Just Breathe!

  

Today Paxton comes home from being away for 3 weeks. I am more than excited that he is coming home early. To say that I have missed him is an understatement. Did we need the break from one another. You betcha. But when it is time, it is time. He had fun, my family loved on him like he needed to be and I more than appreciate all that he was able to do and experience while he was there. To be honest I miss my family a lot. I have been shopping real estate there for awhile, just browsing. Is my heart pulling me there or are we trying to escape our trauma and circumstances that are guaranteed not to probably disappear with a move, but it is worth investigating all possibilities in my life and embrace any changes that are for the better. 

A house came up this trip that I just had to find out more about. Paxton has been bugging me to move there for almost 2 years.   He and my aunt went to check it out and I think we all fell in love. It had a 2.5 acre pond and 5 acres of woods to hunt, right up his alley. I am torn between moving and staying there is a lot at stake for both of us. My family is there, but my friends, career and community are here. Long story short a lot went into praying and thinking and pros and cons and weighing it all out, on both of our parts, and I am proud to say we made a family decision that we really like where we live, and we will continue to visit as often as we can! 

I have been wanting to get a tattoo that is just for me. I currently have 5 all centered around deceased people. Yes, that sounds morbid in a way, but it does give significant meaning to what they are and why I chose them. I came across an image a friend posted on social media with a saying that has always resonated with me. Most of you know I can go a million miles a minute, I have my hands in multiple projects at one time, my brain thinks ahead constantly, and I can talk fast and jump around topics often. I am sure I can annoy some people and have felt people sometimes not have patience for my demeanor, but mostly everyone I know loves me for who I am, flaws included.  Those of you who put up with me, thanks! I know I am a lot sometimes. But I don’t sugar coat or hide who I am, who I am is what you get! Transparency is what I give. I will not apologize for who I am. 

Many years ago, a friend Mitzi gave me an ornament that said “Breath, slow down, breathe, take it all in. Trust.” A picture of a girl with a bird on her shoulder. It has been hanging from the steering wheel in my vehicle since. My mom was all about teaching me to breath, relax, focus and trust my whole life whenever things got stressful, I was hurting, or I needed to deter my thoughts from something negative. I am trying to teach Paxton to do the same, so his fears and anxieties do not overcome him, and he can learn to cope to the best of his ability. 

 Breathing is important, and I am not just talking about what you do subconsciously. At times breathing needs to be intentional.  I am grateful for every breath I take. I wake up every morning with a grateful heart, a chance to make a difference and a purpose. Some days are easier than others. When  2 months ago a Facebook friend posted that image that resonated with me I immediately thought it would make a perfect tattoo. It was a jpeg that said Just Breath with a dandelion blowing in the wind at the end. It has been stuck in my head ever since and after this past week I decided to make it reality. 

I am normally an instant gratification person when it comes to something I want, but sometimes things are worth the wait and timing is everything. Trust the timing of your life. And this was the right timing for me. After a little alteration from the tattoo artist (the same one that did my last 2 tats) who made it fit what I wanted to portray and where I wanted it to be. A reminder that when things happen unexpectedly, don’t necessarily go as planned, or start to get overwhelming I need to Just Breathe like my mama taught me. 

Did you know that dandelions those little yellow flowers that seem to pop up just about everywhere in fields, on the side of the road, and in the middle of your yard all summer long, you know the ones as kids as they went to seed we plucked and blew them off into the wind, making a wish as we blew, they actually have a medicinal purpose and symbolize hope, personal growth and transformation while often used in Native American and European peoples for a plethora of health benefits, cleansing, and healing purposes. 

So as I am still on this journey embracing my new beginning it is only fitting that I would chose something reminding me of my carefree childhood, hope and wishes for my future self, but that also represents the ability I have to be resilient, push through my challenges and obstacles, blow away the remnants of my struggles and disappointments and let them roll off my shoulder and move forward. 

When things get overwhelming remember to just breathe! 

Reflect, Release, Refresh, Reset then Move Forward

 

When your bible verse of the day “cultivate a rhythm of reflection” and your daily inspiration quote pictured above and a reel you are sent intertwine what you have in your heart to write about, you sit down and make it happen.

Well hello there, let’s catch up just a little. The last blog I left you guys with how we all stumble and slip in life and that we need to concentrate on being a little more surefooted like the deer, confident and competent in our choices. I told you about me dating and how Paxton was not too happy about it but knew he had no say in the matter. Fast forward to now.

In life any decision you make can probably involve your intuition or gut feeling if you truly listen to it. Sometimes we tend to fight that gut feeling… is it just insecurity? Is it our fear of the unknown? Are we not ready for the next step, so we get nervous? HMMMM… I don’t know. I think your gut is pretty spot on. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. When we want something to be right, want it to work, what do we do… keep trying. Sometimes it becomes forced and no longer enjoyable. If you have followed me since the beginning or know me well at all you know that I get intuition a lot. I knew on my first date with him, I would marry Steve, I even came home that night a called my childhood bestie Alana and told her. He married me 6 years later, but my gut said, “this is the guy.” In 2001 I got on an airplane that I fought my boss at the time about even going that day… the engine blew in the air, and we had to turn around. Your gut can push or pull you from things if you are in tune with it and know how to listen!

