balance verses harmony

 

Alright, here we go again with my research. When I compare something, it makes more sense when I can see what the difference is, so it makes it worth looking it up.  I wanted to know the differences between balance and harmony. I mean I know what I thought the difference was but what does the dictionary say?

What’s the definition for balance?

noun. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight, amount, etc. something used to produce equilibrium; counterpoise. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.

What is the best definition of harmony?

noun, plural har·mo·nies. agreement; accord; harmonious relations. a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity. Music. any simultaneous combination of tones.

 

A Facebook friend of mine posted something last week and it spoke to me as being very profound that I and others could incorporate in our lives to maybe think outside of our box and the way that we are conditioned to believe things are supposed to be, something more purposeful to strive for, harmony.

I don’t know how many of you are like me and have been told all our lives to prepare for the future, plan ahead, and make sure to balance our lives. Balance health, religion, home life, relationships, work, exercise, hobbies and all the other things going on simultaneously.

This is one thing I have struggled with, especially over the past year and a half, is trying to balance everything in our new life. Grieving, living, health, sadness, happiness, work, school, accomplishments, activities, relationships both maintaining and building new ones and all the other things that are still going on in our daily lives even though we are grieving, everything around us didn’t stop and we shouldn’t either. But balancing it all and not falling apart or failing miserably at times, making mistakes, and learning new things at the same time, finding what makes us happy, and still serving others, being kind and loving to one another is a true juggling act. I have been stressing how I want to be able to balance things out for our lives to run more smoothly and for us to find an acceptance going forward to make our lives enjoyable and particularly less exhausting emotionally with all the ups and downs.

I had the pleasure of hearing Sherry Williams speak at a bruncheon last Spring thanks to Suzy Levenda who puts on the best Women of Strength conferences you could possibly imagine, she has the biggest heart and loves to see others grow and heal through their positive encounters. Sherry was an amazing speaker and her story was inspiring. She stresses how the effects of any life experience can be your excuse… or your power. She makes it her power. If you are interested in finding out more you can visit her site at wisdomsgateway.com.

Her post that resonated with me said this.

Balance is not the goal Harmony is. A scale in balance is stagnant. A vibrant life flows and shifts. – Sherry

Read that again.

I had to read it several times. It hit me the first time, but I needed to make sure what I thought I read would stick. My first thought was my cabin, my mom, prior to her passing away, when she bought our cabin in Pinetop that we Airbnb, she named it Harmony Cabin. I never really asked why. It seemed appropriate. A place where we could escape and be in harmony, with nature, with our loved ones, and with ourselves.

When I think of balance I think of an old fashioned scale, a weight on each side that levels out each other. I never thought of it as stagnant, but her quote made me look at the word from a different perspective. Stagnant is boring. I don’t think we are called to live boring lives. I absolutely love music and harmony makes me think of all the songs I listen to and love that make me feel alive or words that vibrate with my mood or experiences. I have listened to more music and songs and their meanings over the course of the past year than I have ever particularly paid attention to how a song’s lyrics made me feel and how beautiful their harmonies can be.  Harmonies do flow and shift and so do our lives. Our lives are not meant to stay the same consistency all the time.

Her words made me reflect deeper on how I want to be able to find a groove that works for Paxton and I over a balance, we don’t always put the same weight on all the things in our life, nor do we put the same weight on things that others do. That is the beauty of it we have the freedom to choose the things we find the most important and how we prioritize what it is we do. We all have different purposes and finding harmony in all the things we do seems like it should be the ultimate goal. Just like the songs we like to listen to, certain notes and lyrics, as well as songs with multiple artists singing together have more weight over others and it is finding that perfect harmony to make it all come together that we should be striving for our lives to find the perfect flow that works for us.

If you have been striving to find balance in your life, maybe take a step back and consider harmony instead and see where that takes you.

 

 

Photos, Baseballs and a Fresh Start from the Past

 

A friend asked me the other night if I ever felt a shift in my grief. I knew exactly what she meant without hearing more, and I also know how hard it is to explain that feeling to someone. But I am going to give it a go at it as it has happened to me several different times at different stages and for different reasons. Sometimes I have no idea what brought it on and why something seemed clearer or easier to do. It just felt… right. This is peace. When it just feels right.

 Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give you, I give to you not as the world gives. Don’t be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

She described it like missing the person still every day, but not crying every day. I totally understood. I feel that things also shift when you are at peace with something. I could probably give you many examples of this but I have had two in the last week that stood out and I want to share for those who may have had similar things happen and aren’t sure if what they are feeling is normal or unique to them. Like I have said before there probably really isn’t a normal, but everyone likes to have the reassurance that they aren’t crazy in their thoughts or feelings or the timeframe when they are experiencing them.

First off if you have been following along in my journey, you know I let several pairs of Steve’s shoes lie on a rug next to the chair he sat in in our bedroom while he was in the hospital for a month and then for over a month after he passed away without touching them. I went from not being able to put them away to just deciding one day to move them and clear out about 98% of everything “his” in our closet to completely remodeling my bedroom to my personal taste by removing everything but the TV hanging on the wall. Talk about extreme, but I will tell you having my relaxing calm personal space where I can retreat to and listen to music, write in my journal, and read has been a game changer for my frame of mind. I am not sure I have ever spent so much time in my room before in my life. With these changes throughout the house, painting, flooring, and some new furniture all our photos came down and I didn’t put them back up. To be completely honest, I have been with all of you so far, I couldn’t handle looking at him every day. I have one photo in my living room of Paxton as a newborn, Steve’s arms and Paxton’s tiny fingers latched around his thumb and that is all you see.  

 There are still photos in my hallway toward Paxton’s room in a collage from over the years and choice family photos from different stages of Paxton’s life and I never look at them. An overwhelming sadness comes over me and I just can’t live in sadness every day! In Paxton’s case he purchased a phone case with Steve’s photos all over it that he had on his phone for over a year before switching it out. An example of how the two of us dealt differently with the reminders. Those reminders are everywhere in all capacity, some just bothered me more than others.

I was laying in bed the other night looking at my phone and a photo suggestion popped up and it was a photo of Steve fishing, as I clicked on it my phone started to scroll through a whole album of photos of Steve that I had downloaded for his memorial service slideshow. I proceeded to click through them all remembering each one, where it was taken, the trip we were on, the moment in time in my mind, the emotions attached with some of them. It was actually good for me to look through and remember those good moments and times from my past, without crying. The experiences that we had getting us to where we are now. I came to a picture of the two of us from when we took family photos reading Paxton my book when Paxton was little right after my book was published… it sat on my entertainment center for years in a silver anniversary frame someone had given us. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to find that frame.  I didn’t get up immediately but the next morning I searched for it. And I incorporated it back into my living room décor. This was a shift in grief, a huge step, an acceptance that I can look at him every day and be comfortable enough to allow the memories to fill me with peace, joy and love rather than filling me with anxiety, fear, or sadness dwelling on the lack of new memories that will never occur.

Paxton has been struggling big time with anger, fear, anxiety, and sadness. He has had a lot go on and I know that the weight of each new thing adds to this heaviness, especially at his age where processing grief is very different than how I process it now as an adult.  I don’t wish these things on my worst enemy let alone my child who all I want is to protect, love and shelter from trials, trauma, and heartache. But I know that this world is filled with all of that. He will be a better adult for all the experiences he has as a child and will learn to cope, overcome, and persevere because of what he has gone through. I did, and I think I turned out ok.

Last week we got him on a plan, to do better in school, to work harder, focus more, overcome his obstacles, and push through his doubts and fears. One of the requirements of him was to pick a physical activity and stick to it and be consistent. Since he quit baseball and boxing over a year ago, he hasn’t done a lot of consistent activity except a 35 min PE class at school. He needs an outlet for getting out his anger and frustration, and it is just good for his overall well-being. He chose to go back to his hitting coach.

