Try Something New

Yesterday I woke up and while having my coffee started working on the computer to gather information for a few clients, look up some comps and houses and get started with my day. Never did I expect to see a puffy eyed little boy retreat from his room with tears streaming down his face, as he came toward me crying he exclaimed, mom I just had the best dream. The best dream? What you are crying? He had a dream that his dad was laying beside him and when he woke up he wasn't there. Gosh that hits my chest like a knife. I immediately comforted him and reassured him that his dad is always here. He is in the things we look at, he is in the things we do and he is inside of us. I told Paxton he came to visit to reassure Paxton he would be ok, we will make it through this adjustment and he will always be by our side no matter what lies ahead. 

Paxton and I made a pact a few weeks ago to start doing cardio together, PE if you will for home school. He has also decided that he wants to make better food choices which I knew he would eventually do, I was trying not to make a big deal of him gaining weight because he didn't need one more thing to worry about and consume his mind. If he is anything like his dad, it has to be his idea to work. I am so glad he recognized it. He also wanted to get back into boxing to be in better shape for baseball season which is approaching fast. We discussed and wrote down our goals and made our promises to one another, because we are in this together and need each other's support. 

After I did my work stuff and he finished his school assignments we had a mother son day. Boot Barn to use his gift card, Red Robin for lunch and then boxing. He did so good for not going for 2 months. I absolutely love his instructor. He is young and motivating for him and really knows how to praise when he does something correct! I really think that this is how Paxton responds the best and it is encouraging to watch how hard he tries and how much effort he puts into getting into the workout. We are back on track for Paxton to make this baseball season work for him. I think he was pumped from Sunday when both his coach and his hitting coach praised him for how strong he is. Sometimes it is the compliments that get us moving forward and continuing to do the things we enjoy. 

Which brings me to last night. First off I want to say that when you have been drinking you probably shouldn't promise things to others, but in this case I am so glad I did. Several weeks ago when I went out I promised my friend Michelle that I would take country dancing lessons with her. I had remembered I said that, but I wasn't quite sure why. I am probably one of the most uncoordinated people ever. Steve and Paxton make fun of the way I jump on the trampoline and please don't take an aerobics class with me, I am a mess trying to time and maneuver all of these steps and put them together, fast paced. UGH! 

But after last night I am thoroughly convinced, just like I have said my whole life about school, it has more to do with how you learn and who is teaching you.  When she mentioned it was country swing and not line dancing (I have lined danced a little in my day, a long time ago, but still) she wasn't sure if I would be ok with having the partner part. Bless her heart to think of me, but I decided why not, what did I have to loose, I am not looking to hook up with anyone, just learn how to dance, plus I was supporting her getting out of her comfort zone as well and that is what friends are for.  I could sit home and work, read or watch some Netflix or I could go and try to have a good time, it is what you make of it right? 

We got there and it is a huge ballroom, we were early and trying to decide if we take the beginner class and then the intermediate right after or just beginner. We both agreed to see how it went and go from there. I made sure with Paxton if we took both it was ok to be home a little later than I promised and he said he didn't care. I love that he supports his mom doing things! He is an amazing kid and well beyond his age. The butterflies in my stomach when they had everyone partner up, it was a weird feeling but I was determined to learn something new so I went with it. There were an odd number of men to women so some of us girls had to take turns. This was fine, I watched the instructor intently trying to figure out when it was my turn if I was going to crash into the partner or step on his toes... believe me all legit concerns, I constantly was looking at my feet trying to make sure I was mimicking the moves of the instructor, one guy showed up early for the next class and worked with me a little more than I was getting to figure out getting down some of the beginner two step. It was a little awkward, but I survived. 

I didn't really want to do the next class, I felt WAY out of my comfort zone, but I knew she would like to even though she insisted it was ok for us to leave (love you girl!), so I said I could just watch, a girl she knew came also and then we were all standing around waiting on the next class when a guy she knew didn't have a partner and grabbed my hand. I firmly believe he seriously was put there by God at that moment to put me into a comfort zone and allow me to learn outside the box. He explained the concept of music and timing (this I understood as I played instruments growing up)  and the steps in such a way that it made sense to me. I closed my eyes instead of looking at my feet, trusted him and followed his lead and by the time we left I think I had it down pat enough to want to go back. I was excited for accomplishing what I set out to do and excited that I learned it in a way that worked for my learning style. Not to say I may not have gotten it eventually with someone else leading, however, with the rate of the prior class to be honest I was ready to give up and watch, remember. The feeling I had when the class was over really will stay with me for awhile, and honestly can apply to other areas of my life, and business. Would I win a contest, probably not, but I had soooo much fun, because I allowed myself  to relax and let go and not think so much. 

