But did you die? Enjoy the journey!

 

“But did you die?”

Back in November I organized a girl’s trip to see my Country Artist crush, Eric Burgett- (Love it All Goodbye and some other great songs) -when I say crush yes, he is good looking, but his music speaks to me and the relationship he portrays on IG and FB with his wife and how much she means to him is so refreshing. These days so many people tend to take others for granted or lose out on romance in a relationship to focus on the hook up portion of it. I haven’t dated in a long time but from what I have seen a lot of my girlfriends go through the pursuit doesn’t seem to have as much effort as it once did and what I have dabbled in thus far in the last few months the effort is lacking. I think too many girls tend to settle for what they can get instead of waiting for what they are worth. I get sometimes as women we lack patience and just want everything to fall into place but focusing more on the journey than the outcome can seriously put us in a better place to receive what we deserve.

Our trip came together and what originally started as asking 4 other girls, one who didn’t go because she had been out of town the previous weekend, another that had something come up at the last minute and she canceled and one girl who happened to be in town and went instead turned out to be an epic trip. The 4 of us drove to Vegas on a Thursday night and rented an Air b n b. All 5 of these girls are my friends and I have a different bond and relationship with all of them. But this specific group of 4 of us seemed to form a bond together that could never be replaced or interrupted. Sometimes you can get a group of girls together who all know each other but through 1 mutual friend and not everyone gets along, understands or is fulfilled by the group as a whole. This particular group just fit.

For those of you who know me well enough, or have ever been in a car with me, you know that I can get you there safely, barely, “but did you die?” So that was the motto of our 1^st trip, along with a bunch of other coin phrases that I will not bore you with because you simply weren’t there and it wouldn’t be as funny. This particular phrase has applied to a lot of different situations that the 4 of us have been through, talked about, experienced and lived over the last 3 months since our 1^st trip. Sometimes serious, sometimes funny, and most definitely eye opening in some cases as we each ride our own roller coaster of life toward the path of our future, separate, but with the support of one another. No judging, no lecturing, a lot of crying, laughing, and most importantly fun.  

We just got back from our 2^nd Epic Trip to Fort Worth Texas last week. Again another fun-filled trip complete with a Historic Haunted Brothel Hotel experience where we were able to get away from our everyday lives, aware of but partially removed from our responsibilities back home, able to let loose, have fun and maybe do a stupid thing or two… like someone losing their phone the very first night and guess what Jinn isn’t the best driver either so there is that…” but did you die?”  Haha! Refreshing that I wasn’t the only one who is easily distracted while driving. We cried again, laughed, and most importantly had fun! We renewed each other’s spirits, had some eye-opening experiences, and came back ready to tackle whatever it is that we need to work on the most. Just being around other girls who may be going through similar feelings but different situations, in such close quarters, with absolutely no judgement, is enough to help you continue with your own journey, battles and triumphs alike when you return home.

During our visit we happened to be at a little outdoor bar live music venue and a lady the table over from us was wearing a hat that said, “but did you die.”  Of course we had to go up and strike up a conversation, she had ordered it online and we swapped stories. As we headed to the airport on Monday we stopped at a little Indie town for some shopping and drinks. The minute we walked in the store the first tee shirt I saw said “But did you die.” It was a basic boring black with just white letters so I asked the owner if he had hats. They did, the ones that you can remove the Velcro patch and have any saying you wanted. They happened to be out of that patch when I noticed a hoodie that had the same saying on it. If you know me well I could probably own as many hoodies as I do cowboy boots. I love hoodies. So we each bought one because well, why not it seals the pack.

Fast forward to Tuesday when I woke up and put said hoodie on for the day, it was chilly in Florence, I just got back from a 4-day trip where I was renewed but exhausted and just wanted to be comfortable. As I sifted through all the things I had to do that day I realized I had my grief share group that night that I facilitate at one of the local churches and I literally just laughed out loud. I thought to myself, can you imagine what in the world those people would be thinking if I showed up in that hoodie to our group. Some of those people are so new into their grief that the appropriateness may have been lacking for them to think it was as funny as I did, especially since they don’t know the context or the backstory of it. So, I changed.

