A gentle reminder and a different look to Christmas

 And we successfully made it through semester 1 of High School, barely in some classes but there is always next semester. And yes, I did say we. For a mom who is fully vested in her kid, this was my experience too! I must witness the days when his hair doesn’t turn out right, he forgets to do an assignment, water spills all over his backpack and had to replace a school laptop and math book, an open container of lotion in a front pocket that ruined just about everything in the pocket including his mechanical pencils that I seem to buy on a regular basis anyway because kids steal them from him all the time, so I just threw them away and started over after I cleaned the lotion out (yes, that was a mess), he feels bullied by some kids at school sometimes (the way he dresses, his hair, his weight, the fact that a lot of his friends are girls(these guys are jealous), kids can be so cruel, his head hurts, he thinks a teacher is stupid and so on. He is the NICE kid and I know that he can’t see it now, but I guarantee it pays off for him later in life. We have had a lot of changes this past year that have affected both of us in good and bad ways. For a kid who is rarely sick he missed quite a few days from sickness, the latest being 6 days of school laid up with pneumonia for 9 at home and that sure didn’t help him from getting behind further than he was from his already lack of focus. We did get the ok by the Pediatric Cardiologist to start him on the meds and Paxton doesn’t think so, (or so he says to me) but I will say since December 1 he has shown improvement to me on his focus and concentration. Dare I say helping him study and watching him fill out study guides for finals last week, his penmanship is even nicer.

Mom over here is struggling with a few things. Vulnerability at its best I haven’t sold a house since June. The market is weird, I have been in the business for 22 years and I have never gone this long without selling a house. I have listings, I have buyers, I have things that have fallen through, I have had missed opportunities and I have experienced a lot of overwhelming things in the past 6 months. I started a new business which I might say is getting off the ground and I expect to be a good profitable business soon, but it takes time, concentration, and effort. I feel that real estate will pick up for me in the next few months and I will get back on track with my efforts being fully rewarded. I am still the same giver, lover, and helper that I have always been. I try to recognize others needs and help meet them when I can, even without that income coming in. In my line of work, any of it, there is no guarantee, and you must be prepared for the lulls. This lull, however, seems strange, extreme, and disappointing to me as I want and need to be a successful contributor as the soul support of Paxton and I and our lifestyle.  But I know that struggling with what my purpose is now at this stage in my life verses six months ago, is taking a little more time to figure out than normal and losing that more steady income that I have been used to is nothing shy of a little scary. Do any of us really know what our future holds? We don’t I am living proof of that. I can only get up every day and prepare myself to give as much effort as I can to accomplishing what I need for us to thrive.

Yesterday I posted a story on social media, that said, don’t use your energy to worry, use your energy to believe. How profound is that. Worry will never change our situation! Neither will getting upset about something you cannot change! So why do we do it?  I can worry, I can fret, I can claim not fair all day long, but in the end it isn’t getting me any closer to the goal or end result I am looking for and it is just making me stressed the hell out over the unknown, that most of which I cannot control- there are too many other factors besides what I am able to control that could potentially skew the outcome I am hoping for! That doesn’t mean I don’t keep working hard, it doesn’t mean I give up and it doesn’t mean that I surrender. It just means, I accept, adjust, and keep on moving forward. I am not sharing this with you for any pity, for any help or to brag that I am still able to survive on not having a steady paycheck for 6 months. I am just wanting to point out that we all struggle, we go through ups and downs. No one’s life is perfect, no relationship is perfect, no circumstance is perfect. We just have to adjust to what we have, rely on the support around us, find our niche, accept our circumstances and choose the right attitude and approach. And in my 44 years I have come to realize most of the times things fall into place just like they should. Trust the timing of your life. Trust that God doesn’t always prevent things from happening, but He is right there next to you while you experience them.

