Healing With The Squirrel Method

 

This weekend we enjoyed some great distractions from friends in Payson for a graduation party Saturday and yesterday some time on their boat at the lake despite the monsoon storm. I had stuff to do at home for sure, I always do, but most of the time it can wait.  

 Shiny object syndrome in my mind is anything that diverts your immediate attention onto something else in order not to deal with the problem at hand. I looked up the actual definition and it is the tendency for someone to chase something new, be it an idea, trend, or goal, rather than stay focused on what they are doing. Another example that some people use is the word SQUIRREL when someone is easily distracted by something else. Sometimes we use this phrase to be funny. I do it a lot with Paxton and him with I, because both of us can tend to veer off from what we are doing or working on especially if it is something we don’t want to do, or we are getting bored with. And it usually breaks up the seriousness of a situation and we laugh! It can definitely turn into a problem if you are never accomplishing something, and you are always distracted, but in my opinion in terms of grief it is a blessing.

Some may say if you are distracting yourself with shiny objects or activities or thoughts that take you away from your immediate situation or task at hand that you really aren’t focusing on what needs to be done or solving the root of the problem at hand. Diverting your attention from one thing to another is temporary, and in most cases not a good problem solver or it prolongs you getting something done.

The thing with grief is that it is not a problem to be solved, EVER, it is something that you experience in life that you must learn to live with it, alongside it, learn how to cope with the feelings it causes you and the life you now must live without that person by your side. You are not meant to “get over” the person.  You are meant to learn to move forward and live your life by incorporating the best things about that person, the things they taught you about yourself, and life and move forward with yours, you still have important stuff to accomplish or you most likely wouldn’t be here.

The shiny objects whether they have monetary value, are in the form of new friendships or relationships, new activities, or experience, changes you make that might be too painful a remembrance of that person and you replace them with something else, new places you have never been, or a place that you stop visiting because you frequented it with that person and every time you go it hurts too much. These are all forms of coping.   Coping mechanisms are strategies people use in the face of stress/trauma to help manage painful or difficult emotions.

You are in a sense diverting your attention or clinging onto these new things to feel better, to lessen your sadness or distract your attention and continue to live. The actual definition of shiny object alludes to the fact that these things don’t usually stick, and they definitely don’t in the case of grief replace what you are missing they just make what you are missing easier to bear. If these things are not harmful to you or your family or anyone else, or not allowing you to function in the here and now by being too distracting, they can be a real blessing. You need to continue to live despite your grief. I have stressed several times over the past 11 months of this crazy journey since Steve got sick, that Paxton and I are still here. We need to cherish the experiences that we had with Steve, continue to feel the love that we shared, use the things he taught us, and celebrate the life that he lived in our memories. The saying goes, be the things you loved the most about the people who are gone (I truly believe this is good practice- I put this on our Christmas card this past year).

Grief is not something to get over, it is like a stain on your favorite shirt that gets lighter the more you wash it, but it never really goes away and you know it is there, even if most people may not notice it glancing at you, so you wear it anyway because it is your favorite shirt. You will carry that grief in different forms along your journey, but you will never forget it and it is a permanent stain on your heart. It may get a little lighter as you move forward, just like the shirt you will have other shirts that you can wear in between this one when you are reminded of that sauce you spilled, you will have experiences and people to distract you from your grief and just know that is ok. Just as the shirt being your favorite you can’t wear it every day, you will get to the point where there will be more new experiences to enjoy, people to celebrate and calm you,  and things that make you happy on your journey and the thoughts, sadness, and negative feelings will hopefully fade like the stain so that you may flourish and live out your God given purpose using the talents, abilities and experiences you have to do what you are intended to do in life, while enjoying it along the way.

I firmly believe that God is present in our lives, but we have free will to make our own decisions, and the ability to control our reactions to situations and circumstances, even when we cannot control them I also believe that happiness is a choice. If you are constantly pointing out the things that go wrong, the bad stuff in our lives or the lack of things we have and dwell on what is missing, you are missing out on life. As I have said previously… take what you have and make what you want. Focus on the good rather than the bad. It is ok to be sad, get down, allow yourself time to even get angry but you just can’t live every day this way and wait to be happy when only good things happen to you.