You could take that saying in a lot of different contexts just by your tone of voice, and someone who just reads it could interpret it in a lot of different ways.  Funny how sometimes what we intend something to sound like when we express it someone could totally take another way. This is why again I stress communication is so important, texts and emails can be totally taken out of context, tone is absent, and without an explanation it could be a disaster.   I then began to think to myself, Dani, you just lost your husband a year and a half ago, and that saying never once crossed my mind to be anything other than what our girls trip made it to be… a funny saying that we can get through all of life’s struggles, twists, turns and sometimes barely hanging on, but we are still here, living our life, hopefully to the fullest. Each day is a blessing. It made me truly reflect on the saying in my own situation. “But did you die? “I did not, just yet. So, I need to embrace every moment, learn from my mistakes, be a better person than I was the day before and truly enjoy and embrace my journey. I am still here for a reason and not everyone has been given that chance to live longer so I feel it is my duty still being here, to bring light to those around me, share my experiences to give hope to others to keep going, laugh at life and accept that we are all going to die someday, so if we have the opportunity to say… “but did you die”  we must still have something important to do here, take charge of your life and make it count.

 

7 rules of life

1.       Let it go- never ruin a good day by thinking about a bad yesterday.

2.       Ignore them- don’t listen to other people. Live a life that is empowering to you.

3.       Give it time- time heals everything if you embrace it.

4.       Don’t compare- the only person you should try to beat is who you were yesterday.

5.       Stay calm- it is okay not to have everything figured out. In time you will get there.

6.       It’s on you- only you are in charge of your own happiness.

7.       Smile- life is short, enjoy it while you have it.

Honest Truth, Tik-Tok, and My Heart on My Sleeve

  

So, a friend of mine last week said something that truly hit me. I didn’t really get the response I anticipated from someone after pouring my heart out about how something made me feel during the week that my mother-in-law died. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, tired, frustrated and just numb. So, I used that as an excuse for expressing the feelings that I did. I am an in-depth person and I love to communicate how something makes me truly feel. I don’t know that as humans we can ever really connect with anyone in any type of relationship without the honest truth. Unfortunately, a lot of people tell you what they think you want to hear instead of how they truly feel. And sometimes true feelings that are raw and not sugar coated can extinguish a relationship, between lovers, friends, and even family. Not everyone listens to understand, and not everyone expresses their true feelings.  

 

I have a few go-to people who I can run things by for criticism or validation to be a better version of myself, usually before I hit send or post, but sometimes not until after, which in all honesty editing things is sometimes important, however the more you edit and fine tune the less raw and perhaps less effective your message is.  

Transparency can be the key to more successful communication. Unfortunately everyone doesn't view it that way.  In this instance I had already hit send. I later sent it to my proofreader and then I immediately came up with all the things I should have left out of my message or not said because maybe the trauma of my week made me a little too vulnerable and transparent. I felt like maybe I made a temporary lapse in judgement that maybe not everything is meant to be said… but maybe it needs to be, so why am I second guessing myself???  

 

She said to me: Never apologize for being you, ever. Never fault yourself for putting your whole heart into it.  

 

I see so many people trying to change themselves to impress someone new or keep someone that they have from leaving. I have lost so many people in my life to death, it doesn’t surprise me that my biggest fear is losing people... I however never want to lose my genuine self in the process of trying to keep someone, not everyone is meant to be kept. 

I’m not saying that changing is a bad thing we are all constantly changing, and sometimes we must change to better ourselves and be effective to those around us, but when you have to hide who you are or change how you act or talk in order to feel valued, loved or respected is when it can mess you up. Who wants to start out as someone they are not just to gain someone or something and fall back into old habits (their true self) and become who they are comfortable being just to be rejected later or live their life as a lie going forward forcing themselves to adapt to their circumstances, but never truly be happy, full of joy or feel free.  

Sometimes this can cross the line of being your true self versus being fake. Our goal should be to be happy, full of joy and enjoy our journey. I struggled with writing this because you can take this in a few different ways and contexts and I didn’t know how deep I wanted to go with it, but I will try to be as simple as I possibly can in explaining.  