You all know I am not a quitter, and so 7 weeks into this new dating scenario, when my gut just told me this isn’t for you, I kept going, I was vested some, I liked the attention that I was receiving. He was a nice enough guy, we had fun times, chemistry… I could make this work… Paxton hadn’t met him; I hadn’t met his kids. We were enjoying getting to know each other and all the hype that surrounds that newness, until I just “knew” it wasn’t right. I spent the next 2 weeks trying to convince myself that I could make it work, there was potential there. Were the good things overriding the bad, or were there more things I was trying to explain or convince myself I could live with? I mean come on NO ONE is perfect, including me and I have tendencies and idiosyncrasies I could probably write a book about that you either love about me because it makes me me, or it drives you out of your mind crazy, this is probably the best time to run. LOL

I don’t think anyone starts out at the beginning of a relationship to hurt the other person or with a negative attitude to the detriment of the future of it. Over time, when you learn more about how the other person ticks, or what they withhold from you and how much they value your worth, when words of affirmation don’t match actions even if you think the intentions are genuine seeing it actually play out and not just talked about is a huge indicator of what the future could look like and that is when things and feelings begin to change. We all have a past, things we have done or are ashamed of, and it doesn’t always indicate our future but sometimes when it spills over, it can overwhelm those we bring in at a later date, who don’t know what we dealt with in our past or what we are already battling in our head, especially when avoiding it instead of putting it on the table so we are aware of what we are dealing with, can make the other person not really know how to respond to the other.

People change all the time, but do they really or do they change over time? We have learned through our life experiences how to act and react and be who we are. Can people transform and change for the better, yes, but it takes a lot of work, and you must be right with yourself before you can be right with another person. We all have baggage, but those of us who are confident in what we bring don’t often mesh with the person who just thinks they are ready. We all have demons from our past, but not everyone has come to terms with or dealt with them and that is when future problems can arise in relationships because even though the stuff you have experienced in your past may still hover over your new relationship, you don’t know how to control it to avoid mixing it in. Guard up or down some of us can’t hide what is truly beneath, some of us have great potential to be that ultimate match, but with some work. Remember I have said, we can’t control how other people act or react, or what they feel inside, but we can choose to brush it under the rug depending on the extent of the balance of their past with their present status and future intentions or we can choose to walk away until we are ready accept someone’s balance and integrate it into ours. But remember future intentions no matter how genuine can lead to empty promises, so be careful that what you are willing to put up with your future may or may not end up like promised, talking and doing are two different actions.

A harmonized, balanced person takes effort, when that person integrates someone who is still battling their past and hasn’t learned to balance it with their present can alter all the progress that person has already accomplished. Shocker, I am a fixer, I don’t like to see anyone struggle, I help when I can, I try to be patient, caring, kind and forgiving. I am encouraging but will also call you out on your bullshit. If I have learned anything in the last almost 2 years, is I am and will always be a giver, but I will not sacrifice who I am, my beliefs or wear myself down trying to help you get fixed. I will put 100% into someone who is trying to fix themselves, but I deserve more than bits and pieces of them while they are doing it. I owe it to myself to maintain my level of healing that I have already achieved and to continue to increase my happiness along the way. I don’t like to see someone struggle, my goal will always be to do as much as I can to help that person get ahead or feel loved or fix whatever is broken that is fixable.  I want to believe everyone is good and has potential. When helping someone no longer makes me happy getting them to happy, or they start to bring me down with them or pull me down while I am trying to push them up and it affects my current state or energy is when I know it is time to pull away and bring myself back to center. I know my worth and my value and when even though it can be appreciated it can also we taken advantage of and I vowed I would never allow that to happen because I respect myself and want to be not only a good example to the child I am raising to be a good adult, I also owe it to myself to stay happy, healthy and thriving.

My friend in Florida, a fellow widower, sent me a reel this morning of a lady who said sometimes people who come into your life who are fucked up and your job is not to save them, they were brought into your life to observe to provide a reflection so you can save yourself.-ladyspeech Let that register all you fixers out there like me who want to help and save everyone we can, I have a servants heart by design but I am confident using it should not be to my detriment and we aren’t meant to save everyone.

Previous traumas and things that don’t serve your current or future purpose should no longer take up space in your present- yours or anyone else's.  - danirae

 

This song came up yesterday in my suggestions for apple music- rather appropriate and timing is everything.

Nothing Left Halle Kearns Nothing Left Song

Someone somewhere probably needs me
Who would I be to let 'em down?
Ready to pick up whoever's calling
'Cause I'm too scared to think about
If I stop am I still worth loving, oh

So I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
You can take what you need from me
But I heard you wanted a forest
So I started planting the trees
Yeah, I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
'Til I'm running on empty
Yeah I'll give you everything I got
'Til there's nothing left of me

Soul's worn thin like the bottom of my old boots
Time for myself is a waste of time
But don't know when I added on all this pressure
To put their needs before mine
But I'm told this is why people love me
So if I stop am I still worth loving?

So I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
You can take what you need from me
Yeah, I heard you wanted a forest
So I started planting the trees
Yeah, I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
'Til I'm running on empty
Yeah, I'll give you everything I got
'Til there's nothing left of me

So I'll give, give, give
Give you strength 'til my body is weak
When your world is feeling too heavy
I'll put the weight on me
Yeah I'll give, and I'll give, and I'll give
Even though it's been killing me
Yeah I'll give you everything I got
'Til there's nothing left of me

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: David Asher Mescon / Kendall Grayson Brower / Halle Keams

Nothing Left lyrics © Speaker Full Of Seeker Music, Wyatt Road Publishing

Release, Rest, Receive, Repeat and Mountain Goats.

 

Last week in church the sermon centered around Habakkuk. I took some notes but all week I have went back to verse in 3:19 where it states, The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Surefooted… the definition in two parts is 1. unlikely to stumble or slip and 2. confident and competent.

I think in life we are all susceptible to stumbling, slipping, and sometimes lacking the confidence we need to be sure of ourselves and maybe we lack competence about certain things. This can be the result of past experiences as well as uncertainty or anxiety about our future. I would say this is completely normal. We can’t always anticipate most of what we will face or endure and that can be scary. There are always going to be hurdles and hiccups to overcome on our way to discovering our purpose and fulfilling that in the highest capacity that we can. Sometimes the journey can be made up of sheer cliff walls. The best example I can think of is going to Canyon Lake and seeing the rams on the sides of the cliffs ramming their heads together and jumping from rock to rock on the cliff walls. It probably wouldn’t cross your mind that they are thinking twice about their next move, they do it with agility and grace confident in their safety and land solidly planted on the next rock like nothing phased them. They can’t always see what is coming but they with sure feet make the move anyway. We can’t see the wind, but we can see the effects of it, and we believe that it is there.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we as humans had that faith consistently? Where we just took the leap, not worried about our future or what ramifications it could have. If we exercised the confidence of the deer or mountain goat that make these moves without hesitation. The Pastor reminded the congregation that we can’t always see what is coming, and sometimes it is sorrow, disappointments, and grief. But we can rejoice in the goodness surrounding us through it all.

