Good Crys, Puffy Eyes, Shoveling Sunshine and Unanswered Prayers

 

I fully believe in timing, sometimes things meet you right where you need them and then sometimes they are not meant to be until later and other times not at all. Last night I watched the movie Unanswered Prayers loosely based off the 1990 song by Garth Brooks. It is funny how sometimes we pray for things we don’t get right away but only when the timing is right, or we don’t get them at all but don’t realize until much later that was truly a blessing in disguise. Sometimes I want to rush timing, especially if I have a feeling or intuition that it will eventually happen, but I know that I need to chill a little and enjoy the process of getting there, sometimes the process is the best part, skipping over it could ruin the intended path and alter the outcome you were meant to create.

 

 I think it is because I have lost so many people close to me at unexpected and not typical ages, young vibrant and still full of so much life in my opinion, and I want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to enjoy my time however long that may be. I don’t know when my expiration date is and I want to experience all the things I can, give as much love as I can, and make a difference to others while I can. I am a giver, I love to serve, and I enjoy watching other people happy and getting what they want too. I have no idea when their time will be up either and I want to make the most of the time shared.

 

I think I’ve mentioned before that I still love real estate however, there is something I feel God is calling me for a higher purpose in my life. I think that can run parallel with real estate it doesn’t replace it right now. About a month ago, I had the opportunity to meet with a Pastor who I first met quite a few years ago to talk about community and Florence (where I live), and what that looks like for the future. I remember having an interesting conversation the last time, and this one turned into how I can use my grief to help others in a more purposeful way than what I currently am doing, which is blogging and meeting with individuals who are looking to talk about their grief on a one-on-one basis. This would give me the opportunity to be more involved, reach more people and center my experiences in a little bit more structured way through a local grief share, where I would run a 13-week program with a group of individuals trying to make sense of their own grief. It sounds a little scary, but then again, I love a good challenge, and besides what do I have to lose, if I am gaining experience.

 

I have been a leader my whole life in most of what I do whether in working or volunteering or just in general and I am excited to see where this leads me in future endeavors. I made a promise to myself that you will see my name on the cover of something other than children’s books, poems, and blogs in the future. I just don’t quite know what that looks like just yet.

 

I am grateful for the opportunity to have gone back to Indiana with Paxton for Christmas break and spent so much time with my family and friends, to spoil and be spoiled. I felt a huge sense of closeness, inner peace, and love that surrounded us on our trip. It was the third time we had visited in 2022 and it was good for my soul. I know that if I decided to move back there tomorrow Paxton would be on board his goal currently is to farm and he just loves the culture and people there (I will admit it is a different feeling when we are there, but I only miss it when I am there) and my family would welcome us with open arms.

 

I moved to Arizona almost 26 years ago to go to college and fell in love with the state and a young man. He welcomed me into his family, and I established a great support system with new friends and developed a large database and built a wonderful career here. There is a fire in me that loves challenges but to start all over sometimes will prove overwhelming and may not be the right decision or the right timing. I keep telling Paxton if I felt that I had a calling verses a small yearning, I would consider the possibility a little more but for now we are here where we belong and will make the most of it. Besides, after not driving in a snowstorm for about 14 years or having to stay inside for 4 days straight because it was too cold to want to go anywhere, I think I will accept my past several non-stop rainy days and overly muddy property for my almost always plethora of sunshine. How does the saying go? You don’t have to shovel sunshine! And besides if I want to see snow in the winter, I can drive 3 hours and stay at my cabin.

 

Whether it was one thing more over the next it is probably a combination of a bunch of different things, including but not limited to being back to reality, traveling, time zone differences, lack of sleep, someone else’s bed, the holidays which by the way can be very sad at times no matter how much time goes by and several other factors, but being back I have had an overwhelming sense of sadness for several days. I miss Steve and everything that comes with having your person, that person I thought I would live the rest of my life with, come to find out he lived the rest of his with me. Let that sink in. I miss my life as it was a year and a half ago, I am doing ok building a new one that already has a foundation, but it is still so very different and could never be the same again. I miss being able to call and cry to my mom or ask her for advice, and so on….coming up on the 8 year anniversary of her death at the end of this week and both Steve and my mom's birthdays the next it can cause a blanket of sadness to just surround your being, thinking of the good times and the things that you will never be able to share with them again. 

 

While away on our trip I teared up several times during certain conversations or reminiscing about certain past events that happened with people who are no longer here to create new memories, but never let myself cry – like fully cry and I feel like I just needed it. The puffy eyes and stuffed up nose and the sense of just losing control also in the back of my mind while I pushed the need back further trying not to confront it until it overwhelmed my being and just finally, I caved.

 

Last night I just unloaded a bunch of cooped up negative energy and all that was pushed back in my body filling it with the toxin of sadness, anger and grief built up that needed to be released. My BFF who I have known for almost 40 years listened to me through uncontrollable crying, sniffles and continuous nose blowing, which wasn’t actually helping to clear my nose, it was that swollen and stints of this is unfair and why me dialogue that I spewed out as she listened and loved on me through the phone. I am not usually big on pitying myself, but sometimes life just takes you there. Do I usually find the silver lining? Yep, that is what all my friends know me for best, but I am not perfect.

 

People tell me all the time to call them if I need to scream, cry, vent or whatever, and it is hard to do this to another person, even though I offer it all the time for others, I somehow feel guilty interrupting their day, or their current happy thoughts, or family time to share in my neediness.  I often just cry and get it over with, but when I do feel like I need to reach out to someone I close my eyes and let my heart speak to me about who that is. I usually find an answer whether it is spirit guided or just a random lucky name that pops into my head because I have been thinking about that person, lol. To be honest I fully believe it is spirit guided to who will be good for me in that very moment. It was freeing and I slept better than I have in weeks. Did I wake up with puffy eyes and a sinus headache, you betcha, but I am fully convinced it was worth it. Clearing my mind and heart makes all the difference in how much I can give in the present moment and going forward. I can be sad, depressed, upset, angry and completely devastated at times, I just can’t continue to stay there, and I know this.  

 

Taking care of myself is not always about my health, physical appearance, stress level deductions or the things I can gain, sometimes it is about the release and the things that we can let go.

 

Just like my New Year’s post, there are things that need to be left behind in 2022, things that I may have thought were going in a positive direction but didn't quite make the cut, things that may occasionally pop back up that I need to say no to or take care of sooner than later so they don’t take over my happiness or consume my time unnecessarily, things I should not chase, and things that were only suppose to be there for a reason for the season. I need to give myself permission to move forward again, despite any hiccups, enjoy life every day even if it isn’t the whole day, savor my blessings, increase my motivation willingly, and allow myself to experience true happiness however that looks like for me. I am truly blessed to be here and should enjoy it. 

 

Blessed Beyond Belivin’ Eric Burgett

 

I have all I need

Here I am down on my knees

Thankin’ You for everything

Corn grows and the sun shines

I still got dreams worth dreamin’

So many reasons to keep breathin’

That’s the beauty of bein’ blessed

The beauty of bein’ blessed

The beauty of bein’ blessed beyond believin’