hearing for granted

Over the past few years my husband's grandmother, who is now 96 has been slowly losing her hearing. True for the past almost 15 years I have known her she has worn hearing aids however, they did help her be able to hear and carry on a conversation with us a lot more so than recently.
I had the pleasure of picking her up from my sister-in-laws last weekend and brought her out to see the lights in the neighborhood and our tree and decorations. We tried talking in the car a little but it was extremely hard.
Paxton got extremely frustrated from the back seat trying to "tell her something" He kept saying I want to tell Grammy something. I had to keep reminding him that she can't hear, and at 3 years old I don't think he gets it. He can hear, I am sure he wonders why everyone can't hear.
I had a babysitter growing up who had 2 other sisters and one of them was deaf, she occasionally watched me, she could talk with a muted tone and could hear to an extent but not really, and I always thought how hard that would be, but I guess that is what sign language is for, even when you see little kids that can't hear and it amazes me how awesome it is that they can communicate. But elderly and brittle hands is probably not the best time to pick up such forms of communication.
Paper and letters will have to be how we remain patient and calm trying to tell stories and explain things to her about what is going on in our lives. When I was working full time away from home for awhile there I would write her a letter and mail it to her of the things we had done over the past week. My sister-in-law suggested this to my husband and we thought it was a great idea. When my husband asked me the other night if I was still doing this and I have to admit I was not. We try to get over to see her with Paxton once a week, but true the communication when there is still tough, so the letters will now continue. I can't imagine how lonely it is to not share in the conversations around you, especially since you once could.
I left Paxton at home when I took her home that night and in the car she asked me questions but when I responded she couldn't really hear me and it was too dark to drive and look over at her so she could see my lips. She tries to answer based on what she thinks you have said to her. I nodded a lot.
On my way home by myself listening to Christmas Music I had time to really reflect on this.  A simple thing like Christmas music that I take for granted I will be able to hear every year, became a blessing to me. A woman for over 90 years was able to communicate and understand without things having to be written down for her until recently. I decided that was my cue to be reminded that things can be taken from you  in the blink of an eye or gradually and you will have to adapt, and may never have something that important to you again. Sometimes my kid whines, sometimes he talks a lot, sometimes he won't be quiet, and I get rather irritated wondering why he just can't be quiet,  but truly if I had my hearing taken from me I would be wishing I could hear those sounds again.

As Guilty as I charge myself

Yesterday I allowed myself to feel at peace with something I forgot to do. I am one of those women who feels like they have to be superwomen at so many things. I want think and act like I can handle it all and sometimes it just kicks me in the butt. I get so upset and disappointed in myself when I don't or forget to do something that was important to someone else. For any of you who know me, I am into a lot of things. I do a lot for my family members I work hard and try to be everywhere for everyone. I think that I put more harsh and unrealistic expectations on myself more than others place reliance on me. Maybe sometimes I blame their reliance on me as a reason why I am so stressed. I need to keep reminding myself every day along with everything else I remind myself of, that I can only do so much. I need to stop putting extreme expectations on myself.
I recently had a bunch of blood work done wanting to blame my testiness, hormonal imbalance, moods, weight gain  and such on something that was wrong with me. I am happy and glad to say that nothing came back wrong with my blood work, I am just a little crazy in the head! HA! I am sure some of you can relate.
This has brought me to the conclusion that I just need to take the time for me. To breath, to exercise, to stick to something consistent that will probably help the rest of my needs become met, to collect my thoughts before stepping out there and trying to tackle the world for others. This in turn may make me better at tackling the world for others. Will I continue to put the needs of others first, probably, but I also need to learn that if I am going to do that, I need to proceed with caution, I need to under promise and over deliver. I need not to place unrealistic expectations on myself and I need to laugh off the silly mistakes, that will not be remembered.
Yesterday I got Paxton ready for school, grabbed his gift for exchange and his backpack, drink and gift for teacher, got to the school and read on the board, pj day! Wow Dani, nice one. Paxton was the only kid without pj's on. I felt extremely terrible, like all the other mom's looked at me like I was a failure- did they, probably not, but I allowed myself to think that for a short while, because I felt like one. I felt like I was suppose to make sure I looked at the school calendar and remembered such an important thing, but allowed myself to get busy or wrapped up with other things that I did not. Lesson learned put Paxton's school calendar on my calendar!
I asked my little man, bless his heart, if he wanted me to go home and bring back his pj's? He replied, "no mom, that is okay" and went off to play with the other kids. I went to the car feeling guilty still but with the amount of errands I needed to run, glad I didn't have to make the 8 mile trek home and back again. I conversed with a friend over email who reminded me that tooth fairies sometimes even forget to leave money. Not only did it make me smile it made me remember that we are only human, as mom's we are going to try to make everything perfect for our kids and family, and it is only us that allows our self to feel that guilt whether someone else places the blame or not.
When I picked him up he didn't want to come home he was having so much fun at the Christmas party and breathed a sigh of relief knowing that this is only the beginning and probably not the first time I will forget something. I am glad I have such a loving little boy and I hope to raise him to be an amazing adult.

Christmas Crunch Time

Aw according to my son's Snoopy Christmas Countdown Clock there are 4 days, 17 hours 2 minutes and 31, 30, 29 seconds left until Christmas Day! For the first time in years I feel ready. I am not stressed, I am not rushed, I paced myself. I am happy, and whatever I haven't gotten to, I am just going to enjoy these days that I have to be Merry and Bright.

After the recent events of last week I am truly grateful to have a family and a child that I can wrap my arms around tight, that I can spend time with. I need to make the time count. I need to savor the NOW because it can so easily be taken from me and I can never get it back. There is no rewind button.  I could have all the possessions in the world and they wouldn't replace my family being close to me in the flesh able to touch and appreciate.
The presents are bought and wrapped, the cookies are made for the neighbor's gifts. Preschool exchange gift is wrapped along with the teacher's gift. I am going to run a few errands today to take some things back, I have one last trip to the grocery for the items I need for cookie baking day, for Christmas Eve and Day dinners, I have perogie filling made, just need to make the perogies. I have my annual cookie baking day with my nieces planned for Saturday! I can't wait it is so much fun. This year we will throw Paxton in the mix and I will remember to remain calm that they are only kids having fun and a little wasted flour, sprinkles, sugar and mess are nothing compared to spending time with them enjoying making memories.
 My hubby decided to try his hand at tamale making this year so Sunday we are having a tamale making party. (honestly I am not a tamale fan, but they should be fun to make). I wanted this Christmas to be meaningful, to teach my son the true meaning. Together we purchased a special Santa key that we fixed up and added a little saying for Santa and his reindeer to get into our door, (thanking him for coming to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ), since we don't have a fireplace for him to get down. We bought and have read our daily bible sayings (and of course my son ate the chocolates) from the advent calendar. We decorated together, talked about the manager story and Paxton has decided that Christmas morning Jesus' birthday cake will be white with  mini red and green M&M's . We can celebrate Christmas morning and sing Happy Birthday to HIM.  Paxton has had fun watching his elf hunt, fish, ride on dinosaurs, eat Nutella and get it on his nose, grow candy canes in the backyard and hang from the lights. This is the first year he wasn't afraid of Santa Claus, climbed right up on his lap and told him what he wanted, ( a truck/trailer and boat- from Bass Pro and a skateboard)  It has really been a fun filled season full of new and interesting things now that he is the age where things make more sense to him. I really have enjoyed it and can't wait to make these memories traditions year after year.
This year we gave to the church food drive, donated a few of my books to the Cardon's Children's Hospital and thanks to a dear friend the Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City, UT, as well as donated to the United Way in lieu of Scentsy's original plan to donate a Scentsy Buddy for each child  to the Sandy Hook School Children, due to gifts not being accepted. This is truly the season for giving and I want my son to learn that is is in giving that we receive.

