Finding Peace

Everyone comments how well I am handling my mom's death. That I am strong, focused and stable. Well, sometimes I feel out of control, reckless and abandoned. Sometimes I feel helpless, weak and mad. Sometimes I just want her to come back and tell me I am doing ok, I am doing it right, or even "girl, you messed up... what were you thinking?" LOL! Anything to hear her voice, see her smile, hug her so my world will be right again. But is my world wrong? This is true selfishness, I am certain. Why? Because as a human still here on earth I often forget that her ultimate healing came when she went to Heaven... it is not in my control when her time for this gift from God was meant to be. Grief is such a true process. At 14 when I lost my dad, it was a whole different type of grief is either one harder or less sad... probably not, just different. I don't know if you could ever experience the same thing as someone else, not even the same as myself for a previous encounter with one's death. It is all about who you are, where you are and how you react to the situations you have. I have two friends right now who are experiencing the ugliness of CANCER with their husbands. I can't begin to imagine what this is like. I can only compare it to the experience I remember when my mom lost my dad at the young age of 45. Robbed of that quality time that they so deserved, met late in life and the years spent just not enough. We pray for healing right? How many times have we read bible stories of people being healed or brought back to life? Why isn't this our loved one, why can they not be the "miracle" spoken of? It is not for us to decide. It is not for us to try and figure out. It is only for us to know that we still being here on earth have a purpose. We are meant to be strong, to keep going and to serve our purpose and use the gifts God has given us to touch the lives of others. It is so easy to be selfish, to crawl in that "hole" and just fall apart. I sent an article to a friend for encouragement and she responded that I was amazing... am I really? This is how I get through my grief, sure I can get upset, mad, angry, frustrated and depressed, I can cry, throw temper tantrums and feel despair, but ultimately, what gets me through each day is that I am here on earth to serve others. I truly believe that those who help others help themselves. How do I find that inner peace? How do I keep going every day even when I am knocked down... people ask me and I often ask myself. Last week after working long hours and many days for some clients, I had the unfortunate encounter that although we had found a house that worked for them, the amount of repairs needed to the amount the seller was willing to do didn't leave them with any desire to make the purchase happen. After showing homes to them again, they met me in person and confided in me that they had found a FSBO- for sale by owner- that would not work with a Realtor. They were devastated. They understood how much time and energy that I put into helping them find that right home... I was disappointed that I wasn't able to find what they had been looking for. They were unsure of my reaction. They didn't know what I would do, say or how I would feel. The genuine concern for my well being and reaction lead me to tears. (not necessarily professional, but genuine, nonetheless.) I was so appreciative of the fact that they recognized what I invested in them. I offered to help them with the FSBO even though I knew I would not be compensated. Why? Because my purpose in life is not to make a bunch of money to spend on things that I cannot take with me to Heaven where my Ultimate Reward will be waiting, my purpose is to journey through this life to prepare for that reward. Long story short the FSBO did not work out in their favor and I regained them once again as clients. What would have happened if I stormed off, if I bad mouthed them, if I got upset, if I chose to cut off all communication and be unhelpful, ungrateful or angry? I need to always be thinking of how my actions or reactions can benefit my future. I think I would have life referrals from them no matter whether they bought from me, or purchased the FSBO... because I chose to handle the situation the way that I did- I chose to celebrate their happiness and put my needs/wants aside. I wam agreeing that I cannot control what home is right for them and I have no reason to stand in the way of another person's happiness. I don't believe in burning bridges. I was asked by several people if I was upset, if I had them sign a buyer broker employment agreement that if they found a house without me they would owe me a commission anyway. I will tell you in 14 years, I have never once used this form. I understand I am not a charity organization and my time is valuable, but I was brought to that situation for a reason. I know that if I do my job to truly help someone and I don't force anyone to do anything against their will, even if I work really hard for them and invest my own time and money into them.... it will come back to me in someway and somehow. I love the career I have chosen, I love that my mom taught me a lot of what I know and how to treat people. I love that I am somehow, someway rewarded for my selflessness. Live by what you believe so fully that your life blossoms, or else purge the fear-and-guilt producing beliefs from your life... Live your belief, or let that belief go. - Roger John John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (NIV)

To fix or not to fix?

Went up to the cabin for a little vacation now that school is out. We had a great enjoyable time, Steve and Norm helped build a planter out front and we planted some flowers to give the cabin a little extra. :) During the week we had some ups and downs. It is a part of my mom that I hope to hold onto for my forever, and be able to pass it along to Paxton some day. While up there, as kids will be kids, Paxton left his bike parked near the front of Steve's big F250. When Steve went to leave to run to the hardware store, he did not notice the small little bike and next thing you know... well, you know! Let's just say it wasn't the best day at the cabin for the Miller household. This was the last gift Paxton received from my mom for Christmas....She insisted she wanted to buy him a bike- me not knowing she would pass away a few weeks later. It bent the back rim and was no longer in riding condition for our little eager bike rider. Sometimes as parents we struggle between right, wrong, disciple and principle. What do we do? How do we react? What is the best way to resolve the issue, still teach a lesson but salvage what is sentimental? After all, kids do not come with an instruction manual. Each child being the unique individual they are, handle these situations in different ways, how do you pinpoint your child's needs? Life can be super short, I have learned that from an early age, loosing my 10 year old best friend to cancer when I was 11, my dad when I turned 14 and my mom this past January, with others in between. Can you still teach a lesson, instill fear, and repair the item that was damaged? That is a good question, and it may be years before we find out.. or never.. Apparently 18" rims for little boy's bikes are the rarest find. 16" and 20" all day long. We were quoted about $100 to get a new one and have it fixed. $80 just for the rim if Steve wanted to fix it himself. The bike cost less the $100 to start with. Do you punish the kid and make him go without a bike? He is 5, this is not the first mistake he is going to make, his bike is a huge part of what he loves to do outdoors. Do you fix it because it is sentimental and his grandmother gave it to him... (he will grow out of it eventually and not sure he is going to keep it around for sentimental value). Do you buy a new one that is one of the more popular sizes (and cheaper) but then it is like rewarding him with a new bike, for his carelessness... (but cheaper for mom and dad's wallet). Does he realize where he went wrong, is he remorseful, does he even understand? Awe, to remember being 5 again... highlights yes, feelings I do not remember at that age. Of all people, the biggest disciplinarian in his life, his dad, probably came out with the softest heart... He was able to order the part from the bike manufacturer, for cheaper than we were quoted anywhere else... it is on it's way- and hopefully it will fix it enough that Paxton can enjoy hundreds of more hours of ride time with it. Was fixing it the right thing to do? We may never know. I will tell you however, we will probably never find his bike or any future bike will be run over from his carelessness again. .