To sleep or not to sleep, what a hard question!

Disclaimer, this is kind of long! However I have come to the conclusion after listening to a fellow author, that I need to just state that I am writing for me. It is my therapy. If someone reads it great, if no one does great, If someone relates to me great, if they critique the heck out of me great. It is first and foremost for me. If you continue on enjoy and I hope that if you relate in some way it helps you get through something in your life. As woman we tend to feel we have to portray this persona where we have it all put together, we can carry the weight of the world on our shoulders not only for us but everyone else and look good doing it! Girlfriend, I am here to tell you we all have a lot of the same struggles and insecurities and a little support from our equally hot mess friends can go a long way! Our life didn’t come with an instruction manual so get out there and be you. Share your experiences and put others minds at ease with what self-talk is going on in their head.

I have been struggling for the last 3 weeks on whether our almost 13 year old dog Chopper should be put to sleep at the Vet. He was diagnosed with cancer over 3 years ago now. I lost a golden retriever to cancer when I was growing up and so I never really thought our Chopper would live for 3 years. I knew someday would be the day or the time that we would have to make these decisions but never really knew when. This is the dog Steve and I got the year after we were married, our first official "being" that we were responsible for together in our adult lives. It was something that had many emotions attached to it. Chopper was a trooper! He had been through a lot of stuff! He has always been a happy dog! No matter what he seemed to always look at you with a smile on his face. Even when you scolded him, when he ate our leather couch after a Superbowl party one time - I swear someone spilled something on it, Steve begged to differ and just said he was bored. At any rate, he got in trouble and was still happy. The time Steve went out of town for a weekend, Paxton was probably only 1-2 years old. There was one of his stuffed animals on mine and Steve’s bed and Chopper picked it up and started playing with it. This didn't sit with Tracker so well and he attacked him. Long story short he actually bit off part of his ear. I doctored it up, but I will tell you if the people who bought our house ever looked with a black light at the walls in our hallway... not sure what they would think, I scrubbed walls for 2 days. Still missing a piece of ear to me equals pain... result happy looking dog! We moved into our new home over 4 years ago and were not here too long when the horse Jasper we inherited with the house was not all to happy when our herding Catahoula nipped at his heels and decided kicking would show him. Oh yes poor Chopper' s side was skinned wide open. I bandaged and doctored that thing for weeks... never once did he seem like he was hurting... happy dog. About the time the thing totally healed (and for those of you who ever incur a pet injury of this magnitude, organic raw honey and melaluca (tea tree oil) works wonders bandaged with an ace bandage to keep the dirt out)- his scar was barely noticeable.  To our detriment, Steve shut one of the fence gates not realizing Chopper was coming out with him and skinned open his side again... yep, same side different location! I couldn't make his stuff up. No problem, happy dog! Looking back on it I wish that I was able to handle pain and life as carefree and lackadaisical as this dog! How unfair.

Even the last 3 weeks of his life where he had his up and down days- the awful day where he slid around the tile and fell on his face a few time,  I was near ready to take him to the Vet and Steve and Paxton begged me not to. We had our difference in opinion on whether we were killing the dog or we were doing what God entrusted us to do which is have dominion over the decisions of our animals. I clearly saw he was in pain and the boys clearly saw he was still eating, getting up on his own (most of the time) and hanging in the kitchen for treats. Even the day he died he walked around our whole yard, laid down by the horses for a bit, sat next to the chicken coop, even messed with the tortoise through the fence a little. Even though he slept most of the day, often need help getting up and when he couldn't on his own and we weren't around unable to control going to the bathroom just wherever he was lying. He became super skinny, completely picky on what he ate and sometimes laid in the same spot for hours upon hours. Still having the happy smile on his face, begging for treats as he always did at the pantry door. It was so hard to decide if I was making the right decision based off of what I thought of his pain level and whether or not his quality of life was worth ending or if he still had some life in him.

We went back and forth as a family on what to do this was the hardest decision I had to make as an adult caregiver in my whole life. How do you decide to end a pet’s life? Rewind a few years, we did have to make the decision to have a horse put to sleep- it was Paxton's amazing horse Lady, and she had Colic all night and by the time we discovered her in the morning it was too late, she had rolled all night with that upset stomach. For those of you who are not familiar with horses, they don't lie down for more than 15-20 minutes at a time, their stomach are too long and big, they don’t sit right for their size and things get bunched up inside. When they lay and roll they end up twisting their stomach and it doesn't bounce back to its normal shape. Horses actually sleep standing up. We couldn't get her to get up or stay up and the Vet who came out highly suggested we put her down because she was at the point of no return to health, but who knows how a long painful death that you could clearly see, this was an emergency situation and the best decision we all felt for her. It is hard to ignore 1000 lb helpless animal lying in the middle of my yard.

