To Make Sense or Not Make Sense of What Don't Make Sense in This Life

 

The week of August 28-September 3rd gets me every year. Everything leading up to these life changing events has been one of the hardest things I  have had to re-live over and over. From moments, things I said, things I missed, things that happened, feelings I had... etc. These 2 events if you know are when my dad and husband passed away, 5 days in between years apart. Sometimes I am grateful that it is a double whammy for me because then I can concentrate on being happy most of the rest of the year. Both of these events were definitely beyond my control, but my brain still wonders what could have I done differently? What could they have done differently? What could the doctors or nurses or staff done differently? Is there something that went unsaid or undone that I could have done better? Did I give them enough support? Did they know that they were loved, and the questions in my head and the re-living of that time and the emotions I experienced are so real years later that I can't help but wish in a way I could get amnesia and just forget it. But honestly I couldn't because it has made me who I am today what I went through. Then I question why them? Why me? 

If I know the why would it change the circumstances? Would it somehow make me feel better about it or less upset that it happened? Would it reverse the events? Would it really acutally make me feel more at peace? Would knowing help me not to re-live it in my mind every single year? I think Lysa TerKeurst said best when she said: Knowing why something happened will never help if we wouldn't agree with the answer anyhow. Seeking answers is understandable, I want to know why too. But it's so much more comforting to invite God's peace to just fill in the gaps of all the unknowns.  It's when we decide to stop the relentless grasping for unanswerable questions that our hands are then free to take hold of what He has for us next. 

Most anyone that re-lives an event over and over... it's something that will never go away in your mind when I have that timeframe come up I remember a Chiropractor I once had told me that your body has a timeline similar to a belt, each event you expeirence puts a notch in that belt. Once you put a notch in a belt it never goes away, it isn't repaired to normal. In the belt of life we can't just buy a new one... those notches signify our occurances whether good or bad and they stay on that belt for your lifetime. Those feelings tend to come back year after year at the time the event occured for me. Sometimes we need to just let that notch come back around, rather than trying to skip over it or repair it, even though we know that is impossible! We can shed our tears, cleanse our body and move forward. Even if we have to do it over and over again. Accept the fact that it is part of life, the grieving process proof that LOVE transpired. However, you choosing to deal with grief isn't wrong, whatever feelings you are going through are REAL. No one else can probably understand, sympatize, or support you as much as God can. They can try, you can want them to replace the heartache, fill the gap, or erase or ease the bad memories, but ultimately He is the only one for you to turn to reset your peace. 

If you are going through grief multiple times over just remember there are no two right ways to do so. Every person handles things differently so there should be no judgement, no excuses and no wrong way to do so. Just remember to take care of yourself during your sadest moments... do something that makes you happy re-live the bad if you must and take in the best memories as well. Find support in the people that are close to you and show up, and forgive those who don't show up like you think they should because ultimately no one can show up for you like God can. We should try not to put expectations on someone else to make us feel better, because even if they try they may not succeed. Just ask everyone around you for grace and understanding during your reset. This too shall pass like my mom always said. Get through your feelings and you will come out stronger on the other side. Don't forget if you are still here, you still have a purpose, your expiration date has not arrived even thought we don't know when that is. We still have something to do, something to contribute and people to love and leave our mark. Lean on God to fill the gaps of the unknown and as I always stress- Feel free to endulge your feelings but don't stay in them for too long, you will miss out on all the good things meant for you in this lifetime. You became who you needed to become in order to survive. Now it's time to become who you need to become in order to thrive. You don't always need to know what comes next. Sometimes you need to just be where you are and know it is okay to be there.

Anne Wilson- Seventh of June (excerpt)

My friends, they know I won't pick up if they call me                                  One day a year And that one day is here

My tears just like a summer rain are falling
It's just what they do
When I start missing you
Why'd you have to go? Why'd I have to stay?
When's it gonna get easier to make it through the day?
I go out walking, I ain't much for talking
Just thinking and crying, and praying and trying
To make sense of what don't make sense in this life
Like, "Why you're up there and not here by my side?"
They say it's gonna get easier, and I wanna believe that's true
It's just harder on the seventh of June
I've been singing songs ever since the day you left me
Crazy how my life has changed
Every night, a different stage
And sometimes it feels like you and God are watching
Are you looking down on me?
I wonder if you're proud of me... 

Dream BIG Smile On.

