Give Him the Reins and Watch Him Thrive

  

 

Paxton has been wanting to sign up for the Jr. Bassmasters for months now since our buddy Rob told him about it and we checked into all the requirements and he couldn’t wait until August, for sign-ups. Counting down the days we attended our first meeting last week at Cabela’s in Glendale, where he got to find out more about the organization and its rules and purpose. To be able to qualify for the big tournaments that will happen in California and Wisconsin next year, he would have to have a team member who was high school aged to compete with. He could do a draw where he got a different boat captain and a different partner every time, but the junior division is much different than the high school one and from experience I can tell you that would not satisfy his need for competition.

We have been communicating with this family back and forth getting ready for sign-ups for a little over a month now. He is a freshman; his grandpa had a boat, and his dad was willing to be the boat captain. Thank goodness. We have a perfectly capable boat, that I have backed down, driven the truck and trailer to park, and even drove around the lake a little bit. I have never launched a boat on the water or returned it to the trailer when we where done, it was second nature to Steve and why would I have ever thought I had to do it by myself, so I never asked him to show me how and I am sure he never offered to avoid the frustration of teaching me something he could so easily do himself. Believe me there are a lot of things I wished I had him show me or teach me if I would have known life would turn out this way. But I didn’t so I am willing to learn when needed, but I also wasn’t confident enough to be boat captain unless absolutely necessary. Plus, I didn’t know if Paxton and I would butt heads on the water, I am definitely not Steve.

This family didn’t end up coming to the meeting they watched the live version online. For those of you who don’t know our area, Glendale is just about 1.5 hours from our home depending on traffic. We made the trek over there, had some dinner with friends who live on that side of town first which made the trip even more worth it. We decided by text that the boys would fish the 8 tournaments to get them to qualify, the other boy would miss the very first tournament, but Paxton could still fish it with a boat captain and an observer (there always must be 3 people to a boat) to qualify for points on his own. We planned to get the boys together to meet and do a little urban fishing or even meet for ice cream.

Yesterday morning after I signed Paxton up, got his Youth Bass # and paid all the entry fees for the season, the family reached out to let us know that after careful consideration they could not commit to the all-in 8 tournament season. I was devastated for Paxton knowing that the sparkle in his eyes as his face lit up on Thursday night at the meeting with the thought of getting a fishing jersey full of sponsors to wear and the possibility of going to fish a lake in the Midwest next summer was the happiest, I have seen him in over a year.

My mama instincts immediately wanted to “fix it” before I even told him what was going on. I knew that if I mentioned him only fishing the 4 tournaments the other boy was willing to commit to, he would be super disappointed and let me tell you this week, I just couldn’t handle that. Yesterday when all this was going on he had stayed the night at his aunts, I was home by myself, and it was 29 years since I lost my dad when I was a freshman in high school. We were 6 days away from the one year losing Steve and I just wanted something to be happy about and not something even more disappointing.

I asked the guy in charge of the organization if they knew anyone needing a partner, I looked on the angler’s website, I asked Rob, who tried hooking up these boys originally if he knew any other boys looking for teammates. I reached out to a dad on Facebook who was previously looking for his son. We communicated back and forth some, but they were in the middle of a move, and we would have to connect more later. I finally let Paxton know what was going on. He seemed disappointed but was determined enough to make it happen that he devised his own plan. For this I was super proud of him. I tried to fix something that I didn’t need to. He took the reins just as if he were a top his horse Hope and steered in the direction he wanted to go. His heart and passion are into fishing, and I couldn’t be more grateful that he has this passion. Something his dad taught him that he can take what he has learned and turned it into something promising and great. A bond that they still have but one that is filled with positive energy and enjoyment. I couldn’t tell you why it is any different than baseball, but it just is. I could speculate why but when asked he just couldn’t pinpoint the differences for me and that is ok. Sometimes it is just a feeling.  We didn’t ask for this hand we were dealt but we can let our feelings and intuitions guide us to adapt to moving forward.

We can provide the boat, so within a few hours he had not only arranged his own boat captain, his uncle Mike, but convinced his best friend’s grandpa to let Aidan sign up to fish with him, he is a freshman and so therefore they qualify to fish the high school circuit. I couldn’t be prouder of him for organizing his own arrangements, planning to get his boat fixed and already plotting and planning how to get the boat to his uncles the night before, looking forward to studying the lakes to find the good fishing spots and staying the night so they could leave first thing in the morning to get to the lakes and fish their hearts out.

Was I worried that it wouldn’t all work out, you bet I was, was I determined to figure something out for him… this mama hates to see her little hurting and wanted to find the solution and find it fast. Did I need to worry at all? Obviously not, he stepped in and had it under control in his own way on his own terms and it worked out the way it was supposed to. Like Mike said, how can you say no to this boy! He is just like his dad who could most always convince someone something was a good idea, just by the way he presented it. So, there is a positive trait of Steve’s that I am grateful that Paxton received, now to just let him run with his ideas and stop trying to fix and control everything. It isn’t always necessary. I have faith he is going to turn out to be a fine young man and I can’t wait to see where his journey takes him.

One year ago, today was a Sunday and we went out to celebrate my niece’s birthday without Steve, something that he never missed in her 16 years of life. They had a special bond the two of them, I don’t know if I could even describe it. We went out to dinner and ice cream while he laid in a hospital bed not even able to wish her a happy birthday. In the car on the way home Cami called to say that her and Trent had gone to the hospital to the window to see Steve and they would be there to support us if we wanted to join them. At first, I didn’t think we did, then Paxton decided that he wanted to go. We had not gone up to that point per Steve’s request when he was awake that he did not want to see us for fear that he would start crying and he already was having a hard time breathing. After he went on the ventilator, I couldn’t bring myself to go look at his still body trying to sleep and heal itself without the thought of me falling apart. We went to meet them, and I will be forever grateful for this picture that Cami captured. It is priceless and shows just how vulnerable one can be in the uncertainty of time.   He was apprehensive at first to want to look at his dad laying there looking lifeless in the bed, but he eventually made his way to the middle of the window. And I know that this is something that he had to experience at the time to help him realize the extent of his dad’s illness and come to terms when he was not able to come home like any of us wanted, planned, hoped, or dreamed over the last month. 

