Friends to see us through.

 Sometimes you just run on empty. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming you just have no idea where to go from where you’re at. Grief is so hard. Sometimes your body just has no idea how to respond to the pain that you’re in. Sometimes your brain just cannot think or function or reason with what you were faced.

Sometimes I have no idea if I’m coming or going, if I make the right decisions, if I’m being a good mom, if I am being too lenient or overcompensating for the loss that my child is experiencing. Sometimes I just want to fix it. I cannot fix this. I cannot fix grief. I  can only learn to live along side it. 

This weekend was hard. Super hard. It was the first real trip, that Paxton and I had to take without his dad, or family.  The reality of him not being along on our trip was super painful for both of us.  Especially since the team didn’t play to their highest potential.  This made for a boy, who cried, after every game, longing for his dad, to tell him what he did wrong, to yell at him, to be there, to just show up, and put in his two cents.  He longed for him to be there with us on this trip, he was supposed to be there,  how could this be right without him, he needed to be there.  As a mom I am a long way for knowing how to react like Steve, why couldn’t he just show up, I cannot replace him, no matter how hard I try, I will never be his dad. I could research baseball all I want I will NEVER be him  I just won’t  

  From the nurturing mama perspective I just want to fix it. I want to make his pain go away, I want to give an alternative, a solution, but this is not a problem. This is a lifestyle. We have to learn to live in a new way. This is a super hard reality to face.  Something I cannot control no matter how hard I want to, no matter how hard I prepare or want to  

I wanted to be strong, to support him. To be the nurturer, the positive thinker, the one who lifted his spirits. But honestly I was dying inside. Because I can’t fix this.  It was a hard weekend.  I cannot fix this.   

We came home with a few different issues,  mishaps, things that happened while we were gone, I almost  ran into a recliner in the middle of the road on the 202 yesterday driving home dark, late at night, just ready to be in my own bed. My adrenaline was definitely on super mode. The recliner came out of nowhere. By the grace of God we didn’t wreck. 

 I walked into five piles of dog throw up, when we arrived home, in my bed.   I have absolutely no idea what one of them got into but why they chose my bed and not the floor is beyond me. Five layers of bedding rolled up into a ball thrown into the trash. I am not about to scrub it clean. Just don’t have the energy.  Amazon to the rescue. 

Blinds destroyed while we were gone by dogs who were upset they couldn’t be outside and the house sitter was here feeding the outside animals. All our animals are healthy and well when we got home so a couple blinds ruined is really not a setback in my book. It just added to the frustration of my life. 

 I woke up to deals going haywire. Having to put out fires to make things continue on and happen, in my real estate world. Dropping a whole coffee creamer on the floor splashing everywhere in my kitchen needing to clean it up. The wash machine that got jammed and stopped working for a tad bit. I literally cried every time I talked to somebody. A title company gal, a fellow agent, a friend, my sister-in-law, I just couldn’t hold my shit together this morning.  

They showed up with the furniture for Paxton‘s teen room that we were so excited about, something to look forward to for both of us. The couch would not fit through the door way long ways or wide… Nothing was going to get this couch into that room. I measured the couch, it fit. Did not even think about the doorway.  They took it back. Will have to find something else down the road.  Today is not the day. Too much going on.  A trip to Home Depot to replace the blinds- not everything I want was in stock, we picked out paint colors for the teen room.  Forgot the propane. Returned all the wrongfully purchased screws from the orchard floor. $325 of unnecessary purchases. Paxton’s farming simulator pre order at game stop  didn’t come in as promised, again frustration of something promised and not received. I will not promise him anything I cannot deliver, ever… this I do promise. 

There are things you can control, and things you cannot. There are friends who turn your upside down world to a right side up experience. Lunch, friendship, shopping, baking pies, making dinner, drinks and s’more’s in the orchard. Laughter, Conversation, friendship, these are the things that hold me together. These are the things that are going to make me survive this difficult time in my life.  These are the people who make all the difference. No matter how much brain fog I experience during this transition, this life part two- the obstacles, more setbacks, learning, growing, new experiences, new traditions, a new me. I will NEVER be the me I was 108 days ago, the day Steve was hospitalized,  the day we didn’t know would be the last day without him ever- FOREVER  

Today, the friends- the support- the love- these are the times I will treasure as our friends will see us through. No matter how hard this is, we can do this- we will survive, we will continue to grow and love and cherish the life we have left to live, to love and to contribute to those around us, the best we can going forward with our pain, alongside our grief to the journey we now take. 

It's me and you Pax

I received a gift card from a friend for a massage and decided to go yesterday. 

The lady was running late and I had an appointment with a client right after, which increased my anxiety levels just a tad when I was sitting in the waiting room. She came out to get me and we went back to the room. The first thing I did when she left for me to get ready, was giggle. In my old life Steve would have immediately asked me when I was done, on the phone or when I saw him in person, if she was HOT?! Lol, um my answer most definitely would have been no this time for sure. And I am sure we would have had a whole conversation about it. These intimate banter-like conversations, where he could make me laugh, oh do I miss them. 

I miss him. He is suppose to do life with me. I am not suppose to do this without him, I don't want to do this alone and I want him to come back. This is the hardest thing I have ever went through in my entire life. People keep saying I am strong and it is going to be ok, I (we) are going to be okay. Am I strong, YES, will I be okay? that might be up for questioning... somedays I feel like a total basket case, my memory sucks and I can't even complete simple tasks and feel like I am walking around in a fog, sometimes I even do stuff that seems completely out of my ordinary, or I question what the hell I was thinking,  and Oh yes, the damn lateness... I used to be 20 mins early for everything and now I seem to be at least 10 mins late or having to reschedule.