I thanked him at the end for his gracious teaching style and putting up with my beginner instincts and told him that it reminded me of when Paxton's boxing instructor tells him to not think about the combinations and just do them. When Paxton allows them to be natural, he is much faster, accurate and doesn't mess up. When he thinks about them, he stumbles. That is exactly how I felt in that moment. 

Sometimes in life we think to much, we overthink, we worry, we fret, we make up things in our head that don't exist or will never happen, we put limits on ourselves for the things we can do and accomplish and it stands in our way not only of maybe doing or being something great, but it can cause us to be less happy. We don't always think, learn or do something the same way as everyone else, but when you can find your way you should go with it. You will never know your limits until you try and you will never succeed fully filled with doubt. Believe in yourself. Everyone in my business talks about having a word for the year. Mine this year would be CONFIDENCE.  Which will definitely be a topic for another blog. 

Go forth and enjoy your week, get out of your comfort zone, you never know what it will bring, try something new, help someone else learn something new. Just relax and enjoy life... because not everyday is Great, but you can find something great in everyday. 

Proverbs 27:17 ESV  

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.

The Fruit of Gratefulness

 When your day doesn't quite start out on a happy note...how do you turn it around? What kid loves to do chores? I would say most of them do not. But when you live on a mini ranch with lots of animals and land and THINGS there is just stuff that need to be taken care of and can't be put off continuously.  Yesterday was the day to get caught up and get things done. We were out of town last weekend and pretty busy this past week.  Waterers needed to be scrubbed out, trash thrown away, items put in the proper location, weeds removed, poop needed to be scooped, the house vacuumed, lots of laundry, tack shed swept out, porches swept, things taken out to the shed.... and on and on... Not a 10 minute job. I tried to be silly and make it fun, but I know all he could think about was when we could be done and he could play with his friends, and his irritation with my whimsical attitude showed. Typical kid thing in my book. So as we argued, I was in the chicken coop and noticed an orange out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't help but get excited and decided to completely turn the edgy situation around the best I knew how. I used it as an opportunity to show that you can be grateful in any situation and turn your crappy mood into a slightly more cheery one. The rest of the day went seamlessly, because I chose to reside in the good. 

Paxton was reluctantly scooping poop and I went over and grabbed his hand and said, put that scooper down and come with me, with a frustration in his voice he demanded why, I softly said (with love in my heart that I hope reflected in the look I gave him), just come with me. He grabbed my hand and followed me into the citrus grove and I showed him the one blood orange and cluster of lemons on his dad's trees...he showed me the blooms and sprouts of new fruit... a sign of promise.  Our first "crop" since they had been planted 3 years prior. He immediately got excited.. He said, I didn't think we would have any until I was like 15! I said that I bet your dad knew we needed them now. He apologized for his crabbiness and I apologized for yelling at him. (sometimes my patience level is low and my expectations of him at only 12 years old, tends to be a little high). I explained as I have had to do several times since his dad passed away, that I really rely on his help, cause I can't run this place by myself... he is normally a really good, caring and helpful child, but sometimes I have to remember he is just a child. They are going to be a little selfish, want to do their own thing and not always want to do what their parents ask...  it is just part of being a child. Heck, sometimes as an adult we don't want to do the things we have to do. I do feel he is very mature for his age for the most part, but he is NOT an adult and although I want to raise him to be a good adult, that takes time and I truly believe he is on the right track, but I definitely need to give him some room to be a child. 

I remember when my dad died when I was 14 that I grew up fast, my mom got a second job, she worked a lot. I got my driver's license 6 months early at 15 an a half. I made my own dinner a lot or ate at friends houses more often then I probably would have liked. I always thought I made good decisions, was mature beyond my years and had to grow up a little faster than a lot of the other kids I knew, which included much more responsibility.  I often felt I was 2nd in my mom's world, at the time, especially to her phone, real estate, clients, her waitress/management job, but now know I was first and that is why she sacrificed so much and worked so hard, because everything she did she did it for me. I just wished what we had was more time. I probably could have lived in a cardboard box but I am glad her standards for us exceeded that. 