As a society we love to the plan and be prepared for the things in our future but sometimes that is not how it’s supposed to turn out. And the more easily adaptable we are to the interruptions, curves, and changes in our situation the more positive and productive our lives can move forward more smoothly. Some of our greatest moments and strongest accomplishments are not even planned. I know I’ve repetitively said “just go with it” a lot lately and sometimes that’s the best that we can do. I truly believe that our ultimate destination is Heaven this life is not a destination it is a journey with all its ups and downs, and it is our choice to make the most of them as they come. 

As we approach the 3rd, I want to think that I am going to make the most of this week I’m going to refocus my thoughts on the good memories when my heart gets sad, I’m going to have as much patience as I possibly can with Paxton and his emotions as well as with myself and my own. I asked God for these things because I don’t want this to be a totally negative week. I know sometimes emotions come no matter what you do and avoiding them completely doesn’t help either, so we will deal with them as they come. 

 As Paxton was getting ready for school this morning, I reiterated that he needed to focus on catching up on all his work from a couple days he was sick last week to make sure that he kept his grades up and that this will be a successful year for him. He let me know that this was going to be hard enough week for him as it was and to get through it, he needed me not to pick on him. As parents I think that we often display our concerns in a nagging way because we know how important the end results are in most cases because we have been there. But we need to put ourselves back in our children’s shoes especially these days with all the pressures and expectations that seem to play heavy on their hearts. So, what I’m going to do is to be there for him, open up my communication even more, be willing to alter our plans as needed, and stay a good, firm parent filled with as much grace and mercy as I possibly can give out. 

As I reflect on 29 years ago when my father passed away (who could have not even imagined my child would lose his dad 28 years after I lost mine, almost to the day). 

I commend my mom for being able to handle her grief and mine and still balance her responsibilities and grasp for her happiness without completely falling apart. I can only pray that I will do a good enough job with this as well. She was always the one who I went to when I was sad or hurting and when I had any exciting news to share, although she is no longer here to be my go-to person, she is still at the top of my list to talk to when I need to she just cannot talk back. But I choose to look deep within my heart and find her comforting me like she always had with words and reassurances I previously remember her using and ones I like to now use to comfort and calm my child. 

As far as the fishing is concerned, I don’t think that we could have planned the outcome more perfectly than how it came together and that will probably be one of my most grateful moments to remember this week. 

"When life gives you a chance, take it. Don't be afraid to make a mistake. Never give up, no matter how much faith you've lost. Life is full of surprises."

A labor of love with unwavering faith to overcoming doubt

I woke up Tuesday morning to a water bill in my email in the amount of $898. Wishing more than ever I had a well rather than a private water company. Being that we live on land and have multiple things that need water from orchard trees, to gardens, bushes, and all the animal waterers, and hose bibs strategically placed around our property, I am no stranger to leaks. With that said, I used my “I can’t control what has already happened attitude” and made a mental note to call the landscaper and the water company to look for a leak to prevent such an astronomical water bill again.  Then when we were getting ready to load up the horses to go ride and went in the backyard that evening, I noticed the wash that runs through my property was running…A LOT!  It hadn’t rained for two days. The turn out was completely flooded and the orchard once again had water up to the deck. Although I immediately had tears well up in my eyes, I shut the flood gates down and went to shut the water off. My first thought was to skip loading up the horses and heading to Gilbert so Paxton could run calves but decided that there was nothing I could do at that very moment until the water cleared to even see where the leak was. So instead of ruining our plans, we went through with them. I called a friend to keep me grounded as I was determined not to fall apart at that moment, briefly vented and went about our plans.

We had a leak in the same area a couple months ago that was fixed, or so I thought, I am assuming it didn’t hold up, it was the same pipe, not cracked this time, just spraying out from where the joints must not have bonded together enough, slowly leaked causing such high water bills the last few months and then it just gave way to spraying out in all directions and filling up the orchard causing a flood through our turnout and down the wash. That was A LOT of water in a short amount of time, as one of us is out in that area several times a day.

I couldn’t get the leak fixed yesterday and had to completely shut off all the water to the backyard, but have someone coming out today to take care of it, hopefully we will see a future filled with less expensive water bills and animal waterers that I am not having to flood the orchard to fill up or haul buckets out that far! I know this can be fixed and I look forward to getting stuff cleaned up, the orchard trimmed and the plants that Steve planted and tended to with love taken care of so that I can keep their harvest alive. I am not a green thumb in the slightest. That is another reason why I think I love fresh cut flowers so much, I can enjoy them for a short amount of time, and I expect them to die, rather than having to put so much effort into keeping plants, trees, a garden, and bushes alive that take so much work and sometimes still don’t survive! This is exactly why I didn’t keep his real grass- it is not my thing, and it would look like crap! I love my artificial turf in the front and have never regretted putting it in after he died. I love enjoying his vision, but it is not a hobby that I am passionate about like he was.