Mind you he hasn’t picked up a bat and hit a baseball since January of 2022. I know he had some reservations about doing this and how well he would do, what kid wants to get up and embarrass himself after all those years of practice. I said just go and see what happens. Who cares if you aren’t the best, you haven’t hit in a year. You guys… it was like he never stopped, in fact, I think he hit better, more powerfully and more consistently than he did when he practiced all the time. His hitting and catching coach both told him that his natural talent overcame his reservations and that made him beam from ear to ear. I tried my best not to make a big deal about it so as not to embarrass him, but I think I was beaming a little too.

He admitted to me in the car how much he truly missed it. I know he has a lot of reservations about playing baseball again from his dad not being here now or not there when he played school ball or for a new club team which he played both when Steve was sick in the hospital and then died. But I think, I hope, that this conditioning will slowly be the ticket to bringing his love of baseball back around and that it will clear and settle his mind. I am over here with no pressure and no expectations but plenty of love, support and open options if he so chooses to go back to the game in any capacity. But it must be his choice. I will not force him to.

His grief shifted, I saw it firsthand in his expressions, in the tone of his voice and in his smile. Life as we knew it, and what we were accustomed to may have been ripped from our existence, but a lot of the things that we love, we enjoy doing, and bring us joy are still here and it isn’t too late to find them again and incorporate them into the life we are living now.

Will our grief continue to shift as we enter each new phase of our life, as we grow in understanding, and as we gain more peace and happiness along our journey you bet it will and it is ok. There is no need to feel guilty or make excuses for being happy or filled with joy, this is all part of the process and recognizing that it is okay is the absolute best thing that we can do moving forward, to maximize our healing.

A fresh start isn’t always a new place, a new activity or a new adventure. It is a mindset.

Dabbling, Letting Go and the Power of Now

 

There have been a lot of changes recently in our lives. Some include Paxton’s best friend Aidan going to live in Show Low with his mom again after being a staple in our lives for the past 4-5 years. My bestie’s daughter Payton who has been living with us since August to go to college and has decided to rent a house with some of her friends starting in March, a few new relationships I have come across while dabbling into some dating, have been a good lesson of reinforcement that not everybody you meet, or share something in common with is meant to stay. Some are meant to reach, and some teach while opening your eyes to what you want or don’t want.

 

All my life I have been geared towards relationship building. Building lifelong relationships, networking, and building that pipeline of people who trust and support you. Especially in my line of work.  I have more in my adult years recently discovered that not all encounters with people that come into my life are meant for long-term. This can be explained in a lot of different situations. Some people are meant to come into your life for a period, and then go away, some people are meant to have a stronger role at a certain point in your life, and yet they still remain in your circle of friends, but not necessarily in the same capacity as they were meant to for the period when you needed what they had to offer most, and some people will be in your life and stay forever and remain a constant.

 

This has been easily recognizable in my life for the last year. They were people in my life who stepped up to the plate and played a more existent role for a period when I needed exactly what they had to give at the time, they might still be here but not as profoundly. Sometimes this can be relationships among friends, relatives, acquaintances, or someone who was supposed to teach you a specific lesson. But not all relationships are meant to be long-term or lasting and recognizing that that is OK is the key to fully getting what you need and giving what they need out of the relationship. And sometimes maybe you were meant to be in their life more than they were in yours. Nonetheless you can gain something out of every one of them.

 

A high school friend of mine posted something on his page yesterday that reminded me of this book I read years ago from an excerpt he took from it, “Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time- past and future- the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” –  Eckhart Tolle. He talked about how he was changing from what he was doing with his life and going to pick up a pen and start writing a new chapter.  Somethings are not meant to last; they are for you while you need them.

 

I think we are all capable of rewriting our story or starting a new one. I have a friend who is widowed and her and her finance (also widowed) both call this portion of their life, life part 2. Whether you are divorced, widowed, single, or still married you too can experience a life part two! Maybe it is a new relationship, a career change, a big move… We are not the same people as we were at 13, 25, 32, 43 or whatever age you are now.  Sometimes what we are doing no longer suits us. As we grow we change, the people around us grow and change too and we need to mold ourselves into the us that we are NOW! Enjoy the journey of writing that story as it is a continuing saga that needs our focus and attention.  

