Life is like the weather- Just go with it.

 

Think of your favorite roller coaster? Do you even like roller coasters? I love roller coasters, they are thrilling, scary, invigorating, and delightful all in one. They give me that adrenaline rush that seems to not only give you butterflies in your stomach, but takes your breath away, just for a short moment and the high can be satisfying to some degree, but temporary and you are able to get off and get back to solid ground where you feel safe and stable. I loved going to Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL as a kid they have a ride called American Eagle. Wooden and made from Douglas Fir trees it was painted by hand and took 9,000 gallons of paint and 1.3+ million board feet of lumber. You are lifted 127 feet in the air and the first drop is 147 feet with the ride diving 20 feet below ground level. It was the world’s tallest and fasted wooden coaster and might still be. This was my favorite ride, especially at certain times of the year when they ran one of the two simultaneous tracks backwards. And no matter how many times I have ridden that ride in my lifetime so far, it has never been predictable, and still gives me that rush. 

Now picture yourself stuck on that ride for the next two weeks, the adrenaline is pumping but no safe ground or stability within your reach and no clue when it would stop or you could get off. Roller coasters are fun but should be short lived.

August 20^th, 2021 was that last time I heard my husband speak to me. He called struggling, not only was he short of breath, hard to understand from the machines he was on, but I could tell he had been crying. The doctor had come in and wanted to strongly suggest putting him on a ventilator as a precaution for getting any worse. He didn’t know what to do, I could hear the fear in his voice as he asked me what to do. I was home by myself Paxton was at school, and I just remember crashing down on my bed trying to discuss the most difficult decision I think we have ever made as a couple. I remember asking the doctor if we could make a few calls to family members, he mentioned not having time to think about it, if he waited too long it would be done as an emergency and he hasn’t put any patients on the ventilator as an emergency measure who had survived. That was not promising at all.  I didn’t want to be the decision maker, so I prayed with Steve and asked him what he wanted to do. He said I want the best chance to survive and come home to you and Paxton. I want to be the best father and husband I can. As tears welled up in my eyes and he made the decision right then. Our last words were, I love you, and to this day I am forever grateful for that. As the next day his first lung collapsed, his kidneys failed, and we would never recover from that.

This past weekend we were supposed to have gone to the cabin, Paxton and I and the dogs just to go get away, be one with nature and relax no agenda, no guests. Sickness was running through his school, and he missed a couple days and decided to just stay home. Saturday morning it rained sideways while sunny and the sky got dark dumping so much rain quickly which enthralled me enough to sit out in Steve’s patio chair and watch and listen to the rain, it seemed soothing at first, until my mind pictured him sitting there as he always loved to sit on our back patio and watch it rain, even when the storms were nasty and Paxton begged him to come inside so something didn’t happen to him. He was a man intrigued sometimes mostly obsessed with the weather conditions and reports. (Heck we have a TV in our bathroom so he could watch the weather every morning while he got ready).  I attribute that to his years of fishing and his outdoor activities and needing to be prepared. The tears just started falling down my face and I just couldn’t stop, pouring at the same rate as the rain dumped through the holes in the floor of Heaven- which is exactly what I said when I sent my friend a video of the rain.  

With some convincing, I ended up going on an overnight trip with a good friend to the Payson Rodeo and stayed with my bestie who lives up there. The distraction was needed and I am glad that I went. It was a short trip and we brought home another puppy. This one was months in the making as Paxton asked for one when my bestie told us that her lab was having puppies. He loves projects, just like his dad, and read that labs are great duck hunting dogs and he wants the challenge of training her. This was a dream, before Piper went missing and before Harper came along, so I knew that I was probably not going to get out of having two puppies at once and yes of course the minute I saw River I was in love.

Sunday didn’t prove to be any better for my mood or my demeanor. We got home and I started to go through the closet in the spare bedroom to accommodate my bestie’s daughter who is going to be living with us for a while, while she goes to college.  I honestly cannot believe the amount of stuff I was able to store in that closet, as I pulled it all out. Boxes and boxes of baseball cards, random project parts that never got finished, hunting stuff, the sound bar for my orchard that never got hung up, a box of his graduation stuff era 1994, school photos, a spelling test, a broken metal detector, baseball BBQ tongs(still in the original box),  a Valentine’s certificate from the girl he dated in high school that introduced us, I took a photo and sent her, she couldn’t even remember giving it to him. Funny the things our memories store and those that we just can’t.  Picking up a post card complete with 3 hot girls in bikinis on the front and flipping it over recognizing his best friends handwriting. A card he sent from a school he attended after boot camp marked June 24^th 1995. Of course I read the message and the part as I read that stood out the most was when he said Oh well, life sucks sometimes. Yes, yes it does. As I cried my way throughout the day my go to rescue person who I know I can call at the drop of a hat as he went through this grief almost 8 years prior to me as well as one of my BFF’s who came and sat with me for hours in the orchard watching the lightening that night, they didn’t necessarily have all the answers or were able to resolve the way I was feeling, I wasn't asking them to, but they were just there for me as the emotions came crashing down.

I realize daily how grateful I am for all the people in my life who are helping me move forward, even when I take a few steps back. I am happy and grateful for my life most of the time, despite my circumstances and sometimes it really is okay, not to be okay. This is really teaching me that even though I like to plan things and would love to know what happens next in my life, a lot of it is out of my control and I just need to trust the experiences and the timing. I do like some spontaneity so I will try to focus on loving more of that and letting things happen. We can throw a tantrum or we can just go with it. Sometimes we do both and that is ok. 

Starting off Monday morning with my sister-in-law, centering myself, enjoying some nature, the lake, and a paddleboard, listening to the sounds, feeling the gentle breeze, and watching the ducks, cranes, and vultures do their thing was just the motivation I needed to get through this week. Taking care of my son, my house, my animals, my business, and my clients requires that self-care step ahead of time to allow the peace in for everything else to fall into place with less stress, chaos and mistakes. If I am not taking care of myself I can get distracted while taking care of others and the end result is probably not the best it could be. 

As Steve’s bestie’s post card said life sucks sometimes, it is also hard sometimes, it can be unpredictable but it can also be beautiful and wonderful and right. I can do hard as long as I have hope that it isn’t always hard and it doesn’t always suck and I focus on the good and what I am grateful for. There are moments that we will always remember like picturing Steve sitting on our patio watching the rain and one’s like the Valentine’s certificate that we can easily forget as the years go by, but good or bad our experiences and memories contribute to our journey, help write our stories, and make us who we are. Hopefully that is a more prepared, more knowledgeable, more kind, and more loved individual whose purpose is defined by those experiences and carried out to the fullest.

Although this year’s roller coaster as I approach the one year anniversary of Steve’s death and 29 years since my own father died it doesn’t seem as scary or loud it might still be unpredictable and I am prepared to take the ride, whatever turns might come my way. We have been handed lots of suggestions as to what to do to commemorate or celebrate his life on this upcoming anniversary and for that I am grateful. We have no specific plans for the day per Paxton’s request. He just wants to go with it and see what it brings. I think I am on board with that as this must be about us, and our unique grieving experience for our situation. So if you see me out and about over the next few weeks, or you are talking to me on the phone, and I seem off, just know I am going to try to be as normal as I can and as real as I always am with you, but I am allowing both of us the grace to just be and let the natural flow of how our feelings and emotions need to play out catapulting us into the next chapter moving forward . There is no need to make it weird, treat us like you normally would because we thank you for your love, grace, understanding and support.

“Life is no different than the weather. Not only is it unpredictable, but it shows us a new perspective of the world every day.”
― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem