Your worlds not falling apart it is falling into place

 

I pretty much wake up close to 5:00 am naturally every morning. Yesterday I set my alarm anyway because I wanted to make sure to get the garbage out before they came. 5:15 set and ready to wake. I woke up and looked at the clock and it was exactly 5:00. I decided to wake up a little before reading my bible app by scrolling through Facebook. The first post that popped up when I clicked my phone on was from a girl, I used to work with years ago, I hadn’t seen or talked to since Paxton was probably 2-3 years old. I have watched her grow from being pregnant with 1 to now having 5 kids.

She had a blog posted with a picture of her family titled Tragedy verses Faith.
Interesting title so I clicked on it to dive into pretty much all the similar things Steve went through last year but with her husband since September until now when he has pretty much fully recovered except needing oxygen occasionally when he exerts himself a lot. The theme of the whole blog was her faith and his faith and their family’s faith that he would be healed, premonitions by family members and all the emotions that went into her roller coaster ride. There are no words to express the flood of emotions I felt through my body and mind as I read this blog. Mind you it was probably 8 times longer than my normal post here, so it was a lot to take in at once about their journey and survival. Reading through her testimony was hard but necessary and I am convinced not by coincidence that it popped up at the exact time it did.

I spent yesterday stirred up inside. I felt happy and relieved for her family at the same time jealous of why them and not us. Totally natural I am sure of it. Feelings from thinking that mine and Steve’s faith wasn’t strong enough to fight his battle, to make him well, to bring him a full recovery to wondering if just for a split second I was being punished for something and he was taken from us because of this. I have been through so many trials and deaths at even a young age, I can’t possibly really believe I am being punished, but the thought does enter in my mind from time to time before I extinguish it.

Corinthians 13:13 states You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? So this passage alone tells me that these feelings are normal to have as long as I do not live in them and allow them to take over the spaces in my head that can be filled with much better thoughts than those. But it is refreshing to know that I am human and that they will happen.

I know through all that I have already experienced in my life, that my God is a God who is good. In my heart I know that this isn’t how life works. God is not punishing me for something. There are things in life that among the blessings we do receive we have trials and tragedies meant to free us from earth’s shackles and this sinful world.  His plan for my life, for Paxton’s life did not include saving Steve, where in this girl and her 5 beautiful children’s case, her husband was needed to survive to fulfill whatever purpose and plan was meant for them. As a human and Christian this is the only explanation that makes sense to me to move past any doubt, guilt, or unfairness I may feel. I must stress that what-ifs can only bring you down and keep you down. It is necessary to live in your present moment and be hopeful for your future instead of dwelling in the past you cannot change no matter how many scenarios you can think up in your head.

From my brokenness will rise something great. I pray that God guides me to use the talents he has given me to find and fulfill that very purpose. I am meant to rise and do something far bigger than myself, or my situation and I am open to God using me to do what I am meant to accomplish on this earth. I am still here, I will move forward and live alongside my grief to become who I am meant to be, fulfill my purpose he has blessed me with, and try to be a good example along the way, while guiding Paxton to find and fulfill his. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

You become who you are because of who you build relationships with, who has let you down, through loss and through your journey, because of your experiences, life lessons, triumphs, and tragedies.  I am who I am because of this molding, and I will continue to strive to fulfill whatever purpose I have while I am still living and breathing. As the saying goes. Not every day will be a good day, but there is always something good to find in every day.

Yesterday a friend and I were talking, and we discussed whether we thought dead people could hear us. I told a story about how a picture behind my bed kept falling off of one nail until I finally talked out loud to Steve after the 4^th time it fell and told him there were other ways to get my attention then scaring me (which he knew I absolutely hated being scared) and it has never fallen since (and I never changed anything about how it was being held up.) She asked if I thought that he could hear my thoughts and I said “goodness, I hope not! It is bad enough if God can hear our thoughts let alone our dead loved ones.” LOL. If you are experiencing thoughts or feelings that you just cannot shake or that you feel you shouldn’t be, just remember you are human and we all experience thoughts that we may not understand where they come from or even be proud to say out loud, but I don’t know that thoughts are right or wrong until we make them actions we cannot take back, or allow them to consume us that they make us sick.  

There are a lot of uplifting songs that I hear, and I love to really delve into the words sometimes, they can be comforting and reassuring to me and sometimes you hear them at just the exact moment you need to with whatever you are experiencing at the time. I like a whole lot of different genres from Country to 90’s to even a little Eminem sometimes…and sometimes I listen to The Message on Sirius XM because of the positive words that every song has that can truly pertain to your life. It all just depends on my mood at the time.

Yesterday this one stood out to me the most as I drove around town taking care of my day.