Other days I am happy, full of energy and reminding myself that I am still here, Paxton is still here and Steve would never want us to go through life miserable and depressed. Some days I even feel guilty being happy, but I know I shouldn't. 

 I will be ok, there is no doubt in my mind. My faith is strong and God will guide us through this difficult time and I hope we can use our experience to do amazing things with our life, be a little kinder to one another and ourselves, empathize with those who need it and connect with others in ways that shine. This is still so new and raw at this point and although I do look forward to a future one day where the pain is less, it will never go away, but  I wished with all my might I didn't even have to have it in the first place.

Every dream, every plan, every decision, EVERYTHING I looked forward to in my future included him. Included us together as a family. All of Paxton's firsts, all of my successes, all of our trips, and future events. He is suppose to be there in my plan. I do like to plan ahead, know what is coming and be safe in my decisions and calculations, do I love a good surprise? You bet, but it better be a good one- this is why when you plan and look forward to a future and it all falls apart, it is so hard to figure out how to do it now, what is next, what is your focus and anticipate things falling into place as they should. 

Here we go again with the popular term, new normal.... Nothing is normal and will it ever be again, but maybe it never was. This is our life now going forward and we must accept it and learn to live in a world without him. This is going to be a struggle that no time line can fulfill, there is no book, no instruction manual and no button to shut off our feelings, or tell us how we can build this new life. I have mentioned how impatient I can be at times and it kills me to have to trust that going forward this journey may be filled with many blessings along the way, at times it is hard to see that though. 

Hebrews 11- I cannot stress this enough. 

You are often asked in a job interview or when planning for upcoming business years... What is your 5 year plan your 10 year plan. Mine never not included him. My plan wasn't suppose to turn out this way. 

Sitting at my kitchen table with my friend visiting us tonight and I burst into tears. We are going to Vegas tomorrow for Paxton's baseball tournament, he is suppose to be there, he is suppose to drive, we are suppose to do this together, as a family. I am not suppose to be going alone, cheering on our son....by myself, without him. Every baseball game since he was in the hospital has been so hard, for me and for Paxton. Steve not cheering for him when he did amazing, hit a great shot, blocked a ball, threw a runner out, or yelling at him when he didn't do something right, his little "pep talk" Him not sitting right beside me, keeping track of his hits, pop outs, walks, and strikeouts. They had a great thing going to motivate Paxton to do well, $10 on base and minus $5 if he struck out. This was fun for them to do together, he kept track on his phone. 

This should be an interesting and I am sure emotional weekend. I am going to be the best kind of baseball mama that I can be, encourage Pax to do his best, and give all my attention to him. I know this is our journey and we can do this together. I pray that God gives me patience, perseverance and peace to get through this, enjoy what we can and make our memories going forward count. 

Life is a journey that must be traveled no matter how bad the road or accommodations.   

-Oliver Goldsmith

Decking for the WIN.

 

Grateful. I woke up grateful I had dream, so I know I was in a deeper sleep than I’ve been for quite a long time. I only remember dreaming a time or two since Steve passing -  my dream was about a soccer game I have no clue what that meant but that’s all I really remember. Soccer!! I have no clue because it’s not a game I follow, like or have any interest in. 

I woke up today with a heart of gratitude. Gratitude that I have a different life than my mom did when my dad passed away. I may be close to the same age my mom was when my dad died, and Paxton may be close to the same age I was when my dad died, however I am extremely grateful that our situations are not the same. My mom was a waitress her and  my dad never really made very much money. Although somehow I never seemed to want for anything. She waitressed and got her real estate license when my dad passed away to keep me in the same house I grew up in. I technically own my own business am relatively successful by my own standards and make a decent living- Steve’s income will be missed but not make a huge impact on our life.  We have never really lived outside our means or in a lot of debt.  I actually woke up feeling very grateful and blessed for my situation despite my loss and compared to what my mom had to do. She worked so hard and I barely saw her, but she did it putting me first. I can make my own schedule and I am established enough to not have to make all the same sacrifices she had to. 

Today was a day that Steve’s friends and family were going to come together and create a vision in our orchard that Steve foresaw. One of the very last projects he hadn’t quite finished. 

Their idea to pitch in and make a completion to my backyard oasis is more than I can possibly express my gratitude for. As I write with the tears rolling down… I am truly overwhelmed with the support that we are continuing to be given by the people who love us so much, those who love Steve. 

It says a lot about my character and about the kind of life that I  have lived to be given so much love when you need it the most. Paxton and I are truly blessed and grateful for our community. 

I don’t think I can express, nor do  I  think those that help us can comprehend how truly grateful that we are and how much it truly means to us for what some may consider a simple gesture has truly been a huge blessing. This completion of our backyard oasis I anticipate will give us years of joy, love, memories, tears, happiness and fulfillment. And I am sure Steve is happy to know we have such an army of people caring for us in his absence. 

My heart is full tonight, blessed, humbled and inspired by the love that surrounds us. 

The best thing to do when you find yourself in a hurting or vulnerable place is to surround yourself with the strongest, finest, most positive people you know. Kristin Armstrong

Vitamin D

 

Some days are hectic, some days are overwhelmingly sad, some days are full of energy and excitement for the things I am hopeful for and gaining back an ounce of the person I once was, some days I am just numb. Some days are for self discovery, others are full of anxiety, heartache, pain and I am crazy emotional, some days like yesterday there was a good mix of all of it... Welcome to my roller coaster, please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, you can not anticipate the timing of the next sharp turn.