I have struggled in my pre and post married life, no one lives a fairytale, no matter how hard we try, we have had hard times financially over the years and I am glad that we were able to maneuver through it and be determined enough to reach a different place before Steve died than my parents were in.  I am glad that I went to college, glad I made a career for myself for the last 20 years that I am definitely in a different situation and place than my mom was and I am truly grateful for that and for more quality time spent with my son, then perhaps she was able to have for me. I am who I am because of it and I don't think I would go back and choose a different adventure like you could in the books I read in grade school. I remember choosing an adventure and you would skip to page 23 or 34 or 45 and then you could go back and read it differently to the end over and over picking different endings. I think if we knew how things would end we wouldn't always pick the path we chose, but because we can't go back and choose our ending, we just have to make the best decision with what we have and move forward. My story played out just the way it was suppose to and maybe I went through what I did to help Paxton through what he has to go through, no matter how much I could "what if" it turned out differently, somethings are beyond our control. 

Remember if you follow my blogs I am a Hallmark girl through and through... Not to brag but I probably could have written 90% of them... hahaha.. We can choose how we react to things we are given without asking for them, because believe me if I wrote this story, Steve would still be here. I am huge romantic and advocate of happy endings, the hero doesn't die. But this is what I was handed and all I know how to do is to make the most of it. 

 I truly believe that I will make poor decisions and some mistakes along the way raising him, but I pray to God every night he leads me in the right direction for the path that Paxton needs from me to truly thrive and serve his God in the best possible way he can, that I am guided to help him find his passion and purpose, and support that the best I can, and that he is always honest with me (if not at first, eventually), knows he can come to me no matter what and that our bond will never be broken. It's ok young ladies, I know someday he will find someone who he will bond with that will be stronger than his mom bond but in a different way, and that is why I pray for her every night as well, whoever she may be, and that they will have an amazing marriage and her and I will respect one another. My mom had me pray for my future husband every night when I was growing up and I believe God brought me Steve for that reason. I also pray that I am soft but firm, supportive but not too quick to give in to every want, a good teacher, a phenomenal example, a spiritual connector, and his biggest cheerleader. Someone who can teach him to be humble but confident, assertive but patient, joyous but reasonable, faithful but not vulnerable, and passionate but full of self-control. 

Galatians 5:22 says: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

Women of Strength and a Tiffany Box

 

So I thought I would be writing my next blog after coming off a roller coaster weekend... about my weekend. (until I experienced today) The first trip to our cabin in 6 months, the first trip since Steve died, a birthday weekend for my mom and Steve.... and all the emotions lying in between. It started with dogs breaking then licking clean a glass jar of nacho cheese, glass and blood everywhere, 2 calls to emergency vets, bleeding mouths and noses and a loaf of bread later... safe to say they both seem fine now!  THANK GOD! I don't think another loss right now would be manageable. A 12 year old's mental breakdown afraid he may loose a dog, or two to swallowed glass,  UGH! What a stressor. We all survived. We experienced some crying a lot of laughter, good company, some sledding and lots of fun playing games. In all it turned out to be as good as a weekend as expected given the circumstances. 

On to being back home, school, work, laundry, household chores, life.... A class at my office that no one showed up for which ended up in Michelle and I taking down Christmas décor putting up Valentine's and scoping out an upcoming great opportunity... details later if it works out... and me driving all the way to Scottsdale to decorate a table that I sponsored for today's Women of Strength Event. Getting home at 7 pm, and missing Paxton's speed and agility class! Still trying to get the hang of this single mom thing. 

I have been to this event in the past, but this is the first year that I actually sponsored a whole table of ten women, coming together to be inspired by other women. These women's stories that are guest speakers are so inspiring, uplifting, powerful and amazing, tear jerking for sure and I was super excited to be such a part of this event. They sure remind me to be grateful. 

