When the pieces aren't going together...walk away... come back later

 To be honest this is probably the first time I have ever written about something right after I experienced it. I often tend to think it over in my head for a while before I write, or for some of you might say overthink it. I really think the relief that I received from writing this all down after it happened  may be a good technique for my healing process going forward.

   Somedays things come so easy to me and I am happy and carefree and some days I just want to go back to bed and wish it were tomorrow. Today started out as one of those days. I woke up fresh and ready to go at 5:00 AM. Lots of plans and things to accomplish as I have been helping a friend throughout the week with her Free Prom attire event she hosts for all the local High Schoolers, took on 3 new clients and managed to get some appointments, errands and household chores done in between. 

My Horse has Cushing's Disease which affects his pituitary gland so he doesn't shed properly so in order to keep him cooled off in our treacherous summer heat, I shave him a few times a year. This has been going on my 3rd year of doing this now. Last week I was able to shave 1/4 of him before my clippers dulled, and they just weren't eliminating the hair and I didn't want to irritate his skin,  mind you I have never sharpened or replaced them yet. So I ended up ordering the blade on Amazon as Tractor supply was out. Being as busy as I was I didn't have time until this morning to get up and do it. 

Who has a complete breakdown and balls her eyes out trying to replace a blade on some clippers? This girl right here of course. Why would I expect a different outcome!  I could take it apart but not put it back together! Really! This has to happen today, it doesn't really fit in my schedule. Why not, this whole week has been hectic and honestly both Paxton and I have had our moments of complete sadness and tears to spread. Why? I have no idea! This coming week is my birthday week, but I don't even know if that is the cause. I am sure that I am close to my monthly emotional outbreak anyway... welcome to womanhood for those of you men that don't experience it or have never been around a woman during that time... believe me it is real and no matter how much Steve would "think" I could control my emotions pre-period... it just comes and there is really no control. Hormones are such a quirky thing, especially if you are stressed, depressed or emotional to begin with. 

The further and further along this goes, where I am living my new life, the more I seriously hate him for leaving me! I know it was his time and I know that God has a plan for my life everyone says and yes in the back of my mind I do believe this. I also know I am capable, sure I am, can I ask for help? Sure I can... do I want to be able to do everything myself and fit it into my timeline and thrive.. you betcha. Do I hate admitting that I can't do something? More than you know. There are just some things that I don't want to have to do, learn or ruin in the process. 

I have a listing appointment at 11 today and I wanted to have finished shaving Gus so that we can ride this evening. It is way to hot to ride him with all of his hair. But setback... life doesn't flow the way you think or envision in your head, most of the time. It makes me feel stupid that I can't figure things out sometimes, no matter how hard I try, or how much grace I want to give myself.  Like seriously I was able to use the screw driver to unscrew the blade that was already in place, why in the world would the new blade, with the same looking screws take the same screwdriver? 5 different screw drivers later and I have to give up for fear of stripping the screws! 

How much I relied on Steve for so many things I took for granted and never really paid attention to. Believe me I did/do a lot but when it came to the mechanics of things he was always my rescue. Relying on neighbors and friends and people I have to hire is such a brand new world and I'll tell you there is no one who will show up for me at 6AM when I am struggling to replace a blade on a some trimmers, no matter who says they will be there whenever I need them. This is my timeline, not theirs. When you are a mess enough that your child has to hug you and tell you everything will be okay and you just want to cancel the day and hop back in bed but there are so many responsibilities calling your name... yep you must adult today. You just can't call up your new client Mary and say, "sorry but I am having a day and I just can't come today." I mean, yes I could but she has absolutely no idea my backstory and shouldn't be shoved aside for it, or be expected to alter her schedule for something I already committed to. 

"You are doing such a great job", "you are such a good mother" " you surprisingly have your shit together for just loosing your husband" "you amaze me that you are so strong" "I don't think I could do all the things you are doing to make your life work" "you look happy" " so glad to see your smile" "you got this" "I know you will survive"... and on and on and on with the compliments of so many. Is it nice that everyone is so encouraging and has so much faith in my abilities? Of course it is... but it really doesn't make it any easier on me as I am the one who has to live it and sometimes it is easier to just pretend everything is ok just to get through the tough times. Somedays it is easy sailing, because of course I am strong and capable, I really don't have any other choice. Then other days I am a big hot mess with tears streaming down my face with puffy eyes at 5:30 AM yelling at Steve under my breath and having to crawl in bed with my 12 year old to console me! Am I even remotely embarrassed to tell you this? Hell Yes! But I promised when I started this portion of my blog I would be vulnerable and real. Honestly, how can I help someone else through something if I am not!!!? 

