That’s Debatable With a Side of Christmas

 

 

So, I am sure my parenting skills have much to be desired. However, I feel like I base them off a trial-and-error sort of reasoning and that works for me. Just like the grieving process where I say that everybody has a different time frame or timeline, I feel like in parenting, there are different levels and aspects of children being able to understand messages, learn lessons and receive discipline in various ways. Everyone has their own comfortability levels of what that looks like, how they are receptive to it, and how they respond in a way you are expecting the best results from them. 

 

Some days I want to completely break down and cry and am so looking forward to going to sleep and waking up the next morning fresh and starting over. Overwhelmed, exhausted, and defeated to say the least.  And some days I’m ready to high five myself for doing a great job and getting through to my son with the message which I am trying to send and receive the reaction I am hoping for.

 

It’s a constant battle and a constant balance, trying to figure out what’s appropriate, what will work, and receiving the results that I want. Results in his attitude, results in his performance, and results in the relationship that is growing between the two of us.  And by results I am referring to positive steps in the right direction moving forward.

 

Don’t get me wrong, he is still struggling in school, and I haven’t found a common ground to get him to be more motivated to do well at this time. We are working on it. He is going to have to spend part of his winter break doing what is called credit recovery to get totally caught up and start fresh at the second semester. We are also going to have him evaluated for dyslexia to see if that is what is causing a lot of his issues and hindering him from wanting to put in the necessary effort instead of giving up on himself. He isn’t dumb by any means, in fact some of the things he says are far beyond his years. I just think when he struggles, he loses interest so much faster especially on the classes he isn’t so passionate about… who am I kidding, less passionate about sounds so over the top! I mean the classes he hates, or he thinks are a complete waste of his time!

 

I was super excited a few weeks ago when he came to me to help him with his English assignment. The students had to pick one of several topics to debate in class the pros and cons of with another student. He had chosen the pros and cons to iPhones, and he even had me research the cons so that I could refute his pros as if he were practicing being up there in class.  This is completely right up his alley because I feel like he debates with me daily, and he never wants to be wrong and will rebut and push me until I just give up or agree with him. In all reality as a parent when your child debates/argues with you, it can seem overwhelmingly annoying. 

But it’s probably a good life skill to have for whatever future purpose. This very well could be one of his strengths.  I just seriously hope this makes him a lot of money someday, he truly is a great negotiator naturally, and I am not the only person to say that.

 

As our lives progress forward, this skill that he seems to have passion about could probably take him great places and helping him develop it in a positive way is what I need to focus more on. Building upon our strengths is definitely good for our development.

 

My life is not perfect nor is anyone else’s, and sometimes I feel like God could give me a little grace as far as having an easier time raising this teenage boy however, the struggles that we face will make us both stronger people as well as be an example to those who need to figure out how to get through their own struggles.  

 

This year I bought all new lights for the outside of our house. Last year a few strands went out and I couldn’t find anything that matched exactly. This year I decided that I wanted them all to match. So, Paxton decided instead of icicle lights he wanted the big fat old-fashioned colored ones. Of course, the lengths didn’t match the previous lights and the set up with hooks and where the plugs connected the lights in between, so we improvised. I had ½ up and it rained for 3 days. I was really procrastinating finishing them because it just wasn’t working out like I hoped, and I should have checked into the permanent ones or hired someone sooner to hang them up for me professionally, especially since I hate heights with a passion. I am also not sure why Steve never put receptacles in my eaves to make it a lot easier either. I feel well prepared for a lot and then so little at the same time. So, when Paxton finished putting up the Christmas lights for us on the exterior of the house when I was at an appointment and even though before putting them up, I made sure they all worked, but when we plugged them in, and they all worked for a split second they immediately went out and normally I would have cried. But immediately I switched to “how to fix this mode.” So, checking breakers and plugs and still nothing I had to walk away. I was told maybe a fuse, I replaced it 4 times and each time it blew. My stubborn Polack-self wants to just figure it out, but my tired mind and the amount of effort was telling me to just let it go this year.

 

I have more Christmas decorations than I would like to admit and many containers both in my attic and my shed. This year, since we would be out of town for Christmas, I decided I wouldn’t put up so much stuff, you know, scale it back just a little. Being that it rained for 3 days and I didn’t have anywhere to put all of my containers out of the attic, I looked through the boxes and just took down what I wanted, so when we went to put up the tree and the tree stand was not in the tree box, I had to go through every container in the attic and shed again and when no stand was found, for my peace of mind and to not become even more depressed, saddened, or disheartened for the things that just didn’t seem to be on my side this season (which I confess this year seems a lot harder on me holiday wise so far than last),  I looked at Paxton at 9:30 at night and said want to go to Walmart with me? He tagged along and we picked out a brand-new tree. To be completely honest I like it better than my other tree, and it is beautifully decorated and lit, inside my less than normally decorated house, I have big and pretty unlit lights hanging outside of my house that may never work and you know what, that is OK. I am content with my new tree, and we are going build our Christmas happiness and gratefulness right around that. Christmas is not about the shiny flashy lights but the one who brought us light. Reflect on that.

 

I ran into someone at a party a few weeks ago who reminded me that based on the way we talk to ourselves and how we can slightly change the way we look at things we can manifest anything positive we are willing to accept by just altering the way we vibrate out to the world. I have known this for a long time and have practiced it in the past but sometimes that gentle nudge is the step we need to move more confidently forward in the right direction for our needs. A lot of good things have happened in my life over the past few weeks and placing those things above all the negative things will certainly help. As humans we all have flaws, our lives are not going to run smoothly most of the time,  things don’t always go according to plan, but our attitude can reflect on  the things we are grateful for, the things we enjoy, the opportunities we are given to grow and learn, the moments we share with the people we love and the people whose lives we have the pleasure of experiencing.  If we focus on what we want as if it has already happened, more of the things you want to happen will follow.

 

As we have made it to Christmas Eve, I will tell you that I have been sitting on this blog for a few weeks now trying to decide if I wanted to publish it or not. I have read, re-read, rearranged, added, and deleted. I am not sure that I have done that previously over the past year plus I have been blogging our journey let alone in the last 13 years since I started blogging. But felt compelled to post today.