 

Not sure how much of a social media buff that you are but if you’ve ever come across Facebook or IG Reels or Tik-Tok‘s they can be full of advice on how you should or should not think, behave or act to get the result you are looking for.  Sometimes you can get sucked in by the loose advice of some of these influencers, who have either,  in my opinion, experienced some traumatic event that has driven them to profess it and find their outlet or own healing. In that way it’s no different than my writing because I write from what I know and my experiences and share in case someone else can relate. But I do it for me above anyone else. If I help someone that is a bonus.  

All who are passionate about a subject or just really wants to educate people in order not to get hurt or destroyed by something that hurt or destroyed them, give someone pointers on how to heal based on their experience, or just be relatable, so often people can become victim to I am the only one going through this mentality. And no matter what when you click on something, the social media gods know or think that you’re interested in that topic, and you get a lot more of it whether you want it or not. You can literally scroll for hours.  

 

Unlike my late husband, I am good with about five hours of solid sleep and so I have some extra time on my hands at night and sometimes these things can suck you in whether it’s something relatable or not I often find it entertaining to find out what other people focus on or give advice about. They have their opinion and I have mine. I am more of an observer than one to comment or participate.   

 

And I don’t care what their advice is about, how to put on your make up, relationship advice, how act or not act if you are looking for love, biblical references and preachers, showcasing new upcoming vocal artists, or how to cook something the best way, there are so many different versions of pasta I think you could try a new one every night for years. LOL! Everyone has their own opinion of how that should look and your mind can get filled up by all the differences in what someone’s experience has given them in order to tell you how to deal with, cope with, fix or improve something.  

 

If you can imagine,  some of those videos can be exhausting just watching them trying to decipher what is going to stand out in your  mind to help you with whatever situation you are in or what you are trying to improve. You will decode and take their impressions from these videos and do what you want. But caution, take it all in with a grain of salt, not every social media influencer is speaking to YOU no matter how many times they say if you come upon their video it isn’t by chance. Keep scrolling, you don’t need to change something that isn’t broken for you, the last thing you want to do is make a good situation worse by changing what is working.  

 

But in my heart, unless it is something that is for the better and comfortable for you to do don’t completely change who you are to impress someone or gain someone in your life or false idea that in doing so you’ll somehow find happiness or more fulfillment! Just like make up and diet advice, there are so many different choices and plans and one size does not fit all. 

 

Changing or apologizing for who you are for the better is one thing. Changing or apologizing for who you are because of someone else’s expectations or demands should not be acceptable unless it makes you feel good about what you are doing and the right decision for you.   

Ask Yourself: 

Who is my real authentic self? 

Is this change benefiting me or someone else? Or both? 

If it is benefiting someone else, will it make me happy or miserable? 

 

Don't get me wrong I naturally love to serve others and love to see others happy and thriving but I have had to learn I can no longer do it at the expense of my own happiness. Don’t live the rest of your life, prioritizing everyone’s happiness over your own don’t live for someone else’s happiness-  if being your authentic self pushes someone away, they weren’t meant to stay. Your power lies in letting go and moving forward.

Spilled Coffee, Door Dash and a Purpose

 

I really cannot comprehend how one single cup of coffee could make such a mess. Sitting at my computer yesterday morning, trying to get some work done and Paxton’s cute innocent(lol) puppy comes running through the doggie door and right up to me and somehow the next thing I know the cup of coffee is all over my huge table, covering the bench, splashed on every chair and the legs of the table as well as inside the pocket of my handmade leather tote bag sitting on the bench. The way the scene looked you would have thought the whole pot spilled. There went the stellar start to my day- the first day I felt semi-normal in the past 5! I was praying that just didn’t set the stage for what I was going to encounter for the rest of the day, I have had enough disappointing days in the past week. I had to remind myself it was just spilled coffee... nothing worth ruining my day over. 