Just be Held by
Casting Crowns

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

and barely leaves you holding on

 

And when you’re tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There’s freedom in surrender

lay it down and let it go

 

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

If your eyes are on the storm

You’ll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You’ll know I always have and always will

 

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you’ll understand

I’m painting beauty in the ashes

Your life is in my hands

 

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you will find Me

And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, and find your rest

In the arms of the God who won’t let go

 

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

 

 

 

 

The pain you feel today may be the strength you feel tomorrow

 

You know the struggles I have been having with Paxton. Last week it got so bad one day (and per a friend’s suggestion) I flat out demanded he go put shoes on, get his bat and meet me at the cage. I told him he would not be able to come back in the house until he was all out of anger. His anger was not welcome in our home. (I know he acts right around everyone else and he feels safe with me but there is a point when it can be too much for this mama to ignore or allow) 

I kept my mouth shut through his yelling at me for not working the machine right, yelling at himself for the way he swung or where the ball ended up, yelling he was mad at his dad for not being here to do this with him, and pounding his bat on the ground. After about 20-25 mins he threw his bat and exclaimed he was done and started walking to the house. I looked right at him and told him to get back over, he was NOT done until I told him he was done. 

To my surprise he came back, picked up the bat and got into his stance, he may have rolled his eyes but I let that slide. I reiterated that we could be out there as long as it took to leave his anger there and not bring it back in the house. He hit some bombs for the next 20-25 mins and finally said he was done and his anger was gone. We picked up all the balls scattered around our property, the wash next door, and the neighbors yard and didn’t talk about it again. 

Later on that night in the truck on the way to ride and rope he said “mom, thank you.”  I said “for what.”  He said “for making me hit.”  To be completely honest I was touched and proud, but all I said was “you’re welcome.” Sometimes making a big of a deal out of something is embarrassing and I know he is the type of kid who is easily embarrassed, but I was secretly melting on the inside.   

A breakthrough to say the least. I wouldn’t say things will all of a sudden be perfect, if I was raising an almost teenage son even who didn’t lose his dad the odds of a perfect relationship, with a perfect kid would not exist and we would have challenges anyway, he would test me no matter what. I am just hoping this is a lesson in tough love as well as a way to deviate anger he can use well into his adult years. I can but cannot wait to try this exercise again. ( oh believe me I’m certain I’ll use this exercise several times over the years) 

Sharing my orchard for coffee with a fellow griever last week was definitely good for both our souls. I tried to give her my undivided attention while I could with a few distractions along the way, but minimal I hope. I had a fire with a client, several house projects going on at the same time and lots of animals. Lol. She understood. 

She recently lost her son to an act of violence that as a mom I could never fathom. By telling me her story I just knew her strength and determination to help herself and the rest of her family learn to adjust to their new life without him was incredible, this is just the beginning of their journey but I got the impression from her dedication and determination she will flourish moving forward. Will it be easier I can guarantee it won’t, but she will be okay and she knows it is okay not to always be ok. That is half the battle, knowing that it is okay to fall apart sometimes as long as you don’t take up residence there.  

She has been reading my blogs since Steve passed and after she lost her son she resonated with the fact that I stress repeatedly that you never get over your loss, part of you dies with that person, your life as you knew it will never be the same, you don’t move on, you move forward and live along side your grief. Your grief and sadness doesn’t go away, time doesn’t necessarily heal, time just allows you to adapt and move forward.  

Hearing her story allows me to have a different perspective on what other people around me are going through as the world doesn’t stop for any of us whose world has stopped and is changed, forever. These are the kind of connections I love to make where Jesus shows us compassion for one another even though our circumstances are not the same and how we as Christians can serve one another through our tragedies.

 

We can never feel the same grief as someone else no matter even how similar our situations may be but we can extend an ear to listen, a word of encouragement, a hug or a helping hand through someone else’s struggle. In my experience lifting up someone else when they are down has always had an impact on me and helps bring my attitude, positive energy and mindset back up from its fall.  

The weekend having been my calendar first anniversary without Steve went a little uncontrolled emotionally, not how I planned or intended and way harder than anticipated. I may have been a bit of a mess, did and said some crazy things and cried A LOT.  

Some of my friends acknowledged, text, called and even showed up to rescue me. And even though they tried some of it just didn’t make it better, not their fault at all, I just couldn’t shake the overwhelming emotional strain I was experiencing.  

What stood out the most was when someone who has been going through some tough stuff of their own felt bad for even having a bad week compared to mine… there is the key words compared to. In no way was I trying to minimize her struggle even though she was. 

