One year- School take 2- A broken finger and a Puppy

 

So, this past week was the one-year anniversary of Steve getting sick not really knowing what we were to expect in the upcoming months this time last year, and the thought never crossed my mind it would end up as it did. Paxton went back to school last week two days the third day was a complete struggle! 

I’ll save you all the details but if it boils down to him feeling like he didn’t belong at school when he went back, he had people wanting him to play ball which he didn’t want to play for good reason. He had teachers and students treating him with what he thought was pity and he just wanted to be treated like a normal kid who didn’t want people feeling sorry for him because his dad passed away. And I don’t blame him. Long story short a friend suggested maybe he just needed a change.

And with that suggestion and asking Paxton his input on what he wanted to do he chose to switch schools for his eighth-grade year. I may have cried a little in the registrars office at the school he has been at since Kinder, but I told myself that our circumstances changed, and if I have learned anything in life, we don't always get what we want or expect, we learn to adapt and move forward.  A fresh start, people who don’t really know what happened to him, people who are either going to like him for him or not. Not just because his dad passed away and they feel sorry for him. Teachers who are going to put expectations on him like they would any other eighth grader. And that’s what I think he needs. He may have to have taken on this year with a uniform, a haircut, and shorter breaks throughout the year from school as the school year schedules are different. But now he doesn’t start until August 8 he will be at school with his two of his best friends. They know what he’s been through but don’t treat him any differently than they did before. And next year they will all be joined together at the high school again, with the 4th in their quartet who is already there. 

Paxton decided he is giving up on the Cubs, they have literally now traded everyone he liked, even Wilson Contreras. So, he wants to re-do his room. I only have his room and the guest room left to have everything freshly painted in my interior. I told him in order to do this and re-decorate he needed to go through all his drawers, closet and under his bed and get rid of everything he doesn’t use or wear and donate it to someone who will. He agreed. 

Long story short, I decided to put some travel bags from his closet to mine, I climbed over the baby gate from my bedroom to bathroom keeping the dogs from eating the cat food and ended up somehow looping the strap from the duffle bag around my ankle and lost my balance tossing me forward, grabbing the sink on my way down to break my fall. I then drove for almost 3 days making my Ortho appointment for when we returned. One displaced oblique fracture of my left-hand pinky finger later, that requires surgery to try to have it heal not crooked but with no guarantee, I opted for the crooked finger, less risks from surgery, avoiding  my $3500 deductible and went with the annoying inconvenient splint that I cannot get wet, dirty, or sweat in…. hmmm last time I checked we live in Arizona, and I sweat just stepping out of my house, making dinner, do dishes, etc.! Obviously, they don’t understand what single stubborn mom who lives on a ranch and needs shit to get done and has a high pain tolerance entail! Oh, and has a girl’s trip with some besties planned for two weekends for wine country and some paddle boarding at Dead Horse State Park. Well, my Dr. appointment and my paddle boarding trip are only 2 days apart… so let’s just say I am not rescheduling my trip… I am a 43-year-old woman who is going to have a crooked finger no matter what, so I am not going to let it stop me from having fun! But ok, I did fit in a morning paddle board adventure with my friend and SIL before my Dr. appointment yesterday… so obviously I can paddle board with a broken finger.

Good old Facebook, a puppy popped up in my feed from a Catahoula breeder whose page I had liked back when we got Ryker 4 years ago. A puppy who looked very much like Piper when she was a puppy and immediately, she stole my heart. I told myself I didn’t need a puppy, especially since Paxton (prior to Piper disappearing) was getting a lab from my friend Audrey’s litter in September to train as a duck hunting dog when they are ready to go to homes. Who in the heck needs two puppies…? I pushed the thought out of my mind until I dreamt about her that night. So, obviously a sign that I needed her right? Steve passed away and I had Piper, his princess dog to cuddle with me at night and poof she disappears with no trace and I am alone.  $100 deposit later and a few phone calls/texts and we had a plan. (No one ships dogs above 85 degrees, so that was not an option) Needless to say I was thankful that school now starts August 8^th,  my teacher neighbor didn’t start work until August 1^st which allowed us friends to tag along on our road trip adventure to Iowa, that we completed passing through 9 states, covering 2844 miles in 68 hours, 2 quick hotel stays, that came with lots of snacks, lots of laughs, potty breaks and discovering our favorite truck stops, that apparently Casey’s has the best pizza, the Missouri Welcome sign is a complete pain in the butt to take a picture,  and where not to go in Albuquerque to avoid your 12 year old being solicited to buy pills at the circle K. It was a short trip including lots of crazy, lots of fun, and making cherished memories for both kids and moms! So good for the soul.

I wasn’t sure what this year would bring all these firsts happening. I know I say your happiness and your reactions are in your control but sometimes the emotions just come, and you can ignore them or deal with them as they arrive to avoid future frustrations if you ignore how they make you feel at the time. There is no rule book, it is trial and error, no one can live our lives for us or tell us what to do. We just must make the best decisions for us, based upon our situation and the information we have, try to remain patient with one another and enjoy what we can when we can. I don’t know that there is necessarily a right or wrong way to do life, as long as we keep pressing forward, hoping to fulfill our purpose, and perhaps relating to and/or inspiring others along the way. What we chose to have and do at our home, looks great from everyone else’s, they can't live our life for us. Just remember to do you, be you, and enjoy you.  

When you are in your own lane there is no traffic- Ashley Frank

 

 

Avoiding reliving the past

 

On the way home from three days in California, I looked in the rearview mirror to hazel eyes staring back at me that looked in deep thought so much so that I just wished I could be inside his head for just a split second. To peer into the thoughts of a little boy, scared, hurt, confused and unsure of what his future holds. 

All the conflict and struggles over the last year wrapped up in this little boy‘s head, just a day before he had to go back to school for his eighth-grade year. He hasn’t been in school since October of last year and I’m sure many fears and anxieties were brewing in there. 

Rewind to the day before, where he expressed his concerns and struggles with going back to school, the anxiety that it was causing and the scared little boy that I wished I could rock again. You know the one where you could kiss their boo-boo, stick some silly character Band-Aid on it and all their hurt and fears and pain would go away.