“O Divine Master, grant that I may not seek to be consoled, as to console. To be understood, as to understand. To be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.” ~St. Francis of Assisi

How Do I Pray For The Families Of Sandy Hook?

I know that usually I am the writer on this lovely blog of mine, however I received this great and powerful blog post today from Lysa TerKeurst of Proverbs 31 ministries, and I wanted to share with every one. For more visit Lysa's page at http://www.proverbs31.org/



There are things mommies aren’t ever supposed to find.

They aren’t supposed to find themselves in a firehouse frantically looking for their child. They aren’t supposed to find their child’s name on a list of those who won’t be coming home. They aren’t supposed to find a dress to wear to their child’s funeral.

They aren’t supposed to turn their calendar and find a date circled for the birthday party they were supposed to be planning next month. The one that won’t be.

Or walk to the mailbox and find their child’s dentist appointment reminder card. The receptionist forgot to pull that one out.

Or find a book they know their child would love. Only half way to the check out counter they remember, they’re gone.

They aren’t supposed to find these things.

They aren’t supposed to find that grieving for a child is like navigating a path with chasms so wide their continued steps seem impossible. Terrifying. Hopeless.

I know these chasms. I watched my mom stare at them. I saw her wish she could fall in them and never have to take another painful step. I wept over everything she found reminding her my sister was gone.

That’s how I know what God would have me pray right now. For the families of the loved ones that lost so much last Friday. But especially for the mommies.

The mommies that even right now are finding things no mommy should have to find.

I want my prayers to slip into those chasms and somehow fill them. I am asking God to show me. Make me aware of the specific things those mommies might find in the months to come. When the black dresses are hanging in the closets. The media has packed up and gone home. The cards stop coming. The neighbors are back to normal.

And in the quietness of her own grief that mommy finds something. Something that breaks her heart all over again. And in that space of pure grief, she feels horrifically alone.

Please Lord, let my prayers go there. Prick my heart to fill that chasm with layers of prayers from my mommy heart. Let me take the deep grief of that moment so she doesn’t have to be so alone.

Though she won’t see me or hear my prayers, may she feel an unexplainable sense of Your presence. And know. You.

That’s what I pray she does find. You. With her. Comfort. Peace. Healing. Hope.

Oh God, show us how to pray.

“Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off,” Proverbs 24:14.

Related posts:

1. Pray for Me?
2. I don’t want to raise a good child
3. The most powerful way to pray for our kids

plan, purpose, passion

This week is a new week. I am going to work on my schedule that I made for myself during the week from my mastermind group at the office and concentrate on finishing each task as I am doing it. My biggest struggle while multi-tasking or having the ability to work from home, I tend to jump from one project to another without finishing the first, I allow interruptions, because somehow in my mind I feel like if I take care of it on the spot, it won't have to go on a list for later and people will appreciate me being on top of it.  I think this is hurting rather than helping me fit as many things into a day that I can, because I never fully finish what I am doing to jump to the next thing and I have to go back to it anyway. So I am going to take each task and do it unless an emergency arises.
I often listen to other agents/lenders voicemails that return calls within 24 hours or certain times of the day and thought to myself, how do they get any business this way. Most of my clients want service the minute they call/text or email. I put myself in their shoes, I want what I want when I want it or I get anxious sometimes. But maybe this isn't the best way to give service if I am not fully committed to what is at hand because I have several projects going on in my head or on my desk.

  So for those of you that are used to me answering on the first ring, texting back right away or emailing you the minute a question arises, my purpose this week is to help each person fully, finish each job/task/project at one time if possible and to see if I can't get just a little more done on my list that I intended and thought I could. I am going to work toward allowing myself more peace knowing that I cannot control every thing that comes my way, the issue/problem/question will probably still be there in 30 minutes when I am done with whatever I am working on. That I can do my best, but give my efforts to making the most of my time. With a plan, with a purpose and with passion.