Goodbye 2023, Hello New Year New You

 

Traditions run deep in a lot of families.  I remember growing up getting together every Christmas season to make a multitude of pierogies with my aunts and cousins, surrounded by love, laughter and sometimes scolding and bickering, lol. An assembly line making and filling dough, and stuffing, sealing, and boiling dumplings to fry on Christmas Eve. My great-Bushie used to make all her dough on the kitchen table no bowl required… thank God for technological advances and KitchenAid. Being Polish, (both my grandmothers were) we didn’t eat meat on Christmas Eve, just perch, my Papa’s potato soup, potatoes, cottage cheese, herring pierogies, oplatki, and chruscikis. First, I made mostly potato, kraut, and cheese filling. As a kid my favorite was always cheese, a sweet cheese blend consistent between cottage cheese and ricotta texture. Later, my Bushie started including meat in them, as our family grew and changed and so did taste buds.  As I got older and moved away, I continued to make them with my mom for a few years and then by myself when she passed away. I have stuffed them with a bunch of different things we have tried because of someone’s suggestion, not limited to but as my memory finds, Philly cheesesteak, chorizo, pizza (meat, pizza sauce and cheese), chicken and alfredo, and chili. I am sure there were more I have tried. I now consistently stick to taco meat and cheese, potato and cheese, and sweet kraut, the most popular. Too many varieties is just all that much work for me. As I got older my tastebuds changed and my craving for sweet cheese turned into wanting kraut more which I would never be caught dead eating before I was in my 20’s. Oh how our taste buds change just like we do, as we grow and acquire new things that satisfy and those that no longer do.

Because Steve’s family had their own traditions, we would eat them as part of our Christmas Day celebration instead of Christmas Eve, like when I was growing up, but I have religiously made them every year despite how time consuming they are. That is the thing as you age, things change and sometimes you must change with them. That doesn’t mean your tradition is lost, just altered, and developing to fit your needs, wants and family dynamic.

This year seemed to flood me with a plethora of emotions while preparing them. Listening to Christmas music trying to get in the making mood, I reminisced of years ago, how our family functioned, thrived and then the broken relationships over the years, the thoughts and memories of loved ones passed on and this year being the first year Paxton and I would spend Christmas morning ourselves for our 3^rd Christmas without Steve. I think I cried more in the few days surrounding Christmas than I have in a while. Mostly not on cue and just random unfortunately. Which annoyed me even more, my mascara is expensive and messy, lol.  It is supposed to be the happiest time of year and somehow it was not, and no amount of effort was helping make it, even making cookies didn’t make me smile which it usually does, if you know me you know baking and cooking relaxes me and makes me feel satisfied to share with everyone.  

To be completely forthcoming Christmas this year sort of sucked. I hate saying this as I am sure there are far more scenarios of people worse off than us. And Christmas is a special time of year to reflect on the good and true meaning, and I felt distracted from allowing it to refresh and renew my spirit.  But mentally it just wasn’t my year. Christmas Eve and Day I probably sported some puffy eyes and I felt completely drained. I woke up and made my cinnamon rolls which didn’t rise correctly but still had Paxton deliver to our neighbors trying to be in a peppy/giving mood, went to help an elderly neighbor with a warranty issue he needed to email and couldn’t figure out, played a little Santa with some gifts for others , and tried to be the happy go lucky person I almost always am.

Christmas Day neither Paxton nor I had enough patience for one another or much going or not going our way around us. Our tense moods and limited tolerance did not prove to be a positive setting for our “sadness”. By late afternoon we made ourselves presentable, said a quick prayer and made our way over to Steve’s family for Christmas Day dinner (including our pierogies, and Paxton’s special request for me to make Donna’s potato salad, our first Christmas without her) Joined by ham, funeral potatoes, and homemade pizzas on my brothers-in-law’s new outdoor pizza oven we were stuffed by the end of the night. We made it through all of it, enjoyed our company, some great food and a few laughs and our day ended on a happy note much to my surprise and content. But I was mentally exhausted and ready for it to be over. Not every year has to be perfect and maybe there was some lesson learned or maybe we just needed to feel our feelings. It was pointed out to me that I spend most of my time occupied because it makes me happy to be distracted but sometimes, I just need to feel and let it happen, deal with the sadness, pain, and discomfort to move forward having dealt with my feelings instead of deferring them and feel okay about it. When you have someone supporting you and accepting you for who you are, what you need and how you feel with absolutely no judgement it makes all the difference. I need to recognize that I don’t have to push my feelings under the rug or try to pretend like nothing bothers me and put on a happy front all the time. It isn’t realistic, and it isn’t expected, and I absolutely love that I can be who I am all the time. I am learning to allow myself the grace that others give me.