I’m sure it’s every mother’s dream to make all their children’s problems go away to fix it and to make them feel better, even into adulthood. That is definitely the nurturer in me. “You may have outgrown my lap but not my heart darling” I would say to him if he didn’t think it was cheesy at this age.  He may be growing up before my eyes faster than I would like, most of his friends are a year or two older than him but he’s still my sweet little boy who’s hand I like to hold and sneak kisses occasionally, not in public of course, I have definitely been schooled in what is considered embarrassing. 

I don’t know how many times we prayed over the last few days for him to remain calm, for us to go over the different things that he can do when his mind wanders at school, reminding him how at a very young age his Bushie taught him how to breathe in peace and breath out fear, as he becomes overwhelmed with fear or anxiety. 

He made a promise to me that if I let him stay out of school from January until May he would go back in July. I told him that I’m proud of him for honoring his promise and that I think he’s going to have an amazing year. Of course, he had a hard time getting out of bed this morning and fought me just a tad bit, stalled a little, and made up a couple tiny excuses. But as a mother who wants to give her son the freedom to make his own choices sometimes, I just have a feeling I know what the best is and I drove him to school anyway. 

Yesterday evening he brought up to me that he wished he would’ve been able to ask to be part of yearbook… Calling in my favor to the school after being of service there since my kid was in kindergarten, they were able to make that happen for him. Grateful over here for small blessings. I mean if he must go to school all day long, he may as well enjoy a few of his classes- that and PE… also he does like science. I sent him off to school in anticipation to hopefully not receive a call before the end of the day that he isn’t able to make it through. I silently prayed to myself on the way that something good will come of this day that would help him to realize that going back to school will be the best option for him. 

We pulled up to school in front of a little red car and his baseball buddy he hadn’t seen all summer got out. 

With a big grin on his face, he walked right up to Paxton slapped him on the hand with one of their cool boy handshakes and off they went. What perfect timing and a blessing in disguise right then and there my prayer was answered, to find out later they also had 4 classes together warmed my mama heart.  

Baseball tryouts are next week, and I would love for him to play for school I know that baseball is tough for him now that Steve passed away and he said it still makes him miserable thinking about it or playing it without his dad.  Mama over here is okay with tournament fishing, his dabbling in roping, his love of riding his horse and interest again in 4H. Would I love to see him play school ball yes, you betcha I would. Is it my choice NO, I will not make him do something that makes him miserable inside. I am not inside his head, nor do I know the loss of connection or how it affects him that his dad is not here… It is incomprehensible to me and since I’ve been one to always say that feelings are neither right or wrong I’m going to let him take the wheel on this one. Sometimes I think pushing them to do the things that they don’t want to do can end up making it a worse situation than if you just let them choose to stop doing something that makes them unhappy. I have had several people want him to return to the team, and I know that he would be a great asset. After school I asked him again about baseball. He teared up and said he didn’t want to play, I reiterated that I understood about Club, but didn’t know why he wouldn’t want to play for school, it was low pressure, just go out there and have fun I thought, and his dad wasn’t really part of his school ball since he was in the hospital for most of it. He said that school ball reminds him of his dad being in the hospital fighting for his life and the roller coaster we were on, the updates during games, the ups and downs of the season and then missing his last  playoff game because of his death and getting to only play in the championship that they won, but the pain of reliving that time frame was just too painful for him as he wiped the tears from his eyes, whether he played his heart out to win for his dad or not, his dad is no longer here.  Enough said in the mommy book of agony that her kid should not have to ever go through again. So although, I would love to see him play and win another championship in his last year of junior high and I think he would definitely be a good asset to the team, I also understand the pain, hurt, and negative connotations associated with him doing so and his heart wouldn’t really be in it.

He didn’t call me to come pick him up or call me at all from school today. He text me at lunch “love you” and that was enough for me to know he is going to be okay. He got in my car with his usual, my day sucked attitude and I was reassured that my little boy who hates school was back and ready to get into the mundane routine of the year. PS I hated school too, even though I pushed myself to do well, hence why even though I could have I never pursued my master’s degree or beyond.

So off to different things, things that will bring newness and purpose and gratitude for the past experiences that helped shape him into who he is today and will become in the future. I am excited to find out what the future holds for him and what great things he will do with his life, but I will enjoy the journey and not push for him to grow up to fast! Sometimes a chapter ends, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t serve a purpose for whatever great things are to come. Just because you are good at something doesn't mean you should do it. Maybe it chose you for the time that you needed and now it is time to move on. 

 

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” – Lao Tzu

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” —Joseph Campbell

“Oh, my friend, it’s not what they take away from you that counts. It’s what you do with what you have left.” – Hubert Humphrey

Follow that curve in your road

 

It has been a crazy whirlwind few weeks. From Steve’s princess going missing for absolutely no apparent reason that we can think of except maybe fireworks, wracking our brains why, where, how, when exactly, and making ourselves sick over trying to get her back. No leads, so much desert and farmland, thousands of posts and shares, lost pet sites, organizations that try to help find your lost pet, scam texts, and glimpses of hope with pictures of found pets sent that were not her, lots of flyers, door knocking, shelter calls and visits and even droning the area all around us for any sign of her. There were a few days there that I struggled with deep emotions, what ifs and best- and worst-case scenarios. I cried for 3 days straight, pretty much at the mention of her name.  To be honest, I don’t have the warm fuzzy feeling that she will ever return, and my gut is a pretty powerful indicator of my spiritual connection or the universe telling me what’s up.

 Everyone thinks she is so pretty and is probably living it up in someone’s cozy air-conditioned home. My gut says she isn’t. She doesn’t have that personality. She reminded me a lot of Steve. She didn’t just let anyone in her circle. She warmed up to you and was your friend when she was ready and when she trusted the person. When someone new came over while Ryker was bubbly and craving for attention, she was 30 ft away assessing the new person. I have a few neighbors that don't even like to let her out for me. She hated our previous pool guy and was very skeptical about a few people who have visited our home and has been much more on guard for Paxton and I since Steve died. She didn’t like to be touched when she was sleeping and would often growl at people, or act like she would nip you, even Steve sometimes and she was his baby. I remember when she was very young not to long after we got her, one night she bit Steve when he tried to approach her, I will tell you she never made that mistake again.