Happiness starts with you every morning when you wake up, it is a choice that you really can’t get from any other person or shiny object unless you choose to be happy, if you wait for those things to come to you, you might be easily disappointed every single time. Start today by finding things to be grateful for and reasons to be happy, even if it is in the smallest things. Write them down or say them out loud, this makes it more real than just those thoughts you have in your head.

Your mindset is amazing when you train it to believe in the good and stop focusing on the bad or lack of things. It is a daily habit, it may not come naturally to you, but practice and experience thinking positively can make your life so much more enriching than concentrating negatively all the time because you feel robbed of something you think you should have. Unfortunately, since we can’t control what we go through all the time, we must learn to deal with it in a way where we don’t lose sight of enjoying the life we were given.

Word of wisdom from my favorite author:

Search for the seed of good in every adversity. Master that principle and you will own a precious shield that will guard you well through all the darkest valleys you must traverse. Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well, when they cannot be discerned from the mountaintop. So will you learn things in adversity that you would never have discovered without trouble. There is always a seed of good. Find it and prosper. -Og Mandino

When you do great things don't boast, help others along the way when you can, and be grateful for what you have despite your circumstances. 

Our circumstances have the ability to hinder us, make us bitter or prosper us. Raising an almost teenage son, I love the words to this song. Life happens, it will not always be roses and rainbows, and remember that a rose has thorns and rainbows only come after the rain. Often we must deal with what we consider bad in order to enjoy the good. You will always have mountains to climb and obstacles to overcome or find alternative routes to get through.  Don't expect things to happen to you or just fall in your lap, go out and get what you want, work hard, share your talents, be proud of your accomplishments but not at the expense of anyone else by boasting.  Be confident but always stay humble and kind. 

Humble and Kind -Tim McGraw

Don't forget the keys under the mat
When childhood stars shine
Always stay humble and kind
Go to church 'cause your momma says to
Visit grandpa every chance that you can
It won't be wasted time
Always stay humble and kind

Hold the door, say please, say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When the dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but

Always stay humble and kind

Don't expect a free ride from no one
Don't hold a grudge or a chip and here's why
Bitterness keeps you from flyin'
Always stay humble and kind
Know the difference between sleepin' with someone
And sleepin' with someone you love
"I love you" ain't no pickup line, so
Always stay humble and kind


Hold the door, say please, say thank you
Don't steal, don't cheat, and don't lie
I know you got mountains to climb but
Always stay humble and kind
When those dreams you're dreamin' come to you
When the work you put in is realized
Let yourself feel the pride but
Always stay humble and kind (Yeah)

[Outro]
When it's hot, eat a root beer popsicle
Shut off the AC and roll the windows down
Let that summer sun shine
Always stay humble and kind
Don't take for granted the love this life gives you
When you get where you're goin', don't forget turn back around
And help the next one in line
Always stay humble and kind

The Power of NOW

 

Two weeks away gave me a lot of time to think and be still in my mind and listen to the true desires of my heart. I think so many of us work so hard to be happy in our future, when this happens, or we accomplish that thing. 20lbs from now, when we get the promotion, when we sell one more house, exceed the next deadline, finish that degree, or find the right person, then we can do this or that, when we meet that next goal that we have strummed up in our mind all will be right in the world. There is nothing wrong with striving for more in our lives or having goals. It is just sometimes on our journey to that; we forget to be happy NOW.

I read a book years ago called the Power of Now by Eckart Tolle. We need to take more time to appreciate what we have in the very moment. The Power of Now shows you that every minute you spend worrying about the future or regretting the past is a minute lost, because really all you must live in is the present, the now, and gives you actionable strategies to start living every minute as it occurs.

