I can't even begin where to start, the last 2 weeks have been emotional for me in a way that everything seems to be heightened when I experience it which has also given me so many blog ideas that I wished I could combine them all together, but after much consideration of what that would look like (for those of you who are not ADHD I am saving you from tangled spaghetti (IYKYK)), you will just have to wait and read them separately so that I can give full attention to each topic that it deserves. So be ready for a few reads this week!
Last week I wasn't feeling really great, and had a horrible ear ache. I tried some home remedies for a couple days before going to urgent care. Mark and I don't get a lot of time together each week so the majority of our relationship if we are not together or on a trip is made up of talking on the phone. Our communication is unlike any I have ever experienced with a person before which makes it easier for us to resolve any conflict or differences we experience. Also I want to say that he is kind, thoughtful, and very attentive on a regular basis before I begin this story.
2 Sundays ago I went to bed not feeling good and I am normally good at pushing through it. I try to just get things done but on this particular night I was exhausted and had nothing else to give. As I lay in bed talking to Mark he knew that I wasn't feeling well. We talked about me going to urgent care the next day to see if I could get some relief for my ear. I went to bed early and actually slept through the night, which in my perimenopausal state and having dogs doesn't happen very often! I woke up in the morning with a lot to do and appointments that had to be kept. I checked with 3 local Urgent cares, no one had call ahead appointments left and all had 2.5-3 hour waits, which I just couldn't fit in or want to sit in a waiting room with a bunch of sick people for that long, so I decided to do some natural remedies to give me some relief.
No matter how many books I have read on the differences between men and women... my favorite being Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti(as per my reference above)- by Bill & Pam Farrell, I highly recommend the read if you haven't. In most cases men compartmentalize things into individual boxes like a waffle and women tend to intertwine things, everything touches like spaghetti on a plate and they can jump easily from topic to topic causing men to get lost in our conversations sometimes trying to keep it straight. How your recent trip to Alaska has anything to do with your friend Kevin's cousin Sue's horse or your electric bill being so high this month is beyond their comprehension. hahaha!
As the day progressed and I not only felt horrible, I was pushing through all the tasks, phone calls and appointments with a painful ear, crabby attitude, and a stewing irritation that I wasn't checked on the frustration and emotions escalated. I saw this reel the other day of a sick women making the bed, doing laundry and cooking dinner meanwhile the man was laid up in bed with a cold compress on his head and a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. It made me chuckle... just a little. At almost 1 pm I got a text that simply said " Did you go to urgent care?" I mean I would have checked on him at least 3 times by then! Which I could probably say that most women would be on my side and this middle of the day text didn't quite sit right with me. Not a hi, how are you feeling babe? which would have totally made up for not being checked on for 6 hours since I woke up, just simply "did you go to urgent care?" After careful consideration I just responded no.
Now all of you who know me well, I am not lacking in the word department you know that sometimes my text can be paragraphs long, you may need to pour a drink or pop some popcorn to read them, so when I strategically responded no, I figured that would come back with some sort of response. Or so I was hoping. But no, nothing. When 2:00 came around and I had to go pick up Paxton from school my frustration got strong enough that I had to call a girlfriend on my way just to vent a little. Like why are men so clueless that they don't get we need to be checked on. This one little step could have saved a lot of grief. Now I don't get angry easily and I forgive quickly but I do get disappointed and frustrated.
After picking up Paxton from school and heading to get his haircut, I decided instead of being upset anymore I was going to turn this into a life lesson for my son! The boy had no idea what he was in for. I decided to make this a teaching moment that will hopefully be remembered down the road. I mean, he will have a girlfriend and probably a wife someday and what kind of mom would I be if I didn't take a moment to just put a little bug in his ear about what a girl wants! Right?! As the boy he is he will tell me his mind without hesitation. He was quick to defend Mark by saying, MOM, guys don't think like that! You were sick last night, you probably still don't feel good. Why would we ask that? Which after much stewing all day about poor me not being checked on, a light bulb went on in my head and immediately took me to all the books I have read about such a thing! I responded that I was just trying to give him a tip to help his future relationships flourish by cluing into what a girl wants and catering to their needs a little, just as a woman I try to focus on how a guy wants to be treated and act accordingly.
After waiting until well after 5:00 for a response to my response and calming myself down from my annoyance with his lack of what was my expectation of how the day should have gone, what he should have said, how he should have responded in my head, which can be really exhausting and in my opinion could have been avoided! Once we did talk, I was able to turn it into a joke that I was grateful that his lack of concern for how I was feeling was a good lesson on how Paxton could be a better partner to someone someday with just a few words. "how are you feeling today?" which goes a long way in my book, and probably that of many women. I turned it into something we could laugh about for days and years to come.
To Paxton's earlier comment about knowing that I probably still didn't feel good and why would he ask something he already knew the answer to made me laugh. Yes, that is exactly why men and women are so different, think different, and act different causing miscommunication and unfulfilled expectations in relationships. We don't talk about it enough, we just expect our partner to think like we do and then get upset at them for not. But we don't think alike so naturally we don't act or respond alike! If we did life would probably be a little boring. If we would all just communicate with one another in a light and positive way what our needs, desires, and wants are we wouldn't get so disappointed when they think the way they do and are unable to fulfill our expectations.
I don't think any of what was going on in my mind about his lack of reaching out even ever crossed his mind as ill intended. That is where simple communication regarding how you want/need to be treated or engaged with, could save a lot of stress, anxiety or frustration that was really unnecessarily formed in the first place. It has been about a week and a half later and I will say it may be a little sarcastic and a lot playful, but I think he has asked me how I am feeling almost every day since then. We laugh and move forward. If you are constantly trying to improve your relationship, and you are waking up every day and choosing that person, I highly suggest being able to communicate with the goal to understand the other person instead of trying to change them. Naturally you should both change a little as you notice the positive response you get from even some of the smallest things you can say or do that can really make a huge difference!
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