In anticipation of coming to Indiana for 10 days I felt like there was a lot that needed to be accomplished before leaving. I was trying to make everything come together which also didn’t prove to be going as smoothly as I would like. One thing that I will tell you is to plan a vacation or getaway and they will come. Seems like new and past clients need you the most when you take a vacation. I wrote an offer on the beach in Hawaii one time. I am totally not complaining, I signed up for this schedule 22 years ago and I love it.

Since being in Indiana hanging with my family for the last few days, I have had 6 listing inquiries, 3 new listings coming up and 2 new buyers. I cannot complain. I can feel that lower interest rates coming and holidays slipping away that 2024 will be a year of prosperity and production. Six dry months (the first time in my 22-year career) is about to end and a new and prosperous year is just over the horizon welcoming me with open arms. My motivation is at an all-time high and my focus has been renewed. I will return to Arizona, my home for 26+ years refreshed, filled with hope, and concentrating on what God intends to send my way using my strengths and talents to serve a purpose higher than my goals or dreams could ever fathom.

2023 has given me lots of ups and downs, struggles, crushed some of my ego, tested my compassion and questioned my level of commitment to helping others, presented new beginnings, tried my patience, given me things to think about, hope for, and most of all a reason to be thankful for all of it, despite the challenges. I look forward to taking all that I have endured, the lessons I have learned and the people that I have met and those I have removed from my life into the next year in eager anticipation of a 2024 full of a lot more things to be thankful for. I am not the person I was 3 years ago or 1 year ago for that matter, if I was, I might be worried. With each passing year I hope that all that I endure, discover and experience makes me more of who I truly am, a person fulfilling their purpose while I am still here. Not to be morbid but no matter what we do while we are here, we will all face the same outcome, death. Why not be remembered for the good you did or the difference you made while you could.

Little steps can go a long way. If you are making a New Year’s Resolution, make it so that you can fulfill it. Don’t reach too high or pick something that doesn’t follow your path. Only pursue that which sparks something inside you, follows your passion or makes you feel fulfilled. It is a lot easier to commit in small increments over time than change big all at one time. Set yourself up for success not failure and don’t let the noise around you get inside and corrupt your goals or dreams. And whatever you do don’t pursue someone else’s dream! Life truly isn’t a competition. We all have specific talents, knowledge, and purposes, embrace yours.

Trust the timing of your life. Enjoy every moment and your journey. This is your story, write it well and leave your unique stamp on the world. 

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. – Ecclesiates 3:11 NLT

A gentle reminder and a different look to Christmas

 And we successfully made it through semester 1 of High School, barely in some classes but there is always next semester. And yes, I did say we. For a mom who is fully vested in her kid, this was my experience too! I must witness the days when his hair doesn’t turn out right, he forgets to do an assignment, water spills all over his backpack and had to replace a school laptop and math book, an open container of lotion in a front pocket that ruined just about everything in the pocket including his mechanical pencils that I seem to buy on a regular basis anyway because kids steal them from him all the time, so I just threw them away and started over after I cleaned the lotion out (yes, that was a mess), he feels bullied by some kids at school sometimes (the way he dresses, his hair, his weight, the fact that a lot of his friends are girls(these guys are jealous), kids can be so cruel, his head hurts, he thinks a teacher is stupid and so on. He is the NICE kid and I know that he can’t see it now, but I guarantee it pays off for him later in life. We have had a lot of changes this past year that have affected both of us in good and bad ways. For a kid who is rarely sick he missed quite a few days from sickness, the latest being 6 days of school laid up with pneumonia for 9 at home and that sure didn’t help him from getting behind further than he was from his already lack of focus. We did get the ok by the Pediatric Cardiologist to start him on the meds and Paxton doesn’t think so, (or so he says to me) but I will say since December 1 he has shown improvement to me on his focus and concentration. Dare I say helping him study and watching him fill out study guides for finals last week, his penmanship is even nicer.

