Reaction verses Response

I have really thought long and hard all day about this just trying to figure out how to piece it all together.
I am really a reaction person, it isn't that I didn't know this about me, I just wasn't sure how to correct it. At work we are working on smart goals ones that have to improve of customer service skills, and of course can spill over into our life skills as well.
I am somewhat of a perfectionist, in my own way, I strive really hard to make others feel good about themselves and try hard to do everything I do the best way I know how. I put a lot of effort in every day and when someone disagrees with what I am doing, when I am questioned or told I am doing something wrong, something inside of me sinks and I am quick to defend my honor, to explain why I did what I did or said what I said, I know at work I am improving on this skill, I am listening more and letting what I am told sink in. I step back look for the opportunity, think about it and then respond rather than trying to fix the person's problem from the beginning. I want to actively listen and help the person, because helping others truly makes me happy. I look forward to the feedback that I receive from co-workers on the things I can do to improve my skills. There is really nothing that I am perfect at and there is always room to grow.
I wonder why it is so hard to do this at home? Why can't I take the time to really listen to what I am being told, or if I feel offended or hurt in some way, why is it that I chose to lash out or yell or defend myself by reacting to the first thing that crosses my mind that I "think" someone else is thinking about me, or because of a lack of confidence that I have in myself. Why do I feel I need to put words in someones mouth. What am I possibly gaining from this besides an even bigger heaping mess? Yet, I repeatedly do this to myself as well as the person from which the criticism is coming.
I need to take the skills that I am learning at work- rename my criticism as areas of opportunity and learn how to be a better me from the feedback. I currently let the feedback feel like a direct punch to me and my pride and ego. I need to learn to not be so harsh on myself. I need to not view my inadequacies as bad as I think they are. Someone else may not view it that way, but do I really stop and ask questions or give them a chance to explain? No, I react quickly.
I think that I am really really hard on myself and I make a bigger mess of the situation at times when I could have asked more questions and left the day or evening in peace. I am a quick forgiver, but not every one is. I feel that as humans we should be allowed to vent our frustrations with those we love even if we lash out and in 5 minutes hug and be forgiven. I just need to de-stress. Not every one is wired that way, and I need to respect that. Maybe I just need to grab a glass of wine and take some deep breaths first. I need to adapt to others and the way they operate. I need to step back try and talk about the issue. I need to stop making a bigger mess with those who I love the most and love me the most. I need to react less and respond more.
I never would have guessed that I could improve a situation by mostly strangers giving me their feedback on my areas of opportunity and the ones I love tend to bring out the worst in me when they criticize me.
Tonight I am grateful for the opportunity to grow, both at work and at home. For the deep breath I will take whenever I want to react to a situation. For pausing and allowing what is said to truly sink in and perhaps the reason behind it.
I am grateful for each day set before me to improve myself and improve my relationships. Ultimately I will become a better daughter, wife, parent, teacher, friend, employee and whatever hat I may be wearing.
I know that this journey is not easy for me being that I have been a defensive, reactive person most of my life, but I am willing to take the steps to improve.
One day at a time, one situation at a time, this will make all the difference. The baby steps are what matters most in the bigger picture.
Stole this Horescope off someone else's facebook page, pretty much sums up the above.
Don't waste your time worrying about something you can't undo. If a mistake was made there is no use focusing on it to the exclusion of those things you do have power over. You may not be able to change what has already occurred, but you can certainly take a different path now that could compensate for any losses. The key is to take a positive rather than a negative approach. A negative approach dwells on "what if" and the past. A positive approach deals with the here and now, and the influence you can have over the future.