When someone says to me they are having a bad day or bad week or expresses the struggles they are encountering I try not to judge what they are going through or put a scale to it. You know how often we hear from 1-10 what is the magnitude of your circumstances? Someone’s 10 could be someone else’s 1. 

When I am having a bad day or week or struggling I do find relief just telling myself that someone out there is struggling more than me so then I must be grateful. I think of the widows with multiple kids and feel grateful that I have only one’s emotions to deal with besides my own. I have always been a silver lining person. 

I learned that early on from my childhood best friend who battle cancer for 3 years before she passed at the age of 10 but was the most positive person to this day I have ever met. I learned a lot watching her even as young as I was.  When someone says to me that their pity party or struggle seems silly compared to what I have/am experiencing I say that you cannot compare. No one has a right to judge or tell you your struggles aren’t as important as theirs or someone else’s.  Everyone is facing their own struggles, their own demons, their own everything in a different way.    

If you want to compare my story to yours to kick yourself in the behind to not unpack at your low and keep moving forward then by all means do what you have to but know I am not over here thinking my situation is far greater than yours what are you bitching about. I am not that person, or at least I try not to be. 

I may be in my own little world sometimes trying to climb out of the pit and unable to get out of that pit to help you at the time but if I can I will always try. I can’t stay in the pit for too long that is just not how I am wired. I’m the glass is fillable kind of girl. 

I love those of you who reach out with your stories and share them with me, even if you don’t post them on my blog or facebook the fact that what I write helps you actually helps me more than you will ever know. Our stories may all look different but you can contribute by sharing yours and gain from what someone else might in turn share with you. We can help each other in our journey and give or get a glimpse of hope in the process. It may not work for everyone but next time you are feeling down and out about your situation try lifting up someone else who is struggling it may just help you get through your own struggle. 

Ephesians 4:32-33 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.

First Anniversary without Him

 

I take you as you are now 

and in whom you will become 

loving what I know of you, 

trusting what I do not yet know.

No matter what life brings our way

I will be your best friend, 

Your confidant, 

And strongest supporter.

I will grow with you

In life and love 

For all the days of our lives.

I wrote our vows because I am a writer and frankly “in sickness and in health until death do us part” always sounded outdated and cliché to me. And I have witnessed over the years the amount of people who don't really put much weight on that promise. 

As we promised this to each other May 15, 2004, in front of all our family and friends I had no idea the  “all the days of our lives together” part would be cut so short. 

I was looking through anniversary cards this weekend that he had given me over the years, because why not read some sappy words and cry?  I may as well deplete all the tears I can for now right?!

I found a letter I wrote him for our 8th anniversary that reiterated these vows. I don’t really remember what we were struggling with, I think financially, backstory he had lost his job for 14 months, he was making less, I was making less, I wanted to quit my "job" at UOP and go back into real estate full time... etc.  I wanted to publish my book and he told me it was a “hobby”. I think it also had to do with him struggling with his anxiety at the time, which flared up during our marriage several times at greater levels than his daily struggles with it already gave him. I never could understand what he lived with as I only experienced it through my eyes and not his but I tried to be as compassionate as I could. 

Sometimes we just didn’t always see eye-to-eye or agree on everything but who does ?! None of us are perfect and I am a firm believer you can love more than one person and more than once… it just all depends on how much you are willing to forgo their not so good qualities to reap the benefits of what you love and enjoy about them,  and how often you are willing to renew that love and passion throughout the years and if the other person isn’t giving their 100% are you willing to make up the difference to make it work? I can’t stress enough the grass isn’t often greener on the other side. 

To share my letter to him with you:

May 15, 2012 

Happy Anniversary.

I wanted to say thank you for everything you have given me over the years. I am truly sorry that we are going through such rough times right now. I know it will work itself out. I believe in you, I believe in us, and I believe God has a plan to make us a stronger, closer couple through this. 

You make me laugh, you make me cry (both good and bad). I see your inner love for me and I know that it is still there. I struggle and know that if I respect you, your love for me will show again. I want you to know that everything I am doing, everything I am trying, everything I am sacrificing is because you are the number 1 person I am suppose to love. I know my ideas, like the book, are not short term fixes, they are long term goals that will set us up for a bright future.   I do these things because I love you, you make me feel safe and secure. You bring out the best and worst in me. It is all worth it because I chose you and you me. We made vows 8 years ago, to support and believe in each other, love unconditionally, without reservations. 

