Change will become normal

 

So, I’m not gonna lie yesterday was awful. From the time I woke up until I went to bed, I cried at least 12 times. Paxton was supposed to go back to school yesterday as well and he went to bed crying and woke up crying and we just had to have a day or we didn’t necessarily accomplish much, we gave ourselves the time to be sad, and just allow ourselves not to have any expectations of each other or ourselves. I’m not exactly sure what makes sadness overcome you in an instant. It can creep in unexpectedly. I think we had two good days in a row, to pop into that so harshly.

To be completely transparent, I’ve always thought myself as an independent woman. Not that I didn’t think I needed a man but I’m strong and smart and I know that I can take care of myself and get through this, once I can figure out a new normal for us.

I had to laugh yesterday when I thought of myself being an independent woman because I’ve been with the same man since I was 19 years old. I’m not sure how independent that possibly makes me. I’ve always had someone to consult with, share my day, bounce ideas off of and more, and maintain that intimacy that you experience with someone that you love. I suppose I never really stopped to think about how important intimacy is especially after 23 years of it. You can ask any of our close friends it was something Steve and I shared often enough that people were often shocked by it. So, to go from an almost every day human touch and connection to absolutely nothing is quite a change. Someone told me the other day that Grief is just love with nowhere to go. Apparently, I have a lot of that bottled up because I’m full of love.  I have always been a loving person with so much to give and I love to do things for others, especially Steve, loosing that connection even in the simple task of making his lunch for work in the morning is sad.  I feel like I had every right to take yesterday and just make it what it was. Oh, I talk to one of my friends for about an hour and a half and at the end of our conversation he said to me that he wanted to tell me to have a good rest of the day but decided to just say have the day you’re going to have. I liked that wrap up of our conversation, no expectation on either of our part that my day would somehow have to go in a different direction if I just wanted to wallow in sad for a little while longer. Crying is really cleansing.

Paxton had strength and agility training last night and I so badly wanted to just stay home but he promised me two weeks ago when he didn’t go that he would go today. (Last week was break) and I don’t know what kind of parenting skills I would be starting to slack on if I didn’t make him stick to it.  I put on my tennis shoes I was determined to walk while he was at this practice, fresh air and exercise are good for stress, anxiety and/or sadness.

While I walked on this dirt country road next to where he practices God led me to a grief plan on my Bible app about an NFL player whose wife died in 2012 from a brain aneurysm. Listening to his struggles and the Bible verses that stood out to him through his pain were very enlightening and the walk was invigorating. I was re-inspired before I even went to bed, And Paxton left S&A telling me how awesome the workout was and the best one yet! I thank those of you who reached out to me yesterday maybe to you randomly, but God used you at exactly the right time and met whatever need I had at that time. It’s funny how God does that when your heart is in the right place, and you are focused on receiving his blessings.  I woke up this morning ready to focus on whatever God needs me to accomplish while serving him today with a smile on my face and warmth in my heart. 

Psalms 90:17 And May the Lord our God show us his approval and make our efforts successful. Yes, make our efforts successful!