I had a crazy day with work yesterday, from putting together a new listing out in Maricopa for a sweet couple who I have learned to love over the last 10 years through all the different real estate transactions and referrals they have sent me, this bittersweet moment where they take their life they built here and enjoy retirement together in Colorado with the grandkids for the next chapter of their lives, this one was their son’s property I sold to him back in 2019 a project that he and his dad could fix up together, he passed away shortly after and they didn’t get to do all the things they wanted so the dad finished out their vision on his own. It my friends was so beautiful and came together so lovely I want to buy it, to mentoring a girl through her interest in real estate, picking the kids up at carpool time, surprising myself for not loosing my shit while at a walk through for a home that is suppose to close today went sour and I had to document over 50 pictures of “stuff” both interior and exterior that had yet to be removed from the home at 4:00 yesterday afternoon and all the back and forth with the other agent and our clients that goes along with that. For those of you who follow me on IG or FB, it was the ceiling fan home, not surprising. Mind you we even wrote into the contract that all the personal effects needed to be removed prior to close of escrow, even though that should be a given, but I had intuition at the very beginning of this transaction that I needed to reiterate this! So glad I did, and we settled on both a hold up on recording until the interior stuff was removed and some of the sellers proceeds for the exterior stuff if my clients end up having to have it removed. I confess I didn’t have a chance to make dinner and Paxton had to make himself macaroni and cheese but he did it without complaining. Things may not always work out how we want, but we can usually always find a solution without freaking out although sometimes the natural human reaction goes straight to negativity and what else could go wrong. It takes a lot of practice and reiteration and reminders to control your emotions and reactions. 

Last night in my memories one popped up of my cousin and I getting tattoos together for the second time last year, the first one was 4 years prior when she came out to interview in AZ for jobs and I got the word LOVE in my mom’s handwriting. This time while Steve was in the hospital, I had the word FAITH tattooed in the shape of a cross, it wasn’t anyone special’s handwriting like most of my tattoos are but the significance at the time held the meaning. I told myself that no matter the outcome of last year’s circumstances I would not lose my faith over it. And you know what, I have not! Have I doubted, yes, we all do at times I am sure, I am no saint… but I would rather stay strong and believe there is a better place we all go to then not, it grounds me, gives me hope and allows me to stay focused on a purpose in this life.

Paxton went with the neighbor to a practice roping up in Apache Junction last night with a bunch of guys and I was home by myself, mentally exhausted I fell asleep on the couch, when I woke, I went to turn on the light on the porch and I noticed I had a delivery outside and I waited until he got home to open the box. He opened it and pulled the quilt out and immediately said, it smells just like dad. My smell is still a little off, so I wasn’t sure if it really did or if he was imagining it did.  When Steve died, I had no smell, so I was unable to smell the smells that Paxton has from certain things for a long time now, and even now most don’t smell like I remember they should. I am not sure if that is a good or a bad thing, but it is what it is. When I woke this morning, I asked Amy if she washed Steve’s shirts and sweatshirts before she made the quilt, she had not, she said it makes it all the more special. Special indeed. Tears came to my eyes, just a bit as I was a little jealous that I couldn’t smell his smell as Paxton did, but it is okay, I have lots of other good memories to flow through my being whenever I need them.

She is a very talented sewist and one of the most considerate people I have ever met. She was supposed to make Steve a custom fishing quilt before he died, they never got it squared away to what he really wanted, and I am not sure he wanted to pay her fee (totally worth it though she is amazing!) I know she would have rather made that fishing quilt for him than this tee shirt quilt for Paxton because of the circumstances, it was a labor of love and couldn’t have been more perfect or arrived at a more perfect time then during this transition of our first year of firsts as we move forward with incredible memories, the support of amazing friends and family and the encouragement of his legacy to help us carry out our purposes. 

As I sit here and write this my text pops up to ask if the quilt is officially Paxton's. I replied yes, with all the sport and fishing connections and the shirts Paxton gave him, it makes it his by default. So as she shares with me that she couldn't contain herself and had to tell me that she kept all the scraps of his shirts to make me a patchwork quilt to have and I think she took my breath away. She truly is an angel in a human body and I couldn't ask for a sweeter more thoughtful thing she could have done for me. It isn't finished, but I look forward to enjoying it when it comes and my heart is filled with warmth and gratitude which is just what I need to get me through the next few weeks and beyond.  

So I am going to continue to work on accepting the things that come my way, the good and not so good, being grateful for all of the amazing things I still have and have yet to have and do, not allow opportunities to pass me up due to fear, be more flexible, stress less, doubt my abilities a little less, be more spontaneous, less serious, have fun and concentrate on enjoying the journey moving forward, I know that Steve would want nothing more than that for Paxton and I, I can truly feel it today. I am confident I can deliver most days, with the grace of knowing that every day doesn't have to be my best, as long as I try. 

In the spirit of not losing my faith during all of this I really take heart with the words to this song. Life happens and sometimes it is shitty and God doesn't always stop things from happening but we can rest in his future promises and find peace in this life. 

Taken from Whatever May Come by Jeremy Camp

I will call
I will call upon You
Whatever I face
You are with me
I will fall
I will fall on my knees
For every heartbreak
You will hold me

Whatever I face
Whatever the fear
Whatever the cost
You always draw near
Whatever the pain
Whatever may come
Whatever may fall
Your love overcomes
Your love overcomes

Whatever may fall
Your love overcomes
Whatever may come
You will hold me

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Jeremy Thomas Camp

Whatever May Come lyrics © Capitol Cmg Amplifier, Only In You Publishing

Life is like the weather- Just go with it.

 

Think of your favorite roller coaster? Do you even like roller coasters? I love roller coasters, they are thrilling, scary, invigorating, and delightful all in one. They give me that adrenaline rush that seems to not only give you butterflies in your stomach, but takes your breath away, just for a short moment and the high can be satisfying to some degree, but temporary and you are able to get off and get back to solid ground where you feel safe and stable. I loved going to Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL as a kid they have a ride called American Eagle. Wooden and made from Douglas Fir trees it was painted by hand and took 9,000 gallons of paint and 1.3+ million board feet of lumber. You are lifted 127 feet in the air and the first drop is 147 feet with the ride diving 20 feet below ground level. It was the world’s tallest and fasted wooden coaster and might still be. This was my favorite ride, especially at certain times of the year when they ran one of the two simultaneous tracks backwards. And no matter how many times I have ridden that ride in my lifetime so far, it has never been predictable, and still gives me that rush. 