This is such a great practice for us to accept all the things that happen to us on our journey. Some of it is self-inflicted, we have free will, some of it is completely beyond our control and the only thing we can control is our reaction to those uncontrollable circumstances. We have so many choices on the journey. Some will be good, some bad, some learning experiences and some amazing memories. We as humans need to strive to enjoy as many minutes of our lives as we can, while we can.

From my experiences with so much close to me death in my life,  I can reassure you that life is a gift that we are given every day, but our days are numbered, and we have no idea when our time is up. We all have a time, death is inevitable. Worrying about it isn't going to accomplish much but rob us from living life NOW. We can plan all we want but sometimes those plans don’t quite work out the way we hoped. We need to make every minute count when we can. We are human and emotions can get the best of us, but we can come back to center and re-focus or efforts on striving to be happy in the moment instead of waiting for the right moment to be happy.

Several weeks ago, I went to a mastermind and the speaker talked about an “enough” number. I have never really thought about this before, but it really hit me when he said it. I do have one. Too me an enough number means, what are you willing to accept or take as your monetary accumulation to have “enough” to live on to live with in your means and be happy. I am sure that everyone has one even if they haven't defined it. This is the number that justifies how much you work verses how much you play or how much you are willing to sacrifice time away from your family or time that you want to focus on spending with your family where working a little bit more is too much of a risk because you are giving up your family time in the present. Like I have stressed before, we don’t know when our time is up, so stop working so hard to make your future spectacular. Sacrifice now for rewards later IS NOT PROMISED. Enjoy NOW while you have it.

I know that I am always striving for more but being happy with what I have accomplished thus far and what I currently have now is way more important to my well being and the example to my child then waiting to be happy or to do the things that I want until some future date that I may never have the chance to see. My goal is to complain as little as possible, I definitely can’t say not to complain ever, that is an expectation that I don’t think any of us can accomplish.

Hug your family more, tell them you love them, don’t be afraid to go for what you want, stop beating around the bush,  stop waiting for the perfect moment, (there probably will never be one)  be happy for what you have now, take what you have and make what you want, be an example of a satisfied person to the younger generation by being grateful every single day for all that you have and remember it is ok to strive for more, but don’t work so hard for a better future you lose sight of the amazing things you currently have. You may or may not believe you have a destination in your future. A Heaven that you will one day be welcomed to. Whether you do or you don’t, you are currently on a journey… ENJOY it… the good, the bad, the hiccups and the triumphs, you deserve to be HAPPY… NOW.

Finding True Calm in the Chaos

 

I haven’t written for a couple weeks. We are back in Arizona, and I promise you when we got to the Chicago airport last night, I checked my bags before going through security, LOL- (just a little FYI for those of you who read my last blog.) 

Paxton and I enjoyed our non-rushed time in Indiana, free of expectations and deadlines, household demands and time commitments. To be completely honest it was exactly what we needed and at the time we needed it, March when we originally planned to go, I now know was not, and am grateful my gut feeling stopped us from going then. There is something about taking the time to relax, rejuvenate and refresh completely without caring about the consequences of what you are missing out on from your busy schedule. I haven’t had the luxury of really letting go since I have been in real estate (this is my 21^st year) due to the nature of the business. I wrote an offer on a beach in Hawaii a few years back for goodness sake. This trip I will say has been the closest I have ever gotten to letting go without the worry, frustration, and guilt.

For those of you I didn’t contact, didn’t see multiple times, or didn’t even let know I would be in town, I appreciate no hard feelings. I saw a very limited number of people. I needed to disconnect, to not have a schedule, to process my mental health, my feelings and reconnect with who I was through nature and just being there. I enjoyed fishing, watching Paxton in his element, playing in the woods, lots of lake time and sun, exercising every day, reading books, watching birds, listening to the frogs and birds and nature sounds all around me, seeing the deer and wild turkeys, squirrels, chipmunks, muskrats and beavers do their thing, listening to and playing in the rain (maybe not so much the tornado or the power/water outage we had for 21 hours) but the also the company that I did see.

