Rain in the Rearview

 

I posted this meme on my story yesterday and I truly believe it with my whole heart. I might add that making me laugh has its benefits too! Being at peace, feeling calm, and allowing myself to love again is very healing, rewarding and part of my story. I was with the same man for a long time, not only did we experience a lot of firsts together but also learned a lot about growing, compromising, and living life. We got used to each other.  We knew the ins and outs.  Our reactions, our triggers. Neither one of us was perfect. There's probably a lot that I put up with that I shouldn't have. And a lot about me that he accepted that other men may not. 

We made it work for 23 years, we shared a son together, experienced deaths, tragedies, financial struggles, buying properties, selling properties, losing properties, losing jobs, changing jobs, good times, struggles, etc. I think we both changed a lot, experienced a lot, and grew a lot from meeting as babies at 19 and 22 years old. Our communication wasn't always perfect, but we showed it in other ways and I felt the love he had for me. 

When God closed that chapter in my life, from that day forward, I would never be that person again. 

I remember when my dad died, and I encouraged my mom to find someone new to help fill a void that she had in her life. She had a lot of love to give, but she compared everyone to my dad. She wanted the life that they had built, she wasn't ready for it to be over yet. She longed for what she couldn't have.  She worked so hard to build a relationship with him that would last a lifetime that she wasn't able to forsee her life moving forward in a direction that deviated from that and I know if was difficult for her to move on. 

One thing I learned from her unhappiness, sadness, and pain is that I didn't want to make that a priority in my life when Steve died. I want to focus on the good, the blessings, and the possibilities- not the loss, the sadness, the emptiness that she had.

Happiness is key and we create it. No one can make us happy unless we choose to be happy. 

When one door closes another one usually finds its way open again if you are open to the possibilities. Sometimes God knows that we are not to enjoy life alone. I have too much love to give to do that.

I know that none of us know what our future holds, or how much time we have left to experience it,  but for now I'm enjoying Mark (who I firmly believe God and Steve had a hand in placing in my life) who accepts me for who I am with all my flaws, (yes, I have them, lol)  idiosyncrasies, fears, anxieties and weaknesses, but also my strengths, my huge heart, my mellow demands, my dreams, my hopes, and everything in between. He gives me the motivation to be a better person, to allow me to have peace and harmony in my life but above all accepts me for me, in my most genuine form. To be completely honest, I am not sure I have ever been my genuine form in the past.

Not everybody has a chance to experience true love more than once in a lifetime... but for those who do I will tell you, you must be open to something different, don’t compare, don’t settle, don’t just accept content, BE HAPPY!

 I am no longer who I was before Steve died, but he was a huge contributing factor in who I currently am and therefore I need someone who fits the need/desires of who I am now. But also giving Mark amazing credit for understanding that Steve will always be a part of my life and my memories and he will be honored for the rest of my life no matter how different of a person I am everything that's happened to me, every person I've encountered, every experience I've had has made me who I am today.  And for that I will always feel blessed. Steve fulfilled what I needed up until his death and I am now blessed to be with someone who checks every box of what I need going forward, with similarities and difference balancing out. I hope that everyone reading this is equally blessed whether having the opportunity to have a significant other, partner etc. for 50+ years, short term, long term, or whatever timeframe is your story. May you enjoy your journey every minute of it. The good, the bad, the growing and learning portion, the exciting times, the hard times, and all the experiences combined that make you, you, contribute to your story, and fulfill every need, desire and want that you might have.

 

From Rain in the Rearview by Anne Wilson

 

Tell me, how much hurt can a heart take?

Tell me, how much wind ‘til the walls cave?

You can just stay right there in the pain

Or listen to the voice that you hear when you pray

Tell me, how much hurt can a heart take before it breaks?

 

When the storm rolls in and the sky won’t quit crying

And you’ve lost more tears than you thought you could ever lose

Oh, I swear somewhere out there, the sun is somewhere shining

So drive, baby, drive, baby, drive ‘til it shines on you

And leave the rain in the rearview

 

I got ten and two on a two-tone, two lanes of freedom

Singing, “Jesus take the wheel”

Now I know what she was feeling

Oh, ‘cause I feel it too.