 

We need to focus more on the now – my friend’s post made me realize I might need to re-read that book here, shortly. I am really thinking that I am going to appreciate, audible, much more than I used to; don’t get me wrong, I love the feel of the pages of a book and sitting being able to read it with my eyes, but it’s crazy as my life is sometimes as much time as I spend in the car , even though I love to listen to music, books and podcasts are knowledge and education will always be a part of my journey. There is always something that you can take away, no matter what it is you consume. So why not consume as much as you can to improve on who you were yesterday on your journey.

 

Like I said, relationship building is good and I am good at it for the most part, but not everyone that comes into your life is meant to be a permanent fixture but maybe set us up for someone who will be. And recognizing that is a step in the right direction going forward.

If there's empty spaces in your heart, 

They'll make you think it's wrong, 

Like having empty spaces, 

Means you never can be strong, 

But I've learned that all these spaces,

Means there's room enough to grow,

And the people that once filled them, 

Were always meant to be let go,

And all these empty spaces,

Create a strange sort of pull,

That attract so many people,

You wouldn't meet if they were full,

So if you're made of empty spaces,

Don't ever think it is wrong,

Because maybe they're just empty,

Until the right person comes along. 

- Ernest Hemingway

 

Good Crys, Puffy Eyes, Shoveling Sunshine and Unanswered Prayers

 

I fully believe in timing, sometimes things meet you right where you need them and then sometimes they are not meant to be until later and other times not at all. Last night I watched the movie Unanswered Prayers loosely based off the 1990 song by Garth Brooks. It is funny how sometimes we pray for things we don’t get right away but only when the timing is right, or we don’t get them at all but don’t realize until much later that was truly a blessing in disguise. Sometimes I want to rush timing, especially if I have a feeling or intuition that it will eventually happen, but I know that I need to chill a little and enjoy the process of getting there, sometimes the process is the best part, skipping over it could ruin the intended path and alter the outcome you were meant to create.

 

 I think it is because I have lost so many people close to me at unexpected and not typical ages, young vibrant and still full of so much life in my opinion, and I want to make sure that I am doing everything I can to enjoy my time however long that may be. I don’t know when my expiration date is and I want to experience all the things I can, give as much love as I can, and make a difference to others while I can. I am a giver, I love to serve, and I enjoy watching other people happy and getting what they want too. I have no idea when their time will be up either and I want to make the most of the time shared.

 

I think I’ve mentioned before that I still love real estate however, there is something I feel God is calling me for a higher purpose in my life. I think that can run parallel with real estate it doesn’t replace it right now. About a month ago, I had the opportunity to meet with a Pastor who I first met quite a few years ago to talk about community and Florence (where I live), and what that looks like for the future. I remember having an interesting conversation the last time, and this one turned into how I can use my grief to help others in a more purposeful way than what I currently am doing, which is blogging and meeting with individuals who are looking to talk about their grief on a one-on-one basis. This would give me the opportunity to be more involved, reach more people and center my experiences in a little bit more structured way through a local grief share, where I would run a 13-week program with a group of individuals trying to make sense of their own grief. It sounds a little scary, but then again, I love a good challenge, and besides what do I have to lose, if I am gaining experience.

 

I have been a leader my whole life in most of what I do whether in working or volunteering or just in general and I am excited to see where this leads me in future endeavors. I made a promise to myself that you will see my name on the cover of something other than children’s books, poems, and blogs in the future. I just don’t quite know what that looks like just yet.

 

I am grateful for the opportunity to have gone back to Indiana with Paxton for Christmas break and spent so much time with my family and friends, to spoil and be spoiled. I felt a huge sense of closeness, inner peace, and love that surrounded us on our trip. It was the third time we had visited in 2022 and it was good for my soul. I know that if I decided to move back there tomorrow Paxton would be on board his goal currently is to farm and he just loves the culture and people there (I will admit it is a different feeling when we are there, but I only miss it when I am there) and my family would welcome us with open arms.