When I arrived to decorate yesterday the first thing I thought of when looking upon some of the tables decorated already is that my intent was way too simple for some of these extravagant table themes. I was sort of embarrassed at first.  All I can say is WOW. I quickly realized that just like grieving, everyone's decorating skills vary and to different degrees.  So although I may have felt my table was less extravagant then others, it was not inferior. As Women of Strength none of us should be judging others anyway. Women of Strength celebrate other women, are the first to be excited for their good news and are their biggest cheerleaders. In an industry of hot competition, my motto has always been, you gain more success, by helping others succeed! I have never been a secret keeper and have given my secrets away when asked how I got to where I am. I am not sure they are secrets, as much as trial and error and what worked and didn't work for me in my path to where I am now. I have always had time for a cup of coffee or lunch when I have had someone ask to pick my brain and that is the way it should be. There is plenty of business to go around and you have to realize that not everyone is the right client or agent for one another. And that is OK. 

I proceeded to decorate my table just as I had intended, only running to Hobby Lobby for some ribbon to tie my table guests gifts together at their place setting to give it a more finished look, and borrowing a little glitter from a neighboring table friend. Satisfied with my finished project I left and made the hour trip home. And I received lots of compliments... sometimes I think our inferiority is also just in our head. 

I was super excited to hear what the guest speakers had to say and decided to text all my guests and tell them that I was grateful that they would attend and be able to be inspired by these women and that I was confident that they would each take home something that they needed to hear the next day. And because I have attended these sessions before I made sure to tell everyone if it was an option, choose your waterproof mascara!  I am a firm believer that sometimes God puts you in the right place at the right time to hear what he needs you to. Not everyone probably took the same message from the two lovely ladies who spoke, but they took away what they needed to justify giving up 3 hours of their day to be there and accompany me and listen with intent, besides taking home cool gifts.  Both stories were very powerful and I would love to share them with you however this space is definitely not long enough for their messages to be effective. If you are interested in hearing what I received from their motivational talks, feel free to call me because I am inspired enough to tell you all about it, and more than happy to share. I could tell you stories about boxes that you could relate to. 

I was super excited to see old friends and business acquaintances that I hadn't seen in awhile and the attendance of about 485 women and 15 men! The most exciting part and the to this minute still unbelievable but awesome honor was to have a paragraph read about your presence lighting up a room, always having a smile on your face, being there for those around you, always knowing what someone needs, being the first to offer help, being a positive influence,  a good mentor and an amazing leader and then having your name called as a recognized influential women in your industry... leaving you speechless... literally, I had no idea what I said, but I know it wasn't very inspiring... lol - and I will tell you that is when you know you are a writer and not a speaker, and then put on the spot is not a good place to be, because I was shaking and had absolutely no idea what to say.  It was so unexpected that I didn't have a second thought, was not able to write it down ahead of time and had no right words to express my gratitude, because it was taking forever to sink in that my name was actually called. To be honored, loved, respected and thought of in such a high regard is probably one of the most awesome compliments you can receive especially in a room of 500 people! Wow! I am seriously still dumbfounded, but very appreciative. 

I have always felt like my calling in life is to serve others. I wake up in the mornings to ask God to send me the people he needs me to help the most, they are not always paid clients. Through the people I meet and the experiences I have I look for a way to find the right connection and to know when to reach out to people when they need it the most. I love to give back and I love to just give.  One of the men today said it best, that when God gives us shoulder taps (that little voice urging us to call, connect or reach out to someone whether we know them or they are a stranger) we should listen to that and act upon it. Connection is powerful.  I try to be a good friend and someone who can tune into situations and circumstances, feelings and read others needs. Sometimes it is just a text of hello, kind words, or encouragement, sometimes it is helping someone figure out a solution to a problem, sometimes it is giving a different perspective on a situation at hand, sometimes it is mentoring them through a deal, noticing when something is off and reaching out to see if I can help, lending a  listening ear, helping a client connect with a new home or land, or bringing 2 people together that one needs a service.  I have been called a connector, a mentor, a leader in the past, but being recognized for doing what I do just because that is who I am, is truly an honor! And what a beautiful gift I received, what women could refuse something in a Tiffany box. 

I thank all of the people who nominated me, who see me for who I am, who have supported me when I needed it the most over the past few months of these difficult times and for seeing the best in me over the worst, the good in me over the bad, and the sparkle over the flaws, the smile over the tears. The professional over the hot mess.  I truly feel that I am my best when I put others first, when I lead by a good example and when God sends me the people who need to be in my life at just the right time whether it is helping them or me, his divine set up justifies my efforts to make others feel His presence and His love. 