I don’t see that she willingly went with someone unless she was in super distress and as many of us that went on the search multiple days in a row for no one to see her makes me think she is far away or out there in the wild somewhere, doing her thing or lying dead somewhere from the heat and lack of water source or an encounter with another animal. That is my gut, but after listening to several people’s stories about pets returned, weeks, months and even years later, I will hold that little hope that one day maybe I’ll see her again, but I am not going to move forward with my life obsessing over her whereabouts or chasing dead ends making myself sick or unhappy. I know that I and others still look for her every time we get in the car and drive anywhere from the vicinity of my house and beyond. There is always hope she could still be found I guess, or that is what we want deep in our heart for sure. That story of us reunited. 

Friday someone posted a dog and from far away it looked so similar or I wanted it to (you really had to blow up the photo). I got so excited, and the adrenaline rush was enough to make me so high that when it wasn’t her and I crashed, I literally felt exhausted and overwhelmed with sadness all over again. I just can’t obsess over finding her, no matter how special or how important she is to Paxton and I and was to Steve and others that loved her, it tears me up inside but my goal in life right now is to try to live every day that I have to the fullest, in the present and with as little stress as possible. They say stress can cause many health-related problems and since I have 2 parents who in my opinion died too soon in life (54 and 66) I want to do everything I can to make certain that I take care of myself the best that I can with what is in my control and to be here for all the significant events in my son’s life. 

I took a shower and laid down in my bed to just rest for a few minutes truly exhausted from the adrenaline rush earlier in the day. I feel asleep for what seemed like a few seconds, I woke up startled after a brief dream that Steve opened my bedroom door and asked why are you napping in a tone as if it were a silly thing to do. My heart rushed but the more I thought about it the more I was connected enough to feel he was saying to me… get up go with your friends this is not the end of the world if you are still in it, Don’t allow missing her or me to stop you from actually living your life to its fullest. That may be a lot from a brief dream but if you had the conversations we had when he lived you would understand. 

I got to a low enough point last week that Paxton was telling me that everything would be ok, that we love her but need to live our lives. I know he is hurting too, so for him to be brave and consoling me, he is far beyond his almost 13 years for sure. When you experience loss like we have you have 2 choices, grow up fast in the right direction or live in misery and make wrong choices that lead you down a path of destruction not only for you but a lot of those on your path. When he told me that he has heard so many stories of people doing “bad things” and he was concerned that I was so sad that I might do something to myself, my heart literally sank. Was I THAT sad in his eyes? Was it just my crying? Did I choose words that would give him this impression? Or is he just a worrier and has experienced so much loss for a 12-year-old he doesn’t know what else to think for fear of losing me too! We are going to go with the latter.

For those of you reading this I will reassure you just like I did him, in my 43 years with all the loss and crazy things in my life, ups and downs, losing people, properties, financial issues, hiccups, and trials and tribulations, I have never once “lost” my faith (doubted yes- but not lost) or considered killing myself- EVER. With this said, no one must add me to their watch list… I promise you that. After quickly praying I chose the right words to reassure him, I wasn’t leaving him on my own accord at anytime and that although I know these things may at times cross his mind because he is afraid to lose me too, there are things he can do to combat those thoughts and we went over them. I never want him to be afraid to talk to me or ask me things, EVER. He is a super sensitive kid like his mom, very caring of others and a nurturer with a caretaker soul, he just wants to make everything better for me. He is truly a blessing to me.

A friend of mine who is going through some battles of her own said something to me the other day that struck a chord with me(everyone goes through battles and I don't believe in placing a weight on anyone else's struggles- not everyone handles things the same way) ... She said, “I want to be you when I grow up.” And she is a year older than me... LOL. At first, I thought what a silly thing to say. Why would anyone want to be me? Believe me in my opinion some days I don’t even want to be me. LOL. I am such a humble soul and don’t really like a fuss, sometimes it is hard for me to take compliments. I don’t necessarily lack confidence, I just don’t feel that the things I do which are part of my personality or character are worth making that big a deal about, it is just who I am. The way I was raised coupled with the things I have experienced, and my unique personality traits have molded me into who I am today. I realized that she doesn’t want to be “me”, she meant she wishes she could handle things the way she perceives me to.  The way that I handle the things that are thrown at me and am somehow able to recover get out of bed, pick myself up, stay active in life, move forward, and have a positive attitude most days, while still being able to laugh at myself and have some fun while enjoying what I can with what I have and who I have in my life. She even basically said her struggle pales in comparison to what I have went through, but like I said I don't agree with comparing. We definitely can control our actions and reactions but I don't know if I believe we can control our feelings, we just have them.

I wished I could explain it to you. I have always strived for more and expected more of myself. When I was young, I was afraid to disappoint my parents, so I made good choices, I pushed myself hard to get good grades, it didn’t always come naturally to me, my work ethic was strong… I tried even harder for the things that I wanted, no one made me or threatened me to do well, I pushed myself and I always have. I don’t do well sitting still and I think that keeping busy is a form of coping with a lot of the things that I have been through over the years, and it is because I choose to focus on what I can control rather than what I cannot, and I truly believe that is what has made all the difference for me. I could have completely chosen a more destructive path. Some days are easier than others. And every day is a choice to live in sadness or enjoy as many moments as I can while I am still here, breathing and with a purpose.

You know how much I love song lyrics and quotes when I write and this one seems pretty in tune with what I feel this blog relates to. Life is full of twists and turns that you can’t always foresee, no matter how you plan sometimes you must just go with the flow and look forward to what might be around that bend in the road. Be yourself and enjoy your ride every chance you get. 

From Nowhere Roads by Eric Burgett

When God’s got something he wants you to see and fate's gots someone she wants you to meet, you roll with it, you go with it, ride that wind, check it out breath it in, where you thought you were headed may not be where you end up, ya that’s big stuff, sometimes we hold the wheel and sometimes were in control and sometimes nowhere roads, know where to go. It’s not the concrete, dirt, or gravel I’ve run down my whole life, it is the desperate turn my heart took that felt like do or die. When I find myself on a nowhere road I will keep on it until I see where it goes.

