Is honesty always the best policy?

 

Paxton: with curiosity “Mom did you get your hair cut?” Me: “I got it trimmed a little when I had it done today why?” Paxton: with wrinkled up face emphasis on the word that- “Why does it look like that?” It was straight and wispy. Me: “Like what? Like straight? short? It really isn’t shorter, maybe it is just the way she styled it.” Paxton: “Well, it looks really stupid.“

To be honest at that point do you laugh or cry? (oh my eyes felt a little wet, but my heart chuckled) I am not sure if his bluntness is refreshing, in the way that he isn’t afraid to say what he feels, I mean don’t we stress as parents to our children to be honest?   I am supposed to be agitated that he couldn’t say something nice or keep his opinion to himself if it wasn’t solicited as to not hurt my feelings. Girlfriends and hopefully a wife are in his future and not every one of them will welcome that honesty no matter how much as women we say we want it. We are sensitive beings, and no one wants to feel unpretty, unwelcomed, or undesirable and definitely not that we made the wrong choice if it is something we like. We want to look good and especially be attractive to our family and significant other. When I got my hair done yesterday, I had her weave some chocolate brown into it, I love chocolate brown. When Steve was alive, I only did that one or two times. Just as he wasn’t a huge fan of green so I didn’t wear very it often, He didn’t like red in hair, so I didn’t sport that look, as chocolate brown has a red undertone, and often fades to that liking and he told me such.

Now some of you may be jumping to conclusions thinking I let Steve dictate what I did and the choices I made. You may be the first to say who cares what he thinks and do what makes me happy, but I guarantee there are ways that your significant other or child for that matter has styled their hair, groomed or didn’t groom their facial hair or wore an outfit that just made you go hmmm… I hope I don’t have to be seen with them in public, so you coax them to wear something that suits them just a tad better. It isn’t any different, we want to be wanted, and for them to find us attractive, so why wouldn’t we do what attracts them?

We all have our own unique styles, tastes, and things we find attractive or not. Wanting him to be attracted to me made me happy. I mean he very rarely had facial hair in our 23-year relationship. And guess what that was my preference. He had amazing dimples and I liked to see them. I have never been a huge fan of facial hair on guys. I don’t mind a little scruff now and then or the 5:00 shadow.  Don’t get me wrong there are guys out there that wear it well, but it doesn’t make everyone who has it appealing. Plus, it is scratchy. LOL. I take the time to shave my legs everyday because who wants to accidentally rub up against that prickliness, just saying. There is something appealing about a clean-shaven man to me.

Now back to whether I teach my child to be honest or use this as a learning lesson to teach his thoughts to stay inside his head unless they are solicited and demonstrate to him how to be kind in what he shares. Don’t get me wrong, my kid is very kind, I hear it often from other people, but he is also matter of fact and he has a lot to learn about the appropriate times and things to say to not hurt other’s feelings in the process. I mean it is bound to happen, sometimes no matter what you say, someone will have a negative reaction to it. But that is where we need to also get better at our reactions to others. We cannot control anyone else but ourselves. I can’t stress that enough.

Right now, I am helping a couple friends through some tough times in their life and listening to their experiences, their circumstances, feelings and the reactions of others and themselves, it is disheartening how often people can be cruel, thoughtless, and selfish, the lack of sensitivity in others and sometimes sure hatred coming from a place of unknown to the person it is being directed to. We are never a fly on the wall of someone else’s situation, so we will never know the full story, but the way other’s go about handling a certain situation is when we need to be more concerned with how we react to them, we cannot change them, their thoughts or their behaviors, but we can control how we let what they are doing get to us, beat us down, or change who we are. We are in control of ourselves, and we alone can choose to let it get us down, depressed, sad and bitter, or we can choose to rise above the situation and be better, stronger, and nicer because of it. Is the latter sometimes the more difficult choice, yes, it is, it takes more work, but I am convinced they both absorb the same amount of energy, so why not choose the one with the most positive attitude and happier outcome, I stress that this one is way more beneficial to your self-care. And by being honest with yourself and your situation you are also being a good example to those around you. So here we go again with the honesty. Is it worth the consequences or are we sometimes better off just not knowing? Life is funny like this. No instruction manuals.