Although I know that I am not the same person I was 6 months ago and I never will be again, as I lost a huge part of myself, not all of me is gone, and the best parts are here to remain, with some minor changes allowing me the flexibility for a little more self-care, including the strength to say no to the things I don't want to do, or don't enjoy, and prioritizing my list to include more actual presence in the things I do at hand, especially with Paxton. Saying yes all the time and multi-tasking can sure have its benefits but it is often filled with many flaws. My challenge to myself this year is to have more confidence in myself, my abilities and capabilities, and who I am as a Women of Strength, because honestly after today I have a standard to live up to, if not exceed, and I am not about to disappoint. 

And Blessed is she who believed there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her by the Lord. Luke 1:45

Who is Your Design Consultant?

 

I bought these old windows from a Realtor friend of mine who was selling them on Facebook. I was scrolling through Facebook in line at Disneyland and I just had to have them. Sometimes I just have the urge to have something even when I am not quite sure why. 

 In a previous blog I mention that I was re-doing my bedroom and with that comes every piece of furniture, decoration, paint, blinds and flooring. The only thing I held onto was the TV and ceiling fan(for now unless I see a fan that speaks to me.)  As my new space comes together in my head, I am eager to get it into actual reality, and sometimes my patience level weakens when I am exploding with excitement. I can sure be patient showing 111 houses before someone buys one, but sometimes when I am determined to get something,  I want it NOW.  There is something about remodeling a space that gets me excited for my future. It gives me Hope that I can be happy again.  And right now every little hope, laugh, encouragement and success is pushing me forward and helping me heal. 

I had my room painted this week, and yes I painted my whole house by myself at one point, 2 houses in fact, but there comes to be a certain point in life if you can afford to have someone else do it, it will save you time and sometimes hassle and frustrations. You all know that I now have a special outdoor space to enjoy. Yesterday I wanted to tackle two projects to get my "new" bedroom moving along in the direction of  my indoor retreat. A space that is for me created by me... with a little help from my "design consultant" friend who I bounced my ideas off of. She seems to keep me grounded in most ways without me making quick and/or impulsive decisions that I will want to change in a year or so. I am grateful for that despite my excitement to see the results when it all comes together. 

I wanted to hang my windows, of which only a few chard pieces of glass remain, a few more fell out when picked up and unfortunately Aidan lost his balance on our stoop in the garage and his foot landed smack dab in the middle of the pile of panes...I wasn't too upset as the broken pieces of glass still remaining in the window reminds me that there are a lot of broken pieces in our lives that we just can't seem to put back together but we can find other solutions to still making something look great on the outside or even our inside! 

I knew how I wanted the windows hung but needed a little phone guidance and support, thanks Robert. You see I had a really handy father, a mother who was pretty independent once he died and figured things out (except for the mice issues- she was so afraid of mice it was almost funny, they are tiny little beings so I never understood her fear, but it was hers to have- we had a 100 year old farmhouse and we basically co-existed. I had to set the traps and dispose of them for her, I’m not sure who she called when I moved to Arizona) and I married a man that was probably as handy as my father, if not more so. Not to say I can't figure things out on my own, but sometimes you just don't want to. I am not necessarily one of those people who has to prove they can do something. Don't get this confused with being lazy, as I definitely am not that! 

I bought some eyelets and wire to attached to the back of the windows, measured, measured again, changed out wire that wasn't long enough, tightened and tighten it again until it worked. These windows are so old it was a bit of a struggle as the wood has been very weathered and quite soft. At first I tried picture hangers and didn't like the results because when the window was level you could see the hanger and it definitely wasn't center, this would drive my OCD nuts and Robert assured me Steve's ghost would be pissed.. hahaha.. .and I sure as heck don’t want windows falling off my wall in the middle of the night because he didn't agree. Steve always used anchors in the wall when hanging things and so I figured if I tried that and it didn't work it wasn't something a little patch and paint couldn't fix if I messed up. To my delight, it worked, you couldn't see what the window was hanging from, they fit into one another perfectly as they should, and I even got them level. I was so proud of myself for staying patient and completing this one on my own. 

