I woke up this morning with the ICK feeling I get now and then.
There are a few times a year that my depression just comes in waves. No matter
how hard I try to be positive to reflect on the good times, or to find things
to occupy my mind it just sits with me. I can't predict the when, or moments
that the emotions will build or the tears
will well up in my eyes without notice. This to me is a sign of love that is not
getting to the person that you love, because they are no longer here. How
does the saying go, time heals all wounds? I am not
sure that I agree with that at all! I don't know if we EVER necessarily heal.
It just gets easier to bear but is never forgotten nor do I believe it should
be, it is part of our journey and our story. Everything that happens to us
contributes to who we are not only for what it is, but how we respond to it. When
I get all caught up in my emotions and feels I know also know that I will not
allow myself to stay there. Since it is temporary, I am confident that it is
also ok to feel this way as long as we don’t get stuck there.
These days we hear a lot about influencers, especially
through social media. I am sure you could name one if prompted to.
The definition of influencer these days is as
follows… individuals with a large or highly engaged social media following
who hold considerable sway in specific industries such as beauty, fashion,
fitness, travel and food. Known for their authenticity and innovative
approaches, they use their specialized knowledge and authority to influence
target audiences. (https://sproutsocial.com)
An influencer can be referred to as a leader, motivator,
inspirer or trendsetter.
When I think of the word influencer as someone who
motivates or inspires two people come to mind automatically.
34 years ago, tomorrow, on January 8th, 1991, I
walked into my house after school to both of my parents who weren't usually
home together at that time because of their work schedule. On that particular
day, my mom gave me her best loving mom look and said we have something to
share with you. I remember looking at her and then to my dad and I said
"she died, didn't she? " I had an eerie feeling the whole day that
this was the case. The best friend that I had known in my short 11 years of
life that I spent practically every day running back and forth across the
street with, lost her three-year battle with brain cancer at such a young age.
I will tell you that of all the influential people in my life who have gotten
me to where I am today, she was probably one of the most profound of
them. For someone who was in so much pain, experiencing so much turmoil
and what I would consider fear of the unknown, she was the most positive,
happy, smiling person I have ever been so privileged to know. A light to anyone’s
darkness.
Fast forward to ten years ago January 8th, 2015,
I woke up with the same feeling and knew that only six months into her diagnosis
and cancer battle that I had to say goodbye to my mom yet another extremely
influential person in my life and also my absolute best friend. Fitting that
they share the same Heaven Gotcha Day! Both in their own ways taught me to be
as full of life, grateful, and as positive as I could be no matter what
obstacle or situation that life throws my way just from their example. I
couldn't have asked for more kind, caring, and loving influencers. Each
of them had their own unique ways of lighting up a room and just making things
better for me and others around them.
At 45 years old I have been through my share of ups and
downs in life. Failures, setbacks, trials, heartbreaks, and tragedies are
guaranteed to come into this life but once we can grasp onto the key of living
life to the fullest despite them we start focusing on our successes, triumphs,
celebrations, tranquility, and happiness then we are winning.
Today I wore my, But Did You Die? sweatshirt. The
clerk at HomeGoods asked me what the meaning of my hoodie meant. So, I
proceeded to tell her the story about how my husband died three and a half
years ago and my group of girlfriends who ultimately think I'm a bad driver (I am not denying this- But did you die? Don’t worry they are all still here)
but love me anyway, and how we added the phrase to our memorable and
influential life quotes (we
have built a list) to live by and then was able to find it on
matching hoodies that we each now have. I told the cashier we all have an
expiration date, and we don't know when that is so we need to live life to the
fullest every day that we can. With a warm smile on her face, she just said
“thank you for sharing that I hope that you have a blessed day.” I told her to
enjoy her day and walked away with a warm feeling in my heart. If I can share
even an ounce of spirited sunshine that I learned from Tana and my mom on a
daily basis, I'm fulfilling part of the purpose that God has given me.
I can walk through life, sad, depressed, deprived, and
grumpy from every negative encounter that has built up over the years or I can
choose to shine a light from a place of compassion, love and positivity
enjoying every moment I have left sharing a glimpse of these two ladies’ big
hearts along the way.
Be the
things you like the most about the people who are gone.
A Facebook friend of mine who also lost her husband, shared
this passage this morning.
On Those Days
On those days
when you miss someone the most
As though your memories
are sharp enough
to slice through skin and bone
and do that
for yourself.
in their honor
love yourself
as they loved you.
when you miss someone the most
love yourself harder.
With Christmas just behind us I am sure with all the
packages, decorations, and bows you encountered that at least some spectacle of
glitter touched your skin or clothing.
If there's anything that you take away from this blog, I
hope it is that you will place more emphasis on dwelling in the shiny glitter
that life has to offer and start spreading that stuff everywhere. Life has
taught me that there's plenty of it to go around and once you get it, it is
hard to come off no matter how hard you try. Share some with others and
wear yours with pride.
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