Diamonds, Sapphires, Fights and Happiness

 

I promised you in my last blog I would get back to Wednesday last week and the emotional aspect of why I felt Thursday hit harder than I expected. I have been working since August with a jeweler to turn my wedding ring into a necklace, many design choices but only one that stood out to me. An infinity/heart with all the stones and the white gold melted down from my original ring and shaped into something new. Something I could wear close to my heart that would be a symbol of our love, but not in its original form on my finger reminding me every day that he is gone, and I am partnerless. I asked Paxton if he wanted it for a future person, he stated he thought his future wife would need something unique for her. I totally respected that as this ring his dad picked out was definitely unique to me with its design and story. When he asked me to marry him, I was in love with this ring from the very beginning. A princess cut center stone, 12 smaller diamonds and 5 sapphires wrapped in white gold. When I asked what the sapphires signified, his simple answer was that he wanted something different than just diamonds, that all those rings seemed boring and I was not boring, so I deserved a unique ring. I loved his explanation and cherish it still. When Paxton was due in October of 2009 but graced us with his presence in September 5 years after we got married, how fitting that September’s birth stone is a sapphire. Then in 2021 when Steve died in September, it made it even more special to me.  I knew I would always want to be able to wear it whenever I wanted to, just no longer on my finger. Even though Paxton considers me still married and doesn't understand why I wouldn't still wear it. And so, after months of decisions, designing, drawing, wax models, and final approvals, I picked up the necklace the night before Thanksgiving.

 It was so beautiful, beyond my imagination, the drawing or the wax model that I just couldn’t help but cry on the way home. Impressed and happy with the way it turned out but not grateful for the why. It just hit me on the ride home that I didn’t really want the necklace, I wanted Steve back and that that would never be possible, and this is now my life for real. A mix of loneliness, the fear of single parenting, taking care of a ranch, a house, property, vehicles, finances, single handedly having to make decisions by myself, asking for help, hiring stuff out, figuring out things on my own, the newness, the sting, the balance, I could go on and on. I try not to but can’t help but worry if my decisions will be right or wrong and maintaining my composure, staying a good mother, friend, and family member all at the same time. Not losing my sense of self-worth or my gratitude for what I do have. For trying to still be good at my career, not becoming bitter or sad all the time and losing business and also supporting Paxton and I the best I know how.

I may not make all the right decisions and I may have had a lot of trial and error over the past 16 months since Steve got sick and our lives changed forever, but I know that having Paxton’s best interest in mind is always on my mind. And I know sometimes I will make some stupid choices or say stupid things that I cannot erase, I can only learn from and grow forward into the next chapter of our lives. What that looks like I really have no idea, it is one day at a time and a journey that I must embrace.

What is my vulnerability level? How much is too much to share? Is it all relevant. Well, I will admit that I am not perfect, I don’t profess to be, and I have a lot to learn about how to handle the grieving process with a kid in tow. I lost my dad when I was 14, Paxton was just a few weeks shy of 12. I was a girl; he is a boy. I saw my father’s death through my child eyes… I was only responsible for myself and the grief I was going through. I worried about my mom, but I didn’t have to be responsible for her. Fast forward 28 years and I became my mom. Now just over a year later, I feel like I have a better understanding of what she went through grieving herself and helping me navigate through mine. To be honest, it can be exhausting and hard to balance at times.  The loss of my mom almost 8 years ago did affect Paxton, but at 5 years old I think helping him through that was a lot less stressful and easier to accept at his age then. I am now responsible for not only my own grief and how I am handling things, but for guiding him through his grief and the fact that our timelines, reactions, and ways of dealing with loss are very different makes it more difficult. I can just imagine my mom went through some of the emotional turmoil that I experience as well, navigating, balancing, and trying to stay grounded at the same time. This is when a girl could really use her mama….