We all have a choice. We can choose kindness, love, happiness, and joy just as freely as we can choose to be mean, hateful, resentful, or rude. Sometimes our choices are based off circumstances, prior experiences, and sometimes our feelings or a combination of it all. We teach and learn through feelings, energy, and example more than words. There have been a lot of instances over the past few months where even though the kid’s face could be mine as a boy to a T… Paxton inherited or mimics a lot of his dad’s personality, mannerisms and not only the things he says but the way he presents his thoughts. And although he does mirror some of the good qualities from both of us some of his not so desirable traits, I am hoping that I have the time to help him relearn or readjust to his future benefit. We are all a work in progress, learning never stops and we can always be open to change.  I want him to be a strong negotiator but not to let not getting his way affect him negatively or turn him into a resentful or harsh person. And I am definitely over catering to his attitude or making up for his loss by giving into him on all occasions. No matter how hard it might seem he will respect me for it later.

Although I felt extremely guilty when his dad died and therefore allowed him to do things, have things and get away with things his dad never would have, I have taken the last few months to alter my mindset to realize that it wasn’t my fault his dad died and to continue our relationship without that guilt moving forward, is not going to make him into the adult he needs to be in order to fulfill his purpose and destiny if I do. Guess what to my surprise it isn’t as hard as I thought it would be and it seems to be working, and it feels right. So, keep praying for me to be the best mom for Paxton that I can, while keeping myself happy and sane. And although he is not just a moody teenager, he also lost his dad and must completely alter his life as he knew it, he was robbed of what it could have been, and yes that sucks, but it is reality.  It is time to move forward whether he has that added reality or not. We were dealt a bad hand, we didn’t ask for this “new” life, but we must continue to progress.

My main goal is to show him how to be an effective, respectful, responsible, and kind adult who contributes to society with the talents and purpose God gave him, whatever he discovers that may be. As I work on myself to set the best possible example, to judge less, be grateful more, find the silver-lining or learning lesson in all situations, be patient with him and myself, to laugh, love and cherish our relationship at the same time be the best mom I can for him while teaching him respect, discipline, work ethic, empathy and understanding for others. Most importantly trying to balance honesty and politeness by avoiding raising a child who is cruel, selfish, rude, or vengeful. We are all only human and need as much grace and mercy as one can muster. This starts at home.

So much more than a smile...

 

Perspective is by nature subjective. It is impossible to climb inside someone else’s head despite your best or worst intentions.

taken from Pretty Things by Janelle Brown.

 

So why do so many people judge others or judge themselves based on what they think other people are thinking? To be honest, we don’t know what anyone else other than we are thinking, so we need to put less emphasis on assuming we know, even if we have the best intentions in mind.

I saw a friend’s post this morning, a genuinely beautiful smile beaming from her face, where she most definitely was enjoying herself, on a trip she just wasn’t sure she should go on. I told her before she left that she needed to filter out the judgement of others or what she thought they may think, as well as the noise in her head and go and enjoy herself for her. It is the best form of self-care she could administer.  I connected to her in that moment when I saw her post, in my heart her smile spoke to me. She deserves to be that happy and show it. Knowing her story, losing her son about 6 months ago, I can imagine the guilt she might feel at her ability to express that much joy at this time, the unspoken tears she may shed in private later for feeling any guilt, but to be honest, why shouldn’t she be happy?!  Who is she having to answer to and why would anyone rob someone of their true feelings of joy, especially herself?

 

When I saw her authentic smile, I knew that I have smiled that way, a lot, since Steve died and guess what, it is ok! I am allowed to feel happy whenever I get the chance. It doesn’t mean that I won’t still get sad, have days where tears may still consume me, or that I miss him any less! Like I have said before it is all about learning to live alongside your grief, not getting over it. Feelings are neither right nor wrong and how we feel should be the highest form of our expression and our desires to be at peace with ourselves. We need to be able to be effective human beings, who if you are reading this and are still here, probably have a purpose you just haven’t fulfilled yet so you may as well enjoy your journey, before it is too late. Both my parents died rather young, I don’t know when my time will be up, I can’t spend what time I have miserable because I think I should be right now because of my guilt. But still that guilt creeps in from all directions sometimes, and sometimes more heavily than other times, as if the person we lost would somehow be disappointed in us for feeling good. I highly doubt that! Guilt, what is that, and where does it come from? Is this something we really feel, or is this something society or media has instilled in us to feel?

 

I had to look up the definition of guilt. I know from experience when we use certain verbiage that we think we know what something means and don’t actually know exactly what it means. That is why I love expanding my knowledge and researching things.