A lot of you have heard me mention that I have dabbled in dating, I didn’t find a new soulmate in the first few guys I met after Steve and as much as I would like to say it has been extremely smooth, easy, wonderful, and positive, I would be lying! I have had some fun, frustrating and rather absurd experiences so far! So, unlike the surefooted animal who leaps without flinching there have been many uncertainties, questioning moments, and unbelievable moments, some I would even say funny! As the saying goes, sometimes what didn’t work out for you, worked out for you. A few of my close friends have told me I need to eventually write a book about it… you never know I just might. I am keeping track and writing things down, so stay tuned. It just might make the best-seller list! HAHA! 

Right now, I am happy and look forward to seeing where my life and experiences takes me with those who are part of it. I am asking God for his guidance, asking him to humble me, placing my faith in what I know my heart deserves, and choosing to enjoy the journey, the good, the bad, the waves, the pending uncertainties, anxieties, new experiences with pure intentions and authentic energy and see where it takes me.  Anticipating that everything my heart deserves will come to me when the timing is right. What is meant to be shouldn't be difficult, everything good takes effort, but should come naturally. 

At first, I was hiding the fact that I have taken up an interest in dating, but it is hard to continue lying about these things. Does he need to know details absolutely not, but I want him to have the idea in the back of his mind that he might meet someone someday, and it is better to get him used to that idea now then spring it upon him. Paxton’s stance on the situation: He acknowledges that I am dating, he isn’t extremely supportive or happy about it, but he knows he really can’t do much about it. I told him that I would not introduce him to someone unless I was certain they may stick around for the future so he didn’t get attached to someone, he told me even if the guy was the #1 roper in the world he wouldn’t want to be his friend and definitely wouldn’t get attached to him (to be honest, we are all human and can get attached without even realizing it, so I took the comment with a grain of salt.) Although I will most assure you that I would have Steve’s blessing, I don’t have Paxton’s right now and you know what that is ok. I am not replacing his dad, and in my heart, I know that, and I think he ultimately does too, no matter what is going on in his head. It is a step in the right direction, and I know that first and foremost he wants his mom to be happy, but he is still young and doesn’t quite understand my wants and needs. He lacks that surefooted faith. And maybe I do, a little bit too but my faith is stronger than my doubts.

We all face new adventures in life, we are all uncertain at times. We all make mistakes, stumble along the way, have faults and move forward. If you are doing so with the best intentions even if something goes awry you can be confident in your journey, surefooted in your step and appreciate the things that contribute to who you become. A lot of us live for an end goal, but what does that look like and who really knows when the end is? Shouldn’t we always learn, grow, and better ourselves? I think so! The only end goal worth focusing on is not of this world. So, sit back and enjoy the journey, embrace it, appreciate the steps, stumbles, and eye-openers but be surefooted in your decisions along the way. There should be no regrets, only learning experiences. Release the negative, Rest in between, Receive the blessings intended for you, and Repeat as necessary.

Sometimes you have to restart your plan. Begin again. All over again. As many times as it takes. So you can make it where you need to go. Failures happen. Mistakes are part of the journey. The goal is to not live a perfect life- the goal is to live a life of purpose. / topher kearby

Purging junk, Shedding tears and Clearing my head

 

Ugh! The clutter is just getting to me. I have never wanted to throw away just about everything and start over in my life. The amount of tools, equipment, junk, work stuff, phone stuff, fishing stuff, sports stuff, baby chicks, feed, baby chick bedding,  leftover baseboards, paint cans, boxes, wires, bikes, motor bikes, shelving with endless amounts of stuff on it, my mom’s stuff I kept after she died, collectables I just don’t want anymore, egg cartons, junk, junk and more junk, I am sure I am missing something in my garage is enough to make this OCD when it comes to clutter-free personality want to cry on a daily basis every time I walk through there to get to my car. Why do we accumulate so much or think we need to save it?! 

I actually considered using my front door to enter and exit from now on. There is just so much stuff and trying to tackle it all seems like such a headache, long process and a sure-fire disaster. Steve knew where everything was, I feel like it is just a huge cluster! But my head space is just filled with so much stuff right now, purging seems like the answer to clearing up some of the clutter up there and in the garage at the same time and releasing some of my anxieties, frustrations, and fears. Especially some of the stuff I have accumulated most recently taking up unnecessary space in my head that I just can’t seem to let go of no matter what thoughts I am thinking! If you know, you know!

At my grief share group last night one of the other participants and I had a brief conversation about this similar issue and the things that when his wife died, he just let go, accumulate or didn’t attend to, made me relate in more ways then I would like to admit. I have poor looking gardens, plants that need to be replaced, 2 trees that I just couldn’t save this winter, flower beds that need new dirt, a exterior that when you look at it for more than a second desperately needs a fresh coat of paint, this winters rains have created weeds, weeds and more weeds and I have sprayed and pulled and pulled some more and they just keep coming back! LOL!  Some days it just seems so overwhelming and then I remember how blessed I am to have what I have, love where I live, and enjoy what I can when I can.

Steve would be so irritated right now if he saw how everything looked, he took such pride in the things that he designed, the work that he did, and the things that he had and I just cringe when I think of how I have let some of it go, some of it I don’t even care about, and some of it I just wished that he was here to just fix, do, and take care of. Our grief share session was all about WHY! Why do we have to deal with some of the things we go through, emotions we face, and responsibilities that we didn’t ask for? I can only do so many things, I can only handle so many things and still feel sane. My biggest goal is to raise my son to be the best adult that he can be. Everything else is absolutely secondary to that. And sometimes I need to give myself grace, take a breath and allow myself to grieve. No one places a cap on grieving, no timelines are set in stone and relapses can happen, steps can be taken backwards, and days can be sad, and tears upon tears can be shed. One day you can feel amazing and the next not so much.