Some days are more difficult than others. We fight, he is ridiculously rude and talks back, he has issues of a teenage boy combined with the loss of his dad, somedays he really is dealing with the loss of his dad and somedays I think he pushes the limits to see how far he can go with a tad bit of manipulation. Do I think that he really views it that way, I am not sure, but if he blames his behaviors on the loss of his dad, he is in tune with my reactions to that verses him just being an ornery teenager and my reactions to that and might push a little further for the reaction that he wants, not the one he deserves. I am an empathetic softie, and he knows it. I am learning to try to read when he is sincere and when he is playing victim… I think I am getting better at it.

We had an awful day on Monday. If he read my blogs, I am sure he would hate me in his own teenage way, but I really feel that what we are going through can be beneficial to others and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I was telling a friend a few days ago that I wished that I could have written a blog about my relationship with Steve. I think I could have been relatable to a lot of people on how to keep a relationship going through all the twists, turns, curves, drama, setbacks, financial issues, fights and balancing them with the triumphs, good times, celebrations, good memories, intimacy, and strength in love. He was such a private person I would never have been able to do so. I am in no way trying to embarrass Paxton, but I am more confident in what I write now, because my purpose is stronger than my protection, so I hope he can appreciate my writing later if he ever does choose to read it.

Back to Monday, did I mention he is failing 4 classes? He made a pack with his counselor that he would figure out how to get back on track. He would make a game plan and hash it out. He literally lost his cool on Monday with me when he broke down and admitted he hadn’t, he was behind in almost every one of his classes, from not turning stuff in. He was overwhelmed, he hated school, he couldn’t concentrate, he is having a hard time navigating the grieving process. He is mad at me at times for going out and having fun with my friends and what that might look like in the future. He was very vocal about a post I made on social media that he saw before I took it down, it was harmless, but it didn't read well. And I felt I had to overexplain myself even though there was nothing needing to be explained, but I didn't like the feeling. Like I said I am going to make mistakes and learn from them, even if it is what not to do in the future. LOL!  

 I get it, moving forward is hard, scary, and uncertain, but we are still here as the message in my blogs seem to say, and being happy isn’t a bad thing, enjoying life isn’t a bad thing. Moving forward while still hanging onto the amazing memories and love we have in our hearts is key and knowing that it is ok to enjoy the journey without guilt. There will be sad times and setbacks. I know it will take him awhile to understand this concept at his age, but I hope that he appreciates the things he has, the sacrifices I make and the positive outlook I portray to try to set a good example and want him to adopt when he is in his 20’s… Like I have said plenty of times, it is not about him being the best kid ever, but about growing into the best adult he can.

Special thanks to my friend Dixie for capturing the before and after. 

http://dixielandrumphotography.com/

Special thanks to Tracy Janule for the lovely necklace design  

http://www.tracybydesign.com/?fbclid=IwAR0gwnAPg6xDDQ1Evlt_gePQKRxfD9xZvDpkOjXL3239e94a8HpRfBQFgLQ

Thanksgiving, Rodeos, Cancer, and New Ice Skates

 

So, Thanksgiving # 2 without Steve, why oh why did I think it could go without a hitch…I mean, the "firsts" are all out of the way... not so much. I don’t honestly know which one was worse, last year when I cried uncontrollably before everyone got here, and teared up while they were here, or this year, where I was on my period, already crabby and irritable, frustrated with stuff that just didn’t seem like it went right. I finally said screw whatever expectations I had that didn’t go according to my plan and drank way more than I probably should have, no judging… I didn’t have to go anywhere. Everyone came to me, and it was actually a pretty ok day as it turned out. I had an interestingly emotional day on Wednesday which probably more led up to my Thursday case of the blues, but that is for the next blog.

Most of you know I loathe shopping and especially Black Friday! I stay home, take down fall decorations and put up Christmas just about every year! I left the shopping to Steve and Paxton… well except for that one year when we still lived in our old house pre-Paxton that Steve begged me to stand in line at Home Depot because they had some crazy sale on T.V.’s, yes T.V.’s weird I know, but he wanted to golf so I obliged. Fast forward to Paxton, the two of them would go fishing in his earlier years or in the past several years made it a tradition to leave at 3:00 AM and go stand in line at Bass Pro shops for their sales then eat at Cracker Barrel. No thank you... have fun was my motto! 