Paxton has been asking me to turn my office (junk room) into a "teen room" like his aunts. Where him and his friends can hang out with an actual couch instead of them all piling on his bed in his room. I think this is a great idea. Plus if we get a sleeper sofa, I can have more of my family visit at a time without worry to where they will sleep. He is determined to get this room cleaned out, painted, carpeted (it has been a concrete floor for 2 years since we carpeted the other bedrooms because I wasn't sure if I wanted carpet or tile). He is looking forward to making it his own, picking stuff out for it and decorating.  It like me with my household projects I am looking forward to that have always been on my list of "to do's" since we moved here, is giving him something he can control as well as something to look forward to and something to occupy our thoughts. Right now, this is the hope we have for the future. Enjoying the things we can do and can make better. With this project comes a lot of organization and finding places for the "junk" to go. 

My niece has been coming to help and we are actually having a lot of fun and laughs in the process. We will probably need a dumpster for a lot of this stuff. (seriously where does all this stuff we collect come from and most of all why do we save so much!) To be honest I found a baggie full of odds and ends, from keys, to screws, nuts, bolts and some stuff that I didn't know what it even was. I contemplated looking through each thing and then decided if I haven't needed any of it thus far I didn't need it. And threw the whole bag in the trash can! 

I have already made 1 trip to Goodwill and anticipate quite a few more. When you start organizing better it takes you to the next room which leads you to feel like you need to work there too! Simplify is my new motto. If I can eliminate what we don't need, place things into spaces where things I do need are convenient to find... my life will get just a little easier. 

Now to tackle Steve's garage so that I can actually find things. This does seem a bit overwhelming. You would have thought as meticulous as he was with projects and the length he went to to make them as flawless as possible he would have been more organized... Maybe he just knew where everything was, or maybe we have doubles and triples of lots of things because he re-bought stuff we have because he didn't know we had it! In any case I look forward to the day when I can declutter and simplify my life just a little to lighten the load and live with less stuff on my plate. 

For now this is what makes me happy. It is the little things and the one hour at a time therapy and grace I am allowing myself to get to a better place, not to get over or through this pain, that I never will, but to live my new life the most effective and best way I know how for our situation and needs for our future.

So yesterday in the middle of the day on Thursday I decided that Vitamin D Therapy is what I needed and I relaxed, listened to music, ignored my phone, and tried to be still my mind for about an hour and 1/2. I am truly grateful for the design talent and the vision Steve had and the oasis he left behind for me and Pax. 

And the journey continues, one step at a time. 

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10. 

“Be still' means to stop striving, stop fighting, relax. It also means to “put your hands down”. Sometimes we put our hands up to defend ourselves from all that life can bring our way...

He will learn to love it too.

We went to bed last night with a ripped up yard and dirt waiting for the new turf we got today." I am going to hate it, Dad is suppose to take care of it... it is suppose to still be still here." " I hate playing in artificial turf, it is suppose to be real grass." "He is suppose to be taking care of it." "I would have mowed it if you gave me a chance." (we went 4 weeks with no one mowing it)  This is what I heard when he crawled into my bed at 2:30 AM. I just hugged him and said, " I know buddy." Thanks to Steve's buddy Pat, the guys were here working on it all day for 2 days... Pax was definitely mad, distracted and distraught the last 2 days. He has been struggling emotionally for the last week, already. Adjusting is hard and I think it is finally settling in that he isn't dreaming and will wake up soon... This IS his NEW life. There are only so many things you can do to distract your thoughts and sometimes you are just over the crying too! 

We argued all day today,  arguing about everything until we cried. Celena came to clean my house and probably thought I was a crazy lady. I had enough! I told him to get in the car and we just drove, we had Dutch and got gas in my car. I told him we could do anything he wanted to do. He just wanted to come home and play with his friends. That is ok, sometimes he just needs to escape, and I am not the escape he is looking for, and to be honest, he is not always mine. We sure have a bond but sometimes we just need space, to take care of ourselves in our own way. He definitely has more opportunity for this than I do. 

My patience is thin, my attention span is shortened and I get overwhelmed pretty easily these days. Things that never used to bother me do, and things I used to like to do I haven't found much interest in, and things I miss the most seem to invade my thoughts regularly and obsessively.  Sometimes I just don't feel like doing something I am responsible for at all and somedays I have the energy of a new puppy and get a lot accomplished! I can want to do something one minute and not the next. It is just bizarre this grief thing, especially at this magnitude. I lost the partner I chose that I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with along with all our hopes and dreams we planned for together. I have been through grief before but never have I been fully responsible for a 12 year old all by myself too! Like I said I just want to fix it for him. It breaks my heart to see his pain. I ask myself every day "can I do this? Am I saying and doing the right thing? Am I doing my best to get him through this when I am falling apart too?" 

I have given myself the grace to have my moments, to take MY time, not what someone else defines as the way I need to grieve, one minute at a time, one day at a time, but impatient me just wants to see how it ends... LOL. 

You Say, Lauren Daigle

I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
Ooh-oh

You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And you say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe (I)
Oh, I believe (I)
What You say of me (I)
I believe

Taking all I have, and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure, God, You have every victory

When you just have to decide... no looking back.

 

Our weekend we thought ended on a high note. A wonderful weekend of baseball, 4 wins 0 losses and a championship ring! On base 7 times, with a beautiful double to center field and It all came to a crashing ending last night where once again I was up until midnight with a boy whose mind doesn't really shut off these days. No mother ever wants to see their young child suffer through this and not be able to fix it for them. 

He and I have went back and forth over the front yard grass for 2 months now. I think it is in our best interest to put in artificial turf. For the sake of the maintenance that goes along with the tiff grass, and the lack of regualr landscapers that truly know how to take care of it. He was reluctant but we discussed it often and then he finally agreed, an then took it back. He wants to think he can take care of it when in reality all he wants is his dad to still be here taking care of it, he really doesn't want to. He thinks he will but then he doesn't. 