I came home from work today and decided today was the day to purge! Like everything that I don’t want needs to go… NOW! Did I mention I lack patience when I really want something?! I bought Paxton a weight set for Christmas from a fellow Realtor friend and it is still yet to be put together! Her significant other is coming to help put it together tomorrow morning and I needed space to put it!  Thank God for small blessings, I am not above trying to read directions, but manual labor and mechanical things are not my strong point! The air-conditioned garage seemed like quite a better choice than my back patio for placement! I feel like Paxton, and I can bond working out together a few days a week, and I will tell you the motivation would not be there on my back patio when it is 110-120 degrees, nor would I feel like it would look appealing out there. So hence the purging from 3 pm to 8:30-ish and no end in sight. 

Thanks to a supportive friend who helped me move a few things, swept out my garage, and listened to me cry! And it is nowhere near where it needs to be! So much more left to do. I seriously feel like I opened a can of worms that will not disappear any time soon. But I started  

I asked one of Steve’s buddies to come and help me sift through all his work stuff! I can’t even believe all the stuff he has! It isn’t doing me any good and it is not something Paxton is even interested in doing with his life or career!  I would rather sell what is still worth something now before it is outdated and just give it away or throw away the rest! Something about cleansing just seems so satisfying and makes me feel like I can move forward uncluttered, and feel at peace with where my life is and the direction it is heading. That is the goal right, to lesson my pain and move forward.

But at 9:50 PM I am feeling a little extra refreshed from just actually starting a project that I have been putting off for so long for fear of who knows what!!!!! Now at a future time I can tell you how this pans out for me and if purging will actually make me heal better! Time will tell!

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain 

You don’t have to do it all at once. Just get the process started. I think it is all about what timing is right for you! Don’t rush but don’t delay until you are so anxious you are miserable! Timing is everything!

Trust the timing of your life- it isn’t anyone else’s to live!

My friend told me last night sometimes your biggest accomplishment is just getting started …sometimes that scariest thing can give you the most relief if you just take that first step, the rest could just fall into place. You don’t have to know what lies ahead or where that staircase leads or how it looks when you’re done. But you might never know how good it could feel or turn out if you let the fear in your head take control.

What have you been putting off that you need to take that first step?

Leave Your Umbrella at Home and Dance in the Rain

I haven’t blogged about this yet but it has been heavy on my mind. Sometimes when you change stuff up too many times until you get it right,  you do get a little worried about what other people are thinking but ultimately you have to make decisions based on what works for you and your family’s needs. Some of you probably have no idea that I pulled Paxton out of school again the week his grandmother died in February. In this case, switching Paxton schools again to many outsiders probably looks like I am just giving into his demands or manipulative behaviors because he isn’t happy, or it isn’t working out how he wants or expects, and in some ways they are right it isnot working out how he wants or needs, but why should I have to mold him into something other than what he is by forcing him to stay in a situation that just isn’t working if I have alternatives that will serve him, his learning style and mood, attitude and disposition so much more appropriately!

 I will tell you in this journey I have learned more about the differences in how someone learns, how someone copes and how someone expresses their feelings more than I have in any other loss in my entire life. Those of you who follow me know how much loss that has been.  I am able to look back at my childhood and the losses that I experienced at such a young age and continued to experience well into adulthood and help me evaluate what I am experiencing now and with my child and how to proceed. Progress, healing, processing, and accepting come in all different forms at different times for everyone, differently. No one should have to fit the same mold, routine, discipline, or regiment if they can choose another in order to excel or continue moving forward.

The last session in my grief share group some topics were discussed addressing the journey of grief and what a new normal really looks like . A big one was other people trying to rush you through your grief because they believe in some sort of unspoken timeline, or their Aunt Gertrude was at a different stage by now… why aren’t you? It has been this long, shouldn’t you feel this way by now? or be moving forward?  No longer be angry?  Shouldn’t you be adjusted by now?  Our group discussed that people who haven’t been through your exact experience lack the insight on how to treat you or even relate to what you are going through and often times don’t even know how to act, sometimes they disappear, relationships change, and new ones form based on how you are changing and the stage in your process. Alert: Realize grief is different for everyone no matter what trauma you have experienced, don’t put expectations on yourself or other people.

Just like not everyone processes things the same, not everyone learns the same either. I was book smart, I made myself stay motivated. I worked hard and had self-discipline. I learned a lot of shit because I had to not because I wanted to or I needed it. My kid is self-disciplined too, but not in the things he is not interested in he doesn't see the value in it. I have a farm kid through and through. His hands on interests and the things his brain retains are beyond his years, he has a lot of his dad and a lot of me in him, some good, some bad, but it makes him who he is. Sometimes it is a struggle for balance and sometimes I just want to high five him for being so amazing, genuine, and kindhearted.  He is a different kind of smart and I am not just saying this because I am his mom. He is the kind of smart that will blow you away regarding the things he is truly interested in versus your typical average school student who is expected to know the same thing as the next, memorizing facts they will never use just to say they can, reciting poems or writing about topics that will never interest them, just because everyone else is doing it and it is required.  If someone doesn’t break outside of the way they are supposed to think or learn when do they learn about other things or truly excel?

 There are so many things in schools these kids should be taught and are not. There are so many things they will never need or use no matter how long society/school systems have taught them.  For me putting him in a 3 day a week private school with 15 other kids where he is in a small group and can hone in and concentrate better for the whole time, get things done with less distractions by misbehaving kids, chaos, and limitations on helping the individual student actually succeed which is what he found in his 35-45 minute classes with 30+ kids that 7 different teachers who have 7 different personalities throughout the day were giving him along with even more anxiety and a platform to lose focus. 