 

We will never have the same Christmas that we had in the past and year number two has not in my opinion been easier. I don’t know why I thought it would be.  I think there are things that we have processed over the last year that may even have made this season a tad bit harder. We left on Sunday for Indiana to spend with my family for Christmas, something Paxton has never experienced and something that I haven’t done in 14 years.  I expected a white Christmas because I envisioned one, but not the blizzard or cold that we are having. It has been years since I have driven in ice and slush cautious of black ice and had negative temps with the wind chill

(-35) but I will tell you that am glad we came. We went for a walk in the woods this morning and mine and my cousin’s eyelashes even froze! LOL. Part of the experience for sure.

 

So far, family, friends, and a white Christmas have been the ticket for our soul and we have 6 days to go. We may never experience the tradition that we have been used to, but everything changes and that is okay. We are all capable of adjusting with the right people surrounding us and the right attitudes. We will never fully heal; I don’t believe that is a such thing, just like a broken bone will never quite heal the same, or a burn or cut will leave a scar, no matter how small, a broken heart will always have a gap that will not be filled in ever again, but the spaces around it can be filled in with new things that may never have been available to us without the experience of the loss. But we don’t have to fully heal to do great things or experience new things, or new people and enjoy them and be happy.

As I have said numerous times, we are still here, and we need to live our lives the best that we can and serve our purpose as we figure out what that is, because we still have a lot of life and love to give.

 

No matter how old you are reading this, if you haven’t experienced death in close capacity, consider yourself fortunate, but know you will, it is inevitable. None of us are immune to it. We may just experience it at different times, stages, and ages, but it will happen. There is no preparation for it and there are no rules on how to deal with or process it. Remember that every day is a gift, and the Giver doesn’t allow us to know when to be ready, on purpose, so live every day as if you already are. Hug your loved ones today, call someone who needs to hear your voice, send a text, forgive, take the risk, be grateful, love and allow yourself to be loved, there is only one of you, be confident in who you are and what you have to offer others that no one else can.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS from my family to yours.

Diamonds, Sapphires, Fights and Happiness

 

I promised you in my last blog I would get back to Wednesday last week and the emotional aspect of why I felt Thursday hit harder than I expected. I have been working since August with a jeweler to turn my wedding ring into a necklace, many design choices but only one that stood out to me. An infinity/heart with all the stones and the white gold melted down from my original ring and shaped into something new. Something I could wear close to my heart that would be a symbol of our love, but not in its original form on my finger reminding me every day that he is gone, and I am partnerless. I asked Paxton if he wanted it for a future person, he stated he thought his future wife would need something unique for her. I totally respected that as this ring his dad picked out was definitely unique to me with its design and story. When he asked me to marry him, I was in love with this ring from the very beginning. A princess cut center stone, 12 smaller diamonds and 5 sapphires wrapped in white gold. When I asked what the sapphires signified, his simple answer was that he wanted something different than just diamonds, that all those rings seemed boring and I was not boring, so I deserved a unique ring. I loved his explanation and cherish it still. When Paxton was due in October of 2009 but graced us with his presence in September 5 years after we got married, how fitting that September’s birth stone is a sapphire. Then in 2021 when Steve died in September, it made it even more special to me.  I knew I would always want to be able to wear it whenever I wanted to, just no longer on my finger. Even though Paxton considers me still married and doesn't understand why I wouldn't still wear it. And so, after months of decisions, designing, drawing, wax models, and final approvals, I picked up the necklace the night before Thanksgiving.

 It was so beautiful, beyond my imagination, the drawing or the wax model that I just couldn’t help but cry on the way home. Impressed and happy with the way it turned out but not grateful for the why. It just hit me on the ride home that I didn’t really want the necklace, I wanted Steve back and that that would never be possible, and this is now my life for real. A mix of loneliness, the fear of single parenting, taking care of a ranch, a house, property, vehicles, finances, single handedly having to make decisions by myself, asking for help, hiring stuff out, figuring out things on my own, the newness, the sting, the balance, I could go on and on. I try not to but can’t help but worry if my decisions will be right or wrong and maintaining my composure, staying a good mother, friend, and family member all at the same time. Not losing my sense of self-worth or my gratitude for what I do have. For trying to still be good at my career, not becoming bitter or sad all the time and losing business and also supporting Paxton and I the best I know how.

I may not make all the right decisions and I may have had a lot of trial and error over the past 16 months since Steve got sick and our lives changed forever, but I know that having Paxton’s best interest in mind is always on my mind. And I know sometimes I will make some stupid choices or say stupid things that I cannot erase, I can only learn from and grow forward into the next chapter of our lives. What that looks like I really have no idea, it is one day at a time and a journey that I must embrace.

What is my vulnerability level? How much is too much to share? Is it all relevant. Well, I will admit that I am not perfect, I don’t profess to be, and I have a lot to learn about how to handle the grieving process with a kid in tow. I lost my dad when I was 14, Paxton was just a few weeks shy of 12. I was a girl; he is a boy. I saw my father’s death through my child eyes… I was only responsible for myself and the grief I was going through. I worried about my mom, but I didn’t have to be responsible for her. Fast forward 28 years and I became my mom. Now just over a year later, I feel like I have a better understanding of what she went through grieving herself and helping me navigate through mine. To be honest, it can be exhausting and hard to balance at times.  The loss of my mom almost 8 years ago did affect Paxton, but at 5 years old I think helping him through that was a lot less stressful and easier to accept at his age then. I am now responsible for not only my own grief and how I am handling things, but for guiding him through his grief and the fact that our timelines, reactions, and ways of dealing with loss are very different makes it more difficult. I can just imagine my mom went through some of the emotional turmoil that I experience as well, navigating, balancing, and trying to stay grounded at the same time. This is when a girl could really use her mama….

Some days are more difficult than others. We fight, he is ridiculously rude and talks back, he has issues of a teenage boy combined with the loss of his dad, somedays he really is dealing with the loss of his dad and somedays I think he pushes the limits to see how far he can go with a tad bit of manipulation. Do I think that he really views it that way, I am not sure, but if he blames his behaviors on the loss of his dad, he is in tune with my reactions to that verses him just being an ornery teenager and my reactions to that and might push a little further for the reaction that he wants, not the one he deserves. I am an empathetic softie, and he knows it. I am learning to try to read when he is sincere and when he is playing victim… I think I am getting better at it.