Now when it came to putting together my bed that came in a box in probably 100+ pieces, Paxton and Aidan to the rescue. One of the baseball mom's said it best on my post yesterday, seeing all those pieces gives her anxiety... yes, me too, me too!! My delegation skills took over and I moved on to working on my computer and making dinner instead! Paxton has enough knowledge and experience from Steve in his 12 years of existence and having a best friend who is 2 years older than him kind of helps too... I knew they could figure it out and this allowed less stress on my body and mind. 

We as humans don't have to be good at everything, in fact I think it is virtually impossible. Sometimes you need to delegate the things you don't like to do, and be at peace with that. We don't always have to prove something. Like I said in my Facebook post, I don't read blueprints or diagrams well, could I have figured it out... I am 100% positive I could, but why? The amount of time and stress it would have caused me to say I did it wasn't worth it to me. It reminds me about going to Grad school, could I have done it and proven that I could have gotten a Master's degree, you bet, I am smart enough, but even though I started the program twice... getting another degree to prove a point that I could wasn't important enough to me to go through the time and stress and struggle or cost, and I chose Me. 

My interior design consultant friend gave me the idea that maybe putting framed black and white photos strategically placed in my window panes of broken glass could be an option. I thought how fun it might be to do some scenery shots of places I have been. Remember this room of mine is mine alone and I decided there would be no pictures of people in it, my living room and hall are filled with those. As my little niece mentioned to me yesterday which I thought was the best thing she could have said at the time when I was relaying the picture idea. " Oh that is such a cool idea, you can look through your window and remember all the places you have been." Yes my dear, that is right, those places that bring back memories of where I have been with the people who mean the most would definitely be something that brings happy thoughts to my day and would be a great addition to my retreat. Because even though going forward things look different and I will never be the same person I was before Steve died my experiences make me who I am today and those will always be treasured. 

The view from our windows are usually different, what comes easy for one may be hard for another, what is desired by one may not be desired by another.  Just as when I look out the window and see white fluffy clouds and a bright blue sky, your window view may bring a dreary rainy day. Both of our days can be equally joyful and successful if we choose to find the good in our storm. You can use your past or present or fear of the future to clout or clear your heart and mind and soul. It is definitely your choice. Put God in the center of your choices, make Him your biggest design consultant and I promise you will look at life a lot differently. 

Proverbs 3:6

"Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." (NLT)

You can learn a lot from people who view the world differently than you do. - Anthony J. D'Angelo

We don't see things as they are, we see them as they are. -Anais Nin

The way we chose to see the world creates the world we see. -Barry Neil Kaufman

Be Confident in Your Choices

 I was speaking to a friend the other day and we were discussing the difference between deciding and choosing. It was actually a really good conversation. It was definitely a lot longer conversation and much deeper then this example. Sometimes our conversations are frustrating, but I love to be challenged to think deeper.  I love when people can help me get my brain working to allow me to look at things with a different perspective. You can never stop learning or improving. 

TO DECIDE: make a choice from a number of alternatives.

TO CHOOSE: pick out or select (someone or something) as being the best or most appropriate of two or more alternatives.

His example: Pick Chocolate or Vanilla

Vanilla- why? Because I like the taste of it better. (I decided the best out of another alternative)

Vanilla- why? Because I chose vanilla. (confident in choice with no reason to explain) 

I was able to come to the conclusion that a decision is based off of reason and a choice is what you decide.  So in other words when you chose verses decide, you don't need to have a reason, you are confident in your choice. God wants us to be confident in our choices. 

In church on Sunday the message aligned with what we had spoken about and expanding on the fact that we can choose to find joy even in the midst of suffering. This life is not for us to find perfection, it is for us to find HOPE, despite suffering and find GOD. Not a God we fear but of one we have a relationship with. You will suffer, it is inevitable, everyone dies, that is inevitable, it is what we do with what we have while we are here that makes the most difference. If you have Christ in your heart, you are prepared for anything you face, because you can handle the hard, even when it is tough, even when you are scared, even when you feel less than qualified to do so. You can choose to rejoice in what God provides despite suffering. My friend I went to church with pointed out that she sees that in my Character, that I am a prime example of what the Pastor was discussing and this made my heart warm. My intentions are to put God first in everything I do, that is not what always happens, but that is what I always come back to and want to make center of my life. 