Mom over here is struggling with a few things. Vulnerability at its best I haven’t sold a house since June. The market is weird, I have been in the business for 22 years and I have never gone this long without selling a house. I have listings, I have buyers, I have things that have fallen through, I have had missed opportunities and I have experienced a lot of overwhelming things in the past 6 months. I started a new business which I might say is getting off the ground and I expect to be a good profitable business soon, but it takes time, concentration, and effort. I feel that real estate will pick up for me in the next few months and I will get back on track with my efforts being fully rewarded. I am still the same giver, lover, and helper that I have always been. I try to recognize others needs and help meet them when I can, even without that income coming in. In my line of work, any of it, there is no guarantee, and you must be prepared for the lulls. This lull, however, seems strange, extreme, and disappointing to me as I want and need to be a successful contributor as the soul support of Paxton and I and our lifestyle.  But I know that struggling with what my purpose is now at this stage in my life verses six months ago, is taking a little more time to figure out than normal and losing that more steady income that I have been used to is nothing shy of a little scary. Do any of us really know what our future holds? We don’t I am living proof of that. I can only get up every day and prepare myself to give as much effort as I can to accomplishing what I need for us to thrive.

Yesterday I posted a story on social media, that said, don’t use your energy to worry, use your energy to believe. How profound is that. Worry will never change our situation! Neither will getting upset about something you cannot change! So why do we do it?  I can worry, I can fret, I can claim not fair all day long, but in the end it isn’t getting me any closer to the goal or end result I am looking for and it is just making me stressed the hell out over the unknown, that most of which I cannot control- there are too many other factors besides what I am able to control that could potentially skew the outcome I am hoping for! That doesn’t mean I don’t keep working hard, it doesn’t mean I give up and it doesn’t mean that I surrender. It just means, I accept, adjust, and keep on moving forward. I am not sharing this with you for any pity, for any help or to brag that I am still able to survive on not having a steady paycheck for 6 months. I am just wanting to point out that we all struggle, we go through ups and downs. No one’s life is perfect, no relationship is perfect, no circumstance is perfect. We just have to adjust to what we have, rely on the support around us, find our niche, accept our circumstances and choose the right attitude and approach. And in my 44 years I have come to realize most of the times things fall into place just like they should. Trust the timing of your life. Trust that God doesn’t always prevent things from happening, but He is right there next to you while you experience them.

The holidays are here, and I am missing a lot of people, reminiscing on old traditions and memories made. Maybe you lost someone this year close to you, maybe you are taking yourself back to fond memories passed of someone who has been gone awhile now, maybe you are worried about someone dear to you who is close to crossing over the other side, and you are just waiting for when it will happen. In any case we have all experienced a loss of some kind and this time of year it seems projected as we go about our busy schedules trying to make the holidays memorable for all who are still here. From Steve to my mom, dad, grandparents, Steve’s mom (our first Christmas without her), Grammy and so on. All the people who had a profound impact on my life and ones that had special meaning and memories of holidays shared. This will be our first different kind of Christmas since Steve died and by that I mean our third Christmas without him but our first Christmas waking us just us. Our first Christmas without Steve my brother came and shared it with us and we woke up Christmas morning to laughter, and sharing, gifts and giving, food and family, he helped transition that first Christmas alone for us. Last year we traveled to Indiana and woke up surrounded by my Aunt, Uncle, cousins with their significant others and dogs running around us to occupy our hearts and minds. This Christmas is going to look a little different. In a way I am excited to see what Paxton and I can share with one another starting a new tradition just the two of us but also a little nervous that our hearts will be a little full of sadness Christmas morning by ourselves. No excitement over what Santa will bring to lighten the heaviness in our hearts. I will have cinnamon rolls to make, and Paxton will love to deliver to the neighbors and have something to do to occupy a little of his time. We have decided to do church on Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve this year, this will give us something to do in between opening presents together and going to see my Father- in-law and the family later in the afternoon for dinner and gifts.