Now picture yourself stuck on that ride for the next two weeks, the adrenaline is pumping but no safe ground or stability within your reach and no clue when it would stop or you could get off. Roller coasters are fun but should be short lived.

August 20^th, 2021 was that last time I heard my husband speak to me. He called struggling, not only was he short of breath, hard to understand from the machines he was on, but I could tell he had been crying. The doctor had come in and wanted to strongly suggest putting him on a ventilator as a precaution for getting any worse. He didn’t know what to do, I could hear the fear in his voice as he asked me what to do. I was home by myself Paxton was at school, and I just remember crashing down on my bed trying to discuss the most difficult decision I think we have ever made as a couple. I remember asking the doctor if we could make a few calls to family members, he mentioned not having time to think about it, if he waited too long it would be done as an emergency and he hasn’t put any patients on the ventilator as an emergency measure who had survived. That was not promising at all.  I didn’t want to be the decision maker, so I prayed with Steve and asked him what he wanted to do. He said I want the best chance to survive and come home to you and Paxton. I want to be the best father and husband I can. As tears welled up in my eyes and he made the decision right then. Our last words were, I love you, and to this day I am forever grateful for that. As the next day his first lung collapsed, his kidneys failed, and we would never recover from that.

This past weekend we were supposed to have gone to the cabin, Paxton and I and the dogs just to go get away, be one with nature and relax no agenda, no guests. Sickness was running through his school, and he missed a couple days and decided to just stay home. Saturday morning it rained sideways while sunny and the sky got dark dumping so much rain quickly which enthralled me enough to sit out in Steve’s patio chair and watch and listen to the rain, it seemed soothing at first, until my mind pictured him sitting there as he always loved to sit on our back patio and watch it rain, even when the storms were nasty and Paxton begged him to come inside so something didn’t happen to him. He was a man intrigued sometimes mostly obsessed with the weather conditions and reports. (Heck we have a TV in our bathroom so he could watch the weather every morning while he got ready).  I attribute that to his years of fishing and his outdoor activities and needing to be prepared. The tears just started falling down my face and I just couldn’t stop, pouring at the same rate as the rain dumped through the holes in the floor of Heaven- which is exactly what I said when I sent my friend a video of the rain.  

With some convincing, I ended up going on an overnight trip with a good friend to the Payson Rodeo and stayed with my bestie who lives up there. The distraction was needed and I am glad that I went. It was a short trip and we brought home another puppy. This one was months in the making as Paxton asked for one when my bestie told us that her lab was having puppies. He loves projects, just like his dad, and read that labs are great duck hunting dogs and he wants the challenge of training her. This was a dream, before Piper went missing and before Harper came along, so I knew that I was probably not going to get out of having two puppies at once and yes of course the minute I saw River I was in love.

Sunday didn’t prove to be any better for my mood or my demeanor. We got home and I started to go through the closet in the spare bedroom to accommodate my bestie’s daughter who is going to be living with us for a while, while she goes to college.  I honestly cannot believe the amount of stuff I was able to store in that closet, as I pulled it all out. Boxes and boxes of baseball cards, random project parts that never got finished, hunting stuff, the sound bar for my orchard that never got hung up, a box of his graduation stuff era 1994, school photos, a spelling test, a broken metal detector, baseball BBQ tongs(still in the original box),  a Valentine’s certificate from the girl he dated in high school that introduced us, I took a photo and sent her, she couldn’t even remember giving it to him. Funny the things our memories store and those that we just can’t.  Picking up a post card complete with 3 hot girls in bikinis on the front and flipping it over recognizing his best friends handwriting. A card he sent from a school he attended after boot camp marked June 24^th 1995. Of course I read the message and the part as I read that stood out the most was when he said Oh well, life sucks sometimes. Yes, yes it does. As I cried my way throughout the day my go to rescue person who I know I can call at the drop of a hat as he went through this grief almost 8 years prior to me as well as one of my BFF’s who came and sat with me for hours in the orchard watching the lightening that night, they didn’t necessarily have all the answers or were able to resolve the way I was feeling, I wasn't asking them to, but they were just there for me as the emotions came crashing down.

I realize daily how grateful I am for all the people in my life who are helping me move forward, even when I take a few steps back. I am happy and grateful for my life most of the time, despite my circumstances and sometimes it really is okay, not to be okay. This is really teaching me that even though I like to plan things and would love to know what happens next in my life, a lot of it is out of my control and I just need to trust the experiences and the timing. I do like some spontaneity so I will try to focus on loving more of that and letting things happen. We can throw a tantrum or we can just go with it. Sometimes we do both and that is ok. 

Starting off Monday morning with my sister-in-law, centering myself, enjoying some nature, the lake, and a paddleboard, listening to the sounds, feeling the gentle breeze, and watching the ducks, cranes, and vultures do their thing was just the motivation I needed to get through this week. Taking care of my son, my house, my animals, my business, and my clients requires that self-care step ahead of time to allow the peace in for everything else to fall into place with less stress, chaos and mistakes. If I am not taking care of myself I can get distracted while taking care of others and the end result is probably not the best it could be. 

As Steve’s bestie’s post card said life sucks sometimes, it is also hard sometimes, it can be unpredictable but it can also be beautiful and wonderful and right. I can do hard as long as I have hope that it isn’t always hard and it doesn’t always suck and I focus on the good and what I am grateful for. There are moments that we will always remember like picturing Steve sitting on our patio watching the rain and one’s like the Valentine’s certificate that we can easily forget as the years go by, but good or bad our experiences and memories contribute to our journey, help write our stories, and make us who we are. Hopefully that is a more prepared, more knowledgeable, more kind, and more loved individual whose purpose is defined by those experiences and carried out to the fullest.

