth. I am still here, I will move forward and live alongside my grief to
become who I am meant to be, fulfill my purpose he has blessed me with, and try
to be a good example along the way, while guiding Paxton to find and fulfill
his. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding,
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs
3:5-6
You become who you are because of who you build
relationships with, who has let you down, through loss and through your
journey, because of your experiences, life lessons, triumphs, and tragedies. I am who I am because of this molding, and I
will continue to strive to fulfill whatever purpose I have while I am still
living and breathing. As the saying goes. Not every day will be a good day,
but there is always something good to find in every day.
Yesterday a friend and I were talking, and we discussed whether
we thought dead people could hear us. I told a story about how a picture behind
my bed kept falling off of one nail until I finally talked out loud to Steve
after the 4th time it fell and told him there were other ways to get
my attention then scaring me (which he knew I absolutely hated being scared) and
it has never fallen since (and I never changed anything about how it was being
held up.) She asked if I thought that he could hear my thoughts and I said “goodness,
I hope not! It is bad enough if God can hear our thoughts let alone our dead
loved ones.” LOL. If you are experiencing thoughts or feelings that you
just cannot shake or that you feel you shouldn’t be, just remember you are
human and we all experience thoughts that we may not understand where they come
from or even be proud to say out loud, but I don’t know that thoughts are right
or wrong until we make them actions we cannot take back, or allow them to
consume us that they make us sick.
There are a lot of uplifting songs that I hear, and I love
to really delve into the words sometimes, they can be comforting and reassuring
to me and sometimes you hear them at just the exact moment you need to with
whatever you are experiencing at the time. I like a whole lot of different
genres from Country to 90’s to even a little Eminem sometimes…and sometimes I
listen to The Message on Sirius XM because of the positive words that every
song has that can truly pertain to your life. It all just depends on my mood at
the time.
Yesterday this one stood out to me the most as I drove
around town taking care of my day.
Just be Held by
Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
and barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far
away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty in the ashes
Your life is in my hands
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far
away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you will find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, and find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far
away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
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