Is school a great place for social skills? It is, especially if you don’t have any or need to form them, but let's face it in 8th grade you have probably developed them by now. But I can be the first to tell you and will have a lot of back up, that my kid is versed in social skills better than a lot of kids his age who can be easily absorbed in their phones and video games. He can actually carry on a conversation with most adults like he is one and he is outside a lot and has friends to hang out with on a regular basis.  He has hobbies and interests and is outgoing. He actually went to the Rodeo this past weekend and got the most snap chat connections from girls he met versus the other boys they were hanging out with just for roping their heels! 8! LOL. I think he has come out of any shy shell he may have and is going to succeed in life just fine in the social aspect. 

He is confident in what he wants, and it shows. For example, he wants things that he can’t have because they are beyond his age group, like driving legally or wishing he already worked a full-time job versus going to school. To be honest he is a better driver than I am as much as I hate to admit it and he probably could do some type of job, he already raises pigs and steers to butcher for other people, his own little entrepreneur.  He already helps out our friend who butchers in his meat shop every couple weekends! But those things will come in time, and he will master them in the meantime, learning as he goes.

Paxton also gets disappointed in himself if he doesn’t get something right the first time, or it doesn’t work. He thinks he needs to know everything instead of understanding that it is ok to not be good at something and then learn it. Some might say perfectionism maybe, but we have time to work on that, no one is perfect or even close so we work on mastering strengths and improving weaknesses instead. You can only work on being a better version of YOU every day. I hate to see him get frustrated, but he usually ends up figuring it out or trying again until he does. Certain things he gives up on and certain things he pushes ahead. He is intense sometimes, I think you could label him as someone who feels and thinks too much, I think he got that from me. I wonder sometimes if it is a weakness, but I have come to accept that it makes me compassionate and that is just who I am. Also being passionate about things and having depth has gotten me to where I am today in my journey. This is my story, no one else’s and I am confident that by sharing it together with him we can overcome and accomplish many things. God has given us unique gifts to use for his glory. We need to look for opportunities where we can use what we have been given with the time and resources that we have.

Sometimes we think we are ready for something, and we want to hurry the results or rush the outcome ahead of where God has intended it to be. Sometimes we place false expectations because of where we think we should be based on societal demands. We might be willing to accept things that just aren’t for us or block other things from coming into our lives purposely or at the right time because we aren’t willing or able to let things happen naturally or in there own time. This can be anything from jobs, goals, dreams, relationships, trips, finances, possessions, and the list can go on and on. A lot of our future is also based on past disappointments. 

I know that we have all been programmed to plan ahead, prepare for down the road, schedule things out and forecast the future. Have you ever looked at the weather, sunny and bright when you left your home, to be completely surprised by a downpour midday and you forgot your umbrella?  You can view this as something that can totally ruin your day, or you can make the best of it and dance in the rain. To be completely honest, a meteorologist’s job is to forecast the future weather and probably is the only career I can think of off the top of my head, where they could be wrong 100% of the time and still get paid. So why do we put so much pressure on planning or predicting what our future holds instead of living the journey day by day and enjoying it along the way even the unexpected things that occur, they are not all tragic! I am testimony that no matter how much planning you do a lot of times it is going to turn out the way it is supposed to and be so far from what you planned. The crashing disappointment when something you didn’t plan for happens is far worse when all you ever look forward to is what you plan. Read that again. Stop and be grateful for your blessings every day, the ones that are already here, don’t wait for the ones in the future to be happy or grateful, be happy in the here and now, the future will come soon enough.

Live in the NOW as much as you possibly can, relax, don’t rush things, let them happen naturally, trust your journey, don’t compare it to someone else, and stop asking for directions from people who have never been where you are going, this is your story, create it. Enjoy the ride. Be comfortable with waiting a little longer for the things you deserve. Always remember that the future comes one day at a time. 

But did you die? Enjoy the journey!

 

“But did you die?”

Back in November I organized a girl’s trip to see my Country Artist crush, Eric Burgett- (Love it All Goodbye and some other great songs) -when I say crush yes, he is good looking, but his music speaks to me and the relationship he portrays on IG and FB with his wife and how much she means to him is so refreshing. These days so many people tend to take others for granted or lose out on romance in a relationship to focus on the hook up portion of it. I haven’t dated in a long time but from what I have seen a lot of my girlfriends go through the pursuit doesn’t seem to have as much effort as it once did and what I have dabbled in thus far in the last few months the effort is lacking. I think too many girls tend to settle for what they can get instead of waiting for what they are worth. I get sometimes as women we lack patience and just want everything to fall into place but focusing more on the journey than the outcome can seriously put us in a better place to receive what we deserve.

Our trip came together and what originally started as asking 4 other girls, one who didn’t go because she had been out of town the previous weekend, another that had something come up at the last minute and she canceled and one girl who happened to be in town and went instead turned out to be an epic trip. The 4 of us drove to Vegas on a Thursday night and rented an Air b n b. All 5 of these girls are my friends and I have a different bond and relationship with all of them. But this specific group of 4 of us seemed to form a bond together that could never be replaced or interrupted. Sometimes you can get a group of girls together who all know each other but through 1 mutual friend and not everyone gets along, understands or is fulfilled by the group as a whole. This particular group just fit.

For those of you who know me well enough, or have ever been in a car with me, you know that I can get you there safely, barely, “but did you die?” So that was the motto of our 1^st trip, along with a bunch of other coin phrases that I will not bore you with because you simply weren’t there and it wouldn’t be as funny. This particular phrase has applied to a lot of different situations that the 4 of us have been through, talked about, experienced and lived over the last 3 months since our 1^st trip. Sometimes serious, sometimes funny, and most definitely eye opening in some cases as we each ride our own roller coaster of life toward the path of our future, separate, but with the support of one another. No judging, no lecturing, a lot of crying, laughing, and most importantly fun.  