Although this year’s roller coaster as I approach the one year anniversary of Steve’s death and 29 years since my own father died it doesn’t seem as scary or loud it might still be unpredictable and I am prepared to take the ride, whatever turns might come my way. We have been handed lots of suggestions as to what to do to commemorate or celebrate his life on this upcoming anniversary and for that I am grateful. We have no specific plans for the day per Paxton’s request. He just wants to go with it and see what it brings. I think I am on board with that as this must be about us, and our unique grieving experience for our situation. So if you see me out and about over the next few weeks, or you are talking to me on the phone, and I seem off, just know I am going to try to be as normal as I can and as real as I always am with you, but I am allowing both of us the grace to just be and let the natural flow of how our feelings and emotions need to play out catapulting us into the next chapter moving forward . There is no need to make it weird, treat us like you normally would because we thank you for your love, grace, understanding and support.

“Life is no different than the weather. Not only is it unpredictable, but it shows us a new perspective of the world every day.”
― Suzy Kassem, Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem

Spanish Update, Purpose, Space, and Self-Care

Do you ever wonder about your purpose? I think this top photo represents a look I might express quite often and probably could never have captured it on purpose. I don't know if I look unsure, disgusted, in deep thought or contemplating my life choices. Maybe all of it. I accidently took a photo while trying to take a new selfie for my profile picture as I was playing with the settings. I had a luncheon today I got dressed up for and thought what a great time to replace my current one, everyone tells me they want me to smile more anyway.  In the end I decided that sometimes when trying to take a photo with a purpose you can actually try too hard and be too critical of yourself, bringing your current mood if it was good, into a tizzy. 15 ok maybe 20 takes later, I ended up with a photo from my wine weekend as my new profile, where I can show off my crooked smile that everyone apparently likes, and it is a more natural reflection of me than a fixed up or professional one anyway. 

So where did we leave off last week? Awe yes broken finger, life lessons, and struggling with typical teenage stuff. Oh and my promise to you to let you know how his Spanish Quiz ended up. I am proud to say he got a 95%. Looking at updates yesterday he has A's in all his classes so far. So for basically missing a semester and a half last year he doesn't seem like he is struggling, so I am grateful he got to have the life experiences that he did, despite his circumstances. The experiences he had were honestly priceless in my mind, things you don't learn in school, but can be vital to your growth, decisions and choices in your future life. 

Last week I followed through with my girls wine country trip plans. My niece stayed with Paxton so he could feed and watch all the animals but not stay the night alone. Friday on our way up to Cottonwood Paxton called when he got out of school to tell me he had such a fun day at school, despite forgetting he could dress down for Fridays and was one of very few with a uniform on... oops! I don't think I have heard him say school and fun in a sentence in the 9 years he has attended school! So winning! Having gotten dress coded for his hair 2 days in a row... (don't get me started it is groomed nicely but it touches his polo shirt collar.) Big deal, not sure what makes that appear less successful then the next? But we have to play along if he wants to stay at the school.  Not sure why that is distracting but a girl can go to school with a buzz cut or shaved head if she wanted to. Anyhow... I will get off my soapbox now and just let you know, he hates his new haircut (I kind of do too) but he can deal with anything for a year, he made it this far and is doing good. His attitude has changed, I can hear happiness in his voice and he is staying active and wanting to participate in things again. This momma is full of joy. 

My weekend was much needed and 2 of my best girlfriends and I had great conversations, drank and ate a little too many carbs, played hours of Mexican Train and relaxed in the Airbnb hot tub. I needed to feel a part of being an adult other than taking trips that involve our kids. Paxton reached out minimally which made me know that he was comfortable with where I went, who I went with, and he had plenty of things to do with his friends to keep him occupied. It was truly a great feeling and I had a great weekend. I will tell you that the experience was good for me in many aspects. I got some mom self-care time, friend time, and time to reflect on some things without too much noise. I will be completely honest and vulnerable enough to tell you I struggled a few times over the weekend. I didn't realize how going with two happily married friends could affect my mood or frame of mind at times. On one hand I experienced the sadness and loss of what I was missing as they spoke about their husbands in the present and all I could do was connect with them while speaking about my husband in the past tense, making me miss what they have even more but on the other hand it allowed me the opportunity to put myself in a less than comfortable situation and I was so grateful that it allowed both of my friends to be themselves without feeling like they had to tip-toe around me or walk on egg shells because they were afraid to say the wrong thing. This truly means a lot to me. There are still quite a few people I encounter that just don't know how to act around me.  It reminded me of Paxton and when he started his old school, his biggest complaint was the way people talked to him with pity or handled him with kid gloves. He stressed that he just wanted people to treat him normal or what that looked like to him. He ended up choosing the school where his closest friends went who treat him normal despite what he went through, who give him a hard time when he deserves it, and allow him to be him. I believe it was the best decision he could have made for him at this time in his life. 

This week I discovered my deep freezer completely defrosted and we lost almost all of what we had left of Steve and Paxton's steer. I immediately called my SIL hyperventilating and bawling my eyes out, I was home alone and just didn't understand why! Why in the hell are things happening to us, I really could use a week that goes smoothly without a hiccup, and on and on pity party for me. I bawled continuously for the next few conversations, to get as much of my pity party out of my system. Woke up the next morning, cleaned out the entire freezer (lucky me it was garbage day) without a tear shed or gagging from the amount of blood or stench and reminded myself that I can't always control my circumstances and I cannot let those circumstances ever dictate my purpose or hinder my moving forward. Life can suck at times, but most of the times it is what you make of it. Take what you have and make what you want mentality, then make those ideas reality. As it ended up the freezer somehow got unplugged, so the silver lining after losing thousands of dollars of meat, my year old freezer still works, and it is so clean it looks brand new. 