Paying ATTENTION

Have you ever been introduced to someone and 30 seconds later you forgot their name? In the hustle bustle of today's society when we are trying to multi-task and thinking ahead to the next thing that we are waiting to do or contemplating our schedules for the week, it is easy to overlook certain details. We can get so wrapped up in ourselves, our families and our day to day activities, we often don't take the time or interest in others. Whether at work, with our friends lives or anyone else that may need our empathy or care we need to take the time to make others feel important, take interest, ask someone "how are you doing today" and really mean it, listen intently you never know when that simple phrase can make a difference in that persons life. Set aside our agenda and they may even make that difference we are in need of as well.
Last week they featured a story on the news that really restored my faith in the kindness, selflessness and care that another human being can have. An elderly lady who ordered a pepperoni pizza every day for 3 years had not ordered for 3 days in a row, the pizza delivery lady that was always assigned to deliver her a pizza took notice and drove by the lady's home and knocked on the door. When no one answered she called 911, the elderly women had fallen almost 3 days prior and could not get up... the delivery lady who took it upon herself to pay attention to detail and truly care about the women...made all the difference. How many of us may have chalked it up to the lady being on vacation or having relatives visiting, or perhaps she just got sick of eating pizza and would have never called upon her to see that she was okay. I would like to think I would have had the same instincts as the delivery lady, but would I have? I think that it was a wake up call for me to pay attention to detail, take notice of the little things, and be confident that others will pay attention to me, and someday that may make a difference.

frustrations

Yesterday morning I woke up rather early about 3:15 to my usual 4:30 with thoughts in my head regarding medical bills that I was fighting and what my next step in the process would be to appeal these bills I didn't feel I was responsible for; So I didn't quite get as much sleep as I anticipated and I was already a little stressed upon waking. I was relatively on time yesterday to drop my son at my mother-in-laws on my way to work, I was driving thinking again about bills and the things that I had to do for the day, when to my surprise lights flashed behind me; REALLY, come on it is 5:30AM and no one on the road.. except the cop; so I pulled over and barely cracked my window, explained that I didn't really know what I had done wrong, I was on my way to the sitter and had a lot on my mind and was just driving, I was informed of going 58 in a 45, swallowed hard handed over my info and started balling the minute the cop walked away from my car, thinking to myself, was I really that wrapped up in what I was doing that I hadn't even glanced at my speedometer 2 miles away from my house; in the dark with my son in the car, was our safety really in my best interest? I was more upset at this then I think I was that I got pulled over. Long story short I got a warning and please drive safely ma'am when he returned, I thanked him and silently blessed him as I pulled away- needless to say I was 4 minutes late for work, changed my attitude and tried to go on with my day, I was presented with yet a few more obstacles at work that also dampened my mood and my confidence in myself- I left work to pick up my rental from my incident last week and ended up waiting for over 1 hour for a rental car and arguing with none other than the doctors office who coincidentally called to discuss my medical bill, the very one that started my day ever so early. I apologized if I took out anything on her but that I was frustrated and had been for the past 17 months trying to figure out this bill and not pay more than my fair share of what was owed, she would check into a little further and get back to me; Yay, I can worry less for a little while at least. I then went to show a condo (of course I was late due to the delay in the car- long story and not worth getting into) clients loved the property (of which the agent says was available). It was bank owned and of course when we went to put in an offer today, they had multiple offers. Hopefully ours will be good enough. Woke up about 5 times in the middle of the night last night, none of which was the fault of my kid, husband or dog... I just would become awake and look at the clock as if it were time to get up and start my day, when in fact it was like 10, 11, 1, 3.....so by the time it was actually time to wake up I was so dead tired, I really wish I had more sick days. I ended up praising the fact that my marriage has been great and things are starting to look up we are getting along fantastic and appreciating each other, really working as a team to a friend on my way home, just in time to come home to argue over something extremely stupid- which now a few hours later I honestly can't remember what it was.......
Oh the little things that can add up in a day and frustrate us all to heck. The minimal things that by themselves can seem not such big deals. But if any of you are like me when one little thing happens after another that just isn't in your game plan, it can really throw your mood off and set a negative tone for the day. I try to abide by the rule that you shouldn't sweat the small stuff and that you can't always control your circumstances but you can control your attitude! I think these are really good rules to live by, but I also think we are only human and every once in a while it is nice to just let it flow, the anger the frustration and self pity- throw it out there, get rid of it and move on- or take a nice hot bath and get a massage... .or in my case write about it.