We just got back from our 2^nd Epic Trip to Fort Worth Texas last week. Again another fun-filled trip complete with a Historic Haunted Brothel Hotel experience where we were able to get away from our everyday lives, aware of but partially removed from our responsibilities back home, able to let loose, have fun and maybe do a stupid thing or two… like someone losing their phone the very first night and guess what Jinn isn’t the best driver either so there is that…” but did you die?”  Haha! Refreshing that I wasn’t the only one who is easily distracted while driving. We cried again, laughed, and most importantly had fun! We renewed each other’s spirits, had some eye-opening experiences, and came back ready to tackle whatever it is that we need to work on the most. Just being around other girls who may be going through similar feelings but different situations, in such close quarters, with absolutely no judgement, is enough to help you continue with your own journey, battles and triumphs alike when you return home.

During our visit we happened to be at a little outdoor bar live music venue and a lady the table over from us was wearing a hat that said, “but did you die.”  Of course we had to go up and strike up a conversation, she had ordered it online and we swapped stories. As we headed to the airport on Monday we stopped at a little Indie town for some shopping and drinks. The minute we walked in the store the first tee shirt I saw said “But did you die.” It was a basic boring black with just white letters so I asked the owner if he had hats. They did, the ones that you can remove the Velcro patch and have any saying you wanted. They happened to be out of that patch when I noticed a hoodie that had the same saying on it. If you know me well I could probably own as many hoodies as I do cowboy boots. I love hoodies. So we each bought one because well, why not it seals the pack.

Fast forward to Tuesday when I woke up and put said hoodie on for the day, it was chilly in Florence, I just got back from a 4-day trip where I was renewed but exhausted and just wanted to be comfortable. As I sifted through all the things I had to do that day I realized I had my grief share group that night that I facilitate at one of the local churches and I literally just laughed out loud. I thought to myself, can you imagine what in the world those people would be thinking if I showed up in that hoodie to our group. Some of those people are so new into their grief that the appropriateness may have been lacking for them to think it was as funny as I did, especially since they don’t know the context or the backstory of it. So, I changed.

You could take that saying in a lot of different contexts just by your tone of voice, and someone who just reads it could interpret it in a lot of different ways.  Funny how sometimes what we intend something to sound like when we express it someone could totally take another way. This is why again I stress communication is so important, texts and emails can be totally taken out of context, tone is absent, and without an explanation it could be a disaster.   I then began to think to myself, Dani, you just lost your husband a year and a half ago, and that saying never once crossed my mind to be anything other than what our girls trip made it to be… a funny saying that we can get through all of life’s struggles, twists, turns and sometimes barely hanging on, but we are still here, living our life, hopefully to the fullest. Each day is a blessing. It made me truly reflect on the saying in my own situation. “But did you die? “I did not, just yet. So, I need to embrace every moment, learn from my mistakes, be a better person than I was the day before and truly enjoy and embrace my journey. I am still here for a reason and not everyone has been given that chance to live longer so I feel it is my duty still being here, to bring light to those around me, share my experiences to give hope to others to keep going, laugh at life and accept that we are all going to die someday, so if we have the opportunity to say… “but did you die”  we must still have something important to do here, take charge of your life and make it count.

 

7 rules of life

1.       Let it go- never ruin a good day by thinking about a bad yesterday.

2.       Ignore them- don’t listen to other people. Live a life that is empowering to you.

3.       Give it time- time heals everything if you embrace it.

4.       Don’t compare- the only person you should try to beat is who you were yesterday.

5.       Stay calm- it is okay not to have everything figured out. In time you will get there.

6.       It’s on you- only you are in charge of your own happiness.

7.       Smile- life is short, enjoy it while you have it.

Honest Truth, Tik-Tok, and My Heart on My Sleeve

  

So, a friend of mine last week said something that truly hit me. I didn’t really get the response I anticipated from someone after pouring my heart out about how something made me feel during the week that my mother-in-law died. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and just numb. So, I used that as an excuse for expressing the feelings that I did. I am an in-depth person and I love to communicate how something makes me truly feel. I don’t know that as humans we can ever really connect with anyone in any type of relationship without the honest truth. Unfortunately, a lot of people tell you what they think you want to hear instead of how they truly feel. And sometimes true feelings that are raw and not sugar coated can extinguish a relationship, between lovers, friends, and even family. Not everyone listens to understand, and not everyone expresses their true feelings.  

 

I have a few go-to people who I can run things by for criticism or validation to be a better version of myself, usually before I hit send or post, but sometimes not until after, which in all honesty editing things is sometimes important, however the more you edit and fine tune the less raw and perhaps less effective your message is.  

Transparency can be the key to more successful communication. Unfortunately everyone doesn't view it that way.  In this instance I had already hit send. I later sent it to my proofreader and then I immediately came up with all the things I should have left out of my message or not said because maybe the trauma of my week made me a little too vulnerable and transparent. I felt like maybe I made a temporary lapse in judgement that maybe not everything is meant to be said… but maybe it needs to be, so why am I second guessing myself???  

 

She said to me: Never apologize for being you, ever. Never fault yourself for putting your whole heart into it.  

 

I see so many people trying to change themselves to impress someone new or keep someone that they have from leaving. I have lost so many people in my life to death, it doesn’t surprise me that my biggest fear is losing people... I however never want to lose my genuine self in the process of trying to keep someone, not everyone is meant to be kept. 

I’m not saying that changing is a bad thing we are all constantly changing, and sometimes we must change to better ourselves and be effective to those around us, but when you have to hide who you are or change how you act or talk in order to feel valued, loved or respected is when it can mess you up. Who wants to start out as someone they are not just to gain someone or something and fall back into old habits (their true self) and become who they are comfortable being just to be rejected later or live their life as a lie going forward forcing themselves to adapt to their circumstances, but never truly be happy, full of joy or feel free.  