So maybe it IS my birthday week that is really getting to me, maybe it is the frustration of not being able to fix something myself that seems so easy in my head that I am sure I could hand to some guy friend to fix in less than 5 minutes and I am struggling with my "first" birthday without Steve in 24 years. Maybe it is Paxton insecurities over the last few days struggling with "new" experiences as at 12  I am sure he is starting to go through puberty and just wants his dad to ask things to, not really his mom and he is a tad embarrassed to ask anyone else. Trying to be mom and dad sometimes can be exhausting but I wouldn't trade him for the world or ever make him feel stupid for asking, it just saddens me that he has to go through all these first without Steve. Will it make him stronger, I am sure of it, but I wished it wasn't this way. 

A little back story for those of you who don't know, or haven't read it before. Every year on my birthday since I was a little girl, no matter where I was, I would come home to flowers, daisies were my favorite at the time, that my dad bought me... fast forward 15 years as he died when I was 14. My mom knew how much it meant to me and continued giving me flowers every year on my birthday from my dad, she wanted me to feel his presence and make my day that much more special, my grandfather also died on my 14th birthday so I think in a way my mom wanted to ease that sadness that was hovering around me as well,  even when I moved out of state, even when I got married she still sent or brought me flowers.  Fast forward another 20 years when she died and Steve carried on the tradition. Just because, not because I asked him to or expected it of him, but because he knew the back story. And you all wonder why I like flowers so much... even after I received so many when Steve died that I wanted to chuck every vase at the wall because no flowers could ever come close to consoling my hearting heart, they still make me happy and put a smile on my face and I love to have them in my home. 

Flowers are funny. You can watch them bloom, thrive and die. It is just the circle of life. Some last longer than others and sometimes I never know when I buy them for my table if they will last 2 days or 2 or more weeks. No expectations, I just enjoy them while they are here. For flowers it is a lot shorter than humans but we can definitely use them as an analogy to enjoy life the best you can in the short amount of time you have that you have to make each day count, we don't really know when we will no longer have that opportunity. 

My son is 12, he doesn't drive and he isn't expected to get me flowers unless he really has an inkling to do so himself with no push or bug in his ear from anyone else... ( all of you promise me). He already asked me what I wanted for my birthday and then when I came up with something else and suggested we go shopping together to pick out a summer robe, he proceeded to tell me we could of course but he already knew what he was getting me. He is such a good soul and I am more than blessed to have him in my life. I pray every day that I am raising him to be a good adult and he finds his purpose and lives his life with passion and is good to some woman who truly adores him and treats him with like respect.

I have a good friend who has sent me flowers every month on the 3rd since Steve died (Sept 3rd) and it is such a wonderful gesture but no amount of flowers no matter how much I love them can take my pain away. They do remind me everyday that life must be lived to the fullest, you must acknowledge those who mean the world to you on a regular basis, tell those you love how much they mean to you, make your life count, forgive, enjoy and let things go that are beyond your control. Today the clippers are really beyond my control, at least in the timeline I had expected.  

So here is to showering off my tears, with a little depuffing help of some cucumbers... picking my head up,  getting ready for my appointment, nailing the consultation and scoring some new business,  and finding someone this afternoon to help me unscrew my blade so I can put it back together, shave my horse, relieve his body heat in this 90+ degree weather we are enjoying and go back to being right in my mind reminiscing of all the great birthdays I have celebrated with loved ones so far and knowing that good things are still to come. I am still here and as I have said several times, my purpose hasn't been fulfilled yet so I will pick myself up, dust myself off and trek forward. I still have people to connect and lives to inspire. God isn't finished with me yet. 