Last year nothing was said, but this Thanksgiving night Paxton and I were watching a movie, he had asked his aunt Tracy to take him to Bass Pro, but she has a tradition with her girls and a niece that she must uphold. So of course, he prefaced by saying he didn’t even know why he was asking because he was sure I would say no, but would I take him? Of course, I said what do you need probably in a less than chipper voice especially since we were just there earlier in the week! Which he immediately got defensive and teared up some. I said what is wrong? It wasn’t that he needed anything really, he just wanted to go, because he missed that tradition he had with his dad. I wanted him to know that I would go for him, but that he needed to know it would not be the same. He agreed and so we went… Let’s start by saying I didn’t get out of bed when my alarm went off at 3:00 more like 3:15 and I tried waking Paxton up about 4 times, he was so mad we were leaving "late" we finally left at 4ish and pulled into Bass Pro Shops at 5AM on the dot- on the way there a boy full of tears, upset that we were going to be late, plus I think he was overly tired saw the line and looked defeated- I am not sure why, but I just let him be angry and crabby. I usually want to teach a lesson or make him think positively. To our surprise we were #361 and #362 into Bass Pro, we only had to wait in the freezing cold, it was about 38 degrees and I had on a sweatshirt and jeans, for about 5 minutes and when we got inside the store it is so huge it didn’t even feel like that many people were there. We picked up a few good deals (did you really think we would walk away empty handed?) and I offered Cracker Barrel, but he just wanted to go home. I am hoping this doesn't become my responsibility in future years....but I guess if so I only have 3 more before he can drive himself... lol. Did I tell you how much I hate shopping???? 

The weekend turned out to be decent. I have continued my new rollerblading routine, I love to work out outside and it is a huge stress reducer as well. I have always loved roller blading, but just as I have confessed before, I am not really good at routines, except of course brushing my teeth, but I am determined to stay active and in good health as much as I can control. The ice-skates I ordered came and I cannot wait to go skating next weekend, this weekend at Schnepf Farms was opening weekend, however we were already jam packed, hanging out at 3 different Rodeo’s, 1 girlfriend’s night including some dancing, 2 nights of live music and family and friends to hang out with and support. I didn’t get any fall décor taken down or put away, or any Christmas stuff up yet, unless you consider the horseshoe snowman I bought at the Jr. Parada yesterday and already gave it a home. But I have decided that I am not going to stress over the little things, spending time with loved ones, was far more beneficial to my soul than how my house looks. Life is short, enjoy the moments. 

So I guess I can finally write about my brother, who now has his very own blog, I wished I could say it was to write about nothing but happy stuff and fond memories. He has told the world of Face Book his news and so I am more comfortable talking about it. To to be honest, blogging doesn't often come with all sunshine and rainbows, clothing or food reviews or the latest trends, many people blog about life experiences, let-downs, tragedies and how to overcome them which tend to be the theme all around. 

About 6 weeks ago he called to tell me he was diagnosed with the same cancer our dad who died at 54 (and a few other of his family members) died of and that he had already been for a second opinion and signed up for treatments (which he has been doing for about the last 4 weeks now). Everyone takes my heart into consideration when they seem to keep things from me until they know more, it is quite annoying, but I get how they want to protect me from heartache any further. But look at it this way, I am a big girl and have yet to actually break, most people couldn't tell me anything that I wouldn't be able to handle, or so it seems they haven't yet. Because I choose to find the good in everything, no matter how hard it seems sometimes. 

The doctors seem optimistic, and we are praying that he makes a full recovery and uses this experience to help others, in his own way. He has had scans every year for awhile now because of our dad and has made it to 60 so I am confident he will fight to beat the odds. He definitely hasn’t had an easy go at life either and struggled through addiction, loss, and now cancer… If you are so inclined, say an extra prayer or two for his treatments to go smooth and his recovery to be short. And if you or anyone you know may benefit from his journey you can look up his blog below. I know that writing for me is huge therapy and I wish him some inner peace from his writing as well as his opportunity to maybe reach a soul or two that needs a sense of hope and a little reminder they are not alone. 