We had an awful day on Monday. If he read my blogs, I am sure he would hate me in his own teenage way, but I really feel that what we are going through can be beneficial to others and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I was telling a friend a few days ago that I wished that I could have written a blog about my relationship with Steve. I think I could have been relatable to a lot of people on how to keep a relationship going through all the twists, turns, curves, drama, setbacks, financial issues, fights and balancing them with the triumphs, good times, celebrations, good memories, intimacy, and strength in love. He was such a private person I would never have been able to do so. I am in no way trying to embarrass Paxton, but I am more confident in what I write now, because my purpose is stronger than my protection, so I hope he can appreciate my writing later if he ever does choose to read it.

Back to Monday, did I mention he is failing 4 classes? He made a pack with his counselor that he would figure out how to get back on track. He would make a game plan and hash it out. He literally lost his cool on Monday with me when he broke down and admitted he hadn’t, he was behind in almost every one of his classes, from not turning stuff in. He was overwhelmed, he hated school, he couldn’t concentrate, he is having a hard time navigating the grieving process. He is mad at me at times for going out and having fun with my friends and what that might look like in the future. He was very vocal about a post I made on social media that he saw before I took it down, it was harmless, but it didn't read well. And I felt I had to overexplain myself even though there was nothing needing to be explained, but I didn't like the feeling. Like I said I am going to make mistakes and learn from them, even if it is what not to do in the future. LOL!  

 I get it, moving forward is hard, scary, and uncertain, but we are still here as the message in my blogs seem to say, and being happy isn’t a bad thing, enjoying life isn’t a bad thing. Moving forward while still hanging onto the amazing memories and love we have in our hearts is key and knowing that it is ok to enjoy the journey without guilt. There will be sad times and setbacks. I know it will take him awhile to understand this concept at his age, but I hope that he appreciates the things he has, the sacrifices I make and the positive outlook I portray to try to set a good example and want him to adopt when he is in his 20’s… Like I have said plenty of times, it is not about him being the best kid ever, but about growing into the best adult he can.

Special thanks to my friend Dixie for capturing the before and after. 

http://dixielandrumphotography.com/

Special thanks to Tracy Janule for the lovely necklace design  

http://www.tracybydesign.com/?fbclid=IwAR0gwnAPg6xDDQ1Evlt_gePQKRxfD9xZvDpkOjXL3239e94a8HpRfBQFgLQ

Thanksgiving, Rodeos, Cancer, and New Ice Skates

 

So, Thanksgiving # 2 without Steve, why oh why did I think it could go without a hitch…I mean, the "firsts" are all out of the way... not so much. I don’t honestly know which one was worse, last year when I cried uncontrollably before everyone got here, and teared up while they were here, or this year, where I was on my period, already crabby and irritable, frustrated with stuff that just didn’t seem like it went right. I finally said screw whatever expectations I had that didn’t go according to my plan and drank way more than I probably should have, no judging… I didn’t have to go anywhere. Everyone came to me, and it was actually a pretty ok day as it turned out. I had an interestingly emotional day on Wednesday which probably more led up to my Thursday case of the blues, but that is for the next blog.

Most of you know I loathe shopping and especially Black Friday! I stay home, take down fall decorations and put up Christmas just about every year! I left the shopping to Steve and Paxton… well except for that one year when we still lived in our old house pre-Paxton that Steve begged me to stand in line at Home Depot because they had some crazy sale on T.V.’s, yes T.V.’s weird I know, but he wanted to golf so I obliged. Fast forward to Paxton, the two of them would go fishing in his earlier years or in the past several years made it a tradition to leave at 3:00 AM and go stand in line at Bass Pro shops for their sales then eat at Cracker Barrel. No thank you... have fun was my motto! 

Last year nothing was said, but this Thanksgiving night Paxton and I were watching a movie, he had asked his aunt Tracy to take him to Bass Pro, but she has a tradition with her girls and a niece that she must uphold. So of course, he prefaced by saying he didn’t even know why he was asking because he was sure I would say no, but would I take him? Of course, I said what do you need probably in a less than chipper voice especially since we were just there earlier in the week! Which he immediately got defensive and teared up some. I said what is wrong? It wasn’t that he needed anything really, he just wanted to go, because he missed that tradition he had with his dad. I wanted him to know that I would go for him, but that he needed to know it would not be the same. He agreed and so we went… Let’s start by saying I didn’t get out of bed when my alarm went off at 3:00 more like 3:15 and I tried waking Paxton up about 4 times, he was so mad we were leaving "late" we finally left at 4ish and pulled into Bass Pro Shops at 5AM on the dot- on the way there a boy full of tears, upset that we were going to be late, plus I think he was overly tired saw the line and looked defeated- I am not sure why, but I just let him be angry and crabby. I usually want to teach a lesson or make him think positively. To our surprise we were #361 and #362 into Bass Pro, we only had to wait in the freezing cold, it was about 38 degrees and I had on a sweatshirt and jeans, for about 5 minutes and when we got inside the store it is so huge it didn’t even feel like that many people were there. We picked up a few good deals (did you really think we would walk away empty handed?) and I offered Cracker Barrel, but he just wanted to go home. I am hoping this doesn't become my responsibility in future years....but I guess if so I only have 3 more before he can drive himself... lol. Did I tell you how much I hate shopping???? 

The weekend turned out to be decent. I have continued my new rollerblading routine, I love to work out outside and it is a huge stress reducer as well. I have always loved roller blading, but just as I have confessed before, I am not really good at routines, except of course brushing my teeth, but I am determined to stay active and in good health as much as I can control. The ice-skates I ordered came and I cannot wait to go skating next weekend, this weekend at Schnepf Farms was opening weekend, however we were already jam packed, hanging out at 3 different Rodeo’s, 1 girlfriend’s night including some dancing, 2 nights of live music and family and friends to hang out with and support. I didn’t get any fall décor taken down or put away, or any Christmas stuff up yet, unless you consider the horseshoe snowman I bought at the Jr. Parada yesterday and already gave it a home. But I have decided that I am not going to stress over the little things, spending time with loved ones, was far more beneficial to my soul than how my house looks. Life is short, enjoy the moments. 