Love it All Goodbye

A year ago I would have never fathomed my life to be where it is today. I would have never anticipated what would happen in our lives over the next few weeks after our return from vacation. We were in the pines living up our summer before going back to school. Fishing, riding bikes, horse trail riding,  ATV adventures, fry bread runs, working on small cabin projects, playing games and eating Steve’s fabulous BBQ. 

From his sickness, struggle and death to all the emotions, complications, frustrations, setbacks and trial and error living our new life over the past almost year we have seemed to be able to adjust and start to move forward, some days slower than others, but forward. 

If you are reading my blog for the first time you may need to go to the home page and catch up, if you have been following me you are no stranger to the chaos we have experienced along the way, mini trials, setbacks and more. Even with the crap that we have experienced along the way, I am always looking for that silver lining, being grateful for what we do have, and striving to move forward, even though we will never be able to move on or live our lives the same again. I try to maintain the glass is refillable and I am still here for a reason mentality. HOPING for a purpose and brighter future for both Paxton and myself.  

This weekend proved to be a time where I actually considered giving up my ability to turn something into a positive or my ability to accept and adjust and considered I might not be able to climb my way out of the feelings I was experiencing, start to lose hope, and doubt my faith. Did I really find my breaking point? For all those people who have declared how strong I am, would this be the point where I let them down?  

Definition of breaking point

1 : the point at which a person gives way under stress. 2 : the point at which a situation becomes critical. 3 : the point at which something loses force or validity stretch the rules to the breaking point.

I found myself faced with this struggle over the last 3 days when we came home from a day full of fun with friends to discover Steve's baby girl Piper (who is now almost 7) gone from our yard. Just like she vanished. Camera footage where she was once and then never to be seen again. I will save you all the details of our search and the surging emotions that it caused, the amount of people who have helped search, dropped what they were doing, posted, and got the word out that she is gone and how truly important she is to Paxton and I. It is such a blur and so many details that I don't even know I could relive it. 

The simple fact that it could even happen still isn't understood, we really can't even fathom how she got out of the back yard, why it didn't alert our other dog and there was absolutely no documentation of it. No sign after she went out the dog door at 8:04 pm rounded the corner under the gate into the corner back yard seconds later and when we got home at 10:00 pm she was not home and we have 11 cameras with no sitings of her again.. It is ridiculously unimaginable if you ask me. We even kidded a few times Steve must have beamed down and grabbed her because he needed her more. - hey no judging sounds ridiculous but I have to laugh at something or I might just fall apart. 

For 3 days I have been sick to my stomach, played different scenarios over in my head (here returns the overthinker that I am always trying to shed myself of) went without sleep, checked my cameras to see if she returned or was out front 17 times in the middle of the night, calling for her, being irritable (mother nature has the best timing) making posters with family, crying as I hung every one, reaching out to tamale and taco trucks on the side of the road and random strangers fishing in the local canals or sitting on their porches, knocking on doors, flagging down UPS, FedEX, Amazon and garbage truck drivers to ask if they had seen her, searching for her down every road, anywhere near by, in the desert, around the farm fields, taking Ryker with us in case she was nearby and could pick up his scent, laying my bed spread in the middle of my front yard with her scent on it in hopes to bring her home, stalking Facebook, social media and all the online sites possible, going to the animal shelter, droning the area for any sign of her body or her running through a field, getting texts, tagged in posts and messages about found dogs getting my hopes up but that are not her, and lots of scam texts saying she has been found, send money, give me information etc.. I am really glad I am not that naïve. But it does piss me off to the point I should probably be praying for these assholes to not be so mean and take advantage of distressed people. It is sickening someone could even do that. 

Paxton deals with his emotions in a different way then I do and so the clashing we have done with one another in the last few days has peaked at moments that I am definitely not proud of. My patience levels slimmer than normal and my emotions so out of character for me led me into a tailspin of spiraling out of control, crying often, not wanting to get out of bed, no motivation to do anything other than what I need to function, eating very little as my stomach is in knots sick over her disappearance and the thought of her never returning is incomprehensible. 

A trip to Indiana for two weeks of R&R- giving us peace of mind, clarity and hope for the future. More motivation for myself with work, health, exercise and being happy where I am.  A child so excited to start a new project and a new competitive sport in the fall, something to look forward to, accepting of going back to a physical school in the next couple weeks after being home schooled for 6 months and less resistance to being helpful around the house and less of the teenage talking back or down to me, being more supportive of mom. All signs of moving forward in our new life- a part of me feels and fears from what I have experienced the last few days that this may halt, change, or rewind the progress he and I have by ourselves and together been able to accomplish. I pray that this is not the case, but I am not certain of the turn around bounce back time on this one. Two steps forward, ten steps back? 

I have been confused, overwhelmed, saddened, angry, felt guilty, scared and literally curious if I was at my breaking point,  what that looks like and whether I was finally there and if I could handle any more tragic notches on my timeline of life. Until today I doubted whether the uncertainty or outcome of this situation would bring me further into a pit of despair or if I would lose my hope and faith that I have always been able to save no matter what life throws at me. 

For those of you who I have spoken with in the last several days, who may have doubted my ability not to fall apart, who have listened to me cry, hyperventilate or break down crying midsentence, thanks for not giving up on me. I decided that I am not broken, the outcome, whether she is returned to us, or we never know where she went and won’t ever see her again will not cause me to lose my faith, hope or ability to be grateful for what is in front of me, the purpose I have, or the future I look forward to. It may take a little longer to get up when I fall down, but I will get up, I promise. 

I am not giving up hope or stopping actively seeking her, but I am confident that I have done all the things I can do to this point to get her back, and I need to let go of obsessing over how this might turn out and let it play out because no amount of stress or worry will bring her back to us for certain or more quickly. 

