Coffee, Counseling, and Confidence

Mama tried… I feel like that is something that moms who are nurturers always tend to say to ourselves. Granted no matter what we do we don’t always get it right. But then again what is right? No rule books were given out at the hospital when I became a mom, at least as far as I know unless they skipped me! We are just out here trying as we go, hoping not to fuck it up and make sure we try our best to get our kids to turn out to be decent human beings as adults. I’ll keep you posted, but in the words of my counselor today… I am doing an amazing job and I am an amazing mom. I may need to repeat that often!

I haven’t seen my counselor in a while. Why? Because I am Dani, and I should be able to “fix” myself. I am happy, my life is good, my relationship is good, ( I am pretty certain some people don’t find love in their life once, so having the opportunity to love twice is a blessing that contributes to my joy that I cannot discount) business is good, my health is mostly good minus the weight creeping back up a bit, but we all go through seasons and if we had all our shit together at the same time life might be a little boring. So why go to therapy now, I am happy right?

 Well this morning I woke up feeling very off my high on life and just needed to talk to a neutral sounding board, someone who isn’t judging me, biased because we are friends, or thinking that I am crazy for feeling happy and not so happy with my life all at the same time. What the hell is wrong with me I thought! Awe yes, that little bugger.. .grief it is very sneaky! A sound, scent, song, smile becomes tears in a matter of seconds without my control sometimes. But I remembered, that I am not the same person I was 3+ years ago, If I went back there, no matter how much I have wished to return to the comfort of it, I wouldn’t fit in anymore. That is healing while moving forward at it’s finest!

I was early, so I got us both coffee, took a deep breath and unleashed 3 months of life! I don’t know if I go there to necessarily get advice, exercises he assigns to follow to help me cope, or validation, honestly probably none of that. I go to talk myself through what I am harboring in my head that just needs to get out so I can make sense of it all! I am historically a people pleaser, but that sometimes comes with a price, my inner peace. Placing the stress, anxiety and sadness of others on my plate.  I know what trauma and pain is like, ever since I was a little girl and  throughout various stages of my life, I just want to take it away for everyone else, like somehow fixing them will fix me, or at least make me feel like I have a purpose in this anything but perfect world we are all navigating in different directions at different paces.

Today my counselor asked me what I could do to take care of myself. I replied give myself more grace, don’t blame myself for how other people are dealing with their own issues or how they respond to me, own my issues, and write again. He asked if writing was my therapy, why have I tossed it aside. Out loud I admitted that somehow, I went from writing for myself and sharing it with others to writing for an audience that I now thought I had. Inside I felt that no matter what I thought about writing or stuff I have written recently wasn’t worth sharing. I realized that my audience changed from my original intention of ME, and my limiting beliefs somehow took over that none of it was good enough. I left that office determined that I would go home and write for me again, then share. People can take what I write at any face value. IF they are helped, inspired, or feel less alone in their daily dealings, then it is a bonus, not a goal. If I couldn’t be true to myself and why I write in the first place, how can I possibly make an impact on anyone else? I write first and foremost for my mental health. Bingo!

So here it is! 2 months is a long time to be silent. 

Again, Mama tried. Paxton is getting our yard ready for his dream of starting his own cattle/calf operation someday. He is a farm kid at heart and why not pursue your passion. I have been trying to help him with all the random things we have accumulated, I decided some of it was worth hiring out to just haul away ( a guy came this morning), some things need to be kept and some things just need to be redistributed in our yard. I am going to do my best to help but I am also tired, worn out,  not in amazing shape, 45 year old up against a strong, healthy 15 year old. Not a good match. In the middle of rolling up the longest piece of turf ever, that led up to his baseball backstop Steve welded years ago, and was in place so long ago that the ground underneath was compacted. I felt like I was trying to roll up a very heavy extra large paddleboard or 10 that just wouldn’t budge. He did most of the work! A third of the way through, I said call a friend, I will pay them $20 to come help you, this is ridiculous!

I am currently reading a book called, Everything is Figureoutable by Marie Forleo! Yes, well in my opinion, I could probably figure it out and push through but if it isn’t my forte and I can hire it out or delegate it to someone else… Sign me up! I am not that proud; I am all about working smarter not harder! Besides, I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and get out of bed, not be so sore I couldn’t move! HAHA!  Save my skills, energy and time for the things I excel at or can make more money than I am giving out! That is my definition of winning.

Let’s wrap it up with confidence. I got home from counseling, making one stop on my way… at the new neighbors, to confront the rudeness Paxton and I experienced last night from them. I am a likeable, caring, kind and generous person and deserve an explanation before an attack. I marched up to their door, shaking just a little, knocked on the door, took a deep breath, shook his hand and introduced myself. We talked it out and I walked away feeling pretty proud of myself for the confrontation to not allow fear to rule my life with any animosity going forward. Ya, confidence isn't bad at all, if you think you are a badass babe, OWN it!

So, this is where I am going to stop for today! Why? Because I have so much to say that I haven’t been able to, I may as well break it up into a few viable blogs. My lesson, don’t hold back, be aware of your limiting beliefs or self-talk and stop letting other people get into your head. Don’t let others live rent free in your head, charge for that space or let it go. It is not worth your time or energy to maul over other people's mistakes, attitudes or anything beyond your control. Be self-aware, set boundaries, practice mental strategies, and stay away from blaming yourself for others’ behaviors.

 

Sometimes it is not "THE DAY"

 

July 27 the day he got sick - September 11 when his friends and family gathered to celebrate his 45 years here on Earth has been one of the most roller coaster rides at that time and a huge reminder of what we experienced for the last 3 years since Steve passed. Whirlwind doesn’t begin to explain it. From 2021 when we were actively going through it, to all the memories, firsts, lasts and things that resurface the last 3 years since. It is not uncommon to still cry when things trigger me sometimes it comes when I least expect it sometimes at night, I still cry myself to sleep, it is less frequent, but still a possibility nonetheless. If you’ve been following me this whole time, thank you! Some of you will remember the time that I sat in the Tractor Supply parking lot and broke down while attempting to buy cat litter that I was out of. I sent in Paxton and Aidan, and lost my composure in the parking lot, tears streaming down my face, why? Just happened. I should go back and read that blog, not sure I even remember what triggered it.

A friend of mine said to me a few weeks ago when I told her I was struggling, “I love you, lean into that grief. Sometimes it is not “THE DAY” that brings you sad memories…. Sometimes it’s the days leading up to it. Our brains do weird stuff when processing grief. It chooses emotion attached to different day or things.” This is SOOOO true! I remember August 7^th 2021 vividly. After 3 ER visits they finally admitted him to the hospital and that was the last time that I saw him alive and communicative in person. I remember kissing his forehead in that hospital room, being told by the staff, I could stay as long as I wanted but once I left, I couldn’t come back. This year on August 7^th, I was in a good mood, I had a great day, there was a sense of peace and less of sadness! But a few days leading up to that day I could feel a tension and moodiness about me, like everything agitated me.

It is the little things that can trigger these episodes or the last memories you had on days you least expect it that can wear on your mind and body. Questions swirling around in my brain can spike emotions that I don’t necessarily want to encounter at a given moment but am then forced to deal with or work through. When was the last time we went to a movie? Talked about our future? Went to the cabin for the weekend? Went to dinner? What restaurant was it?  Had a date night? Relaxed in the pool? When was the last baseball game he saw his son play in person not on facetime against a fence with my phone? What was our last conversation that didn’t have to do with his illness? What is the last meal we had together? When was the last time we had sex? And no matter how hard it is to think about all of these things they are valid thoughts, and in all honesty some of them I can’t remember the when or where! That is not to say they weren’t important or didn’t have meaning, I just wasn’t planning on marking them as lasts so why keep track!?