Gregg's blog journey

"Partying it up" in Vegas, According to My Kid!

I haven’t written for a while now. I am not sure I have had anything beneficial to say. Sometimes it just comes together well in my head and sometimes it is just all a jumbled mess. I guess that is what comes with the territory. I have been trying hard to weed through all my emotions along with the expectations I put on myself and juggling day-to-day activities.

I am sure those of you on social media saw that I had a quick less than 48-hour trip to Vegas with some girlfriends, and I was completely surprised by the texts and messages I received regarding this, even while I was there. All complimented me and happy to see that I was truly enjoying myself. I was truly thankful for all the people who reached out and were happy for me to be enjoying life genuinely. I know we flooded most of your social media feeds, but we had an amazing time, bonded really well and formed a 4-pack of friendship that I don’t think could be broken. We were all friends previously, but that weekend seemed to bring us closer together as a group. There is definitely a reason why they say strength in numbers. There is something about being vulnerable, in a safe space, with no judging and the kind of support you get no matter the choices you make, sharing past experiences and laughing until you felt like you did 10000+ sit ups!

 We are all our own people and there is something to be said for being responsible for ourselves and ourselves alone, but always having that pack of people that would have your back no matter what. I know that I do have other friendships like that with individual people, that I value strongly, and love for our connectedness, but this group had a dynamic together that I have never seen before. The people who went along with my need to see my current favorite artist Eric Burgett, who sings my current favorite song, Love It All Goodbye, was just what I needed at this moment in my life. I am blessed to have had this amazing opportunity, and thoroughly enjoyed doing it.

I am glad that I can enjoy myself and still be responsible. Being in your 40’s and single is definitely a different game then being in your 20’s. Not that I was even single in my 20’s, I started dating Steve when I barely just turned 19! 19 days into being 19! LOL!

My hardest obstacle is Paxton for sure. I love him to pieces, and I know it is a lot to process in his little teenage mind,  but seeing his mom go out and go dancing and have fun with her friends is all new to him. We always did things as a family. I very rarely did things with just friends except during the day. So, wine weekends with besties and trips to Vegas for concerts and dancing at local bars with friends and getting home late is probably overstimulating and  NOT the norm. And when I did do something in previous years, his dad was here to be with him. I was gone for only 2 days, but I felt like several times he threw in my face since I came back that I was partying it up in Vegas.

 I am not sure what he thought I was doing, but I reassured him, that I had 3 other girls with me looking out for my best interest, we took Lyfts, I didn’t gamble away all our savings (I lost $20) not a single one of us drank and drove, I didn’t do anything crazy or illegal, I never got so drunk I didn’t know what was going on around me or black out, I didn’t get hurt, I didn’t go home with some stranger and I got home to him safely.

 Being his Mom I would absolutely never make stupid choices that would jeopardize me prematurely leaving him. I know that is one of his biggest fears, something happening to me that would cause him to have no parents. I promise him and you that I would do everything in my power to make sure if that happened it would not be something that I caused to happen. I can’t promise everything that is not in my hands, but I can promise to do my absolute best to be here for him for a really long time, based on everything that is in my control.

Half of my battle and duty as a mom is to encourage and reassure him to face his fears and live his life the best he can, as fully as he can, while the other half is there to teach him to be a law-abiding, purpose filled contributor to society, the best that I know how. To pray every day that God guides me in doing a good job of this and that we can rest assured no matter how much we miss Steve and will continue to miss him for the rest of our lives that it is as equally important to live in our NOW enjoy life and find happiness in our day-to-day lives.

Thank you to everyone who is cheering us on, supporting our choices and hoping that it all turns out the best that it can with what we have available to us. 

Moving Forward with Hiccups and A Red Cast

You know what hiccups are like, sometimes no matter what you do or what you try to get rid of them you just can’t shake them.  Sometimes you get frustrated and agitated because it’s like they’re never going to end. You may not see relief in sight.  