Something reminded me today of last week at the orthodontist when I noticed a kid wearing a shirt with a skeleton on it playing cards. It said It’s not about the cards you’re dealt but how you play the hand. -Randy Pausch- There is so much truth in that if you know anything about playing card games or poker there are a lot of analogies to associate with life. I may not have been able to control how she left, where she went or the fact that it even happened, I can't rewind and do it differently next time, I can just accept what happened and not let it ruin me. 

With this said I want to remind you that I am not sure that I believe that things happen for a reason as much as I believe in divine timing thanks to a friend's explanation… timing plays an important role if you pay attention and associate it to things in your life and use what you see, learn and discover at the right time it is meant to be, as we all have free will and the freedom of choice, and the ability to control our reactions to every situation. 

Last week when I heard this song for the first time on the artist's IG reel, I was not only in love with his voice, the words spoke to me... I couldn't believe I never heard of him before, downloaded a bunch of his songs on apple music, have listened to it over and over again and realized today why these words had so much impact on me, especially in the last few days with losing Piper and all the emotions and feelings I have been experiencing. 

Steve may no longer be here to be my person, to provide me love and security and all the things you experience with your significant other, especially when you are looking for validation or just someone to be there for you, hold you and comfort you, and give you hope, but his love lives in me and in Paxton just as if he were here he would love all of our fears, sadness, troubles and anxieties away by his presence, we can look inside us and feel it, because it is a love we have experienced before, love is all around us and love is what pushes us forward, gives us hope and a future. Love causes our bodies to release feel-good hormones and neuro-chemicals that trigger specific, positive reactions. Love is powerful not only when we receive it but give it in return. 

I normally leave you with some song lyrics typed out when I associate a song with my blog, but I really think you need to listen to this one.  

You may have to cut and paste it in your browser, I promise it is worth listening to. 

Love it All Goodbye- Eric Burgett

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w6uY39ky5M

Healing With The Squirrel Method

 

This weekend we enjoyed some great distractions from friends in Payson for a graduation party Saturday and yesterday some time on their boat at the lake despite the monsoon storm. I had stuff to do at home for sure, I always do, but most of the time it can wait.  

 Shiny object syndrome in my mind is anything that diverts your immediate attention onto something else in order not to deal with the problem at hand. I looked up the actual definition and it is the tendency for someone to chase something new, be it an idea, trend, or goal, rather than stay focused on what they are doing. Another example that some people use is the word SQUIRREL when someone is easily distracted by something else. Sometimes we use this phrase to be funny. I do it a lot with Paxton and him with I, because both of us can tend to veer off from what we are doing or working on especially if it is something we don’t want to do, or we are getting bored with. And it usually breaks up the seriousness of a situation and we laugh! It can definitely turn into a problem if you are never accomplishing something, and you are always distracted, but in my opinion in terms of grief it is a blessing.

Some may say if you are distracting yourself with shiny objects or activities or thoughts that take you away from your immediate situation or task at hand that you really aren’t focusing on what needs to be done or solving the root of the problem at hand. Diverting your attention from one thing to another is temporary, and in most cases not a good problem solver or it prolongs you getting something done.

The thing with grief is that it is not a problem to be solved, EVER, it is something that you experience in life that you must learn to live with it, alongside it, learn how to cope with the feelings it causes you and the life you now must live without that person by your side. You are not meant to “get over” the person.  You are meant to learn to move forward and live your life by incorporating the best things about that person, the things they taught you about yourself, and life and move forward with yours, you still have important stuff to accomplish or you most likely wouldn’t be here.

The shiny objects whether they have monetary value, are in the form of new friendships or relationships, new activities, or experience, changes you make that might be too painful a remembrance of that person and you replace them with something else, new places you have never been, or a place that you stop visiting because you frequented it with that person and every time you go it hurts too much. These are all forms of coping.   Coping mechanisms are strategies people use in the face of stress/trauma to help manage painful or difficult emotions.

You are in a sense diverting your attention or clinging onto these new things to feel better, to lessen your sadness or distract your attention and continue to live. The actual definition of shiny object alludes to the fact that these things don’t usually stick, and they definitely don’t in the case of grief replace what you are missing they just make what you are missing easier to bear. If these things are not harmful to you or your family or anyone else, or not allowing you to function in the here and now by being too distracting, they can be a real blessing. You need to continue to live despite your grief. I have stressed several times over the past 11 months of this crazy journey since Steve got sick, that Paxton and I are still here. We need to cherish the experiences that we had with Steve, continue to feel the love that we shared, use the things he taught us, and celebrate the life that he lived in our memories. The saying goes, be the things you loved the most about the people who are gone (I truly believe this is good practice- I put this on our Christmas card this past year).

Grief is not something to get over, it is like a stain on your favorite shirt that gets lighter the more you wash it, but it never really goes away and you know it is there, even if most people may not notice it glancing at you, so you wear it anyway because it is your favorite shirt. You will carry that grief in different forms along your journey, but you will never forget it and it is a permanent stain on your heart. It may get a little lighter as you move forward, just like the shirt you will have other shirts that you can wear in between this one when you are reminded of that sauce you spilled, you will have experiences and people to distract you from your grief and just know that is ok. Just as the shirt being your favorite you can’t wear it every day, you will get to the point where there will be more new experiences to enjoy, people to celebrate and calm you,  and things that make you happy on your journey and the thoughts, sadness, and negative feelings will hopefully fade like the stain so that you may flourish and live out your God given purpose using the talents, abilities and experiences you have to do what you are intended to do in life, while enjoying it along the way.

I firmly believe that God is present in our lives, but we have free will to make our own decisions, and the ability to control our reactions to situations and circumstances, even when we cannot control them I also believe that happiness is a choice. If you are constantly pointing out the things that go wrong, the bad stuff in our lives or the lack of things we have and dwell on what is missing, you are missing out on life. As I have said previously… take what you have and make what you want. Focus on the good rather than the bad. It is ok to be sad, get down, allow yourself time to even get angry but you just can’t live every day this way and wait to be happy when only good things happen to you.

Happiness starts with you every morning when you wake up, it is a choice that you really can’t get from any other person or shiny object unless you choose to be happy, if you wait for those things to come to you, you might be easily disappointed every single time. Start today by finding things to be grateful for and reasons to be happy, even if it is in the smallest things. Write them down or say them out loud, this makes it more real than just those thoughts you have in your head.