“A flower’s appeal is in its contradictions — so delicate in form yet strong in fragrance, so small in size yet big in beauty, so short in life yet long on effect.”– Terri Guillemets

Learning Lessons

Life is all about learning lessons. I know that I will never parent like Steve would have if I was gone. Or even how we would have parented together blending our styles if he was still here. It was nice to have someone to share, compare thoughts, ideas, disciplines, and praises with. I know that he and I didn't always agree on the how and process of raising Paxton but I pray to God everyday that I am guided to do the right job and shape him into a wonderful adult. Not everything is in my control and I can only be responsible to help shape his life partially, there are a lot of other outside factors that will contribute to his shaping as well. We learn a lot of lessons not from what we are taught but what we experience. Things often happen beyond our control, but things also happen because we are just a little off in our thoughts, ways, interpretations, what we think we can do, accomplish or handle simultaneously. Sometimes we cut corners to save time, sometimes we mis-judge and sometimes we are just plain lazy or we go with the crowd to please someone else. Sometimes our intentions are so pure and our end results in our head are much more "pretty" than how it really turns out. 

We didn't end up flying to Chicago this past week, or spending time with my family in Indiana. We did somehow turn a week with absolutely no plans into a week full of friends and activities. I know Paxton is just like me in the social aspect of loving to be around people. Don't get me wrong I enjoy a little alone time but you often don't realize how much it means to have someone there all the time until they are gone. Almost 24 years together and 20 that we lived together! Even though we had our own interests as well, we were always available to one another at any given moment to share, discuss and enjoy life as it was handed to us. Even if we were home together and doing different things we could speak freely whenever we wanted, share ideas or hopes and dreams- and when not together, the other was always just a phone call away. When that person is gone, they are GONE and your life changes in more ways than most people realize. You don't just lose a person, you lose YOUR person and everything you have built your life around for so many years. You can be surrounded by the most wonderful group of friends, acquaintances and supporters but no matter how hard they try, it is not the same and never will be again. Not to give myself a pity party it is just a huge observation of what actually changes in your life when the person is gone...Everything. 

I recently purchased a ranch vehicle to make it easier for Paxton to haul things around our property but not have to rely on me to get the truck everywhere, and although I think he is a pretty good driver for 12, he has driven golf carts, a lawn mower, go-karts, and a  Polaris side by side already but giving him the keys to the Tundra doesn't seem quite what I am ready to do. I was driving a lawn mower at probably 8 years old and a car at 13 on backroads, but my mom also taught me in a small car, not a 4 door full size truck at his age. This purchase allows him to romp around the neighborhood with friends with like vehicles as well as haul animal feed out to the barn from our driveway, move heavy items, load up the little detachable trailer and pick up dog and horse poop and dump it. In fact he can even drag our property at times. It is multipurpose and a good purchase in my mind. We bought it used, but I wasn't looking for a brand new shiny ranch vehicle anyway, saving money is always a plus. 

Rewind to last Monday when we decided to go get said vehicle. I purchased it, he loaded it up and secured it to our trailer so glad his dad taught him to use tie-down straps... and he retained it. I have been shown several times, but somehow every time I go to use them whatever I learned has to be re-learned. Sometimes there is so much going on in my brain I don't always fully pay attention.  We brought it home, unloaded it and he started using it right away, obviously he had to go around and show it off to friends in the neighborhood, but he did do some work with it on our property as well. Dang, the things that motivate us to do our chores... lol. Anyway after dinner I was inside doing dishes with Alexa blaring country music in my ear. As I was jamming out to be motivated to do my chore, I answered a phone call as  he came in crying... UGH! 

My heart sank. Seriously.... what in the world. He proceeded to tell me how stupid he was, how he messed up, how his dad would be so livid with him and that he ruined it. I didn't even know what he was talking about but quickly hung up my call with a promise that he was ok and I would call back in a little bit. The neighbor across the street and down one house heard the crash and quickly came to make sure he was ok! I didn't even hear a thing! Geez! Apparently he only opened one side of his dad's gate, you know the one that Steve spent months on welding, took to get powder coated, perfecting it and making it look amazing and we cussed up a storm trying to hang just right (with only my help- that damn thing is so heavy!) and he banged into the other side because he misjudged his turning radius. Needless to say he bent the rod that holds the two gates in place and they don't quite line up perfectly anymore, but they do still shut. I also reminded him that the gate itself ended up with a small dent in it from transport to get powder coated anyway. I am most positively sure it can be fixed and the average person would never know the difference, but just like my wedding ring that had to be cut off several years ago when my hand swelled up so big it was cutting off my circulation the bands never quite aligned perfectly like they once had, and I notice, but am extremely grateful they could even put it back together. 