My friend gave him the idea to save a patch of it and plant it in a planter so that he can have a piece of his dad's hard work.  Bless her heart, my rescuer. We went to Home Depot after the game and bought planters. Yes, 2... he said in case one dies. She would set it up on a drip for him this weekend and then he could mow and care for it, while I can enjoy the low maintenance of artificial turf. Would I rather have real grass heck yes I would, but I also need to not consume all of my down time with all of Steve's projects. He is afraid the artificial grass will look stupid (cause it isn't what we are used to there) and that his dad will be angry that we took out his project.

Last night he came in my room crying that he really wanted to keep the grass, which didn't last too long before it switched to begging his dad to come back, pleading with God and questioning WHY this had to happen in the first place,  what was the purpose? In between sniffles and not being able to breath through his nose with tears streaming down my face as quietly as I could as to try and give him the attention he needed and allow him the moment all I could say was "Buddy, honestly, I wish I knew and I miss him too and me too and I know it isn't fair" over and over again, as if the next time I said it everything would just be ok!  It is so hard for me to see him suffer like he is and not be able to give him a solid answer. Not be able to fix it or bring his dad back. You can give me all your theories and interpretations of biblical references, but in actuality do any of us really know why, except this world is filled with many imperfections and heartache and pain and trying to understand the things we may never know is so exhausting. All we can do is trust and hope for a better future, for us and for them. 

When my mom passed away on Jan 8, 2015 I had less than 30 days to pack up her house and purge or move everything. She owned her cabin up North but she rented about 2 blocks away from me in the 55+ community at Johnson Ranch and her lease was up at the end of the month. I tried to get an extension but it wasn't granted. They say not to do anything for a full year, but I couldn't afford to pay a year's rent there with no one living in it. So I got the troops together and we purged a lot! My mom was a collector of things and she had a lot of stuff. I had the mindset of  trash, donate, give-away and keep. These were my pile categories.  I made myself decide right away as I picked up an item in order not to dwell on it for too long. I couldn't keep everything I had no where to put it and I wasn't about to pay to store stuff I wasn't going to use. Long story short I do often wish I would have kept some of the things I gave away, but glad that I did what I did, I already have enough stuff of my own. And the things I did keep were most important to me. I have a few tubs in the garage that are my maybe stuff that I would really love to go through again and see what my thoughts are. 

Did I end up joining Paxton in bawling once again last night, you betcha, Am I completely sad that I am ripping out Steve's grass and all the love and care he put into it? I sure am. But it will never look like it did when he cared for it again. I am not a green thumb and I would rather keep the 20+ orchard trees that produce something I can consume and the 3 above ground gardens with some fresh vegetables and herbs we can enjoy, then grass that is nice to look at and probably wouldn't be if you left myself and a 12 year old in charge. Do I think that Steve would be mad at us for doing so? Not at all. Am I making the right decision so soon after his death? I do believe I am leaning toward yes over no. But I am certain that I will have to look at each situation with the approach of no regrets. This is a journey and will I make some mistakes I am certain I will, but just like life without grief we make mistakes and bounce back stronger, this too will be a stepping stone in our journey that will be part of our story. Regrets or not, when you are making a decision you are doing what you think is best at the time. 

Hebrews 11:1 

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Not a Fan

Widow -

The definition is simple a woman whose husband has died.

But hearing  the word I immediately conjure up visions of a black nasty spider or 80+ year old women. Never in a million years would I have thought to call myself this at 42 or even be in the same category. I cannot get myself to even refer to myself as a widow, even though I am. It seems like a negative word. Let me preface by saying I am not fishing for compliments here, just stating how I currently feel. And as I believe feelings are not right or wrong just the way you feel. The last few months have seriously aged me and right now I feel old, overweight, tired, and unattractive. I have and developed more wrinkles then I noticed 3 months ago, or maybe I am just noticing them more. I used to call them character lines. Now they are just wrinkles because my frame of mind is in a different place. The sparkle in my eyes is missing when I smile. I don’t need to age myself 40 years by adding widow to my status on top of how I feel. 

I am seriously trying to find joy and happiness in simple things and trying to occupy my mind with as many hopeful future things as I can so I can briefly take a break from my current state of deep sadness. I am looking forward to artificial turf in my front yard to provide relief in some household tasks and flooring in my orchard next week a project that Steve hasn’t quite finished. So if you see my working on projects remodeling my house or buying new boots or planning the best Cookies and Cocoa with Santa at Anthem K-8 no judging as temporary happiness counts as happiness and distracts me right now. I am certain I won’t always feel this way… I hope. So please if you need to refer to me as anything I am still Dani, (even if it takes me awhile to find her again) not married, unmarried, single or divorced I am widowed, but I would rather not be referred to as that. 

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

J.K.Rowling

Do all that you do With Love in your Heart

 

So I ate my orange yesterday, charred, peeled and topped with brown sugar and cinnamon. The taste wasn't awful, but I don't think I would eat something with that texture ever again...I wanted to gag with every bite. The stringy  dryness was a lot to take in. So far it hasn't helped bring back my smell anymore than I have gotten so far. My friend said it took a couple days for him. The smell of cinnamon was super strong while I was eating it but that was about all I could smell, so I am hopeful it activated something! 

Yesterday was a much better day than the previous. We still had our challenges, especially getting frustrated at certain things, but we made it. I actually made it the whole day only tearing up once talking to an old friend... a first for me. I woke up this morning and the crying arrived so don't get too excited for me... lol. I just know this will all take time and I am praying for patience and guidance each day, several times a day. 