With Chopper and his ups and downs in a few weeks’ time, I confess I prayed every night over him when I went to bed that he just wouldn’t be awake when I woke up! Morbid sounding I am sure, however I truly felt that I somehow wanted to communicate to him that although he didn’t act like he was suffering because he always seemed like a happy dog, that we loved him and he had given our family everything it needed in the long season he was here and it was ok to move on to a better place and be free. He didn’t ever look too sad or sick. Maybe that was his way of protecting us from any deep hurt of seeing him struggle more than he was letting on. I want to say I will never know if I made the right decision hanging onto him for those last 3 weeks before he died which I thought seemed peacefully on his own, in our home. But I am glad that my boys talked me out of the decision to end Chopper’s life sooner than he did. I wanted to fix it, I wanted him to be free, I wanted him to struggle no more. The few weeks he was here made us appreciate him more and what he has contributed to our lives. My son says he was the glue of the family. He made everyone happy; he comforted him when he was sad. I remember when my mom died he laid in the room she was in every day for weeks.

I think pets do go to Heaven, especially ones like Chopper, who love unconditionally, embrace their environment and never let anything including pain and struggles wipe the smile from their face. They were born to live this life, to be a friend, a companion, a listener, they don’t argue with us, they are a pick me up when we are down and here to celebrate with us when we are happy! As a friend told me “dogs are sent here to show us the love of Jesus, they forgive and wipe the slate clean never looking back, and they listen and are there in times of despair and in time of rejoicing. They don’t live long because they are pure and don’t need to learn the lessons that we as broken humans do”… thanks Katie.

I am not sure everyone thinks pets go to Heaven, in fact some theologian’s will argue they do not, but I believe that whether they do or do not it is a good form of practice to just believe that they do. It gives us a sense of encouragement that they’re here while they need to be and we will see them again in the future. Friends can come and go, relationships can change, and people can be in your life for short periods of time. Today I am forever grateful for Chopper. I am grateful for his undeniable happiness in this life, for his demeanor which could turn the crappiest of days into a lighter moment just by his dopy smile. Happy Dog he was and I truly believe he has helped form the person I have become in his happy dog way.

If you are struggling with the decision with having your pet put to sleep I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I think it is individual decision and what is right for your family and your pet’s situation. Be strong and go forward as you need, not second guessing or regretting what you choose. God gave us dominion over animals in Genesis 1. I believe this includes making the right decisions for their care.

Rest in Peace my dear Chopper… I look forward to playing tug of war with you again someday.

Even Fish Killers Must Embrace Grace

So not sure how many of you mamas are like me, but sometimes my “to do” list is 2 pages long, double-sided college ruled!  Who in their right mind thinks that they can accomplish that in a week sometimes let alone a day. But like the bulk of us, we try, we push, we stress, we perform like we can shove it all in. Having a job like mine where you are constantly on the go, your day could change from one minute to the next depending on your client needs, or whatever else may be thrown you way. It is the negative beauty, I call it working for yourself with a flexible schedule… most often I say I work for myself which in essence is true, but I am delegated and obligated by the needs of my clients, who essentially are the ones who pay my bills, so I do my best to always be able to jump at the spur of a moment if necessary.

When you have a long list of things to accomplish, sometimes things get put off for a later date, the end of the list or get rolled to the next day, and the next and the next… you get the picture. One of these things is cleaning out the fish tank. Is it a hard job? Not really, it is just often inconvenient at times, and time consuming. You have to vacuum the rock, drain some water, condition and replace the water… then when your vacuum breaks and you have to go buy a new one that adds to your list of “to do” which  I said I try to prioritize, try being the key word. I put buying the new aquarium vacuum off until I had enough time to make it to a pet store to purchase. Finally this week I was able to take the time to swing into Petco… where the clerk convinced me to buy the more expensive vacuum that is automatic and hooks up to your sink and vacuums, removes old water and can be refilled automatically verses the manual one where you have to pump it out and refill the tank with buckets of water.  Of course they were out of them. Insert eye roll here, story of my life. So I purchased the manual one just in case and ordered the sink one from Amazon Prime. I waited until Friday when it came to try it out before opening the manual one, because if you are anything like me you want to save money and if the sink contraption was as amazing as the lady said, you would definitely return the manual one for a refund. Who wants to spend money twice right?

