What a Man Thinks What a Girl Wants

 

I can't even begin where to start, the last 2 weeks have been emotional for me in a way that everything seems to be heightened when I experience it which has also given me so many blog ideas that I wished I could combine them all together, but after much consideration of what that would look like (for those of you who are not ADHD I am saving you from tangled spaghetti (IYKYK)), you will just have to wait and read them separately so that I can give full attention to each topic that it deserves. So be ready for a few reads this week! 

Last week I wasn't feeling really great, and had a horrible ear ache. I tried some home remedies for a couple days before going to urgent care. Mark and I don't get a lot of time together each week so the majority of our relationship if we are not together or on a trip is made up of talking on the phone. Our communication is unlike any I have ever experienced with a person before which makes it easier for us to resolve any conflict or differences we experience.  Also I want to say that he is kind, thoughtful, and very attentive on a regular basis before I begin this story. 

2 Sundays ago I went to bed not feeling good and I am normally good at pushing through it. I try to just get things done but on this particular night I was exhausted and had nothing else to give. As I lay in bed talking to Mark he knew that I wasn't feeling well. We talked about me going to urgent care the next day to see if I could get some relief for my ear. I went to bed early and actually slept through the night, which in my perimenopausal state and having dogs doesn't happen very often! I woke up in the morning with a lot to do and appointments that had to be kept. I checked with 3 local Urgent cares, no one had call ahead appointments left and all had 2.5-3 hour waits, which I just couldn't fit in or want to sit in a waiting room with a bunch of sick people for that long, so I decided to do some natural remedies to give me some relief. 

No matter how many books I have read on the differences between men and women... my favorite being Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti(as per my reference above)- by Bill & Pam Farrell, I highly recommend the read if you haven't. In most cases men compartmentalize things into individual boxes like a waffle and women tend to intertwine things, everything touches like spaghetti on a plate and they can jump easily from topic to topic causing men to get lost in our conversations sometimes trying to keep it straight. How your recent trip to Alaska has anything to do with your friend Kevin's cousin Sue's horse or your electric bill being so high this month is beyond their comprehension. hahaha! 

As the day progressed and I not only felt horrible, I was pushing through all the tasks, phone calls and appointments with a painful ear, crabby attitude, and a stewing irritation that I wasn't checked on the frustration and emotions escalated. I saw this reel the other day of a sick women making the bed, doing laundry and cooking dinner meanwhile the man was laid up in bed with a cold compress on his head and a thermometer sticking out of his mouth. It made me chuckle... just a little. At almost 1 pm I got a text that simply said " Did you go to urgent care?" I mean I would have checked on him at least 3 times by then! Which I could probably say that most women would be on my side and this middle of the day text didn't quite sit right with me. Not a hi, how are you feeling babe? which would have totally made up for not being checked on for 6 hours since I woke up, just simply "did you go to urgent care?" After careful consideration I just responded no.

Now all of you who know me well, I am not lacking in the word department you know that sometimes my text can be paragraphs long, you may need to pour a drink or pop some popcorn to read them, so when I strategically responded no, I figured that would come back with some sort of response. Or so I was hoping. But no, nothing. When 2:00 came around and I had to go pick up Paxton from school my frustration got strong enough that I had to call a girlfriend on my way just to vent a little. Like why are men so clueless that they don't get we need to be checked on. This one little step could have saved a lot of grief. Now I don't get angry easily and I forgive quickly but I do get disappointed and frustrated. 

After picking up Paxton from school and heading to get his haircut,  I decided instead of being upset anymore I was going to turn this into a life lesson for my son! The boy had no idea what he was in for. I decided to make this a teaching moment that will hopefully be remembered down the road. I mean, he will have a girlfriend and probably a wife someday and what kind of mom would I be if I didn't take a moment to just put a little bug in his ear about what a girl wants! Right?! As the boy he is he will tell me his mind without hesitation. He was quick to defend Mark by saying, MOM, guys don't think like that! You were sick last night, you probably still don't feel good. Why would we ask that? Which after much stewing all day about poor me not being checked on, a light bulb went on in my head and immediately took me to all the books I have read about such a thing! I responded that I was just trying to give him a tip to help his future relationships flourish by cluing into what a girl wants and catering to their needs a little, just as a woman I try to focus on how a guy wants to be treated and act accordingly. 

After waiting until well after 5:00 for a response to my response and calming myself down from my annoyance with his lack of what was my expectation of how the day should have gone, what he should have said, how he should have responded in my head, which can be really exhausting and in my opinion could have been avoided! Once we did talk, I was able to turn it into a joke that I was grateful that his lack of concern for how I was feeling was a good lesson on how Paxton could be a better partner to someone someday with just a few words. "how are you feeling today?" which goes a long way in my book, and probably that of many women. I turned it into something we could laugh about for days and years to come. 