I don’t think I am very photogenic; I am super critical of myself most of the time.  I can take 30 selfies, like none of them then delete them all. These girls who know all the right angles… yep, I just may be a little jealous of you. My photographer friend said to me once that you are truly smiling when your eyes are smiling, this I believe is something from the inside out.  I happened to capture a photo on my cousin’s boat on the lake where I grew up that I felt looked decent enough to post, since I did have fun and was relaxed, and because I only had to take one, I posted it.  I received so many compliments and even phone calls about this photo. Wow, I had no idea. I was kind of embarrassed for posting it. I am humble and too much attention doesn’t sit right with me most of the time. But I loved the fact that others recognized it… I wasn’t fishing for the beautiful or gorgeous comments… what these people recognized was far beyond that. This picture signified to me that when you are your true self, you don’t care what others are thinking about you, you totally let go and you are relaxed and calm, even if your hair is a mess from the wind, your smile and true character shine through and that is what shows, not necessarily your outward appearance, but a reflection of what you feel inside. It has been a long time since I can say I truly felt that way. You can create your own happiness, but sometimes your circumstances make it seem near impossible to do so and it reflects in your outward expressions and attitude and ability to create that happiness, the kind that isn't forced but true. 

My aunt’s property that I have been able to enjoy for the past 30 of my 43 years since they purchased it is lots of acres out in the middle of nowhere, it is truly a place you can go and unwind, disconnect (for the most part) and be yourself. Her neighbor friend made me a shirt; it is the state of Indiana with a heart for where her house is and says Home Y'all. I am in love with this shirt. It isn’t where I am from exactly, I grew up about 2.5 hours away, but I don’t believe home is necessarily where you are from, but where you feel like yourself the most, where no matter what, you can feel happy, and want to continue to come back there.

I have had several people since Steve passed ask if I would consider moving back “home” to Indiana, where most my family is.  My answer is still no… I would never say never, but I have no intention of it. My life is in Arizona and has been for the last 25 years. I am established here. This got me thinking, what is home? Of course, I looked up the definition, would you expect any less?

1. n. the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

I also came across these two:

2.  n. any person or place that fills your heart with joy, warmth safety and security, a place where you are loved and welcome.

3. n. a place that feels like a tight hug: Where time stands still for just a moment, where the noise of the outside world is blocked out and where you can breathe it all out after being tense all day. From the moment you enter the door, you are safe, you are warm, and you are exceptionally loved.  

Number 3 is my favorite. Not only did I experience this while I was gone, but I was ready to at this point in my process of moving forward.  I know I can have this feeling at home now too. I know your circumstances have a lot to do with it, but I also feel it is something you can create. Who you choose to spend your time with and what makes you happy are in your control. Not everyone is the same, that is what makes us unique. Stop competing with everyone else’s idea of happy. We all have a next level of relaxation we can go to in any situation. Practice this and choose wisely. Let go of what is beyond your control, stop rushing, smell the flowers, enjoy the walk, be silly, try new things, don’t try to fix, plan, or prepare for every circumstance in your life, you are bound to get disappointed. (Take this from my experience with overthinkers anonymous. LOL) You can take what you have and make what you want. I know I can make my home or any “home” truly home, just by stopping to create my happy, breathe and let go of all the noise of the world with those that I truly love, whether family or friends.

To find your calm and accept and create happiness you may just need to be ready for it, timing is everything.

  

 

It's all about finding the calm in the chaos. – Donna Karan

Learn to laugh at yourself

 

So I need to experience things to have blog content right? I am convinced, or so I tell myself that is why somewhat crazy shit happens to me. Or maybe it happens to everyone, I don't know. 

 Last time we scheduled to go on this trip, there were a bunch of little things not going right that caused the already anxiety I had of leaving as well as not 1 person to stay the whole time for our animals, as a recap we ended up cancelling our trip plans in March at 9:30 at night the day before we were to get on the plane. I had been uneasy all week and when Paxton finally admitted to me that he wasn’t feeling right about it either, my intuition, the holy spirit or gut feeling whatever you call it told me no, don’t go.