As humans we tend to go about our lives enjoying and living in the moment even though a lot of us dwell in the past or worry about the future never certain of when the end will come and not jotting down those memories etching them in our memory because we had no idea that it would be our “last”, until it becomes the last and we want to grasp at that memory in time.

Paxton has been struggling the last few weeks and it breaks my Mama heart that I cannot take away his pain, confusion, and sadness. He had some stomach issues we had to work through, missed some school, went to the Dr and the ER, tension built between us, moodiness, lack of motivation, distant and sometimes a little on the mean side. A little jealous of where my time goes, but at the same time not necessarily wanting to spend his time with me but wanting me to be available, if that makes sense.  I know that it is something that only he alone can experience and process, I have my own issues, but damned if I don’t try to understand his point of view or get inside his head, because God knows I want to fix it! And his ability to communicate his actual thoughts and struggles at his age I think is not fully developed.  I however have to stand back, be supportive, be aware of his feelings, give him his moments while also balancing being his mom, keeping him respectful and showing him that our reactions speak louder than our circumstances and while we can give ourselves and each other some GRACE, the world and our responsibilities do not stop while we go through our emotions. We were able to share some memories together, spend some quality time, just the two of us, having fun and being silly and I know that no matter where we are at in life, we can count on each other. He may be a bratty almost 15 year old teenager some of the time, going through his own set of struggles outside his grief, but I am really proud of the boy that he is now despite anything he has been through and I know that I can look forward to the man that he will become.

I may not have all the right answers, I may not make the same decisions that we would have if Steve was still here, I may not always stay calm and collected, but I will always have his best interest in mind. Steve and I were his parents at the time he needed us from birth to age 11+, the people in our lives then helped shape him to that age. After Steve died, I became someone new, someone who had to learn to be me without him. I will never be that person I was again because he is no longer here and that is okay, I believe I am supposed to be right here where I am today. In a way it is sad, but in a way so invigorating that I am able to be the right person now along with all those people that come into our life going forward that will help contribute to the man Paxton becomes, and this I trust is part of God’s divine timing. You can tap into God’s divine timing for you. Pay attention to what opportunities come your way and take advantage of the things that will push you forward to be the best version of you that you can be at the moment. Don’t overthink it, feel it. Nothing in life is random, it all works together for you if you acknowledge it and accept it. Sometimes you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you are responding to what's happening. That's where the power is. 

I Am Moving Forever Forward

 

If you ever wonder or second guess being in love with your life and if it is okay, the answer is YES! 100% Yes! That doesn’t mean that you haven’t had bad things happen, it doesn’t mean you forget your past, it doesn’t mean you still can’t have anxieties about the future, and it doesn’t mean you are not currently experiencing struggles. You can be going through some tough things, but you can still be happy. It just means you are living your life in the moment and enjoying it! You should you deserve it. Tell yourself you do, feel it!  People around you may be experiencing crappy things, awful situations, struggling, being negative. You may feel bad for someone else who is having a hard time or struggling with something in their life, and not wanting to express your happiness! STOP!  You don’t have to hide your happiness to match their situation, you don’t have to flaunt it, but you shouldn’t avoid sharing it or spreading your positivity! It is contagious you know!

A colleague of mine said that every condition or situation has a physical, mental and emotional cause. To ignore any of these is a recipe for staying stuck at your current level of well-being and impact. I am not sure that I am prepared to do that, nor have I ever been. It is perfectly okay to get knocked down, just don’t stay there.  If it isn’t working do something else, if you are currently in a situation that brings you down, focus your energy on something else, put away your fears, expectations and over-thinking when they are not improving your situation. Try to concentrate on having fun with your life.

Start small. Keep a journal. It doesn't have to be fancy, a notebook will do. But there is something pretty and satisfying to me when I buy a brand new pretty one! LOL. I keep track of only the things I am grateful for in it. I write prayers from a future place of gratitude. I remember when Paxton was younger, he asked me why I pray prayers for things as if they already have happened and they haven’t. First off, my Mama did and second off if you believe in manifestation at all believing that you already have it changes your mindset and thought patterns which can lead to you more likely getting whatever it is!

 Do I write about the bad, sometimes I do, but I take time out of my day to only focus on all the good going on around me. Paxton and I practice daily saying what we are grateful for. As your typical teen he sometimes says some things that make me think “with all the good in a day, that is what you are thankful for?” But I don’t judge as this is his opinion or how he feels and feelings are neither right nor wrong, they are real. And sometimes he surprises me and is thankful for things I would never have thought he would admit! Expressing gratitude allows you to be in a frame of mind that focuses on the positive energy of your day rather than elevating the negative. This can help you live life at a whole new level.

I have a deal right now that I am not making very much money on, and I learned yesterday of an issue with the property that may make this transaction a lot more work than it is worth. If I dwell on the negativity wrapped around the transaction, I lose sight of all the good.  I am grateful that I am making money from it at all, someone chose to refer it to me as they felt I was more of an expert at land sales than they were and trusted me to take care of their client. That is huge!  I also choose to look it as a learning experience where I can be challenged to find a solution for my client as well as the buyer buying the property. This gives me even further knowledge and expertise in my field and redefines my approach that may be helpful in another situation down the road. I could complain that the amount of money I am making isn’t enough for the challenge or I could redirect my energy to focus on how to fix it. It is worth it to me to choose the latter.

Stop trying to be perfect to find happiness. Be happy now, not 10 or 50lbs from now, not after the next sale, a new job or a promotion you are working toward, not after you find your right partner or you buy your dream home or car, not after all your debt is paid or you accomplish the next goal. Be happy now, celebrate then! Enjoy your journey along the way to those goals! Don't hurry! Not all goals need to be rushed. Rushing creates stress, stress creates conflict and poor decisions and sometimes sloppy work! Your experience getting there will be so much more worth the struggle if you take your time and make it count. 

Trust that God has a plan for your life, if you aren’t getting what you want His might not be the same as yours or it may just not be the right time. Maybe the struggles you face today will be worth the promises of your future and maybe your attitude and gratitude could change your perspective and change the outcome. I choose to take my chances on the maybe. I believe that nothing that happens to me is random. Focus on what could go right instead of what could go wrong.

Do your best without it being tied to your outcome, focus on what matters most. If you are not sure what that is, figure it out. Concentrate on the why, you will probably get there faster. Focusing on a goal without a purpose is like putting a hamster on a wheel and expecting it to get to the other side of the room. Maybe it isn’t the end result that you are ultimately looking for, maybe it is everything that makes up the journey getting there that is more important. Make the journey count. Happiness should not be tied to an outcome; happiness is a choice you choose despite it. Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. 

I watched a movie the other day and this song came on I had never heard before called Forever Forward by Granger Smith. It had so much truth to it for me. Look it up to hear the whole thing. 

Here is an excerpt. 

Our stories are like tattoos

Like a scar on our heart it's still a part of you

For so long I was ashamed of mine 

but I don't have to move on 

Like silver or gold heated by a fire

Yeah, I'm better with time...

Don't listen to regret

My story is not finished and I am not done yet

I gotta keep moving forever forward. 

 The journey down life's road

So many curves and swerves and broken potholds

But there is beauty in taking the long way

Yeah, I have seen it enough to say

Embrace Your Season

 

We all have seasons in our lives, for people and things. Whatever the reason they are not meant to stayforever, and that is okay. It is no indication of failure. Things are constantly changing, and we need to change with them, or change the way we look at them. And if you fail, just remember, you are one step ahead- you tried… a lot of people never even try. Sometimes change and failure can be healing as well, depending on how you view them. 

I went through a season where I desperately needed things to occupy my mind of that empty space, break-up my loneliness, and soothe my heartache. Sometimes we choose to fill those gaps with lots of different things. We are not created equal and therefore what you choose to do could be completely different from the next person.  It helps me to think less about certain things, worry less, and find some contentment in the chaos in my head by creating things to do to keep me busy. Second to my writing, staying busy is also a therapy of sorts for me.

