Praise You in This Storm

 I woke up to some thunder when it was still dark this morning, to go look at my bedroom monitor of security cameras to see if it was lightning and raining. The screen was black, the power was still on and I thought to myself... WTF. I wanted to scream out loud, “YOU know this is NOT my area of expertise-STEVEN TY! Why in the hell did you have to leave me with all this stuff I have to learn and struggle through!” I played around with the monitor and the remote for a little while trying to get a picture, finally I gave up and I went back to sleep only to wake up to a phone call at 7:00 AM ( I rarely sleep that late) I had scheduled with a health insurance broker to discuss options. Our health insurance expired through Steve's work 9/30/21. So grateful for the extra time to try and figure it out- insert eye roll here. I signed up to COBRA-for now which by the way is more than my house payment a month! UGH! The rep confused me all to hell and then I think I actually tuned him out for most of the rest of the conversation...promising to look over the plans and he could follow up next week.  I kind of wish that I didn’t have to adult right now. So many decisions on my own and honestly, I am sick of making them!

Anyway, when we hung up, I got online to try to see what other bills came in from our health insurance from Steve's hospital stay, only to find out I had been locked out of his account. I called the insurance company and was passed around to 5 people in only 2 different departments for over an hour with no significant answer. One department claimed I was authorized to access the account and the other said due to him being a government employee they couldn't give me access without his written permission... “um ya ok hang on let me go get that for you.” Actually one lady asked if I could put him on the phone to give permission- I seriously wanted to crawl through the phone and choke her- at the beginning of our conversation I told her he was deceased and she actually offered her condolences. She sure backtracked right then, but still couldn't help me. I distinctly remember at some point during this ping pong match with these departments breaking into tears and telling one lady that after everything I had been through the last month you would think something could be easy. There have been so many decisions, so much paperwork, so much sitting on hold over the past month I just want it to go away. My new normal can’t start until I get through all of this crap, and honestly there is no better word for it than that. The stuff that must get done, but it isn’t easy, simple, or convenient. My husband just died, I am stressed out enough and then all this extra crap you have to figure out on top of it just really sucks.

Finally at some point today I gave it all to God and I just said you know what this is all going to work out. I am not in a hurry to pay these bills anyway and if they aren’t going to work with me then they can wait on my money. Why create more stress for me trying to help them? He is the responsible party and until they sue his “estate” I have time to figure it out.

I took Paxton to meet some baseball buddies at Elevate and sat around and talked with some of the parents for awhile, something I would consider normal and what I needed at the time. Should I be working on or taking care of stuff, probably, but there was always later or tomorrow.

 Steve’s co-worker met me to exchange his personal items they had for his work items I had. The site of his big red tool bag he had taken in and out of my truck when I would pick him up or drop him off at work when he needed to leave the company vehicle downtown gave me an instant stomachache, the red cooler he kept for his trips to Costco on his way home, or to pick up meat from Killians or MidWestern to smoke, and all the other things that his coworker placed in my car brought chills to my bone. So many things he will never do or say again. We stood around and talked for a little while. So many things that his coworker said that reassured me that Steve was definitely a family man and proud to be, he was the love of my life and the perfect father for Paxton. Sitting here writing this the tears are coming down. We were so loved by him. And our love for him remains.

Paxton went to a friend’s, I ran some errands and met one of my BFF’s for coffee in the afternoon, which turned into dinner.  It was nice to just sit and chat about normal things work and life and all of that. I told her that I was going to try to remain as calm as I can as things are thrown my way, because getting upset wasn’t getting me anywhere and only making me more well, upset!

The night was quickly broken up when Paxton called for me to come get him. He thought he broke his finger playing football. I just calmly said I was on my way to him. Because honestly as the morning proved getting upset at the security monitor, being frustrated to no end with the insurance company and just plain emotionally drained from my conversation with his co-worker and seeing his things, getting upset was not going to change much. Things happen, life happens, and I have always been the one to tell everyone else that we can’t always control our circumstances, but we can control our reactions, our approach and our attitude.

If it is broke it will heal, if it is hard it will get easier, if it is sad today, tomorrow is always a new day. Will my pain ever go away? NO, will I eventually learn how to manage it better I truly believe I will. And I want to live in the HOPE for that.

Good night all, may you reflect on the positive from your day and forget the rest. Tomorrow is a new day in which to begin your life. 

 “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. “ – Romans 8:18

Casting Crowns:

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
And once again
I say, "A-men" and it's still rainin'

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I'll raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm