So, I am sure my parenting skills have much to be desired.
However, I feel like I base them off a trial-and-error sort of reasoning and
that works for me. Just like the grieving process where I say that everybody
has a different time frame or timeline, I feel like in parenting, there are
different levels and aspects of children being able to understand messages,
learn lessons and receive discipline in various ways. Everyone has their own
comfortability levels of what that looks like, how they are receptive to it,
and how they respond in a way you are expecting the best results from them.
Some days I want to completely break down and cry and am so
looking forward to going to sleep and waking up the next morning fresh and
starting over. Overwhelmed, exhausted, and defeated to say the least. And some days I’m ready to high five myself
for doing a great job and getting through to my son with the message which I am
trying to send and receive the reaction I am hoping for.
It’s a constant battle and a constant balance, trying to figure
out what’s appropriate, what will work, and receiving the results that I want.
Results in his attitude, results in his performance, and results in the
relationship that is growing between the two of us. And by results I am
referring to positive steps in the right direction moving forward.
Don’t get me wrong, he is still struggling in school, and I
haven’t found a common ground to get him to be more motivated to do well at
this time. We are working on it. He is going to have to spend part of his
winter break doing what is called credit recovery to get totally caught up and
start fresh at the second semester. We are also going to have him evaluated for
dyslexia to see if that is what is causing a lot of his issues and hindering
him from wanting to put in the necessary effort instead of giving up on
himself. He isn’t dumb by any means, in fact some of the things he says are far
beyond his years. I just think when he struggles, he loses interest so much
faster especially on the classes he isn’t so passionate about… who am I
kidding, less passionate about sounds so over the top! I mean the classes he
hates, or he thinks are a complete waste of his time!
I was super excited a few weeks ago when he came to me to help him
with his English assignment. The students had to pick one of several topics to
debate in class the pros and cons of with another student. He had chosen the
pros and cons to iPhones, and he even had me research the cons so that I could
refute his pros as if he were practicing being up there in class. This is completely right up his
alley because I feel like he debates with me daily, and he never wants to be
wrong and will rebut and push me until I just give up or agree with him. In all
reality as a parent when your child debates/argues with you, it can seem
overwhelmingly annoying.
But it’s probably a good life skill to have for whatever future
purpose. This very well could be one of his strengths. I just seriously hope this
makes him a lot of money someday, he truly is a great negotiator naturally, and
I am not the only person to say that.
As our lives progress forward, this skill that he seems to have
passion about could probably take him great places and helping him develop it
in a positive way is what I need to focus more on. Building upon our strengths
is definitely good for our development.
My life is not perfect nor is anyone else’s, and sometimes I feel
like God could give me a little grace as far as having an easier time raising
this teenage boy however, the struggles that we face will make us both stronger
people as well as be an example to those who need to figure out how to get
through their own struggles.
This year I bought all new lights for the outside of our house.
Last year a few strands went out and I couldn’t find anything that matched
exactly. This year I decided that I wanted them all to match. So, Paxton
decided instead of icicle lights he wanted the big fat old-fashioned colored
ones. Of course, the lengths didn’t match the previous lights and the set up
with hooks and where the plugs connected the lights in between, so we
improvised. I had ½ up and it rained for 3 days. I was really procrastinating
finishing them because it just wasn’t working out like I hoped, and I should
have checked into the permanent ones or hired someone sooner to hang them up
for me professionally, especially since I hate heights with a passion. I am
also not sure why Steve never put receptacles in my eaves to make it a lot
easier either. I feel well prepared for a lot and then so little at the same
time. So, when Paxton finished putting up the Christmas lights for us on the
exterior of the house when I was at an appointment and even though before
putting them up, I made sure they all worked, but when we plugged them in, and
they all worked for a split second they immediately went out and normally I
would have cried. But immediately I switched to “how to fix this mode.” So,
checking breakers and plugs and still nothing I had to walk away. I was told
maybe a fuse, I replaced it 4 times and each time it blew. My stubborn Polack-self
wants to just figure it out, but my tired mind and the amount of effort was telling
me to just let it go this year.
I have more Christmas decorations than I would like to admit and
many containers both in my attic and my shed. This year, since we would be out
of town for Christmas, I decided I wouldn’t put up so much stuff, you know, scale
it back just a little. Being that it rained for 3 days and I didn’t have
anywhere to put all of my containers out of the attic, I looked through the
boxes and just took down what I wanted, so when we went to put up the tree and
the tree stand was not in the tree box, I had to go through every container in
the attic and shed again and when no stand was found, for my peace of mind and
to not become even more depressed, saddened, or disheartened for the things
that just didn’t seem to be on my side this season (which I confess this year
seems a lot harder on me holiday wise so far than last), I looked at Paxton at 9:30 at night and said
want to go to Walmart with me? He tagged along and we picked out a brand-new
tree. To be completely honest I like it better than my other tree, and it is
beautifully decorated and lit, inside my less than normally decorated house, I
have big and pretty unlit lights hanging outside of my house that may never
work and you know what, that is OK. I am content with my new tree, and we are
going build our Christmas happiness and gratefulness right around that.
Christmas is not about the shiny flashy lights but the one who brought us
light. Reflect on that.
I ran into someone at a party a few weeks ago who reminded me that
based on the way we talk to ourselves and how we can slightly change the way we
look at things we can manifest anything positive we are willing to accept by
just altering the way we vibrate out to the world. I have known this for a long
time and have practiced it in the past but sometimes that gentle nudge is the
step we need to move more confidently forward in the right direction for our
needs. A lot of good things have happened in my life over the past few weeks
and placing those things above all the negative things will certainly help. As
humans we all have flaws, our lives are not going to run smoothly most of the
time, things don’t always go according
to plan, but our attitude can reflect on the things we are grateful for, the things we enjoy,
the opportunities we are given to grow and learn, the moments we share with
the people we love and the people whose lives we have the pleasure of
experiencing. If we focus on what we
want as if it has already happened, more of the things you want to happen will
follow.
As we have made it to Christmas Eve, I will tell you that I have
been sitting on this blog for a few weeks now trying to decide if I wanted to
publish it or not. I have read, re-read, rearranged, added, and deleted. I am
not sure that I have done that previously over the past year plus I have been
blogging our journey let alone in the last 13 years since I started blogging. But
felt compelled to post today.
We will never have the same Christmas that we had in the past and
year number two has not in my opinion been easier. I don’t know why I thought
it would be. I think there are things that
we have processed over the last year that may even have made this season a tad
bit harder. We left on Sunday for Indiana to spend with my family for Christmas,
something Paxton has never experienced and something that I haven’t done in 14 years.
I expected a white Christmas because I
envisioned one, but not the blizzard or cold that we are having. It has been
years since I have driven in ice and slush cautious of black ice and had
negative temps with the wind chill
(-35) but I will tell you that am glad we came. We went for a walk
in the woods this morning and mine and my cousin’s eyelashes even froze! LOL.
Part of the experience for sure.
So far, family, friends, and a white Christmas have been the
ticket for our soul and we have 6 days to go. We may never experience the
tradition that we have been used to, but everything changes and that is okay. We
are all capable of adjusting with the right people surrounding us and the right
attitudes. We will never fully heal; I don’t believe that is a such thing, just
like a broken bone will never quite heal the same, or a burn or cut will leave
a scar, no matter how small, a broken heart will always have a gap that will
not be filled in ever again, but the spaces around it can be filled in with new
things that may never have been available to us without the experience of the
loss. But we don’t have to fully heal to do great things or experience new
things, or new people and enjoy them and be happy.
As I have said numerous times, we are still here, and we need to live
our lives the best that we can and serve our purpose as we figure out what that
is, because we still have a lot of life and love to give.
No matter how old you are reading this, if you haven’t experienced
death in close capacity, consider yourself fortunate, but know you will, it is
inevitable. None of us are immune to it. We may just experience it at different
times, stages, and ages, but it will happen. There is no preparation for it and
there are no rules on how to deal with or process it. Remember that every day
is a gift, and the Giver doesn’t allow us to know when to be ready, on purpose,
so live every day as if you already are. Hug your loved ones today, call
someone who needs to hear your voice, send a text, forgive, take the risk, be
grateful, love and allow yourself to be loved, there is only one of you, be confident
in who you are and what you have to offer others that no one else can.
MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours.