My recent season consisted of trying to find just about anything that would mask the pain I was going through after Steve died, the reality of being a true single mom, the weight of doing life right and feeling good about my choices, and the lurking of mine and Paxton’s unknown future. So, I choose to live in the moment as often as I can, even now. None of us are promised tomorrow.  I hung out with friends, took country swing dance lessons, practiced as often as I could when I went out with friends, traveled more, bought a building to rent as a business, rode my horse as much as I could, acquired 2 puppies within a month of each other and in February 2023 I bought a mobile bar! A vintage horse trailer from a friend who was transitioning from one season to another in her life as well.  Buying an existing business, trying to take it to the next level having a website made, gorgeous brochures, marketing campaigns, featured drink videos and posts, signature drink parties and lots of events from graduation parties, small birthday parties to large weddings. Go big or go home they say, right? Lol, What a fun hobby/side job to have, until it wasn’t what I wanted/needed any longer.

It was a lot of fun while it lasted, but I am ready to sell it and let someone else enjoy the hustle and rewards.  As many of you saw last week, I bought a real estate franchise in March, got my broker’s license and opened my own company. Even after 23 years in the business this is all very new and exciting to me, a lot of work and time will be going into making it successful and something I have learned in the last few years, I cannot do everything, no matter how often I thought I could years ago. Saying no and letting go have become a lot easier for me. My sanity, happiness and health are the most important. I will never be the same person I was 3 years ago when Steve got sick, it changed our lives significantly and I am totally at peace with being who I am now.

I know sometimes the first thing a person thinks of when something doesn’t work out is that they failed at it. I am telling you that is all about perspective and that does not always equate to failure when life circumstances change, you give up something, quit or move forward. It is okay to feel the way you do, but you also must make decisions based on going forward, not what you were able to do in the past, what others expect of you, or how they will view your decisions.  Don’t even allow naysayers to occupy the space in your head, pray for them and move on.

 The last few months have been exhausting, stressful, busy but clarifying and rewarding.  I knew what I wanted, and I went after it, obstacles and all. I bought a franchise, went back to broker’s school,  as I first tried the May prior to Steve getting sick and never finished, I had to start all over, I took my school test 5 times, yes, 5 times, I am not proud of that as I have always been pretty smart and had a great memory- but in all the attempts I went from 68 on my first try to 87 on my successful attempt (75 was passing)  but I was prepared enough to take the state test only one time to get my broker’s license ( that was the only 1 that really counts). I felt like a failure but also hadn’t been in school for 23 years. Grace, I extended the grace I needed to give myself, that is why I am okay with sharing with you, my failures. We can all learn from them and be vulnerable enough to share that I have them, others want to relate and know I am human too! Life is not a piece of cake (If you know me well you know I am not a fan of cake, but you get my analogy.)   Sometimes we need to fail to recognize how badly we really want to reach our goals. A setback not a throw in the towel approach to the result I call it. I also had a surgery in the mix of the last few months that I didn’t quite recover quickly from and had some complications, but I made it past all of it! Better, stronger, more resilient and ready to reap the rewards from my hard work and dedication to getting what and where I want to be.  I am in a different place now than I was in July 2021, or February 2023 for that matter. The mobile bar service was fun, it occupied some of my time and I tried something new, it worked for the time I needed it to.  So many things have happened since then that I couldn’t begin to feel like I failed at anything. I am looking forward to going forward. The people who occupy my time have also changed and  nights and weekends will be free to fill as I wish and, on my schedule, not at the mercy of a party, event or a wedding, even though I enjoyed every event I did! So, here are to new beginnings in my career and my life.

 

Things to remember:

Don’t be afraid to try new things.

If you have a goal or a dream it will never transpire without actions.

Believe in yourself and have the faith to see it through.

Don’t mask or dilute the true you to gain approval of someone else.

 Be okay to take on something for a short while and pass it on when the timing is no longer right for you. Nothing is meant to last forever.

Whenever you fail, fail forward and let it go.

Remember at least you tried.

Not everyone's idea of success is the same, live yours not someone else's. 

The secret to having it all is believing you already do.

The best way to predict your future is to create it. (Abraham Lincoln)

Tomorrow isn’t promised, enjoy today.

It is okay to plan for tomorrow but don’t worry so much about it, you will miss the time you were given to enjoy today.  

Worrying will not add another day to your life.

 

 

Peace in letting go, November 2021 to now.

 

Last week I walked past the mini planters that Paxton had transplanted some of Steve’s grass from our front yard when we switched it out.  Thinking to myself how they stuck out like a sore thumb with dead grass and dirt inside, the drip stopped working quite a while ago and he had no desire or interest in fixing them. I guarantee it isn’t anywhere near a priority or catastrophe now as it was then.

Rewind to Nov 8, 2021 I wrote the blog when you just have to decide…no looking back. This blog talked about replacing Steve’s sacred tiff grass in my front yard with artificial turf and how hard of a decision it was, how much Paxton fought it at first but how much of a relief it would be not to have to diligently care for it as he did was my reasoning. Not only did we acquire a lot of projects that were his hobbies and not mine, as well as maintenance of such a large property with many things to take care of we became a one income household and needed to focus on our priorities, maintaining an intricate lawn was not one of them, in my opinion. Remember I said I am not a green thumb. In fact, last year I lost 5 of his peach trees no matter what I tried to do to save them. I cried a little, it was a part of him he left that died and I will never get back. Plus, I loved the peaches and making jam. Peach trees huh, that pulled my heart strings? It isn’t about the peach trees it is about the hard work, care, dedication and maintenance he put into them, that I killed.

I may have taken the inside of my house and made it my own since he passed, but every time I walk outside, he is everywhere. But just like Paxton had a hard time removing the grass, when the time comes and I move, I will better understand his reluctance to replace the tiff with turf and understand Paxton’s feelings on a much larger scale.  With this said I sadly looked at those mini planters, the ones our friend suggested to him to “save” some of his dad’s yard as I said were dry as a bone, no green in sight and had been that way for a while. Now they looked tacky to me, this is why I constantly replace dead flowers with new ones. I am not a fan of dead stuff, nor do I like the constant reminder of it. 

November 2021 it consumed Paxton's world. Top of mind, devastated, how could anything else possibly be as important and what you are going through at the time. Now he didn’t give those planters a second thought. This made me reflect on how many things change over the course of our lives. Not only what happens to us, how we handle it, but also how it changes us and our priorities change.  In that moment and in that time, it was one of the single most important factors we are facing but days/months/years down the road it no longer matters. We soften, we evolve, we prioritize differently, we grow, and we most definitely change. Some people fight change, I say embrace it. This doesn’t mean you are a failure, it doesn’t mean you couldn’t “cut it”, it doesn’t mean that you wasted time. Everything that happens in our lives adds to our story, helps us grow, teaches us a lesson or makes us change based off our experiences. This doesn’t necessarily have to have a negative connotation unless you allow it to. Choose to allow it to make you better.

We try new things, sometimes they work out for us, sometimes they don’t. And you know what that is ok!  I have recently decided to sell my mobile bar, The Tipsy Roan. I just bought it back in February 2023, which doesn’t seem all that long ago. It was right for me at the time, in the moment and what I needed as a distraction during that time period. I have since met a wonderful man with a 6-year-old and doing things as a “family” on the weekends or going on date nights in the middle of the week, taking trips and vacations seem top priority over making some extra cash, giving up my nights or weekends bartending travel events. It is time to let someone take over the reigns and carry on the business with zest!

I walked into Paxton’s room a few days ago and said, “hey bud, looking at dad’s grass in the planters out there, it hasn’t been alive for a while, I don’t think that it is going to come back, mind if I remove them from the front yard, or did you want to do something with them.” His response, “No mom, I don’t want them.” Things in our life come and go, hobbies and interests change, people stay for a lifetime, season, or reason as well. Enjoy what you have and what you do while it is there, but just like Steve’s grass, be at peace when you let it go.