Steve would have been furious and probably some serious spankings or at least a harsh grounding would have been in the immediate future, because his immediate reaction would have went straight to his pride and his hard work that was altered in the blink of an eye because of his sons lack of being careful. I loved him to death, but his Grace and Mercy wasn't always immediate. Steve was always a fast crazy driver to me, but in his 20+ years he was never in an accident involving him hitting another vehicle. He always seemed aware to me of his surroundings, but like all of us, he wasn't always on top of his game. He did get rear ended once in his little work truck, backed into our garage door at our old house, stopped to fast and caused boards from a trailer to hit his tail gate and dent his Ford, oh and jack knifed our trailer with my truck tail gate down and dented that. So guess what Paxton, your dad wasn't perfect either, none of us are.  

My immediate reaction was to make sure he was ok first of all, hug him and reassure him that he was in fact not all the negative things he just spewed out of his mouth at me to make himself feel justified in being an idiot. I had him take me to view the damage, which wasn't as bad as I envisioned in my head. Was I disappointed yes of course, his dad poured his heart into making this gate. Could we rewind it and make it not have happened, absolutely not. So my parenting style kick in of laying out a circumstance and situation that you cannot erase, and helping him figure out where do we go from here. Asking him what he learned, discussing what needed to be done to fix it and making him aware of how to overcome this issue. Life's lessons often involve mistakes. 

Life is not perfect and we all make mistakes, in our everyday lives, in our careers, in our choices and in our relationships. Some things most definitely can be prevented, but if we prevent everything we would never learn a thing. Making mistakes is a huge... read that again, a huge part of what shapes us is the mistakes we make. Give yourself some grace and learn for the future. We cannot go over and over in our head what we have done wrong in our past and what we should have done for too long  because it doesn't change a thing and you will start to dwell and live there. Accept your mistake as part of life, part of your growth and move forward, lesson learned. Too many people live in their past and their mistakes and are really not present in the now or looking forward to their future. 

No one was hurt, the gate can be repaired and perhaps the little lesson that he learned will prevent something in his future from happening that he could never imagine possible if he hadn't learned it now. We may never know what that is because it won't happen, but we trust that we will be saved in a  situation in the future from what we learned from this one. 

Everyday when you wake up, be grateful that you woke up and strive to be better than the person you were yesterday and accept that you cannot move forward being better without those experiences and lessons. Turn them into something good. God needs us to help each other be better people, show not only others but ourselves Grace and live a life of Mercy through example. You cannot make someone be who they are, you can only lead by example as you can only ultimately control you, your thoughts actions and reactions. 

In old Testament bible language Grace comes from the word often showing up as "lovingkindness". Grace is a theme showing up in every book of the bible, something that connects and hang on every word you read. In the new testament it is a theme of goodwill through the undeserved gift of God to all of us once our sins have been erased through Jesus Christ. If God can give us the Grace needed to be forgiven over and over again, we can surly extend this to those in our life on a daily basis. 

For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.

– Hebrews 8:12

Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

– Proverbs 17:9

Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

– Luke 6:37

Trust Your Gut

Emotional exhaustion is real. Fear is real. People experience both of these and it is often not talked about as people really don't know how to respond. I spent over an hour on the phone yesterday with my cousin whose wife was just released from the hospital after battling Covid for 88 days! (they are my age) God is good. She is on a long road to full recovery but she is going to get there. Bless his heart for sticking by her every step of the way and fighting for her because I am sure he is exhausted too! We were able to talk deeply about how we both experienced our situations and the reality of what it felt like, some people may not understand or know how to respond to us... a few tears shed on my end... but for good and I am so glad we had the opportunity to connect. 

Paxton and I were suppose to land in Chicago yesterday afternoon. 10 days to visit our family. Go fishing, and just relax and do something different from our everyday adjustment. Shake it up a bit if you will. Healing comes in all types of scenarios and being with family who loves you is definitely part of healing. I had a few moments throughout last week where I felt extremely  uneasy about going. I wasn't sure if it was anxiety, intuition or a gut feeling at first. I actually dropped small hints to Paxton about maybe changing our plans to a later date. I was afraid the weather wouldn't cooperate, his first fishing experience there with his dad would be awful and I am not sure if I could handle the ramifications of that. 

