Weight "less"

So if anyone who knows me over the years- well my whole life in fact I can yo-yo in my weight. I was a pretty skinny kid, late elementary got a little chunky, skinny'd right up in jr. high and gained a bunch of weight after my freshman year when my dad died and pretty much have been up and down since. Moods, stress and life's unexpected circumstances play a huge role in my weight. I am definitely an emotional eater, and an occasional nail biter. Nervous habits I suppose that I really don't "notice" until my nails are chewed down or my clothes become snug. It is something where I just go on autopilot. I take so much control over so many things in my life to make sure that things go the right way, however when it comes to eating I seem to stuff my emotions with whatever food I can get my hands on at times, and at other times I barely eat at all. Talk about messed up metabolism, 1 kid later and over 30.... not too much going for me there. I am one of those women who cares about my public appearance. I very rarely leave the house not put together. Honestly how I put myself together represents a lot about me and whether I take the time and energy into getting ready or caring about myself, reflects how I take care of or handle other areas of my life. When I get ready I feel better, I am more alert and I am more focused, and I am in control. Every time I go up in weight, this last time especially-(even though I am not at my highest weight ever) I still feel frumpy and my body weight is distributed differently than ever before, causing me more stress about my appearance. It is a time during summer that no one wants to publically wear a bathing suit- remember I am very big about how I feel about appearance and I feel that how I look reflects how I am put together and how others perceive me. In all actuality just as I don't judge others, not too many people really care about how I look in a bathing suit, or for that matter even think about. I am my own biggest critic. I feel a huge weight on my shoulders whenever it is time to swim or go in a pool with others- heck I haven't bought a new bathing suit in over 3 years! I am just not comfortable in my skin I suppose. With a 3 year old who loves the water and being in the water, and wants to play in the water, it is hard not to oblige when visiting peoples homes who invite us to swim. This past weekend we went to a going away BBQ at my sister in law's house for some close friends of theirs that were moving. I wanted to be able to swim and enjoy the pool, but do I wear a shirt, do I just go in my clothes and sit in a lawn chair? I am not about to let my tummy roll over my bathing suit bottoms, what if everyone looked at me and said now "why would she wear that? What is she thinking? Did she look in a mirror?" Those are all the things that run through my little head, along with my inner voice, "you need to go on a diet, you need to lose weight, you need to work out every day, stop eating" among other things of self talk. I am sort of frugal when it comes to buying certain things and spending money on a bathing suit that actually fits and makes me feel good when I know you can buy some for $25 or $30 places is hard for me to swallow. In talking to my husband about my bathing suit dilemma and telling him that I needed something that covered my assets (that is what we are calling them), he encouraged me to go buy a suit that fit, "spend the money and get something you will wear," he said. I felt relieved that I had "permission"(not that I needed it) to go spend money on myself (something I often find hard to do). I didn't spend as much as I thought I might and found a suit that was suitable to me and although I will never be a supermodel or turn heads in a crowd, I was comfortable enough to swim with my child, hang out amongst other adults and not feel like I was constantly worried that someone was judging me (even though they probably weren't). The weight I was carrying (not on my body) was lifted allowing me to feel weightless against my inner fears. Psalm 16:7-8 even tells us that God counsels us. "I will praise the Lord who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will never be shaken." Let Him be your rock when you feel unstable or out of control.

Tough love is painful

I have learned over the years that being a forgiving person is the best type of person I can be. I am easy to forgive and forget and try to move forward not holding a grudge and looking back. We are all humans and will error, sometimes we say things we don't mean, we are just being mean or we are hurting. As a mother I had found it is hard to be quick to forgive my child no matter how hard I really want to. I don't also want to teach him that he can do anything without consequences. Last night was difficult for me. Scenario: He didn't want to eat what we made for dinner. He has eaten the foods before so it was nothing new. He said he didn't like it anymore. My husband grew a little impatient and told him that if he didn't eat it he could go to bed for the rest of the night. He started to whine and cry, tried to put the food in his mouth and immediately spit it out. That was definitely not the right thing to do. He was taken to his room. A little while later he came out but I told him that if he got hungry I saved his dinner. He wanted PBJ (which has always been an alternative to dinner (especially if hubby and I are eating something spicy) but last night as parents we stood our ground. About an hour later he asked for his dinner, I warmed it up and he ate almost all of it. He then asked for a popsicle to which I replied "no he could have something healthier like peaches are yogurt." He chose applesauce. He ate his applesauce and then asked for his left over ice cream from BR a few nights before that was in the freezer. To which I said "not tonight, we are not eating sweets tonight." He looked right at me and said "I hate you mom." (so grown-up like) My heart sank, my 3 year old just told me he hated me. I was super crushed. No mother wants to hear those words, and I definitely didn't expect to hear them this young- teenager maybe! We don't say this in our house and I am not sure where he has learned this hate word. I have heard him say it before about other things and corrected him, but never that he hated his own mother. I immediately told him that we don't say that in our home and he needed to go to his room. He knew he had done wrong and immediately begged forgiveness. I wanted so bad to take him in my arms and tell him that I know that he didn't mean it and to hug and comfort him, at 3 years old I am not even sure he really knows the meaning of the word "hate". But nonetheless, I needed to stand my ground. He did not proceed to his room and his father swatted him on his butt escorted him to his room and talked with him about why we don't say this and what if mommy told you she hated you, how would that make you feel? He was tucked into bed (which is pretty tragic for him anyway since he sleeps on the couch due to being afraid of the "real dinosaurs" that sleep in his room at night- but that is another story). Hubby came out of the room and said that I needed to go in there, my son wanted to tell me something. He apologized and said that he knows that he treated me wrong and will not say that again, I started to cry and told him that he hurt my feelings and that mommy would never tell him that she hated him, that is not something we say in our house and I would never like to hear him say that again. Big red puffy eyes looked back at me with that genuine guilt feeling and I just melted. He asked if I could stay and I told him that I was going to bed and would check on him but that unless he had to go potty he needed to stay in his room. I knew he was super scared, but I knew that with swim lessons and all the other things he did that day, then just crying he would be asleep in no time. I left the dimmed light on and went to bed. Would I have loved to stay until he feel asleep, of course, did I just want him to crawl in bed with me and cuddle? for sure! But I knew that in order for me to discipline with love, understanding but also control, We needed to make sure that he got the point that the behavior he displayed would not be tolerated and that he would have to pay some consequences. Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right- Proverbs 20:11 Although God causes all things to work together for good for His children, He still holds us accountable for our behavior. -Kay Arthur