Letting go is hard, but being free is beautiful. - Wilder Poetry

Rain in the Rearview

 

I posted this meme on my story yesterday and I truly believe it with my whole heart. I might add that making me laugh has its benefits too! Being at peace, feeling calm, and allowing myself to love again is very healing, rewarding and part of my story. I was with the same man for a long time, not only did we experience a lot of firsts together but also learned a lot about growing, compromising, and living life. We got used to each other.  We knew the ins and outs.  Our reactions, our triggers. Neither one of us was perfect. There's probably a lot that I put up with that I shouldn't have. And a lot about me that he accepted that other men may not. 

We made it work for 23 years, we shared a son together, experienced deaths, tragedies, financial struggles, buying properties, selling properties, losing properties, losing jobs, changing jobs, good times, struggles, etc. I think we both changed a lot, experienced a lot, and grew a lot from meeting as babies at 19 and 22 years old. Our communication wasn't always perfect, but we showed it in other ways and I felt the love he had for me. 

When God closed that chapter in my life, from that day forward, I would never be that person again. 

I remember when my dad died, and I encouraged my mom to find someone new to help fill a void that she had in her life. She had a lot of love to give, but she compared everyone to my dad. She wanted the life that they had built, she wasn't ready for it to be over yet. She longed for what she couldn't have.  She worked so hard to build a relationship with him that would last a lifetime that she wasn't able to forsee her life moving forward in a direction that deviated from that and I know if was difficult for her to move on. 

One thing I learned from her unhappiness, sadness, and pain is that I didn't want to make that a priority in my life when Steve died. I want to focus on the good, the blessings, and the possibilities- not the loss, the sadness, the emptiness that she had.

Happiness is key and we create it. No one can make us happy unless we choose to be happy. 

When one door closes another one usually finds its way open again if you are open to the possibilities. Sometimes God knows that we are not to enjoy life alone. I have too much love to give to do that.

I know that none of us know what our future holds, or how much time we have left to experience it,  but for now I'm enjoying Mark (who I firmly believe God and Steve had a hand in placing in my life) who accepts me for who I am with all my flaws, (yes, I have them, lol)  idiosyncrasies, fears, anxieties and weaknesses, but also my strengths, my huge heart, my mellow demands, my dreams, my hopes, and everything in between. He gives me the motivation to be a better person, to allow me to have peace and harmony in my life but above all accepts me for me, in my most genuine form. To be completely honest, I am not sure I have ever been my genuine form in the past.

Not everybody has a chance to experience true love more than once in a lifetime... but for those who do I will tell you, you must be open to something different, don’t compare, don’t settle, don’t just accept content, BE HAPPY!

 I am no longer who I was before Steve died, but he was a huge contributing factor in who I currently am and therefore I need someone who fits the need/desires of who I am now. But also giving Mark amazing credit for understanding that Steve will always be a part of my life and my memories and he will be honored for the rest of my life no matter how different of a person I am everything that's happened to me, every person I've encountered, every experience I've had has made me who I am today.  And for that I will always feel blessed. Steve fulfilled what I needed up until his death and I am now blessed to be with someone who checks every box of what I need going forward, with similarities and difference balancing out. I hope that everyone reading this is equally blessed whether having the opportunity to have a significant other, partner etc. for 50+ years, short term, long term, or whatever timeframe is your story. May you enjoy your journey every minute of it. The good, the bad, the growing and learning portion, the exciting times, the hard times, and all the experiences combined that make you, you, contribute to your story, and fulfill every need, desire and want that you might have.

 

From Rain in the Rearview by Anne Wilson

 

Tell me, how much hurt can a heart take?

Tell me, how much wind ‘til the walls cave?

You can just stay right there in the pain

Or listen to the voice that you hear when you pray

Tell me, how much hurt can a heart take before it breaks?

 

When the storm rolls in and the sky won’t quit crying

And you’ve lost more tears than you thought you could ever lose

Oh, I swear somewhere out there, the sun is somewhere shining

So drive, baby, drive, baby, drive ‘til it shines on you

And leave the rain in the rearview

 

I got ten and two on a two-tone, two lanes of freedom

Singing, “Jesus take the wheel”

Now I know what she was feeling

Oh, ‘cause I feel it too.

Settle the Noise before Proceeding

 

Somedays my head is crowded with noise, it is hard to focus with so many noises pulling me in different directions. Sometimes I need to clear my thoughts and get back to center, sometimes I just need to stop, take 15 minutes for myself, and flush those noises out, no matter where I am or what I am doing in order to reset and come back to the present remembering my purpose or my why. Without a reset button you get stuck. Being stuck is unproductive and allows a buildup of negative emotions spiraling forward like a catapult waiting to crash into something causing damage that I never intended. This noise and my lack of peace of mind has ultimately affected myself and my relationships and I need to correct it. NOW.  

Prayer has been the answer for me every single time. This is a little different than my normal blog but remember what I write is ultimately for me that I share with you just in case it may help someone in their world.

I wrote this almost 20 years ago and edited it to fit my life now. Sometimes things are brought into our lives to disrupt our peace. It is our responses to them that are most important and will ultimately break us down or make us thrive going forward. We may encounter a slight setback or “off” feeling, it is how we recover that is crucial to our well-being.

After quite a few days of anxiety, stress, inner turmoil, and exterior drama regarding a few different areas of my life, I am wanting to invite the peace back in extra loud and strong to bring me back to center, drown out the noise, and hone in on my true self, who I want to be, who I hope to become and how  I want others to see me and interact with and most of all be the example I want for my child. After realization comes communication with those around us and correction for our actions, responses, and lack thereof. We as humans are not perfect and are not expected to be but being better than we were the day before is always a goal that can be accomplished.

One slight change in thought in the morning can make a huge difference in our day, why not start out with a positive one. I was once told that the woman in a relationship controls the mood of a whole family and how they respond can make or break the atmosphere of your day. I am a firm believer that this is true and I want to be the woman who sets the tone at the highest level that I am capable of from a true place of love surrounding all aspects of my life.  This is my prayer and I felt compelled to share!

April 2024 pray revised from 2007

Today is going to be an amazing day!

I am an upbeat hope filled women who trusts my hopes not my fears. I trust God has a plan for my life and He will make that plan known to me for I am a child made in His image and likeness, and He is proud of the skills and strengths that He has given me to serve His people.

I am an amazing, wonderful individual who deserves honor and respect. I am willing to help those in need and make others feel good about themselves. I deserve all the wonderful things that I receive. I am truly blessed to be where I am in life despite my past circumstances, loss, trauma, or failures.

I can change no one’s attitude but my own, I can make a difference in the lives of others by my willingness to love, to live in a place with myself that doesn’t allow circumstances to control my attitude, my relationships or my inner self control and when it does, I take action to correct it.

Failure is inevitable, I am human and not perfect, I am not expected to be perfect or right all the time. Stuff happens everyday that is beyond my control, and I must trust the process and surrender the outcome.

I cannot let others control my thoughts or my ideas or discourage what I know in my heart I can do and accomplish. I do not limit myself out of fear, I face fear head on and eliminate doubts, obstacles, and exterior noise. I will not put others doubts ahead of my dreams, no one can steal my dreams or lessen them because if I set my mind to something I know that in reality I can accomplish it. God is all I need approval of.

I am grateful to live in a time and place where I can choose who I want to be, where I am, where I live, what I do, for the freedom that is given to me to make these choices. I choose to live to my life to the fullest while I am still here, I choose to love and be happy. Happiness isn’t something that comes to me, it is something that I choose by living happy and allowing others to live happy. I choose to let go of the negativity of circumstances that I often let creep into my life. I control my thoughts, actions, and responses.