 

On my first try with google, I got guilt: noun- the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime, and secondly the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty. Whoa, wait!  There are no laws being broken here in the sense of what I am feeling when the thought of guilt associated with losing a loved one comes to mind. I switched gears and looked up the psychological definition of guilt which made a lot more sense in the context of what I was looking for. Guilt is the emotional state where we experience conflict at having done something that we believe we should have not done, or not done when we should have.

 

A lot of us tend to cling to the idea of what grief should look like when someone dies especially from things that we’ve seen, stuff that our parents/grandparents have said, ways that those around us have acted in the past or by what they show in movies, on TV shows or in books we have read. A lot of our guilt stems from these things. We are supposed to be dressed in black mourning the loss of a loved one and stopping our life as we know it to honor them and put less emphasis on our happiness, we may be expected to be depressed and lost without them and sad and sometimes we are but we shouldn’t be… all of the time.  Some people think we should be consumed with grief that often a genuine smile could be construed as taboo as we might give someone the wrong impression, that we don’t truly miss that person.  For those of us who grieve the loss of someone close to us there is a shadow of guilt for those happy moments that can circle around us at different opportunities. Should we somehow not be able to enjoy them like everyone else?

Are we supposed to enjoy something? Have fun? Smile genuinely? Are we supposed to be depressed, have anxious feelings filled with worry about our future? Should we be consumed with being overwhelmed by the things that we once shared with someone else that are no longer there? If we don’t could it look like we don’t love them as much as we thought? Or give someone else that impression?

 

 I’ve heard a lot over the last year when I am genuinely smiling people are sincerely complimenting seeing me smile. I have seen it on comments on social media posts, in person and when they can hear it in my voice. They are genuinely happy for my happiness, and this alone makes me smile even more. So why should I think it is wrong?

 

 I remember having my pictures taken within 6 months of my mom dying 8 years ago and when I whined and complained to my friend, disappointed I didn’t like any of them, she said because your eyes weren’t smiling. Wow, if you think about it, when you smile and you are genuinely happy your whole face should light up. And why should we deprive ourselves of this? To be honest even though I didn’t choose it for my most recent business card photo, for obvious reasons, I did for my personal IG and FB profile photo for this exact reason, she captured a moment where I let all of my guilt, shame, sadness and worry escape my cluttered head and just felt good being me and it showed, one person even posted that my personality really shined through my picture, thanks Kathryn that is exactly what I thought. For a mere moment, my life was perfect.

 

I have often wondered; can I have lost my partner of 23+ years and still be happy? You are damn right I can, and I deserve every opportunity to be happy without feeling bad about it. It may be something that has taken me years and lots of losses to realize, but maybe this significant of a loss pushed me to accept it. Being happy is ok and should be celebrated. I am still here and why shouldn’t I embrace that.

 

A few blogs ago, I told you that I went through the motions of going out trying to have fun, getting out of the house and away from my grieving child who I am also responsible for along with my own grief, and trying to get out of my head for a little bit and the sadness there, not really enjoying going out. It wasn’t until almost 1 year after Steve’s death that I truly allowed myself to enjoy it. One day I just made the decision to and that made all the difference. Months and months ago I took dance lessons trying to focus on something new to enjoy, but didn’t really enjoy it for a long while, but so glad that I took them, because now I can put it to use and have fun doing it. I removed whatever veils I had of both feeling guilty for doing something I thought I shouldn’t enjoy or worrying about what other people thought about what I was doing, and I was actually stopping myself from having fun, because as per the psychological definition I didn’t think I should.

 

I think a lot of people have a misconception of grief not only in their own head but what they perceive other people think they should be doing. That this is something that we are not allowed to express, happiness. We can be happy for others but are we allowed to be happy for ourselves? Has enough time passed? Is it too soon? What will Aunt Mable think? Is there a time when it is, ok? I hear so many people say that you shouldn’t do anything significant for a year, get rid of stuff, remodel, move, find another person to be happy with. But who sets these expectations and why if we are all individuals are we expected to abide by some unspoken stipulation or fall under the same timeline as another person? What if it takes 6 years to go through someone’s closet? Or what if you never find another person to enjoy life with? Why can’t we just go with our gut, what works for us and how our makeup and personality traits respond the best to our circumstances? And not give a fuck what someone else thinks. Oh yes, the guilt.