Speaking of noise a friend of mine came over last night and just trying to have a conversation with her didn't come without a distraction or two, from dogs running around playing with each other, jumping on the couch as we spoke to loud kids who sounded like they just sucked down a gallon of sugar, and it made me realize how much actual noise I have in my life, even though most days I enjoy it. I have always loved animals, I did want to be a Veterinarian for many years. I also wanted to have 3 boys but ended up with one, so I am that mom who loves that the neighborhood kids like to hang out at our house. All my animals and neighborhood kids in and out of my house creating chaos on a regular basis warms my heart, but escaping that at times can be refreshing and much needed. 

Today I attended a luncheon which focused on the topics of both Purpose and Self-Care. Hosted by a woman whose purpose I feel is to recognize and connect people in ways I don't even know she realizes. Her sheer presence alone can light up a room.  Sitting around a table of 14 listening to what everyone's ideas of purpose and success and what everyone felt self-care entailed reiterated how uniquely different everyone is and that we don't all view or value these things in the same way. Our ideas and purpose, goals and missions can also change based upon where we are at in our life and what our circumstances are at the time, and that is ok.

 After a few people spoke it altered not only what I was willing to share but then once shared made me look at some of the things I said differently. One of the things that popped in my head from what someone else said was space. Space can be a huge factor in self-care, from creating your own peaceful or safe environment or choosing the people you spend your time with. I think taking care of your health and physical appearance is important in the grand scheme of things but the main theme amongst everyone today seemed to be how most have shifted their always doing, always helping, always putting everyone else first or building their careers ahead of their self-love to focusing on their self-love to be able to do those things better. So while we definitely deserve a massage, cute nails and glowing skin, the main focus at this stage of most of the company seemed to resound with our mental states and giving focus to our interior self-being, the peace and acceptance of who we are. You are always your own worst critic and no one talks to you more than you talk to yourself. Be kind with your words. 

 As I have shared with you before, my orchard is one of my most favorite places to be, to unwind, to connect with nature and friends, and drowned out all the noise in my head, despite the noise around my property. Last night proved to be again an amazing and peaceful evening (once we moved out to my orchard), shared with a friend, no fire, no wine, just water, good conversation and the sound of the rain, windchimes and occasional thunder. Most times my orchard is "off limits" to the kids and if the dogs are acting crazy I lock them in the house. This is a space that defines peace and it needs to maintain that reputation for my inner well-being.

 I have spent several months remodeling the inside of my house in hopes to create an interior space that reflects the peace I am striving for and matches the tranquility that my exterior offers me already.  My second favorite would have to be my cabin up North in the Mountains and Pines where the weather is cooler and life seems even a little slower yet. A house my mom bought and named Harmony Cabin over 20 years ago. I think the opportunity that I have to create, re-create as needed, and enjoy these spaces are also a huge part of my self-care after today's table discussion. I love that I recognized there are many factors involved in keeping me sane and keeping alive the memories of both my mom and Steve while creating new memories for Paxton and I. My goal right now at this point in my life is to choose the things that make the peace in my heart thrive in ways I never imagined possible while enjoying my journey each day, trusting the timing of my life and still asking God to reach the people who need my help the most. 

Happiness comes from within and is found in the present moment by making peace with the past and looking forward to the future. No one can make you happy until you chose to be happy. Start today whatever that looks like to you, no one can do it for you better than you can. 

From Lack of Water to Life Lessons

 

So, this mama over here had a hard time yesterday not rescuing her little boy. We live in Arizona for goodness sake. Who doesn’t need water? I drink water all day long.  But I told him to bring me his water jug out of his game room before he went to bed, and I found it when I went in there about 8:30 the next morning to grab something. If he would have brought it to me, it would have been upside down on my drying pad next to the sink and I would have seen it and remembered to fill it up when I made his lunch. My immediate reaction was to clean it out, fill it up and deliver it to the school. Then I realized, he had a drink in his lunch, I would hope the school has some sort of water fountain or way to give him a drink if he needs it and PE wasn’t until 6^th hour which is almost the end of the day. Besides, he didn’t call me to bring it to him. I need him to be a little more responsible sometimes. It is just life and a part of growing up. When he got in the car after school, the girls complained he drank all their water. See I knew he would find some somewhere… GEEZ.

Monday night he made a promise to me that if I fed all the animals, he would do it morning and night the rest of the week, he was just drained from the 1^st day at a new school and filled with emotions and tired I get it. The night before his stomach was in knots and he was nervous. I know this decision to switch schools has been weighing on his mind for the last couple weeks since he decided to move. He was not sure if he was making the right decision. I know how my mind gets exhausted when I overthink a situation and I have years of experience on him on how to deal with it to lessen stress and anxiety, he is just beginning to start to figure it out.

 I made him feed yesterday morning despite his pleas and he ended up being late for the carpool, I was mad. Just FYI I am a yeller, not proud of it, but I sometimes lose my patience and composure, shocking right?  (I kept telling him to get going, he told me he had time.) We argued over his inability to judge time and his procrastination, he was supposed to wake up and study for a Spanish Quiz and ran out of time for everything (irritated at him but again realizing he got that procrastination trait from me, I did best when I crammed for something at the last minute, it was fresher in my mind then if I would study for a week, somehow I always made it work at the last minute ( and to be honest still do), so here we go again with him inheriting or learning my worst traits too! UGH!  He took the paper out in the car and I told him to look at the paper right before the quiz and try to picture where everything was in his mind.  He either needs to learn better prep skills or how much time he needs to fit the things he thinks he can do in his head. I still struggle with this sometimes. Somehow it always works out in my head better than in actual time.