 

Growing up, I always thought my mom had a really pretty smile. And then over the years I know that she got self-conscious with her teeth and just shifting from life and stress she was a smoker for many years and I know that probably didn't help and I'm sure she grinded them at night and I don't think she ever wanted to take the time to have them fixed or spend the money. Probably more like she didn't want to spend the money. She was very frugal. She was one of those that wouldn't even buy a sweater if it wasn't on sale, loved thrift shopping, and when she liked certain outfit, she wore it out.  I argued with her all the time that she just needed to enjoy life and spend money on herself, especially after my dad died. I know she struggled to stay afloat, but then later on when she was doing well she still had a hard time spending money, but she would spend it on us just not herself! For her, she just didn't do that. She was a very giving caring person and often I know she put herself last, even though she was stubborn and set in her ways and opinions. You either loved her and got along well with her or you didn't.  She wasn't as much of a people pleaser as I was. And as much as I mimic a lot of the same qualities as her, I know that if I want to live a long life, I also have to invest time energy and care into myself. That's the number one way to be able to have enough to give everyone else.  Even though I was hesitant at first to spend that money on myself when I had plenty of other things I could do with it. I knew If I was  constantly depleting my own resources of support, it's really hard to support others or be their biggest cheerleader when your stability is in question. This time of year is hard for me with that. I have that period of time between when Steve got sick recalling when my dad got sick and passed away and then Steve died all bundled and shoved into a month's time. There are a lot of significant dates in my life, but for some reason that period of time is the most pronounced in my mind. 5 years later that combo still hits hard. No one is really going to take care of me as properly as I can take care of me during this time. 

Nine months ago, I decided that after 20+ years of not having braces, I wasn't happy with the way my teeth were moving (after an accidental case of washing my retainer and drying it after a camping trip - it melted and I was without wearing it for nine months). I didn't want to be like my mom where I got to the point that I didn't want to smile with my mouth open. I've been told I have a nice smile, and and I want to be able to be happy enough and comfortable enough in my own skin that I can show that off and bring a little bit of cheer and happiness to others.  

They say the best curve on a woman's body is their smile  and I wanted to continue to make that true for me and radiate that energy to others. 

Yesterday marked nine months of aligners to get my teeth- not perfect because nothing is perfect, but in a fashion that I won't be afraid intimidated or worried about how my teeth look when I smile and then shy away from doing it. RBF doesn't look good on me. 

I was able to get all my brackets off and have relatively straight teeth and a nice bite in my mouth where my jaw comes together more evenly. 

  Here is to taking care of myself and many years to come of smiles and gratitude for where life has taken me despite all the crap that it has thrown at me. I want to continue to be a light to others and fulfill whatever purpose God has given me in this life. 

Cheers to all of you that are hesitating on doing something to take care of yourself because you're afraid it isn't necessary you don't want to spend the money, or you think it's frivolous. I hope you get a little nudge too. Get the massage, take the trip, buy the earrings occasionally eat at that expensive restaurant! I say do what makes you happy because only you can create that environment for yourself! I will continue to wear my smile as if it's my signature! 

Dream Big, Smile On! 

Thanks "Papa Tom"

I am going to be really vulnerable here for a second. I apologize to anyone who I said I would show up for but I didn't at the last minute for your family members funeral. The last four or five funerals that I wanted to attend (honestly, not sure anyone wants to attend a funeral, but you know what I mean), so the last few that I planned on attending, I would wake up that morning with such high anxiety that I just couldn't do it. I have always prided myself on being that one who is there for everyone, supportive, caring and kind... I can harbor my feelings or bury my sadness and make it through a couple hours, or so I thought! I think after Steve died I had a phobia of funerals if that is even such a thing! But I think there is probably a phobia of anything someone is scared of or something feared. Don't get me wrong, I have been to a few that I absolutely had to go to, mother-in-law, uncle etc, and I am pretty sure I was numb at the time but the ones that I would normally attend family of friends to support a child, sibling or otherwise, I haven't been able to follow through. 

Yesterday I woke up and decided I needed to stop that, be a big girl, face my fears and be there for my friends! Because ultimately, it isn't about me, but I needed to calm the voices in my head and rearrange my motivation a little. Did my stomach hurt? Absolutely! Once I was there, I was actually fine, mission accomplished! 