Help me to choose to make the right choices, courageous choices, beneficial choices for myself and my family. Help me choose to be the best person that I can be, help guide me to serve in the way that you have intended me to serve you and your people, God. Help me to be a positive example to others while being at peace with the fact that I cannot change other’s attitudes, actions, or responses. I can only pray that my example can reflect on others to be the best version of themselves. Allow me to give myself grace for my mistakes and inadequacies when I am not on point all the time. Help me to treat myself with respect.

I refuse to allow circumstances to bring down my mood and attitude and will work toward correcting myself when they do. I will not give in to the gossip of the world and strive to always be honest, caring, kind, and helpful to others.

 Today I take control, it is my control to take. I will do with my life what God has intended for me to do and allow myself to be guided in the right direction with my skills, strengths, and abilities to serve others.

I will allow myself to let peace and happiness flow from me to others so that they feel a since of joy and well being in their lives. I want to live abundantly and share frequently.

I put you in charge of my businesses and the people that I am called upon to help. I thank you for my skills and abilities that are unique to me and give me the opportunity to live out my purpose. My mind is open to learning, growing, loving, prospering, and succeeding in my own sense of that word. Success looks different to everyone. I do not compare myself to others, I accept who I am supposed to be, what I contribute, and what makes me happy. I want to live in the moment, concentrate on being present to those around me, enjoying each moment of my life, the timing that aligns with my story, sharing my experiences with others, and sharing my energy and goodness!

Give me patience, courage, strength, and resilience. Guide me in the direction you wish me to take in my life- show me the way, help me to enjoy my journey. We all deserve happiness. Allow me to take time when needed to refresh, reset, reconstruct, and heal so I can be the best version of myself to help others.

When you start to feel yourself spiral out of control or let your surrounding circumstances control your minute/day/life. STOP. It is okay to stop and be still! The world will not stop for us, but we can take a slight break to clear the noise so we can move forward to the best of our ability with confidence that we can handle whatever is thrown at us. We all have shit happen every single day, it is how we respond that reflects who we are. Calculate your response in a way you want to be remembered for. 

Adjust Your Sails!

 

Dancing around my kitchen listening to my play list in my jammies, cooking dinner, drinking wine, and feeling at peace after a few days of being overwhelmed with life. Spare you the exact details but seemed like everything hit at once. I am here, life is good, I still have a purpose!  One thing after another hitting me like a brick (no pun intended as Paxton just ended up with a slight concussion after hitting his head unloading hay on a metal beam of our barn – he is okay, resuming baseball next Monday per doctors’ orders), some disappointing, some overwhelming, some overstimulating, and some more rewarding than others. Isn’t that life?  

To recognize that no matter what I am dealing with, whatever comes at me, or surrounds me, I love my life, I am blessed, and I enjoy it. Not only for what I have accomplished, what I have and who I share it with, but for accepting what I have been dealt and making the most of it. This is my story, as I have said many times, and I am embracing it! The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Being content and being happy are two different feelings. The things that make you content do not challenge you and often do not allow you to live up to your full potential. It is you against your potential and whether you are satisfied with that feeling and where you are at or if you are wanting, needing, or expecting more out of yourself. You are always one choice away from a totally different life, but you must be prepared for what lies ahead, sometimes it can be scary, but taking the risk can reap potential unlimited rewards!  

The last several weeks, as real estate has gotten busier, baseball has started again after a 2 year and 3-month hiatus, I am letting go of some of my past commitments, embarking on a new future, and consciously and purposefully engaging in a more present way of life. I may be experiencing a little more overwhelming moments but also some pretty fulfilling ones as well. Stay tuned, more to come in the upcoming months!

The recent additions to our lives have surely brought some of the calmest and most rewarding moments and a promising future. Don’t be afraid to pray for hard things. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and believe you deserve it. Some recent obstacles, hiccups, and trials have made for a better appreciation when they are overcome.

I recently acknowledged, though realized much earlier on that everything we experience either teaches us a lesson or makes us stronger and more capable of handling future obstacles, setbacks and or challenges. Praying for the right words to say, the right actions to take, or believing we already accomplished it is definitely in our favor. You may not get what you prayed for, but believe it is because you will gain something better, or what you are supposed to have.

I recently sold a home to clients that they were in love with, their eyes lit up as they spoke to family about the property, the inspection had them second guessing and canceling that purchase, they were disappointed in a major way, as it was their first home buying experience.  I said maybe that was what you had to have happen so that the right thing would come along but wasn’t available yet. 2 weeks later- perfect home, same price range, with a pool popped up, we negotiated the price, the terms, and the conditions and guess what it was theirs! Yes, sometimes things are worth going through a disappointment first to get what you are meant to have. Sometimes we have to surrender the outcome and trust the process.

I also was reminded recently by another friend that we cannot please everyone all of the time, we are not supposed to be someone we are not to fit in, to be liked, or to try to accommodate those around us. I gave her the advice that your people are the ones that can accept your flaws, and you can accept theirs, you laugh together, show up for one another, pray for one another, and encourages them to live their best life, to their fullest potential and they return that extraordinary reciprocation for you as well. You don’t have to change how you act or who you are to be accepted by them, those people are not your people, you are not going to be everyone’s person either. Not everyone’s personality, life goals, or morals are going to mesh. Don’t waste your time fighting to make them. Embrace you, concentrate on you, your goals, your dreams, your family- be kind, helpful and respectful of others but stop bending over backwards to fit in or feel liked and loved by those that will never accept you no matter how good of a person or how hard you try and stop trying to make sense of why they don’t.

Concentrate on the things that bring you joy, fill your cup, and accentuate your purpose. Always be willing to learn, grow, and adjust. Seize your YOU. 

The Pessimist Complains About the Wind; the Optimist Expects It to Change; the Realist Adjusts the Sails - William Arthur Ward

 

 

Goodbye 2023, Hello New Year New You

 

Traditions run deep in a lot of families.  I remember growing up getting together every Christmas season to make a multitude of pierogies with my aunts and cousins, surrounded by love, laughter and sometimes scolding and bickering, lol. An assembly line making and filling dough, and stuffing, sealing, and boiling dumplings to fry on Christmas Eve. My great-Bushie used to make all her dough on the kitchen table no bowl required… thank God for technological advances and KitchenAid. Being Polish, (both my grandmothers were) we didn’t eat meat on Christmas Eve, just perch, my Papa’s potato soup, potatoes, cottage cheese, herring pierogies, oplatki, and chruscikis. First, I made mostly potato, kraut, and cheese filling. As a kid my favorite was always cheese, a sweet cheese blend consistent between cottage cheese and ricotta texture. Later, my Bushie started including meat in them, as our family grew and changed and so did taste buds.  As I got older and moved away, I continued to make them with my mom for a few years and then by myself when she passed away. I have stuffed them with a bunch of different things we have tried because of someone’s suggestion, not limited to but as my memory finds, Philly cheesesteak, chorizo, pizza (meat, pizza sauce and cheese), chicken and alfredo, and chili. I am sure there were more I have tried. I now consistently stick to taco meat and cheese, potato and cheese, and sweet kraut, the most popular. Too many varieties is just all that much work for me. As I got older my tastebuds changed and my craving for sweet cheese turned into wanting kraut more which I would never be caught dead eating before I was in my 20’s. Oh how our taste buds change just like we do, as we grow and acquire new things that satisfy and those that no longer do.

Because Steve’s family had their own traditions, we would eat them as part of our Christmas Day celebration instead of Christmas Eve, like when I was growing up, but I have religiously made them every year despite how time consuming they are. That is the thing as you age, things change and sometimes you must change with them. That doesn’t mean your tradition is lost, just altered, and developing to fit your needs, wants and family dynamic.