We had a lengthy conversation on the way to school, but I took him to school, so I didn’t make the other mother late for work, but I didn’t do his chores for him either. Keeping promises is important and I don’t want him to learn that not sticking to a commitment is acceptable. I have given him a lot of leniency over the past year. We prayed that this school year will be a good one for him, that switching school is the ticket to finding something that he needs in his life to grow and become a better adult. Tears weld up in my eyes as I thanked God for all our blessings despite our grief and struggles, I choked up and had a hard time finishing. Life isn’t fair sometimes and despite my positive personality, my silver lining mind, or my faith it still stings. He grabbed my hand. Ugh, I wished that I didn’t do this right before school, after our fight, but I guess it makes me human and shows that my emotions are real, and it is ok to express them and not hold everything in.

After school one of his carpool friends let me know, he already made a new guy friend (warms my mama heart) and they already ganged up on her in History class (which they both actually raved they like the class and teacher so far- good news).  (She giggled as she told me.) I wanted to say well, boys usually tease you when they like you, but I wasn’t about to embarrass anyone they are friends and I value that he has such great friends and although I love this girl, I am ok with it, they are young, and I am certain life will get complicated sooner than I am looking forward to. Then she told me about another kid that bothers her, she said he never knows when to stop or leave her alone, she said I guarantee I fight this kid at some point, she can hold her own, I tell you, but she shouldn’t have to even worry about that.

Perfect opportunity for a teaching moment for Paxton, when a girl tells you to stop, no matter what it is, respect that, there is a fine line between playfully telling someone to stop and actually wanting them to stop, so unless you have a true relationship where you know the difference, don’t go there.  I know he probably hates my “little talks” but he is at a vital age, where there are crazy influences and influencers all around him.  His mom is going to be the best advice to follow in most situations… Steve is no longer here. He was supposed to teach him all these valuable boy lessons, to be there for him when he had “questions “and give him the “talk.” It still irritates me that he didn’t do some of this before he died, even though I pushed him it was time. Kids these days know more earlier on then we give them credit for, and I don’t think he was ready to accept that… he kept telling me soon.

 This wasn’t supposed to be my department unless I had a girl and so I am I am winging it, on faith, principal, a little bit of common sense oh and plenty of wine. (I know I tease about wine a lot, but I haven’t had any since Saturday… so we are good just in case anyone is concerned about my drinking habits…. Lol.)  We can do our best to plan life, but if you don’t prepare for kinks, curves, twists, turns, setbacks, and tragedies, you are probably not doing life right, it will never be perfect and we can’t prevent a lot of circumstances, nor can I make him act a certain way. I am not trying to make him a perfect kid, I am trying to prepare him with knowledge, education, and good examples on how to be a strong, decent, kind adult with a purpose to fulfill, that of which I pray every day is revealed to him to carry out.  I have never been a teenage boy but coming from this previous teenage girl and a well-rounded woman I know how I deserve and want to be treated. I don’t see social media or his 2-year older best friend teaching him how to treat women accurately. No offense.  He has his dad’s good friends in his life if he needs them, but I also want our mother-son communication strong. And being a woman, I think I qualify as the best influencer on how he should treat a woman. I don’t have all the answers and I am bound to fail, but I will continue to try to be the best mom possible.

Last night he had plans to ride with the girls but had a headache after school ( I guarantee he didn’t drink enough water) took Tylenol and slept for 2 hours. Of course, when it was time to go to bed, he wasn’t tired, go figure. Getting him up today was a tad bit easier than the day before however. He had to shower and feed and actually told me it wouldn’t be his fault if he is late for carpool, because he had to do both, so he asked if I would feed for him just this once. I almost laughed out loud but composed my serious mom voice despite my interior thoughts. “Nope sorry kiddo, you made a promise.” I am set on him sticking to this promise he made me… How many days do we have until the end of the week? LOL! Welcome to having a typical almost teenager (who lost his dad), what a fun time of life to look forward to…. Send wine please.

As I sat typing this blog, the song that Paxton and I listened to repeatedly while Steve was in the hospital, and we played for him over and over on the phone came on my Alexa and a peace came over my entire body. I hadn’t heard it in a while, and I was reassured I got this. Timing is impeccable if you are in tune with it.

By the way, he thinks he aced his Spanish Quiz... I'll keep you posted. 

Fires

I remember how You told me
That life may not be easy
And everything that I need
You've already given me

I remember how You told me
I can trust You completely
So why am I doubting
When You proved that You'd fight for me?

You've walked me through fires
Pulled me from flames
If You're in this with me
I won't be afraid

When the smoke billows higher, oh and higher
And it feels like I can barely breathe
I'll walk through these fires
'Cause You're walking with me

I'm changed by Your mercy
Covered by Your peace
I'm living out the victory
Doesn't mean I won't feel the heat

You've walked me through fires
Pulled me from flames
If You're in this with me
I won't be afraid

When the smoke billows higher, oh and higher
And it feels like I can barely breathe
I'll walk through these fires
'Cause You're walking with me

I can face anything (anything)
'Cause You're here with me (here with me)
I can do all things (do all things)
'Cause You strengthen me

I remember how You showed me
The price of my redemption
Lord, how could I question
When You proved that You'd die for me?

You've walked me through fires
Pulled me from flames (pulled me from flames)
If You're in this with me (thank you, Lord)
I won't be afraid (I won't be afraid)

When the smoke billows higher (higher)
Oh and higher (higher)
And it feels like I can barely breathe
I'll walk through these fires (I'll walk through)
'Cause You're walking with me

I'll walk through these fires (I'll walk through)
'Cause You're walking with me

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Jordan St. Cyr / Kristen L. Nordhoff / Micah Darrel Kuiper

Fires lyrics © DistroKid, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

 

 

Hope in Front of Us

 

As I drove home from Tractor Supply today tears were running down my face as I contemplated writing through my emotions. Good ole Tractor Supply- I recall I blogged about bawling my eyes out in their parking lot  back in November. Sometimes taking yourself back to a place or time that was hard is hard… but it might be just what you need to move forward.  