So I guess I can finally write about my brother, who now has his very own blog, I wished I could say it was to write about nothing but happy stuff and fond memories. He has told the world of Face Book his news and so I am more comfortable talking about it. To to be honest, blogging doesn't often come with all sunshine and rainbows, clothing or food reviews or the latest trends, many people blog about life experiences, let-downs, tragedies and how to overcome them which tend to be the theme all around. 

About 6 weeks ago he called to tell me he was diagnosed with the same cancer our dad who died at 54 (and a few other of his family members) died of and that he had already been for a second opinion and signed up for treatments (which he has been doing for about the last 4 weeks now). Everyone takes my heart into consideration when they seem to keep things from me until they know more, it is quite annoying, but I get how they want to protect me from heartache any further. But look at it this way, I am a big girl and have yet to actually break, most people couldn't tell me anything that I wouldn't be able to handle, or so it seems they haven't yet. Because I choose to find the good in everything, no matter how hard it seems sometimes. 

The doctors seem optimistic, and we are praying that he makes a full recovery and uses this experience to help others, in his own way. He has had scans every year for awhile now because of our dad and has made it to 60 so I am confident he will fight to beat the odds. He definitely hasn’t had an easy go at life either and struggled through addiction, loss, and now cancer… If you are so inclined, say an extra prayer or two for his treatments to go smooth and his recovery to be short. And if you or anyone you know may benefit from his journey you can look up his blog below. I know that writing for me is huge therapy and I wish him some inner peace from his writing as well as his opportunity to maybe reach a soul or two that needs a sense of hope and a little reminder they are not alone. 

Gregg's blog journey

"Partying it up" in Vegas, According to My Kid!

I haven’t written for a while now. I am not sure I have had anything beneficial to say. Sometimes it just comes together well in my head and sometimes it is just all a jumbled mess. I guess that is what comes with the territory. I have been trying hard to weed through all my emotions along with the expectations I put on myself and juggling day-to-day activities.

I am sure those of you on social media saw that I had a quick less than 48-hour trip to Vegas with some girlfriends, and I was completely surprised by the texts and messages I received regarding this, even while I was there. All complimented me and happy to see that I was truly enjoying myself. I was truly thankful for all the people who reached out and were happy for me to be enjoying life genuinely. I know we flooded most of your social media feeds, but we had an amazing time, bonded really well and formed a 4-pack of friendship that I don’t think could be broken. We were all friends previously, but that weekend seemed to bring us closer together as a group. There is definitely a reason why they say strength in numbers. There is something about being vulnerable, in a safe space, with no judging and the kind of support you get no matter the choices you make, sharing past experiences and laughing until you felt like you did 10000+ sit ups!

 We are all our own people and there is something to be said for being responsible for ourselves and ourselves alone, but always having that pack of people that would have your back no matter what. I know that I do have other friendships like that with individual people, that I value strongly, and love for our connectedness, but this group had a dynamic together that I have never seen before. The people who went along with my need to see my current favorite artist Eric Burgett, who sings my current favorite song, Love It All Goodbye, was just what I needed at this moment in my life. I am blessed to have had this amazing opportunity, and thoroughly enjoyed doing it.

I am glad that I can enjoy myself and still be responsible. Being in your 40’s and single is definitely a different game then being in your 20’s. Not that I was even single in my 20’s, I started dating Steve when I barely just turned 19! 19 days into being 19! LOL!

My hardest obstacle is Paxton for sure. I love him to pieces, and I know it is a lot to process in his little teenage mind,  but seeing his mom go out and go dancing and have fun with her friends is all new to him. We always did things as a family. I very rarely did things with just friends except during the day. So, wine weekends with besties and trips to Vegas for concerts and dancing at local bars with friends and getting home late is probably overstimulating and  NOT the norm. And when I did do something in previous years, his dad was here to be with him. I was gone for only 2 days, but I felt like several times he threw in my face since I came back that I was partying it up in Vegas.

 I am not sure what he thought I was doing, but I reassured him, that I had 3 other girls with me looking out for my best interest, we took Lyfts, I didn’t gamble away all our savings (I lost $20) not a single one of us drank and drove, I didn’t do anything crazy or illegal, I never got so drunk I didn’t know what was going on around me or black out, I didn’t get hurt, I didn’t go home with some stranger and I got home to him safely.

 Being his Mom I would absolutely never make stupid choices that would jeopardize me prematurely leaving him. I know that is one of his biggest fears, something happening to me that would cause him to have no parents. I promise him and you that I would do everything in my power to make sure if that happened it would not be something that I caused to happen. I can’t promise everything that is not in my hands, but I can promise to do my absolute best to be here for him for a really long time, based on everything that is in my control.

Half of my battle and duty as a mom is to encourage and reassure him to face his fears and live his life the best he can, as fully as he can, while the other half is there to teach him to be a law-abiding, purpose filled contributor to society, the best that I know how. To pray every day that God guides me in doing a good job of this and that we can rest assured no matter how much we miss Steve and will continue to miss him for the rest of our lives that it is as equally important to live in our NOW enjoy life and find happiness in our day-to-day lives.

Thank you to everyone who is cheering us on, supporting our choices and hoping that it all turns out the best that it can with what we have available to us. 

Moving Forward with Hiccups and A Red Cast

You know what hiccups are like, sometimes no matter what you do or what you try to get rid of them you just can’t shake them.  Sometimes you get frustrated and agitated because it’s like they’re never going to end. You may not see relief in sight.  

 

How many times have you gotten hiccups where they just sneak up on you and you’re not quite sure what you did for them to develop. But more than anything you just want them to go away. They’re not comfortable and not convenient! The longest case of hiccups was Charles Osborne from 1922 to 1990 68 straight years of hiccups. I couldn’t even imagine having hiccups for a whole day let alone 68 straight years. 

 

What causes hiccups is when you swallow too much air so even though we think sometimes they sneak up on you there an accumulation of too much air being swallowed at which time your diaphragm contracts, but your lungs fail to expand. I really do love the science behind things. 