This year seemed to flood me with a plethora of emotions while preparing them. Listening to Christmas music trying to get in the making mood, I reminisced of years ago, how our family functioned, thrived and then the broken relationships over the years, the thoughts and memories of loved ones passed on and this year being the first year Paxton and I would spend Christmas morning ourselves for our 3^rd Christmas without Steve. I think I cried more in the few days surrounding Christmas than I have in a while. Mostly not on cue and just random unfortunately. Which annoyed me even more, my mascara is expensive and messy, lol.  It is supposed to be the happiest time of year and somehow it was not, and no amount of effort was helping make it, even making cookies didn’t make me smile which it usually does, if you know me you know baking and cooking relaxes me and makes me feel satisfied to share with everyone.  

To be completely forthcoming Christmas this year sort of sucked. I hate saying this as I am sure there are far more scenarios of people worse off than us. And Christmas is a special time of year to reflect on the good and true meaning, and I felt distracted from allowing it to refresh and renew my spirit.  But mentally it just wasn’t my year. Christmas Eve and Day I probably sported some puffy eyes and I felt completely drained. I woke up and made my cinnamon rolls which didn’t rise correctly but still had Paxton deliver to our neighbors trying to be in a peppy/giving mood, went to help an elderly neighbor with a warranty issue he needed to email and couldn’t figure out, played a little Santa with some gifts for others , and tried to be the happy go lucky person I almost always am.

Christmas Day neither Paxton nor I had enough patience for one another or much going or not going our way around us. Our tense moods and limited tolerance did not prove to be a positive setting for our “sadness”. By late afternoon we made ourselves presentable, said a quick prayer and made our way over to Steve’s family for Christmas Day dinner (including our pierogies, and Paxton’s special request for me to make Donna’s potato salad, our first Christmas without her) Joined by ham, funeral potatoes, and homemade pizzas on my brothers-in-law’s new outdoor pizza oven we were stuffed by the end of the night. We made it through all of it, enjoyed our company, some great food and a few laughs and our day ended on a happy note much to my surprise and content. But I was mentally exhausted and ready for it to be over. Not every year has to be perfect and maybe there was some lesson learned or maybe we just needed to feel our feelings. It was pointed out to me that I spend most of my time occupied because it makes me happy to be distracted but sometimes, I just need to feel and let it happen, deal with the sadness, pain, and discomfort to move forward having dealt with my feelings instead of deferring them and feel okay about it. When you have someone supporting you and accepting you for who you are, what you need and how you feel with absolutely no judgement it makes all the difference. I need to recognize that I don’t have to push my feelings under the rug or try to pretend like nothing bothers me and put on a happy front all the time. It isn’t realistic, and it isn’t expected, and I absolutely love that I can be who I am all the time. I am learning to allow myself the grace that others give me.

In anticipation of coming to Indiana for 10 days I felt like there was a lot that needed to be accomplished before leaving. I was trying to make everything come together which also didn’t prove to be going as smoothly as I would like. One thing that I will tell you is to plan a vacation or getaway and they will come. Seems like new and past clients need you the most when you take a vacation. I wrote an offer on the beach in Hawaii one time. I am totally not complaining, I signed up for this schedule 22 years ago and I love it.

Since being in Indiana hanging with my family for the last few days, I have had 6 listing inquiries, 3 new listings coming up and 2 new buyers. I cannot complain. I can feel that lower interest rates coming and holidays slipping away that 2024 will be a year of prosperity and production. Six dry months (the first time in my 22-year career) is about to end and a new and prosperous year is just over the horizon welcoming me with open arms. My motivation is at an all-time high and my focus has been renewed. I will return to Arizona, my home for 26+ years refreshed, filled with hope, and concentrating on what God intends to send my way using my strengths and talents to serve a purpose higher than my goals or dreams could ever fathom.

2023 has given me lots of ups and downs, struggles, crushed some of my ego, tested my compassion and questioned my level of commitment to helping others, presented new beginnings, tried my patience, given me things to think about, hope for, and most of all a reason to be thankful for all of it, despite the challenges. I look forward to taking all that I have endured, the lessons I have learned and the people that I have met and those I have removed from my life into the next year in eager anticipation of a 2024 full of a lot more things to be thankful for. I am not the person I was 3 years ago or 1 year ago for that matter, if I was, I might be worried. With each passing year I hope that all that I endure, discover and experience makes me more of who I truly am, a person fulfilling their purpose while I am still here. Not to be morbid but no matter what we do while we are here, we will all face the same outcome, death. Why not be remembered for the good you did or the difference you made while you could.

Little steps can go a long way. If you are making a New Year’s Resolution, make it so that you can fulfill it. Don’t reach too high or pick something that doesn’t follow your path. Only pursue that which sparks something inside you, follows your passion or makes you feel fulfilled. It is a lot easier to commit in small increments over time than change big all at one time. Set yourself up for success not failure and don’t let the noise around you get inside and corrupt your goals or dreams. And whatever you do don’t pursue someone else’s dream! Life truly isn’t a competition. We all have specific talents, knowledge, and purposes, embrace yours.

Trust the timing of your life. Enjoy every moment and your journey. This is your story, write it well and leave your unique stamp on the world. 

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. – Ecclesiates 3:11 NLT

A gentle reminder and a different look to Christmas

 And we successfully made it through semester 1 of High School, barely in some classes but there is always next semester. And yes, I did say we. For a mom who is fully vested in her kid, this was my experience too! I must witness the days when his hair doesn’t turn out right, he forgets to do an assignment, water spills all over his backpack and had to replace a school laptop and math book, an open container of lotion in a front pocket that ruined just about everything in the pocket including his mechanical pencils that I seem to buy on a regular basis anyway because kids steal them from him all the time, so I just threw them away and started over after I cleaned the lotion out (yes, that was a mess), he feels bullied by some kids at school sometimes (the way he dresses, his hair, his weight, the fact that a lot of his friends are girls(these guys are jealous), kids can be so cruel, his head hurts, he thinks a teacher is stupid and so on. He is the NICE kid and I know that he can’t see it now, but I guarantee it pays off for him later in life. We have had a lot of changes this past year that have affected both of us in good and bad ways. For a kid who is rarely sick he missed quite a few days from sickness, the latest being 6 days of school laid up with pneumonia for 9 at home and that sure didn’t help him from getting behind further than he was from his already lack of focus. We did get the ok by the Pediatric Cardiologist to start him on the meds and Paxton doesn’t think so, (or so he says to me) but I will say since December 1 he has shown improvement to me on his focus and concentration. Dare I say helping him study and watching him fill out study guides for finals last week, his penmanship is even nicer.

Mom over here is struggling with a few things. Vulnerability at its best I haven’t sold a house since June. The market is weird, I have been in the business for 22 years and I have never gone this long without selling a house. I have listings, I have buyers, I have things that have fallen through, I have had missed opportunities and I have experienced a lot of overwhelming things in the past 6 months. I started a new business which I might say is getting off the ground and I expect to be a good profitable business soon, but it takes time, concentration, and effort. I feel that real estate will pick up for me in the next few months and I will get back on track with my efforts being fully rewarded. I am still the same giver, lover, and helper that I have always been. I try to recognize others needs and help meet them when I can, even without that income coming in. In my line of work, any of it, there is no guarantee, and you must be prepared for the lulls. This lull, however, seems strange, extreme, and disappointing to me as I want and need to be a successful contributor as the soul support of Paxton and I and our lifestyle.  But I know that struggling with what my purpose is now at this stage in my life verses six months ago, is taking a little more time to figure out than normal and losing that more steady income that I have been used to is nothing shy of a little scary. Do any of us really know what our future holds? We don’t I am living proof of that. I can only get up every day and prepare myself to give as much effort as I can to accomplishing what I need for us to thrive.