I actually woke up yesterday morning, confident in moving forward, grateful for everything and motivated to make a difference. I was ready to tackle everything that was sent my way, my ever growing to-do list and allow less distractions to divert me from the present.  I was confident enough in my decision not to send Paxton back to in person school just yet, that when asked even though I caught myself starting to give a list of reason "why" I decided this, I remembered my decision verses choice conversation and was confident enough to say, because that is what I chose. (no explanation needed)

We all tend to feel the need to explain our decision and this can really be tiring. We find reasons and excuses and justifications. Why can't we just chose to do something because that is our choice. We explain why we are late, apologize for things that are beyond our control, feel the need to say why our house is a mess or our car hasn't been washed, or why we don't want to do something. Please don't confuse this confidence with not weighing my options... I definitely weigh my options internally and maybe ask a friend or two for advice (even if I don't take it), but once I make a choice I need to be confident in it and not feel the need to explain it. If you notice a lot of people explain their decision or choice automatically without even being asked. I am confident that it is not necessary. 

Here is to God guiding me in many more choices that I have the confidence to make without having to give my reason. If I am confident in what I chose there should be no questioning by me why I chose it.
People will continue to question my choices, especially now and that is ok. I can handle anyone's questioning, doubt, or worry about the decisions I make because they are mine alone to make. I know we all know the saying about living a day in someone else's shoes. Unfortunately this is figurative and not something we can actually do... we can give all the advise we have based on knowledge, expertise and prior experiences, but we cannot choose how someone else lives, or even begin to know what they are experiencing or feeling. We can have empathy for them, but we are not living their life. 

If you are confident in what you choose, you should find peace, you are vested in God and his guidance and in tune with what your purpose is, there should be no doubting yourself, even when others might.  

Romans 5 1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Being Present is a Present

 On the Eve of the day that my mom passed away 7 years ago, I sit here remembering the week we had prior to. In the 6 months we knew she was sick up to Christmas she had never been hospitalized until then. I remember how hard it was to leave her to go to Christmas at Steve's family. But I did because that is what she asked of me. I remember bringing her home after Christmas on Hospice and having her in my home for 10 days. I remember how weak she was and helpless. She was always so strong and independent and I know how hard it was for her to rely on people when she just wanted to be able to do everything herself. I remember having to go show a few houses and that Steve had to help her up and to the bathroom and how hard that probably was for both of them, her in such a vulnerable state and him having to assist her.  I remember her falling that week while my uncle was here and cutting her head on a Hunter Dan gun that Paxton had leaning up against a chair in the kitchen that fell at the same time and  broke her fall when she fell piercing the back of her skull. I remember the ER doctor saying that saved her from dying from the fall ( I think God knew I couldn't handle that cause of death), although we never did tell Paxton what she fell on. I remember using Helichrysum oil and that the Hospice nurses couldn't get over how fast her head wound was healing as her body began more quickly dying. 

That evening when she died we were all home. I remember the funeral home director brought Paxton a stuffed animal and waited with us until they transport could pick her up, it was hours. We watched multiple episodes of Ridiculousness with everyone finding a laugh here and there. We knew if was coming, death is inevitable, but even when you are prepared it still hurts those who are left behind. 

The biggest thing that I remember was Steve bringing me home an orchid plant the next day. I am not certain where Paxton or my Uncle were, but I distinctly remember him standing at the end of my counter, telling me that he was so proud of the person that I was, and he wished he could be half of the person I was in generosity and kindness and empathy. I remember at the time thinking it was not that big of a deal, that is who I am. I am here to serve others, and I just do it without thinking about doing it sometimes. 

I remember him telling me that his biggest fear was leaving Paxton without a dad, being young and dying for some reason and Paxton not having a dad to teach him things and grow up how he saw fit. I remember telling him my biggest fear was losing the people that I love, after all the people so close I had already lost up to that point, I was more afraid to lose my loved ones then to die myself. This conversation in all its entirety has come back to me over and over again in my head... did we somehow both know this was inevitable, was this a premonition and we didn't even realize it.  Our biggest fears coming to fruition, just a few years later? Was it fear or intuition? I don't know, and I never will and it doesn't matter now, because you cannot rewind life, you can only go forward. 

