Ugh! The clutter is just getting to me. I have never wanted to throw away just about everything and start over in my life. The amount of tools, equipment, junk, work stuff, phone stuff, fishing stuff, sports stuff, baby chicks, feed, baby chick bedding, leftover baseboards, paint cans, boxes, wires, bikes, motor bikes, shelving with endless amounts of stuff on it, my mom’s stuff I kept after she died, collectables I just don’t want anymore, egg cartons, junk, junk and more junk, I am sure I am missing something in my garage is enough to make this OCD when it comes to clutter-free personality want to cry on a daily basis every time I walk through there to get to my car. Why do we accumulate so much or think we need to save it?!
I actually considered using my front door to enter and
exit from now on. There is just so much stuff and trying to tackle it all seems
like such a headache, long process and a sure-fire disaster. Steve knew where
everything was, I feel like it is just a huge cluster! But my head space is
just filled with so much stuff right now, purging seems like the answer to
clearing up some of the clutter up there and in the garage at the same time and
releasing some of my anxieties, frustrations, and fears. Especially some of the
stuff I have accumulated most recently taking up unnecessary space in my head
that I just can’t seem to let go of no matter what thoughts I am thinking! If
you know, you know!
At my grief share group last night one of the other
participants and I had a brief conversation about this similar issue and the
things that when his wife died, he just let go, accumulate or didn’t attend to,
made me relate in more ways then I would like to admit. I have poor looking gardens,
plants that need to be replaced, 2 trees that I just couldn’t save this winter,
flower beds that need new dirt, a exterior that when you look at it for more
than a second desperately needs a fresh coat of paint, this winters rains have
created weeds, weeds and more weeds and I have sprayed and pulled and pulled
some more and they just keep coming back! LOL!
Some days it just seems so overwhelming and then I remember how blessed
I am to have what I have, love where I live, and enjoy what I can when I can.
Steve would be so irritated right now if he saw how
everything looked, he took such pride in the things that he designed, the work
that he did, and the things that he had and I just cringe when I think of how I
have let some of it go, some of it I don’t even care about, and some of it I
just wished that he was here to just fix, do, and take care of. Our grief share
session was all about WHY! Why do we have to deal with some of the things we go
through, emotions we face, and responsibilities that we didn’t ask for? I can only
do so many things, I can only handle so many things and still feel sane. My
biggest goal is to raise my son to be the best adult that he can be. Everything
else is absolutely secondary to that. And sometimes I need to give myself grace,
take a breath and allow myself to grieve. No one places a cap on grieving, no
timelines are set in stone and relapses can happen, steps can be taken backwards,
and days can be sad, and tears upon tears can be shed. One day you can feel
amazing and the next not so much.
I came home from work today and decided today was the day to purge! Like everything that I don’t want needs to go… NOW! Did I mention I lack patience when I really want something?! I bought Paxton a weight set for Christmas from a fellow Realtor friend and it is still yet to be put together! Her significant other is coming to help put it together tomorrow morning and I needed space to put it! Thank God for small blessings, I am not above trying to read directions, but manual labor and mechanical things are not my strong point! The air-conditioned garage seemed like quite a better choice than my back patio for placement! I feel like Paxton, and I can bond working out together a few days a week, and I will tell you the motivation would not be there on my back patio when it is 110-120 degrees, nor would I feel like it would look appealing out there. So hence the purging from 3 pm to 8:30-ish and no end in sight.
Thanks to a supportive friend who helped me move a few things, swept out my garage, and listened to me cry! And it is nowhere near where it needs to be! So much more left to do. I seriously feel like I opened a can of worms that will not disappear any time soon. But I started
I asked one of Steve’s buddies to come and help me sift through
all his work stuff! I can’t even believe all the stuff he has! It isn’t doing
me any good and it is not something Paxton is even interested in doing with his
life or career! I would rather sell what
is still worth something now before it is outdated and just give it away or
throw away the rest! Something about cleansing just seems so satisfying and
makes me feel like I can move forward uncluttered, and feel at peace with where
my life is and the direction it is heading. That is the goal right, to lesson
my pain and move forward.
But at 9:50 PM I am feeling a little extra refreshed from
just actually starting a project that I have been putting off for so long for
fear of who knows what!!!!! Now at a future time I can tell you how this pans
out for me and if purging will actually make me heal better! Time will tell!
"Never put off till tomorrow what may
be done the day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain
You don’t have to do it all at once. Just get the process started. I think it is all about what timing is right for you! Don’t
rush but don’t delay until you are so anxious you are miserable! Timing is
everything!
Trust the timing of your life- it isn’t anyone else’s to
live!
My friend told me last night sometimes your biggest accomplishment is just getting started …sometimes that scariest thing can give you the most relief if you just take that first step, the rest could just fall into place. You don’t have to know what lies ahead or where that staircase leads or how it looks when you’re done. But you might never know how good it could feel or turn out if you let the fear in your head take control.
What have you been putting off that you need to take that first step?