Let these words of our vows be remembered and  placed in our hearts each time we have doubts, each time we fail to believe in the other person. Let us live for each other, for our truly amazing son that we created together and for fulfilling a lifelong commitment. Not taking anything for grated, with a sense of gratitude for every blessing we have no matter how small, for the unknown that is yet to come our way, planning as best we can but living for each moment, knowing it could be taken from us in the blink of an eye, grateful for every moment whether it is easy, hard, difficult or rich, stormy or full of blessings. We don’t know what is around the corner no matter how hard we plan. Loving and caring for each other in this very moment in time is all we truly have, why miss it? Why linger on past regrets or future things that may never happen, plan YES, let it destroy us now, NO. 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:7

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1. 

I am sure some may ask why in the hell I just shared something so personal with you all?  Because we do not know what is around the corner, and sometimes no matter how hard we plan it doesn’t go the way we expect. 

So today I am telling you to Love a little more, complain a little less, take time for the people and things you value the most, be better than you were yesterday, learn the lesson, find the opportunity,  forgive others and yourself, say the things you want to say, make the call, send the card, show a little grace and a lot of mercy and live in your moment. The opportunities you have are limited to the time you have and no one knows when their time is up. Don't forget to laugh a lot! 

This is a passage from inside our wedding program from an author my mom and dad loved.

Taken from The Prophet:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love; 

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, 

Even the string of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together;

For the pillars of the temple stand apart, 

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. 

- Kahlil Gibran

I don’t know what God has planned for my future, but me being me, I am open to the possibilities. I am a planner but I also have been through enough in my life I find ways to accept the hand I have been dealt and I will make the most of what I am given, even sometimes when I just want to break down and throw in the towel. 

Steve and I may not have always had the “perfect” relationship over the past almost 24 years, but I am glad we never gave up at the same time. I will always love him, I am partly who I am because of him even though a part of me died right along with him.  Steve and I were not the same people right before he died that we were at 19 and 22 when we met. It took work, but we made it work through all the changes we experienced individually and with one another, we took the good with the bad and found a happy medium, every single time.  If I ever find love again, I will be beyond blessed, it will never replace what I had, and will definitely be a different kind of love from what I have already experienced, but I pray that the one takeaway (there are more than one) thing I have experienced and would want to do over again is the realization that in any “imperfect” relationship love isn’t measure by the breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away (Maya Angelou) and for those moments are the ones that truly define us. 

I will never be able to say I had that long enriching 50+ year relationship that I had dreamed of my whole life so far, but the time I was granted and the relationship I had I will always be grateful for it. 

When you rely on your visions

 

I remember growing up as a little girl who always loved to “play house.” I had a mom who always encouraged me to dream, pretend and be creative in my thinking. She taught me that hard work and determination can take you places and that if you really want something you should go for it. That you should always do the right thing and when you commit to things don’t disappoint others. Also that love is strong above all else, you should love God, love your family, love people in general and even love your enemies and pray for them often. Hence the LOVE tattoo I have on my right wrist of her handwriting. She loved me unconditionally and showed me by example how to love.

I remember more than anything how much I wanted to be a mom. I always had lots of dolls growing up and I remember when I pretended I had about 6 kids, all with names (don’t ask me now I don’t honestly remember except one, Audra Lynn (because that was almost what I was named instead of Danielle Rae.) I pretended they were in the car when we went places and we had to drop them off at friends houses and take them to doctor appointments, they would argue with one another and I would find solutions for them. My mom always played along. My imagination was intense sometimes.

In my later years I always thought I wanted boys. I was a girl and even though I wasn’t what you would consider “high maintenance” I knew how whiny, moody, and indecisive I was at times. I was enamored by boys and how messy, dirty, carefree, fun, and protective of me that they seemed.  I grew up with my dad’s cousin’s family who had 5 of them and I remember how fun it was to hang out with them on their property, go snowmobiling and 4-wheeling and go on road trips. When I was in high school one of them lived with us for a while. I have a half-brother who is 17 years older than me, and I didn’t ever really grow up with him, (he did like to tease me and take my barbie doll heads off (they never fit back on right again) because it made me so mad- don’t worry for Christmas this year he made amends and bought me an in-tact barbie doll so I finally forgave him. LOL.) I did always try to imagine what it would be like to have lots of siblings to “look after me and look up to.” I lived the life of an only child for the most part.

Fast forward to 19 years old, April 19^th 1998 , a girl I worked with at a tanning salon in Mesa while I was attending ASU hooked me up with a guy she dated in high school that she thought would be perfect for me. I remember thinking distinctly I’ll be the judge of that, but to my surprise I remember going to the Diamondbacks game and sitting there talking to get to know each other better (we talked on the phone a few times prior and did meet once before our first date) and watching the game there was a certain way that he looked at me and I just knew. When he dropped me off at my condo, I called my best friend Alana immediately even though her time difference was greater, she was in college and I knew she would be up, and I told her that I met the man I was going to marry.