 

I moved to Arizona almost 26 years ago to go to college and fell in love with the state and a young man. He welcomed me into his family, and I established a great support system with new friends and developed a large database and built a wonderful career here. There is a fire in me that loves challenges but to start all over sometimes will prove overwhelming and may not be the right decision or the right timing. I keep telling Paxton if I felt that I had a calling verses a small yearning, I would consider the possibility a little more but for now we are here where we belong and will make the most of it. Besides, after not driving in a snowstorm for about 14 years or having to stay inside for 4 days straight because it was too cold to want to go anywhere, I think I will accept my past several non-stop rainy days and overly muddy property for my almost always plethora of sunshine. How does the saying go? You don’t have to shovel sunshine! And besides if I want to see snow in the winter, I can drive 3 hours and stay at my cabin.

 

Whether it was one thing more over the next it is probably a combination of a bunch of different things, including but not limited to being back to reality, traveling, time zone differences, lack of sleep, someone else’s bed, the holidays which by the way can be very sad at times no matter how much time goes by and several other factors, but being back I have had an overwhelming sense of sadness for several days. I miss Steve and everything that comes with having your person, that person I thought I would live the rest of my life with, come to find out he lived the rest of his with me. Let that sink in. I miss my life as it was a year and a half ago, I am doing ok building a new one that already has a foundation, but it is still so very different and could never be the same again. I miss being able to call and cry to my mom or ask her for advice, and so on….coming up on the 8 year anniversary of her death at the end of this week and both Steve and my mom's birthdays the next it can cause a blanket of sadness to just surround your being, thinking of the good times and the things that you will never be able to share with them again. 

 

While away on our trip I teared up several times during certain conversations or reminiscing about certain past events that happened with people who are no longer here to create new memories, but never let myself cry – like fully cry and I feel like I just needed it. The puffy eyes and stuffed up nose and the sense of just losing control also in the back of my mind while I pushed the need back further trying not to confront it until it overwhelmed my being and just finally, I caved.

 

Last night I just unloaded a bunch of cooped up negative energy and all that was pushed back in my body filling it with the toxin of sadness, anger and grief built up that needed to be released. My BFF who I have known for almost 40 years listened to me through uncontrollable crying, sniffles and continuous nose blowing, which wasn’t actually helping to clear my nose, it was that swollen and stints of this is unfair and why me dialogue that I spewed out as she listened and loved on me through the phone. I am not usually big on pitying myself, but sometimes life just takes you there. Do I usually find the silver lining? Yep, that is what all my friends know me for best, but I am not perfect.

 

People tell me all the time to call them if I need to scream, cry, vent or whatever, and it is hard to do this to another person, even though I offer it all the time for others, I somehow feel guilty interrupting their day, or their current happy thoughts, or family time to share in my neediness.  I often just cry and get it over with, but when I do feel like I need to reach out to someone I close my eyes and let my heart speak to me about who that is. I usually find an answer whether it is spirit guided or just a random lucky name that pops into my head because I have been thinking about that person, lol. To be honest I fully believe it is spirit guided to who will be good for me in that very moment. It was freeing and I slept better than I have in weeks. Did I wake up with puffy eyes and a sinus headache, you betcha, but I am fully convinced it was worth it. Clearing my mind and heart makes all the difference in how much I can give in the present moment and going forward. I can be sad, depressed, upset, angry and completely devastated at times, I just can’t continue to stay there, and I know this.  

 

Taking care of myself is not always about my health, physical appearance, stress level deductions or the things I can gain, sometimes it is about the release and the things that we can let go.

 

Just like my New Year’s post, there are things that need to be left behind in 2022, things that I may have thought were going in a positive direction but didn't quite make the cut, things that may occasionally pop back up that I need to say no to or take care of sooner than later so they don’t take over my happiness or consume my time unnecessarily, things I should not chase, and things that were only suppose to be there for a reason for the season. I need to give myself permission to move forward again, despite any hiccups, enjoy life every day even if it isn’t the whole day, savor my blessings, increase my motivation willingly, and allow myself to experience true happiness however that looks like for me. I am truly blessed to be here and should enjoy it. 