Talking to my friend last night I was telling him about an idea I had based off of an exercise our parents used to do. I have written about this before but if you are new to my blog you may not know. They were part of a group called Marriage Encounter, where people would spend the weekend at retreats to enrich their marriage. Both sets of our parents were heavily involved and would be presenters to other married couples during these weekends. One of the take away exercises that my parents did was to "dialog" several times a week regarding anything going on in their life or marriage. It was a time for them to pose a question, take time to write about it and then exchange, read each other's thoughts, process what they read and discuss their "answers" with one another. This was designed to eliminate the lashing out and defensive factors that often arise when couples argue or verbally combat the other person's feelings when discussing household issues, problems or goals. Steve and I actually did this once or twice but he really wasn't a writer so it never stuck. When my mom passed I burned several boxes of notebooks that they had collected over the years. She saved them, I tossed them because they were intimate to them and I wasn't about to go snooping around in that. 

Being in tune with Paxton I am able to see the stuff that is working and not working for him as he grieves. This is super important to his future development at this age. There are things that will trigger his bad side and things that will make him more empathetic and loving in the future. It is my goal to help shape him into his adult self one trial and error at a time. 

I had bought Paxton a journal to be able to write down his feelings when he needs to to get them out of his head, or write a letter to his dad if he wants. It is pretty blank so far. A few days ago I had the idea that if he and I could take a few times a week to sit down together and pick a subject, like  what things will you miss most now that your dad is gone or what things are you grateful for that dad has taught you, or what things are you grateful for that your dad did to make our future lives easier...or what things that your dad taught you will be most helpful to your future self...  I can do this exercise too to get my thoughts out as well. This would look a little different for us not being a married couple because I feel some of the answers are not shareworthy because they may be too personal or intimate at times. Therefore this would be an exercise we don't exchange, or read each others, maybe we can discuss how getting it out made us feel. 

I know the last 3+ months Paxton has had no issues expressing every little thought he has going in his mind verbally, getting him to write it down might be too much.  Like his dad he isn't much of a writer, last night my friend suggested I should get him an app for his phone where he can verbally record his thoughts and play them back later if that is something that would work better for him. During our 10-15 mins of our exercise time he can go in his room and record his thoughts while I write, or if he wants to record them in front of me that is ok too. Maybe these exercises will work, maybe they will not, but it is worth a try. We all process things differently and coming up with ways that will help us seems worth every idea we can imagine. 

Paxton told me last night about the vivid dreams he has with his dad in them and they are so detailed that if he can record these and play them back years down the road he will always have memories of how his dad made him feel that could never be erased with time or age. 

Everyone of us responds differently to situations and people. All of us have different gifts to offer that make us unique.  If something isn't working in your household or marriage, don't be afraid to try something else. Just because it works for one family doesn't mean it will yours. Remember to tune into how others want to be treated, not how you want to treat them in order to get the most effective response you can get. I am lucky that I have one kid to figure out. Some of you that have multiples, good luck to you, but if you can treat them as individuals, how they respond the way you want them to, it will make all the difference in your parenting I guarantee it. I am not saying give into them for everything they want, just take the time to figure out how to listen to their needs and respond accordingly. 

Romans 12: 6-8 Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.

A Whole Lot of Random Tears

Who bawls for 20 mins in the Tractor Supply parking lot while going to get cat litter?  
                                                

Yep, me! This girl over here! 

I had to send Paxton and Aidan in for it... I was a complete hot mess and just couldn't stop.  

Grieving emotions are so unpredictable! I was able to go Steve's whole funeral service without shedding one tear (people might have even judged me for this!) But Random thoughts in a Tractor Supply parking lot at 8:00 PM apparently do me in! Geez... my tears spilled over into the circle K parking lot where the boys pumped my gas. I almost guarantee the women in the little white car next to us was probably worried if I was ok. 

One minute you can be happy and laughing with your son and his friend, eating popcorn at a movie theater and then BOOM! You are enveloped by the deepest sadness that you have felt all day, even though the day was just hard anyway.  Yesterday was two months since Steve passed and I didn't really pay much attention to the date but felt seriously sad all day! I woke up crying, went to bed crying, teared up at least 10 times in the middle of the day, used my handy dandy makeup touch up kit I carry around at least 4 times- 

So if you didn't call me you probably dodged a bullet because certain people I talked to sent me into crying, not because of them necessarily... I was just super emotional. and teared up A LOT, I hope no one thought it was them.. LOL. For those of you I talked to, bless your heart for not hanging up.. hahaha... And Congrats if you got to talk to or see me on a good moment! 

Paxton had a hard last  4-5 days that I had to be strong and help him through his emotion and struggles.

I cried with him at times that I just couldn't "fix" this for him, I can't make it go away and I can't imagine what he is going through as I have never been in his shoes. Sure I lost my dad when I was 14 but like I said I was a girl and 14. He is a boy who is 12. What a crucial time to lose your dad! So much more to learn, so much to experience that he could have continued teaching to our son that is no longer available. Sure he has lots of people he can reach out to with lots of skills that he is interested in, but it is NOT the same. People have their own lives too and are not going to be as readily available as Steve would be, plus there is something about that connection/bond that will never ever be matched. 

I know this journey is just beginning and honestly it will never end, we will just learn to adjust to this life. There are so many more things to mourn then just the loss of a husband or spouse in this situation. A friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that what a lot of people don't realize (and maybe I didn't either until she pointed it out) is how we aren't only grieving the loss of our husband but the loss of so many things that we have been accustomed to. When you put it into that scale of magnitude, it really can sound overwhelming, but it actually helps me realize that I am not crazy for having all the sad moments at what I think is random times because there is so much to be sad about. 