Yesterday I posted a story on social media, that said, don’t use your energy to worry, use your energy to believe. How profound is that. Worry will never change our situation! Neither will getting upset about something you cannot change! So why do we do it?  I can worry, I can fret, I can claim not fair all day long, but in the end it isn’t getting me any closer to the goal or end result I am looking for and it is just making me stressed the hell out over the unknown, that most of which I cannot control- there are too many other factors besides what I am able to control that could potentially skew the outcome I am hoping for! That doesn’t mean I don’t keep working hard, it doesn’t mean I give up and it doesn’t mean that I surrender. It just means, I accept, adjust, and keep on moving forward. I am not sharing this with you for any pity, for any help or to brag that I am still able to survive on not having a steady paycheck for 6 months. I am just wanting to point out that we all struggle, we go through ups and downs. No one’s life is perfect, no relationship is perfect, no circumstance is perfect. We just have to adjust to what we have, rely on the support around us, find our niche, accept our circumstances and choose the right attitude and approach. And in my 44 years I have come to realize most of the times things fall into place just like they should. Trust the timing of your life. Trust that God doesn’t always prevent things from happening, but He is right there next to you while you experience them.

The holidays are here, and I am missing a lot of people, reminiscing on old traditions and memories made. Maybe you lost someone this year close to you, maybe you are taking yourself back to fond memories passed of someone who has been gone awhile now, maybe you are worried about someone dear to you who is close to crossing over the other side, and you are just waiting for when it will happen. In any case we have all experienced a loss of some kind and this time of year it seems projected as we go about our busy schedules trying to make the holidays memorable for all who are still here. From Steve to my mom, dad, grandparents, Steve’s mom (our first Christmas without her), Grammy and so on. All the people who had a profound impact on my life and ones that had special meaning and memories of holidays shared. This will be our first different kind of Christmas since Steve died and by that I mean our third Christmas without him but our first Christmas waking us just us. Our first Christmas without Steve my brother came and shared it with us and we woke up Christmas morning to laughter, and sharing, gifts and giving, food and family, he helped transition that first Christmas alone for us. Last year we traveled to Indiana and woke up surrounded by my Aunt, Uncle, cousins with their significant others and dogs running around us to occupy our hearts and minds. This Christmas is going to look a little different. In a way I am excited to see what Paxton and I can share with one another starting a new tradition just the two of us but also a little nervous that our hearts will be a little full of sadness Christmas morning by ourselves. No excitement over what Santa will bring to lighten the heaviness in our hearts. I will have cinnamon rolls to make, and Paxton will love to deliver to the neighbors and have something to do to occupy a little of his time. We have decided to do church on Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve this year, this will give us something to do in between opening presents together and going to see my Father- in-law and the family later in the afternoon for dinner and gifts.

I woke up with a goal in mind today. Dump the trailer full of trash from the garage and shed that we have been working to gather and dispose of over the past months of useless things we have collected or saved over the last 10 years we have lived here, trying to get more organized, less cluttered and centered in our lives and frankly find the things we need to use more easily. It rained on and off all night and continues as I write this. I decided to start making fillings for my pierogies and wrapping more gifts since a trip to the dump this morning doesn’t seem feasible, lots of mud, rain and just not ideal. A trip to my bedroom with a pan of meat on my stove was probably not the best choice I have made with 3 dogs in my house… so now I must go back to the store and start again. Really! UGH! In the grand scheme of things, I need to, as my sister-in-law just reminded me of my tattoo, just breathe! Neither one of these situations is detrimental to life, our day, our overall wellbeing and should not affect my mood, demeanor, or rest of my day unless I give them permission to. I decided I won’t! It isn’t worth the stress, worry or negative energy that I would give it!

I also see Christmastime a little differently this year, as Paxton and I continue to adjust to new surroundings including Mark and his son being a part of our lives now. Not fully incorporated into our everyday lives but part of our life every day. Not necessarily for the Christmas Eve or Day celebrations we will be having but just for the fact that they are in our lives and incorporating how that looks like now for us and what it means for future celebrations. Being delicate to respect Paxton’s feelings, their own traditions as well as the newness of everything! Juggling is what life is all about sometimes. I am fully focused on enjoying life in the NOW, as none of it is a guarantee… I woke up to a phone call from a family friend whose husband passed in the middle of the night. So close to Christmas I reflected on what that looks like and means for their family as well as a reminder that nothing is promised to us no matter how much we prepare, plan, fret, or worry, things just happen. It is how we approach, handle, and perceive what we experience that makes the most difference.

A friend of mine I have written about before she is my rock as far as everyone choosing to be bitter or better despite their circumstances was thrown another curve ball a few days ago, when her sole source of income for the last 12 years decided to shut their doors a week before Christmas. Wow, talk about life changing. I know that her journey there was never guaranteed it isn’t for any of us that work in a commission-based business or even a hourly or salaried one for that matter. But it is a shocker, a disappointment and a fight or flight kind of feeling when you are left in the unknown. These are the times that you must choose to and concentrate on what you are grateful for in life over the things you have lost, didn’t accomplish, or passed you by. They may not have been meant to be or you may just be turning the page to the next chapter that will deliver things you never thought were imaginable.

I am grateful for a lot of things. My health, my home, my accomplishments, my determination, my strong will, my ability to forgive others and myself, my perseverance, my kind heart, my compassion for others,  a son who despite obstacles has an amazing head on his shoulders and will inevitably turn out to be an amazing man someday, a boyfriend who with every new day makes me feel more loved, happy and grateful and brings joy to my life part two, his adorable son who brings what seems to be a spark to Paxton’s inner child which I think he seemed to have lost over the past few years, and all the love and support of family and friends who believe in me, comfort me, encourage me and help me want to be a better person every day. This despite setbacks, loss, finances, and dog eaten pierogi filling is what brings out the true meaning of Christmas. Concentrate on all the things good and you will see more good things. Bad things are inevitable, don’t ignore them, but don’t let them take over your life.

Merry Christmas to Everyone may God shine His light upon you wrap His arms around you and comfort you despite your circumstances this year. If you have an empty chair may the memories of it full and the things you liked the most about that person fill your hearts with love and light, peace and comfort. May you reflect on all the good things that surround you this holiday season and in your everyday lives and bring you joy, make you feel loved, and encourage you to move forward to your next chapter with an open mind and heart for what is meant for your story. If you woke up this morning you still have a purpose go pursue it! This is your time for second chances, don’t let it pass you by!

Listen to Understand

Disclaimer: This is my POV, my experience. I am not an expert on this subject or any subject for that matter and I am not giving any advice on anyone else’s situation or experiences. I just write from my experience and my heart.

 In the 2 + years since Steve has passed, I had one of the lowest, toughest, and proudest weeks thus far a couple weeks ago.  So, in my mind everything I have been through I somehow feel like I deserve a child who has no issues, is completely respectful of me and bends over backwards to help his mom out. Like seriously something that comes easy for me. Single-mom-hood over here, 3 businesses trying to branch out into another, doing everything I can to make his life flow as smoothly as possible while wanting to give him the world and show him that hard work pays off. Yes, that is me, accommodator, caregiver, caterer. I know it is a fault at times, but you can’t blame a girl for her big heart and overwhelming acts of compassion and kindness toward others.

Often in life we try to compensate for something we have lost, and at times it is appropriate and other times it might just overwhelm us more than it should by trying so hard to please everyone else. I started out a compassionate nurturer, dealing with Steve dying didn’t help how much more compassionate I got… pushover to say the least. Kids are resilient yes, but currently how many of us have heard of kids threatening themselves to get attention or to manipulate what they want? Controlling, button pushing, stretching for things to go their way. This is a sensitive subject, yes, a lot of people are afraid to discuss it. Why? Because do any of us know 100% what any kid is capable of or what is going on in their head, absolutely not! So, we error on the side of caution so that we can’t blame ourselves or someone else blames us if we are wrong or if a kid does do something extreme and we didn’t act.  Mental health issues have taken over the last decade or so. Blame it on the environment, GMO’s, latch key kids, social media or whatever you want, but it is a problem and kids see other kids threaten and get their way, and they also experience the other extreme where kids are so far depressed that they take life into their own hands. I would say statistically the kids who verbalize these threats are not usually the ones who commit the act, the silent ones do. Either way it isn’t pretty or good for our youth to experience any of these situations at the rate that they happen now or even have to toss these ideas in their head or express them out loud.