Sometimes this can cross the line of being your true self versus being fake. Our goal should be to be happy, full of joy and enjoy our journey. I struggled with writing this because you can take this in a few different ways and contexts and I didn’t know how deep I wanted to go with it, but I will try to be as simple as I possibly can in explaining.  

 

Not sure how much of a social media buff that you are but if you’ve ever come across Facebook or IG Reels or Tik-Tok‘s they can be full of advice on how you should or should not think, behave or act to get the result you are looking for.  Sometimes you can get sucked in by the loose advice of some of these influencers, who have either,  in my opinion, experienced some traumatic event that has driven them to profess it and find their outlet or own healing. In that way it’s no different than my writing because I write from what I know and my experiences and share in case someone else can relate. But I do it for me above anyone else. If I help someone that is a bonus.  

All who are passionate about a subject or just really wants to educate people in order not to get hurt or destroyed by something that hurt or destroyed them, give someone pointers on how to heal based on their experience, or just be relatable, so often people can become victim to I am the only one going through this mentality. And no matter what when you click on something, the social media gods know or think that you’re interested in that topic, and you get a lot more of it whether you want it or not. You can literally scroll for hours.  

 

Unlike my late husband, I am good with about five hours of solid sleep and so I have some extra time on my hands at night and sometimes these things can suck you in whether it’s something relatable or not I often find it entertaining to find out what other people focus on or give advice about. They have their opinion and I have mine. I am more of an observer than one to comment or participate.   

 

And I don’t care what their advice is about, how to put on your make up, relationship advice, how act or not act if you are looking for love, biblical references and preachers, showcasing new upcoming vocal artists, or how to cook something the best way, there are so many different versions of pasta I think you could try a new one every night for years. LOL! Everyone has their own opinion of how that should look and your mind can get filled up by all the differences in what someone’s experience has given them in order to tell you how to deal with, cope with, fix or improve something.  

 

If you can imagine,  some of those videos can be exhausting just watching them trying to decipher what is going to stand out in your  mind to help you with whatever situation you are in or what you are trying to improve. You will decode and take their impressions from these videos and do what you want. But caution, take it all in with a grain of salt, not every social media influencer is speaking to YOU no matter how many times they say if you come upon their video it isn’t by chance. Keep scrolling, you don’t need to change something that isn’t broken for you, the last thing you want to do is make a good situation worse by changing what is working.  

 

But in my heart, unless it is something that is for the better and comfortable for you to do don’t completely change who you are to impress someone or gain someone in your life or false idea that in doing so you’ll somehow find happiness or more fulfillment! Just like make up and diet advice, there are so many different choices and plans and one size does not fit all. 

 

Changing or apologizing for who you are for the better is one thing. Changing or apologizing for who you are because of someone else’s expectations or demands should not be acceptable unless it makes you feel good about what you are doing and the right decision for you.   

Ask Yourself: 

Who is my real authentic self? 

Is this change benefiting me or someone else? Or both? 

If it is benefiting someone else, will it make me happy or miserable? 

 

Don't get me wrong I naturally love to serve others and love to see others happy and thriving but I have had to learn I can no longer do it at the expense of my own happiness. Don’t live the rest of your life, prioritizing everyone’s happiness over your own don’t live for someone else’s happiness-  if being your authentic self pushes someone away, they weren’t meant to stay. Your power lies in letting go and moving forward.

Spilled Coffee, Door Dash and a Purpose

 

I really cannot comprehend how one single cup of coffee could make such a mess. Sitting at my computer yesterday morning, trying to get some work done and Paxton’s cute innocent(lol) puppy comes running through the doggie door and right up to me and somehow the next thing I know the cup of coffee is all over my huge table, covering the bench, splashed on every chair and the legs of the table as well as inside the pocket of my handmade leather tote bag sitting on the bench. The way the scene looked you would have thought the whole pot spilled. There went the stellar start to my day- the first day I felt semi-normal in the past 5! I was praying that just didn’t set the stage for what I was going to encounter for the rest of the day, I have had enough disappointing days in the past week. I had to remind myself it was just spilled coffee... nothing worth ruining my day over. 

Rewind to Saturday, I was laying in bed when my phone rang, 7 AM on the dot, my sister-in-law never calls that early in the morning, I knew before answering… she spoke with tears in her voice. Her mom, my mother-in-law, had passed. She had been struggling health-wise since Steve passed away and had been in the hospital for almost 4 weeks, not seeming to rally from whatever was causing her to decline, maybe a broken heart.

This past week has been sad, chaotic, challenging, overwhelming to say the least. A boy of 13 who has lost his great grandma, dad, 2 great uncles and 2 grandmas – 4 of the 6 in the last year and a half. That is really a lot for any young person to take in.

He has struggled with anxieties, school, and everything else I have mentioned over the last year and a half of these blog posts. Overcoming these obstacles is a must, but a challenge and at his young age even though everyone tells us he is so much more mature than his actual age, even his counselor, he is still a kid, and processing just the loss of his dad statistically could take 3-5 years, and I have said there is no real timeline, everyone handles things in their own time, so all of this in a short period of time can really take a toll on a person, especially a young one. Do I feel like he can handle and overcome this, do I feel like he is destined for good things to come, hands down I do. God has a purpose for him, and I am excited to watch him on his journey. He may not be going the conventional route, but I truly believe he is destined to do great things. Do I wished everyday that I could fix it all for him? That I could make it all go away and make his life less hard? You bet I do. Do I fully believe he needs to experience the things that he is in order to prepare him for his purpose, if I thought anything less than this I would not be giving God, the Universe or him enough credit. I don’t know that I believe in chance.

This week has been hard. We have had a few different disappointments and stress factors on top of her death to deal with, Monday we may have taken a day to do absolutely nothing but cry, stay in our P.J.’s all day watching Netflix and for the first time in my life we ordered Door Dash with my $100 gift card someone got us when Steve passed away. I just couldn’t function. I didn’t want to think, feel, or interact with anyone other than Paxton that day, I just wanted to be. I felt like a complete hot mess, and you know what… I was ok with it… It is ok to fall apart occasionally if you know with the utmost confidence that you are not going to stay there and you can bounce back to your natural positive self, make peace with your experiences and continue to move forward. 