We rescheduled our trip for this week. Both of us checked with each other several times during this last week and neither one of us had the uneasy feelings that we had the last time. There were a few things that happened at home last week that made me question our trip but didn’t make me feel uneasy or willing to cancel again. We found lovely people to watch our animals for the whole time, and most of our neighbors would be home to just “be around.” So I was content, and actually excited to go “home” after 2 ½ years and see all my family. This time we were ready.

Funny story at the airport, cause again my life wouldn’t be complete without being shaken up a little, as to not inconvenience anyone to get us to the airport at 5:00 AM, I decided to just drive and park. We got to the airport at sunrise and got a great parking spot, a little walk to the tram and we were at the airport ready to go ahead of schedule. Picture this: The security line was a tad long so we waited and walked through the line, until we were two people back from actually having ids and boarding passes checked to go through the scanners when it just hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized and looked at Paxton… we didn’t check our bags, SERIOUSLY, I waited inline for 15-20 mins…I can’t even imagine what people were thinking and not saying as we weaved our way through the line around us, we got a few looks, but honestly Paxton was wearing an I Heart Hot Moms shirt, so in my mind I just assumed we were being judged, LOL! I am sure I will never see any of these people again so I didn't really let it bother me. 

Why in the heck did I forget such a major detail in my traveling -checking bags! I can say it was early in the morning, I normally travel with other adults or I get dropped off at the baggage level, but I will just admit apparently sometimes I am a crazy hot mess and you know what that is ok, it is ok to not be ok all the time and to admit I am not perfect! , We have traveled so many times I just couldn’t even fathom how I forgot this.  I literally laughed out loud… we had to get out of line, go downstairs and check our bags… I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking or that I could get through security with large suitcases, especially the 40lb one of fishing equipment… but somehow it happened.  Luckily the getting back in the line was quick and we had no issues getting on the plane. Thank God for small blessings.

The first night was amazing, family, fun, laughs, the best pizza ever, card games and great conversations. Glad to be able to get to see family and spend some quality time relaxing, refreshing my soul and rejuvenating my mind just to wake up to a rental car that leaked transmission fluid all over my aunt and uncle’s new house driveway overnight. Really, in the back of my mind I seriously thought to myself can I catch a break!  

After almost 3 hours today on the phone with the rental car company, getting the broken rental car taken away to be fixed and a new car to have for the duration of our trip, 2 glasses of wine later ( no judging it is 2 hours later here than AZ), a great lunch made by my uncle, the sounds of a soothing waterfall, and view of a gorgeous koi pond, good family, conversation and laughter I have to always remember that how I react to my circumstances is far more important that the circumstances themselves, and the people I surround myself with make all the difference. I live a truly blessed life despite my circumstances.

“though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inward we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal,” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.

Weekend Recovery

 

This weekend seemed to prove overall enjoyable for me. We were able to escape the heat of the valley and head up to our cabin for a long weekend. Time with family and friends. A little peace, relaxation and rejuvenation are always good for the soul. I ended up hosting 5 boys (to sleep) ages 11-18 and I tell you what, they can be loud, obnoxious, and rough with one another. No one got seriously hurt (well maybe a couple scratches and hurt feelings a few times) but all in all, they got to be boys and I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. They fished, swam, rode ATV’s, bikes and side by sides, played games, horseshoes, corn hole, football, hit some softballs, saw Top Gun, ate lots of food and watched our friends play 3 softball games in an adult tournament and celebrated their victory! The weather was perfect despite the lack of rain and lots of pollen, my truck seriously looked completely yellow at one point and I had to use my windshield wipers just to get it off to see to drive. Claritin to the rescue.

We had a lot of people up among the 4 family owned properties and 2 lots on our street. I was sort of anticipating having some anxiety over the weekend. I have never been a fan of crowds. ( I can make it work but I hate Disneyland and the Fair, LOL)  I am definitely a more low-key intimate setting kind of girl. Yes, we have hosted parties at our home for years, and I love to entertain, however my comfortability level actually lies in a smaller setting.