Why am I bringing this up, why am I pulling you into my drama? Because I haven’t held back much the last two years. It is so good for people to understand they are not alone. Every kid is unique, however we can all learn a little from each other how to deal with the fear of one of our own committing suicide.

So I have been anxious the last few weeks up to this point 2 weeks ago, I had to have an MRI. A little over a month ago I had a routine breast scan and thankful that no cancer was found but they thought that maybe one of my implants was ruptured. After weighing the options, I decided to schedule the MRI to gather more information before going under the knife again! If there is no issue, I don’t need unnecessary surgery. There is a lot more involved in this but just for length purposes, I took this step first. My kid knew that the day of the MRI was sensitive for me. Why, because even though I am a firm believer in not worrying until you have something to worry about, it still weighs on your mind because it is the unknown. So, when the phone rang that morning and the other end said, hi this is the principal at Paxton’s school, my heart sank. In a brief second before she explained the reason for the call my brain scanned about 100 possibilities, NO JOKE. She said I have Paxton in my office, he says you are aware, but he is failing 3 classes at this time. Saving you the details, we discussed his recent ADHD diagnosis, his inability to start taking the medicine he was prescribed until he was cleared by a pediatric cardiologist and the fact that we couldn’t get into one until December 19^th. I have fought this for a while because I am not a traditional medicine person, I am all about all natural methods, but sometimes it is just too much, and I need to try something else for his and my sake. He can’t stay focused in school or at home unless it is something he is interested in and sometimes even then he checks out and spaces it. I need something over here, it can be straining.

Single parents… I am telling you now, feeling guilty about your situation whether it is due to death or divorce or just plain lack of involvement… try your best not to let your kid run the show, because you feel guilty. I am not sure if my kid even knows the definition of manipulative, but he has mastered it… It is so hard; I am telling you first hand. Kids are resilient but they also learn how to push our buttons and I have been aware of this for two years and just continue to think the situation will get better, he will grow out of it and things will fall into place. He starts to things correct, and then falls back into a guilting me routine. That is not how I want him to learn, grow and become an adult. It is in my hands to take control and do it now.

Recently he has been tough, he has been a handful, pushing my buttons every which way.  His age, his environment, losing his dad… it is a combo of everything. What vital years I am facing without Steve by my side to be that sounding board, that second voice, that I was once a 14-year-old teenage boy who wanted to do almost anything else but be at school. I cannot relate! Who says they hate their life, would be better off dead and wished they were with their dad… this is the third time in 2+ years he has said this, and it is too much for me to react to. it breaks my heart! If I know my kid like I do it is a manipulation tactic because he didn’t want to stay for tutoring after school, failing isn’t his fault, he has ADHD, he has a learning disability whatever excuse he can have to not take ownership. In no way do I want him to learn to blame failure or lack of trying on his circumstances. I know he is not me, but I think to myself look how far I got! Learning by example doesn’t seem to sink in with him. I want to believe that he would never act upon his words, he is afraid of the dark per se. However, there is always that part of you that has no idea if he would be capable of it and isn’t about to want to find out.

He pressed me all day long to come get him, he was having a bad day, he needed to be rescued , why would I do this to him, why wouldn’t I help him, he missed dad, I was a jerk, I was annoying, I didn’t care about him. After multiple conversations with Mark (who by the way was a 14 year old boy once and gives me a different perspective as to the inside of one and how to approach sensitive subjects and for that I am extremely grateful) , my sister-in-law (who raised two teenage daughters),  my dinner guest Lori (who often thinks outside the box) and his counselor (who is schooled in these situations and also was a teenage boy once too) , I decided it was best for him to stay at school, go to tutoring, and ride the after-school activities bus home. My dinner plans at the house with friends were cancelled, Lori agreed this took precedence and coming would give him an excuse to prolong facing what transpired early in the day. I had to threaten to take him to the 24/7 suicide clinic if he rode the regular bus home. He got nasty and I stayed firm. When he finally arrived home close to 7:00 (way too long to be on a bus but plenty of time for him to think) there were lots and lots of tears, I stayed calm in my voice, many, many things were said between us, but I think we had a huge breakthrough, communicating feelings is hard but necessary to move forward and grow in any type of relationship, be honest with your feelings, share them before they consume you. He admitted that he is always sad, he can’t seem to find happiness and when he does, he feels guilty about it. He did tell me he could never imagine taking his life, he just couldn’t do it, but that doesn’t mean these thoughts don’t occasionally enter his mind! Believe me I had said things out of haste as well, I am sure most of us have.

What I can fathom in my 44-year-old brain regarding moving forward and the difference between that and moving on…knowing that Steve isn’t coming back, is much different than what his 14-year-old in the moment how can I possibly see 10 years from now and know everything is going to turn out ok mind?!  We are still here, and his dad wouldn’t want us to be miserable, in fact if he could talk down from Heaven to us, I think he would be most proud of us getting up every day enjoying what journey we have left and finding happiness in the little and big things and fulfilling our purpose. No one is judging us for being happy (and if they are screw them) we shouldn’t judge ourselves either!  Guilt is a horrible thing. It robs you of so many pleasures, peace, and harmony.

I have spent the last several months building up to standing firm with him way more in a lot of situations! Do I have more practice ahead of me to ensure that I don’t fall back into the guilt-ridden trap of his button pushing, you betcha! Do I have some of the best support system amongst my family and friends 100% I do! Do I have to understand that I am not raising a perfect kid? I do, but I know deep down that all of the experiences we face, we will face together and it will make me a better mom, person, friend and companion and it will make him a stronger, wiser, more compassionate and contributing adult and fingers crossed an amazing husband to some deserving girl someday, and I can’t wait to see where he goes with life but I am pretty confident he will do great things.

Now that he gets up in the morning and rides the bus to school and I no longer tuck him into bed at night, we very often don’t pray or say what we are thankful for like we used to. The habit has been broken and consistency is lacking. I have a routine in the morning and at night by myself and we will say grace before dinner most nights when we eat together but it makes a difference when we purposely share God in our day with one another. I have made it a point in the last few weeks to reintroduce this habit. Thanking God for what we have and the things that we are thankful for just helps us recognize that the things that we are blessed with far outweigh the things that don’t. 3 things a day isn’t too much to ask. A good exercise to start doing is to take 10 minutes and just write down on a blank paper all the things you are grateful for from the smallest things that come to mind on up. Concentrating on the things that you are grateful for rather than your life’s perceived deficiencies will train your brain to expect more things to be thankful for. You will be surprised how full that paper really gets when you do this exercise. I have been keeping a journal of what we say to each other every night to look back and read all the things at the end of a week to reflect on all the goodness surrounding us despite the hard times, sadness, or setbacks.

Example from last night

Paxton: That I have good hair (he really does I am jealous), that we got to go to the extreme bulls, that I got a cool new hat.

Me: For him, that he helped me get down all my Christmas decorations, and for our friends.

Update on MRI: I have what is called an intracapsular rupture. Silicon is not freely leaking into my body; no emergency action is needed but I will take the necessary measures to prevent that from happening in the future. Not really what I wanted to hear but I am extremely thankful that it isn’t something worse.

Update on Paxton: He is currently passing all his classes, and we got his cardiologist appointment for clearance moved up to November 30^th.

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: 988 from your cell or 988lifeline.org