To Paxton's earlier comment about knowing that I probably still didn't feel good and why would he ask something he already knew the answer to made me laugh. Yes, that is exactly why men and women are so different, think different, and act different causing miscommunication and unfulfilled expectations in relationships. We don't talk about it enough, we just expect our partner to think like we do and then get upset at them for not. But we don't think alike so naturally we don't act or respond alike! If we did life would probably be a little boring. If we would all just communicate with one another in a light and positive way what our needs, desires, and wants are we wouldn't get so disappointed when they think the way they do and are unable to fulfill our expectations. 

I don't think any of what was going on in my mind about his lack of reaching out even ever crossed his mind as ill intended. That is where simple communication regarding how you want/need to be treated or engaged with, could save a lot of stress, anxiety or frustration that was really unnecessarily formed in the first place. It has been about a week and a half later and I will say it may be a little sarcastic and a lot playful, but I think he has asked me how I am feeling almost every day since then. We laugh and move forward. If you are constantly trying to improve your relationship, and you are waking up every day and choosing that person, I highly suggest being able to communicate with the goal to understand the other person instead of trying to change them. Naturally you should both change a little as you notice the positive response you get from even some of the smallest things you can say or do that can really make a huge difference! 

Installing Twist Throttles, Fixing Chains and Mini Mentoring

 

Collaboration and mentorship are a huge part of growing up, and something that even follows us into adulthood where we can learn more and experience new things. You know I love definitions so here you go. Collaboration is the act of working with someone to produce or create something, often involving a partnership or union.  Mentorship works closely with collaboration sometimes taking that partnership to the next level. Mentorship is the act of advising or training someone, most times a younger or less experienced person.  Mentorship is important for young people especially. I agree that a young person when having the knowledge an older person lacks, can also be of huge benefit to an older person. It is all based on upbringing, skills, and life experiences which can be unique to all and not bound by age.

As a mom raising a teenage boy without a father, having a mentor(s) for him is extremely important to me. There is something to be said about the people who have come into our lives both before and after Steve’s death. A friend of mine reiterated last week in a conversation we were having with Paxton at that time that some of these people are in our lives for a reason, season, or lifetime. I know I have blogged about this before. Not everyone that comes into our lives is here to stay forever. I am extremely blessed to have had strong men in Paxton’s life even if only for a period that have a wide variety of skills they share with him, not only does it give him insight into what he wants for the future but also gives him character from the experiences he has had. All of these men have different characteristics that benefit Paxton in many positive ways, and I believe essentially are what is going to shape him into the amazing adult that I know he has the potential to be. Obviously along with girl/women postitive influences as well!

I can’t think of anything that Steve would want more than his son to have all the positive influences that he can have to excel in his future and maybe even some of the bad, harder, or life teaching ones too. I remember when my dad died there were certain father figures that I found helped shape me into who I am now. As a girl I felt like the women in my life taught me how to be a better woman, but the men showed me what I was looking for in a future man, and life experiences have helped me find what I am looking for in my current partner life part 2. I want Paxton to not only have mentors that can be there to share their wisdom, life experiences, and insight to help shape him, I also want him to have someone  who is consistently there to guide him despite the life happenings that sometimes prevent the other mentors from being able to show up every time that he needs it, I am also equally grateful that he is called to be a mentor as well.

To be completely honest, when I met Mark, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about a man with a kid who was so young, or how it would affect mine. Maxon was 5 when we met and just turned 7 last week, my son being a teenager I was closer to being done with those years and also didn't know how sharing my attention would go. Fast forward to the first time I met him, and I was hooked, and I would never second guess that thought again. God really knows what he is doing, and I decided to trust the process and surrendered the outcome.  I will say a year and half later, I couldn’t be more thrilled to have a man who consistently shows up in my son’s life and a son who wouldn’t think twice to be like a big brother mentor who he has always secretly wanted to be. (For years he begged Steve and I for a brother, this may not be exactly what he was thinking, but we don't always know what we are meant to have, until we do.) I know he doesn’t read my blogs, but one day down the road into adulthood if he ever does, I am pretty certain this won’t be a false statement.

It warms my heart that his big heart is drawn to teach as he has been taught and pass along his knowledge, skills, and kindness to others, especially Maxon who has so many influences yet to be exposed to and learning to be consumed and there will be a lot who contribute to who he becomes. Paxton might be a typical teenager who is going through one of the toughest and most influencial times in his life who also met the unfortunate circumstances of losing his dad at a young age. With both combined he tests me and drives me completely insane on the daily but also enhances who I am and who I am becoming, and I love him with my whole heart. I am truly proud of him and who he is becoming. Trusting the process, surrendering the outcome, is one of the most profound sayings in my life right now and probably always will be. I am grateful for all life experiences, the good and the bad, which both become a part of who we are. So, the next time you want to get down on yourself for what you are going through, remember it all works toward the outcome of who you are meant to be. Process it, grab your popcorn and stayed tuned for the ending… just kidding the journey is just getting started. Enjoy.