Fast forward 6 years, we got married. It took him 5 to ask me but from that first day I knew, and I had to just enjoy my journey before we got there. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting married and I loved the life we lived, we both made decent money, could go on trips, pick up at the drop of a hat and do things and buy the things we wanted for our home or toys like his boat. We had a conversation about kids and he really didn’t want any. At the time our life was full and so I said ok. Sometimes there are people you come across that you just can’t picture fulfilling their life without giving life, and to most who knew me I was that person. I loved him and I loved what we had, and I couldn’t picture honestly starting all over to find someone who wanted kids.

So, what did I do, what most people do, enter into a relationship thinking that you can change them. I don’t necessarily recommend this, especially if they have habits, quirks, or ways of thinking that you aren’t in agreement with but not willing to accept, or just accept them for who they are because sometimes what you love about them far out weighs what you dislike and no one is going to be perfect, including you.  I will have to say you could spend your life on a mission trying to get someone to quit a habit or change their way of thinking but in most cases, you are not going to ever change a person unless they WANT to change, and you could make yourself unhappy or miserable in the process. It isn’t because they don’t love you enough, it is just something inside of them that is holding on to something due to their own internal battles. You are not going to get a drug addict, smoker, cheater, sex addict, abuser, etc… to change unless they WANT to change, no matter how much they love you.

Put it this way, I said ok to his not wanting kids but deep down I knew that I couldn’t picture my life without kids in it and when my biological clock yearned for them (can’t even explain this, the feeling is just there and your inside aches and it really doesn’t go away and it is all you can think about.)  I wanted to have a kid and when I broached the subject with him, he wasn’t all convinced, but he reluctantly agreed that we could try and 11 months later when I took that test, I was so excited, I couldn’t wait to run out to the kitchen and celebrate together. He was in the kitchen standing at the island of our old house and I came out beaming with excitement. I remember the disappointed look on his face when I told him. My whole being was crushed as this was not the reaction my brain ran as a scenario in my head of how this was supposed to happen. The scared little boy inside him who was like “oh shit, what now, why in the world did I say yes to this, our life is going to completely change and I can’t be as selfish as I have been over the years with what I want, I have to share her with some little being that I have no idea how to handle and will probably get most of her attention, I won’t be number 1 anymore.” All valid concerns.

Steve woke me up one night in the middle of the night before we knew the sex to tell me that he had the whole room planned out if Paxton was going to be a boy. A Cars room, complete with diamond plated metal, 3D metal car art on the walls, a craftsman tool bench for a changing table, black crown molding and baseboards, it was so distinctly designed that I felt excited for him for the very first time since I told him I was pregnant. I had hope. Steve has always had great ideas and been a designer and that is when I knew that he was growing on the idea of having a kid, and I prayed heavily for a boy… LOL.

To be honest he stayed selfish for the first few years, he didn’t really like being left alone with him, he wasn’t the dad who got up in the middle of the night because he needed his sleep to function properly at work the next day, even though he knew I had to be at work in Phoenix by 5, he didn’t give up fishing or going to the gym, and he rarely changed a diaper. When Paxton had colic and reflux issues or could cry for long periods of time, I was the one who tended to him, I was the one who wanted him, and I just accepted this. I will tell you when that kid could walk and talk and play, they were best friends, Steve’s whole world changed and we over the years rarely did anything together without our kid, almost everything we did as a family, and he was quick to include and teach Paxton everything he knew. So grateful for this now, not many 12-year-old kids know as much as he does at this point in their life. That was a man who loved that kid more than life itself and was better for having what he didn’t think he wanted.

I remember discussing that I wanted 3 boys (not that at the time I could chose the gender), I was an “only child” and I didn’t want my kid to grow up like that, and I figured the third would balance the other two. What did I know, but 3 seemed like a good number.  At first Steve wasn’t too keen on the idea of more kids, he always said he wished we had twins to start, and we could be done. By the time he agreed to have more Paxton was 4 and my mom got sick. Overwhelmed by work, life, a little boy, and taking care of my mom, we put it off. Paxton was 5 when she died, I grieved and didn’t really think about it at the time. By the time we discussed it again he was 7 and I decided I didn’t want to go through pregnancy again or the baby stage, I hated being pregnant and I hated the last month of my pregnancy, the hypertension and the extend of 6 months after he was born before my blood pressure returned to normal. He had a knot in his umbilical cord when he was born at 37 ½ weeks old, had jaundice and some respiratory problems for the first 4-5 years and there was also the fear of being an older mom with complications that could arise for me or the next child. I just accepted the fact that I was only meant to birth one. Sometimes things happen for reasons that we don’t really understand.