This week, my mind has made me emotionally exhausted. Having 3 trades people have to reschedule on me in one week, who couldn't come last week, then worrying about being gone for 10 days- trying to get everything to fall into place to go on this trip, not being able to find a solid house sitter, and several other obstacles my stress levels were a tad higher than they have been lately, our kitty is still missing, my house is in disarray while my new flooring is being laid, going on this trip we take every two years for the first time without Steve, a busted water pipe in one of my horse pens... and two friends with strong feelings that I was being called to just stay here...from signs they received. 

The neighbors cat showed up on our patio and wouldn't leave. (it wouldn't let us get too close but Pax found reasons to believe it was ours, we didn't know it was the neighbors until later that night after we cancelled our flight... I knew it wasn’t our cat the minute I saw it but wanted to believe it was for Paxton so I did, PS and it was not a pregnant female, but a fat male- I honestly didn't know whether to laugh or cry) but there is a reason it showed up, pulling me back to stay. And then Paxton confessed he had the same nagging "gut" feeling we needed to stay home too, but was not telling me.  

Now gut feelings, intuition, inkling, hunch, sixth sense... whatever you call it.. it is real- you have to be tapped in and in tune with it, but when you are it reads like an open book on audio over and over in your mind. Sometimes even when we try to ignore our premonitions, they just don't go away. Sometimes they are so loud your tv shuts off for no reason just to get your attention.

 
I didn't really plan this time of year or think first about the fishing back there... I just shoved our trip in between 2 baseball tournament weekends, one day it is 26 degrees there the next it is 62... I haven't lived in the Midwest for 25 years... the things I don't think of on a daily basis anymore. If the freeze and thaw is extreme, it would be muddy, he wouldn't get to romp around wherever he wants on all the trails with my aunts golf cart and I was afraid he would get frustrated and bored, and didn't feel like this would be the best situation for teaching adaption, patience and acceptance, we are already living that on a daily basis. I just want it to be a great trip with much love, fun, relaxation and peace that is possible. And now we have no baseball to compete so we can definitely reschedule for summer. 

I knew my family would be bummed, we are too. I mean I cancelled my flight less than 12 hours before we needed to leave, thank God for Southwest's 10 minute before departure cancellation policy!  But I am almost certain, even if we never find out the reason why we couldn't go at this time, ( I feel like you are not always shown the reason, there just is one... that is Faith) that we are right where we need to be. We are not cancelling,  we are just in need of rescheduling this trip so that the timing is right.  So we will busy our spring break with things to get done around the house, (believe me there is never not something to do around our property,) lots of riding and time with the horse, spending time with amazing friends, some swimming ( not me, just the kids... I seriously need to heat my pool... lol.) maybe a little fishing, I won't have to miss the local florist's grand opening celebration at my new building in town.  2 Awesome Rodeos from Thursday-Sunday and who knows what will present us as the perfect opportunity to have not gone, I am ready to embrace this journey, no matter how much of a roller coaster it can seem like at times and  80+ degree weather cannot be beat for a spring break experience. Trust the timing of your life. It may come together more beautifully than you ever expected. 

"I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" (Jer. 29:11). In my experience, gut feelings are God's "thoughts of peace" to me. Without fanfare, still and small and strong, they come.

I can remember as far back as 11 years old having the gut feelings that I do. Sometimes they are much stronger than others. I can go in to deep conversations about it... not to bore you but to back up that it exists for those non-believers. While not every person who is intuitive experiences all of this, it is a good list of things intuitive people have in common. And I think all of us experience it to some degree, some people are just more tapped into it than others. If you stop and truly listen, this might be you. 