This week I started up a grief-share program at one of the community churches in the area. I made a post about this on Facebook to get the word out to others that there is a group program available for those who have experienced a loss to take part in and perhaps help them heal along the way. Everyone’s journey is different but knowing that others may be able share similar thoughts and feelings, no one wants to feel alone in their process, however, I think people often do.  I was approached and knew in my heart that God is calling me to do something other than what I am doing now to help others through their struggles. In writing I have been able to help myself heal and move forward and maybe a few people here and there along the way. What I experience and what I write is sometimes rawer than others, but I always try to make it appeal to a larger audience for a higher purpose. No one should ever feel they are alone in the thoughts in their head, no one should feel like there is a only one right way to do things, no one should feel abandoned in being able to talk about what they are experiencing from emotions to thoughts, feelings and doubts. Neither we nor our circumstances are ever perfect.

I know my journey and writing from my heart comes from grief due to loss from death. I have had several people who have reached out to thank me for something that resonates with them who are grieving the loss due to a divorce. This is where I know that God is using me for a bigger picture, one that involves helping those who need to hear what I have to say and can apply it to their life or situation. I don’t believe there are limits or restrictions on my audience if I am doing what I am doing with pure and honest intentions.

My initial grief share group in my opinion was successful, I had 6 participants, people shared what they wanted, everyone was able to relate to someone else there, lift each other up, encourage and resonate with fears, doubts, and emotions that other participants were experiencing, there is potentially always going to be someone who has some of the same thoughts, feelings, anxieties and frustrations as you do… you are never alone.  Week 1 of 13 down and I already have take-aways that I can use myself going forward. If I was asked to be a participant and not a leader, or if I was asked 6 months ago to lead a group at this capacity, I don’t think it would have resonated with me… always remember trust the timing of your life.

I see you on the days you move mountains. I see you on the days you don’t get out of bed. Whichever day it is today, you are beautiful, strong, and brave. I just wanted you to know. Stephanie Bennett-Henry

We can rejoice, too. When we run into problems and trials. For we know that they help us develop endurance. Romans 5:3

 

 

 

balance verses harmony

 

Alright, here we go again with my research. When I compare something, it makes more sense when I can see what the difference is, so it makes it worth looking it up.  I wanted to know the differences between balance and harmony. I mean I know what I thought the difference was but what does the dictionary say?

What’s the definition for balance?

noun. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

What is the best definition of harmony?

noun, plural har·mo·nies. agreement; accord; harmonious relations. a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity. Music. any simultaneous combination of tones.

 

A Facebook friend of mine posted something last week and it spoke to me as being very profound that I and others could incorporate in our lives to maybe think outside of our box and the way that we are conditioned to believe things are supposed to be, something more purposeful to strive for, harmony.

I don’t know how many of you are like me and have been told all our lives to prepare for the future, plan ahead, and make sure to balance our lives. Balance health, religion, home life, relationships, work, exercise, hobbies and all the other things going on simultaneously.

This is one thing I have struggled with, especially over the past year and a half, is trying to balance everything in our new life. Grieving, living, health, sadness, happiness, work, school, accomplishments, activities, relationships both maintaining and building new ones and all the other things that are still going on in our daily lives even though we are grieving, everything around us didn’t stop and we shouldn’t either. But balancing it all and not falling apart or failing miserably at times, making mistakes, and learning new things at the same time, finding what makes us happy, and still serving others, being kind and loving to one another is a true juggling act. I have been stressing how I want to be able to balance things out for our lives to run more smoothly and for us to find an acceptance going forward to make our lives enjoyable and particularly less exhausting emotionally with all the ups and downs.

I had the pleasure of hearing Sherry Williams speak at a bruncheon last Spring thanks to Suzy Levenda who puts on the best Women of Strength conferences you could possibly imagine, she has the biggest heart and loves to see others grow and heal through their positive encounters. Sherry was an amazing speaker and her story was inspiring. She stresses how the effects of any life experience can be your excuse… or your power. She makes it her power. If you are interested in finding out more you can visit her site at wisdomsgateway.com.

Her post that resonated with me said this.

Balance is not the goal Harmony is. A scale in balance is stagnant. A vibrant life flows and shifts. – Sherry

Read that again.

I had to read it several times. It hit me the first time, but I needed to make sure what I thought I read would stick. My first thought was my cabin, my mom, prior to her passing away, when she bought our cabin in Pinetop that we Airbnb, she named it Harmony Cabin. I never really asked why. It seemed appropriate. A place where we could escape and be in harmony, with nature, with our loved ones, and with ourselves.

When I think of balance I think of an old fashioned scale, a weight on each side that levels out each other. I never thought of it as stagnant, but her quote made me look at the word from a different perspective. Stagnant is boring. I don’t think we are called to live boring lives. I absolutely love music and harmony makes me think of all the songs I listen to and love that make me feel alive or words that vibrate with my mood or experiences. I have listened to more music and songs and their meanings over the course of the past year than I have ever particularly paid attention to how a song’s lyrics made me feel and how beautiful their harmonies can be.  Harmonies do flow and shift and so do our lives. Our lives are not meant to stay the same consistency all the time.

Her words made me reflect deeper on how I want to be able to find a groove that works for Paxton and I over a balance, we don’t always put the same weight on all the things in our life, nor do we put the same weight on things that others do. That is the beauty of it we have the freedom to choose the things we find the most important and how we prioritize what it is we do. We all have different purposes and finding harmony in all the things we do seems like it should be the ultimate goal. Just like the songs we like to listen to, certain notes and lyrics, as well as songs with multiple artists singing together have more weight over others and it is finding that perfect harmony to make it all come together that we should be striving for our lives to find the perfect flow that works for us.

If you have been striving to find balance in your life, maybe take a step back and consider harmony instead and see where that takes you.