 

To me grief is sort of like a case of the hiccups. Sometimes it sneaks up on you when you least expect it, sometimes it’s been building for a little while, but you don’t recognize the signs just like when you’re eating too fast you’re swallowing so much air because you are eating and drinking and socializing which causes you not to really think about what you are doing. Depending on the extent of your circumstances, grief’s side effects may only last a moment, or they could last for weeks at a time. Imagine living with those negative side-effects from grief continuously for 68 years of your life! No thank you! 

Unlike Mr. Osborne’s hiccups, most of us can control our mind, our thoughts, our self-care, self-talk, and our level of happiness despite grief. Our mind can make us weak, can make us sick, can pull us through, heal our bodies, and choose what it believes and how you talk to yourself. Your mind is the most powerful thing that you will ever own. The things that you say to your mind the things that you create in your mind are your own work of art. The best thing that you can do is talk kindly to yourself, give yourself grace, lift yourself up, and move forward with confidence that we all are struggling from some internal battle- choose to win yours. Free will and mind control are assets to be mastered when controlled in the most positive ways.

 

Yesterday morning was a struggle I woke up super late – 7:09 I haven’t slept that long in forever. We had 30 minutes to get Paxton awake and out the door for school. It didn’t quite go as smoothly as I would’ve liked. After quite a few arguments and realizing he was just going to be late, then accepting it, he insisted that he needed to eat breakfast although he probably eats breakfast two-three mornings out of the five a week generally, today had to be one of them. His hair wasn’t fixing right, he couldn’t find both his shoes and we were just arguing about everything.  He was delaying on purpose, and I could tell. We argued on the way to school instead of starting our morning off by praying which we normally do. The bickering was so heavy, and I had enough! I said some not so nice things and his long-awaited tears just flowed, bottom line he missed his dad and it had built up enough to explode. I knew this has been building up for a little over a week, but he never could pinpoint what he wanted to say and in order not to create scenarios in his head for him, I didn’t pry previously.  I would rather him organically tell me what is wrong.

 

I let him unload. The things that came out of his mouth are some of the same things that I have felt and I’m sure he has been having a hard time talking about. Sometimes we think shoving them deep in ourselves will make them go away or put somewhere we don’t have to face those fears or anxieties.  Of course, the first thing out of his mouth was WHY????????… But are we to know why… I am not certain that is part of this life on Earth, to try to figure everything out, no matter how hard we try or want to. Maybe we are simply not supposed to know why.

 

He proceeded to let me know that he was mad that his dad died so young, he was relatively healthy, mad at the doctors for not doing something sooner, or being able to fix him. That people with lots of other health issues were able to recover from Covid, why couldn’t his dad? He was mad that he couldn’t remember what the last thing that he and his dad had said to each other, or even when the last time they talked before Steve could no longer communicate with us was. All valid curiosities. I know what the last thing that Steve and I said to one another was, and for that I am grateful, I could play it over in my head and I have several times, but I don’t know what the last thing that Paxton and he said to each other was.

 

I want to say, and I hope, that it was I love you because I truly felt in those two weeks of his consciousness while he was in the hospital, that they made it a point to tell each other they love each other before they would hang up the phone. I remember Steve saying as a kid his dad never really said that he loved him. And so, he always made it a point to tell Paxton that he loves him. Steve’s dad loved him, but it just wasn’t verbalized in the way that Steve and Paxton shared.

 

Paxton emphasized the fact that he was mad that he couldn’t remember. And therefore, I think in this traumatic event that he went through he may have a little PTSD. We had a complete discussion as I drove around the neighborhood several times as he wasn’t feeling confident enough to walk into school with wet eyes. We discussed his feelings, we discussed the consequences of “what iffing” our situation, we discussed having to move forward and what his dad would or would not want him to think or do and how he would want him to treat other people and how he would want to be remembered and even though he isn’t here, which is his biggest challenge as a boy, he feels that he should be, and you know what kiddo? So, do I.

 

This afternoon I went to my monthly luncheon of powerful woman Realtors who ironically do not discuss real estate but gather for that extra connection, that deeper meaning into our hearts, souls and minds, the ones that make you think, make you vulnerable, make you aware, and show that you are human in turn making you a better Realtor. The hostess had an envelope of 14 questions that she randomly pulled out and handed to each of us. When I read mine, after the morning I had with Paxton, I was reminded that God divinely puts not only people, but things in our path for a reason at the right time.

 

My question was What is something that you would say to your father that you never said? How will/would it be received?  

Wow what a powerful question, with never a right or wrong answer. How appropriately placed in my hands to answer on this particular day. As most of my readers know my father died when I was 14 and having this experience as well as a mother who had to learn how to raise me on her own have both been situations that although not what I would wish upon anyone, I am grateful I had experienced to help me through what Paxton and I are now going through over the course of the last year +. Life is sort of funny that way. Prepping you for something without you even knowing it.

 

And by the way I answered that I would thank him, for what he taught me, the experiences that I had, and the traits that he passed on to me to help create who I am today and for me having to experience what I did, to be prepared for now.

 

I called Paxton on the way home to see how he was doing, he let me know he sat in his boat for over an hour talking to his dad about fishing. I was grinning on the other end and my heart was full.  I shared with him that I talk to Steve sometimes too when I am lying in bed or driving in the car by myself. I didn't for a really long time, but now sometimes it just feels right. 

 

This week ended with a brave little boy on his way to manhood, on top of what seemed like a tense and not so smooth week for both of us for various reasons. On Halloween night he broke his thumb playing football. Today we learned from Ortho that it was his growth plate and they had to put it back in place. I will let you form your own picture in your mind of how that went. He had a head full of fear and a body allowing his anxieties to creep in, but he allowed them to do it without numbing it first and he did so good. It took a little motherly calming and visionary skills and reassurance that it would be quick and back in place before he could even think about it.  I knew how much strength that took and how much he hurt, especially the throbbing afterward. 3 hours, one enormous red cast, a note to skip PE and heavy activities for the next 4 weeks, reassurance that he can still fish in the next 2 tournaments, a promise from the Physician’s Assistant that he will be clear in 4 weeks with a different cast to try out for school football, and be able to play without a cast in 8 weeks (just in time for the season to start) a visit to DQ, the rest of the day out of school, and hanging out with friends and he seems to be in good spirits!