 

How many times have you gotten hiccups where they just sneak up on you and you’re not quite sure what you did for them to develop. But more than anything you just want them to go away. They’re not comfortable and not convenient! The longest case of hiccups was Charles Osborne from 1922 to 1990 68 straight years of hiccups. I couldn’t even imagine having hiccups for a whole day let alone 68 straight years. 

 

What causes hiccups is when you swallow too much air so even though we think sometimes they sneak up on you there an accumulation of too much air being swallowed at which time your diaphragm contracts, but your lungs fail to expand. I really do love the science behind things. 

 

To me grief is sort of like a case of the hiccups. Sometimes it sneaks up on you when you least expect it, sometimes it’s been building for a little while, but you don’t recognize the signs just like when you’re eating too fast you’re swallowing so much air because you are eating and drinking and socializing which causes you not to really think about what you are doing. Depending on the extent of your circumstances, grief’s side effects may only last a moment, or they could last for weeks at a time. Imagine living with those negative side-effects from grief continuously for 68 years of your life! No thank you! 

Unlike Mr. Osborne’s hiccups, most of us can control our mind, our thoughts, our self-care, self-talk, and our level of happiness despite grief. Our mind can make us weak, can make us sick, can pull us through, heal our bodies, and choose what it believes and how you talk to yourself. Your mind is the most powerful thing that you will ever own. The things that you say to your mind the things that you create in your mind are your own work of art. The best thing that you can do is talk kindly to yourself, give yourself grace, lift yourself up, and move forward with confidence that we all are struggling from some internal battle- choose to win yours. Free will and mind control are assets to be mastered when controlled in the most positive ways.

 

Yesterday morning was a struggle I woke up super late – 7:09 I haven’t slept that long in forever. We had 30 minutes to get Paxton awake and out the door for school. It didn’t quite go as smoothly as I would’ve liked. After quite a few arguments and realizing he was just going to be late, then accepting it, he insisted that he needed to eat breakfast although he probably eats breakfast two-three mornings out of the five a week generally, today had to be one of them. His hair wasn’t fixing right, he couldn’t find both his shoes and we were just arguing about everything.  He was delaying on purpose, and I could tell. We argued on the way to school instead of starting our morning off by praying which we normally do. The bickering was so heavy, and I had enough! I said some not so nice things and his long-awaited tears just flowed, bottom line he missed his dad and it had built up enough to explode. I knew this has been building up for a little over a week, but he never could pinpoint what he wanted to say and in order not to create scenarios in his head for him, I didn’t pry previously.  I would rather him organically tell me what is wrong.

 

I let him unload. The things that came out of his mouth are some of the same things that I have felt and I’m sure he has been having a hard time talking about. Sometimes we think shoving them deep in ourselves will make them go away or put somewhere we don’t have to face those fears or anxieties.  Of course, the first thing out of his mouth was WHY????????… But are we to know why… I am not certain that is part of this life on Earth, to try to figure everything out, no matter how hard we try or want to. Maybe we are simply not supposed to know why.

 

He proceeded to let me know that he was mad that his dad died so young, he was relatively healthy, mad at the doctors for not doing something sooner, or being able to fix him. That people with lots of other health issues were able to recover from Covid, why couldn’t his dad? He was mad that he couldn’t remember what the last thing that he and his dad had said to each other, or even when the last time they talked before Steve could no longer communicate with us was. All valid curiosities. I know what the last thing that Steve and I said to one another was, and for that I am grateful, I could play it over in my head and I have several times, but I don’t know what the last thing that Paxton and he said to each other was.

 

I want to say, and I hope, that it was I love you because I truly felt in those two weeks of his consciousness while he was in the hospital, that they made it a point to tell each other they love each other before they would hang up the phone. I remember Steve saying as a kid his dad never really said that he loved him. And so, he always made it a point to tell Paxton that he loves him. Steve’s dad loved him, but it just wasn’t verbalized in the way that Steve and Paxton shared.