As an example, I came from a really small high school. My whole entire school 6-12^th grade was only around 700 students. My graduating class was the largest at the time of 131 graduates. When I came to Arizona to ASU in 1997 one of my classes was an auditorium of over 200 students in one class. I am not known to be a very anxious person, but that seriously overwhelmed me. This may be surprising to a lot of people as I definitely come across to most as a friendly and social person.

On Sunday everyone who was up came to our cabin as Paxton wanted to bury some of Steve’s ashes in the cluster of trees, which houses some of my mom’s ashes along with both of Steve and I’s first 2 dogs who passed away. There are painted rocks that mark the spot and he wanted to feel the sense that Steve was there always. In the almost 24 years Steve and I have been together we had owned that cabin for 20+, it was as much his as my mom and I’s.  Paxton also has another vial that he will spread at Roosevelt Lake at some point when he is ready.  Steve’s Aunt led us is prayer, his Uncle said a few words and a friend closed in prayer. It was a somber moment but a reflection of life and a necessary step as Paxton and I move forward with whatever God has planned for our lives. I am grateful to everyone who came and everyone who wanted to celebrate a life that in our minds was taken too soon.

I could have stayed up there for another week but knew that we had to get back to the valley for a few days to prepare to go to Indiana next week, the trip we had delayed from March. This time I have only good feelings about going, I have someone to stay at my house and watch my animals the whole time and I feel confident even though I will be missing some crucial work moments that I have plenty of help to fill in for me while we are gone. I look forward to the time with my family and the time that Paxton will have to enjoy fishing, playing in the woods and receiving the love and attention that our family will give him. I feel like this is more the right time to go then 2 months ago and that the experience will bring both of us peace and preparation for the upcoming school year, activities that Paxton wants to be involved in and me fully getting back into the swing of work, life and being fully focused on the tasks at hand with joy and peace in my heart.

When we got home last night Paxton cleaned out his duffle bag (that used to be Steve’s) and brought me a note that was shoved in the corner of one of the pockets. It had obviously been there for a long time and was never discovered before. The paper was ripped the ink had bled some from getting wet at one point and there was no date. It was a note (I had written lots of notes over the years to Steve, in his lunch bag, when he went on a trip, just because- I am a writer remember that is how I express my feelings most of the time, I am not always good with verbal words.) He must have gone on a fishing trip, probably to Lake Powell without the both of us as I signed it Dani and Paxton. Although I will not post the entire note here it must have been a time in our marriage again that wasn’t “perfect”. One line stated Enjoy yourself, take this time to escape your everyday worries and anxieties and soak in the beautiful natural creations God has given you to enjoy while you fish.

I teared up as I read the words on the tattered note Paxton handed me. I asked if he read it and he said he did, as he noticed I signed it with his name at the bottom as well when he unfolded it. I was okay with that because I want him to know that life gives us ups and downs and if we are committed to a goal, a relationship or a task at hand, we give it 100%, we fight not to give up and we enjoy all the beauty and blessings this life has to offer us while we complete our purpose before we can enjoy eternal life in the next.

 I felt that this letter was presented to me to read at just the right time. I just wrapped up a nice weekend where I enjoyed myself immensely despite missing him extremely. Nothing in this life is going to be perfect. We cannot always have control of our circumstances or what is thrown our way. Time doesn’t stop for what we are experiencing. We can only control how we react and how much we let our situation dictate our pathway of our future.

If you are experiencing a struggle, setback, or heartache… just know it is normal, this life isn’t meant to be perfect, easy, or fun all the time. Make the most of it, find the silver lining and look forward to the reward in the next life. God is bigger than any difficulty we face, and he is always there, even if our prayers don’t get answered the way we want them to.

 

Isaiah ends Chapter 40 with this encouragement: “But those who trust in the Lᴏʀᴅ will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31).