I know it was a stretch marrying a man who didn’t want a kid and convincing him to have one, but to be honest I am so glad it worked out the way it did. Motherhood is amazing, I wouldn’t trade it or him for the world. Fast forward to this past year when Steve got sick, and our family went through the emotional roller coaster that it did with his illness and death and the months after and adjusting and grieving that have brought us to yesterday, my 8^th Mother’s Day without my mom, ( I wished she could be here for me at this moment but I have accepted it is part of a greater plan that she is not) and  first Mother’s Day as a single mom.  I am a survivor and I know that I would survive and thrive even if we didn’t have a kid, but I would say no matter how irritated I get with him sometimes, I couldn’t imagine doing it without him and for this I will ever be grateful. He is so much his dad in a lot of ways, and I love that I have daily reminders, even the annoying ones. Now to just stay strong and raise him to be a good adult with the things he learned from his dad and the things he will still learn from me shaping him into his own person. I look forward to being a good example and strive to teach him to have faith like his momma, to love like my momma did, believe like my dad and have a vision for what he wants like his dad.

My new journey is just beginning, and I am grateful he is part of my story. Being a mom is one of the most rewarding things in my life thus far and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Everything that we encounter in life contributes to who we currently are and who we will become. I will forever be grateful for this present Steve gave me, a legacy of love.

 If you are not growing and changing, adapting, and striving to be better than you were yesterday, doing what you love with passion and heart, finding and fulfilling your purpose then you truly aren’t living to your full potential. Do it with Grace for yourself and others, Belief that you can do great things, Faith that no matter how much it waivers you rely on it to get you through, Hope for a future that is right for you, Trust in the timing of your life, and with Love in your heart.

A poem I wrote for my mom in high school. 

Mother

She is the inspiration 

who comforts me in times of need,

A permanent figure of loyalty, 

A listener of troubles, 

An encourager of doubts. 

The time we spend together, 

Is fun within itself. 

We do things for each other

Not thinking of ourselves. 

It's nice to know 

The times we share

Aren't wasted by empty thoughts.

She knows my faults and sorrows, 

But she loves me just the same.

I'm glad to know I have a friend that's there until the end. 

- Dani Rae 1996

I can’t make this stuff up.

 

If you guys didn’t think the fridge was enough going out on me this week yesterday was the icing on the cake. 

Let me just preface by saying I am very blessed that I am a positive person and have unwavering faith. 

Oh I may have gotten to my breaking point and cried once again apparently that’s my thing these days. But tears are definitely cleansing. And there is a freeing when we fall apart, as long as we put ourself back together. 

As things started to build up yesterday I tried my hardest to stay put together.  

I’m almost embarrassed to write this blog because half this stuff I probably couldn’t have made up to tell a story but it is what happened and I’m willing to share. 

My day started on such a positive note I was excited to go share a woman of strength brunch with about 50 other women and listen to a powerful motivational speaker who shared her story about struggling, choices, temptations , defeat, and triumphs! 

I was definitely motivated to go make my day successful to be positive and know despite my circumstances I am truly blessed - Little did I know the rest of the day‘s events would need her boost when I received it or my attitude and self-pity could’ve been in a completely different position when I got to bed last night , well this morning at about 1 o’clock. 

Note to self as I need the reminder daily. Trust the timing of my life. 

After brunch, an appointment, several errands including getting hay and feed and groceries to replace all the spoiled stuff in my refrigerator, I didn’t get home until a little after 4 o’clock. 

Greeted by the pool guy as I pulled up he went to the backyard to get my pool all nice and sparkly, ready for the weekend and keeping it maintained. 

I went inside and Paxton had done most of his list of chores while I was gone for the day without complaining and for that I am truly grateful. When I asked him why he didn’t work with his horse like he was going to he said that it was so wet outside that he couldn’t even tie her up to brush her or get her ready to take her to our neighbors arena and round pen!

Rewind to the day before when I shut off the landscaping timer because the orchard had once again started flooding behind the horses fence. I automatically thought it was a timer because that’s what had happened last time and it got stuck on and watered for nine hours and the soil can’t handle that much water at one time. Little did I know until the pool guy started coming towards the house that it was flowing through the horse area from behind the orchard into the wash which was filled up. The water was up to the top of my beloved deck and standing. No way to tell where it was even coming from. We got the water shut off from the house to the backyard which mind you shuts off everything- All the water to the animal pens and any plants/trees and garden it’s hooked to. 

The landscaper told me he could come on Monday and try to figure out what the issue was so we could get it repaired. And I figured I could just turn the main water on to fill up the animal water as necessary but something wouldn’t keep running continuously. My water in March was almost $300 from the orchard flooding twice. In April I had my pool drained and the tile cleaned and filled back up. Cant imagine that is cheap. So not sure May will get any better after water ran for about 24 hours. 