 

Paxton emphasized the fact that he was mad that he couldn’t remember. And therefore, I think in this traumatic event that he went through he may have a little PTSD. We had a complete discussion as I drove around the neighborhood several times as he wasn’t feeling confident enough to walk into school with wet eyes. We discussed his feelings, we discussed the consequences of “what iffing” our situation, we discussed having to move forward and what his dad would or would not want him to think or do and how he would want him to treat other people and how he would want to be remembered and even though he isn’t here, which is his biggest challenge as a boy, he feels that he should be, and you know what kiddo? So, do I.

 

This afternoon I went to my monthly luncheon of powerful woman Realtors who ironically do not discuss real estate but gather for that extra connection, that deeper meaning into our hearts, souls and minds, the ones that make you think, make you vulnerable, make you aware, and show that you are human in turn making you a better Realtor. The hostess had an envelope of 14 questions that she randomly pulled out and handed to each of us. When I read mine, after the morning I had with Paxton, I was reminded that God divinely puts not only people, but things in our path for a reason at the right time.

 

My question was What is something that you would say to your father that you never said? How will/would it be received?  

Wow what a powerful question, with never a right or wrong answer. How appropriately placed in my hands to answer on this particular day. As most of my readers know my father died when I was 14 and having this experience as well as a mother who had to learn how to raise me on her own have both been situations that although not what I would wish upon anyone, I am grateful I had experienced to help me through what Paxton and I are now going through over the course of the last year +. Life is sort of funny that way. Prepping you for something without you even knowing it.

 

And by the way I answered that I would thank him, for what he taught me, the experiences that I had, and the traits that he passed on to me to help create who I am today and for me having to experience what I did, to be prepared for now.

 

I called Paxton on the way home to see how he was doing, he let me know he sat in his boat for over an hour talking to his dad about fishing. I was grinning on the other end and my heart was full.  I shared with him that I talk to Steve sometimes too when I am lying in bed or driving in the car by myself. I didn't for a really long time, but now sometimes it just feels right. 

 

This week ended with a brave little boy on his way to manhood, on top of what seemed like a tense and not so smooth week for both of us for various reasons. On Halloween night he broke his thumb playing football. Today we learned from Ortho that it was his growth plate and they had to put it back in place. I will let you form your own picture in your mind of how that went. He had a head full of fear and a body allowing his anxieties to creep in, but he allowed them to do it without numbing it first and he did so good. It took a little motherly calming and visionary skills and reassurance that it would be quick and back in place before he could even think about it.  I knew how much strength that took and how much he hurt, especially the throbbing afterward. 3 hours, one enormous red cast, a note to skip PE and heavy activities for the next 4 weeks, reassurance that he can still fish in the next 2 tournaments, a promise from the Physician’s Assistant that he will be clear in 4 weeks with a different cast to try out for school football, and be able to play without a cast in 8 weeks (just in time for the season to start) a visit to DQ, the rest of the day out of school, and hanging out with friends and he seems to be in good spirits!

 

Wouldn’t it just be great if we could wake up one morning and it was all just a crazy nightmare. But that is not how our lives were supposed to turn out. No matter how many what if scenario’s we can create in our head this is our life, Steve had an expiration date and this was our fate. Paxton can pull Steve from deep within him any time he wants to remember him, what he would suggest, recommend, or decide based on what he knows and remembers of him. He can be all the good things he remembers most about his dad. He can be confident that our happiness was important to Steve and still is and Steve would want for us to continue and carry out our happiness because just because his heart no longer beats ours can again. 

 

As some of you might know Danny Gokey was on American Idol several years ago as a contestant who when he shot the video for getting on the show his wife was battling an illness and struggling to stay alive. When he did the show, his wife had passed away, but he went through with it anyway and he became a very powerful Christian artist that I admire and respect. If you have the time, it’s six minutes long, but watch this video and listen to its powerful message. You too can move forward from whatever you have experienced. 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwjR9uGpsJL7AhU_KEQIHeANBfYQ3yx6BAgeEAI&url=https%3A%2F%2Fm.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DeUHRDCYnFfg&usg=AOvVaw32CattP8sqRLU0sgVpRoYd