Your mindset is amazing when you train it to believe in the good and stop focusing on the bad or lack of things. It is a daily habit, it may not come naturally to you, but practice and experience thinking positively can make your life so much more enriching than concentrating negatively all the time because you feel robbed of something you think you should have. Unfortunately, since we can’t control what we go through all the time, we must learn to deal with it in a way where we don’t lose sight of enjoying the life we were given.

Word of wisdom from my favorite author:

Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you would never have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper. -Og Mandino

When you do great things don't boast, help others along the way when you can, and be grateful for what you have despite your circumstances. 

Our circumstances have the ability to hinder us, make us bitter or prosper us. Raising an almost teenage son, I love the words to this song. Life happens, it will not always be roses and rainbows, and remember that a rose has thorns and rainbows only come after the rain. Often we must deal with what we consider bad in order to enjoy the good. You will always have mountains to climb and obstacles to overcome or find alternative routes to get through.  Don't expect things to happen to you or just fall in your lap, go out and get what you want, work hard, share your talents, be proud of your accomplishments but not at the expense of anyone else by boasting.  Be confident but always stay humble and kind. 

Humble and Kind -Tim McGraw

Don't forget the keys under the mat
When childhood stars shine
Always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be wasted time
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door, say please, say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but

Always stay humble and kind

Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flyin'
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleepin' with someone
And sleepin' with someone you love
"I love you" ain't no pickup line, so
Always stay humble and kind


Hold the door, say please, say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind (Yeah)

[Outro]
When it's hot, eat a root beer popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're goin', don't forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind

The Power of NOW

 

Two weeks away gave me a lot of time to think and be still in my mind and listen to the true desires of my heart. I think so many of us work so hard to be happy in our future, when this happens, or we accomplish that thing. 20lbs from now, when we get the promotion, when we sell one more house, exceed the next deadline, finish that degree, or find the right person, then we can do this or that, when we meet that next goal that we have strummed up in our mind all will be right in the world. There is nothing wrong with striving for more in our lives or having goals. It is just sometimes on our journey to that; we forget to be happy NOW.

I read a book years ago called the Power of Now by Eckart Tolle. We need to take more time to appreciate what we have in the very moment. The Power of Now shows you that every minute you spend worrying about the future or regretting the past is a minute lost, because really all you must live in is the present, the now, and gives you actionable strategies to start living every minute as it occurs.

This is such a great practice for us to accept all the things that happen to us on our journey. Some of it is self-inflicted, we have free will, some of it is completely beyond our control and the only thing we can control is our reaction to those uncontrollable circumstances. We have so many choices on the journey. Some will be good, some bad, some learning experiences and some amazing memories. We as humans need to strive to enjoy as many minutes of our lives as we can, while we can.

From my experiences with so much close to me death in my life,  I can reassure you that life is a gift that we are given every day, but our days are numbered, and we have no idea when our time is up. We all have a time, death is inevitable. Worrying about it isn't going to accomplish much but rob us from living life NOW. We can plan all we want but sometimes those plans don’t quite work out the way we hoped. We need to make every minute count when we can. We are human and emotions can get the best of us, but we can come back to center and re-focus or efforts on striving to be happy in the moment instead of waiting for the right moment to be happy.

Several weeks ago, I went to a mastermind and the speaker talked about an “enough” number. I have never really thought about this before, but it really hit me when he said it. I do have one. Too me an enough number means, what are you willing to accept or take as your monetary accumulation to have “enough” to live on to live with in your means and be happy. I am sure that everyone has one even if they haven't defined it. This is the number that justifies how much you work verses how much you play or how much you are willing to sacrifice time away from your family or time that you want to focus on spending with your family where working a little bit more is too much of a risk because you are giving up your family time in the present. Like I have stressed before, we don’t know when our time is up, so stop working so hard to make your future spectacular. Sacrifice now for rewards later IS NOT PROMISED. Enjoy NOW while you have it.

I know that I am always striving for more but being happy with what I have accomplished thus far and what I currently have now is way more important to my well being and the example to my child then waiting to be happy or to do the things that I want until some future date that I may never have the chance to see. My goal is to complain as little as possible, I definitely can’t say not to complain ever, that is an expectation that I don’t think any of us can accomplish.

Hug your family more, tell them you love them, don’t be afraid to go for what you want, stop beating around the bush,  stop waiting for the perfect moment, (there probably will never be one)  be happy for what you have now, take what you have and make what you want, be an example of a satisfied person to the younger generation by being grateful every single day for all that you have and remember it is ok to strive for more, but don’t work so hard for a better future you lose sight of the amazing things you currently have. You may or may not believe you have a destination in your future. A Heaven that you will one day be welcomed to. Whether you do or you don’t, you are currently on a journey… ENJOY it… the good, the bad, the hiccups and the triumphs, you deserve to be HAPPY… NOW.

Finding True Calm in the Chaos

 

I haven’t written for a couple weeks. We are back in Arizona, and I promise you when we got to the Chicago airport last night, I checked my bags before going through security, LOL- (just a little FYI for those of you who read my last blog.) 

Paxton and I enjoyed our non-rushed time in Indiana, free of expectations and deadlines, household demands and time commitments. To be completely honest it was exactly what we needed and at the time we needed it, March when we originally planned to go, I now know was not, and am grateful my gut feeling stopped us from going then. There is something about taking the time to relax, rejuvenate and refresh completely without caring about the consequences of what you are missing out on from your busy schedule. I haven’t had the luxury of really letting go since I have been in real estate (this is my 21^st year) due to the nature of the business. I wrote an offer on a beach in Hawaii a few years back for goodness sake. This trip I will say has been the closest I have ever gotten to letting go without the worry, frustration, and guilt.