 

Wouldn’t it just be great if we could wake up one morning and it was all just a crazy nightmare. But that is not how our lives were supposed to turn out. No matter how many what if scenario’s we can create in our head this is our life, Steve had an expiration date and this was our fate. Paxton can pull Steve from deep within him any time he wants to remember him, what he would suggest, recommend, or decide based on what he knows and remembers of him. He can be all the good things he remembers most about his dad. He can be confident that our happiness was important to Steve and still is and Steve would want for us to continue and carry out our happiness because just because his heart no longer beats ours can again. 

 

As some of you might know Danny Gokey was on American Idol several years ago as a contestant who when he shot the video for getting on the show his wife was battling an illness and struggling to stay alive. When he did the show, his wife had passed away, but he went through with it anyway and he became a very powerful Christian artist that I admire and respect. If you have the time, it’s six minutes long, but watch this video and listen to its powerful message. You too can move forward from whatever you have experienced. 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjR9uGpsJL7AhU_KEQIHeANBfYQ3yx6BAgeEAI&url=https%3A%2F%2Fm.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DeUHRDCYnFfg&usg=AOvVaw32CattP8sqRLU0sgVpRoYd

Is honesty always the best policy?

 

Paxton: with curiosity “Mom did you get your hair cut?” Me: “I got it trimmed a little when I had it done today why?” Paxton: with wrinkled up face emphasis on the word that- “Why does it look like that?” It was straight and wispy. Me: “Like what? Like straight? short? It really isn’t shorter, maybe it is just the way she styled it.” Paxton: “Well, it looks really stupid.“

To be honest at that point do you laugh or cry? (oh my eyes felt a little wet, but my heart chuckled) I am not sure if his bluntness is refreshing, in the way that he isn’t afraid to say what he feels, I mean don’t we stress as parents to our children to be honest?   I am supposed to be agitated that he couldn’t say something nice or keep his opinion to himself if it wasn’t solicited as to not hurt my feelings. Girlfriends and hopefully a wife are in his future and not every one of them will welcome that honesty no matter how much as women we say we want it. We are sensitive beings, and no one wants to feel unpretty, unwelcomed, or undesirable and definitely not that we made the wrong choice if it is something we like. We want to look good and especially be attractive to our family and significant other. When I got my hair done yesterday, I had her weave some chocolate brown into it, I love chocolate brown. When Steve was alive, I only did that one or two times. Just as he wasn’t a huge fan of green so I didn’t wear very it often, He didn’t like red in hair, so I didn’t sport that look, as chocolate brown has a red undertone, and often fades to that liking and he told me such.

Now some of you may be jumping to conclusions thinking I let Steve dictate what I did and the choices I made. You may be the first to say who cares what he thinks and do what makes me happy, but I guarantee there are ways that your significant other or child for that matter has styled their hair, groomed or didn’t groom their facial hair or wore an outfit that just made you go hmmm… I hope I don’t have to be seen with them in public, so you coax them to wear something that suits them just a tad better. It isn’t any different, we want to be wanted, and for them to find us attractive, so why wouldn’t we do what attracts them?

We all have our own unique styles, tastes, and things we find attractive or not. Wanting him to be attracted to me made me happy. I mean he very rarely had facial hair in our 23-year relationship. And guess what that was my preference. He had amazing dimples and I liked to see them. I have never been a huge fan of facial hair on guys. I don’t mind a little scruff now and then or the 5:00 shadow.  Don’t get me wrong there are guys out there that wear it well, but it doesn’t make everyone who has it appealing. Plus, it is scratchy. LOL. I take the time to shave my legs everyday because who wants to accidentally rub up against that prickliness, just saying. There is something appealing about a clean-shaven man to me.

Now back to whether I teach my child to be honest or use this as a learning lesson to teach his thoughts to stay inside his head unless they are solicited and demonstrate to him how to be kind in what he shares. Don’t get me wrong, my kid is very kind, I hear it often from other people, but he is also matter of fact and he has a lot to learn about the appropriate times and things to say to not hurt other’s feelings in the process. I mean it is bound to happen, sometimes no matter what you say, someone will have a negative reaction to it. But that is where we need to also get better at our reactions to others. We cannot control anyone else but ourselves. I can’t stress that enough.

Right now, I am helping a couple friends through some tough times in their life and listening to their experiences, their circumstances, feelings and the reactions of others and themselves, it is disheartening how often people can be cruel, thoughtless, and selfish, the lack of sensitivity in others and sometimes sure hatred coming from a place of unknown to the person it is being directed to. We are never a fly on the wall of someone else’s situation, so we will never know the full story, but the way other’s go about handling a certain situation is when we need to be more concerned with how we react to them, we cannot change them, their thoughts or their behaviors, but we can control how we let what they are doing get to us, beat us down, or change who we are. We are in control of ourselves, and we alone can choose to let it get us down, depressed, sad and bitter, or we can choose to rise above the situation and be better, stronger, and nicer because of it. Is the latter sometimes the more difficult choice, yes, it is, it takes more work, but I am convinced they both absorb the same amount of energy, so why not choose the one with the most positive attitude and happier outcome, I stress that this one is way more beneficial to your self-care. And by being honest with yourself and your situation you are also being a good example to those around you. So here we go again with the honesty. Is it worth the consequences or are we sometimes better off just not knowing? Life is funny like this. No instruction manuals.

We all have a choice. We can choose kindness, love, happiness, and joy just as freely as we can choose to be mean, hateful, resentful, or rude. Sometimes our choices are based off circumstances, prior experiences, and sometimes our feelings or a combination of it all. We teach and learn through feelings, energy, and example more than words. There have been a lot of instances over the past few months where even though the kid’s face could be mine as a boy to a T… Paxton inherited or mimics a lot of his dad’s personality, mannerisms and not only the things he says but the way he presents his thoughts. And although he does mirror some of the good qualities from both of us some of his not so desirable traits, I am hoping that I have the time to help him relearn or readjust to his future benefit. We are all a work in progress, learning never stops and we can always be open to change.  I want him to be a strong negotiator but not to let not getting his way affect him negatively or turn him into a resentful or harsh person. And I am definitely over catering to his attitude or making up for his loss by giving into him on all occasions. No matter how hard it might seem he will respect me for it later.