 

I bought a new car, new bedroom furniture (I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping in “our” bed that he would never share with me again), I remodeled the inside of a lot of my house, (it gave me something to look forward to) I got all new flooring, painted a completely new color, and even got some new/used living room furniture. I kept what I wanted and started fresh in other areas, I cleaned all of his stuff from my closet for charity (I couldn’t stand looking at the mess of his side of our closet without breaking down)my side was color coordinated, his side had shorts/pants and shirts with tags still on them, because stuff was so disorganized I don’t think he really knew what he had. I organized it for me, for my things- because it is now mine, he isn’t coming back to use his so someone else should be benefiting from his stuff. I went from wearing my wedding ring religiously to moving it to my right hand, to not wearing it at all to having it turned into an amazing necklace that I can’t wait to share with everyone when it is done. These are all things that are unique to me, helped me move forward and I should have no guilt in any of them. But believe me, it came.

 

Why? Why would we not deserve to be happy? Yes, when people like me go through a significant loss, where for some it wasn’t expected, for others maybe an illness that drug out so long you lost connection with who you were being consumed with what became your sole purpose in taking care of the other person, or one that you had some preparation time, like in my case,  but not really enough to say goodbye or prepare you for your “new” future.  It has taken me a year to find out who I am, without him. You are then filled with memories that were made that you can no longer share with someone who was such a huge influence on your life, the day-to-day connection and then all of a sudden it disappears, forever. Your future plans in the grand scheme of what we are programmed to see ourselves in 1, 5 or 10 years just disappeared in your rearview mirror and the car isn’t able to turn around or go in reverse. Plan B wasn’t even a thought. I mean I never thought well if I lose my husband at 30, 40, 50, 60… etc where do I see myself, well maybe briefly I thought about catastrophic things that might happen, but not long enough to plan it out. Who really wants to think of those scenarios. Even for people who are scenario creators like me, some things are just morbid, and we don’t really want to prepare for them, even though we may have prepared for 100 other situations in our head. The thought crossed my mind on occasion since I lost my dad when I was 14, how it might affect me and Paxton if he lost his. But I always tried to immediately shove it out of my mind space,  God wouldn’t do that to me right?  Or so I said to myself. So, losing him at my fairly young age of 42 shattered any of my 5, 10 or even 20 year plans we had together, or with our son.

 

I remember several conversations with Steve that his greatest fear was leaving Paxton and I too early, and not being able to enjoy watching him grow into an adult or being there for him growing up. He feared Paxton growing up without a dad like I had. And he said exactly that. I even remember where he was standing in our kitchen the first time we had this conversation. I chalked it up to his anxiety and being a worrier, I never really thought it would happen, until he got sick.

I remember once he said to me that even if he got into a horrible car accident and became a paraplegic that he wouldn’t want me to have to “take care” of him, so I could just put him in a home and go find someone else to share my life and be happy with. I remember laughing at him and saying that he knew damn well I would take care of him for the rest of my life, I teased that he was just saying this because he wanted permission that if I became a vegetable, he would have permission to go find a younger, hotter partner. LOL. In reality, I think this conversation sticks in my mind, because I am supposed to feel reassured and not guilty if down the road, I find someone else to share my life with for the remainder, as my friend Lori puts it, life part 2.  If he was ok for me to do it when he was still alive because he wasn’t really “here”, I am sure I would have his permission to enjoy the rest of my life now that he isn’t here. By no means am I actively seeking a new partner to share my life with but if it naturally happens, I should squash the guilt before it comes. He wouldn’t want me to feel guilty and I know this deep in my heart.

 

Just as I can see my friend’s son smiling down on her ability to smile and be happy with the life she still has to live, with her task of continuing to raise his siblings to become good adults and enjoying the love and nurturing the relationship she has with his dad, he would want her to focus on the present while enjoying every minute of it and honoring him by sharing his memory and genuinely being happy doing it. I can picture Steve smiling at the improvements I have made to make this house match my personality, laughing at my craziness, wishing he was here to enjoy our plethora of animals,  giggling while rolling his eyes at the stupid things I still do occasionally when I am in a hurry or trying to do too many things at one time, enjoying Paxton growing up with the skills he instilled in him before he died, the new ones he will have the opportunity to learn from from others, and speaking to my heart on where I go from here in the best interest of my future, with no guilt lingering that he isn’t here to enjoy it with me. His purpose was fulfilled, his time was up, and I can only gain perspective from that, not guilt or regret, that mine isn’t.

Honor the things you loved most about the people who are gone.

