30 Years, A Place of Harmony, Music and Kitchen Lights

 

Today I will love all that I am for all that I am while finding myself by myself to define myself. I am an admirable person who seeks to help others, who values myself and knows my worth. Who works hard for myself and my child to create a life, a passion and a drive that is like a magnet and that attracts like people who value me and my family and knows my worth and celebrates my accomplishments with me.

I wrote the above after Steve died because even though I have always considered myself a strong woman, I didn’t realize how dependent my everyday was on being a part of someone else for so long, 23 years is a sizable portion of your life to be with someone who is no longer there. (I spent only 14 with my dad and the impact was huge!) The confidence I had in myself, and my abilities was in question and to this day 2 years later I still wonder sometimes, and need to remind myself I can do hard things. And so can you!  

I passed this statement above along to a friend who is in a space of redefining herself to step in the direction of her worth and her dreams and no longer let her life circumstances dictate what she can limit herself to doing. Whether someone dies or is still alive, when they are removed from your life it can take a huge shift in thinking and way of living on your part.  Our lives are about growth, change and becoming who we are meant to be. You cannot go through a significant life change and expect to be the same person you used to be; I am convinced that just isn’t possible. Journeys take you to new places they don’t hold you still for a moment in time. Reminding yourself to change is good, trying new things is good, becoming a better person than you were yesterday, last week, or last year is good.

Often, I think we lose sight of who we are and what we are trying to accomplish because we are so busy taking care of all that is around us. This is okay to an extent because God calls us to serve his people and we all have responsibilities in life. However, we must not lose sight of ourselves in the process. Today marks 30 years since my father died an event that has shaped me into who I am today. It reminds me that we all have choices. We can choose to let our circumstances help or hinder our growth, destroy our lives, or flourish because of them. No one claims that either choice is easier, in fact flourishing despite your circumstances and setbacks can be a lot more challenging but I am proof it can also be a lot more rewarding.

I never in a million years (well actually I had a brief glimpse 8 years ago, but we won’t go into my hokey intuition) did I think or prepare myself that 28 years after my dad passed to almost the exact date (less than a week a part) my son would also lose his. I am heading into this week with a lot of distractions to calm my tears, a lot of Hope to calm my fears, and a lot of Grace for both Paxton and I to just be what my cousin calls “in our feels.” This isn’t something you purposely do to get attention, as an excuse for forgetfulness or bad behaviors, just something that is real, the timing, the emotions, and the roller coaster memories from a time in your life that significantly changed your future because you loved so deeply and lost, and you want to hold onto those memories forever. You want to recreate a time and space that brings you directly to that person whether good or bad, it gives you a connection to something that no longer exists but was such a meaningful part of your life, you just want to revisit for a little while and reminisce in your “feels”. Just let the feelings occur, don’t fight the emotions, and accept that you will climb out more focused and mindful when you let those feelings happen naturally, tell yourself it is ok to feel the way that you do with the intention of snapping out of it, but not until you deal with them.

Like I have said before in other blogs, we will all have ups and downs in our lives, you just must make sure the ups are more frequent than the downs and when the downs come to visit, you do everything in your power, the power that is within you, not to stay there for too long. You woke up this morning, you are still here, God gave you a purpose and has a plan for you, get out and explore, if you are not serving your purpose take that step today to go in the right direction, enjoy the journey, and make those people who are no longer here, proud that you still are. When one chapter ends, the next one begins; write it forward.

Some girlfriends and I went to an acoustic concert series last night, which live music and music in general really has a way of bringing me peace. The featured artists were all very good and the words and lyrics in songs have a way of connecting with my soul. Whether it is the years of poetry that I have written, the blogs that I post, from being a fellow writer, or just the emotions that I feel when I can listen to and relate to someone else’s story through their music it tends to take me to a place of harmony within. Music isn't my only outlet but not all the other things I enjoy or bring me harmony can be done everyday, so this one seems the most centering. Pause as many times as you need and find what centers you and partake in it more. 

The words last night that resonated with me and my resent struggles inside my head were this. Always have a safe space you can go to and create a safe space that someone else can come to. Life’s ups and downs require love and support. We are not expected to do it alone. Go get yourself a cheerleader and be a cheerleader for someone else, but always love who you are no matter where you are in your journey, things change, embrace the changes, and move forward. Stop trying to have all, be all, and do all by yourself. And if you are going to live in your past, make it brief, the person you were no longer exists and you owe it to yourself and those around you to concentrate on the person you are creating!  

I will continue to move forward being me, trusting and loving who I am and what my purpose is, but give me a week at least… lol. I need to pause and take it all in. Remember to be kind to everyone you meet you have no idea what they are struggling and dealing with in their head at any given moment. And remember to give the grace you give others to yourself as well, you absolutely need and deserve it just as much as they do. 

Taken from Light on In the Kitchen by Ashley McBryde

So Honey, trust yourself

You better love yourself

‘Cause ‘til you do you ain’t no good to anybody else

Honey, trust yourself

Laugh at yourself

If something tries to hold you back

Get up and give it hell

And for haven’s sake always have a place

Where you can do some cryin’ and some bithcin’

And always leave a light on in the kitchen.