I attended a funeral for a dear sweet man that I have known for 25 years. He made it all the way to a few weeks shy of 96 years old! I love this! So inspiring. That is such an accomplishment. And as sad as it was to go and see his family grieve, though the tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn't help but have a smile on my face as they recalled all the good times, the beautiful memories, the lessons learned, the quirky ways that he had and the things that he experienced and lived through, not to mention the legacy he has left behind including great-great-grandchildren. They may not remember him physically but I am certain they will be influenced by his memories. Wow, what an accomplishment, what a wonderful testimony to life, love and God's wonderful plan for him. He was stubborn but kind, ornery but would give anything to help others. His time was well spent, his family benefited for all the extra time some people don't have with their loved ones and his story isn't over, it is just beginning in those who were touched by him in some way to carry out that legacy and continue to sprinkle their learned pieces of him in the interactions they have, the family they create and the happiness they spread for years to come. 

I know when I can turn a fear into a silver-lining, and celebrate someone for all that they were even though they were lost physically, their imprint leaves such a lasting impression on the lives he impacted, and through them, on the lives they will impact in turn. 

Rest in peace Tom and enjoy your beloved Betty I am certain she greeted you with open arms and is so proud of you for waiting so long to join her because your impact was not quite yet accomplished here on Earth. 

For those that go before us, I do hope that they will show us around when we get there. What a great thing to look forward to.

I heard you got a brand new place
Feels like at least a million miles away
I hope I get to meet you there someday
And we'll pick back up like no time passed
Yeah, I pray it happens like that

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around

I heard that there's no growing old
And now you only walk down streets of gold
I've only read about what you've seen, what you know
And I'm still here missin' you
Oh, I wonder what you're gettin' into

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around

I hate how much that losin' you hurts (how much that losin' you hurts)
I hope you know you left your mark on this world
And I swear that I'd give anything on this Earth
To see your face
But for now, I'll wait

I bet you're up there right now makin' plans and writin' out
All your favorite places that you just can't wait to take us
And we'll get to spend forever talkin' 'bout whatever
When I get there, promise you'll track me down
And show me around
And show me around

I heard you got a brand new place

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Benjamin West / Carly Pearce / Emily Shackelton

Show Me Around lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Warner Chappell Music, 

Fires of Freedom

I haven't written in awhile. Things have been busy, hectic, nerve raking, and heavy at times but also so much good! My summer was amazing and I can't wait to tell you all about it! But for now weighing heavy on my mind is just what I need to release myself of. 

I feel I am once again finding myself in that space leading up to between the time when my father died 33 years ago and Steve died 5 years ago. The PTSD is real you guys. My body just knows the trauma that I went through. And no matter how much I try to pull my head around it and be grateful for what I have right now at this point in my life, my mind still races.  My mind goes back to all the things that I went through at those two significant points in my life. All the memories,  good and bad thoughts, moments of doubt and trust and "what ifs" that engulfed me. You know what, it is OK! We can't always force ourselves to be happy, find joy or be at peace with what we encountered, but like I always say we also can't stay in those feelings long term. It should only be temporary. That is how we wrap our head around grief that is how we know that we loved and we were loved by them. Grief is love with no where to go and sometimes it winds itself up so tight you feel like you can explode. Sometimes that burst is just what you need to feel a certain amount of freedom and relief. Thank God for the loving and understanding people surrounding you when that explosion occurs! They are the true gems in life holding you up when you want to bury yourself in sorrow. No matter the loss you have experienced, death, divorce, trauma. I think we can all relate. 

Thursday night I was feeling nostalgic and began reading through some of the comments from people when I was posting on a dedicated page on Facebook that a friend of mine created for us around the time that Steve was in the hospital. I came across one of the songs I posted. The one that night that really stood out was "Fires" by Jordan St. Cyr. Yesterday I was on my way to pick up Dixie to go look at an off-grid property that we are getting ready to list and that same song popped on the radio in my car. Instead of crying listening to it like the night before, I smiled to myself. That was my sign that no matter the fire we have to walk through at times, God's mercy and love surround us. Being a Christian doesn't mean that we never have to encounter issues, problems, trauma or grief in this life. It just means we have someone there to carry us through it. 

This may be my shortest blog I have ever written. But I think my purpose is back and there will be more to come as I sift through all the thoughts in my head. 

Excerpt from Fires

I remember how you told me

that life may not be easy

and everything that I need

you've already given me

I remember how you told me

I can trust you completely

so why am I doubting

when you proved that you'd fight for me

You have walked me through fires

pulled me from flames... 

If you are in this with me I won't be afraid.

.. I'm changed by your mercy, covered by your peace