Healing With The Squirrel Method

 

This weekend we enjoyed some great distractions from friends in Payson for a graduation party Saturday and yesterday some time on their boat at the lake despite the monsoon storm. I had stuff to do at home for sure, I always do, but most of the time it can wait.  

 Shiny object syndrome in my mind is anything that diverts your immediate attention onto something else in order not to deal with the problem at hand. I looked up the actual definition and it is the tendency for someone to chase something new, be it an idea, trend, or goal, rather than stay focused on what they are doing. Another example that some people use is the word SQUIRREL when someone is easily distracted by something else. Sometimes we use this phrase to be funny. I do it a lot with Paxton and him with I, because both of us can tend to veer off from what we are doing or working on especially if it is something we don’t want to do, or we are getting bored with. And it usually breaks up the seriousness of a situation and we laugh! It can definitely turn into a problem if you are never accomplishing something, and you are always distracted, but in my opinion in terms of grief it is a blessing.

Some may say if you are distracting yourself with shiny objects or activities or thoughts that take you away from your immediate situation or task at hand that you really aren’t focusing on what needs to be done or solving the root of the problem at hand. Diverting your attention from one thing to another is temporary, and in most cases not a good problem solver or it prolongs you getting something done.

The thing with grief is that it is not a problem to be solved, EVER, it is something that you experience in life that you must learn to live with it, alongside it, learn how to cope with the feelings it causes you and the life you now must live without that person by your side. You are not meant to “get over” the person.  You are meant to learn to move forward and live your life by incorporating the best things about that person, the things they taught you about yourself, and life and move forward with yours, you still have important stuff to accomplish or you most likely wouldn’t be here.

The shiny objects whether they have monetary value, are in the form of new friendships or relationships, new activities, or experience, changes you make that might be too painful a remembrance of that person and you replace them with something else, new places you have never been, or a place that you stop visiting because you frequented it with that person and every time you go it hurts too much. These are all forms of coping.   Coping mechanisms are strategies people use in the face of stress/trauma to help manage painful or difficult emotions.

You are in a sense diverting your attention or clinging onto these new things to feel better, to lessen your sadness or distract your attention and continue to live. The actual definition of shiny object alludes to the fact that these things don’t usually stick, and they definitely don’t in the case of grief replace what you are missing they just make what you are missing easier to bear. If these things are not harmful to you or your family or anyone else, or not allowing you to function in the here and now by being too distracting, they can be a real blessing. You need to continue to live despite your grief. I have stressed several times over the past 11 months of this crazy journey since Steve got sick, that Paxton and I are still here. We need to cherish the experiences that we had with Steve, continue to feel the love that we shared, use the things he taught us, and celebrate the life that he lived in our memories. The saying goes, be the things you loved the most about the people who are gone (I truly believe this is good practice- I put this on our Christmas card this past year).

Grief is not something to get over, it is like a stain on your favorite shirt that gets lighter the more you wash it, but it never really goes away and you know it is there, even if most people may not notice it glancing at you, so you wear it anyway because it is your favorite shirt. You will carry that grief in different forms along your journey, but you will never forget it and it is a permanent stain on your heart. It may get a little lighter as you move forward, just like the shirt you will have other shirts that you can wear in between this one when you are reminded of that sauce you spilled, you will have experiences and people to distract you from your grief and just know that is ok. Just as the shirt being your favorite you can’t wear it every day, you will get to the point where there will be more new experiences to enjoy, people to celebrate and calm you,  and things that make you happy on your journey and the thoughts, sadness, and negative feelings will hopefully fade like the stain so that you may flourish and live out your God given purpose using the talents, abilities and experiences you have to do what you are intended to do in life, while enjoying it along the way.

I firmly believe that God is present in our lives, but we have free will to make our own decisions, and the ability to control our reactions to situations and circumstances, even when we cannot control them I also believe that happiness is a choice. If you are constantly pointing out the things that go wrong, the bad stuff in our lives or the lack of things we have and dwell on what is missing, you are missing out on life. As I have said previously… take what you have and make what you want. Focus on the good rather than the bad. It is ok to be sad, get down, allow yourself time to even get angry but you just can’t live every day this way and wait to be happy when only good things happen to you.

Happiness starts with you every morning when you wake up, it is a choice that you really can’t get from any other person or shiny object unless you choose to be happy, if you wait for those things to come to you, you might be easily disappointed every single time. Start today by finding things to be grateful for and reasons to be happy, even if it is in the smallest things. Write them down or say them out loud, this makes it more real than just those thoughts you have in your head.

Your mindset is amazing when you train it to believe in the good and stop focusing on the bad or lack of things. It is a daily habit, it may not come naturally to you, but practice and experience thinking positively can make your life so much more enriching than concentrating negatively all the time because you feel robbed of something you think you should have. Unfortunately, since we can’t control what we go through all the time, we must learn to deal with it in a way where we don’t lose sight of enjoying the life we were given.

Word of wisdom from my favorite author:

Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you would never have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper. -Og Mandino

When you do great things don't boast, help others along the way when you can, and be grateful for what you have despite your circumstances. 

Our circumstances have the ability to hinder us, make us bitter or prosper us. Raising an almost teenage son, I love the words to this song. Life happens, it will not always be roses and rainbows, and remember that a rose has thorns and rainbows only come after the rain. Often we must deal with what we consider bad in order to enjoy the good. You will always have mountains to climb and obstacles to overcome or find alternative routes to get through.  Don't expect things to happen to you or just fall in your lap, go out and get what you want, work hard, share your talents, be proud of your accomplishments but not at the expense of anyone else by boasting.  Be confident but always stay humble and kind. 

Humble and Kind -Tim McGraw

Don't forget the keys under the mat
When childhood stars shine
Always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be wasted time
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door, say please, say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but

Always stay humble and kind

Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flyin'
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleepin' with someone
And sleepin' with someone you love
"I love you" ain't no pickup line, so
Always stay humble and kind


Hold the door, say please, say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind (Yeah)

[Outro]
When it's hot, eat a root beer popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're goin', don't forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind