I grew up with parents who struggled, who argued, who loved, one who wore emotions on their sleeve and another who harbored them inside . A mother who yelled (I see this trait in
myself and I struggle often with trying to not be the yeller- and it seems to haunt me every time) ( A father who
would shut down- escape to the T.V. or “go for a drive” to cool off when they argued). I remember the good and tough times. I say
though times, because bad times to me reflects something that you are trying to
get out of, something that you no longer want. Tough times to me mean that you
are trying to resolve a situation or find a better way, but you are not wanting
to quit, give up or leave.
As I got a little older my parents became part of a group
called Marriage Encounter where they gave weekends for married couples, not
only to enrich marriages but to decrease the gap in communication sometimes
married couples experience as well as increase the amount and quality of communication
they displayed with one another. They would dialogue a lot through written communication by basic questions they answered
to each other in notebooks they kept to themselves. They would write, read the
other persons and then discuss what they were feeling about the other one’s answers
together, it helped them process their thoughts verses lashing out at the other
person verbally and they always had the understanding that no matter what they
read, the other person’s feelings were neither right nor wrong. Years later
when my mom died, I shredded 2 entire boxes of notebooks that she had kept
after my died passed away. For a hot second I wanted to read some of those dialogues
to understand my parents better, to maybe improved my own communication with my
husband- but I decided that communication alone was something totally intimate
and totally unique to their relationship and I chose not to. The biggest thing
I learned in the years that they were a part of this group, as they improved
communication in our home, with one another and the way they looked at outside
situations, the way they treated me as well as what I learned when they
prepared for their presentations- even though at my young age I was not
involved in most of what they discussed in preparation (some of it was too
personal and some of it things a 8-13 year old kid doesn’t need to know about
their parent’s intimacy) was that feelings are neither right nor wrong! We cannot
control someone else’s feelings or mindset! We can control how we act or react.
We can control what we do and say, but not how it makes someone else feel. No
matter how good of intentions we have when we present our self to someone else,
there is always a chance that they will not receive it the way we intended.
Even after what I learned as a child, now that I am married
with a family, my first instinct is to want to be protective of my husband and
son when someone else hurts their feelings, I want to not only make them feel
better, take away any hurt or try to get them to understand and look at things
from someone else’s view. I cannot however control, change or expect them to
feel another way then they do.
Life is hard you guys! Sometimes we don't always cope the way we expect or want to or play out in our head. With some recent
complications that our family has experienced, I want more , than anything to make things
turn out differently, I want to be a protective “MAMA BEAR” I am a fixer, I am
a peace maker, I want everyone to see eye to eye- forgive and forget and move
on- but I have to remember that we are all unique individuals with our own
thoughts, feelings, emotions, understandings, skills, talents and differences. With
that said if we all thought, acted, felt, celebrated, lived, grieved, loved and
approached our circumstances the same, we may as well be robots living a very mundane
and boring life. I need to remember that sometimes just stepping back and
letting things unfold as they are suppose to is the best decision I can make on
behalf of my family dynamic no matter how much it pains me to want to protect
and control the situation and fix the issues.
The very thing that sometimes tears people, friends, and relationships
apart is the very thing that we need to celebrate… being unique individuals
that all contribute in some way to this circle of life. The universe revolves
because we all bring something different to it. We cannot always control our
situation or our circumstances, we don’t always know why things have to work
out the way they do, we cannot rewind; go back; erase and start over… we can
only go forward, celebrate who we are as individuals, be respectful of those
who we have a difference of opinion with whether we continue with that
relationship getting past our differences, or we must eliminate those relationships
that we cannot repair due to not understanding where someone else is coming
from, our huge egos of wanting to believe what we are thinking is right and
someone else’s thoughts are not.
We think and feel based on every notch that has happened on
our timeline called life, everything we have experienced affects the way we
act, feel and respond- whether in a good way or a bad way. And since we haven’t
all experienced the same notches on our timeline, we cannot expect that
everyone will do everything the same!
Through all the things I have been through in my life, I have
to remember every day that this is a new chance to be a good person, to try to
help others in every way that I can, to give life 100% to count my blessings and
to be me. No matter how hard I want to fix something or someone, I can only
change myself, my thoughts, my beliefs, my actions, reactions and ideals. We
are each only responsible for our self… we can choose to be a good example or
not, we can love unconditionally or not, we can embrace life, or we can crawl
inside our heads with worry, negative thoughts or self-talk that can ruin our
lives, our relationships or our accomplishments. As a human race we are flawed,
we all experience pain, set-backs, hurt and struggles. It is when we allow
those things to take over instead of letting go and bouncing back or learning
to cope and adjust to other people’s reactions, decisions, ideas and
personalities that we continue to make the world revolve in harmony with one
another.
Remember you can choose how you live your life, but not how someone
else lives theirs or responds to yours. Don’t force the world to conform to
your ideals, embrace a world that exists based on everyone’s differences. We
are all contributing parts of the whole.
Excerpts
from 1
Corinthians 12 Now concerning[a] spiritual
gifts,[b] brothers,[c] I do not want
you to be uninformed…12 For just as the body is one and
has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with
Christ… 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of
hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? 18 But as it
is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he
chose. 19 If all
were a single member, where would the body be? 20 As it is,
there are many parts,[e] yet one body. 27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members
of it. 28 And God
has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third
teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating,
and various kinds of tongues. 29 Are all
apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all
possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But earnestly
desire the higher gifts.