The holidays are here, and I am missing a lot of people, reminiscing on old traditions and memories made. Maybe you lost someone this year close to you, maybe you are taking yourself back to fond memories passed of someone who has been gone awhile now, maybe you are worried about someone dear to you who is close to crossing over the other side, and you are just waiting for when it will happen. In any case we have all experienced a loss of some kind and this time of year it seems projected as we go about our busy schedules trying to make the holidays memorable for all who are still here. From Steve to my mom, dad, grandparents, Steve’s mom (our first Christmas without her), Grammy and so on. All the people who had a profound impact on my life and ones that had special meaning and memories of holidays shared. This will be our first different kind of Christmas since Steve died and by that I mean our third Christmas without him but our first Christmas waking us just us. Our first Christmas without Steve my brother came and shared it with us and we woke up Christmas morning to laughter, and sharing, gifts and giving, food and family, he helped transition that first Christmas alone for us. Last year we traveled to Indiana and woke up surrounded by my Aunt, Uncle, cousins with their significant others and dogs running around us to occupy our hearts and minds. This Christmas is going to look a little different. In a way I am excited to see what Paxton and I can share with one another starting a new tradition just the two of us but also a little nervous that our hearts will be a little full of sadness Christmas morning by ourselves. No excitement over what Santa will bring to lighten the heaviness in our hearts. I will have cinnamon rolls to make, and Paxton will love to deliver to the neighbors and have something to do to occupy a little of his time. We have decided to do church on Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve this year, this will give us something to do in between opening presents together and going to see my Father- in-law and the family later in the afternoon for dinner and gifts.

I woke up with a goal in mind today. Dump the trailer full of trash from the garage and shed that we have been working to gather and dispose of over the past months of useless things we have collected or saved over the last 10 years we have lived here, trying to get more organized, less cluttered and centered in our lives and frankly find the things we need to use more easily. It rained on and off all night and continues as I write this. I decided to start making fillings for my pierogies and wrapping more gifts since a trip to the dump this morning doesn’t seem feasible, lots of mud, rain and just not ideal. A trip to my bedroom with a pan of meat on my stove was probably not the best choice I have made with 3 dogs in my house… so now I must go back to the store and start again. Really! UGH! In the grand scheme of things, I need to, as my sister-in-law just reminded me of my tattoo, just breathe! Neither one of these situations is detrimental to life, our day, our overall wellbeing and should not affect my mood, demeanor, or rest of my day unless I give them permission to. I decided I won’t! It isn’t worth the stress, worry or negative energy that I would give it!

I also see Christmastime a little differently this year, as Paxton and I continue to adjust to new surroundings including Mark and his son being a part of our lives now. Not fully incorporated into our everyday lives but part of our life every day. Not necessarily for the Christmas Eve or Day celebrations we will be having but just for the fact that they are in our lives and incorporating how that looks like now for us and what it means for future celebrations. Being delicate to respect Paxton’s feelings, their own traditions as well as the newness of everything! Juggling is what life is all about sometimes. I am fully focused on enjoying life in the NOW, as none of it is a guarantee… I woke up to a phone call from a family friend whose husband passed in the middle of the night. So close to Christmas I reflected on what that looks like and means for their family as well as a reminder that nothing is promised to us no matter how much we prepare, plan, fret, or worry, things just happen. It is how we approach, handle, and perceive what we experience that makes the most difference.

A friend of mine I have written about before she is my rock as far as everyone choosing to be bitter or better despite their circumstances was thrown another curve ball a few days ago, when her sole source of income for the last 12 years decided to shut their doors a week before Christmas. Wow, talk about life changing. I know that her journey there was never guaranteed it isn’t for any of us that work in a commission-based business or even a hourly or salaried one for that matter. But it is a shocker, a disappointment and a fight or flight kind of feeling when you are left in the unknown. These are the times that you must choose to and concentrate on what you are grateful for in life over the things you have lost, didn’t accomplish, or passed you by. They may not have been meant to be or you may just be turning the page to the next chapter that will deliver things you never thought were imaginable.

I am grateful for a lot of things. My health, my home, my accomplishments, my determination, my strong will, my ability to forgive others and myself, my perseverance, my kind heart, my compassion for others,  a son who despite obstacles has an amazing head on his shoulders and will inevitably turn out to be an amazing man someday, a boyfriend who with every new day makes me feel more loved, happy and grateful and brings joy to my life part two, his adorable son who brings what seems to be a spark to Paxton’s inner child which I think he seemed to have lost over the past few years, and all the love and support of family and friends who believe in me, comfort me, encourage me and help me want to be a better person every day. This despite setbacks, loss, finances, and dog eaten pierogi filling is what brings out the true meaning of Christmas. Concentrate on all the things good and you will see more good things. Bad things are inevitable, don’t ignore them, but don’t let them take over your life.

Merry Christmas to Everyone may God shine His light upon you wrap His arms around you and comfort you despite your circumstances this year. If you have an empty chair may the memories of it full and the things you liked the most about that person fill your hearts with love and light, peace and comfort. May you reflect on all the good things that surround you this holiday season and in your everyday lives and bring you joy, make you feel loved, and encourage you to move forward to your next chapter with an open mind and heart for what is meant for your story. If you woke up this morning you still have a purpose go pursue it! This is your time for second chances, don’t let it pass you by!