For those of you I didn’t contact, didn’t see multiple times, or didn’t even let know I would be in town, I appreciate no hard feelings. I saw a very limited number of people. I needed to disconnect, to not have a schedule, to process my mental health, my feelings and reconnect with who I was through nature and just being there. I enjoyed fishing, watching Paxton in his element, playing in the woods, lots of lake time and sun, exercising every day, reading books, watching birds, listening to the frogs and birds and nature sounds all around me, seeing the deer and wild turkeys, squirrels, chipmunks, muskrats and beavers do their thing, listening to and playing in the rain (maybe not so much the tornado or the power/water outage we had for 21 hours) but the also the company that I did see.

I don’t think I am very photogenic; I am super critical of myself most of the time.  I can take 30 selfies, like none of them then delete them all. These girls who know all the right angles… yep, I just may be a little jealous of you. My photographer friend said to me once that you are truly smiling when your eyes are smiling, this I believe is something from the inside out.  I happened to capture a photo on my cousin’s boat on the lake where I grew up that I felt looked decent enough to post, since I did have fun and was relaxed, and because I only had to take one, I posted it.  I received so many compliments and even phone calls about this photo. Wow, I had no idea. I was kind of embarrassed for posting it. I am humble and too much attention doesn’t sit right with me most of the time. But I loved the fact that others recognized it… I wasn’t fishing for the beautiful or gorgeous comments… what these people recognized was far beyond that. This picture signified to me that when you are your true self, you don’t care what others are thinking about you, you totally let go and you are relaxed and calm, even if your hair is a mess from the wind, your smile and true character shine through and that is what shows, not necessarily your outward appearance, but a reflection of what you feel inside. It has been a long time since I can say I truly felt that way. You can create your own happiness, but sometimes your circumstances make it seem near impossible to do so and it reflects in your outward expressions and attitude and ability to create that happiness, the kind that isn't forced but true. 

My aunt’s property that I have been able to enjoy for the past 30 of my 43 years since they purchased it is lots of acres out in the middle of nowhere, it is truly a place you can go and unwind, disconnect (for the most part) and be yourself. Her neighbor friend made me a shirt; it is the state of Indiana with a heart for where her house is and says Home Y'all. I am in love with this shirt. It isn’t where I am from exactly, I grew up about 2.5 hours away, but I don’t believe home is necessarily where you are from, but where you feel like yourself the most, where no matter what, you can feel happy, and want to continue to come back there.

I have had several people since Steve passed ask if I would consider moving back “home” to Indiana, where most my family is.  My answer is still no… I would never say never, but I have no intention of it. My life is in Arizona and has been for the last 25 years. I am established here. This got me thinking, what is home? Of course, I looked up the definition, would you expect any less?

1. n. the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

I also came across these two:

2.  n. any person or place that fills your heart with joy, warmth safety and security, a place where you are loved and welcome.

3. n. a place that feels like a tight hug: Where time stands still for just a moment, where the noise of the outside world is blocked out and where you can breathe it all out after being tense all day. From the moment you enter the door, you are safe, you are warm, and you are exceptionally loved.  

Number 3 is my favorite. Not only did I experience this while I was gone, but I was ready to at this point in my process of moving forward.  I know I can have this feeling at home now too. I know your circumstances have a lot to do with it, but I also feel it is something you can create. Who you choose to spend your time with and what makes you happy are in your control. Not everyone is the same, that is what makes us unique. Stop competing with everyone else’s idea of happy. We all have a next level of relaxation we can go to in any situation. Practice this and choose wisely. Let go of what is beyond your control, stop rushing, smell the flowers, enjoy the walk, be silly, try new things, don’t try to fix, plan, or prepare for every circumstance in your life, you are bound to get disappointed. (Take this from my experience with overthinkers anonymous. LOL) You can take what you have and make what you want. I know I can make my home or any “home” truly home, just by stopping to create my happy, breathe and let go of all the noise of the world with those that I truly love, whether family or friends.

To find your calm and accept and create happiness you may just need to be ready for it, timing is everything.

  

 

It's all about finding the calm in the chaos. – Donna Karan

Learn to laugh at yourself

 

So I need to experience things to have blog content right? I am convinced, or so I tell myself that is why somewhat crazy shit happens to me. Or maybe it happens to everyone, I don't know. 

 Last time we scheduled to go on this trip, there were a bunch of little things not going right that caused the already anxiety I had of leaving as well as not 1 person to stay the whole time for our animals, as a recap we ended up cancelling our trip plans in March at 9:30 at night the day before we were to get on the plane. I had been uneasy all week and when Paxton finally admitted to me that he wasn’t feeling right about it either, my intuition, the holy spirit or gut feeling whatever you call it told me no, don’t go.

We rescheduled our trip for this week. Both of us checked with each other several times during this last week and neither one of us had the uneasy feelings that we had the last time. There were a few things that happened at home last week that made me question our trip but didn’t make me feel uneasy or willing to cancel again. We found lovely people to watch our animals for the whole time, and most of our neighbors would be home to just “be around.” So I was content, and actually excited to go “home” after 2 ½ years and see all my family. This time we were ready.

Funny story at the airport, cause again my life wouldn’t be complete without being shaken up a little, as to not inconvenience anyone to get us to the airport at 5:00 AM, I decided to just drive and park. We got to the airport at sunrise and got a great parking spot, a little walk to the tram and we were at the airport ready to go ahead of schedule. Picture this: The security line was a tad long so we waited and walked through the line, until we were two people back from actually having ids and boarding passes checked to go through the scanners when it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized and looked at Paxton… we didn’t check our bags, SERIOUSLY, I waited inline for 15-20 mins…I can’t even imagine what people were thinking and not saying as we weaved our way through the line around us, we got a few looks, but honestly Paxton was wearing an I Heart Hot Moms shirt, so in my mind I just assumed we were being judged, LOL! I am sure I will never see any of these people again so I didn't really let it bother me. 

Why in the heck did I forget such a major detail in my traveling -checking bags! I can say it was early in the morning, I normally travel with other adults or I get dropped off at the baggage level, but I will just admit apparently sometimes I am a crazy hot mess and you know what that is ok, it is ok to not be ok all the time and to admit I am not perfect! , We have traveled so many times I just couldn’t even fathom how I forgot this.  I literally laughed out loud… we had to get out of line, go downstairs and check our bags… I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking or that I could get through security with large suitcases, especially the 40lb one of fishing equipment… but somehow it happened.  Luckily the getting back in the line was quick and we had no issues getting on the plane. Thank God for small blessings.