I got out of bed, I went to my office for a few hours and I bought cat litter. If that is all I accomplished yesterday then I think I was winning! 

"How are you and Paxton doing" is loaded question, and you can ask me 30 different times a day with probably a different answer depending on the moment, if all you are hoping that I say is "fine, ok, doing better" PLEASE just DON'T ask. Because I will probably be honest and tell you and there may be a little crying involved and I cannot guarantee what crazy answer you may get. 

Paxton and I will eventually learn to incorporate a balance of what distracts us from our sad thoughts and makes us happy in the moment at some point but right now we just need to give ourselves the grace that it may take some trial and error and a whole lot of disappointment to get there. 
The process is different for everyone and I now have limited expectations. 

Joshua 1:9

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Makeup Just in Case

Some of the littlest things during the day can abruptly change your whole thought process, this is essentially heightened when you are grieving. I saw this 30 day gratitude chart on a friend's Facebook page this morning. I decided to share in the spread of gratitude on my FB page as well. But instead of posting the whole thing I thought it would be good to go through every day and post the question it poses per day, answer it myself and then ask people to participate with their favorite responses. In my mind this is allowing me to think of things that I’m even more grateful for and help me through this holiday season by reading what other people are grateful for and sparking more things that I can be grateful for. 

The first day which I missed yesterday since I didn't read her post until this morning, was what smells are you grateful for? I immediately thought of pumpkin scents that I love during Fall and I have only been able to get a slight whiff of occasionally most recently.  After posting and reading a few peoples comments my thoughts turned to the smell of Steve. 

With Covid back in July I lost my smell. And anybody who knows me well knows that I have a super strong sense of smell. Almost to the point it annoys people sometimes because I’m always asking if they could smell a certain thing that was strong to me but of course most times they couldn’t but I definitely could. One thing being pee. I absolutely used to be able to walk into a home and could tell you if they ever had animals and usually what kind! Almost like I was obsessed with it, not pee... just obsessed if people had the same strength of smell that I did. This thinking turned my mind to thoughts of when people lose someone they hang onto their clothing and don’t wash it because it still has that person's smell on it. Nostalgia 101. I every once in awhile I will smell the smell of my grandma's basement, and it wasn't pleasant. She had German Shepherds who she let poop in the basement, which combined with the mildew/musty smell of an old Midwestern home has stuck in my nose all these years and I will NEVER own a German Shepherd because of that. 

I remember savoring her smell when my mom died, she had a zip-up hoodie sweatshirt she wore a lot and I just remember keeping it in my closet and smelling it when I would get sad! People most often times have a distinct smell to them. It was comforting to me to do this. I feel like I was robbed of that when Steve died, there were lots of articles of clothing laying around when he was in the hospital and I could NOT smell any of them! Because I cannot smell much right now, and I know that his smell will not last forever, and I will probably not have the opportunity much longer and it has probably already went away.

 On and off for a few months now I’ll get a whiff of something but then it goes away and when I completely pull it up to my nose I can’t smell it at all. When Steve was in the hospital I had a run in with some lavender essential oil that ended me up in urgent care, but that is a story for another time. Still not fully having my smell helps with the stinky pigs I’m raising right now that my husband bought and brought home the weekend before he got sick, never my intention for them to be my responsibility! Although I often wonder what the neighbors think... Lol. They will go to butcher soon so not such a big deal. When I asked last week the neighbor behind me didn't seem to think they smelled at all... That is winning in my book. HA! But it also makes me curious if I smell like body odor ever or something else that doesn’t smell so good and no one is telling me!!! I am definitely trying the cinnamon and orange trick a friend posted earlier as soon as I get to the store for an orange. Ill let you know if it works for me. 

Anyway I will have to say that my favorite smell in the whole wide world was to be nestled in the crook of Steve’s arm while laying in bed- the smell of his deodorant mix with his sweat. That might sound disgusting to some people but I LOVED it! It never smelled like that out of the deodorant tube - believe me I have tested it in the past just to see and it was never the deodorant itself it was his chemical reaction to the deodorant. Sadly my son nor anyone else who would wear the same deodorant would ever smell the same as Steve did! That’s why sometimes you can buy the same perfume as someone else and it smells completely different on you then it does on them. All of us have a different chemical make up and our skin reacts and sweats differently and therefore you can love the way it smells on the clerk at the store, buy it and not love it on you... All the while this stuff is going on inside my head

and then it hit me… 

I will NEVER smell his smell again. 

Which throws me into a tailspin of crying that I otherwise hadn't anticipated for the day. But honestly I almost can never anticipate how my day will go, or when the slightest thought will spill the tears. Hence the bag of makeup I carry around with me everywhere I go. And thanks to the girls at Rail 3 Ranch, my favorite leather goods store in Florence, I even got a new makeup bag as mine was many years old, ratty, and torn and I figured my makeup deserved to be carried around in style just in case.

Savor the good moments, memories, smells and all the rest,  let go of the bad ones. Forgive when it feels like you can't, don't hold grudges over stupid things, talk through your problems, issues or obstacles with your spouse or loved one, we often assume what people are thinking instead of actually asking them what they are thinking, HOPE and most of all LOVE. Love is the greatest gift you can give someone! Don't be stingy with it, you have more than you realize. 

As I have been told and I’ve mentioned before that grief is bottled up love that has no where to go because the person you gave it to is no longer there, I had a huge amount of love that I gave to Steve every single day and I still have it but it has nowhere to go. I also have an empty space once filled up with his love that remains a hole that isn't being filled. There are so many things you don't realize until you actually experience them when grieving. Make sure that you are sharing how you feel with your loved one, filling their hole and they are filling yours. Communicate, talk to one another and tell them how you feel. I had an amazing marriage, of course it had its ups and downs but the LOVE I poured into it and received kept it going strong, even with our little quirks and expectations of one another, and that will be something that can never be replaced. 