Although I felt extremely guilty when his dad died and therefore allowed him to do things, have things and get away with things his dad never would have, I have taken the last few months to alter my mindset to realize that it wasn’t my fault his dad died and to continue our relationship without that guilt moving forward, is not going to make him into the adult he needs to be in order to fulfill his purpose and destiny if I do. Guess what to my surprise it isn’t as hard as I thought it would be and it seems to be working, and it feels right. So, keep praying for me to be the best mom for Paxton that I can, while keeping myself happy and sane. And although he is not just a moody teenager, he also lost his dad and must completely alter his life as he knew it, he was robbed of what it could have been, and yes that sucks, but it is reality.  It is time to move forward whether he has that added reality or not. We were dealt a bad hand, we didn’t ask for this “new” life, but we must continue to progress.

My main goal is to show him how to be an effective, respectful, responsible, and kind adult who contributes to society with the talents and purpose God gave him, whatever he discovers that may be. As I work on myself to set the best possible example, to judge less, be grateful more, find the silver-lining or learning lesson in all situations, be patient with him and myself, to laugh, love and cherish our relationship at the same time be the best mom I can for him while teaching him respect, discipline, work ethic, empathy and understanding for others. Most importantly trying to balance honesty and politeness by avoiding raising a child who is cruel, selfish, rude, or vengeful. We are all only human and need as much grace and mercy as one can muster. This starts at home.

So much more than a smile...

 

Perspective is by nature subjective. It is impossible to climb inside someone else’s head despite your best or worst intentions.

taken from Pretty Things by Janelle Brown.

 

So why do so many people judge others or judge themselves based on what they think other people are thinking? To be honest, we don’t know what anyone else other than we are thinking, so we need to put less emphasis on assuming we know, even if we have the best intentions in mind.

I saw a friend’s post this morning, a genuinely beautiful smile beaming from her face, where she most definitely was enjoying herself, on a trip she just wasn’t sure she should go on. I told her before she left that she needed to filter out the judgement of others or what she thought they may think, as well as the noise in her head and go and enjoy herself for her. It is the best form of self-care she could administer.  I connected to her in that moment when I saw her post, in my heart her smile spoke to me. She deserves to be that happy and show it. Knowing her story, losing her son about 6 months ago, I can imagine the guilt she might feel at her ability to express that much joy at this time, the unspoken tears she may shed in private later for feeling any guilt, but to be honest, why shouldn’t she be happy?!  Who is she having to answer to and why would anyone rob someone of their true feelings of joy, especially herself?

 

When I saw her authentic smile, I knew that I have smiled that way, a lot, since Steve died and guess what, it is ok! I am allowed to feel happy whenever I get the chance. It doesn’t mean that I won’t still get sad, have days where tears may still consume me, or that I miss him any less! Like I have said before it is all about learning to live alongside your grief, not getting over it. Feelings are neither right nor wrong and how we feel should be the highest form of our expression and our desires to be at peace with ourselves. We need to be able to be effective human beings, who if you are reading this and are still here, probably have a purpose you just haven’t fulfilled yet so you may as well enjoy your journey, before it is too late. Both my parents died rather young, I don’t know when my time will be up, I can’t spend what time I have miserable because I think I should be right now because of my guilt. But still that guilt creeps in from all directions sometimes, and sometimes more heavily than other times, as if the person we lost would somehow be disappointed in us for feeling good. I highly doubt that! Guilt, what is that, and where does it come from? Is this something we really feel, or is this something society or media has instilled in us to feel?

 

I had to look up the definition of guilt. I know from experience when we use certain verbiage that we think we know what something means and don’t actually know exactly what it means. That is why I love expanding my knowledge and researching things.

 

On my first try with google, I got guilt: noun- the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime, and secondly the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty. Whoa, wait!  There are no laws being broken here in the sense of what I am feeling when the thought of guilt associated with losing a loved one comes to mind. I switched gears and looked up the psychological definition of guilt which made a lot more sense in the context of what I was looking for. Guilt is the emotional state where we experience conflict at having done something that we believe we should have not done, or not done when we should have.

 

A lot of us tend to cling to the idea of what grief should look like when someone dies especially from things that we’ve seen, stuff that our parents/grandparents have said, ways that those around us have acted in the past or by what they show in movies, on TV shows or in books we have read. A lot of our guilt stems from these things. We are supposed to be dressed in black mourning the loss of a loved one and stopping our life as we know it to honor them and put less emphasis on our happiness, we may be expected to be depressed and lost without them and sad and sometimes we are but we shouldn’t be… all of the time.  Some people think we should be consumed with grief that often a genuine smile could be construed as taboo as we might give someone the wrong impression, that we don’t truly miss that person.  For those of us who grieve the loss of someone close to us there is a shadow of guilt for those happy moments that can circle around us at different opportunities. Should we somehow not be able to enjoy them like everyone else?

Are we supposed to enjoy something? Have fun? Smile genuinely? Are we supposed to be depressed, have anxious feelings filled with worry about our future? Should we be consumed with being overwhelmed by the things that we once shared with someone else that are no longer there? If we don’t could it look like we don’t love them as much as we thought? Or give someone else that impression?

 

 I’ve heard a lot over the last year when I am genuinely smiling people are sincerely complimenting seeing me smile. I have seen it on comments on social media posts, in person and when they can hear it in my voice. They are genuinely happy for my happiness, and this alone makes me smile even more. So why should I think it is wrong?

 

 I remember having my pictures taken within 6 months of my mom dying 8 years ago and when I whined and complained to my friend, disappointed I didn’t like any of them, she said because your eyes weren’t smiling. Wow, if you think about it, when you smile and you are genuinely happy your whole face should light up. And why should we deprive ourselves of this? To be honest even though I didn’t choose it for my most recent business card photo, for obvious reasons, I did for my personal IG and FB profile photo for this exact reason, she captured a moment where I let all of my guilt, shame, sadness and worry escape my cluttered head and just felt good being me and it showed, one person even posted that my personality really shined through my picture, thanks Kathryn that is exactly what I thought. For a mere moment, my life was perfect.

 

I have often wondered; can I have lost my partner of 23+ years and still be happy? You are damn right I can, and I deserve every opportunity to be happy without feeling bad about it. It may be something that has taken me years and lots of losses to realize, but maybe this significant of a loss pushed me to accept it. Being happy is ok and should be celebrated. I am still here and why shouldn’t I embrace that.