Someone was coming over this weekend to move the dirt around so I can get all my animal pens set up appropriately and the water re-distributed after we had the pigs butchered and wanting to turn the pen back into a horse pen with an automatic waterer instead of the nipples Steve put in for the pigs to drink from. With all the standing water I don’t think that’s going to be something possible this weekend. Another ping of disappointment but I am confident it will get done.  

As my pool maintenance guy was leaving he informed me that he had tried for about 20 minutes to get my pool vacuum unstuck and he would take it with him to see what he can do otherwise I might need to buy a new one. In my head all I thought was “shit happens”. 

I cleaned out my garage refrigerator as best as I could to get my food in there since my inside refrigerator isn’t being fixed until the 18th. 

I made dinner, we ate and I went into my room to discover one of the dogs threw up on my bed. I actually rolled my eyes even though there was no one to roll them at. I removed the soiled comforter and threw it in the washing machine. 

About an hour later I decided to go into a bathroom to use it. Went pee and flushed the toilet. Paxton came running in my room pointing and I ran out there and my half bath where the toilet is currently missing because we’re redoing the floors in our house came up from my septic and flooded under the walls into the hall into my kitchen and living space.  Luckily it’s mostly concrete and about half the room full of new tile- no carpet no baseboards to contend with. Here I go again looking for the positive.  

I was honestly at my wits end talking to my friend on the phone and completely bawling my eyes out. 

I should honestly be laughing at this point because it’s just so unreal it’s funny. 

Paxton and I quickly gathered up all the towels we could find in our house clean and dirty ones! And started sopping up septic water. Yuck. 

A quick phone call to an old friend who owns a plumbing/HVAC company and he had someone at my house in 30 minutes.  

Apparently my leech lines are at the end of where the orchard was leaking, and one of my neighbors read online for me that heavy rains or standing water can cause your septic to back up I’m hoping that’s all it was.  

40+ towels later, ( don’t even ask why I own so many - grateful now)  the new next door neighbor who happened to have an industrial fan I could borrow offered and I used some spray bleach to treat the floors and my newly laid not yet grouted tile. 

Picture this piles of drenched towels I was picking up with a huge scoop shovel and dumping on my front porch to set overnight so I could make sure I soaked up as much standing water as I could. 

Not really wanting to wash at midnight. 

Did I mention both of my closings for this month the buyers cancelled! One changed their mind the other didn’t end up qualifying after the lender discovered a late payment that was made in February that finally hit their credit. Reminder, don’t lie on your loan application the stuff catches up and you end up wasting 2-3 weeks of sellers like mine’s time on market. 

I have a single story ensuite with 3 bed and 3 bath and a two story 6 bed 4 bath with pool and spa in case anyone is looking in Florence, AZ, hit me up. 

I woke up at 5:40 AM because my internal clock can’t ever seem to make it to 6 AM. I am alive, I am not homeless, as far as I know I am healthy and today is a new day. This was all stuff that I couldn’t control and therefore I can just move forward and find solutions.  

May you all have blessed days and know that you may not always have a good day but like the saying goes you can always find something good in your day.  I can definitely name more than one thing but I will say that hopefully all this stuff happened close together so I can find peace for a little while without something major or minor interrupting my flow. 

I Said it Out Loud

 

So I’m going to be real with you guys probably the most vulnerable I’ve been so far. I’m not proud of what I said, but I said it, which means I thought it more than once in my overthinking head. 

So shall my words be that goes out for my mouth it shall not return to me empty but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. 

Isaiah 55:11. 

Not sure my words align with the passage above or what purpose they served today but they were said nonetheless and hopefully the outcome is for the better and not worse by being said out loud. 

I am sure there are things you have thought and never said. Things you may be glad you kept to yourself and things you wished you would have said that you bottled up or never had the opportunity to say and regretted it. 

What I write is intended for me to heal and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of anything that I say and you read. Why because it actually happens, it’s things I think, it’s ways I feel and it’s true. What if just one person relates to my sharing and it makes all the difference for them. Therefore I cannot NOT share and I share as true as I feel. Not sugarcoated,  not intended to be what someone wants to hear but the God honest truth of what goes through my mind and happens to me on the daily.  Some of you might think I’m absolutely normal  and some of you might think I’m absolutely a crazy hot mess! Either way you’re probably right depending on the occasion. 