Not Your Typical Influencers

 

I woke up this morning with the ICK feeling I get now and then. There are a few times a year that my depression just comes in waves. No matter how hard I try to be positive to reflect on the good times, or to find things to occupy my mind it just sits with me. I can't predict the when, or moments that the  emotions will build or the tears will well up in my eyes without notice.  This to me is a sign of love that is not getting to the person that you love, because they are no longer here.  How does the saying go, time heals all wounds?  I am not sure that I agree with that at all! I don't know if we EVER necessarily heal. It just gets easier to bear but is never forgotten nor do I believe it should be, it is part of our journey and our story. Everything that happens to us contributes to who we are not only for what it is, but how we respond to it. When I get all caught up in my emotions and feels I know also know that I will not allow myself to stay there. Since it is temporary, I am confident that it is also ok to feel this way as long as we don’t get stuck there.

These days we hear a lot about influencers, especially through social media. I am sure you could name one if prompted to.

The definition of influencer these days is as follows… individuals with a large or highly engaged social media following who hold considerable sway in specific industries such as beauty, fashion, fitness, travel and food. Known for their authenticity and innovative approaches, they use their specialized knowledge and authority to influence target audiences. (https://sproutsocial.com)

An influencer can be referred to as a leader, motivator, inspirer or trendsetter.

When I think of the word influencer as someone who motivates or inspires two people come to mind automatically. 

34 years ago, tomorrow, on January 8^th, 1991, I walked into my house after school to both of my parents who weren't usually home together at that time because of their work schedule. On that particular day, my mom gave me her best loving mom look and said we have something to share with you. I remember looking at her and then to my dad and I said "she died, didn't she? " I had an eerie feeling the whole day that this was the case. The best friend that I had known in my short 11 years of life that I spent practically every day running back and forth across the street with, lost her three-year battle with brain cancer at such a young age. I will tell you that of all the influential people in my life who have gotten me to where I am today, she was probably one of the most profound of them. For someone who was in so much pain, experiencing so much turmoil and what I would consider fear of the unknown, she was the most positive, happy, smiling person I have ever been so privileged to know. A light to anyone’s darkness.

Fast forward to ten years ago January 8^th, 2015, I woke up with the same feeling and knew that only six months into her diagnosis and cancer battle that I had to say goodbye to my mom yet another extremely influential person in my life and also my absolute best friend. Fitting that they share the same Heaven Gotcha Day! Both in their own ways taught me to be as full of life, grateful, and as positive as I could be no matter what obstacle or situation that life throws my way just from their example. I couldn't have asked for more kind, caring, and loving influencers. Each of them had their own unique ways of lighting up a room and just making things better for me and others around them.

At 45 years old I have been through my share of ups and downs in life. Failures, setbacks, trials, heartbreaks, and tragedies are guaranteed to come into this life but once we can grasp onto the key of living life to the fullest despite them we start focusing on our successes, triumphs, celebrations, tranquility, and happiness then we are winning. 

Today I wore my, But Did You Die? sweatshirt. The clerk at HomeGoods asked me what the meaning of my hoodie meant. So, I proceeded to tell her the story about how my husband died three and a half years ago and my group of girlfriends who ultimately think I'm a bad driver  (I am not denying this- But did you die? Don’t worry they are all still here) but love me anyway, and how we added the phrase to our memorable and influential life quotes (we have built a list) to live by and then was able to find it on matching hoodies that we each now have. I told the cashier we all have an expiration date, and we don't know when that is so we need to live life to the fullest every day that we can. With a warm smile on her face, she just said “thank you for sharing that I hope that you have a blessed day.” I told her to enjoy her day and walked away with a warm feeling in my heart. If I can share even an ounce of spirited sunshine that I learned from Tana and my mom on a daily basis, I'm fulfilling part of the purpose that God has given me.  

I can walk through life, sad, depressed, deprived, and grumpy from every negative encounter that has built up over the years or I can choose to shine a light from a place of compassion, love and positivity enjoying every moment I have left sharing a glimpse of these two ladies’ big hearts along the way. 

 

Be the things you like the most about the people who are gone. 

 

A Facebook friend of mine who also lost her husband, shared this passage this morning. 

On Those Days

On those days

when you miss someone the most

As though your memories

are sharp enough

to slice through skin and bone

 Remember how they loved you.

 Remember how they loved you

and do that

for yourself.

 In their name

in their honor

love yourself

as they loved you.

 They would like that.

 On those days

when you miss someone the most

love yourself harder.

 It struck me as something that was worth sharing and it goes appropriately with my blog today. 

 

With Christmas just behind us I am sure with all the packages, decorations, and bows you encountered that at least some spectacle of glitter touched your skin or clothing.

 

If there's anything that you take away from this blog, I hope it is that you will place more emphasis on dwelling in the shiny glitter that life has to offer and start spreading that stuff everywhere. Life has taught me that there's plenty of it to go around and once you get it, it is hard to come off no matter how hard you try.  Share some with others and wear yours with pride.