I woke up with a goal in mind today. Dump the trailer full of trash from the garage and shed that we have been working to gather and dispose of over the past months of useless things we have collected or saved over the last 10 years we have lived here, trying to get more organized, less cluttered and centered in our lives and frankly find the things we need to use more easily. It rained on and off all night and continues as I write this. I decided to start making fillings for my pierogies and wrapping more gifts since a trip to the dump this morning doesn’t seem feasible, lots of mud, rain and just not ideal. A trip to my bedroom with a pan of meat on my stove was probably not the best choice I have made with 3 dogs in my house… so now I must go back to the store and start again. Really! UGH! In the grand scheme of things, I need to, as my sister-in-law just reminded me of my tattoo, just breathe! Neither one of these situations is detrimental to life, our day, our overall wellbeing and should not affect my mood, demeanor, or rest of my day unless I give them permission to. I decided I won’t! It isn’t worth the stress, worry or negative energy that I would give it!

I also see Christmastime a little differently this year, as Paxton and I continue to adjust to new surroundings including Mark and his son being a part of our lives now. Not fully incorporated into our everyday lives but part of our life every day. Not necessarily for the Christmas Eve or Day celebrations we will be having but just for the fact that they are in our lives and incorporating how that looks like now for us and what it means for future celebrations. Being delicate to respect Paxton’s feelings, their own traditions as well as the newness of everything! Juggling is what life is all about sometimes. I am fully focused on enjoying life in the NOW, as none of it is a guarantee… I woke up to a phone call from a family friend whose husband passed in the middle of the night. So close to Christmas I reflected on what that looks like and means for their family as well as a reminder that nothing is promised to us no matter how much we prepare, plan, fret, or worry, things just happen. It is how we approach, handle, and perceive what we experience that makes the most difference.

A friend of mine I have written about before she is my rock as far as everyone choosing to be bitter or better despite their circumstances was thrown another curve ball a few days ago, when her sole source of income for the last 12 years decided to shut their doors a week before Christmas. Wow, talk about life changing. I know that her journey there was never guaranteed it isn’t for any of us that work in a commission-based business or even a hourly or salaried one for that matter. But it is a shocker, a disappointment and a fight or flight kind of feeling when you are left in the unknown. These are the times that you must choose to and concentrate on what you are grateful for in life over the things you have lost, didn’t accomplish, or passed you by. They may not have been meant to be or you may just be turning the page to the next chapter that will deliver things you never thought were imaginable.

I am grateful for a lot of things. My health, my home, my accomplishments, my determination, my strong will, my ability to forgive others and myself, my perseverance, my kind heart, my compassion for others,  a son who despite obstacles has an amazing head on his shoulders and will inevitably turn out to be an amazing man someday, a boyfriend who with every new day makes me feel more loved, happy and grateful and brings joy to my life part two, his adorable son who brings what seems to be a spark to Paxton’s inner child which I think he seemed to have lost over the past few years, and all the love and support of family and friends who believe in me, comfort me, encourage me and help me want to be a better person every day. This despite setbacks, loss, finances, and dog eaten pierogi filling is what brings out the true meaning of Christmas. Concentrate on all the things good and you will see more good things. Bad things are inevitable, don’t ignore them, but don’t let them take over your life.

Merry Christmas to Everyone may God shine His light upon you wrap His arms around you and comfort you despite your circumstances this year. If you have an empty chair may the memories of it full and the things you liked the most about that person fill your hearts with love and light, peace and comfort. May you reflect on all the good things that surround you this holiday season and in your everyday lives and bring you joy, make you feel loved, and encourage you to move forward to your next chapter with an open mind and heart for what is meant for your story. If you woke up this morning you still have a purpose go pursue it! This is your time for second chances, don’t let it pass you by!