 

When thinking about life remember this, no amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future.

 

Never let people make you feel bad or even guilty for living the life that you want to live, that includes you.

 

 

Falling Leaves

 

Failure is inevitable. 

At least you tried  

Denzel Washington said: “If you don't fail, you're not even trying.”

This is so true. So many people don’t take risks. They will never know how good it could be without trying. 

Alan Cohen said . But failure and regret exist only at the shallowest level of appearances. What seems to be a dead end sign is an arrow pointing you in another direction. The universe is saying, “This is not it. There is a better direction for you. Go that way and you will find what you are looking for.” No movement in life is wasted. It all has a purpose. You just have to know how to read the signs.

You might try a bunch of different things before you find the right path, passion or purpose for your life. 

It is good to keep changing your mind, It shows you are thinking. I’ll only stop when I am dead. And maybe not even then. John Marsden

Never feel shame for trying and failing, for he who never failed is he who never tried.” ― Og Mandino

I am sure you are thinking what in the world is she quoting on about. 

Last night we watched Ford vs Ferrari. This reminded me of a great quote from Henry Ford, if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got. 

Some times you have to try new things, take the risk, and don't be afraid to fail. That doesn't mean you won't but you can always try again or alter what you are doing. 

From life experiences I am sure you know that change can sometimes be temporary it isn’t always meant to be permanent. You can go with the often overused quote that everything happens for a reason, I think that for everything you go through you can always find something to learn about or find a positive in. That is just my opinion and how I chose to live my life. I’m not a believer in anything being a waste of my time. 

Sometimes things annoy me, set me back or frustrate me as to why it even occurred in the first place- but I just think what future thing might it affect I am currently unaware of, or how it gave me greater patience, or a better sense of gratitude? 

I remember when I was a kid choking on green peppers my mom was chopping up for something, getting a bone stuck in my throat eating perch one year for my family’s Christmas Eve dinner. Thinking that olives were just gross and not even trying them until I dated a guy my senior year in high school whose mom made us pizza for dinner one night and I was too embarrassed to pick them off in front of them, I ate them and actually liked them. Now I actually love olives- like all kinds of them. The Olive Mill in Queen Creek is one of the best places to try different kinds if you want to experience their essence - and olive olive is one of the healthiest oils you can use. I didn’t eat green peppers or perch for years but now I can.  You will never know if you like something until you try it. 

Why am I telling you this. Analogies, I love analogies. Life is all about relating to something to get a better understanding and perspective. 

We have the free will to change our mind about something as often as we need to. 

I have learned over the years that externally pleasing everyone else can sometimes be a detriment to our selves. Helping others and seeing others happy can bring true joy- I do believe my purpose in life is to serve others- however when we start making decisions or doing things based off of what we think others expect of us and it starts to make us lose our inner peace or steals our happiness we need to rethink our decisions and reinvest in ourselves over that of other people. And you must recognize the difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself so you can be happy, healthy and prepared to help others.  

I knew in my heart the day Paxton chose to change schools that he wouldn’t stay there. I have expressed in my blogs before that I do often get intuition about certain things when I am tuned in. He needed to have his fresh start but I didn’t know how long it would last. Sometimes a fresh start is exactly what someone needs to escape their current situation or to end something that is no longer meant for them, it is time to move forward and be happy somewhere else. Sometimes that fresh start is only meant to remind you how good your previous situation was and allow you to return with peace and enlightened gratitude that you are where you are suppose to be. 

Do I think him switching schools when he did was right for him? You bet and definitely at the right time. I had a few people tell me if I let him switch I should make it clear he couldn’t be going back and forth every-time he was unhappy. I let their words in one ear and out the other. No one knows how to live my life better than I do, even when I make mistakes. And I am okay that he wants to go back. 

Nothing in life is permanent. A lot of things we experience on our journey are trial and error. I don’t believe for a second letting him switch schools again is teaching him to run away from his problems or that it is okay to quit all the time when things don’t go your way but I am teaching him how to respond appropriately to negative situations, remove himself from toxic ones, how to cope with all the less than desirable moments and situations life hands him, how to strive to be better than he was yesterday and how to keep his faith and remain grateful through it all. 

In every change, in every falling leaf there is some pain, some beauty. And that’s the way new leaves grow.”
— Amit Ray

Fall teaches us that it is okay to start all over again, again and again. - dani rae

Embrace your life, every minute of it.