He did show an increase in empathy for awhile after my mom passed and also became a little softer than that Steve I was used to having around. When Steve went into the hospital in those days before he could no longer communicate with us, we prayed ALOT together, and still said what we were grateful for. I remember thinking that maybe this is God's way of waking him up to become the spiritual leader of my home, and I remember telling a few people that thought. I remember Steve telling me before he could no longer communicate with me that he prayed that if God brought him home, he would be a better Father and Husband and person. He was a great Father and Husband, he wasn't being punished for anything I know that in my gut, but I was still grateful that he said it.  I prayed for it, I prayed for healing... for a few weeks I really thought this was a thing that would work out in our favor, until I didn't, until I felt he wasn't coming home, until I told him on the phone they held up to his ear, that he could go, I would release him no matter how hard it would be.  Sometimes the Holy Spirit speaks to you and you have to come up with a different plan. Not the one that included all your hopes and dreams and future your mind creates, but the one that is actually prepared for you. A plan that may not have been on your agenda. See that is the thing, we have choices in life, but we don't always get the agenda, so when it doesn't align with the one we set everything is turned upside down. The things you work so hard to create, may not come with the end results you imagined and that is where adjusting can be a lot more difficult then you ever anticipated. 

Steve was never the spiritual leader of our household, I was, but it worked. Prayer was important in our family and saying what we were grateful for at night during dinner or before bed became a tradition for the 3 of us years ago. Steve's answers were almost always good. I remember sometimes they were silly as if he just really couldn't think of anything at the moment, and we would laugh, but it was still something to be grateful for. Being grateful is really a priority. There are so many many things to be grateful for despite the bad. Everyday may not be great, but we can chose to find something to be grateful for everyday. Since Steve has passed, Paxton and I have not kept that as a routine, it is more sporadic these days. I need to make it a point to go back to our habit. 

A week or so ago I was in a good mood and Paxton was dwelling on all these negative emotions. I as I always have when someone chooses to think negatively, try to get them to find a positive in their situation. He backlashed with "mom, this is obviously easier for you to get over then me, you must not be sad anymore...I am sorry it is so hard for me to be happy" It stung, his words. I immediately had to defend myself. Just because I was in a good mood doesn't mean I am not sad, angry, hurt, lonely or devastated. I am not over this, this isn't easy, I have just been through a lot heartache and death in my 42 years and I will have my moments... lots and lots of moments- the tears are streaming down my face as I type this.  I just know I cannot continue to live in them every minute of every day. And taking a different approach to explaining that seemed to work for him. We hugged and he told me that he would be ok. And, I know he will. 

For those of you who may have or are going through a similar situation, the "what if's" will always come. The replaying of situations, words spoken, what if's, and regrets of things said or not said, will always seem to find space in our mind... but we can't allow those to take over.  For those of you who have survived a death, congratulations you are still here. Your time isn't up, there is still work to do, you have some purpose, figure it out, put your best foot forward, and do something the person you lost would be proud of you for. You can't live in fear, sadness and regrets or you and probably everyone around you will be miserable. Some people may chose that path, but I will tell you it isn't going to work either.  God's goal is not for us to live miserable in this life but it also isn't for us to be rewarded yet, that is to be saved for our next home. 

This brings me to the point of this post. When we were eating dinner the night we got home from Disneyland, Paxton said he was grateful that I was there. In his words he was grateful that I was present on our trip. That for 4 days I wasn't so heavily involved in my phone and work that I was just going through the motions instead of truly being involved and enjoying Disneyland and the company we were with. As I reflect on that I was grateful. I didn't really actually do it with intention, I just wasn't super busy with work this past week, but it did make me realize that we often think we are putting our family first by working our butts off and trying to please everyone else so we can have the money to spend on our families and the time for trips to take them on, but if we are not fully present in the moment with them during that time, we may as well not even be there. 

Be conscious of your phone time, your work schedule, your availability to your family and friends. Listen with intention and speak with purpose. You may physically be there, but if your mind isn't there or you are not focused or actually listening or committing to be involved in what is going on in your immediate path, those around you will take notice and the scars you may create while thinking you are doing a good thing by being able to multi-task or provide for your family can negatively outweigh the positive result of that one more client, one more sale, one more saved recipe from tick-tock.. you get my drift. 

Be present, that is the present. 

Romans 12:2 ESV 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.