I have had several people tell me that I will find "love" again, they just know it or they are confident of it or they can see it... a funny thing to say after a recent death of the man you have been with for over 23 years and the only "love" you have ever known. But I think people are sometimes not sure WHAT to say and they just want to give you HOPE for a better future. I tell myself everyday that people mean well no matter what they say. Finding a new someone may or may not be the case for my future. This is the beginning of my journey. I am definitely not seeking it NOW and no matter what my future looks like I would never LOVE someone the same again. 

As I am finishing up this blog my friend called and Paxton who had no idea what I was even writing about came into the room to tell us a joke! I'll leave you with this since this made my cry because we were laughing so hard.

"What do you call an over 80 dating site? 

AlmostTooLate.com then that spiraled into YouAreTooOldForThis.com, FinalDestination.com, ReadyToExpire.com,  LastChance.com, and so many more I can't even remember! Laughter is truly the best medicine sometimes. It may not fix it but it sure can temporarily change my state of mind and right now that can be such a blessing to me when I need it. 

No rule book included

 This weekend was hard! Tears came so many times for both of us. Paxton struggled A LOT! Missing his dad A LOT. The baseball clinic was hard, his dad wasn't there to tell him what he was doing right or wrong. Coaches and other dads are NOT his dad no matter how much knowledge they have.  I am NOT his dad, no matter how much knowledge about baseball I could have or learn, it is just NOT the same.  I am not jealous that he wants his dad instead of me for these types of things I am mad and sad that his dad isn't here to share them with him, to encourage him, to yell at him.  At one point he told me he was just going to quit baseball because all it does is make us cry. I know he didn't mean it but I let him get frustrated and held back trying to reason with him or talk him out of it. He didn't quit he just needed a moment. There is no rule book for this. Everyone who experiences grief can have similar stories, but no 2 grieving families are ever the same! 

We argued a lot about chores, expectations of each other and what things are important right now and what are not and he pushed my buttons more times then I care to count, honestly I don't know if I could count them. My patience over the last few days has been super thin. He got a little mouthy, he thought he was a know-it-all at times, he even got a little obnoxious a few times where I had to remind him to chill. We had a heart-to-heart and as much as it pains me not to give into him because I know right now life isn't fair, I also had to have him understand that I can't say yes to everything or every peculiar behavior because that isn't going to be good for him in the long run in this journey going forward. I need to still be a parent, no matter how much my life would be easier in the moment by saying yes to everything or pushing stuff under a rug, turning my cheek or plugging my ears.  I know he is a tweener with best friends who are all 13-14 years old all trying to figure this Jr. High thing out...  some of this stuff he would still be going through even without loosing his dad! Now is the time I want to scream out to Steve, "WTF were you thinking leaving me with a boy at such a crucial time in his development! Thanks A LOT!"  

We surrounded ourselves with good friends this weekend, like everyday! This helped.  We love the invites and we love to feel included. We had so many invites for Halloween and that warms my heart!  I am just very anxious and have a hard time committing to things as I don't know how either one of us will feel at any given moment, let alone the whole day. I am having a hard time committing especially to things that involve more than a few people. I don't necessarily want to be in that type of setting right now. I don't want to have to explain myself to people or be asked "how we are doing" over and over again, I don't want to have to feel obligated to bring something or make something or participate in conversations if I don't want to have or don't feel like I am being a listener to their stories as my mind wanders to other things. I don't know why... I just don't. Sometimes talking about Steve helps, sometimes it doesn't. Remember I am still over here trying to figure this all out and I have no time frame to how long that will take.  

School has been hard for Paxton and he struggles to stay focused, to concentrate and not to allow his mind to wander at school, this in turn causes him to not want to stay and causes me to have to intercede or pick him up repeatedly. He never liked school much before and hated to go back after long breaks, so this experience over the last 3 months hasn't helped. 

We went back and forth a lot, tried to change up some of his classes, talked to school admin and other people who have been through similar experiences. For now home schooling is the option we are choosing at least until the end of the year. He needs time to process, he needs to focus on school one-on-one until he has time to process everything else in our "new" lives. Here I am honestly not asking for anyone's opinion or advice. I am just simply stating that right now for our circumstances this was the best decision we could make. He was already falling behind and missing school when Steve was sick and first passed away. The school was amazing in allowing him the time and not counting things against him, just in favor when he did them, but they cannot continue to do that and me in good faith assume he is actually learning anything.  This will give him the opportunity to get the stuff done on our time and most effectively right now. It will also give him the time to spend with me that he needs to get through the holidays and process all of the changes. To do some of the things he enjoys during the day when his "school" is over.  I have a degree, a substitute teaching certificate too, but honestly being he is my own kid, I fear for my sanity and patience... but here is to looking forward to a better end result and biting the bullet to put him and his education and mental state  in front of my own. Together we can do this and I think it is the best decision we can make at this fork in the road. May the journey be soft on both of us. 

This is a temporary solution to a temporary problem. Death is definitely not a problem you can fix and there is no magic pill for grief, but you can find solutions to the problems created by the loss that you have experienced and that is what we are doing, finding solutions to those problems, one at a time!

If anyone is out there in our cheering section and needs my address, coffee and wine will always be accepted... LOL! 

Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than that you have in your mind. David G Allen. 

