8 weeks ago today I lost a man who was a huge part of my life for over 23 years. As I sat reading my bible and drinking my coffee this morning, my mind started to wander over to the things that I have been committing to in the past verses lately. Tears in my eyes I thought of the things I want to do, be a part of, follow-thru with be "normal." I want to BE the person I was in July. As hard as I want to stay that person ; the yes person, the person who is the first to volunteer and the last to ever back out or cancel on someone or something, the go-getter, do-all, remember everything, follow-up, card sender, positive light....
But try as I might I am not the person I was in July and I don't think I will ever find her again. Maybe parts of her and I hope the best ones will remain, but you see when Steve died a part of me died as well. I have been forever changed and no matter how hard I try I will never get her back. I was having a conversation with a friend of a friend who lost her husband 6 months ago. She was saying how her 2 kids had changed so much over the past 6 months and how much she realized she herself had changed. It almost scared me into trying to hold on to the old me. I have to realize I am NOT the old me. My world has been shaken and nothing will be "normal" again.
Normal is such a weird word. I had to look up the actual definition. the usual, average, or typical state or condition.
When you really consider it, who wants to be normal? I definitely don't consider myself average, and with the kind of job I have where things change constantly and every client is a new experience my life is far from usual. I love the challenge of new things, new people and new experiences. But you do settle into routines for a lot of the things that you do. You get comfortable. You get used to that person by your side who had their own passions, routines, and a role in your life. I had 23 years of having a normal together, changing together and experiencing life together. When those things all of a sudden have to be your responsibility or lost it breaks your heart. You want to carry on everything they loved in their honor, but realistically you can't!
My heart wants to continue carrying on all the hobbies and beautiful things that Steve did for our family and for our home, but my body, my mind and my soul has to let go of the things that will set us up for stress, anxiety and arguments in my household going forward. One being his beloved Tiff grass that he diligently and lovingly took care of. It will never look the same again. We don't have the skills, the time, the energy or the know how to make it what he did. For those of you who don't know it is a golf course green. The people who take care of golf courses have a set of skills that most typical landscapers do not possess. So finding someone who knows as much about our yard like Steve learned would be few and far between. Once Paxton's activities got to be more and Steve didn't want to miss a single memory to be made with him, over the years he got a little more lax in how he took care of it. Sometimes he would go a week without mowing and this type of grass is typically mowed every 2-3 days at our house. We put artificial turf in our backyard for a reason. After weeks of struggling with Paxton to mow and take care of it if he truly wanted to keep up the grass in honor of his dad... I think I finally won. We went 4 weeks! It looked awful and I was embarrassed but I had to just come to terms with the fact that we are NOT Steve and it will never be the same. Have I shed tears over it, you bet I have. It is something that I didn't want to change either, however I have come to terms with the fact that Steve would never want us or expect us to take care of things quite like he did. He had wonderful hobbies that contribute to our lifestyle but we cannot make them ALL our own or we would run ourselves into the ground with frustration, stress, and anxiety. We have our own passions and hobbies and interests we want to pursue as well. So hopefully in the next few weeks I can post a picture of our new grass that we will be able to enjoy for years to come, stress-free. We may tear up when we look at it, but the overall goal for what is right for Paxton and I will prevail.
My heart isn't in everything I do right now and that is ok. It is hard for me to admit that, but I am sure that I will get back my passion for the things I love and the passion to help people. Right now some days I don't even know if I can help myself so my confidence in being there for others has slowly decreased. Committing to doing things is super hard, because I just don't know how I am going to feel on any given day. Grief is a funny thing. I have lost many loved ones in my life and nothing compares to the loss of a spouse for me. For my in-law the loss of a son probably doesn't compare to any other loss they have experienced, or the loss of an only sibling to my sister-in-law as they were so close in the latter years and talked to each other probably every day. I may have lost my father early, but as I have said before, I was a girl who lost her dad who still had her mom, my loss was definitely not less traumatic than Paxton losing his dad, but different! We are all different and handle things differently. Those of you who have experienced grief I am sure can paint your own picture with your experience that is unique to you.
We will all change. Life changes, circumstances change. Don't be afraid to change into someone else. Our bodies change, our minds change, we grow, we develop, we gain new interests and let go of old ones. This too is OKAY. It may be scary, it may not be what we thought our lives would look like at a certain point, but unless we embrace the changes at some point, we will all be stuck. I never want to be stuck. I may linger for a little bit, be resistant to what is coming, and hesitate a little longer on the decisions and choices going forward, but I am still here with my 12 year old son and we have plenty of life left to live and I hope that the choices we make going forward make our lives those that we are meant to live, contribute, love and make this world somehow a better place.
Paxton just woke as I was writing this and he sat down at the kitchen table with tears in his eyes. His dream was so real he said, he dad came back and was completely part of his dream like a normal day on vacation that we shared with one another. He said in the dream he was so excited like his dad was here to stay. But Steve told him that he could not, he could only visit and my heart broke for him, watching the tear stream down his face. I am glad that these dreams are so real for him, even though they may be heartbreaking when he wakes up, he will forever be reminded of how much he meant to his dad and how proud he is of him from the past and how proud he can make him in his future. He is a good kid and I have faith that he will do great things.
No, this isn't where I saw my life in July, but this is reality and it is ours as a family, unique to us where we are free to dream, create and develop a life we want to live going forward. A lot of people refer to it as your "New Normal" Sometimes that phrase makes me cringe. I don't want a "new" normal, but then again I can't have the old one so instead we must embrace our lives going forward and make them our own, challenges, obstacles and heartbreaks aside, we definitely will handle this.