 

Blessed Beyond Belivin’ Eric Burgett

 

I have all I need

Here I am down on my knees

Thankin’ You for everything

Corn grows and the sun shines

I still got dreams worth dreamin’

So many reasons to keep breathin’

That’s the beauty of bein’ blessed

The beauty of bein’ blessed

The beauty of bein’ blessed beyond believin’

New Year, New Focus, Trust Your Value

 

This morning as I reflected on the past year, I realized that no matter what came our way, what stuff I blogged about or the issues that Pax and I had in our life, those dang obstacles, a tad bit of stress here and there, and a few setbacks all came with a whole lot of blessings, that is for sure! I am grateful that we have another year to make a go of it.

One of my besties gave me a journal for 2023, I decided to make a list of things to let go from 2022 to make room for the things that are waiting for me in 2023, things that I may not have the chance to embrace without first letting go of other things to make room for these new opportunities.  Journaling is very important to my process of healing and my growth. Not everything makes my blog no matter how vulnerable I am or how much I want to share every detail of the process there are many things that are better left unsaid. The cover of the journal couldn’t be more aligned with one of my biggest self-reminders…trust your value…

My extensive list is definitely just for me, but I will share my short list, it includes, disappointments, relationships with people who take advantage of or don’t match my effort or time, horrible advice, habits that are useless, commitments that don’t support my alignment or values, things that inhibit my growth, fears about the future and most importantly things that are beyond my control that can bring me down by trying to fix them when I know I can’t, negative self-talk, and shadows.

Shadows, you say? What do you mean by that? Shadows to me are the things that linger around that might make you second guess your decisions; they also may be things that you are holding onto hoping they fix themselves or turn into something that they are not intended to be. This is a hard one. I don’t know how often in my mind I can create a scenario based on the way that I think something should turn out or 42 other ways that it might, lol, instead of just letting it go the way it is supposed to and enjoy the journey. As I have said before I am not an overthinker, I am a scenario creator and in 2023 I would love to work on creating less and just making the most of the process to get to how it is supposed to be by truly enjoying my journey.

A friend of mine posted yesterday about her word for the year and reminded me that for the last several years I have chosen a word for the following year to focus on. A lot of people choose to do this verses making a resolution that they may not keep. Let me tell you I haven’t ever been a huge advocate of making resolutions, especially those that I may not keep or could be easily broken, my focus… being better than I was the year before.

This year for Christmas my aunt gave me a Day Spring flip calendar entitled Focus- how one word a week will transform your life. I am super excited to incorporate this one word a week philosophy and dig deeper into my soul and discover what it is that I need to move forward in my process. The way it works is that Day 1 highlights scripture, 2 provides a focus tip for the week and how to activate it in your daily life, 3-6 allow you to lean in and learn how the word affects your world, and finally day 7 offers a final thought. I am excited to get into these reflections and use them to my advantage to enhance my experiences this year to my benefit while also helping others, which I truly believe is part of my calling.

I do have something in the works that I can’t wait to share with everyone if it works out and becomes part of what God has intended of me to do through all this heartache, trials and tribulations of my past.

Happy New Year to Everyone! I am excited for what 2023 will bring for Paxton and I, trying to keep my anxieties, apprehensions and fears to a minimum, being fully aware of my surroundings, living in my present moment, diligently manifesting the positives we want to come and allowing us to welcome new adventures as God works in our lives to help us discover more of our abundance and use our talents and knowledge to create a greater purpose for ourselves to serve others.

 

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from this past year that I want to incorporate into my Positive quotes vision board that I display in my closet and read every day.

 

I don’t know where I am going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring.

Life’s best moments usually happen unplanned.

Enjoy life now, this is not a rehearsal.

Maybe it won’t work out but maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure.

There are two ways to be happy: change the situation or change your mindset toward it.

Give yourself permission to live a big life, step into who you are meant to be. Stop playing small, you are meant for greater things.

If you desire it, make space for it. Be strong enough to let go & wise enough to wait for what you deserve.

It will never be perfect, make it work.

There is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some people come into your life to test you, some to teach you, some to use you, and some to bring out the very best in you.

Remember that half the stuff you stress over isn’t even worth it.

And remember to choose to be grateful, see the good in all things, be kind, look for opportunities, love others and accept love from others! Be grateful today and always.

Happy New Year, may it be a time of truth, reflection, and growth for all of you!