8 weeks ago today I lost a man who was a huge part of my life for over 23 years. As I sat reading my bible and drinking my coffee this morning, my mind started to wander over to the things that I have been committing to in the past verses lately. Tears in my eyes I thought of the things I want to do, be a part of, follow-thru with be "normal." I want to BE the person I was in July. As hard as I want to stay that person ; the yes person, the person who is the first to volunteer and the last to ever back out or cancel on someone or something, the go-getter, do-all, remember everything, follow-up, card sender, positive light....

 But try as I might I am not the person I was in July and I don't think I will ever find her again. Maybe parts of her and I hope the best ones will remain, but you see when Steve died a part of me died as well. I have been forever changed and no matter how hard I try I will never get her back.  I was having a conversation with a friend of a friend who lost her husband 6 months ago. She was saying how her 2 kids had changed so much over the past 6 months and how much she realized she herself had changed. It almost scared me into trying to hold on to the old me. I have to realize I am NOT the old me. My world has been shaken and nothing will be "normal" again. 

Normal is such a weird word. I had to look up the actual definition. the usual, average, or typical state or condition.

When you really consider it, who wants to be normal? I definitely don't consider myself average, and with the kind of job I have where things change constantly and every client is a new experience my life is far from usual.  I love the challenge of new things, new people and new experiences. But you do settle into routines for a lot of the things that you do. You get comfortable. You get used to that person by your side who had their own passions, routines, and a role in your life. I had 23 years of having  a normal together, changing together and experiencing life together. When those things all of a sudden have to be your responsibility or lost it breaks your heart. You want to carry on everything they loved in their honor, but realistically you can't!

My heart wants to continue carrying on all the hobbies and beautiful things that Steve did for our family and for our home, but my body, my mind and my soul has to let go of the things that will set us up for  stress, anxiety and arguments in my household going forward. One being his beloved Tiff grass that he diligently and lovingly took care of. It will never look the same again. We don't have the skills, the time, the energy or the know how to make it what he did. For those of  you who don't know it is a golf course green. The people who take care of golf courses have a set of skills that most typical landscapers do not possess. So finding someone who knows as much about our yard like Steve learned would be few and far between.  Once Paxton's activities got to be more and Steve didn't want to miss a single memory to be made with him, over the years he got a little more lax in how he took care of it. Sometimes he would go a week without mowing and this type of grass is typically mowed every 2-3 days at our house. We put artificial turf in our backyard for a reason. After weeks of struggling with Paxton to mow and take care of it if he truly wanted to keep up the grass in honor of his dad... I think I finally won. We went 4 weeks! It looked awful and I was embarrassed but I had to just come to terms with the fact that we are NOT Steve and it will never be the same. Have I shed tears over it, you bet I have. It is something that I didn't want to change either, however I have come to terms with the fact that Steve would never want us or expect us to take care of things quite like he did. He had wonderful hobbies that contribute to our lifestyle but we cannot make them ALL our own or we would run ourselves into the ground with frustration, stress, and anxiety. We have our own passions and hobbies and interests we want to pursue as well. So hopefully in the next few weeks I can post a picture of our new grass that we will be able to enjoy for years to come, stress-free. We may tear up when we look at it, but the overall goal for what is right for Paxton and I will prevail.

My heart isn't in everything I do right now and that is ok. It is hard for me to admit that, but I am sure that I will get back my passion for the things I love and the passion to help people. Right now some days I don't even know if I can help myself so my confidence in being there for others has slowly decreased. Committing to doing things is super hard, because I just don't know how I am going to feel on any given day. Grief is a funny thing. I have lost many loved ones in my life and nothing compares to the loss of a spouse for me. For my in-law the loss of a son probably doesn't compare to any other loss they have experienced, or the loss of an only sibling to my sister-in-law as they were so close in the latter years and talked to each other probably every day. I may have lost my father early, but as I have said before, I was a girl who lost her dad who still had her mom, my loss was definitely not less traumatic than Paxton losing his dad, but different! We are all different and handle things differently. Those of you who have experienced grief I am sure can paint your own picture with your experience that is unique to you. 

We will all change. Life changes, circumstances change. Don't be afraid to change into someone else. Our bodies change, our minds change, we grow, we develop, we gain new interests and let go of old ones. This too is OKAY. It may be scary, it may not be what we thought our lives would look like at a certain point, but unless we embrace the changes at some point, we will all be stuck. I never want to be stuck. I may linger for a little bit, be resistant to what is coming, and hesitate a little longer on the decisions and choices going forward, but I am still here with my 12 year old son and we have plenty of life left to live and I hope that the choices we make going forward make our lives those that we are meant to live, contribute, love and make this world somehow a better place. 

Paxton just woke as I was writing this and he sat down at the kitchen table with tears in his eyes. His dream was so real he said, he dad came back and was completely part of his dream like a normal day on vacation that we shared with one another. He said in the dream he was so excited like his dad was here to stay. But Steve told him that he could not, he could only visit and my heart broke for him, watching the tear stream down his face.  I am glad that these dreams are so real for him, even though they may be heartbreaking when he wakes up, he will forever be reminded of how much he meant to his dad and how proud he is of him from the past and how proud he can make him in his future. He is a good kid and I have faith that he will do great things. 

No, this isn't where I saw my life in July, but this is reality and it is ours as a family, unique to us where we are free to dream, create and develop a life we want to live going forward. A lot of people refer to it as your "New Normal" Sometimes that phrase makes me cringe. I don't want a "new" normal, but then again I can't have the old one so instead we must embrace our lives going forward and make them our own, challenges, obstacles and heartbreaks aside, we definitely will handle this. 

Beautiful Things by Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change, at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come out from this ground, at all?

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found, in you

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new,
You are making me new
You make me new,
You are making me new
(Making me new)

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
Oh, you make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new,
You are making me new
You make me new,
You are making me new

Source: LyricFind Gungor