Sometimes it takes some reorganizing in life and in your mind in order to get where you are intended to be. I have been doing a lot of weeding in my yard, garden, orchards, and flower beds lately. Those wonderful late winter rains we had and then high temperatures have brought them fast, furious and anchored. They are unwanted, unnecessary and sometimes a bitch to get rid of. Last weekend I spent two partial days weeding and still wasn't free of their roots.
Work has been super busy lately! Good busy, crazy busy, negative busy, and not necessary busy but stuff that needs to be addressed nonetheless. I used to think that every "opportunity" that came my way was something I needed to attend to, take on, or solve a problem for someone else. Not everything that comes my way is meant for me. This is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, doors open that you should leave that way, some need to be closed half-way, others shut completely and some need to be slammed before they even make it fully opened so you are not doing damage control later on. Just like the weeds the more you take on at once, the more you feel you need to fix other peoples problems or save them from something the more embedded those weeds become and are hard to get rid of once relationships form no matter how toxic.
Clients for me seem to be the hardest. I pray that God brings me the people that need my help the most, but lately I have been thinking my prayers need a different direction. I am not meant to help everyone that crosses my path, maybe I my learning: experience is saying no before I let it break me. Too often what I feel is me serving God by helping someone else is actually stealing my joy and not from God. I have worked so hard to create a peace about me and to find joy in everyday since Steve died. I need to protect that and weed out as many things as I can that threaten it. Just a few days ago lI et a potential client know that I wasn't the right match for her to meet or fulfill her expectations and needs without being blunt enough to say she wasn't the right match for me and I foresaw her draining all of my energy and joy. ( I don't want to burn bridges.) My franchise has created opportunities for me that I never dreamed of but with that comes some unwanted connections and things that need to be sifted through to weed out what doesn't bring me peace, profit or potential.
I was making a cup of coffee the other day in my kitchen just mentally going through all the days tasks, to-do list, and what to prioritize. One of them being the weed take over that I now NEEDED to tackle verses wanted to tackle in my acre plus yard. I am sure Steve is looking down fretting over how bad we let it get, but guess what? Even though he would have never let it get this bad, he also isn't here to help, he left it on my plate and all of everything I deal with daily on my own doesn't allow me to be able to tend to or give everything the same level of attention we once did tackling things times the power of 2. I have Paxton but also he has responsibilities and hobbies that take precedence as well. Obviously I cannot take care of everything at once and some things are needier than others especially when it comes to my business and what is putting food on my table verses my outdoor view. Although Steve created an outdoor space for me that I thank God for everyday and do strive to keep it looking its best to enjoy it. You should feel peace in your own space.
I tend to take other's emotions and needs upon myself, trying to satisfy their expectations, find solutions to problems, and make them happy. I want those that I serve to feel the excellent service that I provide and send me referrals because of the job I did! I want to be that go-to person for all your real estate needs and I have strived for 25 years to go above and beyond and leave my mark, to be the great, knowledgeable expert in my field that everyone thinks of when they are ready to buy and sell. It is natural to want to be remembered in that way, if you didn't you are probably in the wrong profession. I want to be helpful, encouraging, and the person who contributes to you having a smooth experience, despite all the stress a sale or purchase can bring! It can be a lot and if I can make it that much easier, simpler, or convenient for you I am going to try my best. Sometimes this especially when you have 15 listings, 8 things in escrow and about 10 other up and coming possibilities your mind can spin like a whirlwind and seem extra heavy. Organizing all that can be overwhelming but the potential of it all can be satisfying.
Paxton came out of his teen room to talk to me and when he went back into it the door shut in such a way that I heard a crash in the hall, I went over and saw the picture frame from one of the hall shelves came crashing to the floor, but not just any picture frame, Steve and I's pewter anniversary frame that I had one of my favorite photos of us in, it was laying on the floor, glass all around popped out of the frame with another picture behind, not sure if you guys do this but when I switch out photos I don't always take out the last one, just put a new one over it. lol. It was a black and white photo from I don't even recall when, we look like babies... lol. The flood gates opened and the tears immediately fell from my eyes. definitely not what I expected. I mean it was glass, the frame was fine, photos were fine, but where I was in my mind at that moment it just hit a little different. Paxton came out looked at me grabbed a broom and cleaned it up. I was grateful that he silently just took care of it rather than asking me "why' I was crying, telling me not to cry or wait until I cleaned it up. I felt like the whole day through a few emotional instances that came my way but I did get through it. Still here and writing about it! HA!
Later on that night I was at Mark's house I told him earlier about the frame. He was extra sensitive to my needs and I love that about him. As we sat on the couch after dinner I scrolled through Facebook and a memory video popped up of the Artisan grill Steve built back in 2020, being a video and seeing his arm in the frame I wasn't sure what to expect when I clicked on it. My mind quickly went to whether or not clicking on the video would produce his voice that would ignite instant tears especially since a crashed frame did so early that day, and my emotions were already heightened. I clicked anyway, we watched the video, besides Steve's arm raising and lowering the grill from the wheel, no voice and no face, no tears. Mark suggested that we grill something on it soon which brought a whole other set of emotions tied to gratitude for him being in my life and God knowing exactly who and what I needed to move forward happy and help me replace joy that had diminished after his death. It blows my mind that I found someone who can help me celebrate and remember a man that was a huge part of my life and he never even met! That is love right there. Sometimes I feel guilty for being happy and finding joy. I think that is natural to feel that way, but also okay to be happy. I am still here, Steve is not.
I watched the series this past week called The Madison, with Michelle Pfeiffer (I love her by the way). I admire her characters for the Classic, Beautiful, Strong and Determined roles she plays. Delving in I didn't really know what to expect, but the tears did come. I know it is just a show. But I would say it came at the right time with all the said above. Something I connected to and pulled at my heart strings enough to resonate with. Without giving away the whole series her husband dies, she looks to discover who she is without him, and what he loved that she never took the opportunity to enjoy with him. Another character in the show lost his wife and looks to find love with Michelle's character's daughter. In one scene he says "we don't need to compare anything, it isn't fair" and the daughter replies back "that part of your heart that she has she can keep." Taylor Sheridan sure knew how to develop these characters to not only come together to make the show work, but tell a story that is relatable in real life.
So, yes, it is natural for me to still love Steve in the way that consumed 23 years of my life that would still be lived in if he was here. But he is not. So I need to allow myself to feel love for and to feel loved by someone without comparison in the NOW who occupies a different piece of my heart with everything I want and need in this moment in time, and without guilt.
Things I am learning to practice
You don't have to take on every person, project or opportunity that comes your way
It is okay to say NO to protect your peace you are not responsible for other people's happiness
You can not give 100% to many different things at once, prioritize for YOU even if you think someone else might be disappointed
You can love something/one new without stopping loving something/one old
Choose the people who can grow and learn with you and let go of those who hold you back or don't support you
Happiness and Joy are a choice and something you have to choose everyday no one thing or person can give you these things, you have to create and accept them
Until next time... choose joy over the rest.
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