 

A few blogs ago, I told you that I went through the motions of going out trying to have fun, getting out of the house and away from my grieving child who I am also responsible for along with my own grief, and trying to get out of my head for a little bit and the sadness there, not really enjoying going out. It wasn’t until almost 1 year after Steve’s death that I truly allowed myself to enjoy it. One day I just made the decision to and that made all the difference. Months and months ago I took dance lessons trying to focus on something new to enjoy, but didn’t really enjoy it for a long while, but so glad that I took them, because now I can put it to use and have fun doing it. I removed whatever veils I had of both feeling guilty for doing something I thought I shouldn’t enjoy or worrying about what other people thought about what I was doing, and I was actually stopping myself from having fun, because as per the psychological definition I didn’t think I should.

 

I think a lot of people have a misconception of grief not only in their own head but what they perceive other people think they should be doing. That this is something that we are not allowed to express, happiness. We can be happy for others but are we allowed to be happy for ourselves? Has enough time passed? Is it too soon? What will Aunt Mable think? Is there a time when it is, ok? I hear so many people say that you shouldn’t do anything significant for a year, get rid of stuff, remodel, move, find another person to be happy with. But who sets these expectations and why if we are all individuals are we expected to abide by some unspoken stipulation or fall under the same timeline as another person? What if it takes 6 years to go through someone’s closet? Or what if you never find another person to enjoy life with? Why can’t we just go with our gut, what works for us and how our makeup and personality traits respond the best to our circumstances? And not give a fuck what someone else thinks. Oh yes, the guilt.

 

I bought a new car, new bedroom furniture (I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping in “our” bed that he would never share with me again), I remodeled the inside of a lot of my house, (it gave me something to look forward to) I got all new flooring, painted a completely new color, and even got some new/used living room furniture. I kept what I wanted and started fresh in other areas, I cleaned all of his stuff from my closet for charity (I couldn’t stand looking at the mess of his side of our closet without breaking down)my side was color coordinated, his side had shorts/pants and shirts with tags still on them, because stuff was so disorganized I don’t think he really knew what he had. I organized it for me, for my things- because it is now mine, he isn’t coming back to use his so someone else should be benefiting from his stuff. I went from wearing my wedding ring religiously to moving it to my right hand, to not wearing it at all to having it turned into an amazing necklace that I can’t wait to share with everyone when it is done. These are all things that are unique to me, helped me move forward and I should have no guilt in any of them. But believe me, it came.

 

Why? Why would we not deserve to be happy? Yes, when people like me go through a significant loss, where for some it wasn’t expected, for others maybe an illness that drug out so long you lost connection with who you were being consumed with what became your sole purpose in taking care of the other person, or one that you had some preparation time, like in my case,  but not really enough to say goodbye or prepare you for your “new” future.  It has taken me a year to find out who I am, without him. You are then filled with memories that were made that you can no longer share with someone who was such a huge influence on your life, the day-to-day connection and then all of a sudden it disappears, forever. Your future plans in the grand scheme of what we are programmed to see ourselves in 1, 5 or 10 years just disappeared in your rearview mirror and the car isn’t able to turn around or go in reverse. Plan B wasn’t even a thought. I mean I never thought well if I lose my husband at 30, 40, 50, 60… etc where do I see myself, well maybe briefly I thought about catastrophic things that might happen, but not long enough to plan it out. Who really wants to think of those scenarios. Even for people who are scenario creators like me, some things are just morbid, and we don’t really want to prepare for them, even though we may have prepared for 100 other situations in our head. The thought crossed my mind on occasion since I lost my dad when I was 14, how it might affect me and Paxton if he lost his. But I always tried to immediately shove it out of my mind space,  God wouldn’t do that to me right?  Or so I said to myself. So, losing him at my fairly young age of 42 shattered any of my 5, 10 or even 20 year plans we had together, or with our son.

 

I remember several conversations with Steve that his greatest fear was leaving Paxton and I too early, and not being able to enjoy watching him grow into an adult or being there for him growing up. He feared Paxton growing up without a dad like I had. And he said exactly that. I even remember where he was standing in our kitchen the first time we had this conversation. I chalked it up to his anxiety and being a worrier, I never really thought it would happen, until he got sick.

I remember once he said to me that even if he got into a horrible car accident and became a paraplegic that he wouldn’t want me to have to “take care” of him, so I could just put him in a home and go find someone else to share my life and be happy with. I remember laughing at him and saying that he knew damn well I would take care of him for the rest of my life, I teased that he was just saying this because he wanted permission that if I became a vegetable, he would have permission to go find a younger, hotter partner. LOL. In reality, I think this conversation sticks in my mind, because I am supposed to feel reassured and not guilty if down the road, I find someone else to share my life with for the remainder, as my friend Lori puts it, life part 2.  If he was ok for me to do it when he was still alive because he wasn’t really “here”, I am sure I would have his permission to enjoy the rest of my life now that he isn’t here. By no means am I actively seeking a new partner to share my life with but if it naturally happens, I should squash the guilt before it comes. He wouldn’t want me to feel guilty and I know this deep in my heart.

 

Just as I can see my friend’s son smiling down on her ability to smile and be happy with the life she still has to live, with her task of continuing to raise his siblings to become good adults and enjoying the love and nurturing the relationship she has with his dad, he would want her to focus on the present while enjoying every minute of it and honoring him by sharing his memory and genuinely being happy doing it. I can picture Steve smiling at the improvements I have made to make this house match my personality, laughing at my craziness, wishing he was here to enjoy our plethora of animals,  giggling while rolling his eyes at the stupid things I still do occasionally when I am in a hurry or trying to do too many things at one time, enjoying Paxton growing up with the skills he instilled in him before he died, the new ones he will have the opportunity to learn from from others, and speaking to my heart on where I go from here in the best interest of my future, with no guilt lingering that he isn’t here to enjoy it with me. His purpose was fulfilled, his time was up, and I can only gain perspective from that, not guilt or regret, that mine isn’t.

Honor the things you loved most about the people who are gone.

 

When thinking about life remember this, no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future.

 

Never let people make you feel bad or even guilty for living the life that you want to live, that includes you.