From previous reads I’m sure you’ve gathered I’ve been having tough times with Paxton lately. His respect level for one which was a lot higher for Steve than it is of me. My struggle of feeling guilty that he’s lost his dad to soon and trying to make up for it in certain ways, trying to be a nurturer, a comforter, a provider, trying to be a discipliner and trying to teach my son to be a good adult, a good friend, a good husband to someone someday and hopefully, a good father. It’s not easy. And I only have one. Today I talked to an old friend, who  knows someone who just got into real estate, a widow with five kids. I cannot even imagine her struggles compared to mine.

Life isn’t fair, but I sure as hell should be able to handle one kid. No excuses. I know it’s an adjustment. But I don’t feel like I’ve been doing the best job I possibly could. But when you’re trying to juggle your own grief and your child’s it’s a whole new level than just your own, God bless the widow with multiples.

After struggling this morning and sticking to my guns sticking to  not allowing Paxton to have anything that he doesn’t earn. Having told him no multiple times today. A threat to have his phone taken away, arguing about respect, doing chores, and what is necessary to keep us going all while trying to work, be a good friend, a connector, an influencer, grieve myself, try to stay sane and remember half of what I need to do, etc. It can be exhausting. It runs so much more smoothly with a positive outlook… like I have said before, just because our world stopped, the world didn’t stop. I will receive grace from others, but for how long? And how much do I extend to myself? No rules… no guidelines… no one is monitoring me or telling me how, when or what to do next. I am seriously winging it. 

The middle of the day was pretty good between us. Toward evening a favor to him, to go fishing with a couple buddies, of which one couldn’t go without a parent so I couldn’t just drop them off and go to the grocery store like I had intended.  I actually sat there and read a book so they could fish, and that friend could go along. He promised me when he got home he would do everything I asked… 

Until he didn’t. Until he tried to get me to do something for him. And I pretty much flew off the handle. I just wasted two hours trying to do something nice for you, and you have to give me a hard time I told him. We argued back-and-forth and I finally said it, you were so much more respectful of your dad and I’ve asked you before to pay me that respect that I deserve and that your dad would get mad at you for if you weren’t giving it to me, why wouldn’t you want to treat me like your dad? I’m tired of being lenient, I’m tired of making up excuses for the way that you’re acting and treating me. I wish it was me that would’ve died instead of your dad then you would be happier. 

Oh My Gosh I actually said that out loud. Wow! There are no take backs for that right?! 

I said it as I walked away, and therefore I didn’t see what expression he must’ve had on his face as I said it. But all the sudden he just said mom stop don’t say that that it isn’t true… he grabbed me around the neck from behind and hugged me so tight! 

Was I fishing, was I trying to get him to reassure me after all these months of him letting me know over and over again I am not his dad, I don’t do things like his dad would, I don’t say things that his dad would have, I don’t understand his concerns, or throwing in my face I must be over his dad when I try to get him to think positive and be happy and remind him that we are still here and can’t live in sadness all the time. Was I unintentionally fishing for what I wanted him to say? Or did I finally just have enough of me giving into him and being lenient and trying to make up for the fact he lost his dad and I caved in at my disappointment of myself, and how I have handled things, that I said such a harsh thing out loud. 

I questioned myself why after I said it, even though I’ve thought it plenty (no one talks to us more harshly then we do in our own heads) but I honestly think we will be better off that I did say it. How I don’t know, but I feel my release lifted a huge burden off my shoulder to just hear that he never wanted me to say that again. That no matter which one of us died he would still be in the same sad place, he would still be angry that it happened. He agreed there is no magical time frame or number of months where you should all of a sudden live along side your grief instead of smack dab in the middle of it. There is no cure all for heartache, you can mend it but it will never again be completely whole and there is nothing saying that you can’t move forward and then completely backward a few days or months later. Everyone of us is different, our emotions, personalities, experiences and fears. 

The best thing you can do in grief is be honest with yourself and others and to communicate your fears, your reservations, your moods, your anxieties about the future and your hopes and dreams again someday to your support system so they know how to handle you. It shouldn’t be a guessing game and people shouldn’t be afraid to be real with you. 

Not only did we lose a whole person when Steve died but a part of me and a part of Paxton as well. We will never be the same people and we have to be patient and understand how to respect, get along with, communicate with and flourish with  who we are now and who we will become because of our circumstances. 

Everything you experience in life has made you who you are today and going forward what happens will affect who you become. You chose though how you react to all of it. 

You become better or bitter. I hope you chose better, I know I have every intention of choosing better. 

It is not what happens to you that matters but how you react to it that matters. -Epictetus  

Maybe now I can banish my ugly thought because I finally said it out loud and can put it to rest so I am not internally haunted by it’s internal presence, and to never say or think it again. 

All I can  do is pray to be a better person tomorrow then I was today, hopefully that sets an example in itself for Paxton to always strive to be a better person as well.