13 Absurdly Awesome Traits Of Highly Intuitive People

1. They Listen To And Obey Their Inner Voice. ...
2. They Closely Observe Their Surroundings. ...
3. They Pay Attention To Their Dreams. ...
4. They Are Acutely Aware Of Their Feelings. ...
5. They Can Quickly Center On The Now. ...
6. They Are Typically Optimistic Souls. ...
7. They Have A Strong Sense Of Purpose
8. They are Deep Thinkers
9. They take Note of Signs Provided by the Universe
10. They can Sense what others are Thinking/Feeling
11. They can easily Build Trust with Others
12. They are Creative and Imaginative
13. They Make Time to Find Peace with Their Circumstances

When Life Hands you a Curve Ball

                                     

What I have concluded in the last few days that really hit me hard is I am raising a mini- Steve. Did I know this previously, yes, it didn't hit me hard as something I didn't see coming, but I did have to acknowledge it finally. Does Paxton have some of my qualities yes, but the way he thinks, the anxieties he has, the way he processes and reacts to things are very similar to his father. Some of the things I wished I didn't have to deal with but at least I know how to handle after 23 years of being at his side. 

I took an Enneagram training on Tuesday that opened my eyes to my own personality attributes, to what Steve was and to what Paxton is. And although Steve and Paxton are not the same his tendencies are similar. Like me Paxton does love to help a true 2.... Unlike Steve, Paxton is a one a rule follower, he doesn't like it when someone bends the rules or does something they are not suppose to. I have known this for awhile. He is also a researcher a 5, like Steve, he wants to know he is getting the right thing the first time around. Steve was this to a T! I am not sure I knew anyone who put so much research and thought into everything they did before doing it. This was great for me, especially taking over all his hobbies, orchards, gardens, watering system, and the amount of tools we have (a little excessive but always prepared). His strengths set me up for success in his absence, even though sometimes I am lost at what to do with them. 

I have been told on several occasions that Paxton is well beyond his 12 years. Yes, he is still a kid, but his mindset can take you to someone much older sometimes. This can pose a problem when arguing with him or discipling him, because some of the things he thinks and does are not of a 12 year old mind, but I want to treat him as a 12 year old, because he is. This experience has just made it more prevalent. 

When my phone popped up on Tuesday with a random text that said "I need a break".... I knew what he was talking about, but I wanted to hear it from him. I have seen this coming for months and have tried to ignore and push him to play because of what I thought is best for him. He has voiced his concerns to his aunt, to a confidant of his and everyone has told him to play to make his dad proud. I feared him taking a break and never going back to it. I didn't want him to lose the one thing that was the biggest connection to his dad. He has lots of connections to Steve, fishing, welding, animals, golf, to name a few, but the baseball was something that was so prominent in our lives, I just couldn't bare the thought of loosing it. Maybe selfish on my part a little too. We thought he was going to have a break between fall and spring, but there were still practice type things that he was attending. So no "break" was actually there in his mind. I think that this has tipped him over the edge just a little. He sees all these other dads on a weekly basis with the boys and it is hard for him, and being new to this team last year, he really only played with one boy who knew Steve and the connection they had. He just needs time to process everything he has went through. I thought keeping his normal activities would be the best way for him to cope with everything. I was wrong. I have known for months that I was unnaturally pushing him in a direction because of what I thought was best. Personality profiling test like the one I took are definitely a good indicator and reminder that the golden rule may be to treat others like you want to be treated, but as I have said before on many occasion, people respond and perform better when they are treated the way they want to be treated. Let that sink in. 

I have one child and I am grateful. I do not envy those of you with multiples that you are trying to figure out on a daily basis plus a marriage or significant other's type. God surly did give me what I can handle in this case. We have actually had a rough couple days and I am completely exhausted from the stress and tension ( honestly I didn’t even think I had that many tears left inside me)  that coming to such a decision has caused for the both of us, but today I have felt a huge weight lift as I am certain I made the right decision for us, which through this journey thus far I have said several times is what I will be doing. No one is living our situation or life except the two of us. Those of you who know me well, know that I can be spontaneous but I am not rash. I carefully calculate a lot of the decisions I make and things I do and this was definitely one of those. I wouldn't recommend ever quitting something once it has been started, however there are always exceptions to every rule. 

Paxton's coach was more than receptive to the needs of Paxton over the needs of  the team, this exemplifies the traits of any good coach. As my friend said to me this morning," Dani, btw, you are doing the right thing, our job as parents is to make good humans, not good baseball players, start with that and the baseball will follow."

So for those of you who follow Paxton's baseball journey, know that we are hoping to resume in the Fall with the regularly scheduled program hoping his enlightenment, break and time to adjust and process without the weight of other outside pressures to perform, make him a better human, a better teammate and a better player.