Is honesty always the best policy?

 

Paxton: with curiosity “Mom did you get your hair cut?” Me: “I got it trimmed a little when I had it done today why?” Paxton: with wrinkled up face emphasis on the word that- “Why does it look like that?” It was straight and wispy. Me: “Like what? Like straight? short? It really isn’t shorter, maybe it is just the way she styled it.” Paxton: “Well, it looks really stupid.“

To be honest at that point do you laugh or cry? (oh my eyes felt a little wet, but my heart chuckled) I am not sure if his bluntness is refreshing, in the way that he isn’t afraid to say what he feels, I mean don’t we stress as parents to our children to be honest?   I am supposed to be agitated that he couldn’t say something nice or keep his opinion to himself if it wasn’t solicited as to not hurt my feelings. Girlfriends and hopefully a wife are in his future and not every one of them will welcome that honesty no matter how much as women we say we want it. We are sensitive beings, and no one wants to feel unpretty, unwelcomed, or undesirable and definitely not that we made the wrong choice if it is something we like. We want to look good and especially be attractive to our family and significant other. When I got my hair done yesterday, I had her weave some chocolate brown into it, I love chocolate brown. When Steve was alive, I only did that one or two times. Just as he wasn’t a huge fan of green so I didn’t wear very it often, He didn’t like red in hair, so I didn’t sport that look, as chocolate brown has a red undertone, and often fades to that liking and he told me such.

Now some of you may be jumping to conclusions thinking I let Steve dictate what I did and the choices I made. You may be the first to say who cares what he thinks and do what makes me happy, but I guarantee there are ways that your significant other or child for that matter has styled their hair, groomed or didn’t groom their facial hair or wore an outfit that just made you go hmmm… I hope I don’t have to be seen with them in public, so you coax them to wear something that suits them just a tad better. It isn’t any different, we want to be wanted, and for them to find us attractive, so why wouldn’t we do what attracts them?

We all have our own unique styles, tastes, and things we find attractive or not. Wanting him to be attracted to me made me happy. I mean he very rarely had facial hair in our 23-year relationship. And guess what that was my preference. He had amazing dimples and I liked to see them. I have never been a huge fan of facial hair on guys. I don’t mind a little scruff now and then or the 5:00 shadow.  Don’t get me wrong there are guys out there that wear it well, but it doesn’t make everyone who has it appealing. Plus, it is scratchy. LOL. I take the time to shave my legs everyday because who wants to accidentally rub up against that prickliness, just saying. There is something appealing about a clean-shaven man to me.

Now back to whether I teach my child to be honest or use this as a learning lesson to teach his thoughts to stay inside his head unless they are solicited and demonstrate to him how to be kind in what he shares. Don’t get me wrong, my kid is very kind, I hear it often from other people, but he is also matter of fact and he has a lot to learn about the appropriate times and things to say to not hurt other’s feelings in the process. I mean it is bound to happen, sometimes no matter what you say, someone will have a negative reaction to it. But that is where we need to also get better at our reactions to others. We cannot control anyone else but ourselves. I can’t stress that enough.

Right now, I am helping a couple friends through some tough times in their life and listening to their experiences, their circumstances, feelings and the reactions of others and themselves, it is disheartening how often people can be cruel, thoughtless, and selfish, the lack of sensitivity in others and sometimes sure hatred coming from a place of unknown to the person it is being directed to. We are never a fly on the wall of someone else’s situation, so we will never know the full story, but the way other’s go about handling a certain situation is when we need to be more concerned with how we react to them, we cannot change them, their thoughts or their behaviors, but we can control how we let what they are doing get to us, beat us down, or change who we are. We are in control of ourselves, and we alone can choose to let it get us down, depressed, sad and bitter, or we can choose to rise above the situation and be better, stronger, and nicer because of it. Is the latter sometimes the more difficult choice, yes, it is, it takes more work, but I am convinced they both absorb the same amount of energy, so why not choose the one with the most positive attitude and happier outcome, I stress that this one is way more beneficial to your self-care. And by being honest with yourself and your situation you are also being a good example to those around you. So here we go again with the honesty. Is it worth the consequences or are we sometimes better off just not knowing? Life is funny like this. No instruction manuals.

We all have a choice. We can choose kindness, love, happiness, and joy just as freely as we can choose to be mean, hateful, resentful, or rude. Sometimes our choices are based off circumstances, prior experiences, and sometimes our feelings or a combination of it all. We teach and learn through feelings, energy, and example more than words. There have been a lot of instances over the past few months where even though the kid’s face could be mine as a boy to a T… Paxton inherited or mimics a lot of his dad’s personality, mannerisms and not only the things he says but the way he presents his thoughts. And although he does mirror some of the good qualities from both of us some of his not so desirable traits, I am hoping that I have the time to help him relearn or readjust to his future benefit. We are all a work in progress, learning never stops and we can always be open to change.  I want him to be a strong negotiator but not to let not getting his way affect him negatively or turn him into a resentful or harsh person. And I am definitely over catering to his attitude or making up for his loss by giving into him on all occasions. No matter how hard it might seem he will respect me for it later.

Although I felt extremely guilty when his dad died and therefore allowed him to do things, have things and get away with things his dad never would have, I have taken the last few months to alter my mindset to realize that it wasn’t my fault his dad died and to continue our relationship without that guilt moving forward, is not going to make him into the adult he needs to be in order to fulfill his purpose and destiny if I do. Guess what to my surprise it isn’t as hard as I thought it would be and it seems to be working, and it feels right. So, keep praying for me to be the best mom for Paxton that I can, while keeping myself happy and sane. And although he is not just a moody teenager, he also lost his dad and must completely alter his life as he knew it, he was robbed of what it could have been, and yes that sucks, but it is reality.  It is time to move forward whether he has that added reality or not. We were dealt a bad hand, we didn’t ask for this “new” life, but we must continue to progress.

My main goal is to show him how to be an effective, respectful, responsible, and kind adult who contributes to society with the talents and purpose God gave him, whatever he discovers that may be. As I work on myself to set the best possible example, to judge less, be grateful more, find the silver-lining or learning lesson in all situations, be patient with him and myself, to laugh, love and cherish our relationship at the same time be the best mom I can for him while teaching him respect, discipline, work ethic, empathy and understanding for others. Most importantly trying to balance honesty and politeness by avoiding raising a child who is cruel, selfish, rude, or vengeful. We are all only human and need as much grace and mercy as one can muster. This starts at home.