Rewind to Saturday, I was laying in bed when my phone rang, 7 AM on the dot, my sister-in-law never calls that early in the morning, I knew before answering… she spoke with tears in her voice. Her mom, my mother-in-law, had passed. She had been struggling health-wise since Steve passed away and had been in the hospital for almost 4 weeks, not seeming to rally from whatever was causing her to decline, maybe a broken heart.

This past week has been sad, chaotic, challenging, overwhelming to say the least. A boy of 13 who has lost his great grandma, dad, 2 great uncles and 2 grandmas – 4 of the 6 in the last year and a half. That is really a lot for any young person to take in.

He has struggled with anxieties, school, and everything else I have mentioned over the last year and a half of these blog posts. Overcoming these obstacles is a must, but a challenge and at his young age even though everyone tells us he is so much more mature than his actual age, even his counselor, he is still a kid, and processing just the loss of his dad statistically could take 3-5 years, and I have said there is no real timeline, everyone handles things in their own time, so all of this in a short period of time can really take a toll on a person, especially a young one. Do I feel like he can handle and overcome this, do I feel like he is destined for good things to come, hands down I do. God has a purpose for him, and I am excited to watch him on his journey. He may not be going the conventional route, but I truly believe he is destined to do great things. Do I wished everyday that I could fix it all for him? That I could make it all go away and make his life less hard? You bet I do. Do I fully believe he needs to experience the things that he is in order to prepare him for his purpose, if I thought anything less than this I would not be giving God, the Universe or him enough credit. I don’t know that I believe in chance.

This week has been hard. We have had a few different disappointments and stress factors on top of her death to deal with, Monday we may have taken a day to do absolutely nothing but cry, stay in our P.J.’s all day watching Netflix and for the first time in my life we ordered Door Dash with my $100 gift card someone got us when Steve passed away. I just couldn’t function. I didn’t want to think, feel, or interact with anyone other than Paxton that day, I just wanted to be. I felt like a complete hot mess, and you know what… I was ok with it… It is ok to fall apart occasionally if you know with the utmost confidence that you are not going to stay there and you can bounce back to your natural positive self, make peace with your experiences and continue to move forward. 

This week I started up a grief-share program at one of the community churches in the area. I made a post about this on Facebook to get the word out to others that there is a group program available for those who have experienced a loss to take part in and perhaps help them heal along the way. Everyone’s journey is different but knowing that others may be able share similar thoughts and feelings, no one wants to feel alone in their process, however, I think people often do.  I was approached and knew in my heart that God is calling me to do something other than what I am doing now to help others through their struggles. In writing I have been able to help myself heal and move forward and maybe a few people here and there along the way. What I experience and what I write is sometimes rawer than others, but I always try to make it appeal to a larger audience for a higher purpose. No one should ever feel they are alone in the thoughts in their head, no one should feel like there is a only one right way to do things, no one should feel abandoned in being able to talk about what they are experiencing from emotions to thoughts, feelings and doubts. Neither we nor our circumstances are ever perfect.

I know my journey and writing from my heart comes from grief due to loss from death. I have had several people who have reached out to thank me for something that resonates with them who are grieving the loss due to a divorce. This is where I know that God is using me for a bigger picture, one that involves helping those who need to hear what I have to say and can apply it to their life or situation. I don’t believe there are limits or restrictions on my audience if I am doing what I am doing with pure and honest intentions.

My initial grief share group in my opinion was successful, I had 6 participants, people shared what they wanted, everyone was able to relate to someone else there, lift each other up, encourage and resonate with fears, doubts, and emotions that other participants were experiencing, there is potentially always going to be someone who has some of the same thoughts, feelings, anxieties and frustrations as you do… you are never alone.  Week 1 of 13 down and I already have take-aways that I can use myself going forward. If I was asked to be a participant and not a leader, or if I was asked 6 months ago to lead a group at this capacity, I don’t think it would have resonated with me… always remember trust the timing of your life.

I see you on the days you move mountains. I see you on the days you don’t get out of bed. Whichever day it is today, you are beautiful, strong, and brave. I just wanted you to know. Stephanie Bennett-Henry

We can rejoice, too. When we run into problems and trials. For we know that they help us develop endurance. Romans 5:3