Friday came and I was so excited to open the box and get started, yes me who likes to put cleaning the fish tank off because it is somewhat inconvenient! After busting open the package, you know these things are never consumer  friendly, the hard plastic coating that doesn’t really cut well with normal kitchen scissors, if you try using a knife you pray you don’t slice your hand open in the process… After struggling with the opening for 5 minutes finally success! Next step, hook the attachment up to the faucet and make sure the 50 foot cord reaches to the tank…hmmm FAIL! Why because the attachment is nowhere near compatible with your fancy pull out faucet.. well shoot, onto the bathroom, then the garage sink, then the other bathroom to find out to your dismay that the darn Amazing faucet  vacuum that you just spent $45 on from Amazon (by the way it was $79 at Petco)  is not compatible with a single faucet in your entire house… and now you have to go through the hassle of returning it! UGH you just want to scream right then and there, and between you and me I just might have.

So my time saving dream is crushed and I reluctantly open up the manual vacuum that I purchased just in case but secretly planned to return because I wouldn’t need it. The thing of course isn’t put together so then I have to cut the tubing, put it together and get started… but don’t really read the directions and to my dismay it isn’t suctioning like it should. After getting frustrated for what is like the 3^rd time since opening my time saving package… I realize that I didn’t put the suction ball on the other two ends the right way. UGH! Yet again! After trying to suction it so many times, the tubing was suctioned enough that pulling it apart to put it back together the right way…wasn’t working- this is the point where taking the time to write about it now seems super amusing, however at the time my frustration was so over the top I probably could have exploded, I may have muttered a few not so nice words under my breath and probably could have thrown the thing across the room if I wasn’t trying my best not to break it! After finally getting through my struggle I felt like I did a great job of getting the tank cleaned, the new water conditioned and looking back to its normal self.

Fast forward to the next morning. Steve was out of town and I had to get Paxton up early for baseball practice. I walk out of my room and over to the tank to feed the fish… a normal morning routine…except with a quick glance of the tank a 3 African Cichlids are dead, why am I pointing out the kind of fish we have? Well because they are not $2 fish from Wal-Mart- most of these types of fish tend to be $30-$75 apiece and sometimes even more depending on their size! Ouch! Immediately my inner guilt crept up and I burst into tears! Not only did I kill 3 fish I wasted a bunch of money! How did this happen? I had absolutely no ill intention; I was just trying to make their home cleaner! It had been dirty for a while and I surly stirred up too much crud! Seriously all 3 of them! What in the world! I am an unfit pet owner, a fish killer and 8 year old dream killer. I apologized profusely over and over again to Paxton that I was sooo sorry! The women who brings her kid and hubby’s favorite chicken, Floppy,  into her bathtub for over 2 weeks because she was hurt…the nurturer  who  for a few weeks now has have been battling the decision to sleep or not to sleep with our 13 year old cancer ridden dog, Chopper. Picking up after his accidents, picking him up off the floor when he falls and can’t get up on his own, feeding him special things just so he would eat- it has been a 3 week struggle of hanging on or preserving his quality of life- this is definitely another story for another time. Me, the dog mom who sometimes wakes up 2-3 times in the middle of the night to let the other dog Tracker out to pee, gives him special medicine for allergies. It however made me cry even harder that I killed 3 fish, what if it was one of our other animals!  As a mama I am protective of everything we have. I am responsible for over 20 animals and I just allowed 3 in my watch perish… and why? Because cleaning the fish tank was an inconvenience or burden sometimes as it just didn’t fit in my priority schedule.. I felt super low..I beat myself up with my words and then I remembered.. I am human I make mistakes… I am good in so many ways and the self-talk turned to a more positive note. Learn from this I told myself. Will I return to feeling guilty or play it over and over in my head what I should have, could have or needed to do differently, you bet I probably will but my priority is to ask forgiveness and believe I already have been given it, by the poor fish, my son, my husband, God and of course, myself.

And then I remembered;  For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. – Titus 2:11.

 I am saved. I am forgiven, I am loved. I embrace the Grace that I am given.