The first night was amazing, family, fun, laughs, the best pizza ever, card games and great conversations. Glad to be able to get to see family and spend some quality time relaxing, refreshing my soul and rejuvenating my mind just to wake up to a rental car that leaked transmission fluid all over my aunt and uncle’s new house driveway overnight. Really, in the back of my mind I seriously thought to myself can I catch a break!  

After almost 3 hours today on the phone with the rental car company, getting the broken rental car taken away to be fixed and a new car to have for the duration of our trip, 2 glasses of wine later ( no judging it is 2 hours later here than AZ), a great lunch made by my uncle, the sounds of a soothing waterfall, and view of a gorgeous koi pond, good family, conversation and laughter I have to always remember that how I react to my circumstances is far more important that the circumstances themselves, and the people I surround myself with make all the difference. I live a truly blessed life despite my circumstances.

“though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inward we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal,” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

Weekend Recovery

 

This weekend seemed to prove overall enjoyable for me. We were able to escape the heat of the valley and head up to our cabin for a long weekend. Time with family and friends. A little peace, relaxation and rejuvenation are always good for the soul. I ended up hosting 5 boys (to sleep) ages 11-18 and I tell you what, they can be loud, obnoxious, and rough with one another. No one got seriously hurt (well maybe a couple scratches and hurt feelings a few times) but all in all, they got to be boys and I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. They fished, swam, rode ATV’s, bikes and side by sides, played games, horseshoes, corn hole, football, hit some softballs, saw Top Gun, ate lots of food and watched our friends play 3 softball games in an adult tournament and celebrated their victory! The weather was perfect despite the lack of rain and lots of pollen, my truck seriously looked completely yellow at one point and I had to use my windshield wipers just to get it off to see to drive. Claritin to the rescue.

We had a lot of people up among the 4 family owned properties and 2 lots on our street. I was sort of anticipating having some anxiety over the weekend. I have never been a fan of crowds. ( I can make it work but I hate Disneyland and the Fair, LOL)  I am definitely a more low-key intimate setting kind of girl. Yes, we have hosted parties at our home for years, and I love to entertain, however my comfortability level actually lies in a smaller setting.

As an example, I came from a really small high school. My whole entire school 6-12^th grade was only around 700 students. My graduating class was the largest at the time of 131 graduates. When I came to Arizona to ASU in 1997 one of my classes was an auditorium of over 200 students in one class. I am not known to be a very anxious person, but that seriously overwhelmed me. This may be surprising to a lot of people as I definitely come across to most as a friendly and social person.

On Sunday everyone who was up came to our cabin as Paxton wanted to bury some of Steve’s ashes in the cluster of trees, which houses some of my mom’s ashes along with both of Steve and I’s first 2 dogs who passed away. There are painted rocks that mark the spot and he wanted to feel the sense that Steve was there always. In the almost 24 years Steve and I have been together we had owned that cabin for 20+, it was as much his as my mom and I’s.  Paxton also has another vial that he will spread at Roosevelt Lake at some point when he is ready.  Steve’s Aunt led us is prayer, his Uncle said a few words and a friend closed in prayer. It was a somber moment but a reflection of life and a necessary step as Paxton and I move forward with whatever God has planned for our lives. I am grateful to everyone who came and everyone who wanted to celebrate a life that in our minds was taken too soon.

I could have stayed up there for another week but knew that we had to get back to the valley for a few days to prepare to go to Indiana next week, the trip we had delayed from March. This time I have only good feelings about going, I have someone to stay at my house and watch my animals the whole time and I feel confident even though I will be missing some crucial work moments that I have plenty of help to fill in for me while we are gone. I look forward to the time with my family and the time that Paxton will have to enjoy fishing, playing in the woods and receiving the love and attention that our family will give him. I feel like this is more the right time to go then 2 months ago and that the experience will bring both of us peace and preparation for the upcoming school year, activities that Paxton wants to be involved in and me fully getting back into the swing of work, life and being fully focused on the tasks at hand with joy and peace in my heart.

When we got home last night Paxton cleaned out his duffle bag (that used to be Steve’s) and brought me a note that was shoved in the corner of one of the pockets. It had obviously been there for a long time and was never discovered before. The paper was ripped the ink had bled some from getting wet at one point and there was no date. It was a note (I had written lots of notes over the years to Steve, in his lunch bag, when he went on a trip, just because- I am a writer remember that is how I express my feelings most of the time, I am not always good with verbal words.) He must have gone on a fishing trip, probably to Lake Powell without the both of us as I signed it Dani and Paxton. Although I will not post the entire note here it must have been a time in our marriage again that wasn’t “perfect”. One line stated Enjoy yourself, take this time to escape your everyday worries and anxieties and soak in the beautiful natural creations God has given you to enjoy while you fish.

I teared up as I read the words on the tattered note Paxton handed me. I asked if he read it and he said he did, as he noticed I signed it with his name at the bottom as well when he unfolded it. I was okay with that because I want him to know that life gives us ups and downs and if we are committed to a goal, a relationship or a task at hand, we give it 100%, we fight not to give up and we enjoy all the beauty and blessings this life has to offer us while we complete our purpose before we can enjoy eternal life in the next.

 I felt that this letter was presented to me to read at just the right time. I just wrapped up a nice weekend where I enjoyed myself immensely despite missing him extremely. Nothing in this life is going to be perfect. We cannot always have control of our circumstances or what is thrown our way. Time doesn’t stop for what we are experiencing. We can only control how we react and how much we let our situation dictate our pathway of our future.

If you are experiencing a struggle, setback, or heartache… just know it is normal, this life isn’t meant to be perfect, easy, or fun all the time. Make the most of it, find the silver lining and look forward to the reward in the next life. God is bigger than any difficulty we face, and he is always there, even if our prayers don’t get answered the way we want them to.

 

Isaiah ends Chapter 40 with this encouragement: “But those who trust in the Lᴏʀᴅ will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).