Just a little bit after midnight one year ago today I touched my husband’s lips and squeezed his hand with him conscious for the very last time. I can still see the fear in his eyes that I had to leave him. The anxiety that he dealt with on the daily became most prominent right at that moment, more than I had ever seen in 23+ years together.  If I learned anything over the years it was how to calm him down from his anxiety but my biggest fear of not being able to be there to get him through it became reality. My heart ached as we were told once I left that room I could not come back until it was time to pick him up. (When it was time I was only able to pick up his things.) 

He fought back tears since he already was having trouble breathing I smiled the best smile I could so he wouldn’t get choked up and have an even harder time breathing so I told him they would fix him up and send him home soon and I would be his advocate every step of the way, by his side or not.  It took every bit of energy I had stored up in me after being sick myself and taking care of how ill he had been for over a week, 102-103 degree fever for 8 days straight, he could barely get out of bed, 3 ER trips, constantly checking his temperature and oxygen levels as his anxiety and fears increased,  fighting my own migraine that I had for 2 days but needed to push through to take care of him. I held his hand and prayed with him that God was in charge and he needed to work on staying calm and positive so he could come home to us soon. I’ve always been a very positive person filled with hope but as I reassured him that everything would be OK, I didn’t know that for certain myself.

 

From that morning forward after I picked Paxton up from his friend’s house on the way home we began a rollercoaster ride that would be our life for almost the next month until I witnessed his last breath. As Paxton crawled in bed with me that night (he never slept with us- only when his dad was away) I knew that we would have to be each other’s support going forward no matter what happened. I never promised him his dad would come home and deep down I think I knew I couldn’t… because over the course of my roller coaster month I confided in a couple people that I didn’t feel that he would come home. I didn’t share this with many people, I didn’t want anyone else to lose hope or stop fighting for him to come home, in case I was wrong.  I wanted to believe he would, I wanted to be positive and hopeful… there were so many people wanting him to get better, positive he would get better, encouraging me that everything would be ok, he would come home, he would be a miracle. I so desperately wanted him to be. I deserved a happy ending right. I remember him telling me that life would be different if he could come home, he would be more grateful, more loving, more supportive of Paxton and I... he was a great guy and I although he wasn't perfect and neither was I we were perfect for each other at the time we spent together and we created an amazing kid through it that I see is my responsibility to help him discover who he is with what his dad taught him, the talents God gave him and the experiences he will have to shape him into who he will become. 

As an almost 12 year old boy who I couldn’t imagine his heart breaking from his soon to be reality, I remember suddenly being taken back to my reality at 14 with a dad who was sick for 2 short months and would never get to partake in watching me grow up, I didn't want that for my child, but I feared it and knew if was my reality before it became reality. I wanted to make everyone’s positivity my reality at that moment to protect him. I wanted their positiveness to somehow rush in and save the day and turn my reality around. Through the hundreds of people praying for him and us and my positive swing on my posts I drew my strength to get up in the mornings and go about our lives the best I could for Paxton’s sake. As I recollect all the ups and downs of his entire school baseball season, the beginning of his club fall season, back to school events I had to organize for the school, work, his private lessons, trips back and forth to the hospital to give Steve things while he was still awake, countless updates with the different personalities of all the doctors and nurses, notebooks of notes to research and google, lists of medicines and side effects, firing one pretentious nurse, sifting through options for treatment, trying to find alternatives to what they were doing to help him,  and split second decisions at times especially after he was unconscious, and all the people who wanted to give support, lend a helping hand and be updated on his status. I found comfort in their prayers and positiveness.

One minute he was getting better and 6 hours later he was twice as worse. This repeated it self several times a day for weeks. As much as I would like to push these feelings out of my mind forever, they are part of my journey and pushing them out doesn’t change the fact that they happened. There are things that can take you back a vision  or a smell, sometimes they can be good memories like closing my eyes and taking myself back to my wedding day happiness, the love in my heart the love in his eyes as Steve took my hand and said I do… I can still close my eyes and see this day when I smell lilies. These memories can be bad ones 29 years ago when my father died and I can still close my eyes and see him take his last breath and his head turn and the bile excrete from his mouth as if it was currently happening. Not a great memory but one that definitely creeps in my mind every now and then, although I haven’t quite linked what triggers it as I do the lily smell. 

As I started writing I am not quite sure how I was going to tie all these emotions together. Although I don’t know what our next year holds I do know that moving forward while holding on to little bits of the past has a sense of hope and purpose I can't quite explain.  I know my common theme in a lot of my blogs has to do with moving forward. This is all I am able to do. The plans that I had were shattered and altering and adapting to my circumstances that I have had to do can sometimes be overwhelming, but they are mine alone to sift through. I cannot live in the past but I will never forget or get over it either. Grief isn't something you get over, you live along side it forever. 

Do I think Paxton and I are capable of happiness without Steve? I do, but life will never be the same again, the happiness is a different kind and acceptance of the future that we have yet to create is inevitable so here is to our journey and wherever that takes us may our memories and experiences shape the future we hold in beautiful ways. 

I remember hearing the story when this artist lost his wife, a month or so before he was on American Idol years ago. This song was beautiful when I first heard it and the words resonate with me even more now. 

Hope in Front of Me

Song by Danny Gokey

I've been running through rain
That I thought would never end
Trying to make it on faith
In a struggle against the wind
I've seen the dark and the broken places, woah
But I know in my soul
No matter how bad it gets
I'll be alright

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it

I might be down, but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me, yeah

There's a place at the end of the storm
You finally find
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain
All fall behind

You open up your eyes and up ahead
There's a big sun shining
Right then and there you realize
You'll be alright

There's a hope still burning
I can feel it rising through the night
And my world's still turning
I can feel your love here by my side

There's hope in front of me
There's a light, I still see it
There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it

I might be down, but I'm not dead
There's better days still up ahead
Even after all I've seen
There's hope in front of me, yeah