easy as 1, 2 ,3

Is it ever as easy as it seems... probably not, but then again if we didn't work for it is it really an accomplishment. What are we striving for in life I wonder. It would be nice to have it handed to us, but then do we really appreciate it? I am not certain. So I have worked my whole weekend, to find out that the house my clients want has been snatched up... what to do? I guess they pick something else, or come and look again, across states. I do know one thing, I really miss it. I miss the full time gig, the enjoyment of helping someone find their perfect fit. I want that back, the freedom and the satisfaction.... so I guess I am looking for my hubby to get a way better paying job with benefits, or for me to get a telecommuting position so I am not spending so much time commuting every week and I can focus on what I truly enjoy... which doesn't happen to be my current full time job. I pray for someone to recognize my talents and for God to point me in the right direction to use them to service others. I know that I tell myself daily, and I am sure that every one who knows me has heard that life is a journey not a destination... I really do wish sometimes the journey was a little less strenuous and a little more fulfilling.... and I would truly know why I am going through what I am to get there. In the long run there is a reason, sometimes I wish I knew the underlying reason and sometimes I would rather not and just move on. But in any case... I am here for the journey,the good the bad and the worse. I welcome the challenges because I am capable, I can handle things if the go wrong, it is okay to make mistakes and even fail at times, people who fail at least tried, I can try, I am responsible for me and my attitude and it is all a learning experience.
Keep learning, keep doing and get your ducks in a row. Then, when an opportunity knocks, you're ready. -Buck Owens.

thoughtfulness

Today I am grateful for the opportunities that I had to make a difference for someone else as well as allow others to make a difference for me. I am extremely grateful for friendship and family. Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day. - Sally Koch
I am glad that I had the opportunity to help someone today, and the opportunity for someone to help me. It is the little things that add up, the every day thoughtfulness of others, the every day thoughtfulness we give to others that truly makes an everlasting mark on our heart. Don't wait to do that one big thing that makes a difference, if you do you will miss out on a whole lot more potential opportunities.

I work at a school, so now I guess I feel it is expected that I go to school, I'm book smart(even though I have always truly hated school) and probably should go but I am not really sure what is motivating me to do it except it looks good to move up or on paper, or other people think I should, or I think I should, but is there really desire there, do I have the passion that some of my students who would climb mountains and drive through ice storms, post in their hospitals and any other obstacle around them.... I could probably do it but I need to get better at what I am doing, not add something else to the mix.
I don't really need a Master's degree to write children's books, or write at all, or do real estate or sell Scentsy product, or mother a 16 month old all of which I am currently doing and did I mention the 11 hours away from home with my job, the 10 hours I spend in the car a week driving, that I am tired by 6:30 every night, I wake up at 4:30 every morning, and I am not sure I am motivated enough to do it to just do it with no end goal in site, why did I pick my program, not sure, it was the most interesting one... I did a part time gig with government, I have volunteered for non-profits, thought it may be more interesting to find out if I am meant to take that route?
Time is precious and I have a lot of other stuff going on right now. I just hate to quit especially after week 1. LOL! REALLY what was I thinking, someone snap some sense into me. I see all these other people do it, single mom's with 3 kids and 2 jobs... blah blah blah, and you know what I need to do is stop comparing myself to others... That is where I fall into the trap. I am not other people I am me, I should not let what other people do, what is good for them or what others think that I can do persuade me to do something that I really truly don't know why I am doing it.
I think that if I spend 1/2 as much time a week on one of my other projects instead of the time I am spending to study and go to school, I may just be a lot more successful and accomplish something.
I was listening this morning to a segment on the radio about a cause within, this is a new book that came out yesterday to help you find your purpose, the author stated that when you serve others you will find out what you are good at and what you are intended to do. You can not find out what it is that you are suppose to do to make more money, be more successful, it is when you give up these reasons for finding your purpose that you will find your true purpose. I really felt that was pretty profound and would love to share a little more, when I read the book.